That one time I wrote an SBP/Havemercy THING
Adamo to Royston
August Fifteenth
Roy-
Well we are having all kinds of fun here WITHOUT YOU of course. All the livelong day we do nothing but frolic in the wartime and fly hulking metal beasts and sing merry (read: very dirty) drinking songs, you can imagine, I am sloshed ALL the time without your improving influence. Truly, my boys would do a number on any sane man. You need to hurry up and get yourself out of exile mate, else I shall be forced, FORCED I say to get you on the GIANT FLYING METAL DRAGON and steal you away to our tropical paradise, if by “tropical” you mean “Thremedon” (and I do.) We fly constantly, it frightens the shit out of the Ke-Han which you can imagine is exactly what I look for in a mode of transportation.
Ghislain has got his head stuck in a window, what the hell.
Everyone here needs a swift kick up the arse ALL THE TIME. My boys are off their collective nut, they eat the weirdest foods and Rook’s a total madman. He’s taken to threatening the young student who’s come to give us ‘sensitivity training’. Last night the boys co-operated without killing each other long enough to land him with the classic blue face. I think the student will be okay as long as he survives the next few weeks, which he might not with Rook sharpening his knives and shoving him against the wall every chance he gets.
I’ve got to go help Ghislain, speaking of which, Rook says “hello Mary Margrave! tell him I’m doing just fucking fantastic with the sensitivity training and that if it weren’t for him and his fucking biting the pillow with the prince we would’ve gotten off without even so much as a slap on the wrist’. This is of course not true. If he hadn’t slapped the diplomat’s wife on the arse and called her a ha’penny whore in public we wouldn’t all be landed with the professor. WEIRD BLOKE THAT ROOK.
I bet its cold in Nevers. Stupid exile, stupid Eric, stupid everything, COME BACK ROYSTON WE ARE DEVASTATED WITHOUT YOU but I hope the brother is alright and you’re doing well enough.
How’re the sheep?
-Adamo
Royston to Adamo
August Seventeenth
Adamo,
Do not put me on dragon or harbor misimpressions of putting me on dragon. Dragon is a grave menace to society. Am surprised you haven’t broken something semi-useful in flying it about as you do. Frolicsome airman that you are. Poor Ke-Han. Don’t envy them one bit, though I know well their woes. Send them my regards and assurances. I have to deal with you the rest of the year in any case and they’ve only a short vacation of it. Nonetheless: my deepest Ke-Han sympathies.
Nevers is very QUIET. The concept of which I am sure seems very foreign to you. Foreign Neverian custom, this QUIET. Something to do with No Owen Adamo and No Airmen and No One Getting Stuck In Windows Through Own Ineptitude. Have read seventeen books already without anyone’s chin on my shoulder. These Neverians could teach you a thing or two. I suggest next summer you vacation in Nevers. Where it is QUIET. Sorry about smudge. (The cheese sandwich is very good though.)That being said, the tutor, Hal, is a good sort. Very QUIET. Very clever. Please TRY to pronounce name properly. Name not even funny on its own. Name not even susceptible to funnification.
Get Ghislain out of the window & I miss you all naturally (and by ‘all’ I mean you and Antoinette) & the quiet will get to me & perhaps on that day I will be open to dragon trips & perhaps pigs will roast my pork chops for dinner.
-Messr. R
PS get the signature right, Adamo, because it really does count!
Adamo to Royston
August Twentieth
To:
The Right Hon. Margrave Royston
Bugger If I Know Where
Some Stupid Province Very Far Away
My MOST Esteemed Messr. R.,
‘A good sort,’ is he? Quiet and clever and far too young for you too, I imagine. I can see where this is going.
MARGRAVE ROYSTON I WILL GET YOU ON THAT DRAGON IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO. Roy you can’t IMAGINE how wild it is, it just PURRS when you get it up there, Rook calls Have the Vibrator because he is a foul-minded little hag, but honestly it is the best thing I have ever experienced, never was blackmail put to better use. You will be tied to the seat if necessary. Even BALFOUR can fly a dragon; if BALFOUR can do it you can bloody do it.
QUIET IS BORING. BOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIING. Who do you have to feel superior to without me around eh?? And if no one is reading over your shoulder who will TALK TO YOU about the interesting things that happen in your book?? (Your Sexy Young Tutor, apparently.) Tycho the Brave would not have been NEARLY as good without my running commentary, remember when I acted out that bit about the nose being cut off? I am a GENIUS.
I want to help you eat your sandwich. I am hungry now.
My boys are ‘singing’ now. Ivory’s playing that one I like though! The one with the verse about lady’s undergarments. And then Raphael is apparently singing a verse of his own invention (I knew that poetry could be put to better use). So not a complete headache-inducing nightmare.
FUNNIFICATION IS NOT A WORD ROY. Lack of Theremodon gossip has made you go soft!! oh how the mighty have fallen! the quiet will get to you soon and then we will get to you. how many castles can there possibly be in a titchy little province like Nevers. Fortunately it doesn’t really matter whether or not you’re up for it, you’re coming anyway…BE PREPARED WE COULD BE THERE ANY DAY.
Until our meeting, I remain,
In all things your most obedient servant,
&c., &c.,
Sergeant Owen Adamo, esq. The (Non-Private) Common Room
The Airman
P.S. Hey there Roy it’s Antoinette, you know I want to write you letters too but SOMEONE always has to go and write them alone in the Airman like he’s having a wank or something, and then he’s already said everything interesting and I feel useless. So this is a short note to let you know I miss you too! Though I miss interrupting your top-secret basquiat meetings with my running commentary more! You are supposed to be the responsible one. Bad show Roy, VERY bad. Anyway Anastasia’s been in Arlemagne and she brought back some real Arlemagnic chocolate! It’s massive!! Of course I thought of you so here is a bunch. One of em’s got things in that explode in your mouth-that might be nice I thought to help with the quiet, just make sure you chew carefully. See you soon mate!! (On second thoughts, Arlemagne might bring back bad memories. Though what’s this I hear about a sexy tutor?)
Antoinette