[Let's Read] Maintaining: Intro, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2
Here's the analysis I was talking about! I wrote it tonight. I remembered that I had a name for the analysis-recap-rambly thing, but then I couldn't remember it.
But then I did remember it again!
I am going to name this: Let's Read.
This is where I look at a fanfic, take it apart, and deconstruct it. Except instead of making dick jokes, I analyze what worked for me, what didn't, and what I would do differently were it my fanfic.
So with no further adieu, let's get started!
Intro: Maintaining + Quest
Or: How I Learned To Turn My Brain Off And Love The Dragonbara Z
Dragonball Z is one of the first fandoms I ever got into, along with Pokemon. It was how I bonded with one of my best IRL friends, and I wrote my first fanfic for Dragonball when I was in sixth grade and thought I was pretty hot shit and a good writer to boot.
I know better now, but the Dragonball Z fandom is the one I keep coming back to time and time again. It’s sort of my “breather fandom”--I’ll fall into a fandom, fall out, awkwardly stand on the sidelines and read fanfic for this fandom and then try my hand at it one last time before falling into another fandom.
It was during one of these periods that I discovered Pixelgoddess’s fanfics, Maintaining and Quest.
Maintaining and Quest are two Goku/Vegeta fanfics I discovered while at my grandparent’s house one summer/winter. I don’t quite recall the year--might have been my junior or senior year in college. At any rate, it kept me entertained and wondering where things would go next--since my grandfather’s router would get too cold during the night and then wouldn’t work until noon the next day, I was often left wondering what would happen next.
I admit I was going in, not quite knowing what to expect. I’d read some of the Goku/Vegeta stories on fanfiction.net, and they were all, um...well, it’s just that they...okay, fuck this, they call it the Pit of Voles for a reason. I went into this expecting ChiChi to be a bitch, dead, or just generally treated unpleasantly. I was expecting tails to be used in the art of jerking off. I was expecting lots of mating and soul bonding and mpreg and all the things that make veteran sporkers curl in the corner and cry.
I was in for a surprise.
A very pleasant surprise.
I fell in love with this fanfic because it took my expectations and twisted them so hard their necks snapped and they ran around like decapitated chickens for a few minutes. The things I were expecting either weren’t there, or were taken and deconstructed, subverted, and challenged. A gay couple starting a family in a fanfic that didn’t result in mpreg and assbabies? Actual characterization and development and difficulties in relationships? Deconstruction and pointing out why sharing thoughts and “soul bonds” just might be a bad thing?
It was awesome and I loved it.
Unfortunately, there were a few things in it that I wish had been handled a little bit better. I’ll go into all of these in a bit more detail when I examine them in the chapters proper, but there were some things that took the enjoyment down a few pegs for me.
For every realistic hurdle met and overcome in a relationship, there was one of my top ten favorite characters acting like a douchebag. For every well-thought out plot point, there was something that made me go, “...whut?” And for every subtle moment where Goku and Vegeta were actually shown as being compatible with each other as partners, there were nine other times where everyone else said how cute and awesome and perfect they were for each other instead of letting their actions and interplay speak for itself.
I will also admit that it hasn’t aged well for me personally. When I re-read it, there are moments where I will accidentally laugh when I’m not supposed to, an awkward phrase that makes me cringe, and then the fact that I find myself skipping over a majority of the sex scenes. (Except one instance, which we’ll look at when I get to Quest.)
These are all things that at least, for me, took these two fics from “Masterpiece” to “Guilty Pleasure.”
Now, let me emphasize that I love these two fics. I have written a tribute fic for the fics, have at least a few more planned, and have actually been thinking about ways I would go about writing the story if it were mine. And that is exactly why I’m doing this--so that I can deconstruct what went wrong, what went right, and how I would have done it differently. Not better--just differently.
There are a couple of things I would like everyone to keep in mind:
All right then. Leeroy Wingkins, will you see us off, please?
Indeed.
___________________
Chapter 1: Family
Okay. So here’s how the story begins:
Goku sat on the edge of the bed, stretching and scratching his stomach. The sun was cresting the mountains visible from his window, making his smiling face glow.
::This is going to be a great day!:: He had convinced Gohan to spend the day training with him. He was so close to new power level - he could feel it - and maybe he could reach it with his son's help.
When I began re-reading this just these past few months, I almost skipped this chapter. I read through it instead, and discovered my first rule for good writing: Begin where the story--and action--starts. There are exceptions to these rules--it’s just a matter of whether or not you can justify them. Example: The Hunger Games did not go to the Reaping, or the Games, straightaway. Instead, it took time to build the world that Katniss Everdeen lives in--her life just surviving in District 12, the decadence of the Capitol, the build-up to her realization that she might be going to her death. This is justified, as it builds the world that Katniss lives in.
The question is whether or not it works in Maintaining. My answer is simple-- for me, it doesn't. While it tries to set itself up as such, I firmly believe that there were alternatives. We're already pretty familiar with the Earth that Toriyama presents in Dragonball Z, and while we might not be familiar with the situation Goku and his family are in, there are alternative ways to introduce it.
The action doesn’t really begin here--while it does set the stage for Goku’s life after the Buu Saga, it’s not really interest-holding. It details Goku and his family having breakfast. It is cute, but if it were me, this is a chapter that might have been left on the cutting room floor during the editing stage.
It does do two things very well, though. The first thing it does is set us up for an OC, Rezu, without being completely obnoxious--we will get to Rezu later.
The second thing it does is somewhat set the stage for the conflict of the entire story:
"Sorry. I saw him looking really pissed the other day. He just ignored me and Trunks-"
"...Trunks and me..." Chichi corrected.
"*Sigh* -Trunks and me, and went to the gravity room and started blowing stuff up. He was supposed to be showing us a new technique...."
I believe PixelGoddess was trying to foreshadow something being wrong with Vegeta, but as a watcher of the series, my first reaction was, “Doesn’t he act like this in any given episode?” And this is an important fanfic rule: If you tell us someone is acting off, show us something that tells us they’re acting off.
An example: Maybe Goten and Trunks could have spied on him and seen that he was training a little differently--maybe he was having more trouble at higher difficulties than usual, leading to Vegeta getting frustrated and catching himself in a vicious cycle of frustration, pushing himself too hard, and more frustration. The second chapter makes a point of Vegeta having trouble with training--this would be a perfect lead-in to that.
Anyway, That’s Chapter One. Gets points right off the bat for not making Chi-Chi an unlikable bitch or killing her off, and for introducing us to Rezu without being obnoxious and making her seem PASTEDE ON YAY, but I’m not sure it saves the chapter. It just doesn’t feel like the story begins here.
___________________
Chapter 2: Weakness
This leads right into Chapter Two, and my next Rule of Good Writing: Show, show, show, show, show us instead of telling us. Why am I telling you this now?
Because this entire first half of the chapter is exposition of the series from the Buu Saga onwards, and the reason I lumped these two chapters together instead of analyzing them separately.
I will say this, though--Vegeta’s very angsty. Very, very angsty. And tortured. And reminds me waaaaay to much of how I tend to characterize a certain favorite character of mine, so. Take everything I say with a fist-sized grain of salt.
So it starts out with Vegeta going into the chambers, and we find out that somehow their tails regrew. I’m not quite sure how, and I would have liked an explanation, but I’m not going to dwell on it. There’s plenty of tail-fetishism to go around in the Goku/Vegeta fandom--hell, the Saiyan yaoi fandom in general--and considering that it’s a lot more harmless than my kink of PTSD-prone woobies, I won’t think too deeply into it. So anyway, Vegeta’s heart doesn’t really seem into it:
Who was he kidding, anyway? He was just...maintaining. He'd never be stronger than Kakarott. Hell neither one of them would ever be stronger than the potential of that brat of his.
On a side note, I think that’s a record for “Quickest Title-Drop In A Fanfic Ever.” I’m not quite sure which “brat” she’s talking about here, either--we have Trunks, Goten (Gotenks if you count their fusion), and Gohan, who is technically the most powerful in the series proper when it ends, fusions barred, and would thus make the most sense.
But anyway, I’m nitpicking. Vegeta ruminates further:
He had gone years without these doubts eating him alive from the inside. Kakarott had died - he had been gone so long. He had finally stopped believing he would return. It took some time, but he finally gained some inner peace.
He took an interest in his family. He listened to the onna's business problems and made suggestions. His son was smart and strong. He even spent time with the Son family and made it one of his responsibilities to spend time with his son and Goten. And Kakarott's wife - he helped her and began to see the qualities that had kept them together.
The problem here is that we’re being told these things. Granted, we will get details on Chi-Chi and Vegeta’s situation in due time, but I think could have been included here--I honestly would have loved to see Vegeta, pre-Buu sacrifice, and his mindspace while he’s doing someone a favor--which at that point in the series was still kind of a new thing for him. I’m pretty sure this is following what the fen calls “What You Didn’t See”.
What You Didn’t See (WYDS) is a term used to describe things that may not be present in the series proper. For AUs and such, it may be used to describe something that changed and thus set the story in a fundamentally different direction. For shipping, it’s used to show that two characters are secretly pining for each other--Jessie and James are the Ur Example of this.
Vegeta...not so much. The only real hint of “longing,” if you can call it that, is here:
The fusion had shattered him more than he could ever admit. He knew Kakarott had seen everything he was, and he was finally, utterly ashamed. He compared himself to his fellow Saiyan, and found himself wanting on every level.
I think this works because it hints at longing, but isn’t outright schmoopy--it’s exactly what you’d expect Vegeta to think, especially considering his soliloquy when Goku takes on Buu. All of the angst is directed at himself here, not at how Kakarott won’t make moo-moo eyes at him. ...Also, that “wanting on every level” part just--strikes a chord with me. I don’t know, but I really like that last sentence.
This life wasn't enough anymore - or he had no interest in it. Physical pain was nothing - that could be healed. Inside however - he could not remember feeling this hollow, this alone - not since Frieza.
...Aaaaand then it goes back to what I think is pointless angst. I mean--I do get that Vegeta’s an insecure, short bastard. That much is implied every single time in the series when Goku one-ups Vegeta without even meaning to. Except canon!Vegeta doesn’t mope, he goes and punches it in the face. ...Or sells his soul to Babidi, whichever one comes first.
It goes on:
Those damned z fighters laughed at him, taunted him, teased him...he'd learned how to deal with that crap during his time with Frieza, too. The secret was to control their target, distract them from what would cause real pain. Even as a child, he knew he had to be a walking, talking, prideful, egotistical bastard. That ego scared and intimidated people so they couldn't get too close. Frieza's attacks were designed to damage that pride, but that couldn't work, because he didn't have any really, did he?
I’m not sure that this works, either, especially the bolded. For one, I don’t recall people making fun of Vegeta in the series proper. Maybe in the anime, but come on, that’s, like, 95% filler, anyway. And the most I remember is some teasing on behalf of Yamcha and maybe Krillin.
...Speaking of Krillin, we will be getting to him next chapter. Remember when I said that there were a few points that took this from “Masterpiece” to “Guilty Pleasure”? Krillin’s one of them. And it’s not gonna be pretty.
With that said, though, I do like the part describing his time on Frieza’s ship. I...kind of have hindsight, so I completely understand why he’s being vague about it. ...That is also not pretty. And also something that will be discussed.
Anyway, Vegeta decides to fuck this shit for the day:
His mind was whirring and these damned robots were getting too many hits on him. He flared his ki and flattened them. He was tired of this pointless exercise.
This...actually kind of foreshadows something that will happen later in the story, though I have no idea how much of this was planned out in advance. It just shows us how his time as Frieza’s slave just fucked his shit up from a psychological standpoint. ...And I love his agony and I am going to hell.
And then this happens,
Vegeta shut down the gravity chamber and left, flying away without a destination.
And I lose all restraint and start singing this:
...Ahem. Moving on.
So Vegeta flies to clear his head, and then falls asleep beneath the trees. And then when he wakes up, finds out that daylight has faded behind him:
He awoke several hours later, the sliver of moon high in the sky. How long had he been gone? Hell, who cares? Who cared?
What might have worked better here is the fact that he has Trunks. I mean, yes, there are issues between Vegeta and Bulma that will be addressed--and that could have been foreshadowed here too, by the way--but come on, guy sacrificed his life so that Earth could have a shot. I mean, sure, he really is kind of fucked up right now, but maybe just a thought that his son would miss him--and then thinking “Fuck it, I’m not a good role model anyway, he spends his time with Kakarott’s brat, why bother?”
Kuso! This was stupid, pointless...these pathetic thoughts just coiling around his brain, repeating and repeating, choking his heart. He couldn't go on like this, just maintaining - he was in pain. Sometimes it just got too hard to even keep breathing. Oh shit, he could feel it again - his eyes....NO DAMN IT! I am a Prince! A Saiyan! We do not cry!
...What initially sticks out to me is the fact that “Kuso” and “shit” are used in the same paragraph. They mean essentially the same thing, yes, but it’s a little bit jarring. I think the times might have something to do with this--it might have been during that time when writing random Japanese words into fanfic was still considered “vogue”. Either way, I think the “Kuso” could have been cut.
We also get our second title-drop here, as well as some...pretty decent foreshadowing, I guess? Really, the “pathetic thoughts just coiling around his brain, repeating and repeating” makes it sound like a revelation that we’ll discuss a bit later in this Let’s Read. ...Then again, I have hindsight, so I might be reading into it more than I should. Again, I do encourage everyone to read the chapters before reading my analysis, because I don’t post every word from every chapter.
So that wraps up Chapter 2, with Vegeta flying back home. Next time we look at Chapter 3 and maybe 4. See you then!
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next>>
So there you have it! The first two chapters of "Maintaining", and my thoughts on them I want feedback, discussion, the works. Think I'm going too easy, or too harsh? Feel free to tell me so! ...Respectfully.
But then I did remember it again!
I am going to name this: Let's Read.
This is where I look at a fanfic, take it apart, and deconstruct it. Except instead of making dick jokes, I analyze what worked for me, what didn't, and what I would do differently were it my fanfic.
So with no further adieu, let's get started!
Intro: Maintaining + Quest
Or: How I Learned To Turn My Brain Off And Love The Dragonbara Z
Dragonball Z is one of the first fandoms I ever got into, along with Pokemon. It was how I bonded with one of my best IRL friends, and I wrote my first fanfic for Dragonball when I was in sixth grade and thought I was pretty hot shit and a good writer to boot.
I know better now, but the Dragonball Z fandom is the one I keep coming back to time and time again. It’s sort of my “breather fandom”--I’ll fall into a fandom, fall out, awkwardly stand on the sidelines and read fanfic for this fandom and then try my hand at it one last time before falling into another fandom.
It was during one of these periods that I discovered Pixelgoddess’s fanfics, Maintaining and Quest.
Maintaining and Quest are two Goku/Vegeta fanfics I discovered while at my grandparent’s house one summer/winter. I don’t quite recall the year--might have been my junior or senior year in college. At any rate, it kept me entertained and wondering where things would go next--since my grandfather’s router would get too cold during the night and then wouldn’t work until noon the next day, I was often left wondering what would happen next.
I admit I was going in, not quite knowing what to expect. I’d read some of the Goku/Vegeta stories on fanfiction.net, and they were all, um...well, it’s just that they...okay, fuck this, they call it the Pit of Voles for a reason. I went into this expecting ChiChi to be a bitch, dead, or just generally treated unpleasantly. I was expecting tails to be used in the art of jerking off. I was expecting lots of mating and soul bonding and mpreg and all the things that make veteran sporkers curl in the corner and cry.
I was in for a surprise.
A very pleasant surprise.
I fell in love with this fanfic because it took my expectations and twisted them so hard their necks snapped and they ran around like decapitated chickens for a few minutes. The things I were expecting either weren’t there, or were taken and deconstructed, subverted, and challenged. A gay couple starting a family in a fanfic that didn’t result in mpreg and assbabies? Actual characterization and development and difficulties in relationships? Deconstruction and pointing out why sharing thoughts and “soul bonds” just might be a bad thing?
It was awesome and I loved it.
Unfortunately, there were a few things in it that I wish had been handled a little bit better. I’ll go into all of these in a bit more detail when I examine them in the chapters proper, but there were some things that took the enjoyment down a few pegs for me.
For every realistic hurdle met and overcome in a relationship, there was one of my top ten favorite characters acting like a douchebag. For every well-thought out plot point, there was something that made me go, “...whut?” And for every subtle moment where Goku and Vegeta were actually shown as being compatible with each other as partners, there were nine other times where everyone else said how cute and awesome and perfect they were for each other instead of letting their actions and interplay speak for itself.
I will also admit that it hasn’t aged well for me personally. When I re-read it, there are moments where I will accidentally laugh when I’m not supposed to, an awkward phrase that makes me cringe, and then the fact that I find myself skipping over a majority of the sex scenes. (Except one instance, which we’ll look at when I get to Quest.)
These are all things that at least, for me, took these two fics from “Masterpiece” to “Guilty Pleasure.”
Now, let me emphasize that I love these two fics. I have written a tribute fic for the fics, have at least a few more planned, and have actually been thinking about ways I would go about writing the story if it were mine. And that is exactly why I’m doing this--so that I can deconstruct what went wrong, what went right, and how I would have done it differently. Not better--just differently.
There are a couple of things I would like everyone to keep in mind:
- This is NOT a sporking, MiSTing, or flame fest. This is an honest attempt by a writer analyzing a fellow writer’s style, taking it apart and putting it back together. Personal attacks on the author are NOT okay. I asked Pixelgoddess’s permission to do this, and that was the one request she made when she gave it. I intend to honor it, and I would like everyone reading this to do the same. Pixelgoddess is calling the shots here--if she says something’s out of bounds, it’s out of bounds, and I will slam on the brakes.
- With that said, constructively criticizing the story is fine, as long as it’s made with the intent of improving the story going forward, something to keep in mind for future writing. It’s what I’m doing here. And believe me, I would not be doing this if I did not love the story and the potential it brings to the table.
- I will be attempting humor at parts. Some of this humor is going to be sarcastic, because I have a very wry sense of humor. None of it is meant to be taken personally--though if Pixelgoddess asks me to knock it off, I will.
- Keep in mind that, above all, I do love this story. It is my guiltiest of guilty pleasures and the fuel for many a quaint and curious thought at night, wondering how I would have done it differently. Everything I do here, I do because I absolutely adore this work and am willing to overlook most of its flaws. It makes me think, it gives me ideas, and that's pretty much all it takes to win me over with a story.
- I do recommend at least glancing at the Chapters being analyzed before reading--it will give you a context for what I’m deconstructing and allow you to make your own commentary, whether it’s in agreement or disagreement with my own viewpoints. I love discussing stuff like this and going so deep it makes Limbo look like the surface, and the punchline to this is that it’s a reference to Inception. I will be linking to the chapters proper at the beginning of each section.
All right then. Leeroy Wingkins, will you see us off, please?
Click to viewIndeed.
___________________
Chapter 1: Family
Okay. So here’s how the story begins:
Goku sat on the edge of the bed, stretching and scratching his stomach. The sun was cresting the mountains visible from his window, making his smiling face glow.
::This is going to be a great day!:: He had convinced Gohan to spend the day training with him. He was so close to new power level - he could feel it - and maybe he could reach it with his son's help.
When I began re-reading this just these past few months, I almost skipped this chapter. I read through it instead, and discovered my first rule for good writing: Begin where the story--and action--starts. There are exceptions to these rules--it’s just a matter of whether or not you can justify them. Example: The Hunger Games did not go to the Reaping, or the Games, straightaway. Instead, it took time to build the world that Katniss Everdeen lives in--her life just surviving in District 12, the decadence of the Capitol, the build-up to her realization that she might be going to her death. This is justified, as it builds the world that Katniss lives in.
The question is whether or not it works in Maintaining. My answer is simple-- for me, it doesn't. While it tries to set itself up as such, I firmly believe that there were alternatives. We're already pretty familiar with the Earth that Toriyama presents in Dragonball Z, and while we might not be familiar with the situation Goku and his family are in, there are alternative ways to introduce it.
The action doesn’t really begin here--while it does set the stage for Goku’s life after the Buu Saga, it’s not really interest-holding. It details Goku and his family having breakfast. It is cute, but if it were me, this is a chapter that might have been left on the cutting room floor during the editing stage.
It does do two things very well, though. The first thing it does is set us up for an OC, Rezu, without being completely obnoxious--we will get to Rezu later.
The second thing it does is somewhat set the stage for the conflict of the entire story:
"Sorry. I saw him looking really pissed the other day. He just ignored me and Trunks-"
"...Trunks and me..." Chichi corrected.
"*Sigh* -Trunks and me, and went to the gravity room and started blowing stuff up. He was supposed to be showing us a new technique...."
I believe PixelGoddess was trying to foreshadow something being wrong with Vegeta, but as a watcher of the series, my first reaction was, “Doesn’t he act like this in any given episode?” And this is an important fanfic rule: If you tell us someone is acting off, show us something that tells us they’re acting off.
An example: Maybe Goten and Trunks could have spied on him and seen that he was training a little differently--maybe he was having more trouble at higher difficulties than usual, leading to Vegeta getting frustrated and catching himself in a vicious cycle of frustration, pushing himself too hard, and more frustration. The second chapter makes a point of Vegeta having trouble with training--this would be a perfect lead-in to that.
Anyway, That’s Chapter One. Gets points right off the bat for not making Chi-Chi an unlikable bitch or killing her off, and for introducing us to Rezu without being obnoxious and making her seem PASTEDE ON YAY, but I’m not sure it saves the chapter. It just doesn’t feel like the story begins here.
___________________
Chapter 2: Weakness
This leads right into Chapter Two, and my next Rule of Good Writing: Show, show, show, show, show us instead of telling us. Why am I telling you this now?
Because this entire first half of the chapter is exposition of the series from the Buu Saga onwards, and the reason I lumped these two chapters together instead of analyzing them separately.
I will say this, though--Vegeta’s very angsty. Very, very angsty. And tortured. And reminds me waaaaay to much of how I tend to characterize a certain favorite character of mine, so. Take everything I say with a fist-sized grain of salt.
So it starts out with Vegeta going into the chambers, and we find out that somehow their tails regrew. I’m not quite sure how, and I would have liked an explanation, but I’m not going to dwell on it. There’s plenty of tail-fetishism to go around in the Goku/Vegeta fandom--hell, the Saiyan yaoi fandom in general--and considering that it’s a lot more harmless than my kink of PTSD-prone woobies, I won’t think too deeply into it. So anyway, Vegeta’s heart doesn’t really seem into it:
Who was he kidding, anyway? He was just...maintaining. He'd never be stronger than Kakarott. Hell neither one of them would ever be stronger than the potential of that brat of his.
On a side note, I think that’s a record for “Quickest Title-Drop In A Fanfic Ever.” I’m not quite sure which “brat” she’s talking about here, either--we have Trunks, Goten (Gotenks if you count their fusion), and Gohan, who is technically the most powerful in the series proper when it ends, fusions barred, and would thus make the most sense.
But anyway, I’m nitpicking. Vegeta ruminates further:
He had gone years without these doubts eating him alive from the inside. Kakarott had died - he had been gone so long. He had finally stopped believing he would return. It took some time, but he finally gained some inner peace.
He took an interest in his family. He listened to the onna's business problems and made suggestions. His son was smart and strong. He even spent time with the Son family and made it one of his responsibilities to spend time with his son and Goten. And Kakarott's wife - he helped her and began to see the qualities that had kept them together.
The problem here is that we’re being told these things. Granted, we will get details on Chi-Chi and Vegeta’s situation in due time, but I think could have been included here--I honestly would have loved to see Vegeta, pre-Buu sacrifice, and his mindspace while he’s doing someone a favor--which at that point in the series was still kind of a new thing for him. I’m pretty sure this is following what the fen calls “What You Didn’t See”.
What You Didn’t See (WYDS) is a term used to describe things that may not be present in the series proper. For AUs and such, it may be used to describe something that changed and thus set the story in a fundamentally different direction. For shipping, it’s used to show that two characters are secretly pining for each other--Jessie and James are the Ur Example of this.
Vegeta...not so much. The only real hint of “longing,” if you can call it that, is here:
The fusion had shattered him more than he could ever admit. He knew Kakarott had seen everything he was, and he was finally, utterly ashamed. He compared himself to his fellow Saiyan, and found himself wanting on every level.
I think this works because it hints at longing, but isn’t outright schmoopy--it’s exactly what you’d expect Vegeta to think, especially considering his soliloquy when Goku takes on Buu. All of the angst is directed at himself here, not at how Kakarott won’t make moo-moo eyes at him. ...Also, that “wanting on every level” part just--strikes a chord with me. I don’t know, but I really like that last sentence.
This life wasn't enough anymore - or he had no interest in it. Physical pain was nothing - that could be healed. Inside however - he could not remember feeling this hollow, this alone - not since Frieza.
...Aaaaand then it goes back to what I think is pointless angst. I mean--I do get that Vegeta’s an insecure, short bastard. That much is implied every single time in the series when Goku one-ups Vegeta without even meaning to. Except canon!Vegeta doesn’t mope, he goes and punches it in the face. ...Or sells his soul to Babidi, whichever one comes first.
It goes on:
Those damned z fighters laughed at him, taunted him, teased him...he'd learned how to deal with that crap during his time with Frieza, too. The secret was to control their target, distract them from what would cause real pain. Even as a child, he knew he had to be a walking, talking, prideful, egotistical bastard. That ego scared and intimidated people so they couldn't get too close. Frieza's attacks were designed to damage that pride, but that couldn't work, because he didn't have any really, did he?
I’m not sure that this works, either, especially the bolded. For one, I don’t recall people making fun of Vegeta in the series proper. Maybe in the anime, but come on, that’s, like, 95% filler, anyway. And the most I remember is some teasing on behalf of Yamcha and maybe Krillin.
...Speaking of Krillin, we will be getting to him next chapter. Remember when I said that there were a few points that took this from “Masterpiece” to “Guilty Pleasure”? Krillin’s one of them. And it’s not gonna be pretty.
With that said, though, I do like the part describing his time on Frieza’s ship. I...kind of have hindsight, so I completely understand why he’s being vague about it. ...That is also not pretty. And also something that will be discussed.
Anyway, Vegeta decides to fuck this shit for the day:
His mind was whirring and these damned robots were getting too many hits on him. He flared his ki and flattened them. He was tired of this pointless exercise.
This...actually kind of foreshadows something that will happen later in the story, though I have no idea how much of this was planned out in advance. It just shows us how his time as Frieza’s slave just fucked his shit up from a psychological standpoint. ...And I love his agony and I am going to hell.
And then this happens,
Vegeta shut down the gravity chamber and left, flying away without a destination.
And I lose all restraint and start singing this:
...Ahem. Moving on.
So Vegeta flies to clear his head, and then falls asleep beneath the trees. And then when he wakes up, finds out that daylight has faded behind him:
He awoke several hours later, the sliver of moon high in the sky. How long had he been gone? Hell, who cares? Who cared?
What might have worked better here is the fact that he has Trunks. I mean, yes, there are issues between Vegeta and Bulma that will be addressed--and that could have been foreshadowed here too, by the way--but come on, guy sacrificed his life so that Earth could have a shot. I mean, sure, he really is kind of fucked up right now, but maybe just a thought that his son would miss him--and then thinking “Fuck it, I’m not a good role model anyway, he spends his time with Kakarott’s brat, why bother?”
Kuso! This was stupid, pointless...these pathetic thoughts just coiling around his brain, repeating and repeating, choking his heart. He couldn't go on like this, just maintaining - he was in pain. Sometimes it just got too hard to even keep breathing. Oh shit, he could feel it again - his eyes....NO DAMN IT! I am a Prince! A Saiyan! We do not cry!
...What initially sticks out to me is the fact that “Kuso” and “shit” are used in the same paragraph. They mean essentially the same thing, yes, but it’s a little bit jarring. I think the times might have something to do with this--it might have been during that time when writing random Japanese words into fanfic was still considered “vogue”. Either way, I think the “Kuso” could have been cut.
We also get our second title-drop here, as well as some...pretty decent foreshadowing, I guess? Really, the “pathetic thoughts just coiling around his brain, repeating and repeating” makes it sound like a revelation that we’ll discuss a bit later in this Let’s Read. ...Then again, I have hindsight, so I might be reading into it more than I should. Again, I do encourage everyone to read the chapters before reading my analysis, because I don’t post every word from every chapter.
So that wraps up Chapter 2, with Vegeta flying back home. Next time we look at Chapter 3 and maybe 4. See you then!
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So there you have it! The first two chapters of "Maintaining", and my thoughts on them I want feedback, discussion, the works. Think I'm going too easy, or too harsh? Feel free to tell me so! ...Respectfully.