dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pausesbardiphoukaSeptember 4 2013, 08:11:56 UTC
Greetings and salutations,etc. First of all, morn does not really work. If you were going to write a poem using all the traditional tropes etc it would be one thing, but you are not. Plus it is not a rhyme, it is a near rhyme.
Which brings me to the other issue. I have nothing against rhymed poetry. I even write it on occasion, although not really that often. And I have nothing against free verse, although I believe that structure should be learned first. But that is just me.
What tends not to work though is when you mix the two, especially with no apparent reason as to why some stanzas rhyme, some near rhyme and some do not at all. But again ...that could just be me.
Sorry for the very belated edit! I'm finally here, though. Here's what I noticed:
faster, faster its no longer at your leisure -Should be "it's" (it is).
I don't think morn really works here--it's an older, while your writing style in the poem is much newer.
I think that this poem might do better without the rhyming. It's written very loosely in meter, so the rhymes don't really match up and make the poem singsongy if you try to fit it in; you've also got some lines which don't rhyme, which is distracting.
Otherwise, interesting poem; I like how descriptive it is.
Comments 2
First of all, morn does not really work. If you were going to write a poem using all the traditional tropes etc it would be one thing, but you are not. Plus it is not a rhyme, it is a near rhyme.
Which brings me to the other issue. I have nothing against rhymed poetry. I even write it on occasion, although not really that often. And I have nothing against free verse, although I believe that structure should be learned first. But that is just me.
What tends not to work though is when you mix the two, especially with no apparent reason as to why some stanzas rhyme, some near rhyme and some do not at all. But again ...that could just be me.
Reply
faster, faster its no longer at your leisure
-Should be "it's" (it is).
I don't think morn really works here--it's an older, while your writing style in the poem is much newer.
I think that this poem might do better without the rhyming. It's written very loosely in meter, so the rhymes don't really match up and make the poem singsongy if you try to fit it in; you've also got some lines which don't rhyme, which is distracting.
Otherwise, interesting poem; I like how descriptive it is.
Reply
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