Fic: The Ted Show
Fandom: HIMYM
Pairing: Barney/Robin mention
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1160
Summary: Prompt from kh_mattie in the drabbleathon: The gang slowly begins to realize they are on a sitcom.
AN: I kind of took some liberties with the prompt, which is probably why this story's a complete mess. Roll with it.
For weeks now, Ted had begun to suspect something fishy was going on.
“Guys, there’s something really weird happening to me,” he said in an undertone one night at MacLaren’s, looking over his shoulder, paranoid.
“Don’t worry, Ted,” Barney reassured him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Puberty is something every little girl goes through… it’s just a natural part of becoming a woman.”
Laughter emanated from nowhere.
“See?” Ted hissed, ducking low and looking apprehensively at the ceiling. “Every time one of us does or says something remotely funny, canned laughter comes from the ceiling!”
Marshall and Lily exchanged a smirk before Lily said, “Ted, how many sandwiches have you had today?”
Again, he heard laughter coming from the ceiling, bouncing off the walls, echoing oppressively in his ears.
“Can’t you guys hear that?!” Ted cried, covering his ears with his hands.
Marshall slowly shook his head. “Ted, I know you’ve been under a lot of stress with this Goliath National Bank project… maybe it’s caused you to go a bit loopy.”
“Robin, do you think he’s right? Am I going crazy?” Ted asked her.
But Robin was too busy flipping through something to listen to Ted. “None of this is in the script,” she hissed to Barney, holding a stack of bound white paper in her hand.
“What do you mean, script?!?” Ted shrieked.
None of them seemed too sure of what to say. They looked from Ted to one another, allowing an awkward silence to fall. Barney abruptly broke the silence by randomly blurting, “Legendary!”
“What’s going on here?” Ted shouted unnecessarily over the studio audience’s requisite laughter.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on,” Barney said, adopting his “Ted lecture” voice and becoming stern suddenly. “Now, this might be hard to hear, but you see, Ted, we’re being followed by a crew of hidden cameras and filmed as part of a time-bending sitcom on CBS.”
“A-wha?” Ted asked stupidly.
“Yup,” Barney said solemnly. “You’re a supporting character on Barney and Less-Than-Awesome Friends.”
"That show title sounds kind of familiar," Marshall guffawed.
“I thought Ted was supposed to be the main character in this show,” Robin mused, flipping through her script again. “And the title isn't Barney and Less-Than-Awesome Friends, it's --”
Barney scoffed. “Please. Who’s the one who gets all the Emmy nods?” He gestured to himself.
Ted was floored. “So you all have been in on this the whole time?” he asked.
“Yeah, we’re all professional actors,” Lily explained. “And let me tell you, it’s been tough keeping that from you, since some of us are pretty well-known.”
“That’s the reason why we never let you watch Doogie Howser or Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Barney said.
“Oh, like I’d ever want to watch a show about a kid doctor or a cheerleader who fights vampires,” Ted scoffed.
“Hey!” Barney held up a warning finger. “Don’t dis the Doogie.”
“And she was only a cheerleader for one episode!” Lily said defensively.
“Remember a couple of years ago when there were all these movie posters of Neil riding a unicorn?” Robin reminisced. “We had to take all those out of the theatre just so you wouldn’t see them.”
“Who’s Neil?” Ted asked. He didn’t bother waiting for an answer. “And how have I not known anything about this… reality show I’ve apparently starred in for years?”
“Got me,” Marshall shrugged. “The cameras have been around forever.”
He nodded flirtatiously at camera “A”.
Ted’s brain was about to melt. “So you mean to tell me that all these time jumps we’ve been going through for the past four years - all the flashbacks and flashforwards and alternate realities - haven’t been happening because Barney turned a giant frozen donkey wheel under MacLaren’s?”
“Nah, we lied about that so you'd stop asking weird questions. That’s just part of the show,” Lily said, grinning broadly. “They just use the footage they took of us back in college for flashbacks and things, and edit it back in for episodes.”
“Postproduction is amazing,” Robin said fondly.
Marshall explained, “The cameras’ve been following us for as long as I’ve known you. Did you not see them in our college years, either?”
WHOOSH!
“Whoo, man!” Ted said, walking into the dorm room he shared with Marshall. “That mysterious Dr. X sure had a radical show this afternoon, don’t you think?”
“Oh, I missed that, ‘cause I was busy… having a life,” Marshall said as he played his Sega Genesis. “Sorry I missed your show, buddy.”
Ted guffawed, adjusting his spectacles. “You actually think I’m Dr. X? That’s crazy talk, man.” He spotted the fat sandwich sitting in the ashtray near the second controller. “Ooh, let me have some!”
A camera hidden in their ironic Foghat poster captured the whole scene.
WHOOSH!
“I mean, why else would we have spent our college years smoking sandwiches instead of joints?” Marshall concluded. “FCC regulations, my friend.”
A disembodied older man’s voice said, “You see, kids, that was back in the days before marijuana was legal.”
Ted jumped and looked nervously around for the source of the voice. “There’s the voice again!” he yelped. “Who IS that guy?”
“That’s the actor who plays future you,” Robin said.
“He sounds like the dad on Full House,” Ted said disdainfully. “Are the kids he’s talking to the Olsen twins?”
“Nah, those are your future kids,” Marshall explained.
“My whats?” Ted asked, perking up a bit. “So does that mean I get married some day?”
“That’s the basic idea behind the show,” Barney said a little bitterly.
“I don’t think you’re going to meet her for at least two more seasons, though,” Lily speculated. Ted slumped in his chair a bit.
“So… what? There are just a bunch of network executives and producers and writers in complete control of my life, and I can’t meet the woman of my dreams until they say it’s okay?” Ted asked, resting his forehead on the table.
“They control our lives too,” Robin said.
Ted turned to look at her. “But I'm just an architect, while you’re actors!”
“Yeah,” Robin said, grinning and nodding. “Well, except for Jason here.” She jerked her thumb at Marshall.
The canned laughter sounded once more as Marshall gave Robin the death glare. Ted slid out of his chair and hid under the table in the fetal position, making incoherent sounds under his breath.
“I don’t know why you’re lying and telling Ted he’s the star, when you all just know everyone’s here for me,” Barney said grumpily. His costars rolled their eyes. “I’m the one they keep interviewing, I’m the one they write all the fanfic on, I’m the only guy in the promos on CBS this season. No one cares about Ted and his as-yet uncast mother…”
“Wife,” Lily, Robin, and Marshall corrected him.
“Whatever. They’re all just waiting for when I can finally make my move on Robin. Speaking of which, is it sweeps yet?”
“No,” Robin sighed.
“My brain…” Ted moaned from under the table.
In the production booth, Craig turned to Carter and flashed him an evil grin.
“I think we broke his brain.”
Pairing: Barney/Robin mention
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1160
Summary: Prompt from kh_mattie in the drabbleathon: The gang slowly begins to realize they are on a sitcom.
AN: I kind of took some liberties with the prompt, which is probably why this story's a complete mess. Roll with it.
For weeks now, Ted had begun to suspect something fishy was going on.
“Guys, there’s something really weird happening to me,” he said in an undertone one night at MacLaren’s, looking over his shoulder, paranoid.
“Don’t worry, Ted,” Barney reassured him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Puberty is something every little girl goes through… it’s just a natural part of becoming a woman.”
Laughter emanated from nowhere.
“See?” Ted hissed, ducking low and looking apprehensively at the ceiling. “Every time one of us does or says something remotely funny, canned laughter comes from the ceiling!”
Marshall and Lily exchanged a smirk before Lily said, “Ted, how many sandwiches have you had today?”
Again, he heard laughter coming from the ceiling, bouncing off the walls, echoing oppressively in his ears.
“Can’t you guys hear that?!” Ted cried, covering his ears with his hands.
Marshall slowly shook his head. “Ted, I know you’ve been under a lot of stress with this Goliath National Bank project… maybe it’s caused you to go a bit loopy.”
“Robin, do you think he’s right? Am I going crazy?” Ted asked her.
But Robin was too busy flipping through something to listen to Ted. “None of this is in the script,” she hissed to Barney, holding a stack of bound white paper in her hand.
“What do you mean, script?!?” Ted shrieked.
None of them seemed too sure of what to say. They looked from Ted to one another, allowing an awkward silence to fall. Barney abruptly broke the silence by randomly blurting, “Legendary!”
“What’s going on here?” Ted shouted unnecessarily over the studio audience’s requisite laughter.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on,” Barney said, adopting his “Ted lecture” voice and becoming stern suddenly. “Now, this might be hard to hear, but you see, Ted, we’re being followed by a crew of hidden cameras and filmed as part of a time-bending sitcom on CBS.”
“A-wha?” Ted asked stupidly.
“Yup,” Barney said solemnly. “You’re a supporting character on Barney and Less-Than-Awesome Friends.”
"That show title sounds kind of familiar," Marshall guffawed.
“I thought Ted was supposed to be the main character in this show,” Robin mused, flipping through her script again. “And the title isn't Barney and Less-Than-Awesome Friends, it's --”
Barney scoffed. “Please. Who’s the one who gets all the Emmy nods?” He gestured to himself.
Ted was floored. “So you all have been in on this the whole time?” he asked.
“Yeah, we’re all professional actors,” Lily explained. “And let me tell you, it’s been tough keeping that from you, since some of us are pretty well-known.”
“That’s the reason why we never let you watch Doogie Howser or Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Barney said.
“Oh, like I’d ever want to watch a show about a kid doctor or a cheerleader who fights vampires,” Ted scoffed.
“Hey!” Barney held up a warning finger. “Don’t dis the Doogie.”
“And she was only a cheerleader for one episode!” Lily said defensively.
“Remember a couple of years ago when there were all these movie posters of Neil riding a unicorn?” Robin reminisced. “We had to take all those out of the theatre just so you wouldn’t see them.”
“Who’s Neil?” Ted asked. He didn’t bother waiting for an answer. “And how have I not known anything about this… reality show I’ve apparently starred in for years?”
“Got me,” Marshall shrugged. “The cameras have been around forever.”
He nodded flirtatiously at camera “A”.
Ted’s brain was about to melt. “So you mean to tell me that all these time jumps we’ve been going through for the past four years - all the flashbacks and flashforwards and alternate realities - haven’t been happening because Barney turned a giant frozen donkey wheel under MacLaren’s?”
“Nah, we lied about that so you'd stop asking weird questions. That’s just part of the show,” Lily said, grinning broadly. “They just use the footage they took of us back in college for flashbacks and things, and edit it back in for episodes.”
“Postproduction is amazing,” Robin said fondly.
Marshall explained, “The cameras’ve been following us for as long as I’ve known you. Did you not see them in our college years, either?”
WHOOSH!
“Whoo, man!” Ted said, walking into the dorm room he shared with Marshall. “That mysterious Dr. X sure had a radical show this afternoon, don’t you think?”
“Oh, I missed that, ‘cause I was busy… having a life,” Marshall said as he played his Sega Genesis. “Sorry I missed your show, buddy.”
Ted guffawed, adjusting his spectacles. “You actually think I’m Dr. X? That’s crazy talk, man.” He spotted the fat sandwich sitting in the ashtray near the second controller. “Ooh, let me have some!”
A camera hidden in their ironic Foghat poster captured the whole scene.
WHOOSH!
“I mean, why else would we have spent our college years smoking sandwiches instead of joints?” Marshall concluded. “FCC regulations, my friend.”
A disembodied older man’s voice said, “You see, kids, that was back in the days before marijuana was legal.”
Ted jumped and looked nervously around for the source of the voice. “There’s the voice again!” he yelped. “Who IS that guy?”
“That’s the actor who plays future you,” Robin said.
“He sounds like the dad on Full House,” Ted said disdainfully. “Are the kids he’s talking to the Olsen twins?”
“Nah, those are your future kids,” Marshall explained.
“My whats?” Ted asked, perking up a bit. “So does that mean I get married some day?”
“That’s the basic idea behind the show,” Barney said a little bitterly.
“I don’t think you’re going to meet her for at least two more seasons, though,” Lily speculated. Ted slumped in his chair a bit.
“So… what? There are just a bunch of network executives and producers and writers in complete control of my life, and I can’t meet the woman of my dreams until they say it’s okay?” Ted asked, resting his forehead on the table.
“They control our lives too,” Robin said.
Ted turned to look at her. “But I'm just an architect, while you’re actors!”
“Yeah,” Robin said, grinning and nodding. “Well, except for Jason here.” She jerked her thumb at Marshall.
The canned laughter sounded once more as Marshall gave Robin the death glare. Ted slid out of his chair and hid under the table in the fetal position, making incoherent sounds under his breath.
“I don’t know why you’re lying and telling Ted he’s the star, when you all just know everyone’s here for me,” Barney said grumpily. His costars rolled their eyes. “I’m the one they keep interviewing, I’m the one they write all the fanfic on, I’m the only guy in the promos on CBS this season. No one cares about Ted and his as-yet uncast mother…”
“Wife,” Lily, Robin, and Marshall corrected him.
“Whatever. They’re all just waiting for when I can finally make my move on Robin. Speaking of which, is it sweeps yet?”
“No,” Robin sighed.
“My brain…” Ted moaned from under the table.
In the production booth, Craig turned to Carter and flashed him an evil grin.
“I think we broke his brain.”