Steve (Almost) Watches I Know Who Killed Me
Yes, almost. I didn't even quite make it to the halfway point of this festering, herpetic pustule of a film. Lindsay Lohan plays two girls and a lot of retarded shit happens, so it's a lot like The Parent Trap 2: Horrific Clusterfuck of Awfulness Boogaloo. Highlighted notes below, full deal (for the first fifty minutes) available upon request.
00:36 The 360 Films title is all whiplash and in-your-face and trying to be gritty. A sure sign that the actual film will be a hopeless turd. Also known as Twisted Pictures Syndrome.
01:23 Oh, fuck. The film opens with a reflection of a burlesque marquee in water (SYMBOLISM!) overlaid with some shitty poetry that's trying really hard (to my ear) to be Tom Waits. Here comes Lindsay to strip. I bet $10 that I don't see a lick of nip.
02:05 Was that the first mate from Pirates of the Caribbean? Not the actor, but the actual goddamn character!?
02:34 This is the heaviest red filter I've seen since someone dropped a used maxi in my toilet and didn't flush.
03:08 Close-ups of razor burned armpits + worm's-eye facial shots = sexxxy!
03:15 There is blood on the stripper pole! And it's on her glove! Her RED glove! This film should be taught at Juliard or some shit.
03:43 Lindsay is reading a short story to her class about a girl who disassociates from bad things by imagining them happening to her exact double. This will be one of two awful things. One, a set-up for a backdoor ooooh, it was all her short story! type bullshit, like we saw in Next, or two, proof of some sort of psychological escape. Both of these, individually, suck balls, but if you put them together, as if Lohan's short story character writes a story like Lohan's and hers is highlighted as the escape method, then that is fucking awexxxome. I don't think that will happen, though, since this is a silly Lindsay's-growing-up-y'all! vehicle.
04:13 That...what? What was that? That wasn't a goddamn story. What the fuck was that? You stitched a shitty start to a shitty ending and didn't even have the courtesy to give a shitty middle.
04:53 Lindsay plays piano, too! She's a writer (with Tina Fey glasses, so you know she's intellectual) and she plays piano! She has everything going for her, yay!
05:11 Creepy piano teacher. I wonder if they fawn over him in the commentary. Does this have commentary?
05:45 I never noticed how freckly she is. She's really freckly.
06:08 SHE'S GOING TO YALE ON A WRITING SCHOLARSHIP! DID NO ONE READ THIS FUCKING SCRIPT! IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN MADLIB!
07:02 She's such a dedicated writer! This shit is all gonna wind up being some fucking story she writes to get into Yale.
07:15 I think Lindsay Lohan was pretty cute at one point, but this director seems hellbent on finding all the least flattering angles of her ugliest body parts.
07:56 A rose! Some blood! It's all coming together now! The synergy of symbolism!
08:33 The sheriff looks like Santa. Sheriffs shouldn't look like Santa.
08:53 “Aortic arches”? “Superperennial ganglia”? What the hell kind of biology class is this?
09:29 This...this is awful. It's just awful. I don't know if I can do this.
10:17 The teacher has no idea how to handle giving a class devastating news. Based on the principal's actions, he doesn't, either.
11:24 Even in our shitty horror movies (and this is so goddamn shitty), we're pushing materialism. I know I may be getting off on a tangent, but she lives in this giant goddamn house, drives a convertible Lexus, and wears high fashion. She deserves to be serial killered. Although, so far, he's about as threatening as a shart.
12:04 What an awful film.
12:31 They wouldn't announce “Jennifer Tobin's body was found this week” before the moment of silence at a sodding football game, they'd simply say a moment of silence for Jennifer Tobin.
12:43 There is no way that they were really trying to make a good movie here. This has got to be some sort of elaborate satire. This many people and this much money can't have vanished into something so irredeemably awful. Also, I'm not even fifteen goddamn minutes in and I'm contemplating quitting.
13:15 I may have to recommend this film to you. I don't have the words to convey to you how awful this film is. It is trying so hard, yet failing on every conceivable level. It hasn't given me cancer, though. Yet.
16:04 Yes, yes, go find Aubrey you little pukes, for God knows none of you will accomplish anything without riding her hyperbolic coattails. Also, people in this movie, quit trying to be actors, for to be one, you have to act. I feel sorry for you, though, since the awful people behind this film have cruelly gotten your hopes up.
16:19 By the way, Aubrey's color is blue. Aubrey is Good Lindsay. They've been bluing this film up since the blood on the stripper pole. Bad Linday's color is red. I think they're going to go for subtlety with this later on, but it's just going to be stupid, stupid, stupid.
17:15 Good news, fellahs, Lindsay swallows. I know because our flaccid killer just put some nefarious little pill on the very tippety-tip of her tongue without doing anything to force it down and she still didn't/couldn't spit it out. Also, I am now drinking a screwdriver to cope with watching I Know Who Killed Me.
17:36 If I close my eyes, it sounds like a porno.
19:13 Seriously? A mother tearfully ruing not paying enough attention? I hate this film.
23:07 For the first time, I'm glad a DVD is damaged. It only skipped a little bit, maybe a minute or two, but hopefully, hopefully the disk eventually becomes unreadable. Maybe my DVD player has cottoned on to how awful this piece of shit is and has started trying to save me from finishing it. I'm subjecting myself to this for your laughs, you bastards.
23:13 Those tools (blue, natch) aren't menacing. I doubt they could cut Play-Do. I mean, come on, they're made of plastic.
23:55 Wait a second, was that girl talking about a couple called 'Steve and Vickie'? Let's rewind.
23:25 Shit, she was.
25:57 That might be the most awkward amputated limb in cinema history.
28:07 It's a big reveal! There are two Lindays! I want to quit. I want to quit so bad.
29:48 I've said it before, but this is awful. Watching Lindsay's tough-broad act is much like waking up and watching your own knee surgery.
33:02 It just keeps getting more and more awful and I'm almost out of my drink. I don't know if we have enough booze to survive. Remember me.
33:52 What sick motherfucker voted this a 10 on IMDb!?
38:02 After some more damage, we arrive at a scene I'm actually a little excited to see. Bad Lindsay has had an arm and a leg cut off and now it appears she may go back to stripping! Fingers crossed, boys and girls!
39:21 Oh, and Bad Lindsay's intact; this must be some sort of flashback.
41:04 After three solid minutes of filler and awkward, awful 'stripping', I realize that Bad Lindsay wears her makeup like Cesar Romero. I chuckle.
44:30 Why am I doing this to myself?
46:54 Psychosomatic, dream-induced bleeding? Although the special effects are quite good (in this one instance), I don't know if I can take another hour of this horseshit.
48:39 They just cribbed the Terminator 2 cybernetic arm trick for her ultra-advanced prosthesis, which I'm pretty sure has a plasma cannon in it.
50:43 I'm sorry to all of you, but I'm putting an end to this shit. Next and Poseidon were fun, but this is arduous bullshit. This film is too awful for me to make fun of; it just fills me with ire. This awful, awful film will not consume any more of my time. Don't ever watch it. Please.
00:36 The 360 Films title is all whiplash and in-your-face and trying to be gritty. A sure sign that the actual film will be a hopeless turd. Also known as Twisted Pictures Syndrome.
01:23 Oh, fuck. The film opens with a reflection of a burlesque marquee in water (SYMBOLISM!) overlaid with some shitty poetry that's trying really hard (to my ear) to be Tom Waits. Here comes Lindsay to strip. I bet $10 that I don't see a lick of nip.
02:05 Was that the first mate from Pirates of the Caribbean? Not the actor, but the actual goddamn character!?
02:34 This is the heaviest red filter I've seen since someone dropped a used maxi in my toilet and didn't flush.
03:08 Close-ups of razor burned armpits + worm's-eye facial shots = sexxxy!
03:15 There is blood on the stripper pole! And it's on her glove! Her RED glove! This film should be taught at Juliard or some shit.
03:43 Lindsay is reading a short story to her class about a girl who disassociates from bad things by imagining them happening to her exact double. This will be one of two awful things. One, a set-up for a backdoor ooooh, it was all her short story! type bullshit, like we saw in Next, or two, proof of some sort of psychological escape. Both of these, individually, suck balls, but if you put them together, as if Lohan's short story character writes a story like Lohan's and hers is highlighted as the escape method, then that is fucking awexxxome. I don't think that will happen, though, since this is a silly Lindsay's-growing-up-y'all! vehicle.
04:13 That...what? What was that? That wasn't a goddamn story. What the fuck was that? You stitched a shitty start to a shitty ending and didn't even have the courtesy to give a shitty middle.
04:53 Lindsay plays piano, too! She's a writer (with Tina Fey glasses, so you know she's intellectual) and she plays piano! She has everything going for her, yay!
05:11 Creepy piano teacher. I wonder if they fawn over him in the commentary. Does this have commentary?
05:45 I never noticed how freckly she is. She's really freckly.
06:08 SHE'S GOING TO YALE ON A WRITING SCHOLARSHIP! DID NO ONE READ THIS FUCKING SCRIPT! IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN MADLIB!
07:02 She's such a dedicated writer! This shit is all gonna wind up being some fucking story she writes to get into Yale.
07:15 I think Lindsay Lohan was pretty cute at one point, but this director seems hellbent on finding all the least flattering angles of her ugliest body parts.
07:56 A rose! Some blood! It's all coming together now! The synergy of symbolism!
08:33 The sheriff looks like Santa. Sheriffs shouldn't look like Santa.
08:53 “Aortic arches”? “Superperennial ganglia”? What the hell kind of biology class is this?
09:29 This...this is awful. It's just awful. I don't know if I can do this.
10:17 The teacher has no idea how to handle giving a class devastating news. Based on the principal's actions, he doesn't, either.
11:24 Even in our shitty horror movies (and this is so goddamn shitty), we're pushing materialism. I know I may be getting off on a tangent, but she lives in this giant goddamn house, drives a convertible Lexus, and wears high fashion. She deserves to be serial killered. Although, so far, he's about as threatening as a shart.
12:04 What an awful film.
12:31 They wouldn't announce “Jennifer Tobin's body was found this week” before the moment of silence at a sodding football game, they'd simply say a moment of silence for Jennifer Tobin.
12:43 There is no way that they were really trying to make a good movie here. This has got to be some sort of elaborate satire. This many people and this much money can't have vanished into something so irredeemably awful. Also, I'm not even fifteen goddamn minutes in and I'm contemplating quitting.
13:15 I may have to recommend this film to you. I don't have the words to convey to you how awful this film is. It is trying so hard, yet failing on every conceivable level. It hasn't given me cancer, though. Yet.
16:04 Yes, yes, go find Aubrey you little pukes, for God knows none of you will accomplish anything without riding her hyperbolic coattails. Also, people in this movie, quit trying to be actors, for to be one, you have to act. I feel sorry for you, though, since the awful people behind this film have cruelly gotten your hopes up.
16:19 By the way, Aubrey's color is blue. Aubrey is Good Lindsay. They've been bluing this film up since the blood on the stripper pole. Bad Linday's color is red. I think they're going to go for subtlety with this later on, but it's just going to be stupid, stupid, stupid.
17:15 Good news, fellahs, Lindsay swallows. I know because our flaccid killer just put some nefarious little pill on the very tippety-tip of her tongue without doing anything to force it down and she still didn't/couldn't spit it out. Also, I am now drinking a screwdriver to cope with watching I Know Who Killed Me.
17:36 If I close my eyes, it sounds like a porno.
19:13 Seriously? A mother tearfully ruing not paying enough attention? I hate this film.
23:07 For the first time, I'm glad a DVD is damaged. It only skipped a little bit, maybe a minute or two, but hopefully, hopefully the disk eventually becomes unreadable. Maybe my DVD player has cottoned on to how awful this piece of shit is and has started trying to save me from finishing it. I'm subjecting myself to this for your laughs, you bastards.
23:13 Those tools (blue, natch) aren't menacing. I doubt they could cut Play-Do. I mean, come on, they're made of plastic.
23:55 Wait a second, was that girl talking about a couple called 'Steve and Vickie'? Let's rewind.
23:25 Shit, she was.
25:57 That might be the most awkward amputated limb in cinema history.
28:07 It's a big reveal! There are two Lindays! I want to quit. I want to quit so bad.
29:48 I've said it before, but this is awful. Watching Lindsay's tough-broad act is much like waking up and watching your own knee surgery.
33:02 It just keeps getting more and more awful and I'm almost out of my drink. I don't know if we have enough booze to survive. Remember me.
33:52 What sick motherfucker voted this a 10 on IMDb!?
38:02 After some more damage, we arrive at a scene I'm actually a little excited to see. Bad Lindsay has had an arm and a leg cut off and now it appears she may go back to stripping! Fingers crossed, boys and girls!
39:21 Oh, and Bad Lindsay's intact; this must be some sort of flashback.
41:04 After three solid minutes of filler and awkward, awful 'stripping', I realize that Bad Lindsay wears her makeup like Cesar Romero. I chuckle.
44:30 Why am I doing this to myself?
46:54 Psychosomatic, dream-induced bleeding? Although the special effects are quite good (in this one instance), I don't know if I can take another hour of this horseshit.
48:39 They just cribbed the Terminator 2 cybernetic arm trick for her ultra-advanced prosthesis, which I'm pretty sure has a plasma cannon in it.
50:43 I'm sorry to all of you, but I'm putting an end to this shit. Next and Poseidon were fun, but this is arduous bullshit. This film is too awful for me to make fun of; it just fills me with ire. This awful, awful film will not consume any more of my time. Don't ever watch it. Please.