Steve Watches The Cave
Or, as it is sometimes also known, Oh, Wait, I Was Thinking of The Descent. It's a Cole Hauser vehicle, which should tell you everything you need to know. It has some similarity to Pitch Black, and it's biggest problem is its sheer blandness.
00:39 Thanks for specifying Cold War Romania - 30 years ago. There were some many goddamn Romanias running around back then, and not too many people would have the foresight to specify.
00:58 That's actually a pretty sweet title shot. Also, Cole Hauser!? Awesome! He's the poor man's...well, he's the poor man's Cole Hauser, but still, Cole Hauser.
02:42 Why, at a mountaintop Romanian church, is there a monkey skull tied to a crude cross? Is that the monkey's grave?
03:36 Directed by “Bruce Hunt”. That has to be a fake name.
04:04 Okay, right off the bat: I know this movie is called The Cave, but is it going to be this dark all the time? That's what ruined The Hills Have Eyes 2: The Squeakquel for me.
04:39 Why are all seedy, shady dealers from London now? These couldn't be Belgian mountaineers of questionable morality?
04:48 “CUT TO A SHOT OF THE CRUCIFIX MOVING FROM THE SHOCKWAVE! IT WILL BE AN ELEGANT SYMBOL!” - Bruce Hunt
05:03 Wait, the hastily-rigged pile of explosives detonated in an abandoned building high in the mountains caused some tremors and building collapse? Consider my disbelief unsuspended, filmmakers.
05:49 You never go raiding churches for unspecified reasons during the Cold War in Romania, guys. The Cold War is right at the beginning of CGI Rock Monsoon season in Romania; any decent guidebook should tell you that.
07:29 “Hear that? Running water!” The fact that he is standing in the running water apparently did not occur to him.
07:55 Now the modern day, equally-ill-defined expedition needs cave divers for not-explained reasons. Disbelief resuspended, filmmakers.
08:02 And cue Cole Hauser's badass intro sequence.
08:35 He's taking off his tanks to do this! He's such an awesome renegade! Someone put on some fucking Styx!
10:00 I was wrong. Cole Hauser is the responsible veteran/team leader. Some other dude is the reckless one. I feel cheated and disappointed.
10:48 Stick with an accent, Dr. Nicholai. That vaguely Eastern European one you had was working; let's try that again.
11:41 “STEAL THE TEAM-INTRO HELICOPTER SHOTS FROM PREDATOR! NO ONE WILL NOTICE!” - Bruce Hunt
12:14 The air mixture reader got banged up a bit in transit. A casual, throwaway line of dialog that will not come back to lead to someone's death.
12:43 This movie is overrun with blandly handsome white guys. I'm starting to feel sleepy.
14:46 The cave-divers are like a family. A family that sometimes has sex with each other.
15:57 Respect the cave, Kev.
16:36 That image is not a Knight Templar. In these post-DaVinci Code days, you can't just label things Templar willy-nilly.
16:53 “European legends always have sad endings.” That's as stupid a statement (wait, isn't she the biologist?) as “African legends always involve ducks.”
20:36 I wonder if these fancy cave-imaging devices (Sonar? Radar? Guesswork?) will eventually be used like the motion trackers in Aliens.
22:26 And we have our first cheap scare of the movie: a blind cave rat of some sort running by the scout diver.
24:34 Sending your entire team down a 2.4-mile underwater corridor to rescue one guy is exactly how bad horror movies st-oh....
24:44 She's right. This cave is “totally rockin'” and those “cave drapes” are “sick, dude”. Actually, cave drapes sounds like some sort of horrible vaginal condition.
28:18 Horror movie axiom: Asking “What the hell?” is inviting an encounter with the monster.
30:15 A cave-in blocking the only entrance? That's a twist to make Shyamalan blush.
31:45 Mr. What-the-Hell, who is now dead, was Special Forces, for Chrissakes, Jack! He knew what the hell he was doing!
36:13 For a film featuring caves, diving, monsters, and Cole Hauser, it's not very interesting.
36:48 Oh, fuck! Scorpions!
39:31 Looks like we're getting to the more murdery part of the film.
40:19 “A FEMUR! WITH TEETH MARKS! THEY WILL BESHIT THEMSELVES!” - Bruce Hunt.
40:59 As much shit as I give the director, he's doing a pretty good job considering the shittiness of the script and the difficulties of cave-based filming.
41:44 Oh, right, the cave mapping device was just called a “sonar gun”. It will be used to blind and confuse the monsters, which appear to use sonar.
42:54 And it also picks up the monsters, so the options are still open!
43:18 Okay, Cole Hauser, who survived a creature attack is now most assuredly infected with a parasite they found in the cave biosphere earlier. Someone just mentioned his wound looks infected. Cole Hauser is going to turn into one of the monsters, as have, I imagine, the British neer-do-wells from the Cold War opening. Cole Hauser's brother may have to kill him at the climax. This film derives its horror from atavism and inversion of gender roles. See, I can write horror films.
47:44 The monsters don't appear to have eyes, yet flashlight beams show up in their sonar vision.
54:21 These scene is really drawn out, guys, and it's not as exciting as you think it is.
54:53 One of the beasties has a tattoo and is one of the men from the beginning. Mutation theory confirmed.
57:44 Oh, fuck! Makeshift flamethrowers!
62:57 “AND NOW WE WILL DO THE ROPE-SWINGY BIT FROM JURASSIC PARK! AGAIN, NO ONE WILL NOTICE!” - Bruce Hunt.
63:39 Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaahahahaaaaaa! Oh, shit, that's just fucking ridiculous.
63:44 Oh, man, I gotta, I just, whew. It's a good job she didn't mash her fingers to powder or anything just that, 'cause that would have been unrealistic.
64:34 Survivial tip: Shouting out new information to your friends when you're about to be attacked is a good idea. Clipping yourself to a rockface with no rope or other means of locomotion just makes you a meat piñata.
66:52 They're just figuring out the parasite thing. Cole Hauser has some new freaky contact lenses.
67:45 Survival tip: Splitting up always works. You want to be in as many groups as possible.
70:32 This far are and we're only just killing the black guy? What an enlightened film.
70:48 I think this is the third broken leg so far this film. No one's broken an arm or any ribs.
71:14 Cole Hauser's makeup makes him look like some middle schooler going as The Crow for Hallowe'en.
71:22 Smells like methane? That's farts!
71:44 “BURNING METHANE VENTS! SMOKE! PITS, STALAGMITES, AND STALACTITES! IT WILL EVOKE HELL, YOU SEE!” - Bruce Hunt.
72:59 Giant mouthful of fangs for Cole Hauser in three...two...one...
76:36 Horror film axiom: Someone screaming for help while being dragging into the water/doorway/cave/basement/etc. is almost assuredly gone, no matter how hard you pull. Best case scenario: you get half.
78:26 Those of you with sonar gun money on “confuse and blind”, collect your winnings.
81:00 Cue sexy CPR scene.
81:56 Surprise return of Asian cameraman Alex Kim in five...four...three....
82:04 Okay, so it was eight seconds, not five.
82:52 Back in the Hell chamber. Where's Cole-monster?
83:24 He's not a beastie yet, what the fuck?
83:37 Steam, as far as I know, wouldn't interfere with sonar.
84:11 Hey, is this a noble self-sacrifice from the character-gone-terminal?
84:50 And a red shirt moment from the cameraman.
85:36 It must feel pretty ridiculous, as an actor, to have to use a weapon prop like the sonar gun, which has no actual effect as a prop. You're just (bye, Alex!) waving it around, pretending.
87:13 The monsters have semen for blood, apparently.
88:35 That's some Cyrus the Virus megadeath right there.
88:36 My spellcheck recognizes “megadeath”?
89:33 It comes out right there and none of the animals have accidentally wandered/swam out that way? That's hard to swallow.
91:15 Seriously, guys, setting up for a sequel? For this? Really?
91:23 Yeah, setting up for a sequel. How presumptuous.
92:14 Well, that was a waste.
00:39 Thanks for specifying Cold War Romania - 30 years ago. There were some many goddamn Romanias running around back then, and not too many people would have the foresight to specify.
00:58 That's actually a pretty sweet title shot. Also, Cole Hauser!? Awesome! He's the poor man's...well, he's the poor man's Cole Hauser, but still, Cole Hauser.
02:42 Why, at a mountaintop Romanian church, is there a monkey skull tied to a crude cross? Is that the monkey's grave?
03:36 Directed by “Bruce Hunt”. That has to be a fake name.
04:04 Okay, right off the bat: I know this movie is called The Cave, but is it going to be this dark all the time? That's what ruined The Hills Have Eyes 2: The Squeakquel for me.
04:39 Why are all seedy, shady dealers from London now? These couldn't be Belgian mountaineers of questionable morality?
04:48 “CUT TO A SHOT OF THE CRUCIFIX MOVING FROM THE SHOCKWAVE! IT WILL BE AN ELEGANT SYMBOL!” - Bruce Hunt
05:03 Wait, the hastily-rigged pile of explosives detonated in an abandoned building high in the mountains caused some tremors and building collapse? Consider my disbelief unsuspended, filmmakers.
05:49 You never go raiding churches for unspecified reasons during the Cold War in Romania, guys. The Cold War is right at the beginning of CGI Rock Monsoon season in Romania; any decent guidebook should tell you that.
07:29 “Hear that? Running water!” The fact that he is standing in the running water apparently did not occur to him.
07:55 Now the modern day, equally-ill-defined expedition needs cave divers for not-explained reasons. Disbelief resuspended, filmmakers.
08:02 And cue Cole Hauser's badass intro sequence.
08:35 He's taking off his tanks to do this! He's such an awesome renegade! Someone put on some fucking Styx!
10:00 I was wrong. Cole Hauser is the responsible veteran/team leader. Some other dude is the reckless one. I feel cheated and disappointed.
10:48 Stick with an accent, Dr. Nicholai. That vaguely Eastern European one you had was working; let's try that again.
11:41 “STEAL THE TEAM-INTRO HELICOPTER SHOTS FROM PREDATOR! NO ONE WILL NOTICE!” - Bruce Hunt
12:14 The air mixture reader got banged up a bit in transit. A casual, throwaway line of dialog that will not come back to lead to someone's death.
12:43 This movie is overrun with blandly handsome white guys. I'm starting to feel sleepy.
14:46 The cave-divers are like a family. A family that sometimes has sex with each other.
15:57 Respect the cave, Kev.
16:36 That image is not a Knight Templar. In these post-DaVinci Code days, you can't just label things Templar willy-nilly.
16:53 “European legends always have sad endings.” That's as stupid a statement (wait, isn't she the biologist?) as “African legends always involve ducks.”
20:36 I wonder if these fancy cave-imaging devices (Sonar? Radar? Guesswork?) will eventually be used like the motion trackers in Aliens.
22:26 And we have our first cheap scare of the movie: a blind cave rat of some sort running by the scout diver.
24:34 Sending your entire team down a 2.4-mile underwater corridor to rescue one guy is exactly how bad horror movies st-oh....
24:44 She's right. This cave is “totally rockin'” and those “cave drapes” are “sick, dude”. Actually, cave drapes sounds like some sort of horrible vaginal condition.
28:18 Horror movie axiom: Asking “What the hell?” is inviting an encounter with the monster.
30:15 A cave-in blocking the only entrance? That's a twist to make Shyamalan blush.
31:45 Mr. What-the-Hell, who is now dead, was Special Forces, for Chrissakes, Jack! He knew what the hell he was doing!
36:13 For a film featuring caves, diving, monsters, and Cole Hauser, it's not very interesting.
36:48 Oh, fuck! Scorpions!
39:31 Looks like we're getting to the more murdery part of the film.
40:19 “A FEMUR! WITH TEETH MARKS! THEY WILL BESHIT THEMSELVES!” - Bruce Hunt.
40:59 As much shit as I give the director, he's doing a pretty good job considering the shittiness of the script and the difficulties of cave-based filming.
41:44 Oh, right, the cave mapping device was just called a “sonar gun”. It will be used to blind and confuse the monsters, which appear to use sonar.
42:54 And it also picks up the monsters, so the options are still open!
43:18 Okay, Cole Hauser, who survived a creature attack is now most assuredly infected with a parasite they found in the cave biosphere earlier. Someone just mentioned his wound looks infected. Cole Hauser is going to turn into one of the monsters, as have, I imagine, the British neer-do-wells from the Cold War opening. Cole Hauser's brother may have to kill him at the climax. This film derives its horror from atavism and inversion of gender roles. See, I can write horror films.
47:44 The monsters don't appear to have eyes, yet flashlight beams show up in their sonar vision.
54:21 These scene is really drawn out, guys, and it's not as exciting as you think it is.
54:53 One of the beasties has a tattoo and is one of the men from the beginning. Mutation theory confirmed.
57:44 Oh, fuck! Makeshift flamethrowers!
62:57 “AND NOW WE WILL DO THE ROPE-SWINGY BIT FROM JURASSIC PARK! AGAIN, NO ONE WILL NOTICE!” - Bruce Hunt.
63:39 Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaahahahaaaaaa! Oh, shit, that's just fucking ridiculous.
63:44 Oh, man, I gotta, I just, whew. It's a good job she didn't mash her fingers to powder or anything just that, 'cause that would have been unrealistic.
64:34 Survivial tip: Shouting out new information to your friends when you're about to be attacked is a good idea. Clipping yourself to a rockface with no rope or other means of locomotion just makes you a meat piñata.
66:52 They're just figuring out the parasite thing. Cole Hauser has some new freaky contact lenses.
67:45 Survival tip: Splitting up always works. You want to be in as many groups as possible.
70:32 This far are and we're only just killing the black guy? What an enlightened film.
70:48 I think this is the third broken leg so far this film. No one's broken an arm or any ribs.
71:14 Cole Hauser's makeup makes him look like some middle schooler going as The Crow for Hallowe'en.
71:22 Smells like methane? That's farts!
71:44 “BURNING METHANE VENTS! SMOKE! PITS, STALAGMITES, AND STALACTITES! IT WILL EVOKE HELL, YOU SEE!” - Bruce Hunt.
72:59 Giant mouthful of fangs for Cole Hauser in three...two...one...
76:36 Horror film axiom: Someone screaming for help while being dragging into the water/doorway/cave/basement/etc. is almost assuredly gone, no matter how hard you pull. Best case scenario: you get half.
78:26 Those of you with sonar gun money on “confuse and blind”, collect your winnings.
81:00 Cue sexy CPR scene.
81:56 Surprise return of Asian cameraman Alex Kim in five...four...three....
82:04 Okay, so it was eight seconds, not five.
82:52 Back in the Hell chamber. Where's Cole-monster?
83:24 He's not a beastie yet, what the fuck?
83:37 Steam, as far as I know, wouldn't interfere with sonar.
84:11 Hey, is this a noble self-sacrifice from the character-gone-terminal?
84:50 And a red shirt moment from the cameraman.
85:36 It must feel pretty ridiculous, as an actor, to have to use a weapon prop like the sonar gun, which has no actual effect as a prop. You're just (bye, Alex!) waving it around, pretending.
87:13 The monsters have semen for blood, apparently.
88:35 That's some Cyrus the Virus megadeath right there.
88:36 My spellcheck recognizes “megadeath”?
89:33 It comes out right there and none of the animals have accidentally wandered/swam out that way? That's hard to swallow.
91:15 Seriously, guys, setting up for a sequel? For this? Really?
91:23 Yeah, setting up for a sequel. How presumptuous.
92:14 Well, that was a waste.