I Won't Drown
Title: I Won't Drown
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Word Count: 737
Genre: Character Study
Summary: Seunghyun smiles, and there, there is when he sees Seungri.
AN: Slight drabble where I am rambling. I sometimes feel like I have so much to express, but don't know exactly how to express it. This is what occurs. Critiques and discussion are welcome.
Lee Seunghyun wakes up at the crack of dawn, whimpering under the bed covers because he’s only had about four hours of sleep. He knows another day-long schedule of endorsement photo shoots awaits him. But for a moment he relishes the half-dream state he’s in, the lines between sleep and reality still a little blurry. The clarity of morning breaks its way through eventually though, leaving him staring at the iridescent red numbers on his clock. A sigh, the rustling oh sheets and the creak of a mattress as Seunghyun gets up from the comforts of him bed.
He’s in front of his mirror now, the abrasive light cast catching all of his imperfections in front of him. He takes a deep breath, stares at the pimple at the edge of his forehead, the way his facial hair is growing in, and damn, he’s going to have to shave it soon. He glances at his arms, wiggles his finger experimentally, makes sure he’s all there. But mostly he stares at his face, at the hooded eyes and thick eyebrows. For a moment, Seunghyun is relaxed. In the predawn, before the start of the day, he looks at himself and he sees, he knows that this is Lee Seunghyun.
This guy right here, the one who isn’t perfect, who nicks himself on accident when he shaves, the one who dislikes shampoo that smells too strong and who enjoys Japanese comedy shows. Yeah, that guy. He’s still here, still alive. Seunghyun sees the strain, of course. He’s still going strong, but he’s tired, his breathes coming out in sighs more often than not. Here he feels the bone-deep ache of too many nights spent awake, working on songs, working on choreography, working on Big Bang. But he’s not gone. Not yet, at least Seunghyun hopes.
In the beginning, when they had just started and he had been presented the role of maknae he had almost lost himself. Almost become the image they wanted to sell, the silly, idiotic, immature maknae who just couldn’t quite keep up. Because being anyone other than Seungri during that time would have killed him. All of him, he’s quite sure. Seungri was cocky and didn’t care if other people scolded him. Seungri wasn’t ashamed to mess up; he laughed it off and kept going. Seunghyun cringed, with every misplaced foot, every cracking note. His hyungs and his manager and even his vocal coach, they were all disappointed, all expected more and more from him. But Jiyong yelled at him, growled out his frustrations behind those pretty lips. His manager whispered in his ears, 'Remember to be cute for the cameras, act confident, and whatever you do, don't stay down."
Seungri was strong enough to be left out of the group of four, even when it included him now. He had made it, Yang Hyeun Seuk had accepted him back into the band. He had seen something in Seunghyun worth while, had decided to give him a second chance. He wasn't, he wasn't expendable, right? He wasn't like Jiyong, or Youngbae or even Daesung, but he had all he had to give. And, he wanted to love Big Bang. He had wanted to love his hyungs and depend on them and be a part of them. But it was Hyeunseung they had cried over. It was with him that they had bunched around, sped tears and cried goodbye as if the latter was going to die. Seunghyun wasn't trying to take his place, he just wanted a place of his own. He wanted to be a part of Big Bang, with Big Bang. But Jiyong's scowls and Youngbae's pitying glances told him otherwise. It was in the eldest Seunghyun's steadfast silence when he tried to know him, and it was in Daesung's inability to communicate with Seunghyun. He was not a part of Big Bang. He was simply an added appendage, a wayward branch in an otherwise strong tree. Seunghyun would have broken long ago, somewhere along those lines.
And yet, the rope they gave him that kept him afloat almost became the noose that hung him. Seungri was so busy trying to keep himself together that he didn’t even see the cracks already snaking across his mask. He was so occupied making sure his smiles were conveying the right thing, the safe thing that he didn’t see they were already bursting at the seams. For a moment, Seungri was crushing the boy of Gwangju silently within him, suffocating the base that made him him. In his desperation to save himself, Seunghyun was becoming lost. And for moments of time, he feared it had become true.
But it didn’t happen. Somehow, he made it out of the darkness. No, wait; he knows how he made it. With buckets of tears, rivers of blood, and oceans of sweat. Through it all, Seunghyun survived, and learned how to use Seungri to protect him without killing himself. Seunghyun knows now, so that when he smiles at his mirror now, in the dim light, he knows exactly when he becomes Seungri. He gives a lazy smirk, tilts his brows just the right way, forces himself to forget Lee Seunghyun for a moment, and, and there- there it is. Seungri stands in front of him now, confident in his assessment of who he sees staring back at him from that reflective surface. The smile is practiced, hours of thinking and agonizing about how to get it right, but there it is, so real fake that Seungri congratulates himself. This second skin isn’t something that Seunghyun can keep up forever, he knows that. He’s strong, but he’s not that strong. But for the moment Seungri has become a part of him, an essential part, and he knows he will not part from him for some time. He’s come to terms with the man he is, the part he’s been assigned.
All Seungri does is smile at him from the mirror.
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Word Count: 737
Genre: Character Study
Summary: Seunghyun smiles, and there, there is when he sees Seungri.
AN: Slight drabble where I am rambling. I sometimes feel like I have so much to express, but don't know exactly how to express it. This is what occurs. Critiques and discussion are welcome.
Lee Seunghyun wakes up at the crack of dawn, whimpering under the bed covers because he’s only had about four hours of sleep. He knows another day-long schedule of endorsement photo shoots awaits him. But for a moment he relishes the half-dream state he’s in, the lines between sleep and reality still a little blurry. The clarity of morning breaks its way through eventually though, leaving him staring at the iridescent red numbers on his clock. A sigh, the rustling oh sheets and the creak of a mattress as Seunghyun gets up from the comforts of him bed.
He’s in front of his mirror now, the abrasive light cast catching all of his imperfections in front of him. He takes a deep breath, stares at the pimple at the edge of his forehead, the way his facial hair is growing in, and damn, he’s going to have to shave it soon. He glances at his arms, wiggles his finger experimentally, makes sure he’s all there. But mostly he stares at his face, at the hooded eyes and thick eyebrows. For a moment, Seunghyun is relaxed. In the predawn, before the start of the day, he looks at himself and he sees, he knows that this is Lee Seunghyun.
This guy right here, the one who isn’t perfect, who nicks himself on accident when he shaves, the one who dislikes shampoo that smells too strong and who enjoys Japanese comedy shows. Yeah, that guy. He’s still here, still alive. Seunghyun sees the strain, of course. He’s still going strong, but he’s tired, his breathes coming out in sighs more often than not. Here he feels the bone-deep ache of too many nights spent awake, working on songs, working on choreography, working on Big Bang. But he’s not gone. Not yet, at least Seunghyun hopes.
In the beginning, when they had just started and he had been presented the role of maknae he had almost lost himself. Almost become the image they wanted to sell, the silly, idiotic, immature maknae who just couldn’t quite keep up. Because being anyone other than Seungri during that time would have killed him. All of him, he’s quite sure. Seungri was cocky and didn’t care if other people scolded him. Seungri wasn’t ashamed to mess up; he laughed it off and kept going. Seunghyun cringed, with every misplaced foot, every cracking note. His hyungs and his manager and even his vocal coach, they were all disappointed, all expected more and more from him. But Jiyong yelled at him, growled out his frustrations behind those pretty lips. His manager whispered in his ears, 'Remember to be cute for the cameras, act confident, and whatever you do, don't stay down."
Seungri was strong enough to be left out of the group of four, even when it included him now. He had made it, Yang Hyeun Seuk had accepted him back into the band. He had seen something in Seunghyun worth while, had decided to give him a second chance. He wasn't, he wasn't expendable, right? He wasn't like Jiyong, or Youngbae or even Daesung, but he had all he had to give. And, he wanted to love Big Bang. He had wanted to love his hyungs and depend on them and be a part of them. But it was Hyeunseung they had cried over. It was with him that they had bunched around, sped tears and cried goodbye as if the latter was going to die. Seunghyun wasn't trying to take his place, he just wanted a place of his own. He wanted to be a part of Big Bang, with Big Bang. But Jiyong's scowls and Youngbae's pitying glances told him otherwise. It was in the eldest Seunghyun's steadfast silence when he tried to know him, and it was in Daesung's inability to communicate with Seunghyun. He was not a part of Big Bang. He was simply an added appendage, a wayward branch in an otherwise strong tree. Seunghyun would have broken long ago, somewhere along those lines.
And yet, the rope they gave him that kept him afloat almost became the noose that hung him. Seungri was so busy trying to keep himself together that he didn’t even see the cracks already snaking across his mask. He was so occupied making sure his smiles were conveying the right thing, the safe thing that he didn’t see they were already bursting at the seams. For a moment, Seungri was crushing the boy of Gwangju silently within him, suffocating the base that made him him. In his desperation to save himself, Seunghyun was becoming lost. And for moments of time, he feared it had become true.
But it didn’t happen. Somehow, he made it out of the darkness. No, wait; he knows how he made it. With buckets of tears, rivers of blood, and oceans of sweat. Through it all, Seunghyun survived, and learned how to use Seungri to protect him without killing himself. Seunghyun knows now, so that when he smiles at his mirror now, in the dim light, he knows exactly when he becomes Seungri. He gives a lazy smirk, tilts his brows just the right way, forces himself to forget Lee Seunghyun for a moment, and, and there- there it is. Seungri stands in front of him now, confident in his assessment of who he sees staring back at him from that reflective surface. The smile is practiced, hours of thinking and agonizing about how to get it right, but there it is, so real fake that Seungri congratulates himself. This second skin isn’t something that Seunghyun can keep up forever, he knows that. He’s strong, but he’s not that strong. But for the moment Seungri has become a part of him, an essential part, and he knows he will not part from him for some time. He’s come to terms with the man he is, the part he’s been assigned.
All Seungri does is smile at him from the mirror.