The Hesistant Writer
Anyone who doesn't want to read about me and my artistic struggles best look elsewhere. This is going to be a realy long and personal entry.
Much like any other human being on this planet, there is a lot I want to achieve in my lifetime. Just like anyone else, I have dreams that I'm not quite sure are ever going to come true. One of my dreams (or ambitions) is to tell at least one story that manages to change someone's life in some way. If I can manage to craft something that effects just one person on an emotional level, I'll have done what I've wanted to do with my life.
This is going to sound odd, but for the longest time I've felt as if I were meant to be a storyteller. All of my interests are purely focused in the realm of storytelling (whether it be literature or Japanese anime), and I feel like I have the right tools to make something really special that people will actually 'want' to experience. A story that people will want to recount to their friends and colleagues around the water cooler.
If only I weren't so lazy and would actually start writing.
I've often times been complimented for my writing abilities (by professors and close friends mostly), but my writing output is rather modest and meak to say the least. It isn't that I don't enjoy writing more than I think I'm just not used to the idea of focusing in on it. I'm not used to the idea of dedicating so much time on one thing. One of my major weaknesses, and I'm sure it's something I'll have to come to grips with as I walk further and further into adulthood, is that I have a scatter brain.
JK Rowling is a tremendous source of inspiration. The Harry Potter books were what made me realize that 'books can actually be fun to read'.
My scatter brain is a source of great joy and creativity, but it's also my downfall. Whenever I sit down to write, I tend to write things that I personally think are very creative and interesting. But as soon as I'm done with it, I just tend to leave it alone. I'm not a very good polisher, nor do I have a great habit of finishing the stories I write. It's becoming quite a bother.
The thing is, there's a tale I'm desperately wanting to write right now. It just seems to encompass everything I'm going through as an individual right now, but transplants it within what is basically a 'mundane' fantasy setting. Almost all of the stories I've been dreaming up so far have been pretty downbeat, but that's a side of myself I hardly ever to get share with the people around me. I try my best to be optimistic and enthuasitic about the world around me, when really on the inside most of it just bothers me. Since not a lot of people tend to take my viewpoints too seriously in normal conversation, I often turn to the realm of 'fantasy' to get them across.
This story is just screaming at me to get written. I love the characters. I love the setting. I love how beautifully pesimistic it is. But I'm lazy. Why am I still lazy about this?!
Steven Speilberg is a major influence for me as well. Ever since I was a kid, his movies have left a huge impact. Close Encounters of the Third Kind was like a spirtual out-of-body experience for me.
I'm deciding that from here on out I'm not going to let the nagging pressures of 'There's no way I can write a book' bring me down. The real reason why I don't write as much as I should is the constant feeling that I might be wasting my time creating something no one will care about. It will be horribly written, and not a single person on the planet will even give it a second glance.
I think that's my fear in general. That's my fear when it comes to all aspects of life. I fear rejection. I fear people will reject my skewered look at the world and pass it off as the ramblings of an incoherent moron. These worries come frequently, and yet I do nothing to stop them from taking over. I sit in my comfortable spot in front of my computer, wasting away the hours when I could be doing something that might actually have a purpose.
I'm sure many people who have an artistic longing probably feel the same way I do. I want to create things, but I'm in constant paranoia that I don't have the tools necessary to be a good artist. That I don't have the life experience or the insight.
There's films I see in the cinema all the time that manage to lure me in and snag a few tears from my lids. It usually isn't because I'm particularly touched by what is going on within the film itself, but I'm just imagining the creative mind that must have gone on behind the scenes. How incredibly proud he must feel to see his vision become a reality. The same is true for any good book, or comic, or even video game. There's a moment of complete immersion, where I just can't help but wonder what kind of a genius was the driving force behind the experience I'm currently feeling. And most importantly, I keep wondering if I can be one of those people. One of those people that can send somebody on an experience.
Forgive me if I seem to be repeating myself, but I'm just sort of going on auto-pilot at the moment. I'm going to sit down and write, and I don't intend on stopping until I need to go to sleep.
I'm not going to worry about whether the writing is any good. I'm not going to worry about if anyone will care to read it. I'm just going to try and write the story I want to write. I'm going to try the best that I possibly can.
Click to viewBecause Kermit the Frog is my current hero, here is "The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppet Movie. Beautiful stuff.
Some day we'll find it...
The Rainbow Connection...
For the lovers...
the dreamers...
and me.