Cold Fusion: Twelve Days, Ch 5 (Part 2)
Trigger Warning: Suicide.
Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah
9:04 PM EST
7:04 PM MST
Roxanne yawns and blinks a few times, shaking her head and peering at the road. "You awake, sweetie?"
Megamind had put his seat back shortly before sunset some hours ago and hasn't moved since, but he doesn't sound like he's just woken up. "I am. What's wrong?"
"Did you sleep at all?" she grins, and he sits up.
"As a matter of fact, I did. For over an hour!" he exclaims proudly. "I've just been drifting since then." He squints out the window. "I see we're still driving through the Land of Flat. I kind of miss the mountains."
"You should have seen it earlier; we've been driving across the salt flats for the past hour or so. The sunset was really nice but I didn't want to wake you." She rolls her shoulders, flexes her hands one at a time. "Can we trade off driving soon? My hands are starting to cramp up and I'm pretty tired."
He nods. "Of course we can. We can trade off now, if you like-it's not like there's anybody else on the road. Pull over."
"I can wait until we get to a gas station, that's okay."
Long fingers flick over the dashboard display he'd installed weeks ago. It scrolls something back at him, and he shakes his head at Roxanne. "No," he says, "Pull over."
Mystified, she shrugs and puts on her four-ways, slowing down and driving fully off the road. Megamind opens his door. "Turn off the car and come outside," he says, but he's already out the door before Roxanne can ask him why they're doing this.
"Okay, here I am," she says, shivering a little. Her winter coat is warm, but not designed for Utah at night in December. "What are you doing?"
He's walking away from the car and the highway with a purpose, staring intently up at the sky. "Come with me," he calls over his shoulder. "We're far enough south; I want to show you something."
She shoves her hands under her arms and jogs after him, leaving little puffs of breath vanishing behind her. Megamind is walking very quickly, and by the time he stops-well beyond where headlights can reach them, had there been any other cars on the road-her ears are starting to burn with cold.
He halts without warning. "Look," he says. "Up."
She glances up, then freezes, her small discomfort forgotten. "Oh," she gasps. "Oh, wow."
Out here, so far away from the lights of the city-from any lights at all-there are more stars than she has ever seen in one place. It's so easy for her to forget that the major constellations aren't the only stars in the sky, that Venus and Sirius aren't the only visible lights in most parts of the world. It's so easy for her to just focus on the here and now, on the problems in her life that seem so massive and all the wonderful little joys that seem so important from day to day, week to week, month to month.
But. The sky.
Those are all stars, all those little pinpricks of light. Every single one of those little tiny lights is a giant flaming ball of gas surrounded by miles and miles of empty nothing, and here she is on a tiny piece of rock spinning through the blackness and looking up at it. And maybe, somewhere very very far away, someone else is looking back.
There's life out there. There are people out there, real people with hopes and dreams and secret fears and goals just like hers. Out there. In that.
So this is what it feels like to have her mind blown. She'd always thought she knew what it felt like. I think I need to sit down.
Megamind finds what he's looking for and smiles, then turns to look at his companion. She's spinning a slow circle, gazing unblinkingly up at the night sky with her mouth open.
He grins. "Breathe," he says in a low voice, and she exhales in a rush and swallows, blinks a few times.
Then she turns that wide-eyed gaze on him. Pulls back a little and blinks again. Glances up at the sky and then wonderingly back to him, as if she's never seen him before, as if this is the very first time she's ever looked at him.
He takes a step towards her, one tentative hand coming up. "Roxanne?"
"You-" She stares at him, really actually stares. "You're from there." It certainly feels like this is the first time she's seen him. The sky above her is full of stars, absolutely choked with them, and more points of light appear every second she's looking up at them, and Megamind.
Megamind is an alien.
"You. I mean, you're-you're not even close to human," she says, marveling at the sheer impossibility of that fact. At him. "We're not even the same species. That'samazing. That's. You are an alien, that's incredible."
His face goes slack.
She inhales and looks up again at the field of light. Miles and miles, a distance so vast that it's measured in time, and the sudden crash of comprehension feels like she's just swallowed something too big and too hard to digest, like there's a hollow place in her stomach, because she finally gets it. He's not human. She had known that but hasn't fully understood it until now-and now she can see why he had been worried. The understanding rocks her to her core.
She looks at him again, standing there looking like he's been kicked between the legs, and the hollow place whirls into warm light and color and blood roaring in her ears. "All those stars," she whispers. "All those worlds, and you came to mine."
Her hands find his shoulder, the side of his jaw and his neck-her lips seek his, and find them. After a moment, his fingers come up and tangle themselves in her hair as his eyes slide closed.
"I tried to tell you," he says shakily when he finally pulls away. "I did try."
"I know," she manages, still staring into his eyes. She touches his face. "But I didn't really know what it meant. The projectors...but I think I had to see it this way for it to be real."
"This doesn't-change anything between us, does it?" he asks. She looks at him, her whole face lit up with wonder.
"Are you kidding?" She runs her fingers over the curve of his skull, down the long line of his throat to his narrow shoulders, skims down the ribs she knows his coat is hiding, down over his abdomen to the jut of his hips. And then back up, and down the length of his arm to his hand-the rectangular palm coupled with impossibly long fingers. "You are the most incredible person I have ever known. And you're beautiful. Mentally, physically, whatever, you're just completely breathtaking. You always have been, but this…"
Then she blinks. "What? Did I say something wrong?" Because his whole expression has just blown apart and then shattered back together a split second later. "Megamind, what is it?"
"You just-nobody's ever-" He shakes his head, unable to speak.
Puzzled, she tilts her head. "I told you you were beautiful two days ago. And I know I've said you were physically attractive multiple times before this."
He jerks his head from side to side. Good lord, he's actually trembling. "Yes but-standing here, you just finally got it, and you still think I'm-and you're not just saying it either, you really do mean that-"
"Oh, for heaven's sake," she murmurs, determined to be irritated because if she isn't then she's going to cry for him and she's done that quite enough already over the months. She pulls him in against her, wrapping her arms firmly around his back. "Come here, you silly creature. Calm down."
"And-and here you are, standing there, loving me-whether or not you should; I just…"
"You know, of all the things you've ever quoted at me I think that's the most surprising? But I'm not going to sing at you. Nobody wants that." She smiles into the night, blinking up at the stars over his shoulder. "Why do you even know that play, honestly? And sweetie, really, I thought we were past this." The words are so simple, so casual, how in the name of everything can she sound this casual when her whole being is reeling in shock and comprehension?
"I'm serious," he chokes. "We are past this, we are, it's just that I…that you…sometimes I still can't quite believe how lucky I am."
"How lucky you are?" she echoes, raising her eyebrows. She lets go of him and flings her arms out to the sides, spinning away with her head thrown back. "Look at that! Look at all of that up there! You had years of planets to choose from and you came here!" She laughs, swoops in another tight circle, then drops her arms and looks at him again. "I still can't believe you're worried I might leave you. I am the luckiest woman on the face of this planet. On the face of a lotof planets."
His smile breaks a little. "Look-let's not go into that now, okay?"
"What's to go into?" she asks. "We already went over this."
"I know, but we didn't really finish it," he reminds her reluctantly. "It got sidetracked."
Roxanne bites her lip and sighs, tries to drag herself back to Earth and focus. "Okay. Then-then can't we finish it now? Otherwise it's going to be hanging over my head until tomorrow, and I'll be in a bad mood and you'll be nervous, and…I'm in a ridiculously good mood, now." She frowns. "I don't know what kind of mood I'm in. But I think it's a good one. Euphoric."
"Is that how it's pronounced," he murmurs, then stops and looks at her for a moment. This whole 'pulling over and looking at the stars' thing has already nearly blown up in his face. Might as well go all the way, right? Better now than when one of them is driving, in case he has to end up explaining about-about one of the more fantastically stupid things he'd done. Which he probably will.
So he sighs and nods. "All right."
She pulls up a little and blinks at him. She hadn't expected him to give in so quickly. "You sure? If you really want to wait until tomorrow, we can-"
"No," he says, abruptly decisive. "No, we should do this now. This is important, it's really been bothering me and I'd like to get it out of the way with some time to spare before we get to your mom's. You and me…we work through stuff. We need to work through this, too."
She's still chewing on her lip. "Okay. Well. Like I said, I don't really know what there is to talk about. I'm not going to leave you."
He takes a deep breath and pauses, looking up at her uncomfortably through his lashes. "But we both know the possibility is there. I need you to acknowledge that for my own peace of mind."
"It really isn't, though."
"Look, Roxanne-please. Please, just listen to me," he tells her. "I know. But it could happen. And I just want you to know that if the reason you have to leave is that being with me is just too difficult or complicated or dangerous, that's not a silly reason. I will understand and I'll be okay. That's all. Can't you please just take that at face value?"
She shakes her head. "No! I can't. I mean, thanks, I guess. But I'm not going to want to quit on you!" she exclaims. "Didn't you hear anything I just said?" She cocks her head, staring at him like he's lost his mind. "What is this about, Megs? Seriously, now, this isn't the whole 'I'm an alien' thing again, is it? Because we just went over that two minutes ago. I get it! You're an alien! In case you haven't noticed, I'm sort of fine with that!"
"This has nothing to do with me being an alien," he tells her, and then his brain catches up with his mouth and he back-paddles. "I suppose it is, a little bit-but not like you think!" he adds quickly when she scowls blackly and opens her mouth. "It's the public's reaction to me being with you. It's going to be bad, Roxanne. You need to understand that."
"What's to understand?" She throws up her hands. "Yeah, the media will have a field day and people are going to be mad at us. So what? I'm not just going to quit you because of that!"
"I told you," he snarls, finally starting to get mad, "I've been there. All I'm saying is that if you wanted to, I would understand!"
"You didn't quit."
"Not for lack of trying."
"Then try harder next time," she snaps. Then she pauses, because Megamind's reflexive reaction to that was to burst out laughing. She blinks. "What?"
He shakes his head, positively wheezing with mirth.
"What?" she asks, disturbed. "What did I say?"
Hiccupping, he tries to compose himself. "You know what?" he says, looking at her, lips still twitching. "Forget it. This isn't the time. It's still too weird."
Something in his face catches her, though, brings her up short. He's still deeply amused, that much she can tell, but for the first time ever, there's something guarded hiding behind his eyes. She has always been able to read him like a book, but something made him close off.
"What did you try and quit?" she asks.
"I told you, forget it. We'll do this another time." He turns and starts heading back to the car.
Now she's starting to be worried; he's not reacting right at all. "Megamind, look, I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I really have no intention of leaving you, that's all."
He stops walking. After a moment, his shoulders slump.
"I just wish," he says, and now he sounds annoyed, "that we could have these kinds of conversations without you immediately going into Reassuring Mode. Which, for the record? is not really very reassuring."
"But I don't want you to think-"
"I am not a china doll," he interrupts tightly, turning back around. His back is ramrod straight, his heels are together, his eyes are glittering dangerously. "You are not going to break my delicate little psyche. You need to calm down, take a few deep breaths, and wake up."
Okay. Now Roxanne is able to place where she's seen that expression before. Titan. It's the way he'd looked at her when he'd told her she needed to wake up and smell the coffee, the world is not a happy place and sometimes people really are just bad people. It's exasperation. Megamind isn't upset, he's not insecure, he's not even angry-he is deeply offended and irritated and annoyed with her.
"As you know," he says, "I have been through worse than anything you could possibly do and I have come out on top. I know you're not going to just suddenly up and leave-took me long enough, but I got there-and I'm able to consider what I'd do if we ever ended up growing apart. Interestingly enough, I think I'd be fine. Sad, initially, but ultimately fine."
He cocks his hips and clamps his arms over his chest like a bar. "Life goes on, after all. So, all I'm saying-and this is all I'm saying-is that I am aware that such a thing is not entirely outside the realm of possibility, and if it ever happened, I would be okay. And if it has to happen, I want you to be okay and not think you have to stay with me to keep me from doing something heinously idiotic."
She flushes. "That isn't what I-"
"I didn't say it was, but that's the sense I'm getting from your inability or unwillingness to discuss this with me rationally. Frankly, it's insulting." He fidgets, glancing at her again from under lowered brows. "I have my own reasons for bringing this up, you know, and they aren't what you think. I am not suicidal."
"I don't think you are!" she exclaims.
"Just fradge-ile, then?" he shoots back, cocking an eyebrow at her, and okay, maybe he has a point. He rolls his eyes. "Right."
Then he purses his lips and squints, frowning downwards. He's considering leaving it here, she can tell-she can read him enough to know that.
"Keep going," she warns. "Keep going, because I get why you're upset with me-you're right, I'm not giving you enough credit, and I'm sorry-but I don't get why you think the public's reaction to us is going to have enough power to make me want to break up with you."
"Fair enough," he says grimly, and sits suddenly on the frozen ground. After a brief silence, Roxanne walks over and plops down beside him. Her butt immediately starts to go numb.
"I love you," he tells her. "More, I think, than you will ever know. What's more, I know you love me back. I also know how stubborn you are. I know how you love proving people wrong.
"And I don't think you're going to want to break up with me," he adds, which makes her blink and look at him. "At least, not anytime soon. People do grow apart, if it happens, it happens; I'm not worried about it. But you do not know how bad it can get or what it's like to try to function when everybody is against you. It is incredibly short-sighted of you to insist with such utter conviction that you can deal with something with which you have so little experience.
"It's going to be hard," he tells her, finally looking at her again. "It is going to be very hard. You will lose friends over this. People will hate you. There may even be attempts on your life." He isn't joking; his face is completely open and honest-almost stern, which she hadn't expected and hasn't seen from him before. "You can't tell me you're prepared to deal with that, because you aren't. You don't know what it's like, and you won't know until it happens."
He lets out a heavy sigh, shaking his head, and stares back out at the distant starlit mountains. "My point is. This is going to be emotionally exhausting for you."
"And it won't be for you?" she asks, trying to keep from sounding accusatory. Luckily, he doesn't seem to take offense.
He shrugs again. "I'vedealt with it before, I know how to cope. You don't." It's true, loath though she is to admit it. There's a pause during which she tries to figure out a good response, but before she can think of anything he blurts out, "And that scares me."
She blinks at him, taken aback. This is the first time that she can think of that Megamind has admitted to being outright afraid of anything-as proud as he is, he must really be serious. "Well, I know it'll be hard, but…"
"But you don't understand it," he says. "Trust me. I've been there. I know how bad it gets. When all your peers are against you, I mean…it gets bad. You have to talk to me," he adds. "You have to tell me what you're thinking. Promise me."
"I'll always talk to you," she tells him, really astonished now and not bothering to hide it. "I'm not just going to stop talking to you."
"Yes, but if you really need to, there's-well, there's a good chance you won't want to." He offers her a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I mean. I didn't want talk to Minion."
A very small alarm bell starts going off in the back of her mind. Wait…
Her eyes go wide as the bottom drops out of her stomach. "O-okay, sweetie? I'm trying to read between the lines there but I'm really not liking what I'm getting from that."
He heaves a sigh. "Okay. Look. I didn't want to do this tonight, but…" His restless gaze jumps skyward, jumps to her, jumps to the ground and back up to the sky. "I tried to commit suicide. Twice? When I was fifteen. Fifteen was a bad year for me. And try to remember that I actually am perfectly fine now," he adds. "See how I'm not freaking out at all?"
Her brain flat-lines for a moment. "Megamind," she says again, but that's all she's able to get out.
When she continues to gape in silence, he slumps, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "Listen, Roxanne…I was going to tell you. Really. I just hadn't decided when. You don't just bring that up, right? You say something like that and people think you're a mess. Even if it happened almost twenty years ago."
There's a long silence.
"I probably should have opened with that," he mutters. "Just so you would have had a better idea of where I was coming from with all this."
"Would've been nice," she says faintly.
"It's just…I don't think you're going to do that, or anything, but it happened because…well, because I honestly couldn't think of any other way out. It was never going to stop. I almost destroyed the entire human race, but then things happened and I was reminded that there are good people in the world," he makes a vague gesture and she doesn't press him, "so I just thought, no, I'll just take myself out instead and that'll be the end of it, that'll fix everything. You know?"
"N-no, not really."
"Well, good," he says. "On a not-completely-unrelated note, it turns out I can metabolize cyanide really, really well. But listen, please, the point I've been trying to make here is that I don't want you to end up anywhere near where I was mentally. Or emotionally. That was a bad place. But if you're not prepared for what's going to happen, which you aren't, I'm…afraid. For you. Hal got one thing right-you see the good in people to a fault." He turns towards her, fixes her with that wide green gaze and stares her down. "But you haven't seen what I have, and I know that when we go public, everything is going to explode. People fear what they don't understand, and they're not going to understand us. To make matters worse, we're public figures; we're going to smash their worldviews in a really big, really loud way. And I can live with that.Iknow how to deal with that. But you…"
"But I don't," she finishes quietly, and shakes her head. "I just. I just told you that you should have tried harder to kill yourself, didn't I?"
He snorts. "Yeah, that was great."
"Of all the terrible things I could have said to you, I picked that one. Wow." She huffs a short, disbelieving laugh. "Okay. So. Here's my response-"
"You're crushing my hand," he says suddenly.
"Sorry!" She relaxes her grip. "Sorry. But listen, you know that as angry as everyone is going to be, it'll get better, right? The hype will die down eventually."
He scrubs his free hand over the side of his face. "Please."
"No, listen-I know. I'm sorry." She tries a different angle, one that hopefully won't sound like she's still trying to undermine his concerns. "Thank you for fighting me on this. You're doing this because you care about me and you're worried I'm going to get into a really bad mental place from all the hatred and everything, and you remember what that was like and you don't want that for me. So you're trying to explain what I need to be prepared for to give me some idea of what to brace myself against, because you know what it's like to have everyone against you. You also know that some of them will actively try to separate us, maybe publicly, they'll try to pit us against each other and make us think we can't even trust each other; they're going to want us to be so miserable together that we'll want to break it off."
He turns to look at her, honest surprise written in every line of his face. "Yes," he says wonderingly. "Yes, that's. That's exactly it."
"But you know what I'm going to do, when they try that? Because they will?" she asks, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. She succeeds, mostly. "I'm going to remember tonight.
"I'm going to remember that you gave me something incredibly personal just to try to explain why you were so worried about me and what would happen to my state of mind. This is the kind of thing I'd understand if you didn't want to ever tell me, but you did because I wouldn't listen to you any other way-and, Megamind, I'm so sorry."
She reaches for him, catches her arms around his shoulders and pins him against her with her fingers twisted into his coat. Her nose and mouth are buried in his scarf; she inhales hard and has to make a conscious effort not to sob when she exhales and tastes the fiery-leather smell of him. It's a strange angle to hug someone, since they're sitting side-by-side, but whatever, she makes it work.
"It-it happened a long time ago, you know that, right?" The highway and the distant stars go blurry, then clear even though she hasn't blinked-her cheeks are abruptly cold. "It's like with Washington. I am fine now, truly." He snorts, and then he's laughing. He's still laughing, after all this. "Ugh, I did not want to do this today…"
She tries to mumble something into his shoulder, but the stone in her throat jumps up and chokes her so she settles for clutching him even tighter instead. He may be fine now, but there were so many years that he wasn't and he should have been, he should have been. It isn't fair.
"I know," she finally manages to get out in a surprisingly level voice, gazing distractedly through the highway behind him, unable to focus on anything beyond how comfortingly solid he is in her arms. "I know you are. Now. But you weren't."
He sighs and rubs a hand through her hair. "I shouldn't have said anything," he mutters again.
"I'm glad you did." She sniffs. "Means I can tell you how incredibly happy I am that you're alive without feeling silly."
He chuckles. "I'm happy about that, too, believe it or not. Mark me, Roxanne." He puts his hands on her shoulders and holds her gently away from him, and tactfully doesn't mention her red eyes. "I am okay. But like I said, I want you to promise you'll talk to me. Me or Minion. Okay?"
"I promise," she says, "I will always talk to you. I'll never hang up on you. I'll never not talk to you after a fight. You and me. We work through things, like you said, both of us together."
"Thank you. That's all I ask." It's a lot more than he'd asked, but he hears what she isn't saying; I love you rings like gunfire in every word. He cards his hands into her hair again and kisses her in full view of the highway, his breath mingling with hers and curling up through the cold air. He doesn't give any sign of acknowledging the single Buick that flies past.
"Now, can we please not talk about this anymore tonight?" he asks when he pulls away, stroking her bangs away from her face with his thumb. "I was having fun."
"That sounds good," she whispers. "Fun sounds good."
"We haven't gotten to the reason I pulled us out of the car," he reminds her.
"Right."
He stands up, pulling her with him, and turns her around in his arms. "So. Getting back to how I'm an alien and you think that's awesome. See Orion over there?"
It takes her a second to locate the constellation-usually the hunter isn't lost in a mess of other stars and usually she isn't halfway freaking out-but his belt glows as bright as always and Megamind's gloved hands are heavy on her shoulders and she nods. "Yeah. Don't tell me that's where you're from."
"Hah, no." He tweaks the short hair at the nape of her neck and she makes a noise and shakes her head. "I want you to follow the line of his belt down to the left. Do you know which one Sirius is?"
"The bright one. Now my neck is all tickly, thanks."
He nudges her, laughing in her ear. "They're all bright, Roxanne. That's the point."
She shoves back, not as hard as she usually would, but she feels him grinning against her cheek and starts to feel better. "Honey, I live with an alien. I think I know how to find Canis Major."
He actually laughs at that. "Keep following that line. There are three stars in almost a line, not quite perpendicular to Orion's belt but almost. The middle one is closer to the bottom one. They're a little hard to distinguish from the rest, but…" He lifts an arm and points to them. "That kind of a shape. About as far again from Sirius as Sirius is from the last star in Orion's belt."
She squints, trying to make sense of his cryptic instructions. "They're…okay. I see them."
"Good. Now imagine that the top one and the middle one are two vertexes of an equilateral triangle aiming to the left."
"I think I got it…"
"Now, that invisible third vertex?" he says, suddenly shy. "You can't see it, it's too dim for the human eye to pick up without a telescope-but that's where I'm from."
Roxanne's mouth falls open. "Wait, really?"
He nods. "I've never been able to show you before because Michigan is so far north. I've never seen it from this vantage, myself; I've always had to route the image through from my doom-satellite."
She puts her hands on his and leans back against him, letting her head fall onto his shoulder. "I feel small."
"Puts it in perspective, doesn't it? I'm from so far out you can't even see where my house was."
"Past tense," she murmurs. "I'm sorry. I don't know if I've ever told you that."
"It's okay," he says. "I don't really remember."
"Liar." She turns around, finds him smiling quietly. "You don't forget anything."
"Such is life." He looks back up at the stars. "You all right?"
She takes a deep breath and offers up a wan sort of grin. "It's a lot to take in, but…I'm okay if you're okay."
"Oh, I am more than okay," he assures her with an easy smile. "I've been okay for a long, long time, and I've been more than okay ever since I woke up in your bed this summer and you were all cuddled up to me and warm and soft in just, agh, all the right places." He looks at her again, grinning stupidly. "We should get back in the car. I can't feel my nose."
She laughs. "Yeah, sitting on the ground-my butt is completely numb."
His grin turns wicked and hopeful as he links his arm through hers and waltzes her back across the flat land towards the highway and the car. "I could kiss it. Make it better."
"You have to drive." It's her turn to shove him off-balance; laughing, he pushes right back. "I know you're the king of multitasking, but even you aren't that good."
They've reached the car. Eyes dancing, he bumps his nose into hers; his is indeed extremely cold. "Want to bet?"
"Nope," she says, and ghosts a kiss across his mouth before jumping into the car.
Megamind presses his lips together, grinning and shaking his head, then takes one last look over his shoulder at the light he can barely see before getting back in the car and cranking up the heat. Roxanne is already fussing with the radio, but as soon as they find a good station she's settled back in her seat with her eyes closed, nodding along to the music.
He glances down at where her hand is tangled up with his on the center console and realizes that he's still grinning. He could be wrong, but he's pretty sure they've just covered the last of the things he'd been worried about sharing with her, and it's-fine. It's all fine, they're both fine, they've worked through it. The two of them. Together.
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Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah
9:04 PM EST
7:04 PM MST
Roxanne yawns and blinks a few times, shaking her head and peering at the road. "You awake, sweetie?"
Megamind had put his seat back shortly before sunset some hours ago and hasn't moved since, but he doesn't sound like he's just woken up. "I am. What's wrong?"
"Did you sleep at all?" she grins, and he sits up.
"As a matter of fact, I did. For over an hour!" he exclaims proudly. "I've just been drifting since then." He squints out the window. "I see we're still driving through the Land of Flat. I kind of miss the mountains."
"You should have seen it earlier; we've been driving across the salt flats for the past hour or so. The sunset was really nice but I didn't want to wake you." She rolls her shoulders, flexes her hands one at a time. "Can we trade off driving soon? My hands are starting to cramp up and I'm pretty tired."
He nods. "Of course we can. We can trade off now, if you like-it's not like there's anybody else on the road. Pull over."
"I can wait until we get to a gas station, that's okay."
Long fingers flick over the dashboard display he'd installed weeks ago. It scrolls something back at him, and he shakes his head at Roxanne. "No," he says, "Pull over."
Mystified, she shrugs and puts on her four-ways, slowing down and driving fully off the road. Megamind opens his door. "Turn off the car and come outside," he says, but he's already out the door before Roxanne can ask him why they're doing this.
"Okay, here I am," she says, shivering a little. Her winter coat is warm, but not designed for Utah at night in December. "What are you doing?"
He's walking away from the car and the highway with a purpose, staring intently up at the sky. "Come with me," he calls over his shoulder. "We're far enough south; I want to show you something."
She shoves her hands under her arms and jogs after him, leaving little puffs of breath vanishing behind her. Megamind is walking very quickly, and by the time he stops-well beyond where headlights can reach them, had there been any other cars on the road-her ears are starting to burn with cold.
He halts without warning. "Look," he says. "Up."
She glances up, then freezes, her small discomfort forgotten. "Oh," she gasps. "Oh, wow."
Out here, so far away from the lights of the city-from any lights at all-there are more stars than she has ever seen in one place. It's so easy for her to forget that the major constellations aren't the only stars in the sky, that Venus and Sirius aren't the only visible lights in most parts of the world. It's so easy for her to just focus on the here and now, on the problems in her life that seem so massive and all the wonderful little joys that seem so important from day to day, week to week, month to month.
But. The sky.
Those are all stars, all those little pinpricks of light. Every single one of those little tiny lights is a giant flaming ball of gas surrounded by miles and miles of empty nothing, and here she is on a tiny piece of rock spinning through the blackness and looking up at it. And maybe, somewhere very very far away, someone else is looking back.
There's life out there. There are people out there, real people with hopes and dreams and secret fears and goals just like hers. Out there. In that.
So this is what it feels like to have her mind blown. She'd always thought she knew what it felt like. I think I need to sit down.
Megamind finds what he's looking for and smiles, then turns to look at his companion. She's spinning a slow circle, gazing unblinkingly up at the night sky with her mouth open.
He grins. "Breathe," he says in a low voice, and she exhales in a rush and swallows, blinks a few times.
Then she turns that wide-eyed gaze on him. Pulls back a little and blinks again. Glances up at the sky and then wonderingly back to him, as if she's never seen him before, as if this is the very first time she's ever looked at him.
He takes a step towards her, one tentative hand coming up. "Roxanne?"
"You-" She stares at him, really actually stares. "You're from there." It certainly feels like this is the first time she's seen him. The sky above her is full of stars, absolutely choked with them, and more points of light appear every second she's looking up at them, and Megamind.
Megamind is an alien.
"You. I mean, you're-you're not even close to human," she says, marveling at the sheer impossibility of that fact. At him. "We're not even the same species. That'samazing. That's. You are an alien, that's incredible."
His face goes slack.
She inhales and looks up again at the field of light. Miles and miles, a distance so vast that it's measured in time, and the sudden crash of comprehension feels like she's just swallowed something too big and too hard to digest, like there's a hollow place in her stomach, because she finally gets it. He's not human. She had known that but hasn't fully understood it until now-and now she can see why he had been worried. The understanding rocks her to her core.
She looks at him again, standing there looking like he's been kicked between the legs, and the hollow place whirls into warm light and color and blood roaring in her ears. "All those stars," she whispers. "All those worlds, and you came to mine."
Her hands find his shoulder, the side of his jaw and his neck-her lips seek his, and find them. After a moment, his fingers come up and tangle themselves in her hair as his eyes slide closed.
"I tried to tell you," he says shakily when he finally pulls away. "I did try."
"I know," she manages, still staring into his eyes. She touches his face. "But I didn't really know what it meant. The projectors...but I think I had to see it this way for it to be real."
"This doesn't-change anything between us, does it?" he asks. She looks at him, her whole face lit up with wonder.
"Are you kidding?" She runs her fingers over the curve of his skull, down the long line of his throat to his narrow shoulders, skims down the ribs she knows his coat is hiding, down over his abdomen to the jut of his hips. And then back up, and down the length of his arm to his hand-the rectangular palm coupled with impossibly long fingers. "You are the most incredible person I have ever known. And you're beautiful. Mentally, physically, whatever, you're just completely breathtaking. You always have been, but this…"
Then she blinks. "What? Did I say something wrong?" Because his whole expression has just blown apart and then shattered back together a split second later. "Megamind, what is it?"
"You just-nobody's ever-" He shakes his head, unable to speak.
Puzzled, she tilts her head. "I told you you were beautiful two days ago. And I know I've said you were physically attractive multiple times before this."
He jerks his head from side to side. Good lord, he's actually trembling. "Yes but-standing here, you just finally got it, and you still think I'm-and you're not just saying it either, you really do mean that-"
"Oh, for heaven's sake," she murmurs, determined to be irritated because if she isn't then she's going to cry for him and she's done that quite enough already over the months. She pulls him in against her, wrapping her arms firmly around his back. "Come here, you silly creature. Calm down."
"And-and here you are, standing there, loving me-whether or not you should; I just…"
"You know, of all the things you've ever quoted at me I think that's the most surprising? But I'm not going to sing at you. Nobody wants that." She smiles into the night, blinking up at the stars over his shoulder. "Why do you even know that play, honestly? And sweetie, really, I thought we were past this." The words are so simple, so casual, how in the name of everything can she sound this casual when her whole being is reeling in shock and comprehension?
"I'm serious," he chokes. "We are past this, we are, it's just that I…that you…sometimes I still can't quite believe how lucky I am."
"How lucky you are?" she echoes, raising her eyebrows. She lets go of him and flings her arms out to the sides, spinning away with her head thrown back. "Look at that! Look at all of that up there! You had years of planets to choose from and you came here!" She laughs, swoops in another tight circle, then drops her arms and looks at him again. "I still can't believe you're worried I might leave you. I am the luckiest woman on the face of this planet. On the face of a lotof planets."
His smile breaks a little. "Look-let's not go into that now, okay?"
"What's to go into?" she asks. "We already went over this."
"I know, but we didn't really finish it," he reminds her reluctantly. "It got sidetracked."
Roxanne bites her lip and sighs, tries to drag herself back to Earth and focus. "Okay. Then-then can't we finish it now? Otherwise it's going to be hanging over my head until tomorrow, and I'll be in a bad mood and you'll be nervous, and…I'm in a ridiculously good mood, now." She frowns. "I don't know what kind of mood I'm in. But I think it's a good one. Euphoric."
"Is that how it's pronounced," he murmurs, then stops and looks at her for a moment. This whole 'pulling over and looking at the stars' thing has already nearly blown up in his face. Might as well go all the way, right? Better now than when one of them is driving, in case he has to end up explaining about-about one of the more fantastically stupid things he'd done. Which he probably will.
So he sighs and nods. "All right."
She pulls up a little and blinks at him. She hadn't expected him to give in so quickly. "You sure? If you really want to wait until tomorrow, we can-"
"No," he says, abruptly decisive. "No, we should do this now. This is important, it's really been bothering me and I'd like to get it out of the way with some time to spare before we get to your mom's. You and me…we work through stuff. We need to work through this, too."
She's still chewing on her lip. "Okay. Well. Like I said, I don't really know what there is to talk about. I'm not going to leave you."
He takes a deep breath and pauses, looking up at her uncomfortably through his lashes. "But we both know the possibility is there. I need you to acknowledge that for my own peace of mind."
"It really isn't, though."
"Look, Roxanne-please. Please, just listen to me," he tells her. "I know. But it could happen. And I just want you to know that if the reason you have to leave is that being with me is just too difficult or complicated or dangerous, that's not a silly reason. I will understand and I'll be okay. That's all. Can't you please just take that at face value?"
She shakes her head. "No! I can't. I mean, thanks, I guess. But I'm not going to want to quit on you!" she exclaims. "Didn't you hear anything I just said?" She cocks her head, staring at him like he's lost his mind. "What is this about, Megs? Seriously, now, this isn't the whole 'I'm an alien' thing again, is it? Because we just went over that two minutes ago. I get it! You're an alien! In case you haven't noticed, I'm sort of fine with that!"
"This has nothing to do with me being an alien," he tells her, and then his brain catches up with his mouth and he back-paddles. "I suppose it is, a little bit-but not like you think!" he adds quickly when she scowls blackly and opens her mouth. "It's the public's reaction to me being with you. It's going to be bad, Roxanne. You need to understand that."
"What's to understand?" She throws up her hands. "Yeah, the media will have a field day and people are going to be mad at us. So what? I'm not just going to quit you because of that!"
"I told you," he snarls, finally starting to get mad, "I've been there. All I'm saying is that if you wanted to, I would understand!"
"You didn't quit."
"Not for lack of trying."
"Then try harder next time," she snaps. Then she pauses, because Megamind's reflexive reaction to that was to burst out laughing. She blinks. "What?"
He shakes his head, positively wheezing with mirth.
"What?" she asks, disturbed. "What did I say?"
Hiccupping, he tries to compose himself. "You know what?" he says, looking at her, lips still twitching. "Forget it. This isn't the time. It's still too weird."
Something in his face catches her, though, brings her up short. He's still deeply amused, that much she can tell, but for the first time ever, there's something guarded hiding behind his eyes. She has always been able to read him like a book, but something made him close off.
"What did you try and quit?" she asks.
"I told you, forget it. We'll do this another time." He turns and starts heading back to the car.
Now she's starting to be worried; he's not reacting right at all. "Megamind, look, I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I really have no intention of leaving you, that's all."
He stops walking. After a moment, his shoulders slump.
"I just wish," he says, and now he sounds annoyed, "that we could have these kinds of conversations without you immediately going into Reassuring Mode. Which, for the record? is not really very reassuring."
"But I don't want you to think-"
"I am not a china doll," he interrupts tightly, turning back around. His back is ramrod straight, his heels are together, his eyes are glittering dangerously. "You are not going to break my delicate little psyche. You need to calm down, take a few deep breaths, and wake up."
Okay. Now Roxanne is able to place where she's seen that expression before. Titan. It's the way he'd looked at her when he'd told her she needed to wake up and smell the coffee, the world is not a happy place and sometimes people really are just bad people. It's exasperation. Megamind isn't upset, he's not insecure, he's not even angry-he is deeply offended and irritated and annoyed with her.
"As you know," he says, "I have been through worse than anything you could possibly do and I have come out on top. I know you're not going to just suddenly up and leave-took me long enough, but I got there-and I'm able to consider what I'd do if we ever ended up growing apart. Interestingly enough, I think I'd be fine. Sad, initially, but ultimately fine."
He cocks his hips and clamps his arms over his chest like a bar. "Life goes on, after all. So, all I'm saying-and this is all I'm saying-is that I am aware that such a thing is not entirely outside the realm of possibility, and if it ever happened, I would be okay. And if it has to happen, I want you to be okay and not think you have to stay with me to keep me from doing something heinously idiotic."
She flushes. "That isn't what I-"
"I didn't say it was, but that's the sense I'm getting from your inability or unwillingness to discuss this with me rationally. Frankly, it's insulting." He fidgets, glancing at her again from under lowered brows. "I have my own reasons for bringing this up, you know, and they aren't what you think. I am not suicidal."
"I don't think you are!" she exclaims.
"Just fradge-ile, then?" he shoots back, cocking an eyebrow at her, and okay, maybe he has a point. He rolls his eyes. "Right."
Then he purses his lips and squints, frowning downwards. He's considering leaving it here, she can tell-she can read him enough to know that.
"Keep going," she warns. "Keep going, because I get why you're upset with me-you're right, I'm not giving you enough credit, and I'm sorry-but I don't get why you think the public's reaction to us is going to have enough power to make me want to break up with you."
"Fair enough," he says grimly, and sits suddenly on the frozen ground. After a brief silence, Roxanne walks over and plops down beside him. Her butt immediately starts to go numb.
"I love you," he tells her. "More, I think, than you will ever know. What's more, I know you love me back. I also know how stubborn you are. I know how you love proving people wrong.
"And I don't think you're going to want to break up with me," he adds, which makes her blink and look at him. "At least, not anytime soon. People do grow apart, if it happens, it happens; I'm not worried about it. But you do not know how bad it can get or what it's like to try to function when everybody is against you. It is incredibly short-sighted of you to insist with such utter conviction that you can deal with something with which you have so little experience.
"It's going to be hard," he tells her, finally looking at her again. "It is going to be very hard. You will lose friends over this. People will hate you. There may even be attempts on your life." He isn't joking; his face is completely open and honest-almost stern, which she hadn't expected and hasn't seen from him before. "You can't tell me you're prepared to deal with that, because you aren't. You don't know what it's like, and you won't know until it happens."
He lets out a heavy sigh, shaking his head, and stares back out at the distant starlit mountains. "My point is. This is going to be emotionally exhausting for you."
"And it won't be for you?" she asks, trying to keep from sounding accusatory. Luckily, he doesn't seem to take offense.
He shrugs again. "I'vedealt with it before, I know how to cope. You don't." It's true, loath though she is to admit it. There's a pause during which she tries to figure out a good response, but before she can think of anything he blurts out, "And that scares me."
She blinks at him, taken aback. This is the first time that she can think of that Megamind has admitted to being outright afraid of anything-as proud as he is, he must really be serious. "Well, I know it'll be hard, but…"
"But you don't understand it," he says. "Trust me. I've been there. I know how bad it gets. When all your peers are against you, I mean…it gets bad. You have to talk to me," he adds. "You have to tell me what you're thinking. Promise me."
"I'll always talk to you," she tells him, really astonished now and not bothering to hide it. "I'm not just going to stop talking to you."
"Yes, but if you really need to, there's-well, there's a good chance you won't want to." He offers her a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I mean. I didn't want talk to Minion."
A very small alarm bell starts going off in the back of her mind. Wait…
Her eyes go wide as the bottom drops out of her stomach. "O-okay, sweetie? I'm trying to read between the lines there but I'm really not liking what I'm getting from that."
He heaves a sigh. "Okay. Look. I didn't want to do this tonight, but…" His restless gaze jumps skyward, jumps to her, jumps to the ground and back up to the sky. "I tried to commit suicide. Twice? When I was fifteen. Fifteen was a bad year for me. And try to remember that I actually am perfectly fine now," he adds. "See how I'm not freaking out at all?"
Her brain flat-lines for a moment. "Megamind," she says again, but that's all she's able to get out.
When she continues to gape in silence, he slumps, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "Listen, Roxanne…I was going to tell you. Really. I just hadn't decided when. You don't just bring that up, right? You say something like that and people think you're a mess. Even if it happened almost twenty years ago."
There's a long silence.
"I probably should have opened with that," he mutters. "Just so you would have had a better idea of where I was coming from with all this."
"Would've been nice," she says faintly.
"It's just…I don't think you're going to do that, or anything, but it happened because…well, because I honestly couldn't think of any other way out. It was never going to stop. I almost destroyed the entire human race, but then things happened and I was reminded that there are good people in the world," he makes a vague gesture and she doesn't press him, "so I just thought, no, I'll just take myself out instead and that'll be the end of it, that'll fix everything. You know?"
"N-no, not really."
"Well, good," he says. "On a not-completely-unrelated note, it turns out I can metabolize cyanide really, really well. But listen, please, the point I've been trying to make here is that I don't want you to end up anywhere near where I was mentally. Or emotionally. That was a bad place. But if you're not prepared for what's going to happen, which you aren't, I'm…afraid. For you. Hal got one thing right-you see the good in people to a fault." He turns towards her, fixes her with that wide green gaze and stares her down. "But you haven't seen what I have, and I know that when we go public, everything is going to explode. People fear what they don't understand, and they're not going to understand us. To make matters worse, we're public figures; we're going to smash their worldviews in a really big, really loud way. And I can live with that.Iknow how to deal with that. But you…"
"But I don't," she finishes quietly, and shakes her head. "I just. I just told you that you should have tried harder to kill yourself, didn't I?"
He snorts. "Yeah, that was great."
"Of all the terrible things I could have said to you, I picked that one. Wow." She huffs a short, disbelieving laugh. "Okay. So. Here's my response-"
"You're crushing my hand," he says suddenly.
"Sorry!" She relaxes her grip. "Sorry. But listen, you know that as angry as everyone is going to be, it'll get better, right? The hype will die down eventually."
He scrubs his free hand over the side of his face. "Please."
"No, listen-I know. I'm sorry." She tries a different angle, one that hopefully won't sound like she's still trying to undermine his concerns. "Thank you for fighting me on this. You're doing this because you care about me and you're worried I'm going to get into a really bad mental place from all the hatred and everything, and you remember what that was like and you don't want that for me. So you're trying to explain what I need to be prepared for to give me some idea of what to brace myself against, because you know what it's like to have everyone against you. You also know that some of them will actively try to separate us, maybe publicly, they'll try to pit us against each other and make us think we can't even trust each other; they're going to want us to be so miserable together that we'll want to break it off."
He turns to look at her, honest surprise written in every line of his face. "Yes," he says wonderingly. "Yes, that's. That's exactly it."
"But you know what I'm going to do, when they try that? Because they will?" she asks, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. She succeeds, mostly. "I'm going to remember tonight.
"I'm going to remember that you gave me something incredibly personal just to try to explain why you were so worried about me and what would happen to my state of mind. This is the kind of thing I'd understand if you didn't want to ever tell me, but you did because I wouldn't listen to you any other way-and, Megamind, I'm so sorry."
She reaches for him, catches her arms around his shoulders and pins him against her with her fingers twisted into his coat. Her nose and mouth are buried in his scarf; she inhales hard and has to make a conscious effort not to sob when she exhales and tastes the fiery-leather smell of him. It's a strange angle to hug someone, since they're sitting side-by-side, but whatever, she makes it work.
"It-it happened a long time ago, you know that, right?" The highway and the distant stars go blurry, then clear even though she hasn't blinked-her cheeks are abruptly cold. "It's like with Washington. I am fine now, truly." He snorts, and then he's laughing. He's still laughing, after all this. "Ugh, I did not want to do this today…"
She tries to mumble something into his shoulder, but the stone in her throat jumps up and chokes her so she settles for clutching him even tighter instead. He may be fine now, but there were so many years that he wasn't and he should have been, he should have been. It isn't fair.
"I know," she finally manages to get out in a surprisingly level voice, gazing distractedly through the highway behind him, unable to focus on anything beyond how comfortingly solid he is in her arms. "I know you are. Now. But you weren't."
He sighs and rubs a hand through her hair. "I shouldn't have said anything," he mutters again.
"I'm glad you did." She sniffs. "Means I can tell you how incredibly happy I am that you're alive without feeling silly."
He chuckles. "I'm happy about that, too, believe it or not. Mark me, Roxanne." He puts his hands on her shoulders and holds her gently away from him, and tactfully doesn't mention her red eyes. "I am okay. But like I said, I want you to promise you'll talk to me. Me or Minion. Okay?"
"I promise," she says, "I will always talk to you. I'll never hang up on you. I'll never not talk to you after a fight. You and me. We work through things, like you said, both of us together."
"Thank you. That's all I ask." It's a lot more than he'd asked, but he hears what she isn't saying; I love you rings like gunfire in every word. He cards his hands into her hair again and kisses her in full view of the highway, his breath mingling with hers and curling up through the cold air. He doesn't give any sign of acknowledging the single Buick that flies past.
"Now, can we please not talk about this anymore tonight?" he asks when he pulls away, stroking her bangs away from her face with his thumb. "I was having fun."
"That sounds good," she whispers. "Fun sounds good."
"We haven't gotten to the reason I pulled us out of the car," he reminds her.
"Right."
He stands up, pulling her with him, and turns her around in his arms. "So. Getting back to how I'm an alien and you think that's awesome. See Orion over there?"
It takes her a second to locate the constellation-usually the hunter isn't lost in a mess of other stars and usually she isn't halfway freaking out-but his belt glows as bright as always and Megamind's gloved hands are heavy on her shoulders and she nods. "Yeah. Don't tell me that's where you're from."
"Hah, no." He tweaks the short hair at the nape of her neck and she makes a noise and shakes her head. "I want you to follow the line of his belt down to the left. Do you know which one Sirius is?"
"The bright one. Now my neck is all tickly, thanks."
He nudges her, laughing in her ear. "They're all bright, Roxanne. That's the point."
She shoves back, not as hard as she usually would, but she feels him grinning against her cheek and starts to feel better. "Honey, I live with an alien. I think I know how to find Canis Major."
He actually laughs at that. "Keep following that line. There are three stars in almost a line, not quite perpendicular to Orion's belt but almost. The middle one is closer to the bottom one. They're a little hard to distinguish from the rest, but…" He lifts an arm and points to them. "That kind of a shape. About as far again from Sirius as Sirius is from the last star in Orion's belt."
She squints, trying to make sense of his cryptic instructions. "They're…okay. I see them."
"Good. Now imagine that the top one and the middle one are two vertexes of an equilateral triangle aiming to the left."
"I think I got it…"
"Now, that invisible third vertex?" he says, suddenly shy. "You can't see it, it's too dim for the human eye to pick up without a telescope-but that's where I'm from."
Roxanne's mouth falls open. "Wait, really?"
He nods. "I've never been able to show you before because Michigan is so far north. I've never seen it from this vantage, myself; I've always had to route the image through from my doom-satellite."
She puts her hands on his and leans back against him, letting her head fall onto his shoulder. "I feel small."
"Puts it in perspective, doesn't it? I'm from so far out you can't even see where my house was."
"Past tense," she murmurs. "I'm sorry. I don't know if I've ever told you that."
"It's okay," he says. "I don't really remember."
"Liar." She turns around, finds him smiling quietly. "You don't forget anything."
"Such is life." He looks back up at the stars. "You all right?"
She takes a deep breath and offers up a wan sort of grin. "It's a lot to take in, but…I'm okay if you're okay."
"Oh, I am more than okay," he assures her with an easy smile. "I've been okay for a long, long time, and I've been more than okay ever since I woke up in your bed this summer and you were all cuddled up to me and warm and soft in just, agh, all the right places." He looks at her again, grinning stupidly. "We should get back in the car. I can't feel my nose."
She laughs. "Yeah, sitting on the ground-my butt is completely numb."
His grin turns wicked and hopeful as he links his arm through hers and waltzes her back across the flat land towards the highway and the car. "I could kiss it. Make it better."
"You have to drive." It's her turn to shove him off-balance; laughing, he pushes right back. "I know you're the king of multitasking, but even you aren't that good."
They've reached the car. Eyes dancing, he bumps his nose into hers; his is indeed extremely cold. "Want to bet?"
"Nope," she says, and ghosts a kiss across his mouth before jumping into the car.
Megamind presses his lips together, grinning and shaking his head, then takes one last look over his shoulder at the light he can barely see before getting back in the car and cranking up the heat. Roxanne is already fussing with the radio, but as soon as they find a good station she's settled back in her seat with her eyes closed, nodding along to the music.
He glances down at where her hand is tangled up with his on the center console and realizes that he's still grinning. He could be wrong, but he's pretty sure they've just covered the last of the things he'd been worried about sharing with her, and it's-fine. It's all fine, they're both fine, they've worked through it. The two of them. Together.
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