There are, apparently, no depths to which I will not sink
Seriously. Look away now.
Over on CA someone asked for suggestions on how Aziraphale and Crowley would go about getting married. Sheesh. They wouldn't, you know. And then afrai poked me with sticks, and the following horror crept into my mind. Couldn't post this before lunch, as I didn't want stellanova to lose her appetite. (Sorry).
(Oh, and oweing to an obscure old-fashioned superstition, angels
are all 6' tall in my delusional world. I know no one else will have heard of this, but apparently, it's impossible for humans to be exactly 6' tall. The only human who was, was of course, Jesus. So I extended this to mean that 6' is the natural height for angels. C'mon, British and Irish people, has anyone else heard of this superstition?)
With This Ring
*Ring, Ring* *Ring, Ring* *Ring, Ring*
*Crash*
"Blast. Infernal machine…..Hello?"
"Aziraphale?"
"Mmm?"
"If you had to put down a date of birth, what would you put down?"
"We don't have dates of birth. We weren't born for one thing, and
there weren't any days or months yet when we were created."
"Yes, but if you had to. Like . . . like on those tax forms you insist on
filling out."
"I leave it blank. No one's ever asked."
"Hmm. All right, height . . . six foot; weight . . ."
"None of your business."
"Heh. Let's see . . . what would you say was the colour of your hair and
eyes?"
"They haven't changed in 6000 years, I'm rather astonished you have
to ask."
"Keep your raiment of the justified on. Have you any medical
problems?"
"Other than the tension headache that's beginning right now? No, of
course not. What are these questions in aid of, Crowley?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing."
"Don't try that innocent tone on me, I know perfectly well you're not
innocent. What exactly are you filling out?"
"Ah. Well. A claim form for expenses."
"And you're filling in my details? You're charging your temptation
expenses to Heaven? Crowley -."
"No, no. Although that's a good idea, thanks for suggesting it."
"Gah! You're impossible!"
"Yeah, I know. No, I'm not swindling your people, just mine as usual."
"Didn't you get into trouble for that before? I'm surprised you'd try
again."
"Ah, but this time I've been reading the fine print. Have you ever
read the fine print on one of our forms, Aziraphale?"
"No, aren't they designed to be never ending?"
"True, but I ran it through a word processor, did a search for
keywords - they never think of things like that, they're all stuck in
the 14th century down there. Anyway, loophole city, Aziraphale.
They're sloppier than people think."
"Loophole . . . city?"
*sigh*
"I found loopholes. Which I am currently exploiting. How much
would you say your shop is worth, if you had to buy it today?"
"I'm not mortgaging my shop to Hell!"
"Nooo, of course not. But I could claim part of the cost back for
you. If you like. If that wouldn't be an intolerable burden which
might allow you to run out and buy more books to stuff onto your
shelves. Aha! All that paper - a fire hazard. I'll claim for your
insurance as well."
"Crowley! Stop! Just stop! Explain to me - as simply as you can - why
you are sending details about me to Hell's bureaucracy?"
"I'm allowed dependants."
"You're allowed . . . dependants."
"Yes. As in, people whose expenses I can claim for."
"How am I a dependant of yours?"
"No need to take that tone. It's very simple. We're married."
*Thump*
"Aziraphale? Aziraphale? Are you still there?"
". . . Yes. I had to sit down. What?"
"Relax. No one will ever check. Have you ever wanted to have
children?"
"Stop laughing! It's not funny! Take my name off that form right now!
We are not married!"
"That's not what this copy of the registry says. It's OK, don't worry
your little head about a thing. Sweetie."
"How dare you find this amusing! I've never heard anything so, so -."
"Adorable? Hey, hey, calm down or you'll have a heart attack. I'll
come round later, after a hard day at the office. I'll expect my
dinner on the table."
"Arrgh!"
"Bye. Darling."
*click*
"Arrrgh!"
Over on CA someone asked for suggestions on how Aziraphale and Crowley would go about getting married. Sheesh. They wouldn't, you know. And then afrai poked me with sticks, and the following horror crept into my mind. Couldn't post this before lunch, as I didn't want stellanova to lose her appetite. (Sorry).
(Oh, and oweing to an obscure old-fashioned superstition, angels
are all 6' tall in my delusional world. I know no one else will have heard of this, but apparently, it's impossible for humans to be exactly 6' tall. The only human who was, was of course, Jesus. So I extended this to mean that 6' is the natural height for angels. C'mon, British and Irish people, has anyone else heard of this superstition?)
With This Ring
*Ring, Ring* *Ring, Ring* *Ring, Ring*
*Crash*
"Blast. Infernal machine…..Hello?"
"Aziraphale?"
"Mmm?"
"If you had to put down a date of birth, what would you put down?"
"We don't have dates of birth. We weren't born for one thing, and
there weren't any days or months yet when we were created."
"Yes, but if you had to. Like . . . like on those tax forms you insist on
filling out."
"I leave it blank. No one's ever asked."
"Hmm. All right, height . . . six foot; weight . . ."
"None of your business."
"Heh. Let's see . . . what would you say was the colour of your hair and
eyes?"
"They haven't changed in 6000 years, I'm rather astonished you have
to ask."
"Keep your raiment of the justified on. Have you any medical
problems?"
"Other than the tension headache that's beginning right now? No, of
course not. What are these questions in aid of, Crowley?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing."
"Don't try that innocent tone on me, I know perfectly well you're not
innocent. What exactly are you filling out?"
"Ah. Well. A claim form for expenses."
"And you're filling in my details? You're charging your temptation
expenses to Heaven? Crowley -."
"No, no. Although that's a good idea, thanks for suggesting it."
"Gah! You're impossible!"
"Yeah, I know. No, I'm not swindling your people, just mine as usual."
"Didn't you get into trouble for that before? I'm surprised you'd try
again."
"Ah, but this time I've been reading the fine print. Have you ever
read the fine print on one of our forms, Aziraphale?"
"No, aren't they designed to be never ending?"
"True, but I ran it through a word processor, did a search for
keywords - they never think of things like that, they're all stuck in
the 14th century down there. Anyway, loophole city, Aziraphale.
They're sloppier than people think."
"Loophole . . . city?"
*sigh*
"I found loopholes. Which I am currently exploiting. How much
would you say your shop is worth, if you had to buy it today?"
"I'm not mortgaging my shop to Hell!"
"Nooo, of course not. But I could claim part of the cost back for
you. If you like. If that wouldn't be an intolerable burden which
might allow you to run out and buy more books to stuff onto your
shelves. Aha! All that paper - a fire hazard. I'll claim for your
insurance as well."
"Crowley! Stop! Just stop! Explain to me - as simply as you can - why
you are sending details about me to Hell's bureaucracy?"
"I'm allowed dependants."
"You're allowed . . . dependants."
"Yes. As in, people whose expenses I can claim for."
"How am I a dependant of yours?"
"No need to take that tone. It's very simple. We're married."
*Thump*
"Aziraphale? Aziraphale? Are you still there?"
". . . Yes. I had to sit down. What?"
"Relax. No one will ever check. Have you ever wanted to have
children?"
"Stop laughing! It's not funny! Take my name off that form right now!
We are not married!"
"That's not what this copy of the registry says. It's OK, don't worry
your little head about a thing. Sweetie."
"How dare you find this amusing! I've never heard anything so, so -."
"Adorable? Hey, hey, calm down or you'll have a heart attack. I'll
come round later, after a hard day at the office. I'll expect my
dinner on the table."
"Arrgh!"
"Bye. Darling."
*click*
"Arrrgh!"