To love or not to love
Ok let me give you some background:
I'm a somewhat newly single mom, I'm in my mid 20s, and "typical" has never been a word that has been used to describe me.
Not long after my ex and I split I started dating this guy (we'll call him "David" because he reminds me of the sculpture) that is not my usual type. He's attractive...Goddess is he ever attractive but he isn't really the usual type I go after. I have a long history of bad boy-itis, he's an optimistic pacifist. I tended to be attracted to brooding artist types, brood is not a word that can be found in his vocabulary. I usually dig dark hair, he's blond. So basically when I met him, and realized there was a good amount of mutual attraction, I figured "well this guy's safe. He's so unlike any guy I've dated before that there's no chance of my actually falling for him."
And at 1st it looked like I had been right. We hit it off right away in a very friends with benefits type of way. We were completely honest and open with each other. About how we felt, what we wanted, what we didn't want (a serious relationship), people we were interested in, etc. Soon, we felt that we had found in each other a friend that we could talk to about anything, who would never judge, who would always be there. We started sharing our pain with each other, crying together, comforting each other. And as I got to know the deepest "darkest" (there isnt much about him that could be classified as dark) parts of him I realized that he had the biggest heart of any man I'd ever met. He is full of compassion, empathy, quiet strength, loyalty and positive energy. But he's not afraid to stand up for himself or others when they really need it. He'll never start a fight but he'll finish it. His logical nature tempers his big heart which makes him *gasp* emotionally stable (yes ladies apparently they do exist). And in the almost year that we've been seeing each other, we've never fought. Not once. Sure there have been things we've disagreed on, but we've always been able to calmly talk it out.
And the sex. Goddess help me the sex is mind-blowing. As in I literally loose consciousnesses because the pleasure is so intense. You'd never guess it from looking at him but that man knows his way around a woman's body like no-one else and has the self control of a god. There have been many days where we do nothing but make love, talk, nap, cuddle and make love again for hours on end.
I should have paid more attention to my heart because I didn't notice how far I was falling for him. I realized it on a date I was on with another guy. And what a guy. Supermodel good looks, more money than he knew what to do with, a real gentleman, considerate and sweet with a little girl the same age as mine. I should have fallen for him instantly. I figured I would because he was so damn perfect. Then he kissed me. And all I could think about was "David". All I could see was his face. All I wanted was to be kissing him instead. Instead of being out at this fancy restaurant with this perfect man, I wanted to be curled up on "David's" bed eating pizza and laughing at youtube videos. That's when it hit me, "Holy Fuck, I'm head over heels in love with "David"". I felt like Cher in Clueless when she realized she was in love with Josh. I made some flimsy excuse and fled.
I didn't know what to do, I was freaking out. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him. When I got home I couldn't sit still. Before I knew what I was doing I was calling "David". He picked up and I blurted "I was on a date with this guy and he kissed me and I panicked and I ran." The was a long pause then, "why'd you panic?"
"I don't know, he kissed me and it felt wrong! All I could think about was....well...you."
Another pause. "Is that a bad thing?"
Was he serious? Of course it was! We'd talked about this and neither one of us wanted to be in a serious relationship at the moment, falling in love was not supposed to be on the menu. "Yes its a bad thing, I'm not supposed to be thinking of you when I'm with someone else! I'm supposed to be dating other people!"
He chuckles. "If you don't want to why are you forcing yourself to?"
"Because!!!" Not the strongest argument I've ever given so I tried again. "If we're not dating other people, only each other, then it's a relationship and we said we weren't ready for that yet. I cant handle being with only you if you're seeing other people. I don't want to be hurt that way again".
Pause. Then he said something that cinched it: "When you told me another guy kissed you my heart started racing and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't like it. I know I have no right but I didn't like it. And honestly I haven't been able to bring myself to see anyone else."
My heart filled with joy. "I love you" I whispered.
Since that conversation things have changed. How could it not? But we've both been hurt before very badly. We're both terrified of being hurt again and making the wrong decisions. I love him enough to spend the rest of my life in his arms but do I know him well enough? Can I really trust him completely with my heart? Can I trust my own judgement, when it's been so wrong in the past? We're still not technically in a relationship but everyday we get closer, it get's more real. And that makes me inexplicably happy as well as completely terrified. I love him so much but that loves scares me because when I love I love with my entire being. I give everything of myself and I've struggled to find and maintain my boundaries, to not let my love take and take until there's barely anything left of me. I've learned the hard way that that is not healthy but I'm still learning now to maintain those boundaries, what if he takes advantage of that like so many before him? I know nothing can answer those questions but time. It's just that, for me, letting myself really be his is a GIANT leap of faith. One that I want to make but fear has me motionless. I feel so vulnerable. Should I love and let myself be hopefully loved in return? Or do I protect my heart? Because I have a strong, gut instinct that if HE broke my heart, it would never recover.
I'm a somewhat newly single mom, I'm in my mid 20s, and "typical" has never been a word that has been used to describe me.
Not long after my ex and I split I started dating this guy (we'll call him "David" because he reminds me of the sculpture) that is not my usual type. He's attractive...Goddess is he ever attractive but he isn't really the usual type I go after. I have a long history of bad boy-itis, he's an optimistic pacifist. I tended to be attracted to brooding artist types, brood is not a word that can be found in his vocabulary. I usually dig dark hair, he's blond. So basically when I met him, and realized there was a good amount of mutual attraction, I figured "well this guy's safe. He's so unlike any guy I've dated before that there's no chance of my actually falling for him."
And at 1st it looked like I had been right. We hit it off right away in a very friends with benefits type of way. We were completely honest and open with each other. About how we felt, what we wanted, what we didn't want (a serious relationship), people we were interested in, etc. Soon, we felt that we had found in each other a friend that we could talk to about anything, who would never judge, who would always be there. We started sharing our pain with each other, crying together, comforting each other. And as I got to know the deepest "darkest" (there isnt much about him that could be classified as dark) parts of him I realized that he had the biggest heart of any man I'd ever met. He is full of compassion, empathy, quiet strength, loyalty and positive energy. But he's not afraid to stand up for himself or others when they really need it. He'll never start a fight but he'll finish it. His logical nature tempers his big heart which makes him *gasp* emotionally stable (yes ladies apparently they do exist). And in the almost year that we've been seeing each other, we've never fought. Not once. Sure there have been things we've disagreed on, but we've always been able to calmly talk it out.
And the sex. Goddess help me the sex is mind-blowing. As in I literally loose consciousnesses because the pleasure is so intense. You'd never guess it from looking at him but that man knows his way around a woman's body like no-one else and has the self control of a god. There have been many days where we do nothing but make love, talk, nap, cuddle and make love again for hours on end.
I should have paid more attention to my heart because I didn't notice how far I was falling for him. I realized it on a date I was on with another guy. And what a guy. Supermodel good looks, more money than he knew what to do with, a real gentleman, considerate and sweet with a little girl the same age as mine. I should have fallen for him instantly. I figured I would because he was so damn perfect. Then he kissed me. And all I could think about was "David". All I could see was his face. All I wanted was to be kissing him instead. Instead of being out at this fancy restaurant with this perfect man, I wanted to be curled up on "David's" bed eating pizza and laughing at youtube videos. That's when it hit me, "Holy Fuck, I'm head over heels in love with "David"". I felt like Cher in Clueless when she realized she was in love with Josh. I made some flimsy excuse and fled.
I didn't know what to do, I was freaking out. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him. When I got home I couldn't sit still. Before I knew what I was doing I was calling "David". He picked up and I blurted "I was on a date with this guy and he kissed me and I panicked and I ran." The was a long pause then, "why'd you panic?"
"I don't know, he kissed me and it felt wrong! All I could think about was....well...you."
Another pause. "Is that a bad thing?"
Was he serious? Of course it was! We'd talked about this and neither one of us wanted to be in a serious relationship at the moment, falling in love was not supposed to be on the menu. "Yes its a bad thing, I'm not supposed to be thinking of you when I'm with someone else! I'm supposed to be dating other people!"
He chuckles. "If you don't want to why are you forcing yourself to?"
"Because!!!" Not the strongest argument I've ever given so I tried again. "If we're not dating other people, only each other, then it's a relationship and we said we weren't ready for that yet. I cant handle being with only you if you're seeing other people. I don't want to be hurt that way again".
Pause. Then he said something that cinched it: "When you told me another guy kissed you my heart started racing and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't like it. I know I have no right but I didn't like it. And honestly I haven't been able to bring myself to see anyone else."
My heart filled with joy. "I love you" I whispered.
Since that conversation things have changed. How could it not? But we've both been hurt before very badly. We're both terrified of being hurt again and making the wrong decisions. I love him enough to spend the rest of my life in his arms but do I know him well enough? Can I really trust him completely with my heart? Can I trust my own judgement, when it's been so wrong in the past? We're still not technically in a relationship but everyday we get closer, it get's more real. And that makes me inexplicably happy as well as completely terrified. I love him so much but that loves scares me because when I love I love with my entire being. I give everything of myself and I've struggled to find and maintain my boundaries, to not let my love take and take until there's barely anything left of me. I've learned the hard way that that is not healthy but I'm still learning now to maintain those boundaries, what if he takes advantage of that like so many before him? I know nothing can answer those questions but time. It's just that, for me, letting myself really be his is a GIANT leap of faith. One that I want to make but fear has me motionless. I feel so vulnerable. Should I love and let myself be hopefully loved in return? Or do I protect my heart? Because I have a strong, gut instinct that if HE broke my heart, it would never recover.