[The Way it had Been]
Title: The Way it had Been
Pairing: Bandfic. Kyumin centric, Kangmin if you squint
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyuhyun doesn't understand why nobody told him about Sungmin until it was too late
A/N: Verbal angst, a lot of it. It all just, poured out
“How come none of you told me about this?” Kyuhyun thundered as he jerked his hand about the other members, his finger shaking uncontrollably due to his emotional outburst.
“Kyu...” Donghae stepped forward as Kyuhyun turned to face his hyung. “Kyu, listen to us.”
“You...” Rage blinded Kyuhyun from seeing Donghae’s tears. “You were my favourite hyung, and you lied to me.” Donghae scrunched up his face before he sank to the floor, guilt plastering over his face.
“Kyuhyun, please don’t be like this.” Ryeowook scooted to his side, wrapping his arms around Kyuhyun’s body, before Kyuhyun rejected him, pushing the shorter man into the wall, the two colliding with a loud thud.
“Get away from me.” He pulsated with anger, glaring down Siwon and Hankyung who had taken a few steps forward. “All of you, get away from me.”
Kyuhyun suddenly chuckled to himself. It was the feeling of hopelessness that brings you to and back from insanity. When everything becomes so surreal, sanity becomes insanity and you get washed away, helpless, hopeless.
“None of you bothered telling me, not one of you.” Kyuhyun continued smiling, his fists curling into a ball. “It’s like I never mattered.”
“Kyuhyun, you know we don’t think of you like that.”
“SHUT UP.” Kyuhyun waved his finger and pointed it straight at Leeteuk. “You’re our leader, you’re my leader, what kind of a leader are you, keeping secrets away from another member of your band.”
“I’m a good leader, that’s why I didn’t tell you, that’s why he didn’t want me to tell you, or any of them for that matter.” Leeteuk roared, flinging his arm back, pointing at Ryeowook and Eunhyuk as his arm glazed around in a circle. “I respected him, his decision.”
“What about me?” Leeteuk winced and Kyuhyun looked away from him. “Did you respect what I might have wanted?”
“Cho Kyuhyun.” Heechul stepped forward and pulled back a crying Leeteuk.
“Kim Heechul.” Kyuhyun twitched his lip and met Heechul’s eyes, the two with the biggest attitude engaging in a staring contest.
“You’re fucking hopeless.” Heechul backhanded Kyuhyun across the face. The contact was crisp, red finger marks already forming on Kyuhyun’s cheek from where Heechul had struck him. “You’re fucking hopeless.”
“Hyung...” Siwon ran forward and tried pushing Heechul back.
“This was the last fucking thing he wanted to see.” Heechul continued chewing at his bottom lip, the blood staining the fronts of his teeth. His limbs continued shoving Siwon aside as he lunged at Kyuhyun, who was unphased. “It was the last thing he wanted to see, he didn’t want to see you acting like this.”
Heechul pushed Siwon away and bolted down the corridor.
“You guys go out.” Kangin suddenly stood up from one of the plastic chairs. He pointed fingers at everybody except for Eunhyuk and Yesung. “All of you, out.”
“You know, you’re right.” Kyuhyun arched an eyebrow at Kangin, the man who would argue on and on even though it was a pointless argument. “You’re right, Kyuhyun.”
Eunhyuk and Yesung remained silent.
“It’s our fault for not telling you, but when you lashed out at them.” Kangin inhaled a deep breath, “it hurts them just as much they hurt you.”
Kyuhyun turned away and stared down the corridor, the same corridor Heechul had jolted down earlier after their confrontation.
“Sungie and Hyuk and myself, I guess you could say we mean less to you, and I’m sure I can speak on their behalf.” Kangin received a nod from both of them. “So if you want to be mad, lash out at us. Not Ryeowook, not Donghae, not Leeteuk.”
Kyuhyun turned around and faced the pale hospital wall.
“Why aren’t you screaming at us?” Kangin pressed on. “Aren’t you mad? Don’t you hate us for not telling you about Sungmin?”
“Kangin...” Yesung got up and held Kangin’s trembling frame.
“I’ll stand right here and let you punch me, I don’t care anymore.” Kangin opened his arms and placed them behind his back. “Just punch me if it makes you feel better.”
“I didn’t get to see him before he went in.” Kyuhyun turned and ran over to Kangin, their faces almost colliding. “I didn’t even get to see him one last time.”
“I know, and it’s our fault, so take it out on us. Take it out on me.” Kangin said calmly, contrasting his usually impulsive persona. “You never saw how broken Hae and Wook looked when you pushed them away, did you even see Teukie and Heechul when you fought back?”
Kyuhyun turned away and distracted himself with the bulletin board.
“I’m stronger than them, I can take your shit. Give me your worse.” Kangin edged on.
“Hyung...” Eunhyuk got up and stood behind Kangin, draping his arms around his shoulder.
“Aren’t you mad at us for keeping it from you?” Tears continued streaming down his face as he fought the urge to stop. “Aren’t you angry at us for keeping you out of the loop?”
“Kangin, stop.” Yesung held him tight as Eunhyuk did the same, wrapping his arms around Kangin’s waist.
“You’re not the only one that loves Sungmin, you realize that, right?” Kangin sniffed hard, inhaling mucus and tears alike, “You’re not the only one that fucking loves Sungmin.”
“Shut up.” Kyuhyun whimpered, his mind slowly accepting the truth, that Kangin was right.
“He’s also our brother, do you think we don’t care about him?” Kangin continued restraining against Yesung’s grip. “Do you think we never cared?”
“Kangin, shut up.” Yesung drained his own tears down his cheek. “Shut up, just shut up.”
“Why do you make it sound like we never cared about him?” Kyuhyun fisted the wall as Kangin was silenced by Yesung, who covered his mouth as Kangin slinked into welcoming arms.
“Kyuhyun, I never told you.” Eunhyuk was by his side, tugging at his arm. “Sungmin told me not to. He told me, no matter what happened, not to tell you.”
“But why?” Kyuhyun felt remorse and guilt replacing his anger. He wasn’t mad anymore as Eunhyuk guided him towards the seats. They walked past Kangin and Yesung, who were sitting in the middle of the corridor. Kyuhyun couldn’t even bare to look at Kangin anymore.
“He didn’t tell me.” Eunhyuk buried his head against Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “He didn’t tell anyone why he wanted to keep it away from you, he just wanted you to be happy.”
“I don’t get it.” Kyuhyun grabbed Eunhyuk’s shoulder and forced them to make eye contact. “I don’t get it. If he loved me, why couldn’t he tell me.”
“I asked him the same question. I’m his best friend, Kyu, and he didn’t even tell me why.” Eunhyuk confessed. “Do you know how much it hurts when I see him hurting, when I see him hurting and there’s nothing I could do to help him. That feeling of helplessness, do you know how much it hurts?”
Kyuhyun couldn’t even cry anymore.
“He was debating whether or not he would tell you. When he saw what happened to us, there was no way he could have told you. He didn’t want to you go through what I had to go through, what Teukie had to see. He didn’t want you cry helplessly at night like Hae and Wookie. He didn’t want you to go isolate yourself like Yesung and Kibum. He didn’t want to see you resolve to alcohol to solve the problems.”
“But I love him, I would be willing to go through all of that, and more, for him.” Kyuhyun curled himself into a ball on the chair. “Why didn’t he give me a chance?”
“Because he loves you.” Eunhyuk gave him an answer on behalf of Sungmin. “He loves you.”
“And I love him...”
“I know... I know, Kyu.” Kyuhyun suddenly bolted up from his seat at the familiar voice.
“Sungmin, Sungmin. Where is he?” Kyuhyun stood up as Eunhyuk looked at him with wide, teary eyes.
“He won’t be out for another six hours.”
“But I heard him. Hyung, did you not hear his voice?”
“Kyu, take a rest, we’ll wait for him together.” Eunhyuk patted his shoulder as Kyuhyun continued looking down the empty corridor. Eunhyuk tugged at his hand and he sat down, his ears yearning to hear that voice one more time.
He would wait the six hours with Sungmin in his heart, like how always had been.
Pairing: Bandfic. Kyumin centric, Kangmin if you squint
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyuhyun doesn't understand why nobody told him about Sungmin until it was too late
A/N: Verbal angst, a lot of it. It all just, poured out
“How come none of you told me about this?” Kyuhyun thundered as he jerked his hand about the other members, his finger shaking uncontrollably due to his emotional outburst.
“Kyu...” Donghae stepped forward as Kyuhyun turned to face his hyung. “Kyu, listen to us.”
“You...” Rage blinded Kyuhyun from seeing Donghae’s tears. “You were my favourite hyung, and you lied to me.” Donghae scrunched up his face before he sank to the floor, guilt plastering over his face.
“Kyuhyun, please don’t be like this.” Ryeowook scooted to his side, wrapping his arms around Kyuhyun’s body, before Kyuhyun rejected him, pushing the shorter man into the wall, the two colliding with a loud thud.
“Get away from me.” He pulsated with anger, glaring down Siwon and Hankyung who had taken a few steps forward. “All of you, get away from me.”
Kyuhyun suddenly chuckled to himself. It was the feeling of hopelessness that brings you to and back from insanity. When everything becomes so surreal, sanity becomes insanity and you get washed away, helpless, hopeless.
“None of you bothered telling me, not one of you.” Kyuhyun continued smiling, his fists curling into a ball. “It’s like I never mattered.”
“Kyuhyun, you know we don’t think of you like that.”
“SHUT UP.” Kyuhyun waved his finger and pointed it straight at Leeteuk. “You’re our leader, you’re my leader, what kind of a leader are you, keeping secrets away from another member of your band.”
“I’m a good leader, that’s why I didn’t tell you, that’s why he didn’t want me to tell you, or any of them for that matter.” Leeteuk roared, flinging his arm back, pointing at Ryeowook and Eunhyuk as his arm glazed around in a circle. “I respected him, his decision.”
“What about me?” Leeteuk winced and Kyuhyun looked away from him. “Did you respect what I might have wanted?”
“Cho Kyuhyun.” Heechul stepped forward and pulled back a crying Leeteuk.
“Kim Heechul.” Kyuhyun twitched his lip and met Heechul’s eyes, the two with the biggest attitude engaging in a staring contest.
“You’re fucking hopeless.” Heechul backhanded Kyuhyun across the face. The contact was crisp, red finger marks already forming on Kyuhyun’s cheek from where Heechul had struck him. “You’re fucking hopeless.”
“Hyung...” Siwon ran forward and tried pushing Heechul back.
“This was the last fucking thing he wanted to see.” Heechul continued chewing at his bottom lip, the blood staining the fronts of his teeth. His limbs continued shoving Siwon aside as he lunged at Kyuhyun, who was unphased. “It was the last thing he wanted to see, he didn’t want to see you acting like this.”
Heechul pushed Siwon away and bolted down the corridor.
“You guys go out.” Kangin suddenly stood up from one of the plastic chairs. He pointed fingers at everybody except for Eunhyuk and Yesung. “All of you, out.”
“You know, you’re right.” Kyuhyun arched an eyebrow at Kangin, the man who would argue on and on even though it was a pointless argument. “You’re right, Kyuhyun.”
Eunhyuk and Yesung remained silent.
“It’s our fault for not telling you, but when you lashed out at them.” Kangin inhaled a deep breath, “it hurts them just as much they hurt you.”
Kyuhyun turned away and stared down the corridor, the same corridor Heechul had jolted down earlier after their confrontation.
“Sungie and Hyuk and myself, I guess you could say we mean less to you, and I’m sure I can speak on their behalf.” Kangin received a nod from both of them. “So if you want to be mad, lash out at us. Not Ryeowook, not Donghae, not Leeteuk.”
Kyuhyun turned around and faced the pale hospital wall.
“Why aren’t you screaming at us?” Kangin pressed on. “Aren’t you mad? Don’t you hate us for not telling you about Sungmin?”
“Kangin...” Yesung got up and held Kangin’s trembling frame.
“I’ll stand right here and let you punch me, I don’t care anymore.” Kangin opened his arms and placed them behind his back. “Just punch me if it makes you feel better.”
“I didn’t get to see him before he went in.” Kyuhyun turned and ran over to Kangin, their faces almost colliding. “I didn’t even get to see him one last time.”
“I know, and it’s our fault, so take it out on us. Take it out on me.” Kangin said calmly, contrasting his usually impulsive persona. “You never saw how broken Hae and Wook looked when you pushed them away, did you even see Teukie and Heechul when you fought back?”
Kyuhyun turned away and distracted himself with the bulletin board.
“I’m stronger than them, I can take your shit. Give me your worse.” Kangin edged on.
“Hyung...” Eunhyuk got up and stood behind Kangin, draping his arms around his shoulder.
“Aren’t you mad at us for keeping it from you?” Tears continued streaming down his face as he fought the urge to stop. “Aren’t you angry at us for keeping you out of the loop?”
“Kangin, stop.” Yesung held him tight as Eunhyuk did the same, wrapping his arms around Kangin’s waist.
“You’re not the only one that loves Sungmin, you realize that, right?” Kangin sniffed hard, inhaling mucus and tears alike, “You’re not the only one that fucking loves Sungmin.”
“Shut up.” Kyuhyun whimpered, his mind slowly accepting the truth, that Kangin was right.
“He’s also our brother, do you think we don’t care about him?” Kangin continued restraining against Yesung’s grip. “Do you think we never cared?”
“Kangin, shut up.” Yesung drained his own tears down his cheek. “Shut up, just shut up.”
“Why do you make it sound like we never cared about him?” Kyuhyun fisted the wall as Kangin was silenced by Yesung, who covered his mouth as Kangin slinked into welcoming arms.
“Kyuhyun, I never told you.” Eunhyuk was by his side, tugging at his arm. “Sungmin told me not to. He told me, no matter what happened, not to tell you.”
“But why?” Kyuhyun felt remorse and guilt replacing his anger. He wasn’t mad anymore as Eunhyuk guided him towards the seats. They walked past Kangin and Yesung, who were sitting in the middle of the corridor. Kyuhyun couldn’t even bare to look at Kangin anymore.
“He didn’t tell me.” Eunhyuk buried his head against Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “He didn’t tell anyone why he wanted to keep it away from you, he just wanted you to be happy.”
“I don’t get it.” Kyuhyun grabbed Eunhyuk’s shoulder and forced them to make eye contact. “I don’t get it. If he loved me, why couldn’t he tell me.”
“I asked him the same question. I’m his best friend, Kyu, and he didn’t even tell me why.” Eunhyuk confessed. “Do you know how much it hurts when I see him hurting, when I see him hurting and there’s nothing I could do to help him. That feeling of helplessness, do you know how much it hurts?”
Kyuhyun couldn’t even cry anymore.
“He was debating whether or not he would tell you. When he saw what happened to us, there was no way he could have told you. He didn’t want to you go through what I had to go through, what Teukie had to see. He didn’t want you cry helplessly at night like Hae and Wookie. He didn’t want you to go isolate yourself like Yesung and Kibum. He didn’t want to see you resolve to alcohol to solve the problems.”
“But I love him, I would be willing to go through all of that, and more, for him.” Kyuhyun curled himself into a ball on the chair. “Why didn’t he give me a chance?”
“Because he loves you.” Eunhyuk gave him an answer on behalf of Sungmin. “He loves you.”
“And I love him...”
“I know... I know, Kyu.” Kyuhyun suddenly bolted up from his seat at the familiar voice.
“Sungmin, Sungmin. Where is he?” Kyuhyun stood up as Eunhyuk looked at him with wide, teary eyes.
“He won’t be out for another six hours.”
“But I heard him. Hyung, did you not hear his voice?”
“Kyu, take a rest, we’ll wait for him together.” Eunhyuk patted his shoulder as Kyuhyun continued looking down the empty corridor. Eunhyuk tugged at his hand and he sat down, his ears yearning to hear that voice one more time.
He would wait the six hours with Sungmin in his heart, like how always had been.