(no subject)
tw: fat problems, body image problems, self-hate, emetophobia warning, other warnings???
Today seems like a day with a fair amount of my dash talking about weight issues of various kinds, which is DREADFULLY SERENDIPITOUS because it turns out that today was Hideous Ugly Fat Cow Day in Cygnaland!
What a good day to have, as said by no one, ever.
I was going to say, "I've been struggling with fat-related self-hatred a lot lately," but I realized that would be misleading, because it would imply I haven't spent...thirteen years? Something like that? Struggling with fat-related self-hatred.
This week it's been pretty bad: I've been hyperaware of the disgusting rolls of fat under my skin more often than usual.
I'm not sure if I've been gaining weight. I probably have. It's not like I have time to exercise - or inclination, at least compared to my inclination to do literally anything else including go investigate why the toilet isn't flushing. And that's...not actually something I think I should work on. Exercise is, for me, a draining and unpleasant task that takes away time of which I have little from things that make me happy. And I need those things, because I'm short of happy.
I also probably eat too much. Get hungry too often. Eat too much when I do. It would be easier if I didn't like food, if things didn't taste good, if I didn't like eating food. And I don't really want to work on that either.
On the other hand, I also kind of want to vomit up everything I've ever eaten. And then maybe take a knife and carve the fat out of my arms, my belly, my thighs.
Let me give all the fat-shaming "obesity epidemic" people out there a question: which is a more important health problem, a weight that may be linked to potential diabetes, or wanting to make myself throw up? Hint: the other one.
I mean, I haven't. I never have. But that's not because I don't think about it. It's because I know how bad that is for your throat and other upper digestive system.
But the funny thing is, since I haven't, this is completely invisible. Completely. Because I can be sitting in the car and laughing at something my mom said while thinking, "I'm a hideous disgusting blob of fat that probably should not, objectively, exist". Because contemplating how I don't have a mental image of what my body should look like because this is the only body I've ever had and I don't want another one but it disgusts me doesn't impede my workflow.
Because as long as I can handle it, it's like it doesn't exist.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I just wanted to vomit - ha ha! - the whole thing up *somehow*.
This entry also posted at http://cygna-hime.dreamwidth.org/379702.html, where
people thought it worth discussing.
Today seems like a day with a fair amount of my dash talking about weight issues of various kinds, which is DREADFULLY SERENDIPITOUS because it turns out that today was Hideous Ugly Fat Cow Day in Cygnaland!
What a good day to have, as said by no one, ever.
I was going to say, "I've been struggling with fat-related self-hatred a lot lately," but I realized that would be misleading, because it would imply I haven't spent...thirteen years? Something like that? Struggling with fat-related self-hatred.
This week it's been pretty bad: I've been hyperaware of the disgusting rolls of fat under my skin more often than usual.
I'm not sure if I've been gaining weight. I probably have. It's not like I have time to exercise - or inclination, at least compared to my inclination to do literally anything else including go investigate why the toilet isn't flushing. And that's...not actually something I think I should work on. Exercise is, for me, a draining and unpleasant task that takes away time of which I have little from things that make me happy. And I need those things, because I'm short of happy.
I also probably eat too much. Get hungry too often. Eat too much when I do. It would be easier if I didn't like food, if things didn't taste good, if I didn't like eating food. And I don't really want to work on that either.
On the other hand, I also kind of want to vomit up everything I've ever eaten. And then maybe take a knife and carve the fat out of my arms, my belly, my thighs.
Let me give all the fat-shaming "obesity epidemic" people out there a question: which is a more important health problem, a weight that may be linked to potential diabetes, or wanting to make myself throw up? Hint: the other one.
I mean, I haven't. I never have. But that's not because I don't think about it. It's because I know how bad that is for your throat and other upper digestive system.
But the funny thing is, since I haven't, this is completely invisible. Completely. Because I can be sitting in the car and laughing at something my mom said while thinking, "I'm a hideous disgusting blob of fat that probably should not, objectively, exist". Because contemplating how I don't have a mental image of what my body should look like because this is the only body I've ever had and I don't want another one but it disgusts me doesn't impede my workflow.
Because as long as I can handle it, it's like it doesn't exist.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe I just wanted to vomit - ha ha! - the whole thing up *somehow*.
This entry also posted at http://cygna-hime.dreamwidth.org/379702.html, where
people thought it worth discussing.