Title: Letter to Myself
Pairing: Haemin, ninja! KangSung, broken HaeSica
Genre: FluffyAngsty Romance. Implied smut if you think hard enough~ Highschool!AU
Rating: PG-14 (swearing+kissing)
Word Count: 3983
Summary: It's the last day of school and the graduate class receive their letters they wrote to themselves back in grade eight. Sungmin re-read two particular lines and realizes he's been hiding from the truth, Lee Donghae.
A/N: FAIL!angst. FAIL!Fluff. FAIL!SMUT. This failed on all three genres, I don't think it's even that romantic TBH. I wanted hardcore angsty smut and breakup and dying and end of the world chaos, but I'll settle for this. I need more angst, I've never failed so hard before in an angst piece (I don't think). Usual, comments are <3. It's not the best quality, because... I'm getting lazy =[
Sungmin smiled bitterly as he took one last walk around their school. Who would have thought that five years felt like only yesterday when the pair of majestic doors stood tall and intimidating. Five years later, it felt surreal that he was actually graduating and moving on to university. It felt like time had fast forwarded itself and suddenly it was yesterday when they wrote their entrance exam for qualification.
Sungmin fidgeted with his navy blue tie and fixed up the collar of his blazer, also navy blue in colour. He didn’t mind the uniforms to be honest, even though there had been student-led campaigns that wanted the abolishment of the student dress code. He strolled slowly as his hand traced along the metal lockers before he stopped at his own.
#2581. His locker for the past five years of high school, and the one beside it, 2582, was Donghae’s.
Perhaps it was the fact they shared the same last names, Lee Donghae and Lee Sungmin, that had helped them bond from the start.
Sungmin still remembered the first time he laid his eyes open the other boy, they had been placed in the same home room. As usual, they had some lame icebreaker activity and they were put into pairs. Immediately Sungmin could tell that he was reliable as both a friend and a classmate after they briefly introduced themselves. From the way his hair was half-heartedly styled, likely because he was rushing to even make it on time, to his wrinkled sleeves of his dress shirt and one of the dangling cuff links, and the way he always looked like he was daydreaming, Sungmin could picture the two of them being good friends.
He had been correct, and Sungmin took an immediate liking towards Donghae.
Soft footsteps echoed behind Sungmin and a familiar hand reached for his. “Sungmin, come on!!” Donghae smiled at him as he tugged on his wrist. Sungmin nodded and followed his friend to the gym.
The trail of people slowly dribbled through the bottleneck doors as people scrambled around. The teachers and administrative staff had trouble coping with the uncontrollable bunch. The gymnasium finally settled down as their graduate class found their designed desks. A plain white envelope with beautiful cursive writing etched their names on it
It was their letter to themselves, a letter that they wrote in the beginning of grade eight where they wrote down prospective goals they had for the future.
The usual responses revolved around good grades, getting into special programs, making the honour roll, getting into a university, typical naïve responses from the minds of thirteen year olds. Minutes later, whimpers and sobs chained inside the gymnasium as students began crying. One sob led to another, groups of friends huddled together, holding each other while waves of bittersweet memories washed over the open space. Some were hysterical sobs with flailing arms while others were soft whimpers that mimicked young pets. A few of the boys simply buried their face in their arms. Many suppressed their tears as they traced along their eyes, flicking away the wet trails before more tears took their place.
Sungmin was no different from the general population of students. Everybody dreamed of being lawyers or doctors, but the likelihoods of those dreams coming true were slim to none, even though Sungmin could pursue either path if he chose to. He skimmed over the lines about his school goals, half laughing half crying at his accomplishments. But when he read the latter lines of his letter to himself, he felt a throbbing knot inside his stomach.
In his ugly penmanship, something he would be embarrassed about revealing nowadays, he re-read two lines over again and again. He couldn’t even control his tear glands as they secreted droplets of sorrow.
I hope to find someone I like in high school. I want to be in love at least once before this ends.
Donghae gave him a hug soon after he noticed his best friend shedding tears, it was a rare occasion since crying was not a form of release Sungmin practiced. Sungmin tightened his fingers around the faded paper when he felt a pair of arms around his body. With their similar last names, they had been placed somewhat close to one another. Donghae had also been crying, probably because he made his goal about getting into a post-secondary institute.
Donghae’s protective arms around Sungmin only made him sob harder. The way his arms delicately wrapped themselves around his shoulders, making a full loop and encasing his body into his embrace made everything that much worse.
“Can I read what you wrote?” Donghae slurred while he rocked Sungmin in his arms. “I promise I won’t laugh.”
Sungmin pushed Donghae away before Donghae rebounded and latched his arms onto Sungmin again.
“Please?” Donghae whispered into his ear. Sungmin shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. Donghae’s warmth radiated from him as Sungmin gave in, slowly sinking into his embrace.
“Students who have read their letter may take their leave if they choose to do so.” Their principal announced with a microphone. “We wish you the best of luck in everything you pursue in the future.”
“Remember to stay safe, and come back and visit. Don’t do drugs, and don’t smoke!!” Their counselor added while she forcefully grabbed the microphone. Their counselor had been with them since the start, essentially she watched them grow and mature. She had been their second mother, quite literally, due to her overprotective nature and constant nagging.
“Do you want to go now?” Donghae blinked his wide bubbly eyes, which never failed to make Sungmin smile. It felt like any other day whenever Sungmin was upset, Donghae never failed to make him happy. He carelessly scrunched up the piece of paper and stuffed it into the pocket of his dark blue blazer. He arched an eyebrow as Sungmin remained glued to his seat.
But today, even before he re-read the letter, Sungmin couldn’t even sort through his own emotions as he literally phased out on the spot. When he traced his hand on Donghae’s locker, there was just this feeling bubbling inside of him. It’d been boiling for a while, the feelings getting more concentrated as the unnecessary evaporated away, but Sungmin paralyzed himself with work and school, hoping that the two combined together could construct a barrier against this foreign thing.
“Sungmin, come on let’s go.” Donghae whined while Youngwoon and Jongwoon passed by him. The two boys were one of the few pairs publicly going out. Awkward as they might seem at first glance, from Jongwoon’s feminine and reserved attitude contrasting Youngwoon’s loud and impulsive mouth, the pair lasted much longer than people’s predictions.
Sungmin unfolded the letter again and re-read the last two lines. The words peeled off the page and echoed inside his ear canal as Sungmin closed his eyes. The similar knot in his gut returned and it made Sungmin sick. The alienated feelings came back, harder and throbbing for attention.
I hope to find someone I like in high school. I want to be in love at least once before this ends.
“Well, I’m going to leave without you.” Sungmin didn’t care when he heard Donghae grumble, followed by two whiny stomps. He had been long immune to his whining. Donghae should have known that already, his whiny act didn’t work anymore. “Sungmin!!!”
I want to be in love at least once before this ends.
It was ending. His high school life was ending, and even though Sungmin had secretly thought about the correct term to associate his friendship with Donghae, he had drowned himself with school work, hoping it would numb these feelings and block them out forever.
The two were undeniably close friends, friendship to the point that it made them feel like brothers. There had been rumors that the two were going Whenever Donghae was around, it was hard to be angry or upset, Donghae was always there to cheer him up, intentionally and unintentionally alike. Whenever he cracked a lame joke or made some funny face he spent hours the night before mastering, Donghae made Sungmin feel special.
It’s that unexplainable feeling when words just don’t make sense. The feeling where your heart bubbles up and everything seems to spew out rainbows and pretty dandelions.
Maybe that feeling was love. Sungmin always looked forward to the early mornings when Donghae and he would rest by their lockers, usually one of them leaning against the other’s shoulders as they caught a few minutes of much needed sleep before class started. Usually Donghae slept like a log resting against Sungmin. Lunch times, they would sit together, occasionally with a few friends, and talk about anything that relevant in their lives, including the latest reliable gossip that Donghae managed to pry out from Youngwoon. After school, they would just find a table in the cafeteria, hit the track, or go catch a movie and spend time together whenever they could, if schoolwork hadn’t being a pain.
Their friendship was difficult to characterize. Maybe it was love. He turned his head sixty degrees and looked at Donghae, who smiled sweetly at him. Maybe all the times he had chosen to avoid these feelings, he was simply denying the fact that he was in love. He was in love with his best friend, Lee Donghae.
Donghae grabbed Sungmin and hoisted him onto his back before Sungmin realized what was going on.
“Hae, what are yo-” Sungmin screamed out before Donghae gripped the back of his legs. Sungmin was about to fall backwards before Donghae bounced him like a sack of potatoes, steadying his center of gravity.
“Because you refuse to move. Bye Mrs. Kim, I love you.” Donghae waved with one hand before he realized he was piggybacking Sungmin, and the action almost had the both of them tumbling towards the floor before Sungmin reached out to grab something. Donghae yelped when Sungmin tugged at a patch of his hair like he was tugging on the mane of a horse.
“Hae!! Put me down. Donghae-ah!!” Sungmin squealed as Donghae charged out of the way, a trail of laughter from their classmates echoing behind them. Slowly, Sungmin relaxed and gave in to Donghae’s childish acts. Even though Sungmin was eighteen and Donghae was seventeen, his friend still had the mentality of a twelve year old.
Sungmin slowly wrapped his arms around Donghae’s shoulder blades, clasping his hands right under Donghae’s throat. He rested himself against his hood as Donghae continued bouncing down the hallway.
Hae, thank you. Thank you so much, Donghae.
It smelt like Downy, with a hint of lavender, Sungmin recalled their family’s laundry room when he last visited, which was probably two days ago. The fresh scent mixed with the smell of Donghae. Not that it was a bad odor, but it just smelt of Donghae. His green apple hair wax joined the lavender in his nose as Sungmin inhaled another breath of Donghae’s intoxicating aroma.
After a few minutes, they ended up by their lockers again as Donghae gently slid Sungmin off his back.
“Now wasn’t that fun?” Donghae sighed as he sprawled himself on the hallway. The glossy brown tiles had been waxed and swept in preparation for the school closure. He waved his arms and legs like he was making a snow angel.
“Not really, people were laughing at us.” Sungmin rested his back against the row of lockers.
“But you enjoyed it, right?” Donghae pouted as he scooted over to where Sungmin was sitting, using his legs to kick at the hallway. The friction caused him to whelp in pain as he rested his head on Sungmin’s stomach.
“Not really.” Sungmin looked away from Donghae and stared at the bulletin board in front of his eyes.
“Can you believe this is over?” Donghae sighed as he began playing with Sungmin’s right pocket flap. His other hand went up to his tie as he tugged it out of place, soothing the constricting squeeze on his neck.
“Not really, I mean we’re almost adults now, if you think about it.”
“Will you still remember me next year? I mean we’re going in our separate ways.” Donghae held Sungmin’s hand and placed them on top of his chest. Sungmin felt the lump in his throat enlarge and the knot tighten in his gut. It had been a simple gesture of friendship, yet a stream of butterflies attack Sungmin’s stomach.
That was human nature. The more you deny something; really it only illustrates how much you want it. The more something is restricted, the greater the desire for one to pursue and own the object. Principles in physics, the larger the displacement, the greater the restoring force of the spring. Harder you push on it, the harder it pushes back.
It was their last day of high school together and it could occur that they might never see each other again. Lee Donghae and Lee Sungmin were going off to separate universities, leading their own life with new friends and new priorities.
“Hae…” Sungmin’s voice died inside his throat. He had so much to tell Donghae, but none of the words wanted to come out of his mouth. Unspoken words, unshed tears, unexplainable feelings, there was so much he wanted to unleash on his friend. Maybe he should just tell him.
“What is it?” Donghae snuggled up closer against Sungmin’s body. For a split second, Sungmin willed himself to keep his selfishness in and enjoy whatever moments they had left together. He rejected the feelings, once and for all before he finally lost balance when the force knocked him over.
“Donghae-ah.” Sungmin began crying again as he looked down at the boy cradled on his body.
Donghae sat up and looked at his weeping friend.
“Sungmin, I didn’t mean it like that.” He began flailing his arms. It was a Donghae thing, something he did whenever he got nervous or scared. “Sungmin, I won’t forget you, ever.” Donghae seized Sungmin into a tight hug, their legs awkwardly spread apart and interlocking between them.
“Don’t cry, Sungmin-ah.” Donghae said as he tightened his arms, squeezing more tears out of Sungmin. “I’ll still be your friend.”
“Hae…” Sungmin sobbed into his collar.
“Sungmin-ah, stop it.” Donghae pulled Sungmin off of him and stared at his best friend. He was tearing up as the two friends stared at each other crying, tears of one fueling the tears of the other. “You know I hate it when you cry, you promised me you will be happy, right?”
“Hae… I love you.” Sungmin squeaked before he buried his head in his arms, his legs shrinking back as he tucked them close to his body.
“I love you too. You know I love you, and I know you love me, you didn’t even need to tell me that.” Donghae leaned forward and gently brushed Sungmin’s bangs away from his teary eyes. His arms reached around Sungmin’s body and rotated his body gently on the spot.
“No, Donghae, I’m in love you.” Sungmin blurted out before the regret quickly caught up to him like a bullet shooting him in the face, point blank. He felt Donghae slowly let go as he broke their hug. The emptiness exponentially grew as Donghae furthered their distance like a timid animal. Sungmin felt tears well up in his eyes another painful throb lunged at his gut. The feeling of guilt and sorrow mixed together, the two swirls combining into one as it pierced his heart.
“Sungmin?” Sungmin caught Donghae’s inquisitive look through a crack in his makeshift barricade.
Donghae edged closer before he crouched down beside Sungmin’s trembling body.
“Sungmin-ah.” Donghae threw his right arm around his older friend.
Only the faint whimpers echoed down the hallway as neither of them spoke a word. The quilt of silence only increased the awkwardness as Donghae pulled Sungmin in so that he was reclining on his body.
“Donghae?” Sungmin finally garnered enough courage inside him to break the silence.
“Yeah?” Donghae smiled down at Sungmin as if nothing had happened. That pained Sungmin even more.
“You know I might never see you again, you’re going to a different part of the country and-”
“Shut up.” Donghae placed two fingers gently on Sungmin’s lips, motioning him to be quiet. “Don’t say that.”
“Donghae, this is all ending, and you know how much I hate leaving things unfinished.” Sungmin sat up beside his friend so their position was less awkward. “I don’t think I’ll ever get a chance to say this again because we’ll both be moving on.”
“Sungmin, stop saying those things.” Donghae began shedding tears. “It’s not ending. It won’t fucking end. We won’t end. Our friendship, us, we won’t end.”
“Remember how you told me about how much you liked that Jung Jessica girl.” Sungmin sighed blissfully as they sat there recalling their memories. “And I was there listening to you rant about how she doesn’t notice you, and try my very hardest not to shoot down your lame tactics.”
“Or that time when you forgot your homework and I gave you mine to hand in, because your grades couldn’t take any more unnecessary hits.” Donghae chuckled through tears at that statement. “Or when you took my food because you wanted it, but it had been a week’s old leftover food that I forgot to bring home.”
“I vomited twice at school because of that.” Donghae pointed to the boys washroom down the hallway. “Do you remember those camping nights where we shared a cabin, and how you woke me up at six because you wanted the shower to yourself and I had to keep watch outside?”
“Well, you know me and showers.” Sungmin shivered at the unpleasant thoughts.
“Sungmin, you know you mean a lot to me, right?” Donghae rested his head against Sungmin’s shoulder.
“I know I do. You mean a lot to me too.” Sungmin clasped onto Donghae’s hand. “I never got to tell you how much I really appreciate you as a friend”
Maybe because I wanted to appreciate you more as a lover.
And at that moment, if only time would hold still and Sungmin could just be like that with Donghae. Sitting there side by side, holding hands and leaning against one another, talking and reminiscing the past. It was perfect.
Sungmin unintentionally beckoned forward towards Donghae as the younger of the two did the same, reciprocating the action as they leaned in closer.
Their lips met before Sungmin closed his eyes. The tingling feelings of having someone else’s lips pressed against your own was marvelous. It was Sungmin’s first kiss.
Their tongues poked at each other before Sungmin lost his balance as Donghae tumbled onto his body and the two fell onto the hallway. The letter slipped out of his pocket as Donghae stretched an arm to cradle Sungmin’s head.
Their hands lunged for anything to grab hold on as their kiss intensified. Sungmin reached one hand towards the collar of Donghae’s blazer while the other feigned for a patch of hair, Sungmin let Donghae lead the kiss, probably because he already had experience.
Donghae tasted fruity, with a hint of coconut and chocolate. Not exactly what Sungmin had expected. It was probably his lunch.
Sungmin lied, if only time would hold still and they could be like that, it would be perfect. Sungmin felt Donghae’s hand around his neck as the pair steadied his trembling face while Donghae continued dominating their kiss as he literally took Sungmin’s breath away.
The two broke off their kiss as both of them panted for air before Donghae mashed their lips together, and suddenly Sungmin felt like he was the happiest person on the planet.
That was before the wave of reality washed over him. Donghae had pitied his best friend. Donghae had given him the last thing he had wanted. Pity.
Forcefully, Sungmin pushed Donghae off of him as he wiped the trails of saliva from their wet kiss. Sungmin felt gross, like he had implied Donghae to return his debts throughout their high school life. Another burst of fresh tears exploded from Sungmin’s eyes before he turned around.
“Sungmin!!” Donghae called out before Sungmin broke off into a jog, then a full force sprint as Sungmin desperately needed to get away from Donghae. Everything was wrong. Why, all of a sudden, had Sungmin suddenly become so emotional and stupid? Their friendship was probably over now, simply because Sungmin couldn’t contain himself.
Sungmin kicked open the door and jumped down three steps from the stairs as he almost tripped on the way down. Darting towards the pair doors, he pushed it open and inhaled a fresh breath of air. He went to their spot, the corner behind one of the side doors as he crouched down on the pavement. Their, rather secret, hangout spot they had discovered.
Barrage after barrage of regrets showered down on Sungmin as he curled up on the grass. Why was he so fucking stupid? They could have ended their friendship beautifully, but Sungmin had to let his stupid thoughts wander into dangerous territory. Territory that Sungmin had mentally blocked off for three years, and the moment he left his guard down, his stupid emotional side took the opportunity and fucked things up.
Time passed by as the clouds in the sky drifted linearly across the blue canvas. Helpless to the wind, clouds had no will of their own. The sun gradually dimmed as Sungmin occasionally opened up his eyes, briefing moments while he adjusted to the change in brightness. He closed his eyes once again and let his body float on the grass.
“I should have thought you’d be here…” A voice Sungmin didn’t want to hear rang his ears. Did he come here just to tell him how much he loathed him and wished that they would never see each other again?
Donghae walked towards him and sat down beside him on the damp grass.
“How lame are you, writing that you want to be in love…” Donghae playfully punched Sungmin before Sungmin bolted up, his hands patting his pockets for the letter.
“I have it.” Donghae stifled a giggle. “Who in the world writes that they want to be in love as one of their high school goals, seriously. I mean, seriously?”
“Shut up.” Sungmin spat bitterly. “I don’t care about how much of a fool I look like right now.”
“Sungmin, I don’t care about how foolish you are. I just need to know how you feel about me.” Donghae stared earnestly at Sungmin as a breeze drafted through the secluded corridor behind the oldest phase of the school building.
“I think we should go home, it’s getting late.” Sungmin pretended to look at his watch before Donghae grabbed his face and seized another forceful kiss. Sungmin kicked him away. “What did you do that for?”
“Well, you liked it right?”
“No, fuck you.” Sungmin got up before he was pulled back down again and his lips were taken for the third time. “Donghae, stop it, please.”
“Do you want me to fuck you?” Donghae smiled while Sungmin hissed under his breath. “Or do you want me to stop?”
“Donghae-ah…” Sungmin was silenced again by the same pair of lips that made his eyelids flutter with happiness.
“You know I’m not actually as stupid as I appear. Did you really think I didn’t know how you felt about me.” Donghae flashed a sly smirk at Sungmin while the older boy looked confused. Usually Donghae was the clueless one.
“Donghae, this isn’t funny anymo-” Sungmin parted his lips before Donghae kissed him again.
“Now?"
“Hae…”
“I love you.”
“Mmmfgfghh, Hae, no not here.”
“What about now?”
“Hae, sto- ahhhhhhh”
“Well, do you want me now?"
“Hae…”