Steve Watches Next
No, not the shitty MTV dating show, but rather the shitty Nicolas Cage film you didn't realize had come out two years ago. The Fat, Dumb Mick suggested I take notes with a time index, voicing my thoughts and observations about the film. I did, and the results are below the cut. The film wasn't as juicy as I anticipated. It doesn't have the camp bravado of Con Air or the hyperbolic cool of Gone in 60 Seconds. These notes are the highlights. All-in-all, I typed something like three pages of notes, an observation every minute or two, on average. If anyone wants the full notes, let me know, but you're really not missing much.
01:21 Wait, Julianne Moore's in this? What about all the accolades she built up with Children of Men?
01:39 Jessica Biel and Peter Falk, too!? What is this madness!?
02:22 Apparently based on a 'novel story'(?) by Philip K. Dick. I'm calling that we will see flaws in human perception and questions about the nature of reality.
02:45 The first actual shot of the film is Nicolas Cage, sitting in an empty diner, sipping a martini at about ten o'clock in the morning. He's lifted the glass to his lips and I can already tell he's phoning it in. This is going to be chock-full of Goldblum Cage.
03:22 A remix of Elvis' “A Little Less Conversation” over a montage of the Vegas strip? Inspired!
04:03 Is Cage's character really called Frank Cadillac?
05:32 He's walking under the neon canopy in a disheveled velvet tux smoking and drinking another martini. And there's voiceover! I'm excited.
06:27 The gimmick is that Cage can see two minutes into his own future. This will be far more useful than it ever would be in the real world.
09:02 Cage is escaping a casino (for stopping a robbery? This film is retarded), but it's got some nice choreography as he sees the future and moves with it.
10:22 Why did you steal a car, Mr. Cadillac (and not, y'know, a Cadillac)? This will just aggravate your situation!
11:40 This film is getting tricky, showing me things that haven't happened yet. Oooh, you sure know how to pick 'em, Mr. Cage!
12:24 The Russians have lost a nuke and the world is not surprised.
14:20 Frank Cadillac's real name is Chris Johnson. I'm disappointed! I wanted another Cameron Poe or Castor Troy!
18:55 Cage just totally gave himself away to Julianne Moore. He's been hiding his power for how goddamn long and he spills himself to the first damn cop he meets?
19:20 I think we're about to get a soliloquy about how much of a burden Mr. Cadillac's (fuck you, 'Chris Johnson') gift has been.
20:07 Julianne Moore just tried to surprise a guy who can see two minutes into the future. This FBI's dumber than the crew of the Deepstar Six.
21:30 Yay, another martini! I smell a drinking game.
22:17 I know where I've seen this haircut before. Cage stole it from Tom Hanks in The DaVinci Code (which was also furiously awesome).
23:49 I think the sequence we just had where Cage sees all his different attempts to hit on Jessica Biel was supposed to be comic relief. This movie would be over by now if it weren't for all the visions and false starts.
26:10 Okay, part of that comic relief was pretty funny. You win this round, Mr. Cage!
28:51 I blew the soliloquy prediction earlier - it turned into quippy verbal sparring - but this definitely looks like Mr. Cadillac will learn a lesson from the freewheeling girl he just psychically-seduced in the diner.
29:10 Called it!
30:30 Julianne Moore must have a house payment due.
33:54 Biel doesn't believe in destiny, but does believe that anything's possible. THIS FILM IS POORLY WRITTEN!
34:58 Cue onset of sexual tension between Cage and Biel. The sign is the slow piano music and that a minor-minor character just fulfilled her whole narrative purpose by pointing out to Biel that Cage obviously had an awkward boner for their whole car ride through the desert.
35:09 Do these people have a fucking hyena just walking around near their kids!?
35:35 Building sexual tension as Cage does magic for a kid because it's his birthday. This shows Biel what a cool and caring guy Cage is.
36:03 The 'Frank' in 'Frank Cadillac' is short for 'Frankenstein'! WHY IS THIS CHARACTER'S NAME NOT ACTUALLY FRANKENSTEIN CADILLAC!? WASTED OPPORTUNITY, HOLLYWOOD!
36:14 Julianne Moore at the range practicing the key FBI tactic of 'pushing a guy down and then shooting him a bunch'.
36:45 I'm stopping noting the sexual tension arc of Cage and Biel (Introductions, Building Trust, Revelation and/or Misunderstanding, Tribulation, Reunion) because it's so fucking clunky. Biel just fell asleep on Cage's shoulder as he drives through the rain. It's like Harry Caray is sitting next to me, shouting plot points in my ear.
36:59 Points for Biel asking if she drooled in her sleep.
39:34 Fuck you, Nicolas Cage, for fucking up the Zen master hot dog joke! It's an easy goddamn joke and you fucked it up!
41:15 I'm glad that Julianne Moore's FBI superior just specified to a room full of his subordinate agents that his agency is, in fact, the FBI. Sometimes these things get lost in the day-to-day shuffle.
41:45 Hey, and Julianne Moore's a poorly-written ballbuster. Here she is busting balls, ineloquently.
42:25 Who the fuck was that corpse? Just a corpse? A corpse of characterization, so we know the Frenchman is evil? He's popping pills, spying on the FBI, speaking French, and calling the dudes with the stolen nuke, of course he's fucking evil! Also, I am thirsty.
43:12 Oh, so you can quote an obscure Italian painter's theory of beauty word-for-word, Mr. Cage, but you can't not fuck up the Zen master hot dog joke? DOUBLE FUCK YOU, MR. CAGE!
47:14 Julianne Moore is the worst FBI agent ever.
47:55 Actually, this plan to catch Cage might work. It's brutally unconstitutional, but I think we're past that point with this film.
50:34 Does that bad guy have an MP7?
53:46 This movie doesn't agree with itself at all these different points. Also, why is everyone always drinking stuff? I'm thirsty already, you bastards!
60:01 Mr. Cadillac, you don't have to dodge everything with such flairy, dramatic motions.
60:16 This is some History Channel CGI right here.
66:57 In case you were wondering, the characterization corpse is turning out to be a forensic plot point.
73:26 You can really see the Dickian causality-play at work here. The source material and everyone (except Biel) blatantly phoning it in are all this shit has going for it.
78:46 Yes, it was an MP7.
84:24 Julianne Moore's extensive 'pushing a guy down and then shooting him a bunch' training pays off against a woman. Come to think of it, do these terrorists have any sort of motive? We've only got twelve minutes left. I hope it's been Peter Falk all along. We haven't seen him since Julianne Moore's first attempted surprise raid.
87:13 NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARDS! HE DID NOT JUST PREDICT THE WHOLE FUCKING FILM FROM BED WITH BIEL! OH, YOU MISERABLE FUCKS! I furious 1. I should have seen this coming. For shame, Mr. Cage, for shame!
90:04 More voiceover. Will he reiterate the point he made about the future changing when you look at it (Heisenberg?) that he made during the first voiceover?
90:12 Yes, he will.
1I'm leaving this typo, as I think it illustrates how my rage broke my grammar.
01:21 Wait, Julianne Moore's in this? What about all the accolades she built up with Children of Men?
01:39 Jessica Biel and Peter Falk, too!? What is this madness!?
02:22 Apparently based on a 'novel story'(?) by Philip K. Dick. I'm calling that we will see flaws in human perception and questions about the nature of reality.
02:45 The first actual shot of the film is Nicolas Cage, sitting in an empty diner, sipping a martini at about ten o'clock in the morning. He's lifted the glass to his lips and I can already tell he's phoning it in. This is going to be chock-full of Goldblum Cage.
03:22 A remix of Elvis' “A Little Less Conversation” over a montage of the Vegas strip? Inspired!
04:03 Is Cage's character really called Frank Cadillac?
05:32 He's walking under the neon canopy in a disheveled velvet tux smoking and drinking another martini. And there's voiceover! I'm excited.
06:27 The gimmick is that Cage can see two minutes into his own future. This will be far more useful than it ever would be in the real world.
09:02 Cage is escaping a casino (for stopping a robbery? This film is retarded), but it's got some nice choreography as he sees the future and moves with it.
10:22 Why did you steal a car, Mr. Cadillac (and not, y'know, a Cadillac)? This will just aggravate your situation!
11:40 This film is getting tricky, showing me things that haven't happened yet. Oooh, you sure know how to pick 'em, Mr. Cage!
12:24 The Russians have lost a nuke and the world is not surprised.
14:20 Frank Cadillac's real name is Chris Johnson. I'm disappointed! I wanted another Cameron Poe or Castor Troy!
18:55 Cage just totally gave himself away to Julianne Moore. He's been hiding his power for how goddamn long and he spills himself to the first damn cop he meets?
19:20 I think we're about to get a soliloquy about how much of a burden Mr. Cadillac's (fuck you, 'Chris Johnson') gift has been.
20:07 Julianne Moore just tried to surprise a guy who can see two minutes into the future. This FBI's dumber than the crew of the Deepstar Six.
21:30 Yay, another martini! I smell a drinking game.
22:17 I know where I've seen this haircut before. Cage stole it from Tom Hanks in The DaVinci Code (which was also furiously awesome).
23:49 I think the sequence we just had where Cage sees all his different attempts to hit on Jessica Biel was supposed to be comic relief. This movie would be over by now if it weren't for all the visions and false starts.
26:10 Okay, part of that comic relief was pretty funny. You win this round, Mr. Cage!
28:51 I blew the soliloquy prediction earlier - it turned into quippy verbal sparring - but this definitely looks like Mr. Cadillac will learn a lesson from the freewheeling girl he just psychically-seduced in the diner.
29:10 Called it!
30:30 Julianne Moore must have a house payment due.
33:54 Biel doesn't believe in destiny, but does believe that anything's possible. THIS FILM IS POORLY WRITTEN!
34:58 Cue onset of sexual tension between Cage and Biel. The sign is the slow piano music and that a minor-minor character just fulfilled her whole narrative purpose by pointing out to Biel that Cage obviously had an awkward boner for their whole car ride through the desert.
35:09 Do these people have a fucking hyena just walking around near their kids!?
35:35 Building sexual tension as Cage does magic for a kid because it's his birthday. This shows Biel what a cool and caring guy Cage is.
36:03 The 'Frank' in 'Frank Cadillac' is short for 'Frankenstein'! WHY IS THIS CHARACTER'S NAME NOT ACTUALLY FRANKENSTEIN CADILLAC!? WASTED OPPORTUNITY, HOLLYWOOD!
36:14 Julianne Moore at the range practicing the key FBI tactic of 'pushing a guy down and then shooting him a bunch'.
36:45 I'm stopping noting the sexual tension arc of Cage and Biel (Introductions, Building Trust, Revelation and/or Misunderstanding, Tribulation, Reunion) because it's so fucking clunky. Biel just fell asleep on Cage's shoulder as he drives through the rain. It's like Harry Caray is sitting next to me, shouting plot points in my ear.
36:59 Points for Biel asking if she drooled in her sleep.
39:34 Fuck you, Nicolas Cage, for fucking up the Zen master hot dog joke! It's an easy goddamn joke and you fucked it up!
41:15 I'm glad that Julianne Moore's FBI superior just specified to a room full of his subordinate agents that his agency is, in fact, the FBI. Sometimes these things get lost in the day-to-day shuffle.
41:45 Hey, and Julianne Moore's a poorly-written ballbuster. Here she is busting balls, ineloquently.
42:25 Who the fuck was that corpse? Just a corpse? A corpse of characterization, so we know the Frenchman is evil? He's popping pills, spying on the FBI, speaking French, and calling the dudes with the stolen nuke, of course he's fucking evil! Also, I am thirsty.
43:12 Oh, so you can quote an obscure Italian painter's theory of beauty word-for-word, Mr. Cage, but you can't not fuck up the Zen master hot dog joke? DOUBLE FUCK YOU, MR. CAGE!
47:14 Julianne Moore is the worst FBI agent ever.
47:55 Actually, this plan to catch Cage might work. It's brutally unconstitutional, but I think we're past that point with this film.
50:34 Does that bad guy have an MP7?
53:46 This movie doesn't agree with itself at all these different points. Also, why is everyone always drinking stuff? I'm thirsty already, you bastards!
60:01 Mr. Cadillac, you don't have to dodge everything with such flairy, dramatic motions.
60:16 This is some History Channel CGI right here.
66:57 In case you were wondering, the characterization corpse is turning out to be a forensic plot point.
73:26 You can really see the Dickian causality-play at work here. The source material and everyone (except Biel) blatantly phoning it in are all this shit has going for it.
78:46 Yes, it was an MP7.
84:24 Julianne Moore's extensive 'pushing a guy down and then shooting him a bunch' training pays off against a woman. Come to think of it, do these terrorists have any sort of motive? We've only got twelve minutes left. I hope it's been Peter Falk all along. We haven't seen him since Julianne Moore's first attempted surprise raid.
87:13 NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING BASTARDS! HE DID NOT JUST PREDICT THE WHOLE FUCKING FILM FROM BED WITH BIEL! OH, YOU MISERABLE FUCKS! I furious 1. I should have seen this coming. For shame, Mr. Cage, for shame!
90:04 More voiceover. Will he reiterate the point he made about the future changing when you look at it (Heisenberg?) that he made during the first voiceover?
90:12 Yes, he will.
1I'm leaving this typo, as I think it illustrates how my rage broke my grammar.