Panic involving work, jealousy and total fucked-ness.
I'm having anxiety right now.
Strangely enough, I'm not having any symptoms like heart-weirdness or tummy-ouchness. I'm just really ... worried. And sad.
Of course, work's a nightmare. There's really not a lot I can DO during the day, but the stuff I can do is so damn important that screwing up even a little isn't affordable. I can't learn from my mistakes because I don't have time to adjust for error. I just... don't have time.
I havn't been sleeping much. Last night was particularly bad because I stayed up til 4:30. I slept in because I just felt like total ass. When I got in to work I saw I had missed my appointment on the microtome and now, I was a whole day behind my very tight schedule. I couldn't make up for lost time because the microtome is on a tight schedule, too. I wasted a whole day because of two hours of sleep in.
I had also screwed up some sample labeling eight months ago, didn't notice until now, and have to attempt to make up for it by re-genotyping the tissue. It's not the usual tissue we genotype, so I don't think it will work well at all. I should have at least started the process two days ago, but I totally forgot. So, effectively, I'm two days behind. AND TIRED.
I'm working on the weekend to make up the lost time. Despite how overworked I am, I was looking forward to having my friend Tori come over this Saturday but BF decided that even after a week of hearing about how they were coming over, he's changed his mind and was 'too stressed' to have company. EVEN though we had plans to have his friends over, and he had just spent an evening drinking with his friends. I was starting to feel overwhelmed, too, so I canceled my plans with her. It worked out for her, too. She had to work. But now I have a pie that no one will eat.
We had the farewell dinner tonight. I couldn't enjoy myself because I was tired and the intern was there. My boss was all doting on him and how he got into medical school that morning in addition to the work he'll be doing in my boss's new lab. It's not the interns fault, of course, that's just what he's managed to do for himself. But, my boss clearly likes him SO MUCH. I think the boss believes the intern is his protege or something. I don't know. It's all probably really innocent.... but it really makes me sad that I'm the one left behind with no job AND no future.
I left the dinner early because 1. I was exhausted. 2. I was feeling anxiety pangs. and 3. We were supposed to have BF's friends come over to our house! I don't know WHY we planned on doing it all at once but there it was. I was so tired and slightly drunk that I made BF drive. I fell asleep in the car and only woke up when BF cut off a car who honked at us. This made me more upset, naturally.
When we got in the house, I began anemic attempts at cleaning up. Then, I guess he called the friends and asked them to post pone until tomorrow. WHICH pissed me off because I had just canceled my plans with MY friends because he was too stressed... now we're having people come over ANYWAY. I woulda wanted to pitch a fit about it but I was so damn tired. I crawled onto the couch and fell asleep immediately. I woke up and tried to go back to sleep at 2am, but I just can't do it because of the following three things: Looking for a job, loosing a job, and still working at a job.
I got a letter from someone saying even though she tried to get her boss to hire me, they didn't have any openings. I sorta expected this but now it makes it obvious I have to work harder at finding a new job. I was putting it off because I was too busy. Now, I can't ignore it so much. She also mentioned people I could call about a job. See... I don't do cold calls. It makes me anxious. Even thinking about it makes me want to barf. So, I got anxious.
I'm also very sure I missed something fun at the dinner. I probably missed my chance to have the boss thank me in front of everyone- as selfish as that sounds. So, I'm really anxious about how I'm being totally fucked again despite all my hard work and dedication to a lab. AGAIN.
I have a lot of work to do on Saturday. I need to work for at least 4 hours, probably more. I need to clean the house because we'll have guests. I need to clean the house because it's FILTHY and that stresses me out. And, to make matters worse... I'm having anxiety attacks while I should be sleeping.
I just feel like it's all finally got me and dragged me to the bottom of the sea. This is the part where I really wish I could lay down and die. Or at least sleep. This is the part where I'm totally praying for someone or something to swoop in and save me. Or fix something.
Ugh, I'm also all irritated and overly worried about the scar on my chest. I was so concerned it would scar I kept putting neosporin and baby oil on it. I ended up getting contact dermatitis from all the 'medicine' and probably made the damn thing worse. It's all lumpy and developing into a hypertrophic scar. And, I'm soooo disappointed I will have yet another thing I wish I could have lopped off my body. I'm really hoping it will just improve on it's own, but I'm also not one that has great luck lately.
Strangely enough, I'm not having any symptoms like heart-weirdness or tummy-ouchness. I'm just really ... worried. And sad.
Of course, work's a nightmare. There's really not a lot I can DO during the day, but the stuff I can do is so damn important that screwing up even a little isn't affordable. I can't learn from my mistakes because I don't have time to adjust for error. I just... don't have time.
I havn't been sleeping much. Last night was particularly bad because I stayed up til 4:30. I slept in because I just felt like total ass. When I got in to work I saw I had missed my appointment on the microtome and now, I was a whole day behind my very tight schedule. I couldn't make up for lost time because the microtome is on a tight schedule, too. I wasted a whole day because of two hours of sleep in.
I had also screwed up some sample labeling eight months ago, didn't notice until now, and have to attempt to make up for it by re-genotyping the tissue. It's not the usual tissue we genotype, so I don't think it will work well at all. I should have at least started the process two days ago, but I totally forgot. So, effectively, I'm two days behind. AND TIRED.
I'm working on the weekend to make up the lost time. Despite how overworked I am, I was looking forward to having my friend Tori come over this Saturday but BF decided that even after a week of hearing about how they were coming over, he's changed his mind and was 'too stressed' to have company. EVEN though we had plans to have his friends over, and he had just spent an evening drinking with his friends. I was starting to feel overwhelmed, too, so I canceled my plans with her. It worked out for her, too. She had to work. But now I have a pie that no one will eat.
We had the farewell dinner tonight. I couldn't enjoy myself because I was tired and the intern was there. My boss was all doting on him and how he got into medical school that morning in addition to the work he'll be doing in my boss's new lab. It's not the interns fault, of course, that's just what he's managed to do for himself. But, my boss clearly likes him SO MUCH. I think the boss believes the intern is his protege or something. I don't know. It's all probably really innocent.... but it really makes me sad that I'm the one left behind with no job AND no future.
I left the dinner early because 1. I was exhausted. 2. I was feeling anxiety pangs. and 3. We were supposed to have BF's friends come over to our house! I don't know WHY we planned on doing it all at once but there it was. I was so tired and slightly drunk that I made BF drive. I fell asleep in the car and only woke up when BF cut off a car who honked at us. This made me more upset, naturally.
When we got in the house, I began anemic attempts at cleaning up. Then, I guess he called the friends and asked them to post pone until tomorrow. WHICH pissed me off because I had just canceled my plans with MY friends because he was too stressed... now we're having people come over ANYWAY. I woulda wanted to pitch a fit about it but I was so damn tired. I crawled onto the couch and fell asleep immediately. I woke up and tried to go back to sleep at 2am, but I just can't do it because of the following three things: Looking for a job, loosing a job, and still working at a job.
I got a letter from someone saying even though she tried to get her boss to hire me, they didn't have any openings. I sorta expected this but now it makes it obvious I have to work harder at finding a new job. I was putting it off because I was too busy. Now, I can't ignore it so much. She also mentioned people I could call about a job. See... I don't do cold calls. It makes me anxious. Even thinking about it makes me want to barf. So, I got anxious.
I'm also very sure I missed something fun at the dinner. I probably missed my chance to have the boss thank me in front of everyone- as selfish as that sounds. So, I'm really anxious about how I'm being totally fucked again despite all my hard work and dedication to a lab. AGAIN.
I have a lot of work to do on Saturday. I need to work for at least 4 hours, probably more. I need to clean the house because we'll have guests. I need to clean the house because it's FILTHY and that stresses me out. And, to make matters worse... I'm having anxiety attacks while I should be sleeping.
I just feel like it's all finally got me and dragged me to the bottom of the sea. This is the part where I really wish I could lay down and die. Or at least sleep. This is the part where I'm totally praying for someone or something to swoop in and save me. Or fix something.
Ugh, I'm also all irritated and overly worried about the scar on my chest. I was so concerned it would scar I kept putting neosporin and baby oil on it. I ended up getting contact dermatitis from all the 'medicine' and probably made the damn thing worse. It's all lumpy and developing into a hypertrophic scar. And, I'm soooo disappointed I will have yet another thing I wish I could have lopped off my body. I'm really hoping it will just improve on it's own, but I'm also not one that has great luck lately.