A series of you and me [CHAPTER 7]
Title: A series of you and me
Chapters: 7/?
Genre: Angst. Romance. Smut.
Warnings: Angst. Cursing.
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: AoixUruha (others?)
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: Kouyou finds his life ruled by the glimpses of him he can see.
Comments: New character: Hitsugi from Nightmare under his real name.
Hair stroked and an unknown lullaby above him.
When Kouyou opened his eyes again, Takanori's face was still here, looking at something in the bedroom. Kouyou's head was heavy, his ears buzzing and acid regularly burning his oesophagus.
Sick.
The sun was rising, it was all he could tell after the sunshines sweeping the darkness away in his bedroom.
- What are you singing?
Takanori momentarily looked confused, down at his friend and raised his head again.
- Clair de lune.
- It hurts. The melody hurts.
- Ah...Sorry.
- No, keep singing it. It hurts but it's beautiful.
Takanori stayed quiet for a little while.
- I can play it. It's the first I could play entirely without failing.
Kouyou smiled.
- I don't have a piano.
- I'll play it to you one day. When I can play again.
- Why did you stop?
Takanori sighed. He looked through the window this time, hiding some secrets behind his shining eyes.
- I'll tell you one day.
Kouyou thought and nodded, his head still resting on his friend's lap.
- What do you want to tell to God Kou? What cruel things did he do to you?
He closed his eyes. He could still see her eyes, smell her particular scent, see her smile. And it was all erased by the hate. This burden inside he never failed to carry through the years.
- He brought me here, in this world. I wasn't needed. I wasn't desired.
Kouyou took a deep breath, swallowing the tears.
Withdrawal symptoms.
- How many times I wished my death because of her. She'd get home and tell me it's my fault if Dad left us behind. My fault. Sometimes she'd beat me. When I was the age of 18, she offered me the best bruises I've ever got. "Kouyou did you get spoiled for your birthday? What did your mother got you?".
He laughed, bitterly, tears in his eyes.
- A Hell of a gift to tell the truth. Here's what I told them, my friends in highschool, over the phone. And that night I tried to die. I fucking tried. She found me before I could even pass out. Scared. Scared she'd end up in jail or something. She made me throw up everything. The pills. I got so sick...
He rubbed his eyes, embarassed by Takanori's stare above him.
- I ran away few days after. I had no one to trust, no one to rely on, only myself. I couldn't come up to my friends and tell them the kind of mother I had. No, I couldn't say it. I lived on the streets, good thing it was summer...Until I became friend with this man who had a bakery. He'd give me bread and sweet things every morning because I was helping when he was delivered. And one day, he took me home with him. He taught me how to make bread, how to cook, I began working for him and half of my pay was given to him as my first rent.
Kouyou smiled with sadness.
- He helped me, so much. I visit him every once in a while and I still give him money now. He sold his bakery and lives peacefully with his dog. A nice man. The nicest among all. I couldn't have a father but this man...He's better than this fucking coward who left me with her, who left me when I wasn't even born yet.
Takanori began stroking his hair again.
- But I couldn't stay there forever and soon I came here, in Tokyo. That's where I lost myself for real.
Kouyou didn't utter any single word and Takanori knew that it meant there were still things he wouldn't tell, not yet.
- Where's your mom now?
- Still in Kanagawa.
- How do you know?
- My uncle. When he calls me, he never fails to tell me how she's doing, even if I never ask. But it doesn't matter to me...I can't even remember her hugging me, kissing me, telling me she loved me. I can't. It's always scolding, beating, yelling. I can't remember how it feels to be loved...
- You've never had a real family...
- Family ties, it's the biggest lie I've heard of. She couldn't care less I'm her fucking blood. She taught me hatred. That's all I've ever known with her. Hatred. I hated myself with passion. I still do now. She left her mark, deeply, here.
He showed his temple, closed his eyes.
- I'm unwanted. That's why Taka, I don't want to live on this planet anymore. I don't want to be somebody's burden, I don't want to feel hated anymore. I want to steal this power from God, to decide of my own death, when and where and how. If I could know he's somewhere up there, if I could, I'd ask him why, bloody why he made her pregnant with me. Why did he bring me here if I'm not even loved by my own mother?
The darkness seemed to swallow him up, entirely. Black clouds over their heads. Suffering, so much suffering.
- Don't you think it's because you're going to be somebody's reason to love? Somebody's half?
He laughed.
- I won't let anyone love me. I'm a hopeless piece of flesh, I'm worth nothing, I'm just a burden to others. Do you hear me Taka? A burden, and soon you'll run away from me like they all did.
Loud noise.
Kouyou held his cheek, dumbfounded.
- I fucking care for you! I really do! I've spent my fucking night watching you cleaning your whole god-damned appartment because you were way too high to sleep and rest! You cleaned every inch of your kitchen! I've watched you pretending happiness! You say everything out there is a lie, but you're lying to yourself all the time! Pushing people away isn't the solution! Of course no one is going to love you if you make them hate you by acting stupidly because your own mother can't take the responsibility of your birth!
Takanori's soft and deep voice had disappeared. He was someone else. And Kouyou was now sat, calm, looking at his powerful expressions. His anger.
- It's her fault! Her entire fucking fault! Did you ask her to give birth to you?!
Takanori was crying and it hurt Kouyou.
- Why do you cry for me?
- I'm not leaving you alone.
His voice was softer.
- We're friends. It's been so long since someone've made me laugh like you. So long since I've trusted a perfect stranger. So long since I've cared for someone else than myself. Don't let me go down again...
Kouyou tried to touch the hairdresser's hand but he had stood up from the bed.
- What happened Taka? What?
- I need to go. I need to sleep, I'm tired. Akira's sleeping on the couch. I need to go home, we'll see each other later.
The door closed and Kouyou looked at it with the hope it will open again and Takanori laughing, saying he had been stupid for believing his little tantrum, that he was going to become a famous actor...
But he didn't and the sadness crushed his heart even more.
Akira looked at the ceiling, tired of pretending he was sleeping.
Takanori had left two hours ago and Kouyou was still closed in his bedroom since their little argument. He had heard everything. From the bits of Kouyou's life to Takanori's fit of anger.
- We're all broken pieces.
He needed coffee and he was fed up to wait for his friend to wake up and prepare some, so he introduced himself to Kouyou's kitchen. At the first sips of fresh coffee, Akira's tastebuds got tickled and with no surprise, Kouyou appeared: his hair a mess, his clothes crumpled, his eyes puffy and sleepy.
- You look wonderful.
- Shut up and give me some coffee.
Akira grinned, obeyed and didn't bother to handle him with kid gloves.
- Who's he?
Kouyou glared at him but Akira wasn't impressed at all.
- What are you talking about?
- This guy. Your angel. You said you saw him tonight. Who's he?
- None of your fucking business. Just follow Taka already and leave me alone.
- Sorry but I lost my keys when we were busy taking you home.
- Then go to Taka's, he might welcome you better than I.
- Fuck no you really made him mad.
Kouyou took his cup of coffee and went in front of his large windows, looking outside at the shining snow. It snowed? When? I don't remember...
- It seems you love him. There was despair in your eyes when you talked about him. You really love him.
- Maybe I do. Maybe it's just some silly lie to myself to keep going.
- It's love, whether you like it or not.
- Taka needs you more than me right now. I'm worried about him...
Akira frowned.
- Why Taka suddenly?
- Just go, I think I really hurt him. But he won't want to see my face for the moment...Please Akira.
The first time you say my name, took you so long dickhead.
He looked at his thin silhouette, how fragile he seemed and sighed.
You both need me. I wish I could make it alright.
- I'll come back later to check up on you.
- I don't...
- Shut up Kou. It's tiring, always having to argue with you! We do care, it's not about politeness at all, nor any good feelings. You're our friend for God's sake, print this in your head for once and ever.
Akira groaned, coughed.
- See you later, take care.
He grabbed his leather jacket and the door closed.
Kouyou stuck his forehead to the frozen glass of his window, all this snow reminds me of you...
- Here's the lucky boy!
Yuu forced his eyes to stay wide open and looked back at Yutaka and Mitsuo.
- Guys I'm hangover, won't you let me have some rest?
Mitsuo pushed Yuu to invade his place, a wide smile on his face:
- No way! We want to hear the yummy details about the Heresy room! We lost you yesterday and couldn't find you at all after you got in!
Yuu sighed, standing in the middle of his living room, holding his jersey pants that was near falling on the floor because he had grabbed the first thing under his hand to get dressed.
- Oh wait? You're not alone in here??
All of sudden, Yutaka's and Mitsuo's faces were showing embarassment and fear. Yuu shook his head, desperate:
- No, I'm all alone, relax. And you couldn't find me because I went home right after.
Well, it's a little lie. I tried to find him in the Black Moral but, there were too many people and I couldn't find his black feather mask.
- You spent the first hours of this new year fucking some stranger, we want to know the whole story.
Yuu first told his friends he needed coffee and it was when they were all perfectly settled in the living room, on the couch for his best friends and on the carpet for him, hands warming up around fuming coffee cups that Yuu decided to tell what happened in the Heresy room...
He described the atmosphere, the sensation of not belonging to such a place and the way this stranger tickled his feelings in a weird way. How different he was. How fascinating. Calling for him, calling for him only when the place had been full of other targets.
- Well it might be because you didn't fit the place at all, you and your awkwardness.
Yuu glared at Mitsuo:
- Tell me you'd be comfortable in a room full of orgies, I wouldn't believe you.
- Well I wouldn't be comfortable in my pants for sure.
Laughs echoed and their attention was drawn back on Yuu.
- You liked it?
Yuu kept silent at first and looked through the glass of his windows.
It snowed? Damn...
- I fucking did. I want to come back there.
- What if you can't find him there again?
Yuu shook his head vehemently:
- He said I'd find him again. In the Heresy room. Again.
Yutaka pouted and exchanged a knowing glance with Mitsuo but Yuu witnessed it.
- What?
- Yuu...
Yutaka sighed, his gaze drowning in his coffee:
- I don't want you to chain yourself to the memory of some stranger you fucked again. A hook-up is a hook-up for a reason: both persons enjoy and have a good time and it's the end. There's nothing to look for other than a good time. They're not your soul mates or something. And you know it. Meet real people, date them but don't waste your time on whores hanging around in nightclubs. I thought it'd be nice for you but now I realize it's been stupid from us to try to cheer you up...
Mitsuo was almost hiding behind a cushion, watching the way Yuu was looking at Yutaka, hurt and the way Yutaka suddenly looked embarassed.
- Won't you forget him Yuu?
Even if his tone was sweeter, Yuu couldn't stand hearing Yutaka taking him for a fool.
- No I can't! And this stranger can certainly help me to get him out of my mind!
Yuu was standing in front of his window, angry.
- He left you alone this morning! He doesn't care about you. Why don't you open your eyes?! You rejected that poor woman because of the memory of a damn one night stand!
Yuu turned around, frowning. Mitsuo stood up, pulling Yutaka by the arm:
- Come on Mr submissive we're leaving now, you have a tendency to speak your mind a bit too much.
Yutaka forced him to release his arm:
- Stop making damn jokes about my name! And we both know Yuu takes this old story way too seriously! This guy is living without him for months and I'm just tired to see him living in the past for no real reason! It's not like they had a real love story! It was just sex! Sex!
At the way Yuu sighed, Yutaka realized he had crossed the limits of his tolerance. He was surely going to get a black eye from his friend if he stayed here, being that honest. But it was his last mean to wake him up from this dream.
- Uruha isn't coming back Yuu. And there are people out there who'd like you to give them some of your attention...
But Yuu turned around and looked at the way the snow was sparkling.
Few seconds later the door was closed and he was alone again.
Your skin was like that snow: pale, pure, inviting...
-----------------------------------
Okay Mitsuo is Hitsugi's real first name, for you to know. OFC it's Clair de lune by Debussy. Hm what else? If you have questions I'm right here to answer lol. And it gets thicker, the plot. Yes there are things you still don't know fufufu. Take care everyone!
Chapters: 7/?
Genre: Angst. Romance. Smut.
Warnings: Angst. Cursing.
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: AoixUruha (others?)
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: Kouyou finds his life ruled by the glimpses of him he can see.
Comments: New character: Hitsugi from Nightmare under his real name.
Hair stroked and an unknown lullaby above him.
When Kouyou opened his eyes again, Takanori's face was still here, looking at something in the bedroom. Kouyou's head was heavy, his ears buzzing and acid regularly burning his oesophagus.
Sick.
The sun was rising, it was all he could tell after the sunshines sweeping the darkness away in his bedroom.
- What are you singing?
Takanori momentarily looked confused, down at his friend and raised his head again.
- Clair de lune.
- It hurts. The melody hurts.
- Ah...Sorry.
- No, keep singing it. It hurts but it's beautiful.
Takanori stayed quiet for a little while.
- I can play it. It's the first I could play entirely without failing.
Kouyou smiled.
- I don't have a piano.
- I'll play it to you one day. When I can play again.
- Why did you stop?
Takanori sighed. He looked through the window this time, hiding some secrets behind his shining eyes.
- I'll tell you one day.
Kouyou thought and nodded, his head still resting on his friend's lap.
- What do you want to tell to God Kou? What cruel things did he do to you?
He closed his eyes. He could still see her eyes, smell her particular scent, see her smile. And it was all erased by the hate. This burden inside he never failed to carry through the years.
- He brought me here, in this world. I wasn't needed. I wasn't desired.
Kouyou took a deep breath, swallowing the tears.
Withdrawal symptoms.
- How many times I wished my death because of her. She'd get home and tell me it's my fault if Dad left us behind. My fault. Sometimes she'd beat me. When I was the age of 18, she offered me the best bruises I've ever got. "Kouyou did you get spoiled for your birthday? What did your mother got you?".
He laughed, bitterly, tears in his eyes.
- A Hell of a gift to tell the truth. Here's what I told them, my friends in highschool, over the phone. And that night I tried to die. I fucking tried. She found me before I could even pass out. Scared. Scared she'd end up in jail or something. She made me throw up everything. The pills. I got so sick...
He rubbed his eyes, embarassed by Takanori's stare above him.
- I ran away few days after. I had no one to trust, no one to rely on, only myself. I couldn't come up to my friends and tell them the kind of mother I had. No, I couldn't say it. I lived on the streets, good thing it was summer...Until I became friend with this man who had a bakery. He'd give me bread and sweet things every morning because I was helping when he was delivered. And one day, he took me home with him. He taught me how to make bread, how to cook, I began working for him and half of my pay was given to him as my first rent.
Kouyou smiled with sadness.
- He helped me, so much. I visit him every once in a while and I still give him money now. He sold his bakery and lives peacefully with his dog. A nice man. The nicest among all. I couldn't have a father but this man...He's better than this fucking coward who left me with her, who left me when I wasn't even born yet.
Takanori began stroking his hair again.
- But I couldn't stay there forever and soon I came here, in Tokyo. That's where I lost myself for real.
Kouyou didn't utter any single word and Takanori knew that it meant there were still things he wouldn't tell, not yet.
- Where's your mom now?
- Still in Kanagawa.
- How do you know?
- My uncle. When he calls me, he never fails to tell me how she's doing, even if I never ask. But it doesn't matter to me...I can't even remember her hugging me, kissing me, telling me she loved me. I can't. It's always scolding, beating, yelling. I can't remember how it feels to be loved...
- You've never had a real family...
- Family ties, it's the biggest lie I've heard of. She couldn't care less I'm her fucking blood. She taught me hatred. That's all I've ever known with her. Hatred. I hated myself with passion. I still do now. She left her mark, deeply, here.
He showed his temple, closed his eyes.
- I'm unwanted. That's why Taka, I don't want to live on this planet anymore. I don't want to be somebody's burden, I don't want to feel hated anymore. I want to steal this power from God, to decide of my own death, when and where and how. If I could know he's somewhere up there, if I could, I'd ask him why, bloody why he made her pregnant with me. Why did he bring me here if I'm not even loved by my own mother?
The darkness seemed to swallow him up, entirely. Black clouds over their heads. Suffering, so much suffering.
- Don't you think it's because you're going to be somebody's reason to love? Somebody's half?
He laughed.
- I won't let anyone love me. I'm a hopeless piece of flesh, I'm worth nothing, I'm just a burden to others. Do you hear me Taka? A burden, and soon you'll run away from me like they all did.
Loud noise.
Kouyou held his cheek, dumbfounded.
- I fucking care for you! I really do! I've spent my fucking night watching you cleaning your whole god-damned appartment because you were way too high to sleep and rest! You cleaned every inch of your kitchen! I've watched you pretending happiness! You say everything out there is a lie, but you're lying to yourself all the time! Pushing people away isn't the solution! Of course no one is going to love you if you make them hate you by acting stupidly because your own mother can't take the responsibility of your birth!
Takanori's soft and deep voice had disappeared. He was someone else. And Kouyou was now sat, calm, looking at his powerful expressions. His anger.
- It's her fault! Her entire fucking fault! Did you ask her to give birth to you?!
Takanori was crying and it hurt Kouyou.
- Why do you cry for me?
- I'm not leaving you alone.
His voice was softer.
- We're friends. It's been so long since someone've made me laugh like you. So long since I've trusted a perfect stranger. So long since I've cared for someone else than myself. Don't let me go down again...
Kouyou tried to touch the hairdresser's hand but he had stood up from the bed.
- What happened Taka? What?
- I need to go. I need to sleep, I'm tired. Akira's sleeping on the couch. I need to go home, we'll see each other later.
The door closed and Kouyou looked at it with the hope it will open again and Takanori laughing, saying he had been stupid for believing his little tantrum, that he was going to become a famous actor...
But he didn't and the sadness crushed his heart even more.
Akira looked at the ceiling, tired of pretending he was sleeping.
Takanori had left two hours ago and Kouyou was still closed in his bedroom since their little argument. He had heard everything. From the bits of Kouyou's life to Takanori's fit of anger.
- We're all broken pieces.
He needed coffee and he was fed up to wait for his friend to wake up and prepare some, so he introduced himself to Kouyou's kitchen. At the first sips of fresh coffee, Akira's tastebuds got tickled and with no surprise, Kouyou appeared: his hair a mess, his clothes crumpled, his eyes puffy and sleepy.
- You look wonderful.
- Shut up and give me some coffee.
Akira grinned, obeyed and didn't bother to handle him with kid gloves.
- Who's he?
Kouyou glared at him but Akira wasn't impressed at all.
- What are you talking about?
- This guy. Your angel. You said you saw him tonight. Who's he?
- None of your fucking business. Just follow Taka already and leave me alone.
- Sorry but I lost my keys when we were busy taking you home.
- Then go to Taka's, he might welcome you better than I.
- Fuck no you really made him mad.
Kouyou took his cup of coffee and went in front of his large windows, looking outside at the shining snow. It snowed? When? I don't remember...
- It seems you love him. There was despair in your eyes when you talked about him. You really love him.
- Maybe I do. Maybe it's just some silly lie to myself to keep going.
- It's love, whether you like it or not.
- Taka needs you more than me right now. I'm worried about him...
Akira frowned.
- Why Taka suddenly?
- Just go, I think I really hurt him. But he won't want to see my face for the moment...Please Akira.
The first time you say my name, took you so long dickhead.
He looked at his thin silhouette, how fragile he seemed and sighed.
You both need me. I wish I could make it alright.
- I'll come back later to check up on you.
- I don't...
- Shut up Kou. It's tiring, always having to argue with you! We do care, it's not about politeness at all, nor any good feelings. You're our friend for God's sake, print this in your head for once and ever.
Akira groaned, coughed.
- See you later, take care.
He grabbed his leather jacket and the door closed.
Kouyou stuck his forehead to the frozen glass of his window, all this snow reminds me of you...
- Here's the lucky boy!
Yuu forced his eyes to stay wide open and looked back at Yutaka and Mitsuo.
- Guys I'm hangover, won't you let me have some rest?
Mitsuo pushed Yuu to invade his place, a wide smile on his face:
- No way! We want to hear the yummy details about the Heresy room! We lost you yesterday and couldn't find you at all after you got in!
Yuu sighed, standing in the middle of his living room, holding his jersey pants that was near falling on the floor because he had grabbed the first thing under his hand to get dressed.
- Oh wait? You're not alone in here??
All of sudden, Yutaka's and Mitsuo's faces were showing embarassment and fear. Yuu shook his head, desperate:
- No, I'm all alone, relax. And you couldn't find me because I went home right after.
Well, it's a little lie. I tried to find him in the Black Moral but, there were too many people and I couldn't find his black feather mask.
- You spent the first hours of this new year fucking some stranger, we want to know the whole story.
Yuu first told his friends he needed coffee and it was when they were all perfectly settled in the living room, on the couch for his best friends and on the carpet for him, hands warming up around fuming coffee cups that Yuu decided to tell what happened in the Heresy room...
He described the atmosphere, the sensation of not belonging to such a place and the way this stranger tickled his feelings in a weird way. How different he was. How fascinating. Calling for him, calling for him only when the place had been full of other targets.
- Well it might be because you didn't fit the place at all, you and your awkwardness.
Yuu glared at Mitsuo:
- Tell me you'd be comfortable in a room full of orgies, I wouldn't believe you.
- Well I wouldn't be comfortable in my pants for sure.
Laughs echoed and their attention was drawn back on Yuu.
- You liked it?
Yuu kept silent at first and looked through the glass of his windows.
It snowed? Damn...
- I fucking did. I want to come back there.
- What if you can't find him there again?
Yuu shook his head vehemently:
- He said I'd find him again. In the Heresy room. Again.
Yutaka pouted and exchanged a knowing glance with Mitsuo but Yuu witnessed it.
- What?
- Yuu...
Yutaka sighed, his gaze drowning in his coffee:
- I don't want you to chain yourself to the memory of some stranger you fucked again. A hook-up is a hook-up for a reason: both persons enjoy and have a good time and it's the end. There's nothing to look for other than a good time. They're not your soul mates or something. And you know it. Meet real people, date them but don't waste your time on whores hanging around in nightclubs. I thought it'd be nice for you but now I realize it's been stupid from us to try to cheer you up...
Mitsuo was almost hiding behind a cushion, watching the way Yuu was looking at Yutaka, hurt and the way Yutaka suddenly looked embarassed.
- Won't you forget him Yuu?
Even if his tone was sweeter, Yuu couldn't stand hearing Yutaka taking him for a fool.
- No I can't! And this stranger can certainly help me to get him out of my mind!
Yuu was standing in front of his window, angry.
- He left you alone this morning! He doesn't care about you. Why don't you open your eyes?! You rejected that poor woman because of the memory of a damn one night stand!
Yuu turned around, frowning. Mitsuo stood up, pulling Yutaka by the arm:
- Come on Mr submissive we're leaving now, you have a tendency to speak your mind a bit too much.
Yutaka forced him to release his arm:
- Stop making damn jokes about my name! And we both know Yuu takes this old story way too seriously! This guy is living without him for months and I'm just tired to see him living in the past for no real reason! It's not like they had a real love story! It was just sex! Sex!
At the way Yuu sighed, Yutaka realized he had crossed the limits of his tolerance. He was surely going to get a black eye from his friend if he stayed here, being that honest. But it was his last mean to wake him up from this dream.
- Uruha isn't coming back Yuu. And there are people out there who'd like you to give them some of your attention...
But Yuu turned around and looked at the way the snow was sparkling.
Few seconds later the door was closed and he was alone again.
Your skin was like that snow: pale, pure, inviting...
-----------------------------------
Okay Mitsuo is Hitsugi's real first name, for you to know. OFC it's Clair de lune by Debussy. Hm what else? If you have questions I'm right here to answer lol. And it gets thicker, the plot. Yes there are things you still don't know fufufu. Take care everyone!