[Let's Read] Maintaining: Chapter 5
Index
Brill's Intro
Quest
1 - Family || 2 - Weakness || 3 - Regret || 4 - Preparations || 5 - Picnic
All right! Chapter 5. This is where I think the story starts kicking off and setting the plot in motion.
Unfortunately, it sets a lot of other things in motion, too. Character Derailment being one of those things. In fact...I think it’s ALL OF THE THINGS. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Let’s take a look, shall we?
_____________________
Chapter 5 - Picnic
So it starts off with Vegeta being the last to arrive to the picnic and being greeted by ChiChi:
"Vegeta. I'm glad you came!" she said, smiling.
"You cook better than those damn robots," he replied with a tiny smirk.
"I should certainly hope so! Come and sit down. Rezu is getting a plate for you."
I admit it, this made me chuckle a little. Both because I can see the Capsule Corps residence having robot cooks, and because it reminds me a little bit of the one filler episode after Buu, where everyone gets together to have a barbecue. Vegeta gets along fantastically with Buu in that episode, by the by, and seems to at least tolerate everyone else. I think it’s safe to say that at that point, he’s accepted as one of the hero guys, which is why this works for me.
But anyway, the chapter continues with some dialogue between ChiChi, Rezu, and Vegeta:
"You haven't been by for awhile," Chichi told him, as she poured him some lemonade.
"Yeah," Rezu added, as she set a plate in front of Vegeta. "We've missed you."
Vegeta glanced at the pair, disbelief flashing through his eyes. He quickly suppressed it, returning to his customary scowl. He looked up to see Goku surrounded by his friends.
"Kakarotto is back. You don't need me anymore," he muttered, staring down at his plate.
Chichi and Rezu exchanged a surprised look.
"Vegeta..." Chichi began, resting a comforting hand on his arm. "Of course you are needed."
"Yeah, we like having you here," Rezu added.
"Hn."
We addressed the “Kakarott/Kakarotto” issue back in the last Let’s Read post, so let’s take a look at the dialogue and some of the other things happening here. Based on the dialogue, we can assume that Vegeta has been over at their house and that this used to be a regular occurrence. It apparently changed because Vegeta went, “suddenly, CONFIDENCE ISSUES” one day when Goku returned, which was addressed by the second chapter. So Chapter 2 DOES tie in with this one, though not as nicely as I wished it did.
I do like that they subtly implied that Vegeta visited them in the past--it brings a lot of questions to the table and makes you wonder what Vegeta did there that would make ChiChi want him to come back. With that said, it’s also very, very out of the blue, and VERY out of character for Vegeta. And it needs to be introduced just right to make it more intriguing and less “My Bullshit Senses Are Tingling”.
And again, that’s NOT meant to be offensive--I tend to have a lower “suspension of disbelief” threshold, so you could throw mud at me and tell me it’s chocolate and I will likely eat it. But more people are familiar with Vegeta’s “asshole” persona, and they’re going to wonder why ChiChi and Rezu want this punk around them and their family. It’s just a good idea to keep in mind that if you are going to include a scene that involves a character doing something that would normally be against every fiber of their being, make sure you’ve got a reason ready to justify it.
Now, there are reasons here, some that will be explained a little later in Maintaining and a little more that will be given greater detail in Quest. Have ChiChi mention one of those things here. Maybe that Goten’s missed Vegeta coming around to train with him on Mt. Paozu? Maybe mention off-handedly that Gohan was thinking about asking Vegeta to come fish with him for some dinner later that week?
Essentially--show us why they like having him around. It has to be handled delicately, but it CAN be done in a way that invites interest. It would also be nice if some of the other characters asked after Vegeta as well--I mean, yes, he is not buddy-buddy, but he IS one of their own! He's helped them save the world, and for better or worse, I like to think they accepted him as such.
So anyway, a little bit of tension follows:
Krillin finally came over. "Hey, Vegeta, where's Bulma?"
The Saiyan gave the little monk a piercing glare, snarling his answer, biting off each word. "I.don't.know."
[...]
"What's wrong?" Goku asked, confused.
Vegeta stared up at the taller Saiyan, struggling to force his anger down. When he could trust himself to speak, he answered, "Why would you think there is something wrong? I just need more food." He stalked away from the table.
"Don't bother. It won't do any good. They have never gotten along." [ChiChi] watched as Vegeta got several pieces of cake and went to talk to his son and Goten. The boys' eyes lit up as he placed a plate in front of each of them.
I almost made that lengthier, but this is getting long as it is. I’m saving Krillin’s analysis for a little later on, but for now, I will say that this bit works, at least in terms of canonical reactions and softening Vegeta’s characterization. I can almost see this happening in the series--Vegeta gritting his teeth, snapping off a reaction at Goku--
--and then going to get cake for the kids. Great Pet the Dog moment there that really works. Vegeta’s character development comes largely in Pet the Dog moments, so it makes sense that he'd do that. It helps illustrate why ChiChi's fond of him, and--well, it’s just cute. Tough guys acting like big softies are another favorite trope of mine (HI KUROGANE AND THOR AND KATNISS, WHY YES I AM STARING AT YOU ALL LIKE A MANIAC. DON'T MIND ME.)
Also--see? I told you there would be cake. :D
Minutes later, the roar of an aircar was heard as the missing guests arrived. Bulma came dancing out, a huge grin on her face. Yamcha wasn't far behind, with a nearly identical smile. Some of the joy faded from his face when he saw the scowl Vegeta directed at Bulma.
"Hi guys! Sorry we're late!" Bulma chirped.
Yamcha tore his eyes away from the prince and came to stand next to her, his arm around Bulma's shoulders.
"Oh, shit," Rezu murmured to Chichi. "Would she...?"
"Yeah..." Chichi sighed.
"Bitch."
It hasn’t started in earnest yet, but...all is not right here. First off, Yamcha and Bulma stopped being an item for good at the beginning of the Android saga. And for good reason--when your ex goes and has a kid with the villain who was partially responsible for your death back in the first season, you’re kind of over. For good. Hooking up after that would just lead to enormous amounts of awkward. “Hey, honey, remember that one time you slept with that guy who came to Earth and commanded an army of aliens that blew me up? That was hot. Wanna screw?”
Which is why it makes no sense that she’s back with him. And oh, yes, there are much much MUCH better reasons than that why this would NOT have happened--and that comes from someone who actually SHIPS Goku/Vegeta--but we’ll get to those in a bit. For now, let’s take a look at Bulma’s little “announcement.”
"Goku!" Bulma wrapped her arms around him, giving her friend a hug. "I have the greatest news!"
[....]
"Yamcha and I are engaged!" she exclaimed, smiling, as Yamcha wrapped his arm around her waist.
[...]
"But...but, Bulma, what about Vegeta?" Goku asked, stunned at how unfeeling his oldest friend was acting.
"What about him? Come on Goku - it's not like we were ever married. You know how he his. He is so cold - he couldn't ever love anyone. Yamcha can make me happy."
For the first time in his life, Goku wanted to hit Bulma. How could she treat his prince like this? Just throwing him away like he was nothing.
.....Okay. Let’s go backwards.
Goku does not, at any point, consider Vegeta his prince. Yes, Vegeta is Prince of the Saiyans. Yes, Vegeta tells us this point loudly, several times, each episode. Yes, Goku is the only full-blooded Saiyan that is in the show on a consistent basis (except Tarble, maybe, but I don’t think he counts. He was only in a special. Movies don't count either, due to some of them having wonky timelines.)
HOWEVER. At no point does he refer to, think of, or even hint that he thinks of Vegeta as “his prince.” He respects Vegeta as a rival, a fighting partner, and later a friend, but he never ever EVER thinks of him as a prince. Maybe jokingly, once or twice, but never seriously.
I think this calls for a Rule of Good Writing: Just because you think a character is cool, does not mean the canon character you’re writing should think the same. Be true to the character first, and let things go from there.
This will not be the first time this happens. I will not keep a running count each time “prince” is mentioned by Goku, because I’m lazy, but I will say that for me, it detracts from the story and takes something away from Goku himself AND Vegeta. Goku is someone who would care about someone not because of their rank, but because they’re his friend--he's a pure person. What’s wrong with just saying, “How could she treat Vegeta like that?” And to call Vegeta "prince" seriously degrades the character development Vegeta went under in the Cell and Buu sagas--because then, for the first time, something meant more to him than his title.
Okay, next thing I want to address--so Yamcha and Bulma are engaged. Okay. Suspending my disbelief there.
But I cannot believe Bulma’s statement that Vegeta’s cold and heartless--and I cannot believe she’d say that, based on her reaction to Vegeta’s sacrifice:
Click to viewSay what you will, but she did love him back, and based on that anime scene alone, I cannot bring myself to suspend my belief and just believe her based on the things she says above. There is a reason for it, but it's explained in a sentence during Quest, and I'm wondering if it was plotted out beforehand.
NEVER put words in a character’s mouth that they would never say, unless you have a good reason. It’s bad characterization not just for a fanfic, but for writing in general.
This actually segues into what I really wanted to discuss but delayed because there are so many interesting shiny things to analyze and I am a crow: I love this fic, but it's a guilty pleasure because some of the characterizations are just too Ron the Death Eater too much for me.
For those unfamiliar with the term, Ron the Death Eater is a trope, mainly popularized by the Potterfen, where a character who has certain flaws will have those flaws exaggerated and Flanderized to the point that they are no longer a character with flaws, they are EEEEEVIL. A good example of this is Cori Falls’s Ash Ketchum, who goes from being a whiny, bratty kid to an even whinier, brattier kid who gets his Pokemon license revoked and ends up as a 28-year old with an apparent mental illness.
In Maintaining, it never gets to that level, but we do get quite a few moments like this from Bulma:
"What did he say when you told him?"
She let out a disdainful breath, rolling her eyes.
"You - you didn't tell him? This is how he is finding out? Bulma, how c-?" He didn't understand. She had always been self-centered, but he never would have expected this.
Bulma frowned, disappointed that her friend wasn't happy for her. "What is your deal, Goku? What do you care what that asshole thinks?"
I love this fic. I do. But this is a perfect example of what I mean. In writing, it’s convenient characterization ploy to try to get us to side with Vegeta along with Goku, but...I’m sorry, it didn’t work for me. And I know why that is, but it doesn't happen until Quest.
One last thing--Vegeta’s past misdeeds (which canonically include standing by while Nappa/the Saibamen kill Goku’s friends and slaughtering an entire village of innocent Namekians) get downplayed or excused as him not being “that person anymore”.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Do not downplay a character’s flaws--especially MAJOR past missteps or sins--in favor of playing up another character’s less harmful flaws and making them look worse.
...I have spent entirely too long on a point I do not like, so I am going to back it up with a point that works, when ChiChi talks with Vegeta:
Chichi hadn't been able to stand it anymore, and had gone over to talk to Vegeta as he stood under a tree. [...] It had taken some patience and effort, but she had gotten Vegeta to talk to her occasionally when Goku was dead.
[...]
Vegeta glanced over at the woman speaking to him He wasn't really listening to her, just letting the sound of her voice wash over him. He knew why she was there, what she was trying to do - but for some reason it wasn't really bothering him.
[...]
He gradually became aware that Chichi had fallen silent. He looked over at her and smirked. She was mirroring his pose exactly - arms folded across her chest, a scowl on her face. All she lacked was the tail protectively coiled about the waist.
Chichi noticed that the prince was looking at her. Then she realized what he was seeing and returned his smirk. "You do know that you are welcome to stay here anytime, don't you?"
He nodded.
"Good," she said, lightly resting her hand on his arm. "Don't forget."
...Aaand all I want to know is what ChiChi was saying (maybe telling him how Trunks and Goten were training with some new technique that Vegeta taught them? Maybe tell him about a big fish Gohan caught? Maybe just things around the house, or what Rezu’s been up to?) and I would be ALL SET for this scene. It’s very strong and it works because it doesn’t tell us what to believe or feel--it just sets it out in front of us and says, “Here--take of it what you will.”
It is the strongest part of the chapter for that reason alone.
...It is, unfortunately, also a segue into one of my least favorite parts of the fanfic--Krillin’s characterization. Here is the link to the TV Tropes page for Dragon Ball Characters. Click on Krillin’s dropdown. Let’s take a look at some of the tropes here....Comic Relief, Deadpan Snarker, Dogged Nice Guy, Adorkable, Dork Knight, Doting Parent, Moe Couplet (with 18), Nice Guy, Tender Tears...
I’ll come right out and say it. Krillin’s in my Top 10 List of favorite characters (he is third on the list, so behind France and Kurogane and before Phoenix Wright and Thor), so I already have a bias. But in the series proper, he is one of the nicest guys in Dragon Ball. He always has a wisecrack ready when it’s needed, he’s basically a surrogate father to Gohan on Planet Namek, he’s one hell of a battle strategist, he falls in love with Android 18, he even had reservations killing Vegeta on Namek, when they were still enemies. My sarcastic, awkward heart loves Krillin to bits.
Which is why his characterization here breaks my heart.
Vegeta stared down at the little monk standing in front of him. He raised an eyebrow, amazed that the coward would dare to come this close. He was aware that the party had come to a halt, everyone staring at the two of them, just waiting to see his reaction. ::He knows Kakarott won't let me kill him - so he thinks he's safe.::
Krillin smiled up at the prince. "So Vegeta," he gloated, "The prince of assholes screws up again. Looks like you weren't a good enough fuck to keep her. You really are a waste of air, aren't you?"
The thing that turns this fic into a guilty pleasure is that Krillin would not act like this. The nice guy who refused to kill 18, who helped save Dende from Frieza--who hesitated in killing Vegeta on Namek after they’d teamed up, even though Vegeta wasn’t formally good at that time but did eventually warm up to him and accept him as one of their own--he’d be right there with ChiChi, cracking bad jokes and trying to take Vegeta’s mind off of things. He’d be offering to let Vegeta stay at Kame House if he needs to--ChiChi's got her hands full with four Saiyan-blooded guys, after all!
Instead:
Vegeta screamed in fury, leaping to SSJ. He began to build a ball of ki to obliterate the little asshole, but before he could throw it, all hell broke lose.
Krillin went flying across the yard, bent at the waist from Chichi's kick. He slammed into a surprised Yamcha, knocking him back into Bulma. 18 launched herself at Chichi in retaliation, but was blocked by a solid wall of Goku as he IT'd in her path and tossed her out of the area. Goten and Trunks scooped up the stunned monk and began throwing him back and forth like a basketball. Yamcha moaned in pain as Bulma fluctuated between trying to shove him off and screaming at Vegeta. Rezu shouted at the boys, demanding they release their victim.
Vegeta turned to Chichi, ignoring the fracas. "Nice technique."
She grinned. "He is such a shithead."
....Krillin.... ;___;
I am going to wrap up Chapter 5 here, because I think--I hope--I’ve done a satisfactory job in analyzing it and explaining what worked for me, what didn’t, and what I think would make it stronger.
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I’m going to be taking a break tomorrow to do something a little different. It’s a subset of Let’s Read that I’m going to call “Let’s [Re]Write.” As I said, there were things that I would have done differently--though not BETTER--and every five chapters or so, I’m going to hit pause, go back through those chapters I analyzed, and discuss how I would handle them. This will range from just explaining what I’d do to full-out writing excerpts, and I’m pretty stoked about it. Until then!