[Let's (Re)Write] Maintaining: Chapters 1-5

[daffodil_brill]

Today’s entry is not going to be a “Let’s Read” -- I am going to hopefully get back to that tomorrow, time and energy permitting.

Instead, what I’m going to do today is hit the “Pause” button on this fic, take some time to look over the analysis we’ve done so far, take the constraints and rules I discussed in past chapters, and put them to use to

Comments

[Pt. 1/2]

[guardians_song]

Mm - my inclinations (though I do a laughable job of writing said inclinations properly) would be more towards making it a bit more ambiguous whether they're being manipulated - having it be clear that there's something subtly wrong from the start, but not outright stating that the person steering this show isn't the person who's supposed to be in control of this body.

So perhaps something more like this -

[Warning for triggering content]
"Hey - hey, Vegeta?"

Burying his flare of irritation - did he have to burn the letters into the air with ki to make it clear that he did not want to be disturbed? - Vegeta looked down at the monk, who was giving him a hesitant, nervous smile filled with pity - and it was all he could do not to smack that smile straight off his face. "You know - I don't know what's gotten into Bulma, but if you want to talk about it -"

"No."

"You sure?" The hesitant smile stretched, grew even more nervous. "All right, but if you ever want to, you can drop by, and we'd be happy to -"

"I don't need your charity

[Pt. 2/2]

[guardians_song]

Similarly, I'd blur Bulma's reactions like this:

“Bulma,” Goku asked, “what about Vegeta?”

"Vegeta?" Confusion wavered in her eyes for a moment, her smile faltering - and then she burst into disbelieving, callous laughter. "Goku, what do you care about what that idiot thinks?"

"I care because he's a friend, and this isn't like you, either. What's gotten into you, Bulma?"

"What's gotten into me-" Bulma looked at him with an incredulous, increasingly strained smile. "Goku, what's gotten into you? There's nothing wrong with me. I just - well, I got tired of him, relationships do fall apart, you know. And there was Yamcha, like a prince out of a fairy tale, patiently waiting for me to come to my senses, so that he could sweep me up into his arms -"

She sounded like she was less trying to convince him of it than she was trying to convince herself.

Well, I'm a bad writer and the master of beating the readers over the head with ~SUBTLE FORESHADOWING~ but I think that conveys the idea. I understand what you're saying about making it

Right, so

[daffodil_brill]

I'm having Internet problems right now, so I just want to say that those two things you just wrote were much, much better than what I came up with. I'll be honest, I am a little jealous--but that's a good thing. I'll do better next time.

Seriously. Well done.