Steve Watches The Wicker Man
No, not the classic '70s British spookfest, but rather the shitty Nicholas Cage remake. Alok watched this with me, so the notes are behemothic in length and I'm including the whole kit and kaboodle. Enjoy.
00:52 Alok - The music is gonna lead to a big let-down, isn't it? It's serious, like a drama, but you know it's gonna be crap.
01:17 Alok - This movie : Cinema :: Pulling out : Contraception
Steve - I don't know if I'd go that far. Maybe the rhythm method.
01:37 Alok - That waste management truck supplies to the food to this diner.
01:39 Steve - What's the mustache per capita in this town?
Alok - It's like two mustaches per person. You don't want to know how that's possible.
02:02 Alok - It's some kind of hypno-voodoo-burger. I want one of those now.
Steve - That's how they taught these people to act. They're in a hypno-voodoo-burger stupor.
02:05 Steve - I thought it had the word “Cruiser” on a wall with an arrow pointing to our hero, Nicholas 'Frankenstein Cadillac' Cage, but it actually says “Cashier”. I'm disappointed.
Alok - Heh, “Cruiser”....
02:42 Nicholas Cage - Do you know why I stopped you?
Alok - Because you're going to phone in this whole movie? He's gonna phone in it long distance. He's just going to shout every few minutes.
03:14 Alok - That was a sweet grab.
Steve - Credit where credit's due.
03:59 Steve - So far the only women we've seen have been Coma Waitress and this babbling idiot whore.
Alok - Well, she's apologizing because women only learned to drive like a week ago. For Asian women, it's still theoretical.
Steve - Reformers have only just started to challenge the Wicker Man's misogynist regime.
04:14 Steve - That kid looks like a lizard person.
Alok - You know that kid's gonna be trouble. A good backhanded slap would have saved Nicholas Cage an hour and a half of grief.
Steve - And us.
Alok - Robot House!
04:25 Steve - It's like they're all amazed by trucks.
04:52 Steve - That fire's the best acting we've seen so far.
Alok - It was totally fiery, man.
05:34 Alok - What the hell just happened!? And it just started!
Steve - That's life under the rule of the Wicker Man.
Alok - How did he get into character for this role? 'Okay, I'm just gonna shout a couple of words over and over. He's very dark and repetitive.'
Steve - GIVE ME YOUR HAND GIVE ME YOUR HAND GIVE ME YOUR HAND!
Alok - Et cetera.
05:51 Steve - You can tell he's depressed because he's wearing a gray sweater.
Alok - That's a sweatshirt. You can only wear a sweatshirt when you're depressed and pill-popping or when you're a fat chick. A fat chick at camp.
06:26 Alok - She's a vampire! Don't invite her in!
Steve - She's not a vampire; she's a terrible actress.
Alok - She got that dead-behind-the-eyes look; I know the type.
07:07 Steve - I can't tell if Frankenstein Cadillac is treating everyone with such contempt because that's the character or he hates everyone in this film for being in this film.
Alok - It's the awkward acting colony. It's worse than that leper colony.
07:39 Alok - Wow, he really hates being there. It's like the look on his face like he just found a pubic hair in his Bailey's.
Steve - Is it just me, or does Frankenstein Cadillac's head get more and more elaborate as he ages somehow?
Alok - Elaborate?
Steve - Just look.
07:58 Alok - Was that a horse laughing at this bad acting? I heard it in the back.
Steve - I think it was a violinist having a conniption.
Alok - Mr. Ed gives this two clops down.
08:39 Alok - Oh, wow, that penmanship is amazing.
Steve - Nick likes to date chicks from the 1840s. It's his fetish.
Alok - That's got to be rough.
09:11 Alok - Why is he strangely looking for bee products?
Steve - Why is he searching for this place on an organic food wholesale supplier search engine?
Alok - They should have just cut to him looking at porn.
Steve - He doesn't need porn. He's got the photo of the little girl.
Alok - That's gross, Steve. Nicholas Cage is too old to have a child bride.
Steve - But not a child concubine.
Alok - Mmmm...combine....
10:06 Steve - Is he just looking at a picture of a gun?
Alok - Wait, where is it? I don't know where they live.
Steve - Let's just assume it's Hawaii or something. Bees come from Hawaii, right?
10:21 Alok - That's the quote of the movie: “I didn't even know you had a plot!”
Steve - It's brilliant metafiction.
10:30 Alok - Don't you have to be pretty close to, y'know, get engaged and have a child?
Steve - Not with these people. They can't act to that kind of depth.
Alok - They get pregnant out of frustration.
10:50 Steve - Wow, he hates that female cop.
Alok - 'Your character is passing a lot of kidney stones. Okay, go with that!'
Steve - No, it's the misogyny of the Wicker Man coming through.
Alok - We don't know what this Wicker Man is; it could be anything.
Steve - I like to imagine he's some sort of fascist overlord, like in 1984 or something.
Alok - Napoleon?
Steve - Exactly.
11:25 Alok - He does not care. I wonder what his inner monologue is right now. 'God, I'd rather be picking up dry cleaning than be on this set. I need to go pick up new shoelaces.'
11:52 Steve - He's putting on Aqua Velva.
Alok - He's really just going about his normal routine while being on this set.
Steve - So he's going to eat out Lisa Marie Presley now?
Alok - Does that mean take her to a restaurant?
Steve - It can. In Korea.
13:13 Steve - 'Ahoy' is for boats, not planes, Nick.
Alok - This guy cares even less than Nicholas Cage.
Steve - I'd just like to restate that this film is stupid. Also, God bless Nicholas Cage.
14:02 Steve - Point Nicholas Cage for biting sarcasm. He actually seemed to enjoy saying that line.
Alok - That cantankerous old man is going to hit him with a lead pipe. Mark my words.
14:36 Steve - This shot makes me want to vote for Nicholas Cage for president.
Alok - It needs World War One dogfighting zombies, but y'know, I'd settle for a boobie or something.
15:07 Alok - He really did drop him on the beach.
Steve - That's not a beach - that's an elephant graveyard.
Alok - That's a man, baby!
16:11 Steve - He's such a high-handed douchebag.
Alok - 'I'm a cop, you idiot!'
Steve - 'Who is your daddy, and what does he do?'
17:21 Alok - Sister Willow at the mating house? Isn't that an old timey name for a brothel?
Steve - It's those 1840s broads, man. He can't resist.
17:36 Steve - I hope the bag is full of menstrual blood.
Alok - Tampons usually don't move.
Steve - They don't?
17:54 Alok - It's James Caan! 'Let me out!'
18:50 Alok - I think this is just Lilith Fair.
Steve - Whatever it is, can we find out who smashed that girl in the lip? It's more swollen than Michael Jackson's pecker at Chuck E. Cheese.
Alok - Moving on, may he rest in peace.
18:53 Alok - That girl looks like Kathy Bates' brother.
19:32 Steve - I love mead.
Alok - Mead is good. Mead is wise.
20:47 Alok - That's not gonna come back.
Steve - Of course not. Bee allergies never come back. No one ever died from a bee allergy.
Alok - I guess you say, what can make me feel this way...?
21:43 Steve - Calling her out on her bullshit is a great way to start such a conversation, Nick.
Alok - Well, she does write letters with exquisite penmanship.
Steve - What does that have to do with anything?
Alok - I'm just saying.
22:32 Steve - Can you imagine if Nicholas Cage had played Monk?
Alok - Damn.
23:26 Alok - They don't believe in syntax. What is this? It's like Christopher Walken came up with the punctuation for this town.
Steve - Can you imagine if Christopher Walken had played Monk?
Alok - What the hell is with you and Monk? Tony Shalhoub needed work. He'd be on food stamps by now. Why are we debating this?
24:02 Steve - Never before have two people tried to hold hands so awkwardly.
Alok - I've taken my grandma across the street with more panache than that.
25:16 Steve - Those twins are creepy. I bet they shag like minxes.
26:16 Steve - That kid just got bussed!
28:15 Alok - Those cows are acting very cowy.
Steve - As long as Nicholas Cage isn't allergic. The kid from My Girl died of a cow stings 'cause he was allergic.
Alok - Good thing you're not an animalologist, Steve.
30:08 Alok - WHERE'S THE GIRL WHERE'S THE GIRL WHERE'S THE GIRL?
Steve - Et cetera.
Alok - I wonder if that's how he orders food from the drive-thru. NUMBER NINE NUMBER NINE NUMBER NINE!
30:54 Alok - He's not happy about his continental breakfast. He drank all the honey, too.
Steve - There's not enough rum in his muffin.
33:07 Steve - A woman chopping firewood? That just ruined my suspension of disbelief.
Alok - Why don't we just have wormholes if we're gonna have ludicrous things?
33:37 Alok - Shouldn't she be running from Tyrannosaurs?
Steve - That's where she's from! That's been bugging me. How could I forget the child star of Carnosaur 3?
Alok - God damn it, Steve.
33:43 Alok - I just farted, Kev.
33:53 Alok - Don't turn your back on a woman with an axe! Didn't you see The Passion of the Christ!?
Steve - Especially not when you have an axe allergy!
35:19 Alok - Teenage pregnancies are never humorous.
Steve - But always sexy.
35:27 Steve - That was a lot of preggos.
Alok - Leggo my preggo.
35:44 Steve - Nick's gonna bang the shit out of this schoolmarm. Look how 1840s she is!
Alok - Functionally illiterate? Check. Knows how to churn butter? Chizzeck!
35:54 Steve - More sexy twins!
Alok - They're barely ten.
Steve - That's a net age of twenty!
37:03 Alok - Take that, William Blake!
Steve - Yeah, fuck you, Blake!
37:37 Alok - Don't goose-step across the room. It scares the kids.
Steve - With his arm out like that, he looks like a Nazi.
38:55 Steve - Sound it out, Nick. Use your words. Don't just point at the letters.
39:06 Alok - I like where this is going.
Steve - This is a sexy classroom.
Alok - Yeah, sexy time with Nick Cage.
Steve - That show would destroy Letterman in the ratings.
Alok - I'd totally watch that show.
39:57 Steve - That was the best dramatic pause ever committed to the screen.
Alok - This makes me want to choke on a hat or something.
41:40 Steve - The island runneth over with sexy twins.
42:50 Alok - Is she forgetting her lines? Or does she just mumble incoherently due to the sexy charm of Nick Cage? Sexy time!
Steve - It's the sexy. A Hindenburg's worth of sexy.
Alok - Damn, that's a lot of sexy.
Steve - Can't you just feel the heat?
44:56 Alok - Holding hands, yes, better this time.
Steve - He's learning, man.
Alok - He's becoming the character.
45:09 Steve - IT'S YOUR BABY, NICK!
45:46 Steve - Called it! Also, Alok has started playing Vice City on my PSP.
46:30 Steve - I bet these people have special underwear, like Mormons.
Alok - What kind of special underwear do Mormons have?
Steve - Mormons have special underwear, man.
Alok - Is it not-sexy underwear?
47:47 Steve - Jesus, that kid's got problems.
Alok - Kid's demented, good Lord.
Steve - Also, not much of an artist. I give it a C-.
Alok - Apparently, she was drawing with her thighs or something.
Steve - What is it with you and child thighs?
Alok - There's nothing with me a child thighs. Taken out of context, come on....
49:15 Steve - Plane, I want you to blow up. Blow up. Blow up.
Alok - That plane is going to explode from the sheer acting power that has been concentrated on this movie set.
50:21 Steve - Ahahahaha! It's like he wakes up and wants to say 'Hey, guys! Who put this drowned girl here?'
Alok - This is terrible. Do you think this is the first time Nicholas Cage has cradled a drowned girl in his arms? He's like an expert.
50:23 Steve - Oh, it was a double bluff!
Alok - How do you wake up from a dream into another dream? It defies logic, LIKE EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF THIS MOVIE!
Steve - I hope he wakes up again now with, like, a lion he's shot lying at his feet or something.
Alok - That would be Val Kilmer's dream.
Steve - I thought that was playing Batman again?
51:02 Alok - Well, this movie sucks, let me go for a swim.
51:17 Alok - The plane is full of dead hookers.
Steve - Whatever's in it, I just want it to blow up. Blow up, plane. Blow up.
Alok - You can't will something to blow up, unlike Tom Sizemore's personal life! Oooooh!
Steve - Consider yourself zung, Tom Sizemore!
52:36 Steve - Is that an aquarium full of stuffed pheasants?
Alok - Yes.
Steve - Honestly, a less zany answer than I anticipated.
53:29 Alok - I told you this was a leper colony.
Steve - No, they've got that The Others disease, where they're allergic to the sun.
Alok - They've got iwannafiremyagentitis. They'd be better off opening car dealerships.
54:22 Alok - That's a fetus.
Steve - It's a good job you go to all those medical classes.
Alok - I don't think there's really a market for fetus whiskey.
Steve - You mix fetus whiskey and Bloody Mary mix, call it an Afterbirth.
54:42 Steve - Nicholas Cage wants to have sex with all of these fetuses, and they want to have sex with him back.
Alok - God damn it, Steve. This movie has made you lose your mind. Although, there are some sexy bitches in those glass jars
55:50 Alok - It's like he treats her as if she is autistic or something.
Steve - Cop means policeman. Picture means picture. You could show this movie to kindergartners.
56:27 Alok - It's a ceremony. It's a story. Make up your mind lady. You stumble through the script like a blind man in a minefield
Steve - This is stupid.
58:13 Alok - Nicholas Cage has broken into and stopped terrorists on Alcatraz Island, but he can't put some damn logs on a wagon. I hate this movie in the same way I hate racism.
58:28 Steve - I keep expecting Ewoks to jump out and start trashing stuff.
Alok - Mmmmm....Ewok combine
59:16 Alok - Since when did bees start making hives out of concrete, and if they did, why wouldn't Nick be able to see them before he upended one?
Steve - OH GOD! BEES! BEES! RUN FROM THE BEES NICK!
59:34 Alok - I'm glad that his aforementioned bee allergy has not come back to bite him. ZING!
Steve - Me too, dude. But that cow allergy is really going to fuck him.
60:00 Alok - Thank God. An hour in. Also that girl is like some kind of bee tempest.
Steve - VOMIT BEES! VOMIT BEES!
61:24 Alok - This movie would be so much better if it were Jurassic Park.
Steve- BEE RAPTORS! Alright, I'll stop yelling.
63:38 Steve - Now he's just working on different inflections to see how awkward he can make the lines.
Alok - Little known fact, but Cage is actually a pioneer in awkward technologies. He has proprietary software, working with Gary Shandling and Crispin Glover.
Steve - The Wizards of Mumble Park.
63:53 Steve - Nicholas Cage doing his best impression of a Chinaman.
Alok - Holy crap. Spell check didn't flag 'Chinaman'. Racist.
65:15 Alok - That woman is like a white Oprah.
Steve - Yeah, totally. I'd have sex with her.
Alok - Gross. I mean not because she's like Oprah, but that she makes Bea Arthur look good. Rest in peace.
67:51 Alok - I think Nick Cage is trying a little coup. He want's to change this movie into some kind of cop drama from the 40s.
69:57 Alok - The air is thick, thick I tell you, of a classic Nick Cage freak out!
Steve - He is REALLY going to want to know how that doll got burned.
71:43 Alok - His clothes must be absolutely filthy by now. I mean he just jumped into a cemetery sewer.
Steve - He keeps wanting to take a dip.
72:42 Steve - Yep. That's the moon.
Alok - You know what this movie needs? Steve Zahn. I never thought I'd ever say that unless I needed blood marrow or something, but it does. A comic sidekick? Jawesome.
Steve - Imagine if Steve Zahn played Monk.
Alok - I'd like to imagine if you'd shut the hell up about other people than Tony Shalhoub playing Monk.
74:22 Steve - Is it coming up to Bear Suit time?
Alok - All good things to those who wait, Steve. And yes, I think it's coming up soon. That uppity tavern wench needs a good right hook.
74:47 Steve - Here we go, here we go, here we go!
Alok - It's palpable!
74:58 Steve - HOW'D IT GET BURNED!? HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED!? JES!
75:13 Alok - Nicholas Cage is trying to explode her skull with the most intense look ever captured on film.
Steve - That's how I was looking at that shiftless plane earlier.
Alok - Nicholas should just Mad-Lib the rest of his lines.
66:01 Steve - I think that old dude was supposed to be like the blow job bear in The Shining.
Alok - He could have posed as Nick Nolte during a police line-up.
76:24 Alok - I think the next one's going to have a girl blowing ping-pong balls out of her. I mean I just saw a full...good Lord....
Steve - It's like that urban legend about the Hallowe'en haunted house where each room more terrifying than the last and the final room is too terrifying for anyone to see it and not die of sheer fright.
Alok - You're thinking about that episode of Roseanne.
Steve - The one with the nude scene?
Alok shudders.
77:48 Alok - He just robbed a woman of her bike at gunpoint.
Steve - I think this film's just going to get more and more insane until it crescendos in Nicholas Cage singing songs from Fosse.
79:20 Alok - He has lost it with the fucking script. I told you he was ad-libbing.
Steve - Nick's roaming the set with a snifter of moonshine, just rambling, making jokes, and rewriting the script on the fly. Robin Williams is gonna show up any second just because no one else could keep up with Nick's insane tirades.
Alok - Robin Williams is going to show up dressed as a bird of paradise with a dildo strapped to his head.
Steve - You say that like it's not going to be in Patch Adams 2 - Electroshock Boogaloo.
79:49 Steve - Any minute now, he's just gonna flip and throw Piggy off a cliff.
Alok - I HAVE THE CONCH!
80:44 Alok - Sorry, Steve, the plane blew up and you weren't there.
Steve - Fuck! Now I'm gonna throw Piggy off a fucking cliff!
81:36 Alok - Someone's about to get cold-cocked.... 'Hello, I'd like a sandwich. A sandwich made of cold-cocks!' That sounds dirtier than I intended it to be.
Steve - Shit's about to get real. Nick's a hair-trigger from going on a bitch-punching spree.
Alok - Can't win that in a contest.
81:58 Steve - BLAM! Take that, Piggy!
Alok - When did this start turning into Lord of the Flies?
Steve - When you started asking for sandwiches made of cold-cocks.
Alok - Quit bringing that up. That was ages ago.
Steve - I think everyone would bring up a sandwich made of cold-cocks.
Alok - Again!?
82:02 Alok - I think she died. Someone check Piggy's pulse, I think she's dead.
82:44 Steve - The only suit better than the Bear Suit is the Tanuki Suit.
Alok - You know that Bear Suit wasn't a part of it. 'You know what would make this film better? If I was drunk and in a Bear Suit!'
83:15 Alok - Oh, man. Dr. Sattler just got sidekicked into the wall!
Steve - That's Lex, not Dr. Sattler, and Nick Cage just threw Steve Zahn at her?
83:18 Steve - He kicked her so hard she got epilepsy.
Alok - She had a seizure. I don't want to be kicked by him.
83:55 Alok - If women ruled the world, we wouldn't have wars, but we'd have this.
Steve - No, we'd still have wars, but no one would know what the fuck we were fighting about. Because women are like this movie: stupid and sexy.
Alok - God damn it.
84:07 Alok - Yeah!
Steve - Aw, here he comes! He's the Juggernaut, bitch!
84:13 Steve - Is he wearing blackface?
Alok - No, he's not wearing blackface. His head's just in there.
85:11 Alok - Down come the walls of Jericho!
Steve - She's summoning Kong to come eat that little bitch.
Alok - It's true.
85:26 Alok - BAM! Bear punch! You never see it coming!
Steve - She just got her shit rocked Li'l Mac style!
87:00 Steve - Bye-bye, Bear Suit. :'(
89:14 Alok - So many creepos and so little bullets!
Steve - If Nicholas Cage were an Asian stereotype, he'd say her name 'Wirrow'.
90:22 Steve - Oh, and the gun doesn't work, what a surprise!
Alok - Oh, come on! You could have got at least one of them! Turned them into soup!
90:42 Steve - BRING ON THE BEEEEEES!
Alok - God damn it, I told you to stop yelling.
91:28 Steve - Ah! Oh, ho ho ho, ow! A truly uncomfortable moment here....
Alok - Good-bye, kneecap.
92:19 Alok - If I was getting tortured, I don't think I'd describe how I was being tortured. 'Oh, God, they're burning out my fingernails!'
Steve - Well, the bees on have been brought.
Alok - The bees on have been brought?
Steve - You can't end a sentence in a preposition.
92:26 Steve - He's choking on bees! Vomit bees! Vomit bees!
Alok - Fine. Fine. Vomit bees.
92:39 Steve - Those are the worst CGI bees ever. They look like bees from Doom.
93:19 Alok - I hope the Wicker Man falls on them and they all burn. And is that Horatio Sans back in there?
Steve - I don't know; I can't recognize him without Jimmy Fallon breaking character next to him. Looooh, 2002 burn!
94:24 Steve - That's the fattest bee I ever saw.
94:45 Alok - Oooh, look at my fur!
Steve - I'll look at your fur, you sexy twin, you.
Alok - You don't even know if she has a twin, but it's a fair assumption.
Steve - She's wearing a goat mask and all goats look alike; that's science.
95:39 Alok - I hope she lights on fire. I hope she lights on fire right now.
Steve - She probably will, but while you're not looking. Then we're gonna have to throw another tubby pussy off a cliff.
95:51 Alok - Nicholas Cage is in a pickle!
Steve - He's not in a pickle; he's in a giant, flaming man.
Alok - Poh-TAY-to, poh-TAH-to.
96:13 Steve - Fat bee wants some ham.
97:18 Alok - Can we have Will Smith do The Wicker Man music video at the end?
00:52 Alok - The music is gonna lead to a big let-down, isn't it? It's serious, like a drama, but you know it's gonna be crap.
01:17 Alok - This movie : Cinema :: Pulling out : Contraception
Steve - I don't know if I'd go that far. Maybe the rhythm method.
01:37 Alok - That waste management truck supplies to the food to this diner.
01:39 Steve - What's the mustache per capita in this town?
Alok - It's like two mustaches per person. You don't want to know how that's possible.
02:02 Alok - It's some kind of hypno-voodoo-burger. I want one of those now.
Steve - That's how they taught these people to act. They're in a hypno-voodoo-burger stupor.
02:05 Steve - I thought it had the word “Cruiser” on a wall with an arrow pointing to our hero, Nicholas 'Frankenstein Cadillac' Cage, but it actually says “Cashier”. I'm disappointed.
Alok - Heh, “Cruiser”....
02:42 Nicholas Cage - Do you know why I stopped you?
Alok - Because you're going to phone in this whole movie? He's gonna phone in it long distance. He's just going to shout every few minutes.
03:14 Alok - That was a sweet grab.
Steve - Credit where credit's due.
03:59 Steve - So far the only women we've seen have been Coma Waitress and this babbling idiot whore.
Alok - Well, she's apologizing because women only learned to drive like a week ago. For Asian women, it's still theoretical.
Steve - Reformers have only just started to challenge the Wicker Man's misogynist regime.
04:14 Steve - That kid looks like a lizard person.
Alok - You know that kid's gonna be trouble. A good backhanded slap would have saved Nicholas Cage an hour and a half of grief.
Steve - And us.
Alok - Robot House!
04:25 Steve - It's like they're all amazed by trucks.
04:52 Steve - That fire's the best acting we've seen so far.
Alok - It was totally fiery, man.
05:34 Alok - What the hell just happened!? And it just started!
Steve - That's life under the rule of the Wicker Man.
Alok - How did he get into character for this role? 'Okay, I'm just gonna shout a couple of words over and over. He's very dark and repetitive.'
Steve - GIVE ME YOUR HAND GIVE ME YOUR HAND GIVE ME YOUR HAND!
Alok - Et cetera.
05:51 Steve - You can tell he's depressed because he's wearing a gray sweater.
Alok - That's a sweatshirt. You can only wear a sweatshirt when you're depressed and pill-popping or when you're a fat chick. A fat chick at camp.
06:26 Alok - She's a vampire! Don't invite her in!
Steve - She's not a vampire; she's a terrible actress.
Alok - She got that dead-behind-the-eyes look; I know the type.
07:07 Steve - I can't tell if Frankenstein Cadillac is treating everyone with such contempt because that's the character or he hates everyone in this film for being in this film.
Alok - It's the awkward acting colony. It's worse than that leper colony.
07:39 Alok - Wow, he really hates being there. It's like the look on his face like he just found a pubic hair in his Bailey's.
Steve - Is it just me, or does Frankenstein Cadillac's head get more and more elaborate as he ages somehow?
Alok - Elaborate?
Steve - Just look.
07:58 Alok - Was that a horse laughing at this bad acting? I heard it in the back.
Steve - I think it was a violinist having a conniption.
Alok - Mr. Ed gives this two clops down.
08:39 Alok - Oh, wow, that penmanship is amazing.
Steve - Nick likes to date chicks from the 1840s. It's his fetish.
Alok - That's got to be rough.
09:11 Alok - Why is he strangely looking for bee products?
Steve - Why is he searching for this place on an organic food wholesale supplier search engine?
Alok - They should have just cut to him looking at porn.
Steve - He doesn't need porn. He's got the photo of the little girl.
Alok - That's gross, Steve. Nicholas Cage is too old to have a child bride.
Steve - But not a child concubine.
Alok - Mmmm...combine....
10:06 Steve - Is he just looking at a picture of a gun?
Alok - Wait, where is it? I don't know where they live.
Steve - Let's just assume it's Hawaii or something. Bees come from Hawaii, right?
10:21 Alok - That's the quote of the movie: “I didn't even know you had a plot!”
Steve - It's brilliant metafiction.
10:30 Alok - Don't you have to be pretty close to, y'know, get engaged and have a child?
Steve - Not with these people. They can't act to that kind of depth.
Alok - They get pregnant out of frustration.
10:50 Steve - Wow, he hates that female cop.
Alok - 'Your character is passing a lot of kidney stones. Okay, go with that!'
Steve - No, it's the misogyny of the Wicker Man coming through.
Alok - We don't know what this Wicker Man is; it could be anything.
Steve - I like to imagine he's some sort of fascist overlord, like in 1984 or something.
Alok - Napoleon?
Steve - Exactly.
11:25 Alok - He does not care. I wonder what his inner monologue is right now. 'God, I'd rather be picking up dry cleaning than be on this set. I need to go pick up new shoelaces.'
11:52 Steve - He's putting on Aqua Velva.
Alok - He's really just going about his normal routine while being on this set.
Steve - So he's going to eat out Lisa Marie Presley now?
Alok - Does that mean take her to a restaurant?
Steve - It can. In Korea.
13:13 Steve - 'Ahoy' is for boats, not planes, Nick.
Alok - This guy cares even less than Nicholas Cage.
Steve - I'd just like to restate that this film is stupid. Also, God bless Nicholas Cage.
14:02 Steve - Point Nicholas Cage for biting sarcasm. He actually seemed to enjoy saying that line.
Alok - That cantankerous old man is going to hit him with a lead pipe. Mark my words.
14:36 Steve - This shot makes me want to vote for Nicholas Cage for president.
Alok - It needs World War One dogfighting zombies, but y'know, I'd settle for a boobie or something.
15:07 Alok - He really did drop him on the beach.
Steve - That's not a beach - that's an elephant graveyard.
Alok - That's a man, baby!
16:11 Steve - He's such a high-handed douchebag.
Alok - 'I'm a cop, you idiot!'
Steve - 'Who is your daddy, and what does he do?'
17:21 Alok - Sister Willow at the mating house? Isn't that an old timey name for a brothel?
Steve - It's those 1840s broads, man. He can't resist.
17:36 Steve - I hope the bag is full of menstrual blood.
Alok - Tampons usually don't move.
Steve - They don't?
17:54 Alok - It's James Caan! 'Let me out!'
18:50 Alok - I think this is just Lilith Fair.
Steve - Whatever it is, can we find out who smashed that girl in the lip? It's more swollen than Michael Jackson's pecker at Chuck E. Cheese.
Alok - Moving on, may he rest in peace.
18:53 Alok - That girl looks like Kathy Bates' brother.
19:32 Steve - I love mead.
Alok - Mead is good. Mead is wise.
20:47 Alok - That's not gonna come back.
Steve - Of course not. Bee allergies never come back. No one ever died from a bee allergy.
Alok - I guess you say, what can make me feel this way...?
21:43 Steve - Calling her out on her bullshit is a great way to start such a conversation, Nick.
Alok - Well, she does write letters with exquisite penmanship.
Steve - What does that have to do with anything?
Alok - I'm just saying.
22:32 Steve - Can you imagine if Nicholas Cage had played Monk?
Alok - Damn.
23:26 Alok - They don't believe in syntax. What is this? It's like Christopher Walken came up with the punctuation for this town.
Steve - Can you imagine if Christopher Walken had played Monk?
Alok - What the hell is with you and Monk? Tony Shalhoub needed work. He'd be on food stamps by now. Why are we debating this?
24:02 Steve - Never before have two people tried to hold hands so awkwardly.
Alok - I've taken my grandma across the street with more panache than that.
25:16 Steve - Those twins are creepy. I bet they shag like minxes.
26:16 Steve - That kid just got bussed!
28:15 Alok - Those cows are acting very cowy.
Steve - As long as Nicholas Cage isn't allergic. The kid from My Girl died of a cow stings 'cause he was allergic.
Alok - Good thing you're not an animalologist, Steve.
30:08 Alok - WHERE'S THE GIRL WHERE'S THE GIRL WHERE'S THE GIRL?
Steve - Et cetera.
Alok - I wonder if that's how he orders food from the drive-thru. NUMBER NINE NUMBER NINE NUMBER NINE!
30:54 Alok - He's not happy about his continental breakfast. He drank all the honey, too.
Steve - There's not enough rum in his muffin.
33:07 Steve - A woman chopping firewood? That just ruined my suspension of disbelief.
Alok - Why don't we just have wormholes if we're gonna have ludicrous things?
33:37 Alok - Shouldn't she be running from Tyrannosaurs?
Steve - That's where she's from! That's been bugging me. How could I forget the child star of Carnosaur 3?
Alok - God damn it, Steve.
33:43 Alok - I just farted, Kev.
33:53 Alok - Don't turn your back on a woman with an axe! Didn't you see The Passion of the Christ!?
Steve - Especially not when you have an axe allergy!
35:19 Alok - Teenage pregnancies are never humorous.
Steve - But always sexy.
35:27 Steve - That was a lot of preggos.
Alok - Leggo my preggo.
35:44 Steve - Nick's gonna bang the shit out of this schoolmarm. Look how 1840s she is!
Alok - Functionally illiterate? Check. Knows how to churn butter? Chizzeck!
35:54 Steve - More sexy twins!
Alok - They're barely ten.
Steve - That's a net age of twenty!
37:03 Alok - Take that, William Blake!
Steve - Yeah, fuck you, Blake!
37:37 Alok - Don't goose-step across the room. It scares the kids.
Steve - With his arm out like that, he looks like a Nazi.
38:55 Steve - Sound it out, Nick. Use your words. Don't just point at the letters.
39:06 Alok - I like where this is going.
Steve - This is a sexy classroom.
Alok - Yeah, sexy time with Nick Cage.
Steve - That show would destroy Letterman in the ratings.
Alok - I'd totally watch that show.
39:57 Steve - That was the best dramatic pause ever committed to the screen.
Alok - This makes me want to choke on a hat or something.
41:40 Steve - The island runneth over with sexy twins.
42:50 Alok - Is she forgetting her lines? Or does she just mumble incoherently due to the sexy charm of Nick Cage? Sexy time!
Steve - It's the sexy. A Hindenburg's worth of sexy.
Alok - Damn, that's a lot of sexy.
Steve - Can't you just feel the heat?
44:56 Alok - Holding hands, yes, better this time.
Steve - He's learning, man.
Alok - He's becoming the character.
45:09 Steve - IT'S YOUR BABY, NICK!
45:46 Steve - Called it! Also, Alok has started playing Vice City on my PSP.
46:30 Steve - I bet these people have special underwear, like Mormons.
Alok - What kind of special underwear do Mormons have?
Steve - Mormons have special underwear, man.
Alok - Is it not-sexy underwear?
47:47 Steve - Jesus, that kid's got problems.
Alok - Kid's demented, good Lord.
Steve - Also, not much of an artist. I give it a C-.
Alok - Apparently, she was drawing with her thighs or something.
Steve - What is it with you and child thighs?
Alok - There's nothing with me a child thighs. Taken out of context, come on....
49:15 Steve - Plane, I want you to blow up. Blow up. Blow up.
Alok - That plane is going to explode from the sheer acting power that has been concentrated on this movie set.
50:21 Steve - Ahahahaha! It's like he wakes up and wants to say 'Hey, guys! Who put this drowned girl here?'
Alok - This is terrible. Do you think this is the first time Nicholas Cage has cradled a drowned girl in his arms? He's like an expert.
50:23 Steve - Oh, it was a double bluff!
Alok - How do you wake up from a dream into another dream? It defies logic, LIKE EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF THIS MOVIE!
Steve - I hope he wakes up again now with, like, a lion he's shot lying at his feet or something.
Alok - That would be Val Kilmer's dream.
Steve - I thought that was playing Batman again?
51:02 Alok - Well, this movie sucks, let me go for a swim.
51:17 Alok - The plane is full of dead hookers.
Steve - Whatever's in it, I just want it to blow up. Blow up, plane. Blow up.
Alok - You can't will something to blow up, unlike Tom Sizemore's personal life! Oooooh!
Steve - Consider yourself zung, Tom Sizemore!
52:36 Steve - Is that an aquarium full of stuffed pheasants?
Alok - Yes.
Steve - Honestly, a less zany answer than I anticipated.
53:29 Alok - I told you this was a leper colony.
Steve - No, they've got that The Others disease, where they're allergic to the sun.
Alok - They've got iwannafiremyagentitis. They'd be better off opening car dealerships.
54:22 Alok - That's a fetus.
Steve - It's a good job you go to all those medical classes.
Alok - I don't think there's really a market for fetus whiskey.
Steve - You mix fetus whiskey and Bloody Mary mix, call it an Afterbirth.
54:42 Steve - Nicholas Cage wants to have sex with all of these fetuses, and they want to have sex with him back.
Alok - God damn it, Steve. This movie has made you lose your mind. Although, there are some sexy bitches in those glass jars
55:50 Alok - It's like he treats her as if she is autistic or something.
Steve - Cop means policeman. Picture means picture. You could show this movie to kindergartners.
56:27 Alok - It's a ceremony. It's a story. Make up your mind lady. You stumble through the script like a blind man in a minefield
Steve - This is stupid.
58:13 Alok - Nicholas Cage has broken into and stopped terrorists on Alcatraz Island, but he can't put some damn logs on a wagon. I hate this movie in the same way I hate racism.
58:28 Steve - I keep expecting Ewoks to jump out and start trashing stuff.
Alok - Mmmmm....Ewok combine
59:16 Alok - Since when did bees start making hives out of concrete, and if they did, why wouldn't Nick be able to see them before he upended one?
Steve - OH GOD! BEES! BEES! RUN FROM THE BEES NICK!
59:34 Alok - I'm glad that his aforementioned bee allergy has not come back to bite him. ZING!
Steve - Me too, dude. But that cow allergy is really going to fuck him.
60:00 Alok - Thank God. An hour in. Also that girl is like some kind of bee tempest.
Steve - VOMIT BEES! VOMIT BEES!
61:24 Alok - This movie would be so much better if it were Jurassic Park.
Steve- BEE RAPTORS! Alright, I'll stop yelling.
63:38 Steve - Now he's just working on different inflections to see how awkward he can make the lines.
Alok - Little known fact, but Cage is actually a pioneer in awkward technologies. He has proprietary software, working with Gary Shandling and Crispin Glover.
Steve - The Wizards of Mumble Park.
63:53 Steve - Nicholas Cage doing his best impression of a Chinaman.
Alok - Holy crap. Spell check didn't flag 'Chinaman'. Racist.
65:15 Alok - That woman is like a white Oprah.
Steve - Yeah, totally. I'd have sex with her.
Alok - Gross. I mean not because she's like Oprah, but that she makes Bea Arthur look good. Rest in peace.
67:51 Alok - I think Nick Cage is trying a little coup. He want's to change this movie into some kind of cop drama from the 40s.
69:57 Alok - The air is thick, thick I tell you, of a classic Nick Cage freak out!
Steve - He is REALLY going to want to know how that doll got burned.
71:43 Alok - His clothes must be absolutely filthy by now. I mean he just jumped into a cemetery sewer.
Steve - He keeps wanting to take a dip.
72:42 Steve - Yep. That's the moon.
Alok - You know what this movie needs? Steve Zahn. I never thought I'd ever say that unless I needed blood marrow or something, but it does. A comic sidekick? Jawesome.
Steve - Imagine if Steve Zahn played Monk.
Alok - I'd like to imagine if you'd shut the hell up about other people than Tony Shalhoub playing Monk.
74:22 Steve - Is it coming up to Bear Suit time?
Alok - All good things to those who wait, Steve. And yes, I think it's coming up soon. That uppity tavern wench needs a good right hook.
74:47 Steve - Here we go, here we go, here we go!
Alok - It's palpable!
74:58 Steve - HOW'D IT GET BURNED!? HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED!? JES!
75:13 Alok - Nicholas Cage is trying to explode her skull with the most intense look ever captured on film.
Steve - That's how I was looking at that shiftless plane earlier.
Alok - Nicholas should just Mad-Lib the rest of his lines.
66:01 Steve - I think that old dude was supposed to be like the blow job bear in The Shining.
Alok - He could have posed as Nick Nolte during a police line-up.
76:24 Alok - I think the next one's going to have a girl blowing ping-pong balls out of her. I mean I just saw a full...good Lord....
Steve - It's like that urban legend about the Hallowe'en haunted house where each room more terrifying than the last and the final room is too terrifying for anyone to see it and not die of sheer fright.
Alok - You're thinking about that episode of Roseanne.
Steve - The one with the nude scene?
Alok shudders.
77:48 Alok - He just robbed a woman of her bike at gunpoint.
Steve - I think this film's just going to get more and more insane until it crescendos in Nicholas Cage singing songs from Fosse.
79:20 Alok - He has lost it with the fucking script. I told you he was ad-libbing.
Steve - Nick's roaming the set with a snifter of moonshine, just rambling, making jokes, and rewriting the script on the fly. Robin Williams is gonna show up any second just because no one else could keep up with Nick's insane tirades.
Alok - Robin Williams is going to show up dressed as a bird of paradise with a dildo strapped to his head.
Steve - You say that like it's not going to be in Patch Adams 2 - Electroshock Boogaloo.
79:49 Steve - Any minute now, he's just gonna flip and throw Piggy off a cliff.
Alok - I HAVE THE CONCH!
80:44 Alok - Sorry, Steve, the plane blew up and you weren't there.
Steve - Fuck! Now I'm gonna throw Piggy off a fucking cliff!
81:36 Alok - Someone's about to get cold-cocked.... 'Hello, I'd like a sandwich. A sandwich made of cold-cocks!' That sounds dirtier than I intended it to be.
Steve - Shit's about to get real. Nick's a hair-trigger from going on a bitch-punching spree.
Alok - Can't win that in a contest.
81:58 Steve - BLAM! Take that, Piggy!
Alok - When did this start turning into Lord of the Flies?
Steve - When you started asking for sandwiches made of cold-cocks.
Alok - Quit bringing that up. That was ages ago.
Steve - I think everyone would bring up a sandwich made of cold-cocks.
Alok - Again!?
82:02 Alok - I think she died. Someone check Piggy's pulse, I think she's dead.
82:44 Steve - The only suit better than the Bear Suit is the Tanuki Suit.
Alok - You know that Bear Suit wasn't a part of it. 'You know what would make this film better? If I was drunk and in a Bear Suit!'
83:15 Alok - Oh, man. Dr. Sattler just got sidekicked into the wall!
Steve - That's Lex, not Dr. Sattler, and Nick Cage just threw Steve Zahn at her?
83:18 Steve - He kicked her so hard she got epilepsy.
Alok - She had a seizure. I don't want to be kicked by him.
83:55 Alok - If women ruled the world, we wouldn't have wars, but we'd have this.
Steve - No, we'd still have wars, but no one would know what the fuck we were fighting about. Because women are like this movie: stupid and sexy.
Alok - God damn it.
84:07 Alok - Yeah!
Steve - Aw, here he comes! He's the Juggernaut, bitch!
84:13 Steve - Is he wearing blackface?
Alok - No, he's not wearing blackface. His head's just in there.
85:11 Alok - Down come the walls of Jericho!
Steve - She's summoning Kong to come eat that little bitch.
Alok - It's true.
85:26 Alok - BAM! Bear punch! You never see it coming!
Steve - She just got her shit rocked Li'l Mac style!
87:00 Steve - Bye-bye, Bear Suit. :'(
89:14 Alok - So many creepos and so little bullets!
Steve - If Nicholas Cage were an Asian stereotype, he'd say her name 'Wirrow'.
90:22 Steve - Oh, and the gun doesn't work, what a surprise!
Alok - Oh, come on! You could have got at least one of them! Turned them into soup!
90:42 Steve - BRING ON THE BEEEEEES!
Alok - God damn it, I told you to stop yelling.
91:28 Steve - Ah! Oh, ho ho ho, ow! A truly uncomfortable moment here....
Alok - Good-bye, kneecap.
92:19 Alok - If I was getting tortured, I don't think I'd describe how I was being tortured. 'Oh, God, they're burning out my fingernails!'
Steve - Well, the bees on have been brought.
Alok - The bees on have been brought?
Steve - You can't end a sentence in a preposition.
92:26 Steve - He's choking on bees! Vomit bees! Vomit bees!
Alok - Fine. Fine. Vomit bees.
92:39 Steve - Those are the worst CGI bees ever. They look like bees from Doom.
93:19 Alok - I hope the Wicker Man falls on them and they all burn. And is that Horatio Sans back in there?
Steve - I don't know; I can't recognize him without Jimmy Fallon breaking character next to him. Looooh, 2002 burn!
94:24 Steve - That's the fattest bee I ever saw.
94:45 Alok - Oooh, look at my fur!
Steve - I'll look at your fur, you sexy twin, you.
Alok - You don't even know if she has a twin, but it's a fair assumption.
Steve - She's wearing a goat mask and all goats look alike; that's science.
95:39 Alok - I hope she lights on fire. I hope she lights on fire right now.
Steve - She probably will, but while you're not looking. Then we're gonna have to throw another tubby pussy off a cliff.
95:51 Alok - Nicholas Cage is in a pickle!
Steve - He's not in a pickle; he's in a giant, flaming man.
Alok - Poh-TAY-to, poh-TAH-to.
96:13 Steve - Fat bee wants some ham.
97:18 Alok - Can we have Will Smith do The Wicker Man music video at the end?