Fic: House and Hugh (part 2)
Title: What's Wrong With Rachel?
Characters: All the regulars
Rating: PG (gen)
Disclaimer: House doesn't belong to me.
Word count: 1130
Summary: Why is Rachel so advanced for her age?
Warning: Cracky
Thanks to deelaundry for betaing!
All comments are welcome, but if you're cross-posting comments to Facebook or Twitter, please don't quote the fic in your comment - thank you.
****
What's Wrong With Rachel?
A couple of weeks later, Cuddy called House to her office. He suspected her of wishing to encourage Lewd Behavior At Work, so didn't delay in answering her call, but found himself disappointed - she was wearing her "worried mommy, yes, I actually am a mommy, so HAH to you" face.
"House, I'm worried about Rachel. Her pediatrician can't find anything wrong, and he's supposed to be the best in the state." She looked at him, hoping that she wouldn't have to say anything more.
House sighed dramatically. "Okay, what are her symptoms?"
"I don't really know how to explain it..."
House opened his mouth to comment, then thought better of it and merely made his expression into the one he used for really stupid patients.
"It's as if she's aged three years in three weeks."
Well, that actually did sound interesting. "Go on."
"It just seems like one minute she was six months old, and the next she's potty-trained, feeding herself, walking and talking. I know there are conditions which cause rapid acceleration in ageing, but not like this. She looks like a normal three-year-old, there's no sign of anything like progeria. I was expecting her to maybe have some developmental delay because of her birth-mother's drinking, but this is the opposite."
House sighed again.
"Okay, I'll take a look. Drop her by my office."
He left, feeling that life was being particularly unfair at the moment.
****
That afternoon, Chase put his head warily round House's door.
"Have you still got Hugh in there?"
House glanced under his desk.
"Well, naturally. He's too small to be left at home alone."
Chase stayed where he was. "Andrew's just started vomiting blood, so we're going down to MRI." He left with more haste than was usual.
House took a moment to realize that Andrew was Mr. Potato Head, the latest victim - er, patient - then dismissed the matter from the front of his mind due to the sound of scuffling and growling from somewhere down by his feet. He pulled on a pair of thick leather gauntlets (which he had learned to keep with him at all times) and picked Hugh up, along with a very chewed shoelace which was still dangling from the wolverine's mouth.
"What are you doing to my new Nikes? You know you're supposed to keep to hospital property and not chew my things - "
He was interrupted by the arrival of Cuddy and - presumably - Rachel, who was certainly a lot bigger than the last time he'd seen her. House thrust Hugh into his lap and hoped desperately that he would confine his attention to the left gauntlet and not move it to anything else that might just have come into range.
"Rachel, I have to go to a meeting. You stay here with Uncle Greg" - House pulled a face - "and I'll be back before you know it." She kissed her daughter goodbye and left.
Rachel stared solemnly at her new 'uncle', who was wishing that Mr. Potato Head hadn't picked that particular time to start hemorrhaging; where were his minions when they were really needed? He pulled out Hugh and sat him on the desk, before he could pick himself a new chew-toy.
"What's that?" asked Rachel, approaching the desk.
"This is a wolverine. His name is Hugh."
"Wolve-een. Hello, Hugh." She giggled, and reached into her pocket. "Want choc'late?"
House whisked Hugh out of her reach, not a moment too soon. He supposed that Cuddy might get a little annoyed if he returned her daughter to her with a different number of limbs than she'd arrived with, and she might not believe that it was due to her medical condition rather than, say, a small and very vicious mammal.
****
When Cuddy got back to House's office, rather later than she'd hoped, she found the latter asleep in his Eames chair, and her daughter out in the main office with House's team. It looked very much as if they were all being forced to dance for Rachel's entertainment.
She enjoyed the sight for a minute, then shook House's shoulder. "House, do you know what's wrong with Rachel?"
He opened an eye, realized that it was her, and stretched lazily. "Yes, I believe I do. It looks exactly like Spelling's Syndrome."
Cuddy looked blank.
"Chase!" yelled House. "Get in here!"
Chase looked very relieved to be rescued from the dancing. Foreman suddenly looked very jealous of Chase. Taub was apparently enjoying himself too much to pay attention to either of them.
"Chase, explain Spelling's Syndrome to Cuddy. If I do it, she'll just end up hitting me."
Chase turned to Cuddy. "It's a very strange syndrome, and pretty rare. It causes random spurts in ageing, and sudden total changes in appearance, almost as if the patient isn't even the same person any more."
House found himself unable to keep quiet, after all. "She might look three now, but by next week she could be fourteen and dating boys."
Chase shot his boss a look. "Or she might not age any differently from anyone else until she's much older. Or at all."
House carried on regardless. "By next month she could be old enough to be in college. Or she might have got married and have kids."
Cuddy looked distraught. "Is there a cure? Or a treatment?"
House did his best to look sincerely sorry, and therefore didn't get anywhere near it. "There is a treatment, but it's risky, and you won't like it. She needs to move away from here."
Chase joined in. "She needs to be somewhere that no one from the hospital ever sees her again. Maybe you could send her away to boarding school" - he noticed Cuddy's expression - "or, um, something else."
"Or you could let Lucas adopt her," suggested House, in a misguided attempt at being mature and offering a helpful solution.
Cuddy stared at them both, aghast.
"You haven't been yourself recently," said House, finally managing to sound solicitous (well, for him, anyway). "After all, would you really be sleeping with me if you were? Maybe you should take Rachel away for a while."
Cuddy looked more shaken by his gentleness than she would have done if he'd been his usual obnoxious self. "I need to go think about this. I - " She broke off, visibly collected herself, then went to fetch her daughter, who was still laughing at Taub's efforts. Chase followed her.
House went out to the balcony and caught Wilson's eye, while simultaneously fending off a small and very happy set of teeth. Wilson left his paperwork and joined him in the fresh air, although keeping his distance from Hugh.
"Wilson, I believe that things are about to work out in our favor."
"Good to hear. Breakfast?"
"Sounds good."
The End
Alternative ending, for those who prefer things rather more cut and dried:
"This is a wolverine. His name is Hugh."
"Wolve-een. Hello, Hugh." She giggled, and reached into her pocket. "Want choc'late?"
Rachel giggled again, and walked closer. Hugh, who was quite partial to chocolate, wriggled out of House's grasp and -
Oh. Oh dear.
Well, that was awkward.
House decided to take Hugh home after all, and blamed everything at work on Foreman.