Pointless whining...
So, depression's really starting to kick in.
I'm having to fight so hard for medical treatment, and the one person I thought actually got it then accused me of drug-seeking. Consequently I'm now too afraid to go back and ask for more painkillers even though I don't have enough.
It just feels pointless. I've been trying so hard for 4 months to get someone to help. They don't understand that I literally cannot do anything. I'm starting to think it's pointless trying to get help for it. It's obviously not severe enough to warrant attention.
My house is out of town, I can't drive and my boyfriend and housemate have their own lives. If I want to go anywhere with them I have to drag them away early because it hurts me too much to stay out, or get them to shuttle me places. I'm not safe to drive on the painkillers and the few times I've not taken them so that I can drive I can't push the clutch pedal without screaming. I'm just a massive inconvenience to everyone.
All my friends are sporty people. I don't know how to communicate to people with 'normal lives'. I catch up with my friends in the gym, out on the water kayaking or at the climbing wall. At the moment I can't do any of that, so I have nothing to contribute, nothing to say. I'm boring. Useless.
I also have a grim cold coming on, I hate freshers week.
I know the positive self-talk stuff, I know they don't mind taking me places, I know its really OK and I'm blowing it out of proportion and being overdramatic.
I know that too, I'm not stupid.
I'm just tired and frustrated. I'm in agony and life is so meaningless and painful.
I've had enough. This isn't fair. I've been through enough and I can't keep dealing with all this crap.