Exes...
I have my share. Probably far more than my fair share, but it's my share nonetheless. If, years and years down the line, I can't remember their name, they don't count.
Well, yesterday morning, the first name that comes to mind when I think "ex" wrote me an email out of the blue.
You see, I hadn't talked to L in probably 10 years. Hadn't gotten a letter from her in seven or eight. Then yesterday, almost first thing, there's this message from L in my inbox. She'd hit one of my profiles on some classmates site or other, and was asking if I was me.
Of course I'm me, but maybe not the me she remembers so much as this other guy that grew out of that.
So, just on gut instinct, I told her. I told her everything I'd been wanting to say all these years that just never seemed to come out. I told her about all the major happenings in my life, about all the pitfalls, and then I got back to her and I.
I told her the truth about those two years after we broke up. Maybe not all the bad things I'd done, but at least the end result: The three days locked in my bedroom hallucinating while I detoxed. The six months of AA meetings that I still think was one of the best experiences in my life (even though it left me convinced that though I was addicted to alcohol for a while, a drunk, I am not an alcoholic).
Then I told her that those last few futile months of our relationship were something of a defining moment for me. After I had gotten through all that, after I had started down the road with W and we had had our children. After the seven years of monogamy, and into the experimentation that we went through, those few months turned into the time in my life that tells me the most about who I am today.
I told her how I was never jealous of D (my best friend who turned into her lover). How I acted like it only because that's how I thought I was supposed to act. How the part of it that had really hurt me was the part where she neglected to tell me she wanted to have a relationship with him. I admitted that back then I probably wasn't ready to have a multi-partner relationship.
I told her I had forgiven her for that hurt years ago because I knew we both had a lot of learning to do about ourselves and how we were going to be the best partner we could be. Shit, I laid it all out on the line like I have so seldom done in the past. I put it out there, take it or leave it, this is how I am and I'm happy with it.
And she took it. After all those years, the connection is still there between us. She can say five words that will get me going for five paragraphs. She tracked down and bought my book. We're going to be friends again, and that's something I've really been wanting this whole time I've been in TX.
Then, late last night, when I was reading to K everything I'd written to L, it struck me. Getting all that stuff out into the open honestly really helped me put my current life into perspective. I will always (not so) secretly pine for L, but that's okay. I know there's a very limited set of circumstances where anything more than restoring our friendship would be possible. Those circumstances don't exist now, and I don't really want them to exist.
I want the life I have now. With K. With the boys. With W as my friend and confidant. With all the new friends M has been introducing us to. All of it. This is what I want my life to be right now.
All except for my god damn job.
And that can be fixed.
Well, yesterday morning, the first name that comes to mind when I think "ex" wrote me an email out of the blue.
You see, I hadn't talked to L in probably 10 years. Hadn't gotten a letter from her in seven or eight. Then yesterday, almost first thing, there's this message from L in my inbox. She'd hit one of my profiles on some classmates site or other, and was asking if I was me.
Of course I'm me, but maybe not the me she remembers so much as this other guy that grew out of that.
So, just on gut instinct, I told her. I told her everything I'd been wanting to say all these years that just never seemed to come out. I told her about all the major happenings in my life, about all the pitfalls, and then I got back to her and I.
I told her the truth about those two years after we broke up. Maybe not all the bad things I'd done, but at least the end result: The three days locked in my bedroom hallucinating while I detoxed. The six months of AA meetings that I still think was one of the best experiences in my life (even though it left me convinced that though I was addicted to alcohol for a while, a drunk, I am not an alcoholic).
Then I told her that those last few futile months of our relationship were something of a defining moment for me. After I had gotten through all that, after I had started down the road with W and we had had our children. After the seven years of monogamy, and into the experimentation that we went through, those few months turned into the time in my life that tells me the most about who I am today.
I told her how I was never jealous of D (my best friend who turned into her lover). How I acted like it only because that's how I thought I was supposed to act. How the part of it that had really hurt me was the part where she neglected to tell me she wanted to have a relationship with him. I admitted that back then I probably wasn't ready to have a multi-partner relationship.
I told her I had forgiven her for that hurt years ago because I knew we both had a lot of learning to do about ourselves and how we were going to be the best partner we could be. Shit, I laid it all out on the line like I have so seldom done in the past. I put it out there, take it or leave it, this is how I am and I'm happy with it.
And she took it. After all those years, the connection is still there between us. She can say five words that will get me going for five paragraphs. She tracked down and bought my book. We're going to be friends again, and that's something I've really been wanting this whole time I've been in TX.
Then, late last night, when I was reading to K everything I'd written to L, it struck me. Getting all that stuff out into the open honestly really helped me put my current life into perspective. I will always (not so) secretly pine for L, but that's okay. I know there's a very limited set of circumstances where anything more than restoring our friendship would be possible. Those circumstances don't exist now, and I don't really want them to exist.
I want the life I have now. With K. With the boys. With W as my friend and confidant. With all the new friends M has been introducing us to. All of it. This is what I want my life to be right now.
All except for my god damn job.
And that can be fixed.