RP Log with geniuscowboy | Trouble in Paradise
[Follows episode 1x11 "Time of Death" | Spoiler heavy]
The elevator ride seemed dizzying as Chris rode it back down to MT1 from the helipad. Eva's words rung in his head, and walking away probably wasn't the right way to deal with it, but if he had stood there, it would have opened a can of worms he suddenly didn't have the capacity to deal with. He was completely and 100% honest when he said a heart belonged in the chest under a ribcage; it was an analogy he had always lived by. Really didn't have much of a choice after what he had been through over the years.
And now this? Seriously? This, no more than two minutes after Rick had been standing there in his presence.
The doctors' room was dark and deserted by the time Chris stormed into it. He didn't bother stopping to turn the light on, he just went straight to his locker, fumbled with the key in the lock and then flung it open with such force, the door slammed loudly into the locker beside it. The noise dragged him back to reality a little and he smacked his hand against the edge of the locker, before leaning on it, dropping his head and scrunching his face up as he once again let Eva's words trickle through his mind. It felt like some sort of sick fucking joke, but surely Rick and Eva wouldn't stoop that low to get under his skin. He couldn't be sure about Rick, he didn't know his brother that well, but Eva never would and... Chris has seen the MRI of kidneys, riddled with cancer and it slotted into place in his mind. He cupped his hand over his forehead, shaking his head in disbelief before he just grabbed his backpack out and started randomly shoving items into it to take home. He wasn't going to stop and change, he just wanted to get the hell out of the place. He needed to be as far away from the hospital as a he could, preferably with a stiff drink in his hand.
Serena had heard the slam of the locker from out in the hall where she'd been talking to one of the nurses about a patient. At least she hadn't had to sign a death certificate this time. She still couldn't believe she'd had to call her first time of death. They dealt with the Golden Hour every day, but this was the first time she'd lost someone before she'd even had a chance to save them. Serena was slowly starting to realise that she probably never would have been able to save the young girl. She'd come in not breathing, it would have taken a miracle to get her going again.
Talking to Derek had also helped, it had made her see the girl as more than just a body - as a statistic. She was someone's sister, someone's twin. She'd called her brother as soon as she'd finished, needing to touch base with her own family. Now she was just finishing up her shift, but first she apparently had a mystery to solve. She came to the doctors' room and was about to flick on the light except she recognised the silhouette in the room without even needing it.
Chris.
She moved into the room without turning on the light, coming up to him as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "Are you okay? What's happened?"
Chris threw his bag over his shoulder and then roughly batted the locker door shut again, not bothering to lock it. He shook his head. "Nothing, it's fine. Fucked shift, what else can I say?" he muttered, digging around in the front pocket of the bag to try and find the keys to his bike lock. He had bitten the bullet and bought bike number three a couple of days before when it got tiresome bumming rides off everyone, especially when their shifts didn't always cross. He should have known things were going to go down the pan when he had to tackle a guy in febrile hallucinations who felt like smashing up the OR was a good idea. "Did you talk to the twin? He still down with that? Didn't tell you piss off in the end?" He was already starting to walk out of the room, not really even waiting for her answer. He didn't mean to be abrupt. She could always follow.
Serena watched him walk away, not sure if he did actually want her to follow, or not. It wasn't like she was giving him a ride. It wasn't like she could sit on the bars of his bike, either. Even if it was tempting to try. She quickly fished out her key to grab her bag, not taking the time to change either before she sprinted after Chris. She reached him just as he made it to the doors, and reached out to touch his shoulder. "Hey... it's me. You don't get to bullshit me. It's not just the shift. I know you after a fucked shift, and this isn't it. Yeah, I talked to Derek. He was actually really sweet. He found it hard when I had to tell my side, obviously. He lost his sister. It's never hearing about your sibling's death."
Chris kept his head down as he passed the staff station and kept intent on getting the elevators. "No, I don't imagine it would be," he said shortly as he stabbed the down button with probably more force than was necessary. "Maybe now you can get over the whole TOD thing," he found falling out of his mouth before he could stop it and he immediately felt like the biggest prick to walk the earth. The elevator hadn't even had time to reach them yet, so they were still in the viewing line of all their colleagues, but he still turned to her apologetically, reaching his hand out and brushing it briefly against her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that..."
"Yes, you did," Serena replied as she tried not to look like Chris had just slapped her in the face. She would have stepped out of his reach but she didn't want to create rumours by accident. Friends touching was fine, and they could get away with that impression. Just. But if Serena acted like a scolded lover the secret would be out. She wrapped her arms around herself as she just stood there quietly, waiting until the elevator arrived be she moved. She stood to the side as she avoided his gaze. "Gotta keep moving through it, right? Keep going. I'm already over it. I mean, it's no big thing. Doesn't matter."
Chris could feel the frustration and upset building inside him, and as soon as the doors swung closed he turned to her, throwing his hand up in the air. "You know what? Yeah, you do need to get on with and it and damn well deal with it! Just like we all had to! We've all been there and we all got up after it! We've all dealt with the first times, Serena! The death, the family members! Why should you get to dwell on them when we freaking didn't?!" he cried, raising his voice slightly at her for the first time ever. The whole time he had known her, he had not once threw any harsh words at her. "You're not the only resident who has ever pushed through their first time on Trauma!"
"And I fucking did!" Serena threw back at him. "Did I actually mention the TOD thing? Did I?! No, I said it was hard for the brother to hear about it. It was his sister, Chris! His sister. He's only eighteen and his body nearly shut down with the loss. I didn't say anything about it being hard for me. I pushed through it, I helped you with the surgery. I kept going. All because of what you said to me. I was going to thank you, but now I'm wondering why."
"You fucking bitched me out for trying to help you!" Chris snapped, his grip tightening around the strap of his bag. Were they seriously standing here having their first fight right after Eva told him his brother had cancer? "Don't give me that bullshit about thanking me! You made me feel like a dickwad for even trying! I was wondering why I even bothered! Next time, stick to fucking Proctor, who can tell you some deep story about a shit on a rock and relate it back to losing a fucking patient on the table!" Why hadn't he agreed when Eva offered him a lift home?
"I was still angry. I know I was being a bitch, but I was going to apologise! I am apologising. I'm sorry, Chris!" The apology was nearly yelled at him and she raised her hand to cover her mouth. She stared at him as she tried to work out how they had even started fighting but she was too scared to open her mouth in case more shouting came. "I didn't mean to make you feel like a dickwad," she finally said quietly just as the doors opened on the ground floor. "I really did appreciate it. I'm the dickwad... I'm sorry, Chris."
The ground floor of the hospital was quiet, the visiting hours well and truly over for the day. He was starting to feel sick, and needed to get on his bike and ride the whole way home. He walked out of the elevator, barely looking at Serena, until he stopped a few paces away and turned back. First, he just stood there, words failing him. Well, not completely failing him. For some reason, he was getting a resounding 'RICK. CANCER.' over and over and over again in his mind. "You ever just... see a diagnosis in passing, maybe standing over someone's shoulder, or catch it in a record that isn't your patient, and think 'Wow, that dude's really fucked', but then just go on your way without even taking the time to digest the enormity of it? That the fucked dude is going to have a family out there that is going to wonder if they need funeral arrangements or wish they never... let things just... stop between them. Do they deserve any less your compassion and tears because they haven't been around? Do you only care because the chick died at your hands?"
Serena gave a shake of her head as she slowly closed the gap between them. "No, she doesn't. Every patient deserves to be considered that way, but sometimes we don't stop and consider them until their actually on the table in front of us. It sucks, but it's true. We would also drive ourselves crazy if we didn't put a little distance between us and them. I know you encourage me to care about who we operate on, but there still needs to be a little bit of objectivity. Look what happened when Tuck got stabbed. We all panicked until Proctor pulled us into line a little bit. Chris, what happened?" She gently placed her hand on his arm. "Let me take you home. I won't stay, I just want to know you'll be safe."
Chris was biting down on the inside of his lip to fight the urge to scream or hit something. It was going to just be counter-productive. He would hurt himself, fuck with his hands, and he sort of needed his hands to pull off the whole surgeon thing. "You think I'm going to chuck myself off the balcony after a bad day?" he asked hoarsely and then let out a heavy sigh, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Eva just told me Rick has cancer. He came here, to see her, about a lesion on his kidney. He was there and we... Thanksgiving, and he didn't fucking say anything," he said through gritted teeth.
Serena felt her jaw slacken as she stared at Chris. She hadn't exactly met his brother, but it had whipped around MT1 faster than a tornado. Chatty Kathy really did not disappoint in the gossip stakes. She'd been more than curious about Rick, but hadn't had a chance to catch a glimpse. She'd also planned on seeing if Dave knew anything about him but she hadn't had a chance to catch up with Chris' best friend. "No, now I'm scared you'll chuck yourself off the balcony after finding out your brother has cancer." Serena looked helpless as she stood across from him, not even able to hug him as they stood in the hospital foyer. "Let me take you home."
Chris shook his head as a strange shiver set in through his body, even though it was a summer night. "No, I... got my bike, it's fine. I'm fine. No balconies," he promised her. There were further protests that died on his tongue, trying to justify away the whole situation because he and Rick hardly saw each other. He had told Serena that much in the OR, though even then, he had hardly elaborated on any details about his brother. It wasn't ever a subject he wanted to linger on. It didn't come with a lot of happy memories.
Serena wasn't going to push him to talk, but she still didn't think Chris should be alone. And she definitely didn't think he should be riding his bike while it was dark. Then again, maybe he needed to do something normal. Something to ground himself. "Look, you don't have a clicker I can fix, okay? I also know nothing I can say is going to make this better for you. Giving you a ride home means that I can at least give you a hug at the end of it. I can't... We're still at work. Lines can't be crossed here."
Chris shoulders slumped just a little more, if that was even possible and he took a few steps off to the side so he could lean against the nearby wall. He squeezed his fingers into his eyes, needing to just take a moment to stand here and feel crap. He just hoped once he let himself indulge in that, it wouldn't be hard to shake. He was so confused and hurt, and for the first time in a long time, he felt completely lost and young. His big brother wasn't supposed to turn around and do something like fucking get cancer! His throat constricted a little and for a shaky couple of passing moments, he feared he was going to throw up, even leaning forward a little so he didn't screw with another pair of shoes. The shock was setting in now, it had done a running leap over the anger and landed sharply on his chest, by the way it was suddenly aching. "If there was just one thing I wanted him to not fuck up, it was this," he said in a hoarse whisper, shaking his head.
Serena stepped forward as she glanced around them and reached out to rub her hand against his back. Colleagues could comfort each other, right? They were adults, and it wouldn't automatically mean they were doing it. She and Chris exchanged little touches all the time. They were friends. Friends touched. "I'm sure if he could have had the power to stop it, he would have. It's not like anyone gets cancer intentionally... I'm sorry, Chris. I'm so sorry."
"I'm not talking about the cancer! I'm talking about my brother being a fucking coward, like he always is! He screws up and expects everyone else to bail him out of it!" Chris lifted his head, looking at her when the urge to cry in frustration became almost too much to fight off. He was thankful of the dim light, so hopefully there was a chance she didn't actually see how much he was wavering here. "He asked Eva to tell me. I was standing there talking to him two minutes before about making an effort to try and catch up, and he couldn't even give me this much."
Serena pressed her lips together as she helped Chris straighten up a bit and wrapped her arms around him. She'd deal with the consequences if their were any, but Chris just found out his brother had cancer and if that wasn't a good enough explanation then she'd punch their lights out. She could have a good swing when she needed one. "Maybe he's just... Maybe he's scared. This is the first time he's seen you in how long, and all of a sudden he has to tell you he has cancer? I'm not saying he did the right thing, but at least you know?" Even Serena thought her words of comfort were pretty piss poor. She frowned as she tried to think up something better, but failed.
Chris accepted the hug silently. He let it linger until his mind swerved off again and he pulled away, throwing his hands up in frustration. He hadn't intended in any way, shape, or form for Serena to be in the firing line of his anger or hurt. In fact, he really had just been trying to escape the hospital so he could deal with it again. But the floodgates had opened, and he didn't know how he was supposed to cope with it. He gestured sharply at himself. "I'm a doctor!" he cried and his voice echoed down the covered walkway. "Stop and think about that for a minute!"
Serena watched him, not sure that she wanted to be anywhere but in the firing line. They'd had puking tests, now there was the anger test. If they could survive this then it would only make them stronger, right? It would show Chris that she wasn't going anywhere. She'd be here no matter what. She just wished she'd had something profound to say. Or even some sort of Proctor metaphor. She didn't. "What would you have done if he had come to you?"
"He's my brother!" Chris almost shrieked, his voice cracking when his eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over. "What do you think I would have done?!"
Serena glanced around, and thought about reaching out to him again, but she couldn't. "I think you would have done exactly what you were doing now. I'm guessing you saw his diagnosis without even realising it was your brother and you figured the patient was fucked. Now you know it was your brother, and you don't want to think about him as fucked. You want to know you can save him. He's taken away your chance by not even owning up to it, by leaving Eva to tell you."
Chris held up his hand and shook his head. "No... no, he didn't just not own up. He bent over fucking backwards to keep it from me. He went straight to Eva for everything, he even kissed her to stop me finding out. Then he just got guilty about not damn well telling me because I tried to make nice and suggest we catch up. I thought after seeing a dude lose his twin, maybe time might heal some things. Well, you know what? Fuck that for a joke," he spat and started to walk away again when he realised they actually had an audience of a handful of nurses out for a cigarette break a stone's throw away. But he stopped at the end of the walk way and turned around, holding his hand up helplessly. "And just for the record, I didn't mean what I said when I exploded at you. I just happen to think you're stronger than letting your first time of death defeat you."
Serena stood there for a long moment not sure if she was actually meant to chase after Chris, or not. It was hard to have this fight here and now in front of their audience. She had to be careful about what she said, how she acted. God only knew what the nurses were already thinking. Chris' brother's cancer wasn't exactly going to be a secret for much longer. She was still reeling from the revelation herself, even if she didn't know the guy. They'd only just exchanged knowledge of their brothers. They hadn't even met each other's family. Who knew if they would? Now she wasn't sure she'd get the chance. Serena sucked in a breath and came up to Chris again and grabbed at his arm to keep him looking at her. "It hasn't defeated me! Why do you keep thinking it has? Chris, you got me through that. I kept moving. I might not have been gracious about it, but I did what you said. Am I here in front of you in a crumpled mess? I am I still back in the OR staring at the table where I lost her? No, I'm not. I'm here with you trying to help you. But I can't even do that, can I? Because you still think I'm caught up in my own shit... You might not have meant what you said then, but I think you believe it all the same. I'm sorry your brother went to such great lengths to keep this all from you. I can't pretend to understand it, and I guess I can't even try and explain it. Maybe he's just ashamed of always having to come to you for help. Maybe he thinks he's reached his quota, and you don't want to help him anymore. I don't know, Chris. I just know that you're the one I want to protect."
"Well, I don't need protecting," Chris said in a low voice, holding his hand up. "I haven't my whole life, and I don't now. You should go and get a drink or something. You earned it after your day," he added quietly and then was stooping over the bike rack. He had the lock undone quickly and climbed onto his bike, managing to keep his gaze averted the whole time. As he rode off down the drive, he knew that if he looked back, he would have gotten back off the bike and really did something he regretted in front of their audience, and he just wasn't sure he had the energy to cope with that right now.
The elevator ride seemed dizzying as Chris rode it back down to MT1 from the helipad. Eva's words rung in his head, and walking away probably wasn't the right way to deal with it, but if he had stood there, it would have opened a can of worms he suddenly didn't have the capacity to deal with. He was completely and 100% honest when he said a heart belonged in the chest under a ribcage; it was an analogy he had always lived by. Really didn't have much of a choice after what he had been through over the years.
And now this? Seriously? This, no more than two minutes after Rick had been standing there in his presence.
The doctors' room was dark and deserted by the time Chris stormed into it. He didn't bother stopping to turn the light on, he just went straight to his locker, fumbled with the key in the lock and then flung it open with such force, the door slammed loudly into the locker beside it. The noise dragged him back to reality a little and he smacked his hand against the edge of the locker, before leaning on it, dropping his head and scrunching his face up as he once again let Eva's words trickle through his mind. It felt like some sort of sick fucking joke, but surely Rick and Eva wouldn't stoop that low to get under his skin. He couldn't be sure about Rick, he didn't know his brother that well, but Eva never would and... Chris has seen the MRI of kidneys, riddled with cancer and it slotted into place in his mind. He cupped his hand over his forehead, shaking his head in disbelief before he just grabbed his backpack out and started randomly shoving items into it to take home. He wasn't going to stop and change, he just wanted to get the hell out of the place. He needed to be as far away from the hospital as a he could, preferably with a stiff drink in his hand.
Serena had heard the slam of the locker from out in the hall where she'd been talking to one of the nurses about a patient. At least she hadn't had to sign a death certificate this time. She still couldn't believe she'd had to call her first time of death. They dealt with the Golden Hour every day, but this was the first time she'd lost someone before she'd even had a chance to save them. Serena was slowly starting to realise that she probably never would have been able to save the young girl. She'd come in not breathing, it would have taken a miracle to get her going again.
Talking to Derek had also helped, it had made her see the girl as more than just a body - as a statistic. She was someone's sister, someone's twin. She'd called her brother as soon as she'd finished, needing to touch base with her own family. Now she was just finishing up her shift, but first she apparently had a mystery to solve. She came to the doctors' room and was about to flick on the light except she recognised the silhouette in the room without even needing it.
Chris.
She moved into the room without turning on the light, coming up to him as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "Are you okay? What's happened?"
Chris threw his bag over his shoulder and then roughly batted the locker door shut again, not bothering to lock it. He shook his head. "Nothing, it's fine. Fucked shift, what else can I say?" he muttered, digging around in the front pocket of the bag to try and find the keys to his bike lock. He had bitten the bullet and bought bike number three a couple of days before when it got tiresome bumming rides off everyone, especially when their shifts didn't always cross. He should have known things were going to go down the pan when he had to tackle a guy in febrile hallucinations who felt like smashing up the OR was a good idea. "Did you talk to the twin? He still down with that? Didn't tell you piss off in the end?" He was already starting to walk out of the room, not really even waiting for her answer. He didn't mean to be abrupt. She could always follow.
Serena watched him walk away, not sure if he did actually want her to follow, or not. It wasn't like she was giving him a ride. It wasn't like she could sit on the bars of his bike, either. Even if it was tempting to try. She quickly fished out her key to grab her bag, not taking the time to change either before she sprinted after Chris. She reached him just as he made it to the doors, and reached out to touch his shoulder. "Hey... it's me. You don't get to bullshit me. It's not just the shift. I know you after a fucked shift, and this isn't it. Yeah, I talked to Derek. He was actually really sweet. He found it hard when I had to tell my side, obviously. He lost his sister. It's never hearing about your sibling's death."
Chris kept his head down as he passed the staff station and kept intent on getting the elevators. "No, I don't imagine it would be," he said shortly as he stabbed the down button with probably more force than was necessary. "Maybe now you can get over the whole TOD thing," he found falling out of his mouth before he could stop it and he immediately felt like the biggest prick to walk the earth. The elevator hadn't even had time to reach them yet, so they were still in the viewing line of all their colleagues, but he still turned to her apologetically, reaching his hand out and brushing it briefly against her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that..."
"Yes, you did," Serena replied as she tried not to look like Chris had just slapped her in the face. She would have stepped out of his reach but she didn't want to create rumours by accident. Friends touching was fine, and they could get away with that impression. Just. But if Serena acted like a scolded lover the secret would be out. She wrapped her arms around herself as she just stood there quietly, waiting until the elevator arrived be she moved. She stood to the side as she avoided his gaze. "Gotta keep moving through it, right? Keep going. I'm already over it. I mean, it's no big thing. Doesn't matter."
Chris could feel the frustration and upset building inside him, and as soon as the doors swung closed he turned to her, throwing his hand up in the air. "You know what? Yeah, you do need to get on with and it and damn well deal with it! Just like we all had to! We've all been there and we all got up after it! We've all dealt with the first times, Serena! The death, the family members! Why should you get to dwell on them when we freaking didn't?!" he cried, raising his voice slightly at her for the first time ever. The whole time he had known her, he had not once threw any harsh words at her. "You're not the only resident who has ever pushed through their first time on Trauma!"
"And I fucking did!" Serena threw back at him. "Did I actually mention the TOD thing? Did I?! No, I said it was hard for the brother to hear about it. It was his sister, Chris! His sister. He's only eighteen and his body nearly shut down with the loss. I didn't say anything about it being hard for me. I pushed through it, I helped you with the surgery. I kept going. All because of what you said to me. I was going to thank you, but now I'm wondering why."
"You fucking bitched me out for trying to help you!" Chris snapped, his grip tightening around the strap of his bag. Were they seriously standing here having their first fight right after Eva told him his brother had cancer? "Don't give me that bullshit about thanking me! You made me feel like a dickwad for even trying! I was wondering why I even bothered! Next time, stick to fucking Proctor, who can tell you some deep story about a shit on a rock and relate it back to losing a fucking patient on the table!" Why hadn't he agreed when Eva offered him a lift home?
"I was still angry. I know I was being a bitch, but I was going to apologise! I am apologising. I'm sorry, Chris!" The apology was nearly yelled at him and she raised her hand to cover her mouth. She stared at him as she tried to work out how they had even started fighting but she was too scared to open her mouth in case more shouting came. "I didn't mean to make you feel like a dickwad," she finally said quietly just as the doors opened on the ground floor. "I really did appreciate it. I'm the dickwad... I'm sorry, Chris."
The ground floor of the hospital was quiet, the visiting hours well and truly over for the day. He was starting to feel sick, and needed to get on his bike and ride the whole way home. He walked out of the elevator, barely looking at Serena, until he stopped a few paces away and turned back. First, he just stood there, words failing him. Well, not completely failing him. For some reason, he was getting a resounding 'RICK. CANCER.' over and over and over again in his mind. "You ever just... see a diagnosis in passing, maybe standing over someone's shoulder, or catch it in a record that isn't your patient, and think 'Wow, that dude's really fucked', but then just go on your way without even taking the time to digest the enormity of it? That the fucked dude is going to have a family out there that is going to wonder if they need funeral arrangements or wish they never... let things just... stop between them. Do they deserve any less your compassion and tears because they haven't been around? Do you only care because the chick died at your hands?"
Serena gave a shake of her head as she slowly closed the gap between them. "No, she doesn't. Every patient deserves to be considered that way, but sometimes we don't stop and consider them until their actually on the table in front of us. It sucks, but it's true. We would also drive ourselves crazy if we didn't put a little distance between us and them. I know you encourage me to care about who we operate on, but there still needs to be a little bit of objectivity. Look what happened when Tuck got stabbed. We all panicked until Proctor pulled us into line a little bit. Chris, what happened?" She gently placed her hand on his arm. "Let me take you home. I won't stay, I just want to know you'll be safe."
Chris was biting down on the inside of his lip to fight the urge to scream or hit something. It was going to just be counter-productive. He would hurt himself, fuck with his hands, and he sort of needed his hands to pull off the whole surgeon thing. "You think I'm going to chuck myself off the balcony after a bad day?" he asked hoarsely and then let out a heavy sigh, shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Eva just told me Rick has cancer. He came here, to see her, about a lesion on his kidney. He was there and we... Thanksgiving, and he didn't fucking say anything," he said through gritted teeth.
Serena felt her jaw slacken as she stared at Chris. She hadn't exactly met his brother, but it had whipped around MT1 faster than a tornado. Chatty Kathy really did not disappoint in the gossip stakes. She'd been more than curious about Rick, but hadn't had a chance to catch a glimpse. She'd also planned on seeing if Dave knew anything about him but she hadn't had a chance to catch up with Chris' best friend. "No, now I'm scared you'll chuck yourself off the balcony after finding out your brother has cancer." Serena looked helpless as she stood across from him, not even able to hug him as they stood in the hospital foyer. "Let me take you home."
Chris shook his head as a strange shiver set in through his body, even though it was a summer night. "No, I... got my bike, it's fine. I'm fine. No balconies," he promised her. There were further protests that died on his tongue, trying to justify away the whole situation because he and Rick hardly saw each other. He had told Serena that much in the OR, though even then, he had hardly elaborated on any details about his brother. It wasn't ever a subject he wanted to linger on. It didn't come with a lot of happy memories.
Serena wasn't going to push him to talk, but she still didn't think Chris should be alone. And she definitely didn't think he should be riding his bike while it was dark. Then again, maybe he needed to do something normal. Something to ground himself. "Look, you don't have a clicker I can fix, okay? I also know nothing I can say is going to make this better for you. Giving you a ride home means that I can at least give you a hug at the end of it. I can't... We're still at work. Lines can't be crossed here."
Chris shoulders slumped just a little more, if that was even possible and he took a few steps off to the side so he could lean against the nearby wall. He squeezed his fingers into his eyes, needing to just take a moment to stand here and feel crap. He just hoped once he let himself indulge in that, it wouldn't be hard to shake. He was so confused and hurt, and for the first time in a long time, he felt completely lost and young. His big brother wasn't supposed to turn around and do something like fucking get cancer! His throat constricted a little and for a shaky couple of passing moments, he feared he was going to throw up, even leaning forward a little so he didn't screw with another pair of shoes. The shock was setting in now, it had done a running leap over the anger and landed sharply on his chest, by the way it was suddenly aching. "If there was just one thing I wanted him to not fuck up, it was this," he said in a hoarse whisper, shaking his head.
Serena stepped forward as she glanced around them and reached out to rub her hand against his back. Colleagues could comfort each other, right? They were adults, and it wouldn't automatically mean they were doing it. She and Chris exchanged little touches all the time. They were friends. Friends touched. "I'm sure if he could have had the power to stop it, he would have. It's not like anyone gets cancer intentionally... I'm sorry, Chris. I'm so sorry."
"I'm not talking about the cancer! I'm talking about my brother being a fucking coward, like he always is! He screws up and expects everyone else to bail him out of it!" Chris lifted his head, looking at her when the urge to cry in frustration became almost too much to fight off. He was thankful of the dim light, so hopefully there was a chance she didn't actually see how much he was wavering here. "He asked Eva to tell me. I was standing there talking to him two minutes before about making an effort to try and catch up, and he couldn't even give me this much."
Serena pressed her lips together as she helped Chris straighten up a bit and wrapped her arms around him. She'd deal with the consequences if their were any, but Chris just found out his brother had cancer and if that wasn't a good enough explanation then she'd punch their lights out. She could have a good swing when she needed one. "Maybe he's just... Maybe he's scared. This is the first time he's seen you in how long, and all of a sudden he has to tell you he has cancer? I'm not saying he did the right thing, but at least you know?" Even Serena thought her words of comfort were pretty piss poor. She frowned as she tried to think up something better, but failed.
Chris accepted the hug silently. He let it linger until his mind swerved off again and he pulled away, throwing his hands up in frustration. He hadn't intended in any way, shape, or form for Serena to be in the firing line of his anger or hurt. In fact, he really had just been trying to escape the hospital so he could deal with it again. But the floodgates had opened, and he didn't know how he was supposed to cope with it. He gestured sharply at himself. "I'm a doctor!" he cried and his voice echoed down the covered walkway. "Stop and think about that for a minute!"
Serena watched him, not sure that she wanted to be anywhere but in the firing line. They'd had puking tests, now there was the anger test. If they could survive this then it would only make them stronger, right? It would show Chris that she wasn't going anywhere. She'd be here no matter what. She just wished she'd had something profound to say. Or even some sort of Proctor metaphor. She didn't. "What would you have done if he had come to you?"
"He's my brother!" Chris almost shrieked, his voice cracking when his eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over. "What do you think I would have done?!"
Serena glanced around, and thought about reaching out to him again, but she couldn't. "I think you would have done exactly what you were doing now. I'm guessing you saw his diagnosis without even realising it was your brother and you figured the patient was fucked. Now you know it was your brother, and you don't want to think about him as fucked. You want to know you can save him. He's taken away your chance by not even owning up to it, by leaving Eva to tell you."
Chris held up his hand and shook his head. "No... no, he didn't just not own up. He bent over fucking backwards to keep it from me. He went straight to Eva for everything, he even kissed her to stop me finding out. Then he just got guilty about not damn well telling me because I tried to make nice and suggest we catch up. I thought after seeing a dude lose his twin, maybe time might heal some things. Well, you know what? Fuck that for a joke," he spat and started to walk away again when he realised they actually had an audience of a handful of nurses out for a cigarette break a stone's throw away. But he stopped at the end of the walk way and turned around, holding his hand up helplessly. "And just for the record, I didn't mean what I said when I exploded at you. I just happen to think you're stronger than letting your first time of death defeat you."
Serena stood there for a long moment not sure if she was actually meant to chase after Chris, or not. It was hard to have this fight here and now in front of their audience. She had to be careful about what she said, how she acted. God only knew what the nurses were already thinking. Chris' brother's cancer wasn't exactly going to be a secret for much longer. She was still reeling from the revelation herself, even if she didn't know the guy. They'd only just exchanged knowledge of their brothers. They hadn't even met each other's family. Who knew if they would? Now she wasn't sure she'd get the chance. Serena sucked in a breath and came up to Chris again and grabbed at his arm to keep him looking at her. "It hasn't defeated me! Why do you keep thinking it has? Chris, you got me through that. I kept moving. I might not have been gracious about it, but I did what you said. Am I here in front of you in a crumpled mess? I am I still back in the OR staring at the table where I lost her? No, I'm not. I'm here with you trying to help you. But I can't even do that, can I? Because you still think I'm caught up in my own shit... You might not have meant what you said then, but I think you believe it all the same. I'm sorry your brother went to such great lengths to keep this all from you. I can't pretend to understand it, and I guess I can't even try and explain it. Maybe he's just ashamed of always having to come to you for help. Maybe he thinks he's reached his quota, and you don't want to help him anymore. I don't know, Chris. I just know that you're the one I want to protect."
"Well, I don't need protecting," Chris said in a low voice, holding his hand up. "I haven't my whole life, and I don't now. You should go and get a drink or something. You earned it after your day," he added quietly and then was stooping over the bike rack. He had the lock undone quickly and climbed onto his bike, managing to keep his gaze averted the whole time. As he rode off down the drive, he knew that if he looked back, he would have gotten back off the bike and really did something he regretted in front of their audience, and he just wasn't sure he had the energy to cope with that right now.