the problem with drinking
the problem with drinking is you get started, and you don't quit till you're puking. it makes smoking taste good, it makes shooting up a little harder, and it makes pot do crazy shit to your mind. mushrooms get real cool, acid makes you sick to your stomach and dizzy. but the real problem with drinking is it makes you think. pot, you know, doesn't make you think about the black shit like jack does. pot makes you look at the patterns in the wall texture and think about music while you jerk off. smack just makes you feel good all over your body. all in your blood. but jack makes you remember.
i remember my parents freaking out. fuckin' freaking totally out. the day we got caught, my brother and me--fuck. fuck. it was my fault, i thought the bathroom door was locked, and i was just glad he didn't get in trouble. he might've beaten me for it, and i don't mean in that way we pervs around here like to get beaten.
it was me. me, they sent for shock therapy. me, they hooked up to electrodes till i jittered worse than coming off junk. i remember the taste of the rubber bar in my mouth. i remember thinking of him when they put it in my mouth, remember the way the doctors' hands were all cold and impersonal, like his. i remember starting to like rubber sheets and i remember starting to buy little rubber sex toys just so i could clamp my teeth around them. i remember liking the catheters more every time they did one up.
and when i saw him again, i wondered why people were the way they were, why, when it's not like we were gonna have kids and carry on some twisted, inverted bloodline, that it was such a goddamned problem. we weren't hurting anyone. they were hurting us.
and now he doesn't even bother letting me know he's alive. sometimes i feel guilty for wanting him, cause i know how fucked it all is. but mostly i feel guilty because he's gone, and it's probably my fault. i miss him so fucking much, and maybe that's why i like going to people like liam who'll probably fuck me up in the end. it doesn't replace anything important but it reminds me. he never beat me the way jason does, but it's enough. it's pain. it's something.