Crumplage
Agh, almost 8 o clock already. I'm too tired for work. Things are fine in my life and yet life takes that as the cue to fall apart around me. I don't know where to rant any more without someone trying to guilt trip me, telling me their life's worse, telling me I'm doing something wrong. the purpose of a "rant" is very rarely to say anything of any importance...but it's a way of making myself healthier. Obviously a lot of the people I talk to don't want me to be healthy. They just want me to feel in as much pain as they do, be dragged down worse and then beat me down with my own selfish attitude.
I try to get free of people. I'm sick of people not trusting me or fucking depending on me. I can't throw them out of my life like 'him' because unlike 'him', I actually care a great deal about the people that make me feel this way. It was the same for Nichola. I wish people would stop assuming I'm perfect and then disappointing themselves and then making myself feel awful when things don't go according to either of our plans. And then shouting or swearing at me like Nic used to do when she was worried about me.
And this entry might get read by some of these people, but right now I don't sodding care. I'm exhausted living up to other people's expectations. I just want to curl up and make half the world go away until it actually accepts who I am and what I do with my life, where people will actually love me without hurting themselves over me. I'm tired of the passionate emotional crap. I had enough of that when Stevie was in my life.
I mean how the hell do I make people feel better? I suck at helping people with their problems unless they're actually co-operative. Even if I'm the problem. I feel like a hypocrite and I hate it. I hate feeling guilty every second of the day for something I haven't yet sorted and people tell me to just stop caring, but I can't, and that's what makes it hurt. And if people don't stop trying to pull me into that gaping black pit I keep walking over, I'm going to go insane.
I miss Emma, and Kate, and Teri, and Sammy and all you people I used to know or still know now that I didn't feel on edge with. I was worried I didn't have the time because I was lazy, but it's because everyone depends on everybody else and it buggers up...so I started work late and couldn't finish all my uni preparations. I'm tired of disappointing people. I should just stop making promises altogether.
Meh, at least Mum just cheered me up. She's giving me a lift in to work. Agh, I just want to run away.
I try to get free of people. I'm sick of people not trusting me or fucking depending on me. I can't throw them out of my life like 'him' because unlike 'him', I actually care a great deal about the people that make me feel this way. It was the same for Nichola. I wish people would stop assuming I'm perfect and then disappointing themselves and then making myself feel awful when things don't go according to either of our plans. And then shouting or swearing at me like Nic used to do when she was worried about me.
And this entry might get read by some of these people, but right now I don't sodding care. I'm exhausted living up to other people's expectations. I just want to curl up and make half the world go away until it actually accepts who I am and what I do with my life, where people will actually love me without hurting themselves over me. I'm tired of the passionate emotional crap. I had enough of that when Stevie was in my life.
I mean how the hell do I make people feel better? I suck at helping people with their problems unless they're actually co-operative. Even if I'm the problem. I feel like a hypocrite and I hate it. I hate feeling guilty every second of the day for something I haven't yet sorted and people tell me to just stop caring, but I can't, and that's what makes it hurt. And if people don't stop trying to pull me into that gaping black pit I keep walking over, I'm going to go insane.
I miss Emma, and Kate, and Teri, and Sammy and all you people I used to know or still know now that I didn't feel on edge with. I was worried I didn't have the time because I was lazy, but it's because everyone depends on everybody else and it buggers up...so I started work late and couldn't finish all my uni preparations. I'm tired of disappointing people. I should just stop making promises altogether.
Meh, at least Mum just cheered me up. She's giving me a lift in to work. Agh, I just want to run away.