By the Book (fic)
Title: By the Book
Author: daisylily
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What's in the package on Wilson's desk? House and Wilson try something new.
Word count: 1001
Note and/or warning: This started out as one of those fics where you take a book and use the first sentence on page 10, 20, 30 (and so on) as inspiration. Technically, it still is, but possibly not in the way you'd expect.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: I own neither House nor Wilson, more's the pity. They belong to David Shore and Fox.
This is a birthday present for deelaundry, who is an exceedingly amazing person and a wonderful friend. Happy birthday!
Hey, House.
Hmm? Oh, you brought me a gift! How thoughtful, Jimmy.
You could use a little work on the sincerity, House, and given how long you took to open the last gift I gave you, I'm thinking it will be a while before you get another. No, someone left this on my desk.
Gimme!
I thought you might say that. Here.
Oh. The World According to Garp. Well, that's boring. Here, you can have it back.
You could just pass it to me, you know. Ah, there's a lett - Yes, House, why don't you read it. It's only addressed to me, after all.
Actually, it isn't. Interesting.
Well? Are you going to read it, or just sit there looking smug?
I'll look smug and you can read it.
So kind... "Dear Doctors House and Wilson, I think this might interest you. Call it therapy, if you like."
What, reading Garp? I read it years ago. It -
Shut up, House, there's more. "Take the book and open it at page ten. Read out the first sentence. See what memories it evokes. Do the same with page twenty, thirty and so on." It's signed "A Well-Wisher".
Why the hell would we want to do that?
We may as well see what it says on page ten. It's... a blank page. That's not very helpful.
It doesn't evoke any memories for me, either. Unless you count the blank face you do when you're pretending not to notice me making suggestive gestures at Cuddy behind her back. Yes, that one.
Thank you so much, House. Page twenty... That's more like it. "Jenny kept her hand on the scalpel inside her purse; with her other hand, she held the purse tightly in her white lap."
That's the bit where she cut up the rapist sitting next to her in the movie theater. That was cool.
I don't think you're supposed to call up memories of the book.
Why not? That's what the sentence made me think of.
And he wasn't a rapist anyway, he was just making a move on her.
I was impressed when she slit his whole arm open with the scalpel. My kind of woman.
I suppose we'd better see what's on page thirty. "He was a better shot than Garp, but the ball turret was where Garp wished he could be."
That's the bit where we hear about Garp's father. He was in the Eighth Air Force.
Okay, this is clearly not going to work. I give u -
We could always try a different book.
We're in your office, House; it's not exactly Princeton Public Library.
Does it say anywhere in that letter that it has to be a work of fiction?
You know it doesn't; I read you the whole thing.
Well, go get a book from the conference room, then.
Yes, oh master. Is there anything else you desire?
Since you ask, yes; I'd like a blow job, followed by a nap in my nice comfy chair, but let's do this book thing first.
I hate you.
No you don't.
Here, how about this?
Dynamic Differential Diagnosis? Good choice. Okay, we'll go with this, then. And stop pouting.
Not improving your chances of getting a blow job anytime soon.
I'll make it worth your while.
You should try that expression on your new team; I don't think they've seen that one yet.
Just for that, you can read the sentences.
For the record, if you knock me out by throwing Dynamic Differential Diagnosis at my head, no one will be getting a blow job today. Okay, page ten... it's a table of possible causes of upper left quadrant abdominal pain.
Better go with page eleven, then.
"For this reason, the astute clinician will want to have a good list of possibilities in mind." That doesn't make me think of anything in particular; it's way too vague.
It makes me think of how wonderful and talented I am.
You do surprise me. We can try page twenty. "Omissions of the systemic diseases and diseases of other abdominal organs that not infrequently cause epigastric pain is inexcusable."
That makes me think of how often my new lackeys manage the so-called inexcusable.
That's not a memory, it's a thought. This isn't working very well, either.
It's your fault, you chose the book. Try the sentence at the end of the next paragraph.
"A further circle covers the brain and testicles." Have you memorized this book, by any chance?
Well, duh. "Brain and testicles". That makes me think of me.
Perhaps we should get you a t-shirt with that on it.
I could wear it when I do clinic duty.
It would certainly act as a warning for the patients. Or anyone else, really. Never mind, we'll try page thirty. Hmm. A diagram of possible causes of chest pain. You'd be dead if you had all those conditions at once.
Try page seventy-two.
"Penile pain", and a diagram of the male reproductive system. If you're trying to tell me that you're a pain in the ass, that's the wrong picture.
Ha ha. I was thinking it might turn you on.
Not with all those hideous diseases drawn on it, no. Or are you trying to tell me that you have gonorrhea or herpes? And please don't leer at me like that, it's mildly terrifying.
Why don't we give up on the books and just try word association? You give me a word and I'll say the first thing that comes into my head.
Okay. Hmm... Me.
Penis.
Am I supposed to say the first thing that comes into my head now?
Nope, you just feed me the words. The 'coming' part is later.
...
Give me another word.
Hospital.
Penis.
MRI.
Penis.
You know, I'm sensing a theme here. I seem to remember asking you once before if you were five.
Penis.
Are you trying to hint, oh-so-subtly, that you would like that blow job now?
Penis.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Note:
The books referred to are:
The World According to Garp by John Irving, which I would highly recommend.
Dynamic Differential Diagnosis by R Douglas Collins, which I got from Amazon after seeing Foreman (in a promo shot) standing in front of one of the shelves in the conference room, with the book behind him.
Author: daisylily
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What's in the package on Wilson's desk? House and Wilson try something new.
Word count: 1001
Note and/or warning: This started out as one of those fics where you take a book and use the first sentence on page 10, 20, 30 (and so on) as inspiration. Technically, it still is, but possibly not in the way you'd expect.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: I own neither House nor Wilson, more's the pity. They belong to David Shore and Fox.
This is a birthday present for deelaundry, who is an exceedingly amazing person and a wonderful friend. Happy birthday!
Hey, House.
Hmm? Oh, you brought me a gift! How thoughtful, Jimmy.
You could use a little work on the sincerity, House, and given how long you took to open the last gift I gave you, I'm thinking it will be a while before you get another. No, someone left this on my desk.
Gimme!
I thought you might say that. Here.
Oh. The World According to Garp. Well, that's boring. Here, you can have it back.
You could just pass it to me, you know. Ah, there's a lett - Yes, House, why don't you read it. It's only addressed to me, after all.
Actually, it isn't. Interesting.
Well? Are you going to read it, or just sit there looking smug?
I'll look smug and you can read it.
So kind... "Dear Doctors House and Wilson, I think this might interest you. Call it therapy, if you like."
What, reading Garp? I read it years ago. It -
Shut up, House, there's more. "Take the book and open it at page ten. Read out the first sentence. See what memories it evokes. Do the same with page twenty, thirty and so on." It's signed "A Well-Wisher".
Why the hell would we want to do that?
We may as well see what it says on page ten. It's... a blank page. That's not very helpful.
It doesn't evoke any memories for me, either. Unless you count the blank face you do when you're pretending not to notice me making suggestive gestures at Cuddy behind her back. Yes, that one.
Thank you so much, House. Page twenty... That's more like it. "Jenny kept her hand on the scalpel inside her purse; with her other hand, she held the purse tightly in her white lap."
That's the bit where she cut up the rapist sitting next to her in the movie theater. That was cool.
I don't think you're supposed to call up memories of the book.
Why not? That's what the sentence made me think of.
And he wasn't a rapist anyway, he was just making a move on her.
I was impressed when she slit his whole arm open with the scalpel. My kind of woman.
I suppose we'd better see what's on page thirty. "He was a better shot than Garp, but the ball turret was where Garp wished he could be."
That's the bit where we hear about Garp's father. He was in the Eighth Air Force.
Okay, this is clearly not going to work. I give u -
We could always try a different book.
We're in your office, House; it's not exactly Princeton Public Library.
Does it say anywhere in that letter that it has to be a work of fiction?
You know it doesn't; I read you the whole thing.
Well, go get a book from the conference room, then.
Yes, oh master. Is there anything else you desire?
Since you ask, yes; I'd like a blow job, followed by a nap in my nice comfy chair, but let's do this book thing first.
I hate you.
No you don't.
Here, how about this?
Dynamic Differential Diagnosis? Good choice. Okay, we'll go with this, then. And stop pouting.
Not improving your chances of getting a blow job anytime soon.
I'll make it worth your while.
You should try that expression on your new team; I don't think they've seen that one yet.
Just for that, you can read the sentences.
For the record, if you knock me out by throwing Dynamic Differential Diagnosis at my head, no one will be getting a blow job today. Okay, page ten... it's a table of possible causes of upper left quadrant abdominal pain.
Better go with page eleven, then.
"For this reason, the astute clinician will want to have a good list of possibilities in mind." That doesn't make me think of anything in particular; it's way too vague.
It makes me think of how wonderful and talented I am.
You do surprise me. We can try page twenty. "Omissions of the systemic diseases and diseases of other abdominal organs that not infrequently cause epigastric pain is inexcusable."
That makes me think of how often my new lackeys manage the so-called inexcusable.
That's not a memory, it's a thought. This isn't working very well, either.
It's your fault, you chose the book. Try the sentence at the end of the next paragraph.
"A further circle covers the brain and testicles." Have you memorized this book, by any chance?
Well, duh. "Brain and testicles". That makes me think of me.
Perhaps we should get you a t-shirt with that on it.
I could wear it when I do clinic duty.
It would certainly act as a warning for the patients. Or anyone else, really. Never mind, we'll try page thirty. Hmm. A diagram of possible causes of chest pain. You'd be dead if you had all those conditions at once.
Try page seventy-two.
"Penile pain", and a diagram of the male reproductive system. If you're trying to tell me that you're a pain in the ass, that's the wrong picture.
Ha ha. I was thinking it might turn you on.
Not with all those hideous diseases drawn on it, no. Or are you trying to tell me that you have gonorrhea or herpes? And please don't leer at me like that, it's mildly terrifying.
Why don't we give up on the books and just try word association? You give me a word and I'll say the first thing that comes into my head.
Okay. Hmm... Me.
Penis.
Am I supposed to say the first thing that comes into my head now?
Nope, you just feed me the words. The 'coming' part is later.
...
Give me another word.
Hospital.
Penis.
MRI.
Penis.
You know, I'm sensing a theme here. I seem to remember asking you once before if you were five.
Penis.
Are you trying to hint, oh-so-subtly, that you would like that blow job now?
Penis.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Note:
The books referred to are:
The World According to Garp by John Irving, which I would highly recommend.
Dynamic Differential Diagnosis by R Douglas Collins, which I got from Amazon after seeing Foreman (in a promo shot) standing in front of one of the shelves in the conference room, with the book behind him.