(no subject)
So, first, an e.e. cummings poem:
somewhere i have never travelled
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
And it occurs to me, while I am wandering in my wonderings early this morning after the scare of the potential death of someone I love...
Will I ever be at peace? I mean, my body, my mind, my heart, my soul, my love, and my fucking life seem at odds near to constantly. Half the time I don't know what I want, the other half I feel guilted into feeling a certain way or other about a situation. I know how I feel, and conversely how I should and or shouldn't feel and it's fascinating how often these collide or are like similar magnetic poles.
You with your confusing ways, you need to stop being who you are to me. It hurts, it's confusing, it's not helping anything at this point. I thought you could go back, transmute into who you used to be...But I forgot the critical missing components. It's like trying to transmute stone into its various forms, only to forget the freezing or the melting or some random mineral fragment that just so happens to hold the whole thing in its precarious package...
I need a vacation. A huge ass nothing going on vacation. I'm giving myself the gift of a guiltless tranquility. Right now, I have to matter most. If I continue to not take care of myself, I'm going to finish burning out, have a break down, snap and kill someone. And, when you have a list and a means to that end...It's bad to have the snap happen.
There are some people I need right now.
Jewels, if you read this, I need to talk to you about some things I would say you specialize in. Not necessarily languages.
Kumquat, darling dearest...I need to talk to you. And, I need to talk to you as my best friend who understands that Shit Is Going On. Lots of Shit.
PK-- Idk. You've been there for me and I doubt you even read my LJ. Or you do, and you're a douche who ignores EVERYTHING. Thanks for that. But, I just need things to not change for a while. At least, I need us to stay the same.
My Undead, I know. I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know. And I'm not asking. I can't ask those things and I won't. What I can say is, this is how it has to be. If you can't take it, that's fine. But things aren't going to change. Not for a good while, I'm broken and I need to fix this my way.
Toooooooooopher, I've been missing you since before you knew you'd be gone. Idk, what are we? Are we something completely Other? That's fine...I just don't want to hurt you.
Emperor Dictator, don't let me be stupid about a mutual issue. I don't wanna. "I Don't Believe In Love" may as well be my theme song. I am Rab.
God, the dysphoria? It's never been like this. It's all fucking consuming at this point. Bad consuming. Want to kill consuming. My uninhibited rage, let me show you it.
At this point, with my emotions the way they are, I am simultaneously shit terrified of starting T, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE HBSoC SAYS eventually I'll start them, and never starting. I wonder if it would regulate what's going on or make it worse. And the anger? The anger is scary. I was hurting a friend, because...Well, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I've ever been. I'm sorry, PK, you were sort of my crash test dummy. Without meaning to do it, anyway. I didn't know, and that's the truth. My solution? Stop what I was doing. It's easiest.
But, if I'm this strong working out five nights a week, what's T going to do to that? I wonder about the dysphoria and the anger and the rage. And about how interconnected they are. I'm dysphoric because of what I have that I shouldn't. I'm angry because my safe space, my ONLY ONE DAMN IT, is compromised by idiots. Scary idiots. I'm full of rage because people will ALWAYS see what they want to see. ALWAYS.
So, I pass or don't pass based on people's perceptions. Not based on how I'm presenting, just on how they're seeing. Bind, pack, don't bind, don't pack, short of wearing a tux or a dress, I'm fucked. Some people will always see Torrin, others will always see [bio-name.]
I hate [bio-name], have I told you all that before? Yeah. I do. PK knows how I fucked up, and Jewels knows about the dissociation. I don't want to be LauraChrisGabbyEllie. I don't and I won't. I take full responsibility for what I did as [bio-name] but I don't hate myself for it. I hate [bio-name] for it.
There is my ramble rant. I had stuff to say about spiritual shit and empathing and ghosties...But, another time?
somewhere i have never travelled
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
And it occurs to me, while I am wandering in my wonderings early this morning after the scare of the potential death of someone I love...
Will I ever be at peace? I mean, my body, my mind, my heart, my soul, my love, and my fucking life seem at odds near to constantly. Half the time I don't know what I want, the other half I feel guilted into feeling a certain way or other about a situation. I know how I feel, and conversely how I should and or shouldn't feel and it's fascinating how often these collide or are like similar magnetic poles.
You with your confusing ways, you need to stop being who you are to me. It hurts, it's confusing, it's not helping anything at this point. I thought you could go back, transmute into who you used to be...But I forgot the critical missing components. It's like trying to transmute stone into its various forms, only to forget the freezing or the melting or some random mineral fragment that just so happens to hold the whole thing in its precarious package...
I need a vacation. A huge ass nothing going on vacation. I'm giving myself the gift of a guiltless tranquility. Right now, I have to matter most. If I continue to not take care of myself, I'm going to finish burning out, have a break down, snap and kill someone. And, when you have a list and a means to that end...It's bad to have the snap happen.
There are some people I need right now.
Jewels, if you read this, I need to talk to you about some things I would say you specialize in. Not necessarily languages.
Kumquat, darling dearest...I need to talk to you. And, I need to talk to you as my best friend who understands that Shit Is Going On. Lots of Shit.
PK-- Idk. You've been there for me and I doubt you even read my LJ. Or you do, and you're a douche who ignores EVERYTHING. Thanks for that. But, I just need things to not change for a while. At least, I need us to stay the same.
My Undead, I know. I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know. And I'm not asking. I can't ask those things and I won't. What I can say is, this is how it has to be. If you can't take it, that's fine. But things aren't going to change. Not for a good while, I'm broken and I need to fix this my way.
Toooooooooopher, I've been missing you since before you knew you'd be gone. Idk, what are we? Are we something completely Other? That's fine...I just don't want to hurt you.
Emperor Dictator, don't let me be stupid about a mutual issue. I don't wanna. "I Don't Believe In Love" may as well be my theme song. I am Rab.
God, the dysphoria? It's never been like this. It's all fucking consuming at this point. Bad consuming. Want to kill consuming. My uninhibited rage, let me show you it.
At this point, with my emotions the way they are, I am simultaneously shit terrified of starting T, I DON'T CARE WHAT THE HBSoC SAYS eventually I'll start them, and never starting. I wonder if it would regulate what's going on or make it worse. And the anger? The anger is scary. I was hurting a friend, because...Well, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I've ever been. I'm sorry, PK, you were sort of my crash test dummy. Without meaning to do it, anyway. I didn't know, and that's the truth. My solution? Stop what I was doing. It's easiest.
But, if I'm this strong working out five nights a week, what's T going to do to that? I wonder about the dysphoria and the anger and the rage. And about how interconnected they are. I'm dysphoric because of what I have that I shouldn't. I'm angry because my safe space, my ONLY ONE DAMN IT, is compromised by idiots. Scary idiots. I'm full of rage because people will ALWAYS see what they want to see. ALWAYS.
So, I pass or don't pass based on people's perceptions. Not based on how I'm presenting, just on how they're seeing. Bind, pack, don't bind, don't pack, short of wearing a tux or a dress, I'm fucked. Some people will always see Torrin, others will always see [bio-name.]
I hate [bio-name], have I told you all that before? Yeah. I do. PK knows how I fucked up, and Jewels knows about the dissociation. I don't want to be LauraChrisGabbyEllie. I don't and I won't. I take full responsibility for what I did as [bio-name] but I don't hate myself for it. I hate [bio-name] for it.
There is my ramble rant. I had stuff to say about spiritual shit and empathing and ghosties...But, another time?