What is WRONG WITH ME!!!????
I went to bed at MIDNIGHT! It is now 4:20am and I have yet to even come close to dozing off! I tried for about an hour and a half... got some water, putzed around online to find that I probably have some rare sleep disorder. The symptoms listed on every website I looked at match EXACTLY what I am going through... so I believe a trip to the doc is in order. I played about an hour of Sims2, then came back in my room, read the Forward and Preface of Michael Shurtleff's book, Audition. Then tried to sleep for another... oh... forty minutes... and here I am again. This is ridiculous! I'm tired... fo sho I'm tired... but my mind will not stop until freakin' 6am!!! I try the relaxation stuff that puts me to sleep during class, but it doesn't work now. Nothing... NOTHING I do can get me to sleep! It's been getting worse. It used to be 2am... then 4... now 6!!!! Even numbers I guess. Hell I didn't fall asleep til 8am last night!!! This is very bad... Tonight is actually the first night in a while that I've tried to get to bed at a somewhat decent hour. And I was tired at midnight. I spent all day watching TV and stuff cuz I've been a bit sick... so I was tired. I felt like I was falling asleep during the last episode of Sarah Connor Chronicles that I watched. But alas, I try to actually go to sleep, and I just lie there for HOURS to no avail. And the kicker is... if I do have this Delayed Sleep Cycle Syndrome or whatever it's called... it probably won't go away. I refuse to take any pills... which apparently will only make me tired but not put me out. So most people just organize their day to work with the shifted biological clock... "They" suggest working late shifts or artistic careers so as to avoid normal working hours... so that's good I guess, haha. But all the symptoms that I found were spot on... and I just found out that "fount" is a word... wonder what it means, haha.
So yeah... I've been lying in bed for the better part of four and a half hours doing nothing but thinking. I'm trying not to... my mind just drifts off and thinks about things. Maybe I'm going crazy, haha... wouldn't that be fun. Of course, according to Mr. Shurtleff, I am crazy because I want to be an actor... so true, haha. So I've been thinking about acting and what I need to do after I graduate. I've been thinking of the mess that the shitty advising I've gotten has made for me, my dad is gonna be so mad, I hope he understands that it isn't really my fault but I'll pay for whatever. Been thinking about what I'm going to do living wise next year. And... of course... I've been thinking about my dismal love life. Or, more accurately, the longing I have for pretty much the ONE girl I just can't be with (or so she says). God, I just had such a great time with her the other day. It was so nice, and comfortable, and fun... and I'm there, having a nice friendly time hanging out with her... but I can't help but get those pangs of sadness when I look at her. Every now and then I'd look at her and, I don't know, just the way she was sitting, or how her hair fell over her face... I'd just melt, I think she is just absolutely gorgeous! And then we can talk forever. This girl goes to sleep, like a normal person, around 11pm or earlier every night... yet we'll stay up talking till 1am, sometimes later! And she is SO funny... and productive, you know, ambitious with action behind it... and so talented as an actress, boy howdy! Yeah... so all of that, but nothing can happen. This has never happened to me. The closest thing was with Susan. I thought she was just the greatest, but we were never real good at making conversation, and as I got to know her better her allure faded. Great girl, just not for me, ya know? But with KTJ, I've been turned down already... it's done, that's it, no go on the romantic front, we're "just" friends. And yet as I hang out with her more and get to know her more I just fall for her more and more... like... for real fall for her. She sparks these feelings in me... yikes, no no no!!! I wonder if she knows all this... if she can tell that my mind is at war with itself whenever I see her.
Meh... we're friends, and I plan on being her very good friend for a long time to come. A buddy of mine... still thinking I have a chance with her... told her one drunken night that I'm "a really good guy" and that I'd "do anything for" her. And she told me that and we laughed and called him a sweetheart... when inside I'm like "Hell yeah I'd do anything for you!!!" I would... it sucks... if she were a sinister person (which she isn't, otherwise I wouldn't be so gah gah over her) she could walk all over me... It'd be like in Waiting and the guy who can't take a piss at work. But I'm not whipped like that, I mean, we're friends and all and I would do anything for her... but i would for most of my friends anyway, that's just how I am. I want my friends to be happy... and I want her to be happy. I wish I could be the one to really make her happy... but hopefully our friendship can help her out too.
Wow... kinda railed on for a bit there didn't I? I guess I'll try to sleep... again. Ugh... this is terrible. Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing. Stay positive and love your life! ;)
So yeah... I've been lying in bed for the better part of four and a half hours doing nothing but thinking. I'm trying not to... my mind just drifts off and thinks about things. Maybe I'm going crazy, haha... wouldn't that be fun. Of course, according to Mr. Shurtleff, I am crazy because I want to be an actor... so true, haha. So I've been thinking about acting and what I need to do after I graduate. I've been thinking of the mess that the shitty advising I've gotten has made for me, my dad is gonna be so mad, I hope he understands that it isn't really my fault but I'll pay for whatever. Been thinking about what I'm going to do living wise next year. And... of course... I've been thinking about my dismal love life. Or, more accurately, the longing I have for pretty much the ONE girl I just can't be with (or so she says). God, I just had such a great time with her the other day. It was so nice, and comfortable, and fun... and I'm there, having a nice friendly time hanging out with her... but I can't help but get those pangs of sadness when I look at her. Every now and then I'd look at her and, I don't know, just the way she was sitting, or how her hair fell over her face... I'd just melt, I think she is just absolutely gorgeous! And then we can talk forever. This girl goes to sleep, like a normal person, around 11pm or earlier every night... yet we'll stay up talking till 1am, sometimes later! And she is SO funny... and productive, you know, ambitious with action behind it... and so talented as an actress, boy howdy! Yeah... so all of that, but nothing can happen. This has never happened to me. The closest thing was with Susan. I thought she was just the greatest, but we were never real good at making conversation, and as I got to know her better her allure faded. Great girl, just not for me, ya know? But with KTJ, I've been turned down already... it's done, that's it, no go on the romantic front, we're "just" friends. And yet as I hang out with her more and get to know her more I just fall for her more and more... like... for real fall for her. She sparks these feelings in me... yikes, no no no!!! I wonder if she knows all this... if she can tell that my mind is at war with itself whenever I see her.
Meh... we're friends, and I plan on being her very good friend for a long time to come. A buddy of mine... still thinking I have a chance with her... told her one drunken night that I'm "a really good guy" and that I'd "do anything for" her. And she told me that and we laughed and called him a sweetheart... when inside I'm like "Hell yeah I'd do anything for you!!!" I would... it sucks... if she were a sinister person (which she isn't, otherwise I wouldn't be so gah gah over her) she could walk all over me... It'd be like in Waiting and the guy who can't take a piss at work. But I'm not whipped like that, I mean, we're friends and all and I would do anything for her... but i would for most of my friends anyway, that's just how I am. I want my friends to be happy... and I want her to be happy. I wish I could be the one to really make her happy... but hopefully our friendship can help her out too.
Wow... kinda railed on for a bit there didn't I? I guess I'll try to sleep... again. Ugh... this is terrible. Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing. Stay positive and love your life! ;)