not a very good day
so yeah, today
you might not want to read this next part. sort of gross. but honest.
I guess it started with last night, actually. long story short: I went over to a friend's, drank, and ate a huge cheese calzone.
today i had the massive guilt, followed by the purging. I looked up laxatives to lose weight with the intention of making some sort of concoction to quickly purge the gross calzone and everything else out of me. all day i couldn't stop thinking about the calzone-- sitting in my intestines, all the cheese and bread and grease and filth, just sitting in me like a brick, turning to fat and lodging itself in my body.
so I didn't make any kind of laxative or anything.
instead I scarfed down 2 pears, a big glass of water, and 5 fiber capsules. and when I say scarfed, I mean unhealthily so...I really inhaled it.
I promptly felt sick.
I told John today about my writing about all this lately-- and I said that it's sort of made things worse. I feel like I'm focusing on it more. I have grown quite accustomed to resigning to ED type thoughts repeatedly throughout the day and sweeping them under some rug in my brain. I'm sort of used to it. I am so used to it, in fact, that I have noticed over the past few days (tuning into with my thoughts), that these happen so frequently and fluently that I don't even recognize it's happening. Like in the car yesterday. My mind's playing through this ED situation/internal monologue and it plays around, until 5 minutes later I realize that its' happening.
And then trying to turn it off is, well, oddly discomforting.
I don't know why on EARTH I would want to cling to these thoughts, why I would find comfort in constant self-deprecation.
Here's the thing, though. Yes, granted, the past few days have been a little uncomfortable, and I've even gained 3 pounds. Who knew that something so silly as writing, deliberately tracking my thoughts, being honest with myself... would actually carry side effects? But it's good. I'm stirring shit up. Instead of sweeping these passing ED thoughts under the rug, I'm thinking about them. I'm asking myself what caused my mind to wander in that direction, I'm asking how I can navigate away from them.
affirmation: i love and care for my body, and it cares for me.
you might not want to read this next part. sort of gross. but honest.
I guess it started with last night, actually. long story short: I went over to a friend's, drank, and ate a huge cheese calzone.
today i had the massive guilt, followed by the purging. I looked up laxatives to lose weight with the intention of making some sort of concoction to quickly purge the gross calzone and everything else out of me. all day i couldn't stop thinking about the calzone-- sitting in my intestines, all the cheese and bread and grease and filth, just sitting in me like a brick, turning to fat and lodging itself in my body.
so I didn't make any kind of laxative or anything.
instead I scarfed down 2 pears, a big glass of water, and 5 fiber capsules. and when I say scarfed, I mean unhealthily so...I really inhaled it.
I promptly felt sick.
I told John today about my writing about all this lately-- and I said that it's sort of made things worse. I feel like I'm focusing on it more. I have grown quite accustomed to resigning to ED type thoughts repeatedly throughout the day and sweeping them under some rug in my brain. I'm sort of used to it. I am so used to it, in fact, that I have noticed over the past few days (tuning into with my thoughts), that these happen so frequently and fluently that I don't even recognize it's happening. Like in the car yesterday. My mind's playing through this ED situation/internal monologue and it plays around, until 5 minutes later I realize that its' happening.
And then trying to turn it off is, well, oddly discomforting.
I don't know why on EARTH I would want to cling to these thoughts, why I would find comfort in constant self-deprecation.
Here's the thing, though. Yes, granted, the past few days have been a little uncomfortable, and I've even gained 3 pounds. Who knew that something so silly as writing, deliberately tracking my thoughts, being honest with myself... would actually carry side effects? But it's good. I'm stirring shit up. Instead of sweeping these passing ED thoughts under the rug, I'm thinking about them. I'm asking myself what caused my mind to wander in that direction, I'm asking how I can navigate away from them.
affirmation: i love and care for my body, and it cares for me.