I'm doing better lately. Less blah and sad. Some days I just want to curl up next to someone as I fall asleep. I want to cuddle with someone on the couch. I miss that human contact. I'm very touch dependent, I guess. Touch is one of the few things that tone down my nerves and calm my senses. It's like a restart button for me. I just wish I had that

So far I like my job and it is certainly helping to distract me but every night I still think about him. I struggle to fall asleep as my mind races. As I try to fall asleep I hope that he will just text me or call me. I'm not delusional, I know that even if he calls we won't get back together. I just want him to say it is over. I want him to say "I ( Read more... )

I wish that someone would realize how much I am hurting and struggling. I'm not depressed overall. I think the more accurate description would be grieving. I'm grieving the loss of my relationship. My relationship with Tim was the first time in years that I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. It hurts so much every day. I've spent months ( Read more... )

I feel like I'm on the brink of spiraling out of control. I feel like my grip on my goals in life is slipping away. I can feel myself being drawn to do things I don't want to do. I want so desperately to escape from everything that I'm having dark thoughts. I need to get out of here. I need to escape. I need to flee but I have nowhere to go and ( Read more... )

What do you do when you realize that you aren't the person you thought you were or the person you want to be? What do you do when you begin to realize that maybe you will never be either of those people? How can you resign yourself to being someone sub-par? I don't know the answers to these questions but I feel like I should figure them out. That ( Read more... )

I'm having a bad weekend. I made a vow last weekend to stay away from alcohol for a while but I drank on Friday. While drinking I was told by one friend that another friend who has gone through something very upsetting in the past year doesn't like it when people tell her their problems because their problems are not important compared to hers. The ( Read more... )

I am losing my mind. My mother is driving me nuts. Today I have gone from pissed to depressed to pissed to depressed and wishing I had never been born to ok to pissed and now back to depressed. Yup, that is normal and healthy. I can't win, I can't win at all. Ugh. I don't know what to do. I am in Al Anon and I am going to the meetings. I am reading ( Read more... )

I can't even express my mood right now. I am so angry at life and everyone in my damn life. I hate being stuck home with my mother. I absolutely hate living with her. Its harsh but I am really do hate almost everything about her. Even though she is my mother I spend almost every day wishing I never had to see her again. I know that once I wasn't ( Read more... )

I've created a new journal. This one gets used for depressing things too often. Even its name is depressing. I'm going to be going through and deleting the depressing entries from this journal but I am not going to be posting anything publicly in this journal again. My new journal is azshadia so feel free to add me to your friends.

Its been bothering me for a while that I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year. I know that is a stupid thing to be ridiculously bothered by. I'm getting over it for the moment. Last night I spent a long time listing all the traits of my perfect guy. Now I know that no one is perfect. Perfection is just too dang hard to accomplish but the exercise ( Read more... )