Stardust [ONESHOT]
Title: Stardust
Chapters: Oneshot
Genre: Angst.
Warnings: Sadness. Angst. Tears.
Ratings: PG
Pairings: AoixUruha
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: A love not shared.
Comments: Eventually, I'll give this a sequel.
Why are you...Disappearing?
I wish I could reach you, for once and ever. And bruise you, and hate you, then I wouldn't be this fool. Why do I feel like this? You have the power to weaken me. With or without you, I'm absolutely nothing. I'm a broken piece of a whole, I'm lost, so lost. And sick. Sick of what people can tell me, that I should forget you. I want you. Why should I give up on you?
I've crossed the line, right? This line between hope and desperation. You can't see me like I see you. I wasted my love on you. My time. My sanity.
The only thing we've been close is...Nothing. Why do I always think you're holding out the prospect of love to me? That everytime you smile and laugh with me, why do I see something when there's nothing?
We've been so much more than that in my twisted head. In my own fairy tale, you're already loving me for ages, you made love to me, you're holding me and telling me you love me exactly the way you do now for the one who's sharing your life.
The worst is certainly that I feel happiness when this someone hurts you. I remember this day you knocked at my door and fell in my arms, drunk, the sadness bringing you so down that we almost ended up on my floor. The way you cried, wetting my shirt, the way you clang to me not to fall down again.
I'm your rag doll, this old thing we can't forget and need to throw away at the same time. Why do you stay around? Give up on me already, I don't want your kind words, I hate them, everytime you say them I feel the urge to hit you and to make you bleed, to abandon you in a dead-end street, in a crimson pool.
You arouse the wrong one in me. This dark and loony me. I'm tired...I'm tired of you playing with me as if I was meaning absolutely...I'm not going to say this word again. I know this is what I am to you, this word echoes in my mind everyday, every time I think about you. This word is what I find in my bed, this word is what I find in my life.
What did you do to me?
- What's wrong? You seem a bit sad today.
He was looking at him now, roused him from his thoughts. He felt it, his insistent stare. He would notice maybe, the bags under his eyes, the purple streaks there brought out by the dimness of his skin.
- Nothing.
He bent his head down, biting his lower lip violently.
This word.
Again.
- Come on, I see there's something wrong...
His fucking gentle tone. He hated it. He hid behind his blond hair, he wished to disappear now. Now.
- Nothing is wrong, because there's nothing.
If he was looking up at him, he could have seen the slight frown, the incredulous expression on his face.
- I worry about you. You lost some weight, you can try to hide it with large clothes but I can see it. You look like you didn't sleep. So stop mocking me. Tell me what's fucking wrong.
He clenched his jaws so strongly that he thought he would break his teeth. All inside, and swallowing them, ripping up his flesh and giving him a chance to die.
But he didn't answer and left, fast, too fast for the other to catch him back.
He was supposed to write down what he needed to go grocery shopping, even for the short amount of food he could eat. But the same damn word was written on every part of the white paper, slowly darkening as those letters were forming this word he hated. It was better maybe than to engrave it on his skin.
Crumpling the paper, he burst out crying, wetting the plain curves of this word, feeling the pain in every part of his weak body. How could he love someone that much? To the point of self destruction? How?
And his heart missed a beat when he heard a knock . He wiped away his tears quickly with the sleeve of his too large sweater and opened, slightly:
- Who's this?
He couldn't have hidden the tremor in his voice and wished he had never opened his door because it was him, smiling warmly, him...
- It's Aoi, let me in please?
Too late.
The dark haired was in and as soon as he looked into Uruha's eyes, he understood, holding his shoulders, the concern in his voice and on his face obvious:
- You were crying?!
- There's a water leak and...
His sentence never really ended and he was crying again. It was beyond his own control, overflowing. He was suddenly pulled against his chest.
- Are you kidding me? A water leak...
But this gesture didn't soothe his pain, it deepened it. The muffled cries were now loud sobs, his thin and fragile body shaking violently in his arms.
Our embrace is like a dream.
And it will fade away soon...
- Leave.
Aoi raised an eyebrow as he heard his crying voice.
- I won't leave you when you're in this state! You need me here with you.
The blond sobbed again, the words hurting him more than any physical pain.
- I don't want you here.
I want you here.
A hiccup.
- I don't want you to see me like this.
See how you destroyed me.
- I care for you, I hate to know you're suffering from something, but I hate it more you're trying to push me away when I want to help you!
He heard Uruha's nervous chuckles.
- You can't help me.
He felt powerless. So powerless that the sadness and an unknown fear swept over his heart. His arms tightened around Uruha.
- Let me do something...Please...Please. Don't reject me. I want to be here for you.
The other buried his face in the crook of his neck, his desperation weighing heavily on his shoulders.
- Hold me.
Tracing patterns on his creamy skin, warm fingertips dancing endlessly.
I want to stay like this forever. You against me, lost in your arms. You deaden the pain, because you're here. There's no pain anymore now. Surely the one who gives me so much sorrow is the one who has to erase it. I feel so peaceful now. As if the world had stopped for you and me. I could die, I wouldn't care. I have you here, I breathe. It feels right...I wish you could think the same. I look at you and you smile and I feel this warmth inside, I feel my heart tightening and the burning desire to kiss you. Yet I just look, I can't touch. My lips won't meet yours.
It's forbidden.
You're this forbidden fruit I can't taste.
- Why are you staying here?
His voice was hoarse and the dark haired looked down at him, pushing away few strands of blond hair.
- You need me.
- And her?
- She doesn't need me as much as you do.
Uruha frowned and Aoi tightened his embrace on his thin body and said:
- If you were both drowning in the sea and if I had to help only one of you, I'd give my hand to you. Because she can swim all alone. But not you...You'd grow tired quickly and you would sink.
He felt the blonde shuddering.
- Don't feel bad for needing me. I'm here because I want it. I care for you, you've always been here.
Aoi's warm hand rested in the middle of his thin chest.
- It's pure here. And you shouldn't waste what's here on unworthy people.
Bite on his full lip.
- Why do you tell me this?
Aoi sighed, playing with a lock of his blond hair.
- An intuition you're in this state because you're loving someone who's hurting you. Am I right?
He didn't answer back. He just closed his eyes.
- I'd like to punch this person. To tell him or her that you're wonderful and that they should give you a chance, because, certainly, they'll be happy with you, fulfilled, loved.
Punch yourself, tell yourself all those words.
- Even if you tell this person...It won't change anything.
Aoi poked Uruha's nose:
- You don't know. What if then this person drops everything to love you? You'd be surprised.
I was waiting for a surprise for too long and it never came.
- And if I screw our relation? What if I lose this person because of my feelings Aoi?
The other seemed thoughtful.
- Then this person never deserved you at first.
- I'm too afraid. I won't take the risk.
Aoi rested on his elbow, frowning:
- And you think doing nothing is better? You want to spend your whole life wondering how it would have been if you had dare confessed? Just imagine this person is your soulmate and you lost it forever? And you know there's no hope anymore because this person has now a family, a life, a life where you have absolutely no place anymore. Just imagine...
As if he was truly doing it, Uruha had closed his puffy eyes. It was still the same face haunting behind his eyelids. Aoi's face.
- Then I'll die. Slowly. I'm too much of a coward Aoi. I'm not a risk-taker and you know it. The biggest risk I've taken was to cross the street once without checking up if there was any car. I'm not like you. I'm not like those people who can kick their fears without a doubt. You know I think too much, maybe I have too many fantasies and dreams and no power to make them real. And I don't have any wand, I don't know the magic words. I just love someone who doesn't love me back.
Aoi stayed quiet, his mind focused on what Uruha had said, trying to find any clue, any answer. But he found nothing and it was exactly what was annoying him since his friend started to change. It happened one day. Uruha wasn't really Uruha anymore, he was...Like wounded. Less smiles and laughs. Less jokes. Just this fragile appearance he was trying to hide behind a mask, saying he was fine when it was a lie. And it was as if Uruha was fading away.
- You don't know unless you try.
- I'll never know.
His warm breath blowed on his forehead. A sigh.
He's already tired of me. Yeah, who can love someone like me? I'm too weak and clingy.
- I feel better. You should go now, I'm sorry.
- What are you sorry for?
- For being me.
- Thank you.
- For what?
- For being you.
Uruha cracked a smile. Aoi's moist and soft lips pressed against his cheek. A slight squeeze of their entwined hands and, soon, Uruha found back his long lasting friend. Emptiness. The bed was too large. The room too quiet. His body too cold. His light wasn't anymore, his light was gone. The darkness was enveloping him and the curtains were swaying softly with each blow of the wind. From his bed he could see the dark blue sky, but no stars. He saw one though today, a shooting star and hadn't even had the chance to make a wish because...His wish had been granted before he expressed it.
He came, he came and gave some stardust to this honey blond man who was crumbling away.
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I have quite a lot of things I haven't shared yet and with that work that is eating up my writing time I guess it's fine to draw in my resources lol. I wrote this one in a sad mood around january. Anyway, there's no real ending, which means I could write a sequel anytime (truth is I've been thinking about that sequel already). I'm glad for once I didn't give a happy ending. Sometimes it feels right. Because mostly, in life, we don't always get what we want =/
I'll try to share more of my oneshots if I really can't come up with a nice rhythm of updates with my chaptered stories *shots*...Next one might be the story I wrote for Aoi's birthday. I don't know why at that time it didn't satisfy me.