FIC: Diagnoses
Title: Diagnoses
Rating: PG
Fandom Pairing: HIMYM/House MD/Harold and Kumar supercrossover. Barney/Robin, implied House/Wilson and Lily/Marshall
Word count: ~2000
Spoilers: HIMYM AU Season 4, set some time after HIMYM 4.01 "Do I Know You?" and Harold and Kumar 2, and during House S5-ish. (Phew!)
Summary: Oneshot: Barney admits himself to PPTH with a strange illness.
AN: Reposted from barneyrobin 's drabbleathon that I forgot about before today, I rewrote this crack!fic with 17% more awesome and 53% more... crack.
“Okay,” House said, scribbling some notes on his whiteboard as his team sat around him. “Our patient: 33-year-old male, Caucasian…”
“He likes to wear suits,” piped up Cameron, who had decided to help with this case despite having been kicked off the team.
House slowly closed his eyes to show his disdain for Cameron’s penchant for finding out all this personal information about their patients. “Whatever. He’s come in complaining of insomnia, loss of appetite, heartburn, and… how exactly did he put it?” He checked the chart. “’A rapid decline in awesomeness’…” House’s second condescending “whatever” went unspoken. “Diagnoses?” He turned to his team.
“Maybe it’s lupus,” piped up Thirteen.
House’s face darkened as pointed a finger toward the door. “Out,” he said coldly, and Thirteen slunk out the door. He took some Vicodin to deal with his hourly Thirteen-induced headache. “What other moronic suggestions do you medical ‘geniuses’ have for me?”
“It’s possible that all these symptoms could be side effects of the combination of drugs the patient has taken,” suggested Kutner.
Chase checked the chart while running his fingers through his lustrous blond locks. “All his tox screens came back clean, and there’s no record of him ever having taken drugs,” he said in his Australian drawl.
“Well, except for alcohol,” Cameron said. “And he does have a pretty high alcohol tolerance. He and his best friends are always going to their favorite bar, McLaren’s, for a beer, like, every single night. He loves 50-year-old scotch especially…”
“No one cares,” House snarled, exasperated, about ready to bludgeon something with his cane.
“But guys, I know the patient’s been doing drugs,” Kutner insisted. “My friend and I were on our way to White Castle one night and he hopped in the back of our car while high on ecstasy and started humping the back of my seat, and then another time he picked us up while on ‘shrooms, and he snorted a line of cocaine right in front of us off a stripper’s…”
“That couldn’t have been our patient!” protested Random-Old-Doctor-Whose-Name-Da-Phoenix-Can’t-Be-Expected-To-Know.
Kutner paused. “Oh, you’re right,” he said after a while. “My bad. That was Neil Patrick Harris.”
Foreman examined the board closely. “We don’t have enough information to make a diagnosis. We should run some more tests…”
“Steroids!” announced House, falling back on his favorite patient treatment. “Let’s put him on steroids. That’ll fix him but good.”
“But we’re only fifteen minutes into the episode…” Wilson began in protest.
“STEROIDS!” House barked, and the team scattered to give the dosage.
---
“So, this’ll cure me?” Barney asked doubtfully as Kutner prepared his IV. “Are you sure, Kumar? We’re only fifteen minutes into the episode, you know.”
“Um, my name’s ‘Kutner’,” Kutner corrected, pointing out the name on his lab coat. “And of course I’m sure, NPH!”
“Barney.”
“Right. I’m a doctor! I know what I’m doing.”
“Yeah, well…” Barney scoffed, “I used to be a doctor for pretend, and I know you’re definitely putting that IV in wrong.” Kutner stopped trying to insert the needle in Barney’s foot. Sighing, Barney took the IV himself and stuck it in his own arm correctly.
“Barney, why are we here?” Lily asked, sitting in a chair near his bed with her arms folded. “You know perfectly well that nothing’s physically wrong with you.”
“Um, I beg to differ,” Barney scoffed, grunting as he began to feel the effects of the steroids. “I probably have a tumor in my awesome gland, or my brain, or something. Why else would I be unable to stop thinking about her?”
At the sound of a patient’s personal problems, Cameron bounced into the room. “I was busy doing your bloodwork when I heard you say ‘her’ and I got distracted. I want to hear about the girl!” She curled up on the end of Barney’s hospital bed, wide-eyed and looking ready for a good story, obviously about ready to make some popcorn.
Barney stared at her, blinking twice slowly. “There’s no way I’m going to tell you, when I can’t even tell my best friend about this,” he finally told her - a bit coldly, considering her relative hotness. Cameron looked sad and walked away, back to the boredom of the toxicology room.
“I should call them and let them know we’re here,” Lily fretted. “I mean, I should at least call Marshall and let him know where I am…”
“No!” Barney sat up and pointed a warning finger at Lily. “You can’t tell anyone we're here - if you tell Marshall, he'll ask why we're here and you'll have to say, 'oh, 'cause Barney says he has feelings'--"
"I wouldn't tell him that!" Lily tried to protest, but Barney didn't hear her.
"...and he’ll tell Ted for sure, and Ted’ll get mad and it’ll be last spring all over again, and… and don’t tell Robin, either. So just-“
But Barney never got to finish that sentence, as he had the obligatory commercial-break seizure while Lily screamed and Kumar Kutner snapped into action.
---
“Okay, then,” House said, back in the conference room and scratching his stubbly chin. “So the steroids didn’t help.”
“How could they have helped when we didn’t even know what we were trying to treat?” Foreman asked incredulously. “They’re probably what caused his seizure.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” said House, unconcerned.
The team was quiet as they all pondered the board once more.
“He might have cancer,” Wilson suggested, wanting to break the silence and make some kind of constructive suggestion.
The others nodded in agreement, not having any ideas themselves. “Cancer’s a disease,” Thirteen said, making the most meaningful contribution she could. “And we treat diseases here… sometimes. Or we try.”
Everyone ignored her “philosophizing”.
“Oh, what the hell,” House said. “Go for it, Wilson!”
“Thanks, Greg.” And Wilson dashed off.
---
“Cancer?” Lily cried worriedly a few minutes later as Wilson revealed the team’s second sure-to-be-wrong diagnosis.
“I mean, maybe,” said Wilson, still not sounding entirely convinced himself.
“I have cancer?” Barney repeated. He sighed with relief. “That’s awesome!”
“Barney!” hissed Lily, horrified.
“No, Lily, it’s great that this is only cancer! I mean, can you imagine if I really was in love? My entire way of life would be ruined!”
“Oh, stop it, Barney…”
“RUINED!” he repeated. “This sick feeling I get in my stomach every time I think about Robin HAS to be cancer!” He turned to Wilson, who looked like Barney's words had given him an epiphany. “You can cure cancer, right?” His face was hopeful.
“Umm… sort of,” he replied. “But you probably don't have cancer.”
“What?” said Lily. “But you just said…”
“I changed my mind!” And he dashed off once more to the conference room.
Lily turned to Barney in disgust. “I should have expected this from a hospital in New Jersey.”
---
“For the last time, Thirteen, it is NOT lupus!” House was screaming, throwing a whiteboard marker at her head as Wilson skid to a halt in the conference room.
“It’s true love!” Wilson announced to the room.
“Yeah it is!” House agreed, grinning at Wilson.
“No, I mean…” Wilson picked up the whiteboard marker as he added one final note to Barney’s list of symptoms: “BS U RS”. House muttered, “Oh… patient… right…” as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly.
“B-surs?” Chase read, tilting his head and squinting. “What’s that mean?”
Wilson threw up his hands in exasperation. “It’s BS-union-RS.”
“You’re such a geek, with your math,” House said mockingly. He winked, adding “Call me!” in a flirtatious stage whisper, forming a phone with his thumb and pinky finger and raising it to his mouth. Shockingly, no one noticed this, least of all Wilson, who was too busy trying to save Barney’s life.
“His symptoms started after he slept with his friend Robin,” Wilson explained.
“It’s an STD!” Kutner exclaimed immediately.
“No, it’s SARS!” Cameron hypothesized. “I mean, she’s from Canada, and Toronto had a SARS outbreak… once.”
“How do you know she’s Canadian?” Chase wondered. Cameron coughed awkwardly as she turned bright red.
“Maybe he’s got rabies AND leprosy,” said Random-Old-Doctor-Whose-Name-Da-Phoenix-Can’t-Be-Expected-To-Know. “I mean… just throwing it out there.”
“LUPUS!” Thirteen shrieked. House roared and lunged toward her, ready to finally strangle her.
“What’s going on in here?” came a rather bitchy voice. Cuddy walked into the conference room, glaring at all the doctors assembled; House froze mid-lunge toward Thirteen. “House, aren’t you supposed to be in the clinic?”
“Sorry,” he shrugged. “Big case, you know how it is.” He pulled out his Vicodin and swallowed a few to deal with the biweekly headache of seeing Cuddy. “Can’t be bothered with all the orange morons and hypochondriacs when I’ve got this guy dying of…” He scanned the whiteboard for a random symptom to illustrate the severity of Barney’s case. “…’Awesomeness,’” he read aloud with grim finality.
Cuddy stared at the whiteboard for a few moments before turning back to House. “Oh yeah, a lovestruck patient. This case is going to change the face of medicine as we know it.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm and annoyance.
“I can do without the sarcasm,” House shot back. “I do have feelings, you know.” His face was devoid of emotion as he said it, and he punctuated his line with a cock of his eyebrow.
“Whatever,” she snarled. “Go discharge the patient and get back in the clinic. I’ve got some potential baby-daddies to pick out, so if you’ll excuse me.” And with that, she left. House made an immature face at her retreating back.
---
“What up?” House said snarkily, limping into Barney’s hospital room. “I’m Dr. House, and I’m here to tell you to get out of my face.”
“What?” Lily said, standing up to face House; she barely came up to his chest. “Why?”
House looked Lily up and down. “This the chick?” he asked Barney.
“Wha- no,” Barney said. “This is my friend Lily.”
“Nice to meet you,” Lily said, extending her hand in an attempt at being friendly to this grump of a man. House didn’t take her hand, but studied her carefully, his eyes lingering on her abdomen.
“Parasite,” he announced, breaking gaze with Lily.
“I’ve got a parasite?” Barney repeated, confused. “Is it in my awesome gland?”
“No, I mean she does,” House elaborated, gesturing at Lily. “But don’t worry… in like nine months, it’ll be gone and your body will go back to normal. I’m sure you and your husband will, like many couples, grow to love and accept it as your own, dress it in little clothes, arrange play dates with other parasites...”
“What are you talking about?” Lily asked, perplexed, but House ignored her completely.
“Anyway, Mr.…” He consulted the chart Kutner had filled out for Barney. “Harris…”
“Stinson.”
“…I’m kicking you out of my hospital so I can let someone in who’s actually sick, instead of just lovesick.”
“Lovesick?” Barney repeated in horror. “Oh my God!” He wrung his hands together in fear. “What can I do, Dr. House?” he cried.
“Um… I don’t care,” House said acidly. “Go have some more sex with the girl, or something. Just get the hell out of my hospital.” He swallowed a few more Vicodin. Because he could.
Barney’s face lit up at House’s words. “I like the sound of that,” he said. “I’ve got a disease, and the only prescription is ‘more Scherbatsky’!” He grinned sleazily at the thought of medically-mandated sexual liaisons with Robin.
“Gee,” Lily said, turning to Barney with her hands on her hips, “who could have guessed that you were just in love this whole time?”
Barney rolled his eyes. “Lily…”
“Oh, that’s right,” she said triumphantly. “It was me!”
“Well, got to go,” House said, grabbing his flame-decorated cane. “It’s General Hospital time.” As he limped out, he bumped into a brunette dashing into Barney’s hospital room.
“Robin!” Barney yelped at the sight of her, clutching at the covers. “Don’t look at me; I’m hideous!” Indeed, his hospital gown was nowhere near the sartorial quality of his usual suits.
“Barney,” Robin cried, “why didn’t you tell me you admitted yourself to the hospital?”
“In New Jersey,” Ted repeated in disgust, following Robin with Marshall close behind.
House studied Robin closely, then caught Barney’s eye. “Nice,” he said in an approving stage whisper, and then finally hobbled back to his office, leaving the five friends to exit the hospital together.
Go back to your lives now.