[Bitch Fest]
Title: Bitch Fest
Pairing: Heechul x Sungmin; implied Kyumin, Hanchul
Genre: Cracky humour?
Rating: PG-13 (mentions of sex)
Summary: Heechul and Sungmin spend some quality time going at what they do best: bitching.
A/N: Beta'd by princess_jaded ~ I realized I have shitloads of punctuation errors =__="" First genuine attempt at writing humour (I fail) AND Heechul (without prompts, I think the sky is falling...) I might start taking a liking to Heechul now *shoots self*. Comments are <3'd. Prize to the person who names all the 'unidentified parts' with the correct kpop band member.~
Heechul tapped the table to an annoying beat, his breathing rough and erratic. Only after a while did he realize he was tapping Ring Ding Dong, he slammed his hand on the table as Sungmin walked through the door.
“Sungmin-ah,” Heechul called out as the younger man took off his shoes.
“Yes Heechul hyung?” Sungmin politely replied, honorifics still present despite it only being the two of them.
“I was just thinking, do you hate anyone?” Heechul asked his dongsaeng. He figured that if someone else in the group was a bitch at heart, there was a big chance of that someone being Sungmin.
“No, not in particular. Why?” Sungmin’s curiosity flipped the table on Heechul as he was put on the spot, “Do you hate someone?”
“I don’t hate anyone… but it’s just that some people bug me.”
“Like who.”
“First person that comes to mind is Key; that boy has got to stop acting so diva on stage, I mean grow a set of balls for crying out loud.” Heechul snapped suddenly, “Have you seen the way the boy moves his body? Give him a freaking wig and he’d look twice as good as Kara or 4minute, or any of those ‘girl’ groups.”
Sungmin tried stifling a giggle but Heechul saw the curve of his lips.
“What?”
“Nothing, hyung…” Sungmin attempted keeping his act together before he burst into a mess of laughter.
“Hyung, you should see… how you are on stage…” Sungmin’s high pitched laugh echoed inside Heechul’s ears as Heechul closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.
“Yeah okay anyways,” Heechul snapped his fingers and jerked his head, “I don’t like Yoona or Yuri either! Have you seen how the camera focuses on them, I mean seriously.”
“But Yuri is so nice; Yoona, too,” Sungmin defended the two SNSD members.
“Yeah but they’re hogging the spotlight. What about the other six members. All I see is Yuri dazzling and winking at the camera and Yoona’s overused logo face. Hyoyeon doesn’t even exist.”
Sungmin nodded, dipping his head in agreement.
“You know, it’s kinda not fun if only one person bitches.” Heechul clicked the top of his mouth with his tongue, “There has to be someone you hate.”
“I guess Taecyeon kind of annoys me…” Sungmin’s voice trailed off.
“Don’t even get me started on the 2PM guys.” Heechul bolted up in his chair. “Who do they think they are, ripping their shirts off and showing their muscles, what is it, some sort of a strip show or something?”
“That’s a bit extreme, hyung… I mean Wooyoung-sshi is okay, he’s really cute. Nickhun is a really really down to earth guy. I just think Taecyeon is overrated.”
“And their magnae, what’s his name…”
“Chansung?"
“Yeah, if he showed less skin and actually presented his talents, I wouldn’t mind him. Besides all magnaes are like, overrated because they’re the youngest and that automatically makes them cuter” Heechul continued his wrath about 2PM.
Sungmin whined, “Even KyuuuKyuuu, people all say he has the best voice when Yesung-hyung is obviously better.”
“You know who else is overrated? TOP from Big Bang!” Heechul screeched, “He’s not even that good looking. I mean okay he’s sorta hot, but like, I wouldn’t date him.”
Sungmin widened his eyes as Heechul closed his mouth.
“What, don’t give me that look. Everyone, men and women, fall for TOP.”
“Mmm, I think out of Big Bang, I only like Taeyang-sshi.” Sungmin swooned and leaned against Heechul, “his voice is so dreamy… it’s like putting together KyuKyu, Hyukkie and Siwon…”
“Yah! Get off me,” Heechul pushed Sungmin up, “Taeyang sshi is okay, if he was a bit taller and less shy, I wouldn’t mind him.”
“Heechul-hyung, do you only like judge them by seeing if you would date them?”
“No… no, I’m not that shallow.” Heechul slapped Sungmin on the arm. “Your Heechul-hyung has an air of sophistication and a heart of gold.”
“Yeah, that’s like saying Ryeowook doesn’t like acting cute and I don’t like pink,” Sungmin pouted his lips and pointed to his pink sweater he was wearing, all the while rolling his eyes.
“I always knew you didn’t like Wookie!” Heechul snapped back at the boy. “Are you jealous that he’s better at being cute than our wittle Minnie?” He reached forward and grabbed Sungmin’s cheek, pulling at the soft flesh.
“Don’t you put words in my mouth, I love Ryeowook,” Sungmin shot back as he knocked Heechul’s hand away. The pair were firing off comments at one another, “I don’t like how Sunny threw me under the bus though.”
“Oh, on Star Golden Bell, yeah, I watched that episode and she said you had smelly feet.” Sungmin squinted and frowned at him. “You should fix that though.” Heechul pinched his nose and pretended to fan away the smell.
“My feet… pfft, you should smell Hyukkie. Aish…” Heechul swore Sungmin turned a faint tint of green. “Sunny acts way too cute! Like when we did our radio, she wouldn’t stop being so cutesy on air. I was like, can you puhlease grow up, you’re freaking twenty-one already.”
“Yeah, she’s kinda like Hongki. I love that man but… he needs to grow up sometimes.”
“I love Sunny too, but sometimes her jokes are just not funny, period.” Sungmin shifted into a more comfortable position before joining Heechul as they continued bashing about the little things in their lives.
“Do you think we’re bitches, hyung?” Sungmin asked him with puppy dog eyes. “I mean I don’t think other people talk about their friends behind their backs.”
“Oh Minnie, you’re so naïve.” Heechul ruffled his hair. “You should hear some of the things people say about you.”
Sungmin beamed him a deathly glare.
“They’re not that bad. They just say that… how should I put this…” Heechul teased the younger boy, “you actually look really cute with ‘KyuKyu’ and the two of you should get married.”
Sungmin flushed a shade of light pink before he retaliated.
“Well I heard rumours that you have a marriage certificate with Hankyung hyung,” Sungmin stuck out his tongue. “And the reason why you’re always so moody is because Hankyung doesn’t listen to you”
Sungmin shrugged his shoulders innocently before he suddenly pounced back on his chair when Heechul snapped his fingers in his face.
“At night,” Sungmin winked at his hyung before Heechul leapt on the younger boy. “Look at your nimble movements, I bet the reason why you limp around nowadays is probably because of your nightly activities with Hankyung hyung.”
“Sungmin ah, you should really control your voice at night.” Heechul let go of Sungmin’s collar, “I seriously can hear you moaning Kyuhyun’s name from a floor up. Maybe that’s why Eunhyuk and them haven’t been getting a lot of sleep.”
Sungmin crossed his arms and looked the other way.
~ || ~
“Angel my ass.” Heechul stammered after a gulp of orange juice, “I bloody swear something’s wrong with everyone, he’s not even good looking and his muscles are so… UGH!”
“And all the shipping gets annoying too,” Sungmin mumbled. “I like YunSu better.”
“God, what are you, a secret fangirl at heart?” Heechul giggled as he ruffled Sungmin’s hair, “I bet you write wittle wuv stories for them.”
“At least I’m not a netizen!” Sungmin fluffed up Heechul’s hair as the two began pulling harder and harder
~ || ~
“JUN PYO!!!” Heechul screamed.
“YI JUNG!!!” Sungmin screamed back.
“JUN PYOOOOO!!!” Heechul closed his eyes and shrieked.
“Obviously Yi Jung is the better character and the better actor.” Sungmin smiled softly, “Wouldn’t you like to see Lee Min Ho playing a gay character so you can fantasize about him?”
“You’re such a fucking bitch Lee Sungmin.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
~ || ~
“I’m sorry but she looks like she has Down’s Syndrome sometimes,” Heechul rolled his eyes.
“HYUNG!!” Sungmin screamed at him. "She's from the same company as us..."
“Have you seen the way she laughs?” Heechul shuddered, “I stop watching We Got Married because of her, and raccoon face was on the show.”
~ || ~
“God and why the bloody hell did he buy that rodent, it’s so small I’m scared I might step on it.”
“Reptile. Turtles are reptiles.”
“Yeah whatever, I don’t like small things.”
Sungmin sniggered before mouthing Hankyung’s name to Heechul.
~ || ~
“No I admire him because he has star power…” Sungmin countered Heechul’s point, “at least he’s awesome at variety shows. Plus he keeps 2AM alive, right?”
“Granted, but his face needs a bit of work.” Heechul stroked his flawless face.
~ || ~
“That girl needs a lesson with men,” Heechul repeated himself.
“I have a lot of respect for her, have you seen the way she presents herself,” Sungmin cut off his hyung.
“So what, you need to be able to seduce the audience.”
“She’s doing a way better job than you are,” Sungmin winked before he was rewarded with a snarl.
~ || ~
“Do you get the hype with that new group that supposedly beats Wondergirls and SNSD combined?” Heechul banged his cup on the table, motioning for more orange juice.
“I don care e e e e e e.”
“Bitchwhat chu say to me?”
“Have you ever even listened to people’s music before you judge them?”
“Who the bloody hell does that…”
“And you say you’re not superficial…”
~ || ~ 6 hours later ~ || ~
“Since when did you two become so close?” Leeteuk eyed them suspiciously when Heechul and Sungmin sat beside each other for dinner.
“We were always close, Teukie-hyung,” Sungmin replied as he handed Heechul a bowl of rice, stealing it from Yesung who hadn’t noticed.
“No you weren’t. What happened now?” Leeteuk continued questioning, his motherly senses tingling at the sudden bonding between Sungmin and Heechul.
“Aish, Leeteuk, you think too much.” Heechul took Shindong’s chopsticks and handed them to Sungmin. “Give some of your thinking power to our airhead.”
“Airhead, what’s an airhead?” Donghae looked up at Heechul.
“Someone that doesn’t understand anything,” Heechul replied with a smirk as he nudged Sungmin on the ribs.
“Oh… who’s the airhead?” Donghae asked again as he looked around the table, stopping at each member before Hankyung put a piece of chicken on his plate.
“Oh, yay! Duck!"
“Chicken… Hae, that’s a piece of chicken.”
Pairing: Heechul x Sungmin; implied Kyumin, Hanchul
Genre: Cracky humour?
Rating: PG-13 (mentions of sex)
Summary: Heechul and Sungmin spend some quality time going at what they do best: bitching.
A/N: Beta'd by princess_jaded ~ I realized I have shitloads of punctuation errors =__="" First genuine attempt at writing humour (I fail) AND Heechul (without prompts, I think the sky is falling...) I might start taking a liking to Heechul now *shoots self*. Comments are <3'd. Prize to the person who names all the 'unidentified parts' with the correct kpop band member.~
Heechul tapped the table to an annoying beat, his breathing rough and erratic. Only after a while did he realize he was tapping Ring Ding Dong, he slammed his hand on the table as Sungmin walked through the door.
“Sungmin-ah,” Heechul called out as the younger man took off his shoes.
“Yes Heechul hyung?” Sungmin politely replied, honorifics still present despite it only being the two of them.
“I was just thinking, do you hate anyone?” Heechul asked his dongsaeng. He figured that if someone else in the group was a bitch at heart, there was a big chance of that someone being Sungmin.
“No, not in particular. Why?” Sungmin’s curiosity flipped the table on Heechul as he was put on the spot, “Do you hate someone?”
“I don’t hate anyone… but it’s just that some people bug me.”
“Like who.”
“First person that comes to mind is Key; that boy has got to stop acting so diva on stage, I mean grow a set of balls for crying out loud.” Heechul snapped suddenly, “Have you seen the way the boy moves his body? Give him a freaking wig and he’d look twice as good as Kara or 4minute, or any of those ‘girl’ groups.”
Sungmin tried stifling a giggle but Heechul saw the curve of his lips.
“What?”
“Nothing, hyung…” Sungmin attempted keeping his act together before he burst into a mess of laughter.
“Hyung, you should see… how you are on stage…” Sungmin’s high pitched laugh echoed inside Heechul’s ears as Heechul closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.
“Yeah okay anyways,” Heechul snapped his fingers and jerked his head, “I don’t like Yoona or Yuri either! Have you seen how the camera focuses on them, I mean seriously.”
“But Yuri is so nice; Yoona, too,” Sungmin defended the two SNSD members.
“Yeah but they’re hogging the spotlight. What about the other six members. All I see is Yuri dazzling and winking at the camera and Yoona’s overused logo face. Hyoyeon doesn’t even exist.”
Sungmin nodded, dipping his head in agreement.
“You know, it’s kinda not fun if only one person bitches.” Heechul clicked the top of his mouth with his tongue, “There has to be someone you hate.”
“I guess Taecyeon kind of annoys me…” Sungmin’s voice trailed off.
“Don’t even get me started on the 2PM guys.” Heechul bolted up in his chair. “Who do they think they are, ripping their shirts off and showing their muscles, what is it, some sort of a strip show or something?”
“That’s a bit extreme, hyung… I mean Wooyoung-sshi is okay, he’s really cute. Nickhun is a really really down to earth guy. I just think Taecyeon is overrated.”
“And their magnae, what’s his name…”
“Chansung?"
“Yeah, if he showed less skin and actually presented his talents, I wouldn’t mind him. Besides all magnaes are like, overrated because they’re the youngest and that automatically makes them cuter” Heechul continued his wrath about 2PM.
Sungmin whined, “Even KyuuuKyuuu, people all say he has the best voice when Yesung-hyung is obviously better.”
“You know who else is overrated? TOP from Big Bang!” Heechul screeched, “He’s not even that good looking. I mean okay he’s sorta hot, but like, I wouldn’t date him.”
Sungmin widened his eyes as Heechul closed his mouth.
“What, don’t give me that look. Everyone, men and women, fall for TOP.”
“Mmm, I think out of Big Bang, I only like Taeyang-sshi.” Sungmin swooned and leaned against Heechul, “his voice is so dreamy… it’s like putting together KyuKyu, Hyukkie and Siwon…”
“Yah! Get off me,” Heechul pushed Sungmin up, “Taeyang sshi is okay, if he was a bit taller and less shy, I wouldn’t mind him.”
“Heechul-hyung, do you only like judge them by seeing if you would date them?”
“No… no, I’m not that shallow.” Heechul slapped Sungmin on the arm. “Your Heechul-hyung has an air of sophistication and a heart of gold.”
“Yeah, that’s like saying Ryeowook doesn’t like acting cute and I don’t like pink,” Sungmin pouted his lips and pointed to his pink sweater he was wearing, all the while rolling his eyes.
“I always knew you didn’t like Wookie!” Heechul snapped back at the boy. “Are you jealous that he’s better at being cute than our wittle Minnie?” He reached forward and grabbed Sungmin’s cheek, pulling at the soft flesh.
“Don’t you put words in my mouth, I love Ryeowook,” Sungmin shot back as he knocked Heechul’s hand away. The pair were firing off comments at one another, “I don’t like how Sunny threw me under the bus though.”
“Oh, on Star Golden Bell, yeah, I watched that episode and she said you had smelly feet.” Sungmin squinted and frowned at him. “You should fix that though.” Heechul pinched his nose and pretended to fan away the smell.
“My feet… pfft, you should smell Hyukkie. Aish…” Heechul swore Sungmin turned a faint tint of green. “Sunny acts way too cute! Like when we did our radio, she wouldn’t stop being so cutesy on air. I was like, can you puhlease grow up, you’re freaking twenty-one already.”
“Yeah, she’s kinda like Hongki. I love that man but… he needs to grow up sometimes.”
“I love Sunny too, but sometimes her jokes are just not funny, period.” Sungmin shifted into a more comfortable position before joining Heechul as they continued bashing about the little things in their lives.
“Do you think we’re bitches, hyung?” Sungmin asked him with puppy dog eyes. “I mean I don’t think other people talk about their friends behind their backs.”
“Oh Minnie, you’re so naïve.” Heechul ruffled his hair. “You should hear some of the things people say about you.”
Sungmin beamed him a deathly glare.
“They’re not that bad. They just say that… how should I put this…” Heechul teased the younger boy, “you actually look really cute with ‘KyuKyu’ and the two of you should get married.”
Sungmin flushed a shade of light pink before he retaliated.
“Well I heard rumours that you have a marriage certificate with Hankyung hyung,” Sungmin stuck out his tongue. “And the reason why you’re always so moody is because Hankyung doesn’t listen to you”
Sungmin shrugged his shoulders innocently before he suddenly pounced back on his chair when Heechul snapped his fingers in his face.
“At night,” Sungmin winked at his hyung before Heechul leapt on the younger boy. “Look at your nimble movements, I bet the reason why you limp around nowadays is probably because of your nightly activities with Hankyung hyung.”
“Sungmin ah, you should really control your voice at night.” Heechul let go of Sungmin’s collar, “I seriously can hear you moaning Kyuhyun’s name from a floor up. Maybe that’s why Eunhyuk and them haven’t been getting a lot of sleep.”
Sungmin crossed his arms and looked the other way.
~ || ~
“Angel my ass.” Heechul stammered after a gulp of orange juice, “I bloody swear something’s wrong with everyone, he’s not even good looking and his muscles are so… UGH!”
“And all the shipping gets annoying too,” Sungmin mumbled. “I like YunSu better.”
“God, what are you, a secret fangirl at heart?” Heechul giggled as he ruffled Sungmin’s hair, “I bet you write wittle wuv stories for them.”
“At least I’m not a netizen!” Sungmin fluffed up Heechul’s hair as the two began pulling harder and harder
~ || ~
“JUN PYO!!!” Heechul screamed.
“YI JUNG!!!” Sungmin screamed back.
“JUN PYOOOOO!!!” Heechul closed his eyes and shrieked.
“Obviously Yi Jung is the better character and the better actor.” Sungmin smiled softly, “Wouldn’t you like to see Lee Min Ho playing a gay character so you can fantasize about him?”
“You’re such a fucking bitch Lee Sungmin.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
~ || ~
“I’m sorry but she looks like she has Down’s Syndrome sometimes,” Heechul rolled his eyes.
“HYUNG!!” Sungmin screamed at him. "She's from the same company as us..."
“Have you seen the way she laughs?” Heechul shuddered, “I stop watching We Got Married because of her, and raccoon face was on the show.”
~ || ~
“God and why the bloody hell did he buy that rodent, it’s so small I’m scared I might step on it.”
“Reptile. Turtles are reptiles.”
“Yeah whatever, I don’t like small things.”
Sungmin sniggered before mouthing Hankyung’s name to Heechul.
~ || ~
“No I admire him because he has star power…” Sungmin countered Heechul’s point, “at least he’s awesome at variety shows. Plus he keeps 2AM alive, right?”
“Granted, but his face needs a bit of work.” Heechul stroked his flawless face.
~ || ~
“That girl needs a lesson with men,” Heechul repeated himself.
“I have a lot of respect for her, have you seen the way she presents herself,” Sungmin cut off his hyung.
“So what, you need to be able to seduce the audience.”
“She’s doing a way better job than you are,” Sungmin winked before he was rewarded with a snarl.
~ || ~
“Do you get the hype with that new group that supposedly beats Wondergirls and SNSD combined?” Heechul banged his cup on the table, motioning for more orange juice.
“I don care e e e e e e.”
“Bitchwhat chu say to me?”
“Have you ever even listened to people’s music before you judge them?”
“Who the bloody hell does that…”
“And you say you’re not superficial…”
~ || ~ 6 hours later ~ || ~
“Since when did you two become so close?” Leeteuk eyed them suspiciously when Heechul and Sungmin sat beside each other for dinner.
“We were always close, Teukie-hyung,” Sungmin replied as he handed Heechul a bowl of rice, stealing it from Yesung who hadn’t noticed.
“No you weren’t. What happened now?” Leeteuk continued questioning, his motherly senses tingling at the sudden bonding between Sungmin and Heechul.
“Aish, Leeteuk, you think too much.” Heechul took Shindong’s chopsticks and handed them to Sungmin. “Give some of your thinking power to our airhead.”
“Airhead, what’s an airhead?” Donghae looked up at Heechul.
“Someone that doesn’t understand anything,” Heechul replied with a smirk as he nudged Sungmin on the ribs.
“Oh… who’s the airhead?” Donghae asked again as he looked around the table, stopping at each member before Hankyung put a piece of chicken on his plate.
“Oh, yay! Duck!"
“Chicken… Hae, that’s a piece of chicken.”