A Sequel
In 2007 I posted a Twilight fanfic entitled Not What I Used To Be. It was fairly short. Just six chapters. When I completed it, I immediately started writing a sequel, but it stalled. I have finally gone back and completed it. If you haven't read the first, please do. This won't make much sense without it. Comments are appreciated on both stories, old and new, alike. :)
Edward was already kissing her when the door fell closed behind them, and Bella leaned into him eagerly at first. But after a few moments, she paused, turning her head to stop him. Edward pulled away cautiously. She had never prevented him from kissing her before. She had never even tried to, and he knew this for certain because when he'd been stronger than she, he'd always paid very close attention to be sure she WASN'T trying to stop him. He recalled perfectly that Bella Swan would rather pass out from oxygen deprivation than stop kissing him. And yet her arms, which had held him so tightly a moment before, had released him. She took a step back, breathing heavily.
“Are you alright?” Edward asked gently, releasing her, since that’s what she seemed to want.
Bella looked at him oddly for a moment and he couldn’t decipher the expression. Then she shook her head slowly. She took another step backward, and then another, until her back was against the far wall. “It isn’t - being a vampire isn’t anything like I expected,” she said hesitantly, her voice off. He’d been expecting breathlessness, but perceived confusion instead. He squinted at her in question, and she shook her head again but tried to explain. “There are instincts, like when Irina attacked me, or when I first smelled humans, that aren’t part of me. Or they weren’t, but now they are.”
“Can you understand, now, why I never wanted this for you?” he whispered, his eyes filling with pain.
Bella ignored this question, closing her eyes to try to control the strong feeling that had suddenly come over her. Mistaking this for weakness, Edward came toward her, but she heard his movement and hissed. “Don’t. Stay where you are,” she said quickly.
“What is it?” By this time he was thoroughly confused. Her expression, tone, and actions all seemed foreign to him, which was troubling, considering the many hours he’d spent studying everything about her.
“I’m -“ Bella closed her eyes again. “I’m angry, Edward,” she said finally, and with the admission, her hands finally curled into fists. When she opened her eyes again her head lowered slightly and Edward was able, at last, to recognize her posture and expression. Clearly he had never seen her this angry.
“With me.” It wasn't a question. He kept his voice calm, but his mind was reeling. He deserved it, of course. He’d treated her horribly. But she’d seemed so happy once he’d convinced her that he loved her. Looking back, he realized he should have seen this coming. She was right. When a human became a vampire, there were some new instincts that had to be dealt with. In a situation like this, perhaps some anger was to be expected.
“It isn’t like me, to hold a grudge. I should be thrilled that you want me again. All these months, I haven’t been angry. You’d seemed so miserable before you left. I contented myself with the knowledge that you were happier without me.”
Edward shook his head to deny it, but she didn’t give him the opportunity to speak the words. She stepped forward, her voice lowering menacingly. “But you weren’t happier without me. You left me, miserable and alone, for an entire year for nothing! If you, at least, had been happy, I could understand. I could accept that. But -” She bit her lip hard, realizing she was getting too carried away. He was watching her warily, as though he thought she might attack him at any moment, and indeed, she knew she wasn’t far from it.
“Don’t bite your lip like that, it’s the only thing likely to damage you,” he said gently, holding out a hand to her as if she was a wild animal. She supposed that in some ways, she was. He made to step toward her again.
“I ought to punch you right in your beautiful mouth,” she spat, and then bit her lip again, even harder, and spun to face the wall, unable to believe she’d just said that. But that was the overriding desire that had pulled her out of his arms in the first place. She’d never really been a violent person. She’d never thought she was, at least. Maybe she’d just never been pushed far enough? Or maybe this was just part of what it meant to be a vampire. She didn’t know.
Edward was glad she’d turned away, because he couldn’t contain the grin that broke out on his face at that comment. He was silent for a moment to be sure no trace of his amusement would be evident in his voice. “Do you think it would make you feel better?”
"No," she whispered, turning again. "I think it would make me feel guilty. Haven't you been listening to me? The only thing that made this last year bearable at all was thinking that at least YOU weren't miserable. That you weren't in pain, anymore. How would causing you pain now make me feel better?" she demanded, and Edward was fairly sure it was only herself she was trying to convince.
"I'm not certain there's even a way to convey how much I regret every second we spent apart," he said quietly, taking a step toward her in spite of her tense posture. She glared at him, but remained still, resisting the urge to warn him away again. He reached out a hand to take one of hers, knowing he wouldn't be able to force her fingers to uncurl. "I will never make the mistake of leaving you again. Can you forgive me?"
Bella stood stiffly. Part of her very much wanted to forgive him, curl up in his arms, and forget that anything had changed. But there was a chilling sensation running through her chest that told her that wouldn't be possible right away. She needed to calm down. "I need some time to think things through." She pulled her fist out of Edward's hand and watched his arm fall back to his side dejectedly.
She moved past him to open the door, but stopped short. "Wait, Bella, please? You can think here. I won't interrupt you. I won't say anything, just don't leave."
Bella had never truly heard Edward Cullen sound desperate about anything, but this plea was delivered breathlessly. When she looked back towards him, she realized he hadn't moved. He wasn't going to try to restrain her, which she thought wise. After a moment's indecision, she closed the door again, walked over to the desk and sat down. Edward eyed her for only an instant before he picked up a book from a stack which Jasper had left for Bella and perched on the bed, facing just slightly away. He then proceeded to read through the book twice before growing impatient. He'd only just got her back, and the possibility that she might not stay was horrifying to him. He wanted to give her the space she needed without actually being separated from her.
Bella had hardly moved since she sat down. The whole house was silent for a long time. Anyone who wanted to know could have been listening to their conversation, after all. Hard to have any privacy in a house where everyone's ears picked up the sound of dust particles colliding in midair. At one point, as she thought hard about where Bella ended and the monster began - a topic she would contemplate often in the years to come - she heard a commotion downstairs. Emmett and Rosalie had arrived home. She paused in her thoughts to listen to Esme convince Emmett not to come upstairs and challenge the newborn to a wrestling match, and she smiled in spite of herself.
When Edward finally gave up his position on the bed and came to sit, cross-legged on the floor beside her chair, she tensed again. But the anger was less. She didn't feel quite so out of control. And when, hours later still, he reached for her hand, she let him hold it.
His touch no longer felt cold to her, but even if it had, she could not have shivered. She wondered if he would miss her little involuntary reactions to him. The shivering. The blushing. The fainting when she forgot to breathe. She rolled her eyes, but remained silent for quite a while, giving that some serious thought. What if all the things he had loved best about her, like the scent of her blood, for example, were gone now? Would he grow bored with her? Abandon her again?
She looked down at him. Although he was clearly not giving her any space, he had, at least, turned his eyes away. He was sitting with the back of her hand pressed against his cheek. She could hear him breathing, even and deep. She decided abruptly that she'd had enough of the silence, and she wasn't going to dwell on these issues anymore right now. "What are you doing?" she asked, keeping her voice as gentle as its new, crystalline quality allowed.
"I’d thought that there was no scent more compelling than your blood, when you were human…" he whispered, dragging her hand across his face again slowly. He didn't finish the thought.
Bella pulled her hand away from him, recognizing that perhaps the anger hadn't quite left her. She couldn't fathom how he could act like nothing had changed between them after the hell they'd both just been through. "I smell like lake water," she responded tartly, standing. And then she disappeared into the bathroom. Edward resisted the urge to sigh forlornly. She wouldn't appreciate it, and she would most certainly hear it.
Instead, he seated himself in the chair she’d just vacated and let his head fall into his hands, his hair sticking messily out from between his fingers. He didn't move when he heard the water start, nor when Rosalie and Emmett came noisily up the stairs - Emmett clearly reveling in the notion that he might be disturbing something sordid.
He didn't move until he heard Alice say his name in her mind, from just outside the door. It's going to work out, Edward, don't worry. She loves you. And you should get her something to wear. The closet is full. An image of Alice and Kate picking out clothing online came to him, and he shook his head at the outfit she showed him. He got up and peeked into the closet. Full was an understatement. He could have warned them that Bella would want to pick out her own clothes. He ignored Alice's suggestion and dug until he found a pair of (designer) jeans and a fairly simple shirt. Then he took a deep breath, just to fortify his nerves, and knocked on the bathroom door.
"I don't mean to interrupt," he began formally. "But Alice mentioned that she'd bought you some clothing, and I thought you'd like something to change into. May I put these on the counter for you?"
"Thank you, Edward," Bella said stiffly. She didn't so much as shift her weight as he opened the door and put the clothes on the counter. He kept his eyes closed, knowing from past experience that the mirror reflected the shower remarkably well. He'd struggled with that with Tanya before he'd managed to convince her that he wasn't interested. He closed the door quickly, so as not to be tempted. Then he stood outside it, hanging his head, until the water shut off.
When she emerged, hair damp, and dressed, he had retreated to the bed again, trying to think of anything he could say that would prevent her from leaving. But she didn't leave. Instead, she came and sat down beside him. He put aside the book he'd been pretending to read. It was funny how time seemed to pass for them now. When she'd been human, Bella could never seem to sit still for even a minute at a time. She had always been reaching for his hand, or starting a conversation. The silence and stillness was unnerving to him. He was certain it wouldn't bother him if he didn't spend the whole time wondering if she was about to get up and walk away. And for the first time, he felt he wasn’t at liberty to ask her what she was thinking. It was a new kind of torture.
“I’m sorry to have been so cold earlier,” she whispered.
Edward looked at her for a long moment. She looked sorrier than she should be, considering that he deserved any punishment she could possibly devise, and so far he’d been remarkably lucky. After all, she hadn’t hit him, however much she may have wanted to. And she was still here.
“I’m glad you were. I deserve it. But I need you to know that I will never leave you that way again.”
“No,” she replied darkly. “You won’t.” It sounded like a threat, rather than agreement, and this time Edward let her see his grin. She raised an eyebrow.
“Because you’ll hunt me down?” he asked, his velvet voice amused.
“I will.” Bella fought a smile as Edward shifted to face her, and she reached for his hands. “You won’t be able to go anywhere I can’t follow, now.”
“I wouldn’t want to, even if I could.”
Chapter 2
Edward was already kissing her when the door fell closed behind them, and Bella leaned into him eagerly at first. But after a few moments, she paused, turning her head to stop him. Edward pulled away cautiously. She had never prevented him from kissing her before. She had never even tried to, and he knew this for certain because when he'd been stronger than she, he'd always paid very close attention to be sure she WASN'T trying to stop him. He recalled perfectly that Bella Swan would rather pass out from oxygen deprivation than stop kissing him. And yet her arms, which had held him so tightly a moment before, had released him. She took a step back, breathing heavily.
“Are you alright?” Edward asked gently, releasing her, since that’s what she seemed to want.
Bella looked at him oddly for a moment and he couldn’t decipher the expression. Then she shook her head slowly. She took another step backward, and then another, until her back was against the far wall. “It isn’t - being a vampire isn’t anything like I expected,” she said hesitantly, her voice off. He’d been expecting breathlessness, but perceived confusion instead. He squinted at her in question, and she shook her head again but tried to explain. “There are instincts, like when Irina attacked me, or when I first smelled humans, that aren’t part of me. Or they weren’t, but now they are.”
“Can you understand, now, why I never wanted this for you?” he whispered, his eyes filling with pain.
Bella ignored this question, closing her eyes to try to control the strong feeling that had suddenly come over her. Mistaking this for weakness, Edward came toward her, but she heard his movement and hissed. “Don’t. Stay where you are,” she said quickly.
“What is it?” By this time he was thoroughly confused. Her expression, tone, and actions all seemed foreign to him, which was troubling, considering the many hours he’d spent studying everything about her.
“I’m -“ Bella closed her eyes again. “I’m angry, Edward,” she said finally, and with the admission, her hands finally curled into fists. When she opened her eyes again her head lowered slightly and Edward was able, at last, to recognize her posture and expression. Clearly he had never seen her this angry.
“With me.” It wasn't a question. He kept his voice calm, but his mind was reeling. He deserved it, of course. He’d treated her horribly. But she’d seemed so happy once he’d convinced her that he loved her. Looking back, he realized he should have seen this coming. She was right. When a human became a vampire, there were some new instincts that had to be dealt with. In a situation like this, perhaps some anger was to be expected.
“It isn’t like me, to hold a grudge. I should be thrilled that you want me again. All these months, I haven’t been angry. You’d seemed so miserable before you left. I contented myself with the knowledge that you were happier without me.”
Edward shook his head to deny it, but she didn’t give him the opportunity to speak the words. She stepped forward, her voice lowering menacingly. “But you weren’t happier without me. You left me, miserable and alone, for an entire year for nothing! If you, at least, had been happy, I could understand. I could accept that. But -” She bit her lip hard, realizing she was getting too carried away. He was watching her warily, as though he thought she might attack him at any moment, and indeed, she knew she wasn’t far from it.
“Don’t bite your lip like that, it’s the only thing likely to damage you,” he said gently, holding out a hand to her as if she was a wild animal. She supposed that in some ways, she was. He made to step toward her again.
“I ought to punch you right in your beautiful mouth,” she spat, and then bit her lip again, even harder, and spun to face the wall, unable to believe she’d just said that. But that was the overriding desire that had pulled her out of his arms in the first place. She’d never really been a violent person. She’d never thought she was, at least. Maybe she’d just never been pushed far enough? Or maybe this was just part of what it meant to be a vampire. She didn’t know.
Edward was glad she’d turned away, because he couldn’t contain the grin that broke out on his face at that comment. He was silent for a moment to be sure no trace of his amusement would be evident in his voice. “Do you think it would make you feel better?”
"No," she whispered, turning again. "I think it would make me feel guilty. Haven't you been listening to me? The only thing that made this last year bearable at all was thinking that at least YOU weren't miserable. That you weren't in pain, anymore. How would causing you pain now make me feel better?" she demanded, and Edward was fairly sure it was only herself she was trying to convince.
"I'm not certain there's even a way to convey how much I regret every second we spent apart," he said quietly, taking a step toward her in spite of her tense posture. She glared at him, but remained still, resisting the urge to warn him away again. He reached out a hand to take one of hers, knowing he wouldn't be able to force her fingers to uncurl. "I will never make the mistake of leaving you again. Can you forgive me?"
Bella stood stiffly. Part of her very much wanted to forgive him, curl up in his arms, and forget that anything had changed. But there was a chilling sensation running through her chest that told her that wouldn't be possible right away. She needed to calm down. "I need some time to think things through." She pulled her fist out of Edward's hand and watched his arm fall back to his side dejectedly.
She moved past him to open the door, but stopped short. "Wait, Bella, please? You can think here. I won't interrupt you. I won't say anything, just don't leave."
Bella had never truly heard Edward Cullen sound desperate about anything, but this plea was delivered breathlessly. When she looked back towards him, she realized he hadn't moved. He wasn't going to try to restrain her, which she thought wise. After a moment's indecision, she closed the door again, walked over to the desk and sat down. Edward eyed her for only an instant before he picked up a book from a stack which Jasper had left for Bella and perched on the bed, facing just slightly away. He then proceeded to read through the book twice before growing impatient. He'd only just got her back, and the possibility that she might not stay was horrifying to him. He wanted to give her the space she needed without actually being separated from her.
Bella had hardly moved since she sat down. The whole house was silent for a long time. Anyone who wanted to know could have been listening to their conversation, after all. Hard to have any privacy in a house where everyone's ears picked up the sound of dust particles colliding in midair. At one point, as she thought hard about where Bella ended and the monster began - a topic she would contemplate often in the years to come - she heard a commotion downstairs. Emmett and Rosalie had arrived home. She paused in her thoughts to listen to Esme convince Emmett not to come upstairs and challenge the newborn to a wrestling match, and she smiled in spite of herself.
When Edward finally gave up his position on the bed and came to sit, cross-legged on the floor beside her chair, she tensed again. But the anger was less. She didn't feel quite so out of control. And when, hours later still, he reached for her hand, she let him hold it.
His touch no longer felt cold to her, but even if it had, she could not have shivered. She wondered if he would miss her little involuntary reactions to him. The shivering. The blushing. The fainting when she forgot to breathe. She rolled her eyes, but remained silent for quite a while, giving that some serious thought. What if all the things he had loved best about her, like the scent of her blood, for example, were gone now? Would he grow bored with her? Abandon her again?
She looked down at him. Although he was clearly not giving her any space, he had, at least, turned his eyes away. He was sitting with the back of her hand pressed against his cheek. She could hear him breathing, even and deep. She decided abruptly that she'd had enough of the silence, and she wasn't going to dwell on these issues anymore right now. "What are you doing?" she asked, keeping her voice as gentle as its new, crystalline quality allowed.
"I’d thought that there was no scent more compelling than your blood, when you were human…" he whispered, dragging her hand across his face again slowly. He didn't finish the thought.
Bella pulled her hand away from him, recognizing that perhaps the anger hadn't quite left her. She couldn't fathom how he could act like nothing had changed between them after the hell they'd both just been through. "I smell like lake water," she responded tartly, standing. And then she disappeared into the bathroom. Edward resisted the urge to sigh forlornly. She wouldn't appreciate it, and she would most certainly hear it.
Instead, he seated himself in the chair she’d just vacated and let his head fall into his hands, his hair sticking messily out from between his fingers. He didn't move when he heard the water start, nor when Rosalie and Emmett came noisily up the stairs - Emmett clearly reveling in the notion that he might be disturbing something sordid.
He didn't move until he heard Alice say his name in her mind, from just outside the door. It's going to work out, Edward, don't worry. She loves you. And you should get her something to wear. The closet is full. An image of Alice and Kate picking out clothing online came to him, and he shook his head at the outfit she showed him. He got up and peeked into the closet. Full was an understatement. He could have warned them that Bella would want to pick out her own clothes. He ignored Alice's suggestion and dug until he found a pair of (designer) jeans and a fairly simple shirt. Then he took a deep breath, just to fortify his nerves, and knocked on the bathroom door.
"I don't mean to interrupt," he began formally. "But Alice mentioned that she'd bought you some clothing, and I thought you'd like something to change into. May I put these on the counter for you?"
"Thank you, Edward," Bella said stiffly. She didn't so much as shift her weight as he opened the door and put the clothes on the counter. He kept his eyes closed, knowing from past experience that the mirror reflected the shower remarkably well. He'd struggled with that with Tanya before he'd managed to convince her that he wasn't interested. He closed the door quickly, so as not to be tempted. Then he stood outside it, hanging his head, until the water shut off.
When she emerged, hair damp, and dressed, he had retreated to the bed again, trying to think of anything he could say that would prevent her from leaving. But she didn't leave. Instead, she came and sat down beside him. He put aside the book he'd been pretending to read. It was funny how time seemed to pass for them now. When she'd been human, Bella could never seem to sit still for even a minute at a time. She had always been reaching for his hand, or starting a conversation. The silence and stillness was unnerving to him. He was certain it wouldn't bother him if he didn't spend the whole time wondering if she was about to get up and walk away. And for the first time, he felt he wasn’t at liberty to ask her what she was thinking. It was a new kind of torture.
“I’m sorry to have been so cold earlier,” she whispered.
Edward looked at her for a long moment. She looked sorrier than she should be, considering that he deserved any punishment she could possibly devise, and so far he’d been remarkably lucky. After all, she hadn’t hit him, however much she may have wanted to. And she was still here.
“I’m glad you were. I deserve it. But I need you to know that I will never leave you that way again.”
“No,” she replied darkly. “You won’t.” It sounded like a threat, rather than agreement, and this time Edward let her see his grin. She raised an eyebrow.
“Because you’ll hunt me down?” he asked, his velvet voice amused.
“I will.” Bella fought a smile as Edward shifted to face her, and she reached for his hands. “You won’t be able to go anywhere I can’t follow, now.”
“I wouldn’t want to, even if I could.”
Chapter 2