home again, home again, jiggity jig
Dear Everyone
I'm home! As some of you may be aware I have been home in the Netherlands almost a week now. It has taken me a while to feel human again as my life was so insanely hectic and stressful just before I left and the jetlag hit me with a vengeance this time round. I've been sleeping for at least 12 hours every night if not through much of the day as well. I also got hit with hayfever just after I arrived. Probably just dropping myself into spring with no warning, but sucky none-the-less.
Anyway, I'm here, really here, here for good. And this feels strange in several ways. Firstly I feel like I've never left (except for the tiredness factor), secondly, because I still have the lurking feeling that I must have to get back on a plane at some point not too far away, and thirdly, because I've been waiting for this for so long that it doesn't seem real. But it is and I'm very happy. And god it's been nice taking a break. I have given myself this week off to recover and do basically nothing and next week I'll make a plan and start with the thesis thing. But not yet.
So, apart from sleeping, Niels and I have been shopping (IKEA again, for huge furry red cushions to lean against as we watch our new TV with built in DVD player in the bedroom, hmmmm, luxury much?). And we went to a children's farm yesterday, that was great, I got to pat rabbits (konijntes), goats, hamsters, rats, a pig and a cow. That was fun. Today we bought plants for the roof terrace: violets and delphiniums, white things and yellow daisies and fresh herbs. Ahh, this is the life.
And Niels' parents dropped round the other night. Unfortunately it was not the night that we were expecting them and Niels was out teaching and I was dead-to-the-world asleep. So they rang the doorbell and I slept through it, and they rang Niels' mobile which was off because he was working, and they rang here, which I did wake up for, but by the time I'd got down the stairs the phone stopped ringing and there was no message so I sleepwalked back to bed until about an hour later when I finally did hear the doorbell. The sweet neighbour next door had taken them in and entertained them for an hour while I snored next door. Whoops. But they were all very good natured about it all. I really was incredibly asleep. I mean even more asleep than I normally am.
The house is undergoing renovations which is fun. Poor little freaked out cat keeps getting shut in a room so she doesn't accidentally get let out the front door. Poor little freaked out people keep running away from the horrible noises leaving the cat alone. So next week, when it will probably be even worse, I think we will all migrate to Niels' parents house, pussycat and all (perhaps even built in DVD player...no, next week I must do work).
Thankyou to everyone who was so lovely and helpful to me in the last few weeks of my Melbourne life (weird). Particularly Mel and Mat, Steve and Cecilia, My wonderful Mum, Kate my longest known best friend, Rosanne who offered lots of help and got stuck with the killing plants end of the deal, Ann the calming voice at uni, Adele for tracking last minute dyes down, Stuart who offered help in the midst of writing his own thesis, Kylie especially for the wonderful suitcase from heaven and Catherine and everyone who put up with me in my big eyes, no sleep, stress bunny mode. Thanks to everyone who came to my Goodbye things, gave me cards, presents, hugs, love. (Is this beginning to sound like a Gwyneth Paltow Oscar speech?). Anyway, you get the gist, I really appreciate all the support and love I received just before I left, and for the years I have lived there, and, in anticipation, for the years to come.
The flights themselves went pretty smoothly, but I accidentally chose a thought provoking film to kill some time even though I picked it just to perve at Angelina Jolie. Beyond Borders. It was quite good but very sad and full on and probably not what I was up for in my state of exhaustion, so instead of turning off my overused brain I ended up scrawling some pages of thoughts which I thought I'd include just cos I can. And you can always stop reading whenever you want to. Ahh, choice, isn't it a wonderful thing.
Response to the film "Beyond Borders" and the current world political climate and the inevitability of the perpetuation of troubles. It'd make you cry,
When I was a kid, a young, idealistic, environmentalist, bleeding heart, I use to think that when I grew up and knew more about the world, I would be able to take a piece of butchers paper and write down all the problems across the world - the wars, the famine, the disease, the inequality - country by country, issue by issue - and I thought I'd be able to sort it out. To fix it. To Save the World. I really thought all I needed was the knowledge and time to find ways to solve all the problems, to soothe the hate, heal the wounds, redistribute the food. I had immense faith in the idea that it was possible. That humans all wished to live happily in safety, respecting others' wishes, understanding we only have one planet-ful of resources, comprehending that fighting over land is futile and that eventually, when it was all explained to everyone, that it would be OK. I believed in underlying goodness and a latent tendency to acceptance and understanding. All I had to do was smooth the wrinkles out of the mess humans had got themselves into accidentally.
And for a while I was active, I attended rallies, meetings, information sessions, I knew what atrocities were happening across the world and took that as the problems to be fixed, fully believing that it could only get better. But each issue I began to get an understanding of revealed immense complexity. The idea of a 'fix', a 'solution' or a 'right way' receded as in each case it became apparent that everyone did not want the same thing, that the solution for one party or aspect (be it political, social or environmental) conflicted with another's. And some things appear truly intractable now because initially I didn't take things like religious differences or the inability or lack of desire to forgive EVER, into account. I didn't factor in that it only takes a small percentage of people to perpetuate problems, I didn't understand about power and ruthlessness and selfishness and greed and a true lack of compassion.
I still don't understand those things, but I know they are real. Sometimes more real than their positive counterparts. Destruction and hate are easy and self perpetuating, reconciliation and forgiveness are always going to be hard. I really used to think they were inevitable and deep down everyone wanted to stop the violence and hate that was a cycle of their own experiences and that everyone wanted a chance to live happily ever after. But they don't. And sometimes it is a matter of access to education and information. But everyone concludes different things from the same input.
I thought I could fix it - I really did. And now I know I can't. And it breaks my heart. Most of the time I forget. I live my lovely life with my lovely friends, family and partner. But sometimes I'm reminded that I've given up my childish hope that it can be better, that one person can make a positive substantial, worldwide difference, or even a small ripple for the better in a local pond. I can see the complexity, the inflexibility, the denial, the selfishness, the short term outlooks and I can't see any solution, let alone 'the solution'.
I think I've come to the conclusion that people, as a general worldwide rule, do not, en masse, have the will or ability to solve the longstanding conflicts and stand as one beside each other (rhetoric, rhetoric, happy happy joy joy images). We are not 'above' our 'nature', we are not different from other organisms, we function as fighting clans embroiled in pointless, endless, self perpetuating cycles of destruction and disaster on different levels in different ways at different times. But in the end it doesn't change. Perhaps it's true that we simply cannot all live happily ever after. Maybe I'm right that there is no hope, but I don't want to be. And each issue is so big and so unresolvable that I can't see where to start or how it would ever be worth it - and it is true that even a difference to one person makes a difference - but which person, people, issue do you pour your heart and soul into before you're done? And if you're simply placing bandaids on festering wounds what, really, is the point?
I used to feel a compulsion to fix it and how I just don't want to know. There is no overall improvement, just periodic shifts in where and how it is wrong. And that change in perception is really sad.
I'm home! As some of you may be aware I have been home in the Netherlands almost a week now. It has taken me a while to feel human again as my life was so insanely hectic and stressful just before I left and the jetlag hit me with a vengeance this time round. I've been sleeping for at least 12 hours every night if not through much of the day as well. I also got hit with hayfever just after I arrived. Probably just dropping myself into spring with no warning, but sucky none-the-less.
Anyway, I'm here, really here, here for good. And this feels strange in several ways. Firstly I feel like I've never left (except for the tiredness factor), secondly, because I still have the lurking feeling that I must have to get back on a plane at some point not too far away, and thirdly, because I've been waiting for this for so long that it doesn't seem real. But it is and I'm very happy. And god it's been nice taking a break. I have given myself this week off to recover and do basically nothing and next week I'll make a plan and start with the thesis thing. But not yet.
So, apart from sleeping, Niels and I have been shopping (IKEA again, for huge furry red cushions to lean against as we watch our new TV with built in DVD player in the bedroom, hmmmm, luxury much?). And we went to a children's farm yesterday, that was great, I got to pat rabbits (konijntes), goats, hamsters, rats, a pig and a cow. That was fun. Today we bought plants for the roof terrace: violets and delphiniums, white things and yellow daisies and fresh herbs. Ahh, this is the life.
And Niels' parents dropped round the other night. Unfortunately it was not the night that we were expecting them and Niels was out teaching and I was dead-to-the-world asleep. So they rang the doorbell and I slept through it, and they rang Niels' mobile which was off because he was working, and they rang here, which I did wake up for, but by the time I'd got down the stairs the phone stopped ringing and there was no message so I sleepwalked back to bed until about an hour later when I finally did hear the doorbell. The sweet neighbour next door had taken them in and entertained them for an hour while I snored next door. Whoops. But they were all very good natured about it all. I really was incredibly asleep. I mean even more asleep than I normally am.
The house is undergoing renovations which is fun. Poor little freaked out cat keeps getting shut in a room so she doesn't accidentally get let out the front door. Poor little freaked out people keep running away from the horrible noises leaving the cat alone. So next week, when it will probably be even worse, I think we will all migrate to Niels' parents house, pussycat and all (perhaps even built in DVD player...no, next week I must do work).
Thankyou to everyone who was so lovely and helpful to me in the last few weeks of my Melbourne life (weird). Particularly Mel and Mat, Steve and Cecilia, My wonderful Mum, Kate my longest known best friend, Rosanne who offered lots of help and got stuck with the killing plants end of the deal, Ann the calming voice at uni, Adele for tracking last minute dyes down, Stuart who offered help in the midst of writing his own thesis, Kylie especially for the wonderful suitcase from heaven and Catherine and everyone who put up with me in my big eyes, no sleep, stress bunny mode. Thanks to everyone who came to my Goodbye things, gave me cards, presents, hugs, love. (Is this beginning to sound like a Gwyneth Paltow Oscar speech?). Anyway, you get the gist, I really appreciate all the support and love I received just before I left, and for the years I have lived there, and, in anticipation, for the years to come.
The flights themselves went pretty smoothly, but I accidentally chose a thought provoking film to kill some time even though I picked it just to perve at Angelina Jolie. Beyond Borders. It was quite good but very sad and full on and probably not what I was up for in my state of exhaustion, so instead of turning off my overused brain I ended up scrawling some pages of thoughts which I thought I'd include just cos I can. And you can always stop reading whenever you want to. Ahh, choice, isn't it a wonderful thing.
Response to the film "Beyond Borders" and the current world political climate and the inevitability of the perpetuation of troubles. It'd make you cry,
When I was a kid, a young, idealistic, environmentalist, bleeding heart, I use to think that when I grew up and knew more about the world, I would be able to take a piece of butchers paper and write down all the problems across the world - the wars, the famine, the disease, the inequality - country by country, issue by issue - and I thought I'd be able to sort it out. To fix it. To Save the World. I really thought all I needed was the knowledge and time to find ways to solve all the problems, to soothe the hate, heal the wounds, redistribute the food. I had immense faith in the idea that it was possible. That humans all wished to live happily in safety, respecting others' wishes, understanding we only have one planet-ful of resources, comprehending that fighting over land is futile and that eventually, when it was all explained to everyone, that it would be OK. I believed in underlying goodness and a latent tendency to acceptance and understanding. All I had to do was smooth the wrinkles out of the mess humans had got themselves into accidentally.
And for a while I was active, I attended rallies, meetings, information sessions, I knew what atrocities were happening across the world and took that as the problems to be fixed, fully believing that it could only get better. But each issue I began to get an understanding of revealed immense complexity. The idea of a 'fix', a 'solution' or a 'right way' receded as in each case it became apparent that everyone did not want the same thing, that the solution for one party or aspect (be it political, social or environmental) conflicted with another's. And some things appear truly intractable now because initially I didn't take things like religious differences or the inability or lack of desire to forgive EVER, into account. I didn't factor in that it only takes a small percentage of people to perpetuate problems, I didn't understand about power and ruthlessness and selfishness and greed and a true lack of compassion.
I still don't understand those things, but I know they are real. Sometimes more real than their positive counterparts. Destruction and hate are easy and self perpetuating, reconciliation and forgiveness are always going to be hard. I really used to think they were inevitable and deep down everyone wanted to stop the violence and hate that was a cycle of their own experiences and that everyone wanted a chance to live happily ever after. But they don't. And sometimes it is a matter of access to education and information. But everyone concludes different things from the same input.
I thought I could fix it - I really did. And now I know I can't. And it breaks my heart. Most of the time I forget. I live my lovely life with my lovely friends, family and partner. But sometimes I'm reminded that I've given up my childish hope that it can be better, that one person can make a positive substantial, worldwide difference, or even a small ripple for the better in a local pond. I can see the complexity, the inflexibility, the denial, the selfishness, the short term outlooks and I can't see any solution, let alone 'the solution'.
I think I've come to the conclusion that people, as a general worldwide rule, do not, en masse, have the will or ability to solve the longstanding conflicts and stand as one beside each other (rhetoric, rhetoric, happy happy joy joy images). We are not 'above' our 'nature', we are not different from other organisms, we function as fighting clans embroiled in pointless, endless, self perpetuating cycles of destruction and disaster on different levels in different ways at different times. But in the end it doesn't change. Perhaps it's true that we simply cannot all live happily ever after. Maybe I'm right that there is no hope, but I don't want to be. And each issue is so big and so unresolvable that I can't see where to start or how it would ever be worth it - and it is true that even a difference to one person makes a difference - but which person, people, issue do you pour your heart and soul into before you're done? And if you're simply placing bandaids on festering wounds what, really, is the point?
I used to feel a compulsion to fix it and how I just don't want to know. There is no overall improvement, just periodic shifts in where and how it is wrong. And that change in perception is really sad.