Until today, I've never owned a butter dish.

I'm pretty sure that eating ravioli with a steak knife is a sure sign that it's time to do the dishes...

The highlight of my day, and maybe the year so far, was seeing the expressions on my mom's face as she sat with my nephews and watched Adventure Time. I guess a cartoon plot involving a boy and a magical talking dog trying to convince a hipster party bear and his minions to stop having a rave in a giant monster's belly before they get turned into ( Read more... )

Chimpanzees with tasers and beanbag guns. Let's make this happen.

Dear Future:

I've pretty much given up on the whole flying cars in my lifetime thing. So, as a compromise I'm willing to accept sexy robots and/or rayguns that instantly etch the phrase "douche on board" into a PT Cruiser's paint job.

Waiting in Anticipation,
D_Beaver.

I drove to the mall with my aunt, and she started putting up one of those sun reflector screens in the windshield when we parked. I harrumphed and she asked why. I told her that it's 2011 and she should be pushing a button on the dashboard of her flying car to automatically mirror-tint the windows. She said I should give up that ideal because ( Read more... )

1) The soap in the hand dispenser does not have the smell, color, or consistency of hand soap.

2) Will the dried blood I noticed splatted on the inside of the stall still be on the seat, and feeding blood-borne pathogens through the 10 layer toilet paper shield I'm sitting on?

3) Bear attack.

The dilemma: I had to water water the plants in front of the windows, but was only wearing a pair of rubber gloves.
The solution: Any voyeur with binoculars and no standards got to watch me water plants in various stages of demise while shielding my junk with a giant beaver mascot head.

Last night I stopped at a red light and was "accosted" by a squeegee panhandler. And by accosted I mean he squeegeed my windshield while wearing only work boots, a pair of boxers, and a bed sheet toga. When I said that I didn't have any change, he said something to the effect of crazy guy public service, then went to squeegee a bus ( Read more... )

Yesterday I was hanging out with my brother before we went to dinner. His son was on the YouTube watching clips from Sesame Street and other educational shows. He had clicked a Flash cartoon of some kid singing the Alphabet Song. It looked like it was from Super Why or one of the countless other PBS kid shows ( Read more... )