Never Again
Never Again
Pair: Jongdae and Joonmyun
Notes: very brief mention of one night stand. Angst? Is this even angst?!?!?! Unbeta-ed
It was at the infancy stage or perhaps it was beyond than that stage when somewhere in the corner in his feeble heart gradually had felt this affliction that resulted in sleepless nights and thoughts that left him in all sixes and sevens.
All he ever wanted was a place that he can called theirs so that their wandering hearts could stop there hence not to worry about themselves on being lost again. He knewhis thought of his was an incredulous wishful thought because they have drifted apart; so apart that both of them could not reached out to each others’ words and genuine feelings.
Ashes burned on Jongdae’s tongue when his gaze fell on the picture that was framed on the corner of his study desk along with his back leaned against the headboard of his bed.
Countless indecipherable thoughts were running through his head again at the thought of Joonmyun it was on particular scene of when he unconsciously touched Joonmyun’s shoulders in hope to convey his distressed emotions for the man to understand him but all he received was Joonmyun jerking his body away, further from Jongdae.
“Joonmyun, please, don’t just throw this away---” I worked hard to make you fall in love with me again and again.
You said you will try.
“Jongdae, I need time to think about us because clearly things are not over for me and Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun breathed heavily. He is still not over him, what should I do?
Will I really be alright as long as I persist?
“But last night? What does last night meant to you?” He knew this is a wrong move to ask-- he knew he would fall deeper into his own dolor and he shall repeat the same nights of weeping over Joonmyun.
He raked his auburn hair in such frustration that he hoped and prayed again tonight (like any other night) that his feelings for Joonmyun could be erased with a stroke of an eraser that is so simple and full of ease that his love for the man just disappear into the thin air and forgotten like it did not matter anymore.
But still he woke up the next morning still hoping that one day or even today, Joonmyun will say ‘I love you’ to Jongdae with his sincere smile that he always gave to Kyungsoo whenever he reached the cloud seven.
He curled up against his sheet.
Not wanting to go through the unadulterated ache that manifested his decrepit heart.
Maybe Baekhyun was right, he should avoid everything that is connected in Joonmyun in any possible ways or manners because day by day the soul within Jongdae bit by bit being depleted as it was being consumed by the time of his grief on Joonmyun being unable to forget about Kyungsoo or even at least tried to work hard on forgetting the latter. It was a hardship.
Jongdae had given his everything for Joonmyun but Joonmyun did nothing to acknowledge Jongdae’s solid effort to make the older man forget about Kyungsoo and suck him out of his dark misery abyss.
Maybe Jongdae’s heart was filled with greed and always insatiable for Joonmyun’s love and touch.
Unlike every evening, Jongdae would have been waiting for Joonmyun in front of his lecture hall so he could at least spend some time with the older boy because Joonmyun’s classes always end in the evening so does Jongdae’s but today, he begged to differ again.
He had been counting the days ( 20 days, “it is quiet an achievement” Baekhyun noted) ever since he decided to leave Joonmyun be and stayed out of the latter’s sight for good, not wanting to be in the same radius as the latter could be standing even he knew, it might sounded like a teenage girl hiding form her crush but he supposed it was the best for them.
Joonmyun could stop worrying about Jongdae’s persistence on making moves on him.
Jongdae could stop and tend his bleeding heart with golden stitches that might hold his heart together even if he has to spend sleepless nights still.
Benson and Hedge’s stick was lazily sitting between his lips not bothering to inhale the carcinogen substances as he trailed the words in his Organic Chemistry textbook in succession to forget anything pertaining Joonmyun using the excuse of getting 4-flat on his CGPA as an excuse.
He heard the door knob of the rooftop’s door being twisted roughly like it had no grace-- well-- you can expect that from Baekhyun.
Jongdae was so certain that the boy that is always in mirth had came to bother him in his new found sanctuary which successfully (lies) replaced the spot he had once loved hanging out with Joonmyun in that coffee shop he used to frequent.
“What kind of help do you need?” He asked the man without even glancing up from his textbook, taking in the process of alkylation into his brain.
“Joonmyun is running around the campus to look for you and if you are planning to avoid him still, I would you suggest you to leave the fucking campus now if your heart is not strong enough to--”
“Jongdae!”
“Fuck, too late--”
The cigarette between Jongdae’s lips dropped onto the cement-floor along with his heart like the gravity had pulled it out without giving out notice to Jongdae in this quietude. He hated this-- Hated-- Hated this.
He hated how Joonmyun had this imperial power inside of him to make Jongdae’s heart plummet in mere seconds by just standing there near the door frame, looking at him in disheveled hair even his spectackles drooped to the bridge of his nose.
“Urh.. Baekhyun- I would be please if you can leave us alone now?” Joonmyun used his imperative tone like it was the appropriate kind at this moment, he too used his pleading eyes at Baekhyun.
“No-” Jongdae quickly grabbed Baekhyun’s hand into his own.
It is too early for this, he is not strong enough. He needed his rock who is no other than Baekhyun despite his own best friend could be the bane of his existence.
“Please Jongdae, You and me need to talk,” Joonmyun said in such imploration making like the talk he wanted with Jongdae was the essential thing in his life.
Baekhyun squeezed Jongdae’s hand in solicitude, giving him a small smile followed by the nod of his head. He mouthed ‘good luck’ almost quickly for Jongdae to catch.
“I will be at the dorm if you need me,” He let go of Jongdae’s hand making Jongdae reached out for that comforting hand for a split second but he knew Baekhyun always wished the best for him despite his peskiness on him, maybe this could be the best?
The door made a faint slam sound when Baekhyun closed it shut hence leaving Jongdae perched on the bench. Joonmyun took few strides until his back reached the railing of the rooftop, standing in front of Jongdae with tentative gaze.
“So?” Jongdae started dropping his eyes to the cement not even dared to look at Joonmyun in the eys because he knew how hopeless he is in this relationship (could it be called relationship?).
“If I said I’d love you one day, will that make you happy?”
Joonmyun’s said those words smoothly almost making Jongdae broke his neck when he snapped the muscles of his neck to look at Jongdae with fazed eyes.
“I don’t want this anymore Joonmyun-- I don’t want your-- Your---” Fuck, he should not be crying over Joonmyun again, he was so determined he was not going to cry over some guy named Kim Joonmyun--
“Our hearts have been wondering, especially mine-- You have been waiting for me, I knew that but I always try to ignore the hand you reached out for me because I am a coward Jongdae and I am still much in pain because it is hard for me to start new but if you promise me-- to stay by my side--” He sounded fragile for once and Jongdae wondered if this is real or not.
“I might-- Just might-- No-- I will love you one day and it might be sooner or later but you just need to stay by my side because I need no one more than you now-- Just try to stay by my side?”
“How long? How long can I go on with this without having-- having to doubt everything about us? You forged me into thinking that I-- I wouldn’t have a chance with you Joonmyun and that night that-- That we open up and-- It was just a night to fuck someone for you right?” Jongdae’s heart bleed open again and he wished he did not even know who Joonmyun is.
“Jongdae--”
“Fuck you Joonmyun,” Jongdae gritted under his breath.
“Seriously fuck you,” Tears brimming his eyes. not again not again-- not not not again.
If Joonmyun was the one who left Jongdae to drown in his own tears-- this time fucking no more-- He would be the one to pave himself out of Joonmyun’s path.
Never again he would weep for Joonmyun.
Pair: Jongdae and Joonmyun
Notes: very brief mention of one night stand. Angst? Is this even angst?!?!?! Unbeta-ed
It was at the infancy stage or perhaps it was beyond than that stage when somewhere in the corner in his feeble heart gradually had felt this affliction that resulted in sleepless nights and thoughts that left him in all sixes and sevens.
All he ever wanted was a place that he can called theirs so that their wandering hearts could stop there hence not to worry about themselves on being lost again. He knewhis thought of his was an incredulous wishful thought because they have drifted apart; so apart that both of them could not reached out to each others’ words and genuine feelings.
Ashes burned on Jongdae’s tongue when his gaze fell on the picture that was framed on the corner of his study desk along with his back leaned against the headboard of his bed.
Countless indecipherable thoughts were running through his head again at the thought of Joonmyun it was on particular scene of when he unconsciously touched Joonmyun’s shoulders in hope to convey his distressed emotions for the man to understand him but all he received was Joonmyun jerking his body away, further from Jongdae.
“Joonmyun, please, don’t just throw this away---” I worked hard to make you fall in love with me again and again.
You said you will try.
“Jongdae, I need time to think about us because clearly things are not over for me and Kyungsoo,” Joonmyun breathed heavily. He is still not over him, what should I do?
Will I really be alright as long as I persist?
“But last night? What does last night meant to you?” He knew this is a wrong move to ask-- he knew he would fall deeper into his own dolor and he shall repeat the same nights of weeping over Joonmyun.
He raked his auburn hair in such frustration that he hoped and prayed again tonight (like any other night) that his feelings for Joonmyun could be erased with a stroke of an eraser that is so simple and full of ease that his love for the man just disappear into the thin air and forgotten like it did not matter anymore.
But still he woke up the next morning still hoping that one day or even today, Joonmyun will say ‘I love you’ to Jongdae with his sincere smile that he always gave to Kyungsoo whenever he reached the cloud seven.
He curled up against his sheet.
Not wanting to go through the unadulterated ache that manifested his decrepit heart.
Maybe Baekhyun was right, he should avoid everything that is connected in Joonmyun in any possible ways or manners because day by day the soul within Jongdae bit by bit being depleted as it was being consumed by the time of his grief on Joonmyun being unable to forget about Kyungsoo or even at least tried to work hard on forgetting the latter. It was a hardship.
Jongdae had given his everything for Joonmyun but Joonmyun did nothing to acknowledge Jongdae’s solid effort to make the older man forget about Kyungsoo and suck him out of his dark misery abyss.
Maybe Jongdae’s heart was filled with greed and always insatiable for Joonmyun’s love and touch.
Unlike every evening, Jongdae would have been waiting for Joonmyun in front of his lecture hall so he could at least spend some time with the older boy because Joonmyun’s classes always end in the evening so does Jongdae’s but today, he begged to differ again.
He had been counting the days ( 20 days, “it is quiet an achievement” Baekhyun noted) ever since he decided to leave Joonmyun be and stayed out of the latter’s sight for good, not wanting to be in the same radius as the latter could be standing even he knew, it might sounded like a teenage girl hiding form her crush but he supposed it was the best for them.
Joonmyun could stop worrying about Jongdae’s persistence on making moves on him.
Jongdae could stop and tend his bleeding heart with golden stitches that might hold his heart together even if he has to spend sleepless nights still.
Benson and Hedge’s stick was lazily sitting between his lips not bothering to inhale the carcinogen substances as he trailed the words in his Organic Chemistry textbook in succession to forget anything pertaining Joonmyun using the excuse of getting 4-flat on his CGPA as an excuse.
He heard the door knob of the rooftop’s door being twisted roughly like it had no grace-- well-- you can expect that from Baekhyun.
Jongdae was so certain that the boy that is always in mirth had came to bother him in his new found sanctuary which successfully (lies) replaced the spot he had once loved hanging out with Joonmyun in that coffee shop he used to frequent.
“What kind of help do you need?” He asked the man without even glancing up from his textbook, taking in the process of alkylation into his brain.
“Joonmyun is running around the campus to look for you and if you are planning to avoid him still, I would you suggest you to leave the fucking campus now if your heart is not strong enough to--”
“Jongdae!”
“Fuck, too late--”
The cigarette between Jongdae’s lips dropped onto the cement-floor along with his heart like the gravity had pulled it out without giving out notice to Jongdae in this quietude. He hated this-- Hated-- Hated this.
He hated how Joonmyun had this imperial power inside of him to make Jongdae’s heart plummet in mere seconds by just standing there near the door frame, looking at him in disheveled hair even his spectackles drooped to the bridge of his nose.
“Urh.. Baekhyun- I would be please if you can leave us alone now?” Joonmyun used his imperative tone like it was the appropriate kind at this moment, he too used his pleading eyes at Baekhyun.
“No-” Jongdae quickly grabbed Baekhyun’s hand into his own.
It is too early for this, he is not strong enough. He needed his rock who is no other than Baekhyun despite his own best friend could be the bane of his existence.
“Please Jongdae, You and me need to talk,” Joonmyun said in such imploration making like the talk he wanted with Jongdae was the essential thing in his life.
Baekhyun squeezed Jongdae’s hand in solicitude, giving him a small smile followed by the nod of his head. He mouthed ‘good luck’ almost quickly for Jongdae to catch.
“I will be at the dorm if you need me,” He let go of Jongdae’s hand making Jongdae reached out for that comforting hand for a split second but he knew Baekhyun always wished the best for him despite his peskiness on him, maybe this could be the best?
The door made a faint slam sound when Baekhyun closed it shut hence leaving Jongdae perched on the bench. Joonmyun took few strides until his back reached the railing of the rooftop, standing in front of Jongdae with tentative gaze.
“So?” Jongdae started dropping his eyes to the cement not even dared to look at Joonmyun in the eys because he knew how hopeless he is in this relationship (could it be called relationship?).
“If I said I’d love you one day, will that make you happy?”
Joonmyun’s said those words smoothly almost making Jongdae broke his neck when he snapped the muscles of his neck to look at Jongdae with fazed eyes.
“I don’t want this anymore Joonmyun-- I don’t want your-- Your---” Fuck, he should not be crying over Joonmyun again, he was so determined he was not going to cry over some guy named Kim Joonmyun--
“Our hearts have been wondering, especially mine-- You have been waiting for me, I knew that but I always try to ignore the hand you reached out for me because I am a coward Jongdae and I am still much in pain because it is hard for me to start new but if you promise me-- to stay by my side--” He sounded fragile for once and Jongdae wondered if this is real or not.
“I might-- Just might-- No-- I will love you one day and it might be sooner or later but you just need to stay by my side because I need no one more than you now-- Just try to stay by my side?”
“How long? How long can I go on with this without having-- having to doubt everything about us? You forged me into thinking that I-- I wouldn’t have a chance with you Joonmyun and that night that-- That we open up and-- It was just a night to fuck someone for you right?” Jongdae’s heart bleed open again and he wished he did not even know who Joonmyun is.
“Jongdae--”
“Fuck you Joonmyun,” Jongdae gritted under his breath.
“Seriously fuck you,” Tears brimming his eyes. not again not again-- not not not again.
If Joonmyun was the one who left Jongdae to drown in his own tears-- this time fucking no more-- He would be the one to pave himself out of Joonmyun’s path.
Never again he would weep for Joonmyun.