The agony column of the Times
I've been enjoying reading this book - a bunch of ... personal ads? secret messages? I don't quite know what to call them. Messages, anyway, published in the Times of London between 1800 and 1870. Trying to figure them out is both futile and fascinating.
Thursday, December 31, 1801. IF the GENTLEMAN (supposed a Foreigner) who kindly took a YOUNG LADY from No. 13, Charlotte-street, Rathbone-Place, to Bristol, the beginning of September last, will appoint a Place and Time of Meeting with the Advertiser, whose discretion and secrecy may be depended upon, it may be attended with real benefit to the young Lady. Direct to D. G, at John's Coffee-house, Cornhill.
Monday, May 22, 1809. IF the LADY who met a CLERGYMAN in the Greenwich Coach, on Thursday, May 18, will send her address at Somers Town, to Rev. W. J., at the Turk's Head Coffee-house^ in the Strand, she may accomplish the declared object of her wishes immediately.
Friday, May 12, 1826. I ENTREAT YOU to KEEP to YOUR WORD, or it may be fatal. Laws were made to bind the villains of society.
Thursday, June 1, 1843. A NEWFOUNDLAND DOG HAS TEETH.
Saturday, June 21, 1845. S. B. is a STRICT Disciplinarian, and not afraid of a rather unruly Pupil.
Friday, December 10, 1847. DEAR FITZY, yr. presence is REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY. Delay not a moment. The little birds, nutmegs, silver beaks, &c, greet you.-Mov.
Tuesday, April 17, 1849. THE BARON is open to MEET ALL THE WORLD for any amount a side. The stakes will be forthcoming at the old place on April 29, 1849, at 6.
Saturday, February 15, 1851. TO D.-THANKS for your COMMUNICATION. As the clothes are ready, I am ready to wear them. Always the same; the bar of iron. Pray communicate. -E. W.
Thursday, October 2, 1851. TO NELLY.-"The MINSTREL BOY," who left Gr. . . s T. n unknown to his friends about three weeks since. Was dressed in a rusty black surtout coat, common cloth waistcoat, trowsers marked with ink, and an old Caen hat. No ear for music. Pray return to your disconsolate friends.. All will be forgiven, and Charlie will give up the front room.
Wednesday, June 23, 1852. I AM AN ASS.-A letter is sent to your post-office, directed to my bird's name.
Thursday, March 24, 1853. FLYBYNIGHT has GOT the ANCHOR. Corruption wins, and England's lost.-E. J. W.
Thursday, January 12, 1854. WHY SHAVE?
Thursday, October 16, 1856. CALEB WILLIAMS.-When authority is Faganized here and Sadlierized there, till Government is becoming but a section of the "Jolly Beggars' Clubs" British and foreign, what can happen but that the Crimea of society must follow that of War, and the Triumrogueate end in the reign of Bogus-tus ?-T. P. H.
Friday, June 5, 1857. QUEEN of HEARTS.-When is our picnic to come - off? My holydays are nearly over, and I shall not ask my masters for more, unless you write and tell me you wish it. After I left school I was down in Norfolk three times, but you were not visible. Since I saw you I have learnt something by heart, and if I get your direction I will let you know it.
Wednesday, December 30, 1857. X. CHEOPS.-No, no. Hands off my child. I am no longer bound by the laws of humanity, and had it been a boy, yes; but I will not risk my little gipsey girl amongst the pestilential marshes of Hungary, though there secure against every power.-B. Z. Q., 666. -CYGNE.
Saturday, June 19, 1858. HEARTSEASE.-On the brow of the vale. Received with thanks. Agreed as desired, if not too long delayed. Foes I never feared. Friends are sometimes treacherous. I have not forgotten the conservatory. As ever. W.
Saturday, March 12, 1859. CAUTION.-All persons assisting in secreting my daughter, ALICE JANE WILSON, 10 years old, are liable to seven years' imprisonment.-E. J. Wilson, Ennis, Ireland.
Saturday, June 1, 1861. A FAINT HEART NEVER WINS a FAIR LADY. The ANONYMOUS CORRESPONDENT whose letter was posted in Lombard Street, on Thursday last, is requested to be MORE EXPLICIT. R. sticks to his craft, and will persevere when he sees his way. Address, Post-office, Vigo-street, Regent-street.
Tuesday, April 29, 1862. TO R. N.-Wedding Cake. Spanish Knife. Awoke picking up tips of fingers. Is it a sign of my fall from the height which I fain would climb ?-H. C.
Saturday, January 14, 1865. FIDES. - All documents safely received. (99.39) F (194.40) (99.53) (27.86) (2) (157.20) (134.34) (12.31) (102.101) (2) (11.50) (223.7) (171-82) (251-76) (37-8i) (253.76) (110.90) (1) (199.10) (252-3S) (151-85) (94-8o) (P) (223.31) (134.41) (229.98) (8.93) (94.80) (252.96) (C) (17.94) (92.56) (160.25) (99.26) (150.67) (154.84) (8.81) (141.10) (1) (247-5i) (127.41) (250-1) (2) (106.11) (218.57).
Thursday, October 12, 1865. THE HEART of STONE.-Fifteen years of gloomiest depression and long, sad hours of pain and sorrow have made me what I am; but the idol of our mutual affection having now passed into a better life, "Heart of Stone" will relent if "Martyr" with meekness and submission befitting her self-adopted title, consents to the conditions stated in a former communication to Mr. Pollaky, Private Inquiry-office, 13, Paddington-green; until then, no meeting can, or shall take place.
Tuesday, July 3, 1866. O NOT FORGET the BEEF TEA.
Friday, August 15, 1870. WITH T.-You are merely her stepping stone. Arrived at T. B. G. B. Infatuated. Stop it. Some day you will turn, and her ruin will follow. She pretends you know all.
Thursday, December 31, 1801. IF the GENTLEMAN (supposed a Foreigner) who kindly took a YOUNG LADY from No. 13, Charlotte-street, Rathbone-Place, to Bristol, the beginning of September last, will appoint a Place and Time of Meeting with the Advertiser, whose discretion and secrecy may be depended upon, it may be attended with real benefit to the young Lady. Direct to D. G, at John's Coffee-house, Cornhill.
Monday, May 22, 1809. IF the LADY who met a CLERGYMAN in the Greenwich Coach, on Thursday, May 18, will send her address at Somers Town, to Rev. W. J., at the Turk's Head Coffee-house^ in the Strand, she may accomplish the declared object of her wishes immediately.
Friday, May 12, 1826. I ENTREAT YOU to KEEP to YOUR WORD, or it may be fatal. Laws were made to bind the villains of society.
Thursday, June 1, 1843. A NEWFOUNDLAND DOG HAS TEETH.
Saturday, June 21, 1845. S. B. is a STRICT Disciplinarian, and not afraid of a rather unruly Pupil.
Friday, December 10, 1847. DEAR FITZY, yr. presence is REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY. Delay not a moment. The little birds, nutmegs, silver beaks, &c, greet you.-Mov.
Tuesday, April 17, 1849. THE BARON is open to MEET ALL THE WORLD for any amount a side. The stakes will be forthcoming at the old place on April 29, 1849, at 6.
Saturday, February 15, 1851. TO D.-THANKS for your COMMUNICATION. As the clothes are ready, I am ready to wear them. Always the same; the bar of iron. Pray communicate. -E. W.
Thursday, October 2, 1851. TO NELLY.-"The MINSTREL BOY," who left Gr. . . s T. n unknown to his friends about three weeks since. Was dressed in a rusty black surtout coat, common cloth waistcoat, trowsers marked with ink, and an old Caen hat. No ear for music. Pray return to your disconsolate friends.. All will be forgiven, and Charlie will give up the front room.
Wednesday, June 23, 1852. I AM AN ASS.-A letter is sent to your post-office, directed to my bird's name.
Thursday, March 24, 1853. FLYBYNIGHT has GOT the ANCHOR. Corruption wins, and England's lost.-E. J. W.
Thursday, January 12, 1854. WHY SHAVE?
Thursday, October 16, 1856. CALEB WILLIAMS.-When authority is Faganized here and Sadlierized there, till Government is becoming but a section of the "Jolly Beggars' Clubs" British and foreign, what can happen but that the Crimea of society must follow that of War, and the Triumrogueate end in the reign of Bogus-tus ?-T. P. H.
Friday, June 5, 1857. QUEEN of HEARTS.-When is our picnic to come - off? My holydays are nearly over, and I shall not ask my masters for more, unless you write and tell me you wish it. After I left school I was down in Norfolk three times, but you were not visible. Since I saw you I have learnt something by heart, and if I get your direction I will let you know it.
Wednesday, December 30, 1857. X. CHEOPS.-No, no. Hands off my child. I am no longer bound by the laws of humanity, and had it been a boy, yes; but I will not risk my little gipsey girl amongst the pestilential marshes of Hungary, though there secure against every power.-B. Z. Q., 666. -CYGNE.
Saturday, June 19, 1858. HEARTSEASE.-On the brow of the vale. Received with thanks. Agreed as desired, if not too long delayed. Foes I never feared. Friends are sometimes treacherous. I have not forgotten the conservatory. As ever. W.
Saturday, March 12, 1859. CAUTION.-All persons assisting in secreting my daughter, ALICE JANE WILSON, 10 years old, are liable to seven years' imprisonment.-E. J. Wilson, Ennis, Ireland.
Saturday, June 1, 1861. A FAINT HEART NEVER WINS a FAIR LADY. The ANONYMOUS CORRESPONDENT whose letter was posted in Lombard Street, on Thursday last, is requested to be MORE EXPLICIT. R. sticks to his craft, and will persevere when he sees his way. Address, Post-office, Vigo-street, Regent-street.
Tuesday, April 29, 1862. TO R. N.-Wedding Cake. Spanish Knife. Awoke picking up tips of fingers. Is it a sign of my fall from the height which I fain would climb ?-H. C.
Saturday, January 14, 1865. FIDES. - All documents safely received. (99.39) F (194.40) (99.53) (27.86) (2) (157.20) (134.34) (12.31) (102.101) (2) (11.50) (223.7) (171-82) (251-76) (37-8i) (253.76) (110.90) (1) (199.10) (252-3S) (151-85) (94-8o) (P) (223.31) (134.41) (229.98) (8.93) (94.80) (252.96) (C) (17.94) (92.56) (160.25) (99.26) (150.67) (154.84) (8.81) (141.10) (1) (247-5i) (127.41) (250-1) (2) (106.11) (218.57).
Thursday, October 12, 1865. THE HEART of STONE.-Fifteen years of gloomiest depression and long, sad hours of pain and sorrow have made me what I am; but the idol of our mutual affection having now passed into a better life, "Heart of Stone" will relent if "Martyr" with meekness and submission befitting her self-adopted title, consents to the conditions stated in a former communication to Mr. Pollaky, Private Inquiry-office, 13, Paddington-green; until then, no meeting can, or shall take place.
Tuesday, July 3, 1866. O NOT FORGET the BEEF TEA.
Friday, August 15, 1870. WITH T.-You are merely her stepping stone. Arrived at T. B. G. B. Infatuated. Stop it. Some day you will turn, and her ruin will follow. She pretends you know all.