Turn Around (II)
Part 1
"I'm inviting the guys over for dinner," Joonmyun says one day he's come back from work early after being in conferences all morning. His hair is wet from the shower because he stopped by the gym before coming home, and the look in his eyes says he's been thinking about this all morning, maybe even all week. "Is that okay?" he asks when Jongin doesn't answer.
"Which guys? When? Do you have news you want to share?"
Joonmyun narrows his eyes and smiles. "You know me so well." He goes to Jongin's desk where he's finishing a new layout for the website and sits on his lap. His hands wrap around Jongin's and his body heat is comforting and warm. "I actually wanted to say it during dinner but now is perfect. I got a promotion."
"That's great," Jongin says, not as enthusiastically as he should. He sounds bitter, which is what he is, but he doesn't want Joonmyun to know. Joonmyun catches on however, because he slumps his shoulders. "You're not happy for me."
"No, of course I am." Jongin cups Joonmyun's face and kisses his frown away. "I'm so proud of you. You work so hard, you deserve a promotion."
Joonmyun burrows deeper into Jongin's embrace. He smells like warmth to Jongin. Home. "I'm glad you think so. I've been working there for years feeling like no one acknowledged my existence."
"So who do you want to invite for dinner?"
Joonmyun laughs awkwardly at Jongin's abrupt change of topic. Jongin's always been blunt, a trait depression cannot take away, only greatly intensify, but on occasion it still seems to take Joonmyun off guard.
"I thought it would be nice to have the gang back together, but not everyone can come. Kyungsoo's sick with a fever so he won't be available. I think Yixing's in the middle of renovating his house and Minseok's wife just had a baby so we can't expect them over either. Tao's in Brazil last I heard. Did you hear he may be going to the next Olympics with his team?" Jongin furrows his eyebrows. The only reason Joonmyun becomes a chatty gossip is when he doesn't want to tell Jongin something and he's stalling. Jongin just looks at him expectantly. "Oh right, well the one's who could come are Jongdae, Kris, Luhan, Sehun, Baekhyun, and-"
"Chanyeol," Jongin finishes. "If Baekhyun is coming then so is Chanyeol, right?"
Joonmyun kisses him, probably knowing Jongin can't be too mad at him if he kisses him. "Yes, but I think you guys need to patch things up."
"Patch what up? I haven't seen him in years."
"Exactly," Joonmyun sighs, fiddling with the buttons on Jongin's shirts. "Baekhyun told me Chanyeol has been going to therapy. He says he's been doing a lot better. He's made an effort to change his life around. I just wish we could be like old times."
"But we can't and you know why."
Joonmyun stands up and hunches forward, making himself small and sad looking. Joonmyun only sulks when he really wants something. "It's just a little dinner. We don't even have to go out, I'll invite them here. They'll be gone before eleven, I promise. They all want to see you, Jongin."
Jongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He can visualize all his old friends crowding up his safe haven, making jokes and bringing up past memories Jongin has struggled to repress. However, he also sees Joonmyun smiling, interacting and chatting with people he hasn't seen in a long time because of Jongin. "Okay, you can invite them," he says, opening his eyes to a smiling Joonmyun.
"Really? You're fine with it?"
"I'm fine with it."
Joonmyun smiles and kisses Jongin's forehead. "Great, I'll give them a call now. How does friday sound?"
"Sounds good," he says, and watches Joonmyun leave the room with an extra bounce in his step.
Jongin turns back to his work, and hopes he'll have a better grip on himself in 4 days. One can always hope.
*
"Are you ready? How do you feel? We can still cancel if you're not feeling up to it. Sure, I'd be disappointed but your wellbeing is more important to me. I think I should just cancel then, what do you think?"
Jongin stares at Joonmyun and smiles, finding his nervous worrying endearing rather then smothering. They're both already dressed, it's 12 minutes to 6 and Joonmyun is very much in character, talking about canceling at this rate. It's classic Joonmyun behavior and Jongin can't help but like seeing him a little riled up. "I told you I'm fine. Really, at this point, it would just be rude to cancel. Didn't Luhan have to push back his flight to China to come here tonight?"
Joonmyun nods, running his hands down Jongin's white dress shirt. Jongin doesn't know why Joonmyun made him dress up, but he guesses it must be part of his philosophy that when you look good, you feel good. Jongin applies that philosophy to smell, but he doesn't have the heart to tell Joonmyun he's at fault for his soap going so fast.
The doorbell rings and Jongin almost swallows his tongue out of nervousness. Joonmyun gives him a quick peck that has Jongin wishing they could cancel dinner and just kiss all night, and then goes to answer the door. Jongin runs a hand through his hair, which Joonmyun styled upwards the way Jongin knows he likes. Jongin shuts his eyes tight and counts to ten in his head to calm his nerves, wishing and hoping the first person is a small pill he can swallow.
"Jongin! What are you wishing me away or something? Why are your eyes closed, loser?"
It's Luhan. Jongin sighs in relief. Luhan is his fast-acting Ibuprofen, a little red pill that heals his aches and calms his nerves. Jongin is glad he's the first to arrive. Luhan crosses the threshold and hugs Jongin, taking him off guard because he saw him last month and they've never been too fond of hugging. "Sorry," Luhan says, pulling away. "I thought you'd need that tonight."
Jongin smiles and squeezes his arm in reassurance. "I picked the baby up on my way," Luhan says, looking at the door.
"Baby? What baby?"
Jongin's question is answered when Sehun walks in with a six pack of beer and a bouquet of flowers. Joonmyun gives him a look.
"What? I couldn't afford wine so I thought a little pretty flower bouquet would make up for it," Sehun says, acting defensive when Jongin knows for a fact he doesn't care. "Where's Jongin?" Joonmyun steps aside and ushers Sehun inside. Sehun smiles and puts the six pack and flowers on the counter before giving him a half-hug. "How've you been? I tried calling you a couple times but you're cell was turned off or something."
"I don't have a cellphone anymore," Jongin says simply, knowing the assault of questions Sehun's going to throw on him.
"You don't have a phone? How does one not have a phone in this era? Where do you play Fruit Ninja? How do you keep yourself informed on what's going on? Where do you keep your contacts? We both know you're not smart enough to remember so many numbers."
"I don't need one after I quit."
That seems to shut him up. Sehun shrugs and pats Jongin's shoulder. "I'm sorry about that by the way. After I moved companies I stopped keeping in touch with the other dancers. I'm sure they all miss you."
"Of course they miss him, he made you idiots look good," Luhan says from his spot on the couch. He's already made himself at home, flipping through channels while Joonmyun checks on Jongin's lasagna. Since quitting his job, Jongin has had a lot of time at home to himself. He thought he'd appreciate being alone for so long in the day, but he soon got bored and took up hobbies. His motivation waned with most of them but cooking stuck, and he's surprisingly good at it. Joonmyun and Jongin take turns cooking, but Jongin rather be in the kitchen doing something productive than staring at the wall, thinking of everything at once or nothing at all. Jongin doesn't know which one's worse yet.
"We weren't idiots," Sehun says. "We just didn't have real training like Jongin."
"Idiots," Luhan says mockingly.
Jongin stands there and pictures what it would be like if he chimed in, threw a joke at Sehun and laughed along with Luhan. He wonders what he'd be like if he were that type of person. He vaguely remembers being that person, a long time ago, before all this sickness started eating at him. He was simpler, easier to please and funner to be around. He senses Luhan staring at him, possibly expecting that person to come back again in this playful environment, but he turns around. Jongin hates disappointing people.
He goes into the kitchen and stares at Joonmyun as he prepares the salad. "When are the rest coming?"
Joonmyun jumps. "I didn't hear you come in. Jongdae just texted saying he's in traffic and Kris can't make it sadly."
Jongin waits.
"Oh uhmm, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are going to be a little late."
"How long?" Jongin asks.
"Probably 30 minutes or so." Joonmyun takes a few quick steps to hug Jongin to his chest, squeezing him so tight, like he's afraid he might fly away from him again. "Are you scared? Don't be scared, I won't let anything bad happen to you."
Jongin smiles, because that's what Joonmyun wants him to do, and he hugs him back, giving him a quick squeeze and then folding away. 10 more minutes before the lasagna is ready and they can sit down to eat. Jongin can get through this, he knows he can, he has to. If not for Joonmyun or anyone else, but for himself. He needs to do this for him.
25 minutes after they're all seated and enjoying their meal, Chanyeol and Baekhyun arrive. Fluttering apologies and charming comments about how nice the apartment looks flood out of Baekhyun's mouth while Chanyeol hangs back. He seems nervous, and Jongin can't remember the last time he saw him so anxious, looking around like on edge. Finally Chanyeol's eyes land on Jongin's and he half waves at him, half nervously twitches his hand in the air before putting it back in his pocket. It's not as scary as he thought, making eye contact with Chanyeol, but he can't hold it for long so he looks away quickly.
"Now we're all here," Joonmyun says, eyes glued on Jongin, trying to read his reaction. "Come, sit down, I know our table's pretty small but we can all squeeze together."
Baekhyun laughs pleasantly. "It's not small at all, we've all just gotten fatter." He looks around, toothy smile on display. "I can't believe you've had this apartment since college."
Joonmyun shakes his head. "I can't believe it either." He looks at Jongin, his smile wavering when he sees his blank expression.
Chanyeol waits for Baekhyun to sit down first and then fits his chair behind him, away from the other's, kind of like how Jongin sits behind Joonmyun. Jongin doesn't know what to think of the similarity.
Joonmyun cuts two slices of lasagna and passes the plates down to them. "Jongin made it," Joonmyun says, with a proud smile that hurts Jongin to the core, because Joonmyun can't smile like that about him all the time, because the most fulfilling thing he does is make lasagna.
"Well let's hope he isn't trying to poison us," Baekhyun says and shoots Jongin a dramatic wink he would have reciprocated before, but he can't get himself to do it now.
Jongdae clears his throat, hoping to dissolve the awkward tension. "It's great Jongin, better than the stale one my girlfriend makes."
Jongin smiles at that, because Jongdae is always poking fun at his girlfriend when she isn't around. Anyone else would wonder if he even likes her at all, but Jongin knows that's how he showcases his affection.
They eat calmly, with everyone exchanging friendly banter except for Chanyeol and Jongin who watch rather than participate. Luhan talks of how his work is going in China and the companies expansion to America going smoothly. He informs everyone that Yixing's new house is huge and he invites them all to come visit once it's done. Sehun jokes about his new students and their eagerness to become mini Michael Jacksons while possessing the dance talent of dead slugs. Jongdae avoids boring anyone with his work, but he insists marketing isn't as bad as it sounds on the surface. He also admits he wants to get married, but his girlfriend wants her older sister to get married first. Baekhyun talks the most. He rants about work and his coworkers, the price of gas, and how he constantly has to convince his landlord that Chanyeol isn't going to punch a hole through the wall again. Jongin looks at Chanyeol to catch his reaction, but his face says he's used to it, to Baekhyun talking about him like he's not there, and it looks like he's not really listening anyway.
After dinner, Chanyeol makes his way towards Jongin's side and asks if they can talk in private for a moment. Joonmyun notices and starts to get up, but Jongin shakes his head and Joonmyun sits down again. Jongin has been dreading this, but he rather get it over with quickly, like when you have a band aid sticking to the little hairs on your arm and you rip it off in one swift motion. It stings at first but it hurts more to peel it off slowly. Jongin doesn't want to drag this on.
They walk out onto the balcony and Chanyeol instantly takes out his cigarette box. He puts one to his lips, but pauses. "You mind?"
Jongin shakes his head. He quit a year ago, but he still likes being reminded of the smell from time to time. Chanyeol lights it and takes a deep inhale, closing his eyes, and Jongin momentarily itches to ask for one. He doesn't though. He knows why he quit.
"So, I heard you've been going to therapy," Jongin says first, because he knows Chanyeol and he knows how he doesn't like silence but he doesn't like to be the first one to talk either. He's peculiar that way, and Jongin wants this conversation to end as soon as possible and that can only happen if it starts first.
"And you stopped," Chanyeol counterattacks, but he doesn't sound superior, he even seems a little concerned.
"I have my reasons." Jongin leans forward against the railing and exhales slowly. He remembers standing here a little over a year ago, looking down and hoping the wind would push him over so he wouldn't have to muster up the courage to do it himself.
"I'm sure you do," Chanyeol says, sucking in another nicotine filled breath. His t-shirt clings to his wing-like shoulder blades when he leans forward and Jongin can't seem to look away.
"You look thin," he tells him.
Chanyeol scoffs. "Look who's talking," he says, eyes roving over Jongin's entire body. He narrows his eyes and smirks.
Jongin turns away from him, feeling self-conscious. "I've been trying to gain weight."
"Trying isn't the same as actually doing it." Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "Is that what you tell Joonmyun, that you're trying?"
Jongin looks at him out of the corner of his eye. "Are you going to give me a free therapy session I didn't ask for?"
Chanyeol raises his hands and shrugs. "I guess I want to apologize."
"You guess?" Jongin asks. "How is that something you 'guess' you want to do?"
"Damn it, Jongin, could you let my balls breathe for a second? I'm trying here."
"Trying isn't the same as doing," Jongin recites back to him, smiling when he frowns.
"You can be a real smartass sometimes," Chanyeol looks around and stubs his cigarette. "I shouldn't be smoking. Baekhyun doesn't know I didn't totally quit."
"I'm not a four year old, Chanyeol, I'm not going to tell on you."
Chanyeol shrugs. "Just in case you wanted to mention it to someone. I don't know how your brain works anymore, I haven't seen you in a long time."
You never knew how my brain worked, that's why we are like we are. Jongin wishes he could say that to Chanyeol, if only to see his response, but the words don't come out. They rattle around his brain but don't leave through his mouth.
"I guess I just want to tell you I'm sorry about how things went down between us. We were too destructive for each other, and I've always been an asshole to you. I don't know, maybe I was jealous of you all this time, or maybe I just wanted to hurt you for no reason," Chanyeol sighs, pulling his hair out of his face. "We were too alike with our problems and whenever I saw you happy it made me angry. Because if I was as messed up as you, why couldn't I be happy too? So I purposely made you suffer. I didn't want to suffer by myself."
Jongin nods. For the first time in his life, he can almost understand Chanyeol, grasp at his inner fears and thoughts. Maybe because they're etched all over his face. "We both did things we regret. I can't judge you anymore than you can judge me. I guess we're even now."
Chanyeol looks at him and smiles a little. He looks satisfied, as if he'd lowered his expectations waiting for Jongin to refuse his apology. Jongin is too tired to keep harboring hate towards someone who's just as screwed over as him.
"How are you and Joonmyun?" Chanyeol asks. "He seems happy."
"He's always happy." Except when you make him worry, a little voice says in the back of Jongin's head that he wishes he could ignore. "But yeah, we're doing good. He's the only thing keeping me in one piece."
Chanyeol nods, his lips press together for an instant, thinking about what to say, and then he shakes his head and nods again. Jongin can almost see the thoughts derailing in his brain. "Baekhyun and I had a rough patch a few months ago but now we're back on track," he says, avoiding Jongin's eyes. "It was horrible, we couldn't even have sex."
Jongin feels a chill run down his spine and he doesn't know if it's the cold or a thousand little worms eating at him at once. Chanyeol looks at him and narrows his eyes at his expression. Without a qualm in the world, he asks, "when was the last time you had sex?"
Jongin chokes on air. He knows Chanyeol can be a bit unforgiving, but he didn't think their conversation would take such a hard left turn. "I don't...that's none of your business."
"It's all of my business," Chanyeol says lazily. For the first time in a year, Jongin really looks at Chanyeol's eyes. They're foggy and clouded, and his eyelids droop like he hasn't slept in days.
"Are you on something right now?"
Chanyeol laughs. "Now you notice? Damn, you're out of it tonight." He fishes through his pant's pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. "I've been taking these for 5 months now."
Jongin looks at them and takes them in his hand, reading the label with careful eyes. "Why do you carry them around?"
"Just in case," Chanyeol says, and something about his eyes tells Jongin he likes having a loaded gun ready for later. Jongin swallows and hands them back to him. "Now answer my question," Chanyeol says, putting them in his pocket, "when did you last have sex with your boyfriend?"
"I can't remember," Jongin admits, deciding to be honest with Chanyeol, because if he needs his pills with him at all times, he's a lot more vulnerable than Jongin.
"That's bad," Chanyeol presses his hands to his sides. "Is it because he doesn't want to or your-"
"I just can't get myself to do it. I don't know what's wrong with me," Jongin combs back his hair and then messes it up. "Sometimes I can picture myself doing it, I undress him and everything, but then I'm stuck and I can't move or do anything."
"Was it like this when you were going to therapy?"
"What are you some therapy advocate now?"
Chanyeol raises his hands and shrugs. "I'm just asking."
"Yes, no, sometimes. I've been like this for a while now. I can't remember if therapy made it better or worse."
"And you're not taking anything for it?"
Jongin arches an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean? Like one of those enhancers?"
"Yeah," Chanyeol sticks his hand back in his pocket and takes out another bottle. "These help me with Baekhyun when I'm not totally into it but he's ready to go."
Jongin frowns. "I don't want to force myself with Joonmyun." He wants it to be natural, beautiful, spontaneous and freeing like it used to.
"Well it's not going to just happen because you will it to. Just take a few," Chanyeol says, uncapping the bottle and shoving a few in Jongin's jacket pocket. "Thank me later."
"I'm not going to use them," Jongin says. "So I won't need to thank you."
"Just hold on to them." Chanyeol looks down at Jongin for a second and then smiles. "So are we okay, you and me?"
Jongin shrugs. "I guess. I hope you keep doing better."
Chanyeol looks at Jongin, eyes narrowed for a moment, until a smile takes over his face. Jongin can't remember if that's what his fake smiles look like, but he decides not to dwell on it. "You too," Chanyeol says, "let's go back inside."
Jongin breathes in and out and opens the sliding door. Joonmyun and Jongdae are eating cake and Luhan is beating Sehun at some video game Jongin hasn't played in years. Baekhyun's on the phone and gives them a thumbs up as soon as he sees them and Chanyeol goes to stand beside him. Jongin observes quietly for a moment and sighs.
He goes over to Joonmyun's side and leans on the counter. Jongdae's smile takes over his whole face as he slides his plate over to Jongin. "Take a bite, I bought it at some French pastry place. You look like you could do good by gaining some weight."
Jongin shies away from his poking fingers and leans into Joonmyun's side. Joonmyun rests his arm over his shoulders and frowns. Jongin guesses he must have felt the sharp edges so he moves away but Joonmyun holds him back. "Don't listen to him. You're perfect."
Jongdae laughs at Luhan cursing Sehun out for winning and Baekhyun starts doing one of his impersonations he used to bother everyone with during college. It's astounding how normal everyone is, how everyone falls back into their designated roles in the group. A part of Jongin misses this, but a bigger part of him hates them for reminding him how screwed up he is now, and how no matter what, he doesn't fit in with them anymore.
"What's wrong?" Joonmyun asks, seeing the haze in Jongin's eyes. "Are you tired?" he whispers. "Do you want me to tell everyone to go home?"
Jongin leans into his side and shrugs. "I think I'll just go lay down for a while."
"I'll go with you."
"No, stay." Jongin moves away from Joonmyun and musters a smile. "I'm fine. Really."
Joonmyun hesitates, his hand now around Jongin's waist. "You sure?"
Jongdae laughs, his tongue pocking out at the corner of his mouth. "Joonmyun, leave him be he's not a child. Go lay down," Jongdae tells Jongin, shoving him towards the room. "I'll entertain mommy for a while."
Joonmyun laughs and Jongin cracks a smile. He goes into their room and lays on the bed with a thump. He looks up at the ceiling and wonders how long they'll be here, invading his space like humans in an animal's natural habitat. Jongin feels like the kid who used to hide out in his room whenever distant relatives were over for a visit. He's the boy who outgrew Disney World and rather sit on a bench the entire trip. He rolls over and feels something press against his thigh; the pills. He should probably flush them now before Joonmyun finds them, so he gets up and goes to the bathroom. However, he catches his reflection in the mirror for the first time all night.
He's all jagged edges and rough patches of dry skin, and he can't see the boy Joonmyun fell in love with all those years ago. The timid, apprehensive and indecisive teenager that wanted all of Joonmyun all the time but had no idea how to word his feelings. He still doesn't know, but he's gotten worse. Joonmyun's held on with him through his meltdowns, his erratic behavior, his therapy, his medical bills, his hospitalizations, his suicide watch, his agony, his self loathing...the list seems to never end. Jongin rakes a hand through his hair and wishes for normalcy. He fists a hand in his pocket and looks at the pills, hesitates for a moment and finally decides to change his life, take charge of it all again. Then he waits.
*
Joonmyun comes in with an easy smile and Jongin can tell he's had a bit to drink. He walks over to the bed where Jongin's laying on his side and puts a hand on his hip.
"Jongin, are you awake?"
"I am."
"I'm sorry they stayed so long."
"It's fine"
He leans over to read the clock. "It's already past midnight. You said you wanted them out by eleven."
"This is your apartment."
Joonmyun giggles. "I guess you're right. Are you okay though? I left you here for a long while."
"I'm fine." Jongin hesitates, takes a deep breath and turns around. Joonmyun's hand falls on his stomach and he laughs again. Jongin looks up into his eyes and kisses him, firm and with purpose.
Joonmyun presses towards him, his hands going up to Jongin's disheveled hair, to grip and pull closer. Joonmyun's lips are soju and cake, and Jongin could drown in the taste forever, but there are other places his lips need to be too. First he takes on the task of trailing his mouth down Joonmyun's neck, behind his ear, and along his jaw, in places he hasn't kissed in a while. He doesn't dwell on the tremble in the hands he places on Joonmyun's chest as he takes off his shirt. He allows the nervousness to spring him on, push him that much harder. Jongin is a marathon runner, and Joonmyun is the race he's been training for his entire life. Nothing matters more to him than holding Joonmyun and praising his body with his own broken hands.
"Are you sure you want to-" Joonmyun's words come out like a soft whisper he's afraid to utter, but he does anyway because he loves Jongin more than he fears rejection.
"I've never wanted anything more," Jongin says, lips hovering over Joonmyun's pale chest. Not a spot or mark in sight; such pure skin, Jongin wonders if he's ever touched it before, or if all the times in his head are fabrications of his deepest desires. There's no way someone as dirty as Jongin has ever touched him. Joonmyun's skin is like a pond of crystalline water Jongin wants to swim, float, and live in, for the rest of his sad life. He continues to undress Joonmyun, and as the night progresses, Jongin starts to relearn every hidden crevice of the only person he's ever loved.
The next morning, Jongin's nose is awoken before the rest of his senses. Then his ears hear cutting, feet shuffling and cupboards opening and closing. His eyes open to see the curtains pulled apart, allowing the sun to illuminate the room. Jongin rolls over in the bed into Joonmyun's pillow, the smell of last night and his soap infiltrate his entire being, making him smile. He gets up and puts on a pair of Joonmyun's sweatpants that smell of detergent but still of him and goes into the kitchen. What he sees is a sight he wishes he could harbor into the front of his memory and keep there for his bad days. Joonmyun, shirtless and carefree, singing along to a song in his head, putting their breakfast on plates with a full smile on his happy face. He looks up when he hears Jongin and his smile grows, amazingly enough.
"You're up!"
"I am."
"Come here." Joonmyun reaches his hands out and Jongin hugs him, wraps his arms around his smaller frame, and kisses his forehead. The warmth is as comforting as anything, and they hold on to each other for as long as they can. Joonmyun's heartbeat thrums alongside Jongin's chest, causing him to hug him tighter before pulling away.
"What's all this?" he asks.
"I made breakfast."
Jongin gives him a look.
"Okay! I bought breakfast, but it's the thought that counts anyway, right?"
"It looks delicious. Thank you."
Joonmyun smiles and takes something off the counter and hands it to Jongin.
"A sunflower? What's this for?"
"It's for you. I saw it by the cash register and it made me think of you."
"Because you thought it would be ironic?"
Joonmyun laughs and kisses Jongin's hand. "No, because you surprised me last night, and sunflowers are big and surprising and they make me happy. Just take it."
Jongin takes it in his hand and feels the fuzzy, fake petals. It's prettier than most fake flowers, and it makes him frown because maybe Jongin is a fake flower. All the same parts as a real one but when you get too close to it, you realize it's an imposter and it will never smell or be like the real thing, but you buy it anyway cause you feel bad for it. Suddenly, Jongin feels angry, furious all over at the thought of him being broken. He knows he's not completely whole, but having the reminder in his face makes him incredibly upset. Jongin's hands shake slightly. He hates getting these episodes because the anger boils up and consumes him without warning.
"What's with the frown?" Joonmyun asks, his own smile faltering slightly.
Jongin takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to explode. He hasn't had an episode in months, he can control this one. He feels his face heat up but he tries his best to relax. His last episode was because Joonmyun came home late. The stupidest things sets him off, and he knows he can work harder not to let this affect him. Joonmyun stares at him as if he's afraid Jongin might sprout wings at any moment.
"I'm fine," Jongin says softly, calculating his words.
Joonmyun keeps staring at him. "Are you sure? Is it about the flower?"
Jongin looks at the flower and his anger bubbles up again, but he takes a deep breath. "No, I'm fine, really." He smiles at Joonmyun, feeling the edges of his mouth pulling apart forcibly. Jongin knows Joonmyun can tell when he fakes a smile, but this time Joonmyun just smiles back at him and goes into their room. One of Joonmyun's many wonderful traits is that he knows when to leave Jongin alone. He knows when to give Jongin a life line so he can drift away for a while before coming back to rest on his shores. Jongin never goes too far, but the distance is necessary, especially when he's keeping parts of himself hidden that might eventually surface without his control. Jongin can only float while he waits for the inevitable.
*
A week later they have lunch with Kris because Joonmyun wanted to see him after Kris missed dinner. It's a sunny day and Jongin appreciates the way the sun touches his skin.
"So when was the last time you talked to Tao, he's impossible to reach nowadays," Joonmyun says, spooning more rice and meat into Jongin's bowl with a sideways smile at him. Jongin rolls his eyes at him but he loves the subtle affection.
"I last talked to him in February I think. He's been training like crazy," Kris tells him, digging into his own bowl of Korean food. "He said he'd be back home for the summer."
"That's nice," Joonmyun says. "We're really proud of him, right Jongin?"
"Yeah," Jongin says.
"Not as proud as I am of you," Kris says, his eyes on Jongin. "You look really good. A little skinny but good."
Jongin doesn't know what to say to that so he just smiles a little. He knows Kris means well, but the way he says it makes it obvious that Jongin used to be a lot worse. That should reassure Jongin, that he's recovering and it's evident, but it just makes him feel like he still has too much to go before he's considered normal again.
"I'm really proud of you too," Joonmyun says, his hand squeezing Jongin's under the table.
Jongin feels his face flush, and he's glad that at least Joonmyun's compliments still make him content like they used to. He manages a smile for him, a smile that Joonmyun matches and outshines brilliantly with his own.
"I have to go to the bathroom," Joonmyun says, ruining the moment with a sweet chuckle. Jongin laughs at him and watches him go to the back of the restaurant until he's out of sight.
"You really make him happy, you know that?" Kris asks, after a moment of silence.
Jongin scoffs. "No I don't."
"You do," Kris insists. "If you didn't, he wouldn't be with you."
Jongin feels his face burn up at the thought of Joonmyun leaving him, but Kris is looking at him with so much earnest in his eyes. He actually believes Jongin could make Joonmyun happy, flaws and all. "I mean it, Jongin. You've made him happy since the first moment you met. I still remember how excited he was, telling me about the cute dancer he'd met on campus." Kris laughs, "he was like a child on Christmas day."
Jongin shakes his head but doesn't say anything. He didn't know he'd left an impression on Joonmyun from the moment they'd met.
"And he was like that for a week until he saw you again. I thought he was being a creep for stalking a freshman, but I guess he knew how special you'd be to him." Kris smiles, but then, as if realizing how mushy he's being, shrugs and says, "I don't want to be a sap or anything, but you should know that Joonmyun's lucky to have you too, and not just the other way around."
Jongin frowns. "Did someone...tell you to say this?"
Kris tilts his head. "Jongdae might have mentioned something."
Jongin makes a face. "You're all a bunch of gossips."
Kris laughs, but before he can defend himself presumably, someone clears their throat beside him.
Jongin looks up at Joonmyun, receipt in hand. "You're done?" Jongin asks.
"Yes, and I payed," he says. Beaming at them both. "Anything wrong?" he asks when they don't beam back.
"No," Jongin answers, cleaning his hands on a napkin.
"Well, come on, handsome," Joonmyun says, extending his hand to Jongin. "Let's go home."
Joonmyun goes ahead first to get the car and Jongin hangs back with Kris. "Thanks," he says softly, "I appreciate the gesture of, you know, letting me know I'm not sinking this relationship."
Kris stares at him, amazed. Jongin doesn't normally make comments about the status of his relationship with Joonmyun, but he feels brave, or weak, he doesn't know which constitutes letting yourself be vulnerable.
"Any time," Kris says, "And you should also know that all of us have always been jealous of your relationship." He winks at Jongin when the valet brings his car, and then waves at him once he sets off. A while later Joonmyun brings their car up too.
The drive home is actually delightful, because Joonmyun has the radio on softly and he's chatting about their lunch, saying how proud he is of Jongin.
"You don't have to be," Jongin says, leaning his head back to look at Joonmyun's blinding smile.
"Yes, I do. You are amazing, Jongin. This is why you're my sunflower. I just--I'm so proud to be your boyfriend. Every day you make me prouder. Every day you get out of bed makes you stronger in my eyes. I don't say this enough, but you are stronger than anyone I've ever met, Jongin."
The words make Jongin's chest burst. After they are back in their apartment and they've put away their leftovers, they sit down to watch a movie Jongin doesn't see because he's too busy admiring Joonmyun. When Joonmyun sheds a tear during the scene where the boy gets reunited with his dog, Jongin is there to wipe it away. Jongin wishes every day were like today.
*
Sadly, that would mean Jongin isn't sick. And he is. One afternoon when he's feeling nostalgic and looking at old photographs, he realizes how sick he is.
Summer 2008, 5 months into his relationship with Joonmyun and they're at the beach. Jongin is actually smiling. His skin is dark because they went to the beach every day that summer. They both look so happy, that elation of a new relationship evident on their faces. Another one of them drinking soju. One of Joonmyun shaving. Five of Jongin sleeping. A few of Jongdae and Luhan making faces. One of Sehun and Jongin, their boyish faces grinning obnoxiously at each other.
Fall 2009, a glimpse of them painting the apartment together. Jongin had just recently moved in. They decide to paint the apartment blue. Their shirts are stained and there's a handprint on Joonmyun's pants. Jongin couldn't stop touching him in the beginning. There are a few of Joonmyun in the kitchen, hanging picture frames in the living room. Them at the zoo. More of Jongin sleeping. A lot of pictures of Jongin practicing his choreography around the living room. One of Joonmyun passed out on the couch. One of Jongin and Luhan yelling at the tv during a sports game. Two pictures of two different sunsets and both have Joonmyun's finger in the lense.
Winter 2010, Jongin bought Joonmyun his first suitcase. They were both so excited his interview went smoothly. In the picture, Joonmyun is holding the suitcase like a shield in front of his chest and Jongin is laughing at him. Jongin can't remember ever being so happy. There is one of Joonmyun working at his desk. A few pictures of flower arrangements Jongin would send to Joonmyun's office. Three pictures of Jongin with Joonmyun's family. A few of Joonmyun and Jongin in the snow.
Summer 2011, a blurry photo of Jongin and Joonmyun kissing. It looks like it was taken at a karaoke room, the ones Joonmyun loved so much. It was the final gathering before Luhan and Yixing moved to China. There are 10 photos of that night, a lot of them blurry and unfocused. They got so drunk that night that Luhan called Jongin the next day to complain about how much his head hurt during his flight. That was one of the last moments Jongin was happy with his friends. He didn't know it then, but a few months later he'd be on his way to rock bottom.
Spring 2012, the first signs of Jongin's disease started creeping up. His moods changed, his patience thinned, his anger became more prominent. There's a picture of Joonmyun by the pool and his foot is bandaged. Jongin remembers that day, they'd fought all morning because Jongin was guilty for dropping a vase on Joonmyun's foot. He'd been angry and he'd wanted to hurt Joonmyun as much as he felt pain all the time. Joonmyun insisted they have a good time. Two weeks later, Jongin was in the hospital.
The pictures dwindle after that; the photo album left half empty. There haven't been many more moments Jongin would say are worth remembering. The thought frightens Jongin. Seeing the nothingness that have been the past years makes him sad for Joonmyun. While Jongin's been struggling with his own inner demons, Joonmyun's been living a half empty life.
Jongin wonders why anyone would stay with someone so broken and useless.
*
Jongin's trapped, drowning. The room is cluttered, but he can't distinguish anything, can't make anything out. His hands tremble behind his back; why are they tied? The back of his neck hurts, like he's been sitting in the wrong position for too long. He looks around but there's nothing to see. There's a window but it's barred and the realization that he might not be able to get out claws at his chest like a harmless dog with untrimmed nails. Jongin can't breathe. His legs are free, but he can't get up. He can't get off the uncomfortable chair he's in. And then he hears it, faintly at first, but then louder and with more insistence. Someone calling his name, but not just anyone; Joonmyun. His voice comes from nowhere specific and everywhere all at once. It rushes through Jongin's entire being, engulfing him like a wave. It's comforting, but then he yells at him, and continues yelling at him. He's calling him all sorts of disgusting things Jongin knows he is, but never thought he'd hear Joonmyun call him. Jongin's skin boils like acid was just poured on him and it came on the wavelengths of Joonmyun's voice. Jongin's shaking now, trying to use his shoulders to cover his ears, but it's no use. Joonmyun's abuse grows louder, his anger rising at Jongin trying to protect himself. Jongin moves violently from side to side and then a hand is on his shoulder, but then the hand is gone when Jongin falls on his face.
"Jongin!" Joonmyun jumps out of bed and gets on the floor next to Jongin. "My God, Jongin what's wrong?"
"What-what? Where am I?"
Joonmyun looks hurt in his eyes, but psychically too; his lip is bleeding.
"You're home, Jongin," Joonmyun reassures him. "You were having a nightmare."
Jongin's hands go up to cup Joonmyun's face. His left hand curls around his cut lip and he brings it back to his own mouth. "You're bleeding..."
"Yeah, you-" Joonmyun helps Jongin up, looking away, "you kinda punched me in the face."
"I what?" Jongin asks, sitting down hard on the bed.
"It was just an accident. I know it was. You were mumbling and your hand came up," Joonmyun shakes his head, "I was in the way, it was my fault anyway."
Jongin's mind races and comes up short. "Joonmyun, nothing I do to you is ever your fault."
Joonmyun reads the sincerity in Jongin's eyes and sighs, leaning on him slightly. "I'm just glad you're okay. You scared the shit out of me."
"I'm so sorry. I was-I was having a nightmare."
"Do you want to...talk about it?" Joonmyun asks, always hesitant when it comes to Jongin talking about the feelings he tries so hard to suppress.
"Let's do something about that lip first, please?" Jongin asks. "I can't stand to look at it."
Joonmyun laughs, if only to try and make Jongin feel better, but he feels like shit dragged across vomit and doubts he'll feel better any time soon. They go to the kitchen and Jongin watches Joonmyun take the medicine supplies from under the sink. The doctor said not to let Jongin touch the medical supplies because of what happened last time, so now Joonmyun's the one in charge.
"Let me at least put the band aid on?" Jongin asks asks, his nails dragging across the counter repeatedly, like he wants to claw the gloss off. Joonmyun smiles at him and walks around the counter, fitting himself between Jongin's legs. Instantly, Jongin hugs him to his body, and struggles not to sob into his chest. The world is blurry and the only thing in focus is Joonmyun, but he comes in and out out of view, like he's bouncing from a dream state to reality and back again. Jongin takes a deep breath before pulling away and takes the bandaid Joonmyun gives him and places it under his lip, where the cut contrasts angrily against his perfect skin.
"You okay?" Joonmyun asks, tipping Jongin's chin upwards.
"I'm a piece of shit," Jongin spits out bitterly.
"You're not."
"I am. I am, Joonmyun." He huffs angrily, wringing his hands under his back. "Who does this to the person they love?" he asks, gesturing to Joonmyun's cut face.
"It was an a-"
"Accident? How many accidents are you going to forgive from me? What else do I have to before you leave me?"
Joonmyun takes a step back, electrocuted by Jongin's curt words. "Are you trying to-"
"No I'm not trying to push you away, but I mean what will I do that finally makes you break? What if it's not your toe or your lip but your neck? What if the next thing I break is your back or you-"
Joonmyun's trembling, but he does a great job at concealing it as cold. "Jongin, I love you. I will always love you. Your disease is horrible but it isn't you. I know you and I know you'd never hurt me, not if you can help it."
"But I can't always help it. Don't you see Joonmyun? Now it's your lip but what could it be next time? I don't want to hurt you anymore because I rather not be with you than hurt you anymore."
Joonmyun hugs himself. Although he's always been shorter than Jongin, he's never seemed so small before. "Well I don't feel the same. I rather you beat the shit out of me than not be with you. I don't
know what life is without you and I don't want to find out. I love you, Jongin. Don't YOU get that? You mean more to me than...than everything. I need you."
"No you don't," Jongin curves forward, deflating. "You've never needed me."
"Who says?" Joonmyun stands straight, making himself big again. "If anyone would be ruined by the end of this relationship, it would be me."
"Don't bullshit me."
"I'm not bullshitting you. Jongin, if you left me, you'd live with your parents or someone else. But I'd wonder about you every second of every day. I'd probably visit you just to see you. I need you more than you need me. I always have."
Jongin bites his lip, because under all the disease and the problems, there's some truth to his words. He does need Joonmyun, but Joonmyun's entire life revolves around taking care of Jongin, if he didn't have that...well he'd be happy, but he'd have nothing.
"I can't just leave you and find someone else to love. Someone "whole" as you'd call it. You're mine and I'm yours and that's just how it is. I don't want anyone else and I don't want you any other way," Joonmyun says.
Jongin crumbles, just like that. A million leggo bricks from the empire he's been carrying on his back fall and crash around him. He looks up at Joonmyun's teary eyes and realizes that for Jongin to ever recover, he needs to stop fighting the only person who's ever wanted him to win. For Jongin to recover, he can't see Joonmyun as an enemy he needs to keep his secrets from. For Jongin to be the boy Joonmyun fell in love with, he has to let Joonmyun love him, all of him, not just the good parts. The realization hits him in the gut like a dozen daggers ripping him from his selfish world. All Jongin has to do is let Joonmyun in.
So he does.
A/N: so i'm pretty sure this is the most masochistic thing I've ever written. sorry about that. also a chankai backstory is coming up and a continuation of this so yeah this fic is not over but I just could not keep reading this. hurts my own heart too much. hopefully that'll make up for the sucky open ending orz
"I'm inviting the guys over for dinner," Joonmyun says one day he's come back from work early after being in conferences all morning. His hair is wet from the shower because he stopped by the gym before coming home, and the look in his eyes says he's been thinking about this all morning, maybe even all week. "Is that okay?" he asks when Jongin doesn't answer.
"Which guys? When? Do you have news you want to share?"
Joonmyun narrows his eyes and smiles. "You know me so well." He goes to Jongin's desk where he's finishing a new layout for the website and sits on his lap. His hands wrap around Jongin's and his body heat is comforting and warm. "I actually wanted to say it during dinner but now is perfect. I got a promotion."
"That's great," Jongin says, not as enthusiastically as he should. He sounds bitter, which is what he is, but he doesn't want Joonmyun to know. Joonmyun catches on however, because he slumps his shoulders. "You're not happy for me."
"No, of course I am." Jongin cups Joonmyun's face and kisses his frown away. "I'm so proud of you. You work so hard, you deserve a promotion."
Joonmyun burrows deeper into Jongin's embrace. He smells like warmth to Jongin. Home. "I'm glad you think so. I've been working there for years feeling like no one acknowledged my existence."
"So who do you want to invite for dinner?"
Joonmyun laughs awkwardly at Jongin's abrupt change of topic. Jongin's always been blunt, a trait depression cannot take away, only greatly intensify, but on occasion it still seems to take Joonmyun off guard.
"I thought it would be nice to have the gang back together, but not everyone can come. Kyungsoo's sick with a fever so he won't be available. I think Yixing's in the middle of renovating his house and Minseok's wife just had a baby so we can't expect them over either. Tao's in Brazil last I heard. Did you hear he may be going to the next Olympics with his team?" Jongin furrows his eyebrows. The only reason Joonmyun becomes a chatty gossip is when he doesn't want to tell Jongin something and he's stalling. Jongin just looks at him expectantly. "Oh right, well the one's who could come are Jongdae, Kris, Luhan, Sehun, Baekhyun, and-"
"Chanyeol," Jongin finishes. "If Baekhyun is coming then so is Chanyeol, right?"
Joonmyun kisses him, probably knowing Jongin can't be too mad at him if he kisses him. "Yes, but I think you guys need to patch things up."
"Patch what up? I haven't seen him in years."
"Exactly," Joonmyun sighs, fiddling with the buttons on Jongin's shirts. "Baekhyun told me Chanyeol has been going to therapy. He says he's been doing a lot better. He's made an effort to change his life around. I just wish we could be like old times."
"But we can't and you know why."
Joonmyun stands up and hunches forward, making himself small and sad looking. Joonmyun only sulks when he really wants something. "It's just a little dinner. We don't even have to go out, I'll invite them here. They'll be gone before eleven, I promise. They all want to see you, Jongin."
Jongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He can visualize all his old friends crowding up his safe haven, making jokes and bringing up past memories Jongin has struggled to repress. However, he also sees Joonmyun smiling, interacting and chatting with people he hasn't seen in a long time because of Jongin. "Okay, you can invite them," he says, opening his eyes to a smiling Joonmyun.
"Really? You're fine with it?"
"I'm fine with it."
Joonmyun smiles and kisses Jongin's forehead. "Great, I'll give them a call now. How does friday sound?"
"Sounds good," he says, and watches Joonmyun leave the room with an extra bounce in his step.
Jongin turns back to his work, and hopes he'll have a better grip on himself in 4 days. One can always hope.
*
"Are you ready? How do you feel? We can still cancel if you're not feeling up to it. Sure, I'd be disappointed but your wellbeing is more important to me. I think I should just cancel then, what do you think?"
Jongin stares at Joonmyun and smiles, finding his nervous worrying endearing rather then smothering. They're both already dressed, it's 12 minutes to 6 and Joonmyun is very much in character, talking about canceling at this rate. It's classic Joonmyun behavior and Jongin can't help but like seeing him a little riled up. "I told you I'm fine. Really, at this point, it would just be rude to cancel. Didn't Luhan have to push back his flight to China to come here tonight?"
Joonmyun nods, running his hands down Jongin's white dress shirt. Jongin doesn't know why Joonmyun made him dress up, but he guesses it must be part of his philosophy that when you look good, you feel good. Jongin applies that philosophy to smell, but he doesn't have the heart to tell Joonmyun he's at fault for his soap going so fast.
The doorbell rings and Jongin almost swallows his tongue out of nervousness. Joonmyun gives him a quick peck that has Jongin wishing they could cancel dinner and just kiss all night, and then goes to answer the door. Jongin runs a hand through his hair, which Joonmyun styled upwards the way Jongin knows he likes. Jongin shuts his eyes tight and counts to ten in his head to calm his nerves, wishing and hoping the first person is a small pill he can swallow.
"Jongin! What are you wishing me away or something? Why are your eyes closed, loser?"
It's Luhan. Jongin sighs in relief. Luhan is his fast-acting Ibuprofen, a little red pill that heals his aches and calms his nerves. Jongin is glad he's the first to arrive. Luhan crosses the threshold and hugs Jongin, taking him off guard because he saw him last month and they've never been too fond of hugging. "Sorry," Luhan says, pulling away. "I thought you'd need that tonight."
Jongin smiles and squeezes his arm in reassurance. "I picked the baby up on my way," Luhan says, looking at the door.
"Baby? What baby?"
Jongin's question is answered when Sehun walks in with a six pack of beer and a bouquet of flowers. Joonmyun gives him a look.
"What? I couldn't afford wine so I thought a little pretty flower bouquet would make up for it," Sehun says, acting defensive when Jongin knows for a fact he doesn't care. "Where's Jongin?" Joonmyun steps aside and ushers Sehun inside. Sehun smiles and puts the six pack and flowers on the counter before giving him a half-hug. "How've you been? I tried calling you a couple times but you're cell was turned off or something."
"I don't have a cellphone anymore," Jongin says simply, knowing the assault of questions Sehun's going to throw on him.
"You don't have a phone? How does one not have a phone in this era? Where do you play Fruit Ninja? How do you keep yourself informed on what's going on? Where do you keep your contacts? We both know you're not smart enough to remember so many numbers."
"I don't need one after I quit."
That seems to shut him up. Sehun shrugs and pats Jongin's shoulder. "I'm sorry about that by the way. After I moved companies I stopped keeping in touch with the other dancers. I'm sure they all miss you."
"Of course they miss him, he made you idiots look good," Luhan says from his spot on the couch. He's already made himself at home, flipping through channels while Joonmyun checks on Jongin's lasagna. Since quitting his job, Jongin has had a lot of time at home to himself. He thought he'd appreciate being alone for so long in the day, but he soon got bored and took up hobbies. His motivation waned with most of them but cooking stuck, and he's surprisingly good at it. Joonmyun and Jongin take turns cooking, but Jongin rather be in the kitchen doing something productive than staring at the wall, thinking of everything at once or nothing at all. Jongin doesn't know which one's worse yet.
"We weren't idiots," Sehun says. "We just didn't have real training like Jongin."
"Idiots," Luhan says mockingly.
Jongin stands there and pictures what it would be like if he chimed in, threw a joke at Sehun and laughed along with Luhan. He wonders what he'd be like if he were that type of person. He vaguely remembers being that person, a long time ago, before all this sickness started eating at him. He was simpler, easier to please and funner to be around. He senses Luhan staring at him, possibly expecting that person to come back again in this playful environment, but he turns around. Jongin hates disappointing people.
He goes into the kitchen and stares at Joonmyun as he prepares the salad. "When are the rest coming?"
Joonmyun jumps. "I didn't hear you come in. Jongdae just texted saying he's in traffic and Kris can't make it sadly."
Jongin waits.
"Oh uhmm, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are going to be a little late."
"How long?" Jongin asks.
"Probably 30 minutes or so." Joonmyun takes a few quick steps to hug Jongin to his chest, squeezing him so tight, like he's afraid he might fly away from him again. "Are you scared? Don't be scared, I won't let anything bad happen to you."
Jongin smiles, because that's what Joonmyun wants him to do, and he hugs him back, giving him a quick squeeze and then folding away. 10 more minutes before the lasagna is ready and they can sit down to eat. Jongin can get through this, he knows he can, he has to. If not for Joonmyun or anyone else, but for himself. He needs to do this for him.
25 minutes after they're all seated and enjoying their meal, Chanyeol and Baekhyun arrive. Fluttering apologies and charming comments about how nice the apartment looks flood out of Baekhyun's mouth while Chanyeol hangs back. He seems nervous, and Jongin can't remember the last time he saw him so anxious, looking around like on edge. Finally Chanyeol's eyes land on Jongin's and he half waves at him, half nervously twitches his hand in the air before putting it back in his pocket. It's not as scary as he thought, making eye contact with Chanyeol, but he can't hold it for long so he looks away quickly.
"Now we're all here," Joonmyun says, eyes glued on Jongin, trying to read his reaction. "Come, sit down, I know our table's pretty small but we can all squeeze together."
Baekhyun laughs pleasantly. "It's not small at all, we've all just gotten fatter." He looks around, toothy smile on display. "I can't believe you've had this apartment since college."
Joonmyun shakes his head. "I can't believe it either." He looks at Jongin, his smile wavering when he sees his blank expression.
Chanyeol waits for Baekhyun to sit down first and then fits his chair behind him, away from the other's, kind of like how Jongin sits behind Joonmyun. Jongin doesn't know what to think of the similarity.
Joonmyun cuts two slices of lasagna and passes the plates down to them. "Jongin made it," Joonmyun says, with a proud smile that hurts Jongin to the core, because Joonmyun can't smile like that about him all the time, because the most fulfilling thing he does is make lasagna.
"Well let's hope he isn't trying to poison us," Baekhyun says and shoots Jongin a dramatic wink he would have reciprocated before, but he can't get himself to do it now.
Jongdae clears his throat, hoping to dissolve the awkward tension. "It's great Jongin, better than the stale one my girlfriend makes."
Jongin smiles at that, because Jongdae is always poking fun at his girlfriend when she isn't around. Anyone else would wonder if he even likes her at all, but Jongin knows that's how he showcases his affection.
They eat calmly, with everyone exchanging friendly banter except for Chanyeol and Jongin who watch rather than participate. Luhan talks of how his work is going in China and the companies expansion to America going smoothly. He informs everyone that Yixing's new house is huge and he invites them all to come visit once it's done. Sehun jokes about his new students and their eagerness to become mini Michael Jacksons while possessing the dance talent of dead slugs. Jongdae avoids boring anyone with his work, but he insists marketing isn't as bad as it sounds on the surface. He also admits he wants to get married, but his girlfriend wants her older sister to get married first. Baekhyun talks the most. He rants about work and his coworkers, the price of gas, and how he constantly has to convince his landlord that Chanyeol isn't going to punch a hole through the wall again. Jongin looks at Chanyeol to catch his reaction, but his face says he's used to it, to Baekhyun talking about him like he's not there, and it looks like he's not really listening anyway.
After dinner, Chanyeol makes his way towards Jongin's side and asks if they can talk in private for a moment. Joonmyun notices and starts to get up, but Jongin shakes his head and Joonmyun sits down again. Jongin has been dreading this, but he rather get it over with quickly, like when you have a band aid sticking to the little hairs on your arm and you rip it off in one swift motion. It stings at first but it hurts more to peel it off slowly. Jongin doesn't want to drag this on.
They walk out onto the balcony and Chanyeol instantly takes out his cigarette box. He puts one to his lips, but pauses. "You mind?"
Jongin shakes his head. He quit a year ago, but he still likes being reminded of the smell from time to time. Chanyeol lights it and takes a deep inhale, closing his eyes, and Jongin momentarily itches to ask for one. He doesn't though. He knows why he quit.
"So, I heard you've been going to therapy," Jongin says first, because he knows Chanyeol and he knows how he doesn't like silence but he doesn't like to be the first one to talk either. He's peculiar that way, and Jongin wants this conversation to end as soon as possible and that can only happen if it starts first.
"And you stopped," Chanyeol counterattacks, but he doesn't sound superior, he even seems a little concerned.
"I have my reasons." Jongin leans forward against the railing and exhales slowly. He remembers standing here a little over a year ago, looking down and hoping the wind would push him over so he wouldn't have to muster up the courage to do it himself.
"I'm sure you do," Chanyeol says, sucking in another nicotine filled breath. His t-shirt clings to his wing-like shoulder blades when he leans forward and Jongin can't seem to look away.
"You look thin," he tells him.
Chanyeol scoffs. "Look who's talking," he says, eyes roving over Jongin's entire body. He narrows his eyes and smirks.
Jongin turns away from him, feeling self-conscious. "I've been trying to gain weight."
"Trying isn't the same as actually doing it." Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "Is that what you tell Joonmyun, that you're trying?"
Jongin looks at him out of the corner of his eye. "Are you going to give me a free therapy session I didn't ask for?"
Chanyeol raises his hands and shrugs. "I guess I want to apologize."
"You guess?" Jongin asks. "How is that something you 'guess' you want to do?"
"Damn it, Jongin, could you let my balls breathe for a second? I'm trying here."
"Trying isn't the same as doing," Jongin recites back to him, smiling when he frowns.
"You can be a real smartass sometimes," Chanyeol looks around and stubs his cigarette. "I shouldn't be smoking. Baekhyun doesn't know I didn't totally quit."
"I'm not a four year old, Chanyeol, I'm not going to tell on you."
Chanyeol shrugs. "Just in case you wanted to mention it to someone. I don't know how your brain works anymore, I haven't seen you in a long time."
You never knew how my brain worked, that's why we are like we are. Jongin wishes he could say that to Chanyeol, if only to see his response, but the words don't come out. They rattle around his brain but don't leave through his mouth.
"I guess I just want to tell you I'm sorry about how things went down between us. We were too destructive for each other, and I've always been an asshole to you. I don't know, maybe I was jealous of you all this time, or maybe I just wanted to hurt you for no reason," Chanyeol sighs, pulling his hair out of his face. "We were too alike with our problems and whenever I saw you happy it made me angry. Because if I was as messed up as you, why couldn't I be happy too? So I purposely made you suffer. I didn't want to suffer by myself."
Jongin nods. For the first time in his life, he can almost understand Chanyeol, grasp at his inner fears and thoughts. Maybe because they're etched all over his face. "We both did things we regret. I can't judge you anymore than you can judge me. I guess we're even now."
Chanyeol looks at him and smiles a little. He looks satisfied, as if he'd lowered his expectations waiting for Jongin to refuse his apology. Jongin is too tired to keep harboring hate towards someone who's just as screwed over as him.
"How are you and Joonmyun?" Chanyeol asks. "He seems happy."
"He's always happy." Except when you make him worry, a little voice says in the back of Jongin's head that he wishes he could ignore. "But yeah, we're doing good. He's the only thing keeping me in one piece."
Chanyeol nods, his lips press together for an instant, thinking about what to say, and then he shakes his head and nods again. Jongin can almost see the thoughts derailing in his brain. "Baekhyun and I had a rough patch a few months ago but now we're back on track," he says, avoiding Jongin's eyes. "It was horrible, we couldn't even have sex."
Jongin feels a chill run down his spine and he doesn't know if it's the cold or a thousand little worms eating at him at once. Chanyeol looks at him and narrows his eyes at his expression. Without a qualm in the world, he asks, "when was the last time you had sex?"
Jongin chokes on air. He knows Chanyeol can be a bit unforgiving, but he didn't think their conversation would take such a hard left turn. "I don't...that's none of your business."
"It's all of my business," Chanyeol says lazily. For the first time in a year, Jongin really looks at Chanyeol's eyes. They're foggy and clouded, and his eyelids droop like he hasn't slept in days.
"Are you on something right now?"
Chanyeol laughs. "Now you notice? Damn, you're out of it tonight." He fishes through his pant's pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. "I've been taking these for 5 months now."
Jongin looks at them and takes them in his hand, reading the label with careful eyes. "Why do you carry them around?"
"Just in case," Chanyeol says, and something about his eyes tells Jongin he likes having a loaded gun ready for later. Jongin swallows and hands them back to him. "Now answer my question," Chanyeol says, putting them in his pocket, "when did you last have sex with your boyfriend?"
"I can't remember," Jongin admits, deciding to be honest with Chanyeol, because if he needs his pills with him at all times, he's a lot more vulnerable than Jongin.
"That's bad," Chanyeol presses his hands to his sides. "Is it because he doesn't want to or your-"
"I just can't get myself to do it. I don't know what's wrong with me," Jongin combs back his hair and then messes it up. "Sometimes I can picture myself doing it, I undress him and everything, but then I'm stuck and I can't move or do anything."
"Was it like this when you were going to therapy?"
"What are you some therapy advocate now?"
Chanyeol raises his hands and shrugs. "I'm just asking."
"Yes, no, sometimes. I've been like this for a while now. I can't remember if therapy made it better or worse."
"And you're not taking anything for it?"
Jongin arches an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean? Like one of those enhancers?"
"Yeah," Chanyeol sticks his hand back in his pocket and takes out another bottle. "These help me with Baekhyun when I'm not totally into it but he's ready to go."
Jongin frowns. "I don't want to force myself with Joonmyun." He wants it to be natural, beautiful, spontaneous and freeing like it used to.
"Well it's not going to just happen because you will it to. Just take a few," Chanyeol says, uncapping the bottle and shoving a few in Jongin's jacket pocket. "Thank me later."
"I'm not going to use them," Jongin says. "So I won't need to thank you."
"Just hold on to them." Chanyeol looks down at Jongin for a second and then smiles. "So are we okay, you and me?"
Jongin shrugs. "I guess. I hope you keep doing better."
Chanyeol looks at Jongin, eyes narrowed for a moment, until a smile takes over his face. Jongin can't remember if that's what his fake smiles look like, but he decides not to dwell on it. "You too," Chanyeol says, "let's go back inside."
Jongin breathes in and out and opens the sliding door. Joonmyun and Jongdae are eating cake and Luhan is beating Sehun at some video game Jongin hasn't played in years. Baekhyun's on the phone and gives them a thumbs up as soon as he sees them and Chanyeol goes to stand beside him. Jongin observes quietly for a moment and sighs.
He goes over to Joonmyun's side and leans on the counter. Jongdae's smile takes over his whole face as he slides his plate over to Jongin. "Take a bite, I bought it at some French pastry place. You look like you could do good by gaining some weight."
Jongin shies away from his poking fingers and leans into Joonmyun's side. Joonmyun rests his arm over his shoulders and frowns. Jongin guesses he must have felt the sharp edges so he moves away but Joonmyun holds him back. "Don't listen to him. You're perfect."
Jongdae laughs at Luhan cursing Sehun out for winning and Baekhyun starts doing one of his impersonations he used to bother everyone with during college. It's astounding how normal everyone is, how everyone falls back into their designated roles in the group. A part of Jongin misses this, but a bigger part of him hates them for reminding him how screwed up he is now, and how no matter what, he doesn't fit in with them anymore.
"What's wrong?" Joonmyun asks, seeing the haze in Jongin's eyes. "Are you tired?" he whispers. "Do you want me to tell everyone to go home?"
Jongin leans into his side and shrugs. "I think I'll just go lay down for a while."
"I'll go with you."
"No, stay." Jongin moves away from Joonmyun and musters a smile. "I'm fine. Really."
Joonmyun hesitates, his hand now around Jongin's waist. "You sure?"
Jongdae laughs, his tongue pocking out at the corner of his mouth. "Joonmyun, leave him be he's not a child. Go lay down," Jongdae tells Jongin, shoving him towards the room. "I'll entertain mommy for a while."
Joonmyun laughs and Jongin cracks a smile. He goes into their room and lays on the bed with a thump. He looks up at the ceiling and wonders how long they'll be here, invading his space like humans in an animal's natural habitat. Jongin feels like the kid who used to hide out in his room whenever distant relatives were over for a visit. He's the boy who outgrew Disney World and rather sit on a bench the entire trip. He rolls over and feels something press against his thigh; the pills. He should probably flush them now before Joonmyun finds them, so he gets up and goes to the bathroom. However, he catches his reflection in the mirror for the first time all night.
He's all jagged edges and rough patches of dry skin, and he can't see the boy Joonmyun fell in love with all those years ago. The timid, apprehensive and indecisive teenager that wanted all of Joonmyun all the time but had no idea how to word his feelings. He still doesn't know, but he's gotten worse. Joonmyun's held on with him through his meltdowns, his erratic behavior, his therapy, his medical bills, his hospitalizations, his suicide watch, his agony, his self loathing...the list seems to never end. Jongin rakes a hand through his hair and wishes for normalcy. He fists a hand in his pocket and looks at the pills, hesitates for a moment and finally decides to change his life, take charge of it all again. Then he waits.
*
Joonmyun comes in with an easy smile and Jongin can tell he's had a bit to drink. He walks over to the bed where Jongin's laying on his side and puts a hand on his hip.
"Jongin, are you awake?"
"I am."
"I'm sorry they stayed so long."
"It's fine"
He leans over to read the clock. "It's already past midnight. You said you wanted them out by eleven."
"This is your apartment."
Joonmyun giggles. "I guess you're right. Are you okay though? I left you here for a long while."
"I'm fine." Jongin hesitates, takes a deep breath and turns around. Joonmyun's hand falls on his stomach and he laughs again. Jongin looks up into his eyes and kisses him, firm and with purpose.
Joonmyun presses towards him, his hands going up to Jongin's disheveled hair, to grip and pull closer. Joonmyun's lips are soju and cake, and Jongin could drown in the taste forever, but there are other places his lips need to be too. First he takes on the task of trailing his mouth down Joonmyun's neck, behind his ear, and along his jaw, in places he hasn't kissed in a while. He doesn't dwell on the tremble in the hands he places on Joonmyun's chest as he takes off his shirt. He allows the nervousness to spring him on, push him that much harder. Jongin is a marathon runner, and Joonmyun is the race he's been training for his entire life. Nothing matters more to him than holding Joonmyun and praising his body with his own broken hands.
"Are you sure you want to-" Joonmyun's words come out like a soft whisper he's afraid to utter, but he does anyway because he loves Jongin more than he fears rejection.
"I've never wanted anything more," Jongin says, lips hovering over Joonmyun's pale chest. Not a spot or mark in sight; such pure skin, Jongin wonders if he's ever touched it before, or if all the times in his head are fabrications of his deepest desires. There's no way someone as dirty as Jongin has ever touched him. Joonmyun's skin is like a pond of crystalline water Jongin wants to swim, float, and live in, for the rest of his sad life. He continues to undress Joonmyun, and as the night progresses, Jongin starts to relearn every hidden crevice of the only person he's ever loved.
The next morning, Jongin's nose is awoken before the rest of his senses. Then his ears hear cutting, feet shuffling and cupboards opening and closing. His eyes open to see the curtains pulled apart, allowing the sun to illuminate the room. Jongin rolls over in the bed into Joonmyun's pillow, the smell of last night and his soap infiltrate his entire being, making him smile. He gets up and puts on a pair of Joonmyun's sweatpants that smell of detergent but still of him and goes into the kitchen. What he sees is a sight he wishes he could harbor into the front of his memory and keep there for his bad days. Joonmyun, shirtless and carefree, singing along to a song in his head, putting their breakfast on plates with a full smile on his happy face. He looks up when he hears Jongin and his smile grows, amazingly enough.
"You're up!"
"I am."
"Come here." Joonmyun reaches his hands out and Jongin hugs him, wraps his arms around his smaller frame, and kisses his forehead. The warmth is as comforting as anything, and they hold on to each other for as long as they can. Joonmyun's heartbeat thrums alongside Jongin's chest, causing him to hug him tighter before pulling away.
"What's all this?" he asks.
"I made breakfast."
Jongin gives him a look.
"Okay! I bought breakfast, but it's the thought that counts anyway, right?"
"It looks delicious. Thank you."
Joonmyun smiles and takes something off the counter and hands it to Jongin.
"A sunflower? What's this for?"
"It's for you. I saw it by the cash register and it made me think of you."
"Because you thought it would be ironic?"
Joonmyun laughs and kisses Jongin's hand. "No, because you surprised me last night, and sunflowers are big and surprising and they make me happy. Just take it."
Jongin takes it in his hand and feels the fuzzy, fake petals. It's prettier than most fake flowers, and it makes him frown because maybe Jongin is a fake flower. All the same parts as a real one but when you get too close to it, you realize it's an imposter and it will never smell or be like the real thing, but you buy it anyway cause you feel bad for it. Suddenly, Jongin feels angry, furious all over at the thought of him being broken. He knows he's not completely whole, but having the reminder in his face makes him incredibly upset. Jongin's hands shake slightly. He hates getting these episodes because the anger boils up and consumes him without warning.
"What's with the frown?" Joonmyun asks, his own smile faltering slightly.
Jongin takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to explode. He hasn't had an episode in months, he can control this one. He feels his face heat up but he tries his best to relax. His last episode was because Joonmyun came home late. The stupidest things sets him off, and he knows he can work harder not to let this affect him. Joonmyun stares at him as if he's afraid Jongin might sprout wings at any moment.
"I'm fine," Jongin says softly, calculating his words.
Joonmyun keeps staring at him. "Are you sure? Is it about the flower?"
Jongin looks at the flower and his anger bubbles up again, but he takes a deep breath. "No, I'm fine, really." He smiles at Joonmyun, feeling the edges of his mouth pulling apart forcibly. Jongin knows Joonmyun can tell when he fakes a smile, but this time Joonmyun just smiles back at him and goes into their room. One of Joonmyun's many wonderful traits is that he knows when to leave Jongin alone. He knows when to give Jongin a life line so he can drift away for a while before coming back to rest on his shores. Jongin never goes too far, but the distance is necessary, especially when he's keeping parts of himself hidden that might eventually surface without his control. Jongin can only float while he waits for the inevitable.
*
A week later they have lunch with Kris because Joonmyun wanted to see him after Kris missed dinner. It's a sunny day and Jongin appreciates the way the sun touches his skin.
"So when was the last time you talked to Tao, he's impossible to reach nowadays," Joonmyun says, spooning more rice and meat into Jongin's bowl with a sideways smile at him. Jongin rolls his eyes at him but he loves the subtle affection.
"I last talked to him in February I think. He's been training like crazy," Kris tells him, digging into his own bowl of Korean food. "He said he'd be back home for the summer."
"That's nice," Joonmyun says. "We're really proud of him, right Jongin?"
"Yeah," Jongin says.
"Not as proud as I am of you," Kris says, his eyes on Jongin. "You look really good. A little skinny but good."
Jongin doesn't know what to say to that so he just smiles a little. He knows Kris means well, but the way he says it makes it obvious that Jongin used to be a lot worse. That should reassure Jongin, that he's recovering and it's evident, but it just makes him feel like he still has too much to go before he's considered normal again.
"I'm really proud of you too," Joonmyun says, his hand squeezing Jongin's under the table.
Jongin feels his face flush, and he's glad that at least Joonmyun's compliments still make him content like they used to. He manages a smile for him, a smile that Joonmyun matches and outshines brilliantly with his own.
"I have to go to the bathroom," Joonmyun says, ruining the moment with a sweet chuckle. Jongin laughs at him and watches him go to the back of the restaurant until he's out of sight.
"You really make him happy, you know that?" Kris asks, after a moment of silence.
Jongin scoffs. "No I don't."
"You do," Kris insists. "If you didn't, he wouldn't be with you."
Jongin feels his face burn up at the thought of Joonmyun leaving him, but Kris is looking at him with so much earnest in his eyes. He actually believes Jongin could make Joonmyun happy, flaws and all. "I mean it, Jongin. You've made him happy since the first moment you met. I still remember how excited he was, telling me about the cute dancer he'd met on campus." Kris laughs, "he was like a child on Christmas day."
Jongin shakes his head but doesn't say anything. He didn't know he'd left an impression on Joonmyun from the moment they'd met.
"And he was like that for a week until he saw you again. I thought he was being a creep for stalking a freshman, but I guess he knew how special you'd be to him." Kris smiles, but then, as if realizing how mushy he's being, shrugs and says, "I don't want to be a sap or anything, but you should know that Joonmyun's lucky to have you too, and not just the other way around."
Jongin frowns. "Did someone...tell you to say this?"
Kris tilts his head. "Jongdae might have mentioned something."
Jongin makes a face. "You're all a bunch of gossips."
Kris laughs, but before he can defend himself presumably, someone clears their throat beside him.
Jongin looks up at Joonmyun, receipt in hand. "You're done?" Jongin asks.
"Yes, and I payed," he says. Beaming at them both. "Anything wrong?" he asks when they don't beam back.
"No," Jongin answers, cleaning his hands on a napkin.
"Well, come on, handsome," Joonmyun says, extending his hand to Jongin. "Let's go home."
Joonmyun goes ahead first to get the car and Jongin hangs back with Kris. "Thanks," he says softly, "I appreciate the gesture of, you know, letting me know I'm not sinking this relationship."
Kris stares at him, amazed. Jongin doesn't normally make comments about the status of his relationship with Joonmyun, but he feels brave, or weak, he doesn't know which constitutes letting yourself be vulnerable.
"Any time," Kris says, "And you should also know that all of us have always been jealous of your relationship." He winks at Jongin when the valet brings his car, and then waves at him once he sets off. A while later Joonmyun brings their car up too.
The drive home is actually delightful, because Joonmyun has the radio on softly and he's chatting about their lunch, saying how proud he is of Jongin.
"You don't have to be," Jongin says, leaning his head back to look at Joonmyun's blinding smile.
"Yes, I do. You are amazing, Jongin. This is why you're my sunflower. I just--I'm so proud to be your boyfriend. Every day you make me prouder. Every day you get out of bed makes you stronger in my eyes. I don't say this enough, but you are stronger than anyone I've ever met, Jongin."
The words make Jongin's chest burst. After they are back in their apartment and they've put away their leftovers, they sit down to watch a movie Jongin doesn't see because he's too busy admiring Joonmyun. When Joonmyun sheds a tear during the scene where the boy gets reunited with his dog, Jongin is there to wipe it away. Jongin wishes every day were like today.
*
Sadly, that would mean Jongin isn't sick. And he is. One afternoon when he's feeling nostalgic and looking at old photographs, he realizes how sick he is.
Summer 2008, 5 months into his relationship with Joonmyun and they're at the beach. Jongin is actually smiling. His skin is dark because they went to the beach every day that summer. They both look so happy, that elation of a new relationship evident on their faces. Another one of them drinking soju. One of Joonmyun shaving. Five of Jongin sleeping. A few of Jongdae and Luhan making faces. One of Sehun and Jongin, their boyish faces grinning obnoxiously at each other.
Fall 2009, a glimpse of them painting the apartment together. Jongin had just recently moved in. They decide to paint the apartment blue. Their shirts are stained and there's a handprint on Joonmyun's pants. Jongin couldn't stop touching him in the beginning. There are a few of Joonmyun in the kitchen, hanging picture frames in the living room. Them at the zoo. More of Jongin sleeping. A lot of pictures of Jongin practicing his choreography around the living room. One of Joonmyun passed out on the couch. One of Jongin and Luhan yelling at the tv during a sports game. Two pictures of two different sunsets and both have Joonmyun's finger in the lense.
Winter 2010, Jongin bought Joonmyun his first suitcase. They were both so excited his interview went smoothly. In the picture, Joonmyun is holding the suitcase like a shield in front of his chest and Jongin is laughing at him. Jongin can't remember ever being so happy. There is one of Joonmyun working at his desk. A few pictures of flower arrangements Jongin would send to Joonmyun's office. Three pictures of Jongin with Joonmyun's family. A few of Joonmyun and Jongin in the snow.
Summer 2011, a blurry photo of Jongin and Joonmyun kissing. It looks like it was taken at a karaoke room, the ones Joonmyun loved so much. It was the final gathering before Luhan and Yixing moved to China. There are 10 photos of that night, a lot of them blurry and unfocused. They got so drunk that night that Luhan called Jongin the next day to complain about how much his head hurt during his flight. That was one of the last moments Jongin was happy with his friends. He didn't know it then, but a few months later he'd be on his way to rock bottom.
Spring 2012, the first signs of Jongin's disease started creeping up. His moods changed, his patience thinned, his anger became more prominent. There's a picture of Joonmyun by the pool and his foot is bandaged. Jongin remembers that day, they'd fought all morning because Jongin was guilty for dropping a vase on Joonmyun's foot. He'd been angry and he'd wanted to hurt Joonmyun as much as he felt pain all the time. Joonmyun insisted they have a good time. Two weeks later, Jongin was in the hospital.
The pictures dwindle after that; the photo album left half empty. There haven't been many more moments Jongin would say are worth remembering. The thought frightens Jongin. Seeing the nothingness that have been the past years makes him sad for Joonmyun. While Jongin's been struggling with his own inner demons, Joonmyun's been living a half empty life.
Jongin wonders why anyone would stay with someone so broken and useless.
*
Jongin's trapped, drowning. The room is cluttered, but he can't distinguish anything, can't make anything out. His hands tremble behind his back; why are they tied? The back of his neck hurts, like he's been sitting in the wrong position for too long. He looks around but there's nothing to see. There's a window but it's barred and the realization that he might not be able to get out claws at his chest like a harmless dog with untrimmed nails. Jongin can't breathe. His legs are free, but he can't get up. He can't get off the uncomfortable chair he's in. And then he hears it, faintly at first, but then louder and with more insistence. Someone calling his name, but not just anyone; Joonmyun. His voice comes from nowhere specific and everywhere all at once. It rushes through Jongin's entire being, engulfing him like a wave. It's comforting, but then he yells at him, and continues yelling at him. He's calling him all sorts of disgusting things Jongin knows he is, but never thought he'd hear Joonmyun call him. Jongin's skin boils like acid was just poured on him and it came on the wavelengths of Joonmyun's voice. Jongin's shaking now, trying to use his shoulders to cover his ears, but it's no use. Joonmyun's abuse grows louder, his anger rising at Jongin trying to protect himself. Jongin moves violently from side to side and then a hand is on his shoulder, but then the hand is gone when Jongin falls on his face.
"Jongin!" Joonmyun jumps out of bed and gets on the floor next to Jongin. "My God, Jongin what's wrong?"
"What-what? Where am I?"
Joonmyun looks hurt in his eyes, but psychically too; his lip is bleeding.
"You're home, Jongin," Joonmyun reassures him. "You were having a nightmare."
Jongin's hands go up to cup Joonmyun's face. His left hand curls around his cut lip and he brings it back to his own mouth. "You're bleeding..."
"Yeah, you-" Joonmyun helps Jongin up, looking away, "you kinda punched me in the face."
"I what?" Jongin asks, sitting down hard on the bed.
"It was just an accident. I know it was. You were mumbling and your hand came up," Joonmyun shakes his head, "I was in the way, it was my fault anyway."
Jongin's mind races and comes up short. "Joonmyun, nothing I do to you is ever your fault."
Joonmyun reads the sincerity in Jongin's eyes and sighs, leaning on him slightly. "I'm just glad you're okay. You scared the shit out of me."
"I'm so sorry. I was-I was having a nightmare."
"Do you want to...talk about it?" Joonmyun asks, always hesitant when it comes to Jongin talking about the feelings he tries so hard to suppress.
"Let's do something about that lip first, please?" Jongin asks. "I can't stand to look at it."
Joonmyun laughs, if only to try and make Jongin feel better, but he feels like shit dragged across vomit and doubts he'll feel better any time soon. They go to the kitchen and Jongin watches Joonmyun take the medicine supplies from under the sink. The doctor said not to let Jongin touch the medical supplies because of what happened last time, so now Joonmyun's the one in charge.
"Let me at least put the band aid on?" Jongin asks asks, his nails dragging across the counter repeatedly, like he wants to claw the gloss off. Joonmyun smiles at him and walks around the counter, fitting himself between Jongin's legs. Instantly, Jongin hugs him to his body, and struggles not to sob into his chest. The world is blurry and the only thing in focus is Joonmyun, but he comes in and out out of view, like he's bouncing from a dream state to reality and back again. Jongin takes a deep breath before pulling away and takes the bandaid Joonmyun gives him and places it under his lip, where the cut contrasts angrily against his perfect skin.
"You okay?" Joonmyun asks, tipping Jongin's chin upwards.
"I'm a piece of shit," Jongin spits out bitterly.
"You're not."
"I am. I am, Joonmyun." He huffs angrily, wringing his hands under his back. "Who does this to the person they love?" he asks, gesturing to Joonmyun's cut face.
"It was an a-"
"Accident? How many accidents are you going to forgive from me? What else do I have to before you leave me?"
Joonmyun takes a step back, electrocuted by Jongin's curt words. "Are you trying to-"
"No I'm not trying to push you away, but I mean what will I do that finally makes you break? What if it's not your toe or your lip but your neck? What if the next thing I break is your back or you-"
Joonmyun's trembling, but he does a great job at concealing it as cold. "Jongin, I love you. I will always love you. Your disease is horrible but it isn't you. I know you and I know you'd never hurt me, not if you can help it."
"But I can't always help it. Don't you see Joonmyun? Now it's your lip but what could it be next time? I don't want to hurt you anymore because I rather not be with you than hurt you anymore."
Joonmyun hugs himself. Although he's always been shorter than Jongin, he's never seemed so small before. "Well I don't feel the same. I rather you beat the shit out of me than not be with you. I don't
know what life is without you and I don't want to find out. I love you, Jongin. Don't YOU get that? You mean more to me than...than everything. I need you."
"No you don't," Jongin curves forward, deflating. "You've never needed me."
"Who says?" Joonmyun stands straight, making himself big again. "If anyone would be ruined by the end of this relationship, it would be me."
"Don't bullshit me."
"I'm not bullshitting you. Jongin, if you left me, you'd live with your parents or someone else. But I'd wonder about you every second of every day. I'd probably visit you just to see you. I need you more than you need me. I always have."
Jongin bites his lip, because under all the disease and the problems, there's some truth to his words. He does need Joonmyun, but Joonmyun's entire life revolves around taking care of Jongin, if he didn't have that...well he'd be happy, but he'd have nothing.
"I can't just leave you and find someone else to love. Someone "whole" as you'd call it. You're mine and I'm yours and that's just how it is. I don't want anyone else and I don't want you any other way," Joonmyun says.
Jongin crumbles, just like that. A million leggo bricks from the empire he's been carrying on his back fall and crash around him. He looks up at Joonmyun's teary eyes and realizes that for Jongin to ever recover, he needs to stop fighting the only person who's ever wanted him to win. For Jongin to recover, he can't see Joonmyun as an enemy he needs to keep his secrets from. For Jongin to be the boy Joonmyun fell in love with, he has to let Joonmyun love him, all of him, not just the good parts. The realization hits him in the gut like a dozen daggers ripping him from his selfish world. All Jongin has to do is let Joonmyun in.
So he does.
A/N: so i'm pretty sure this is the most masochistic thing I've ever written. sorry about that. also a chankai backstory is coming up and a continuation of this so yeah this fic is not over but I just could not keep reading this. hurts my own heart too much. hopefully that'll make up for the sucky open ending orz