Just Dance
Title: Just Dance
Rating: R probably, lots of swearing and drug use. Standard.
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Katie/Effy (if you look really closely, and have Katie/Effy goggles welded to your face)
Word Count: 7, 832
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. The Skins cast, drugs, shitty music, breakfast. None of it. Just borrowing and returning slightly used.
Summary: Set after the summer, everyone's back at college. Effy is having a party, convinces Naomi to come even though Naomi has retreated into self imposed isolation, again, after cocking things up with Emily, again.
N.B. Thanks to the icon making talents of thebishopfiles
“Mine. Tonight.” Effy had cornered her after Politics, the slightest smile on her lips and, Naomi noticed, she didn’t blink once during the entire exchange.
“Yeah, alright.” Naomi shrugged, doing her best not to look as awkward as this was making her feel. There were still people in the classroom, and Naomi was half leaning back onto the desk behind her, someone still gathering their belongings off it, as Effy stood in front of her just slightly too close for comfort.
But what wasn’t too close for comfort, really, Naomi thought. She rolled her eyes.
“Should I bring anything, then?” Naomi adjusted her shoulder strap, grasping her bag a little too tightly against her.
Effy raised her eyebrow. “No.” She took a step toward Naomi, reached out a hand and pushed a few blonde strands off Naomi’s forehead. “See you tonight.” She said, and brushed past her.
Naomi frowned slightly, mindful of the looks being thrown her way by classmates who couldn’t mind their own business. “What?” She said at a small group of girls, whispering to themselves as they took their time to leave.
“Nothing.” One of them said, and the others giggled.
“Dyke.” One of them spat out, suddenly, and they all dissolved into laughter.
Naomi looked at them, her eyes narrowing. “Fucking real mature.” She said, and stalked into the hall. There were people everywhere, and she shouldered her way to her locker, resting her head on it briefly before sighing and twisting her combination into the lock. A picture was resting on the books inside, her own face gazing back at her from it. She picked it up, looked around her wondering where it had come from, though no one was paying any attention to her, too busy at their own lockers, laughing and throwing pens and bits of paper at each other. She saw Freddie laughing with JJ, who had managed to set his own hand on fire and was waving it around before clapping his hands together and putting it out. Freddie applauded, along with Thomas and Pandora who were standing near them, and JJ bowed. Naomi shook her head, turning back to the photo.
She was outside, the sun shining just behind her head, making her hair look almost white. A breeze had blown through just before the photo had been snapped, and bits of her hair had flown up around her head and into her face. Her eyes gazed out between the strands, ridiculously light and filled with laughter, though her mouth was only just slightly upturned into a smile. Underneath her face, across the top of her shirt, where the photo cut off, was scrawled ‘Happiness, remember?’ in permanent marker. She fingered the edge of the photo for a moment, biting her lip, remembering where the photo had been taken, and who had been behind the lens, pressing the capture button.
“Fucking stalker.” She murmured, pushing the photo into the back of her locker, trying to forget it was there.
It occurred to her, later at home, that she should have just thrown it into the nearest bin. Of course she hadn’t, she thought as she spooned vegetable soup into her mouth and half heartedly read her Politics textbook. Of course she hadn’t, she just fucking loved being reminded how miserable she was.
*****
She had stood outside of Effy’s house, clutching a bottle of vodka and a six pack of alcopops, for at least ten minutes before knocking on the already open door, and following the music into the yard. There were about twenty people sprawled throughout the yard, and the smell of spliff in the air was almost stronger than the cologne pouring off JJ.
Effy had smirked when she’d seen Naomi, sauntering over to her and taking the alcohol out of her hands and putting them on the grass at Naomi’s feet. “Hi.” Naomi had said, not quite smiling, and Effy had grabbed her hands and pulled her into the small throng of people dancing in the middle of the group. Naomi, painfully sober, had excused herself for the bathroom as Effy laughed at her, the bitch, and handed her a small pill.
“Live a little.” Effy had said, already turning to the boy dancing against her back. Naomi had seen the look on Freddie’s face for just an instant, across the yard, before going back into the house for the bathroom.
Naomi looked at the little pill in the middle of her hand, feeling suddenly prudish. She’d done drugs before, many drugs actually, though felt as hesitant as she usually did these days. After all, she became someone else entirely on the fucking things, didn’t she? Dancing, which she did not do in any other circumstance; sex with fucking anyone who offered, it seemed; not to mention the euphoria which, thanks, she couldn’t bring herself to reconcile with her sober self. Happiness, even artificial, hadn’t been appealing in a long time.
Fuck it, though. She tipped her hand up, catching the falling pill with her mouth, and swallowing with a handful of water from the bathroom tap. She splashed a little water on her face too, for good measure, and forced herself to look in the mirror. She sighed. Bags under her eyes, a pimple forming on her chin. Involuntarily her mind flashed back to the picture in her locker, couldn’t help but make a comparison to how she looked now.
“Fucking shit.” She murmured, as knocking began against the door. “Occupied.” She yelled out.
“Fucking hurry, yeah?” Cook yelled back, and Naomi, irritated, opened the door and pushed past him and a young blonde. “Naomi!” Cook grabbed her, picked her up. “Naomi!” He cried out again, laughing. He put her down and quickly kissed her cheek. “Love you, girl.” He said and winked, before being half dragged into the bathroom by the blonde girl.
It wasn’t even ten yet, Naomi thought, finding her way back to the yard. Pandora stumbled toward her with the bottle of vodka she’d brought.
“Naomi hi!” Pandora tipped the bottle back, handing it to Naomi when she was done. “Come sit with us!”
Pandora grabbed her hand, as Naomi tipped the bottle against her lips and drank until she felt sick.
She was dragged over to where Freddie, JJ, Thomas and Katie were sitting, the former staring almost obsessively at Effy as she danced with her head tipped toward the stars and her eyes closed.
“Hey.” Katie said, surprising her. “Sit down, yeah.” Even patted the fucking ground near her. Naomi just stared at her for a moment, feeling the vodka burning her stomach, and a sudden light headedness overtake her. She sat down, though had no idea why. “How you’ve been?” Katie asked her, and Naomi wondered if the pill had kicked in yet and whether this was actually happening.
“Fine.” She said, and noticed Katie tearing at little clumps of grass around her, ripping them out of the ground and throwing them. “You?”
“Fine, yeah.” Katie said too quickly, looking behind Naomi’s head, at Effy quickly, and then smiling, or really grimacing, back at Naomi.
“Naomi! I haven’t seen you since Cook’s birthday which was, now I think about it, months ago now and, actually obviously I’ve seen you at college but what I mean is I haven’t seen you in a social sense since Cook’s, though I suppose one could argue that seeing you at college is seeing you in a social sense being that social can simply mean within society as opposed to…” Freddie had gently nudged JJ in the shoulder, rolling his eyes and drinking from the beer bottle in his hand, smiling affectionately back at JJ as he swallowed. “Sorry. Right. I just mean that I missed you.” JJ blinked in surprise at himself. “Not in a romantic sense, not that you aren’t attractive because I do find you very attractive but, wait, I mean not that I would want to, you know, because even though I find it very enjoyable I know that Emily is actually who you would rather…”
JJ clamped his own hands over his mouth suddenly as Katie threw grass at him, calling him a “Useless cockfuck!” and Naomi realised all of a sudden everyone was looking at her.
She slowly tipped the vodka bottle against her mouth, swallowing as she looked at each of them until they looked away. Freddie reached into his pocket, pulled out a spliff the size of a cigar, and lit it. He took a few deep drags, before reaching across the group and handing it to Naomi with a wink.
“Cheers.” She said, and smoked until Katie took it out of her hands with force.
“Puff puff pass, arsehole.” Katie smirked, and Naomi found herself smirking back. When the fuck had that changed?
Pandora and Thomas had gotten up and joined the dancing, and Naomi began to feel the beginnings of the ecstasy hit her. She knew this because quite suddenly she loved this song, though she’d never heard it before, and her head was actually fucking bopping along to it. She felt hands under her armpits, lifting her up, and heard Cook’s voice laughing in her ear. He smelled like alcohol, spliff, and sex and she leaned her head back on his shoulder as he lifted her and dragged her back into the dancing bodies, which had doubled in size since she’d arrived. She let herself sway to the music, let Cook continue to have his arms around her, felt him dancing against her back and didn’t fucking care. Effy came toward them, reaching around her and putting her hands on Cook’s waist, dancing against Naomi’s front. Naomi laughed, actually laughed, and only let herself realise for a small moment that she couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed.
*****
Cook’s birthday had been the night she’d broken up with Emily. They hadn’t been back at college for very long, and the summer felt like it had happened years ago rather than a few weeks when Naomi realised she couldn’t do it any longer. Couldn’t be in a relationship, not to mention in such a public relationship that everyone seemed to have some kind of invested interest in. That hadn’t been her fault, though, it had been Emily’s. Emily for declaring her big gay self in front of most of the bloody college, and then telling everyone that she had big gay feelings for Naomi, that she loved her.
Yes it had been sweet, and yes Naomi had realised that maybe she had big gay inclinations of her own. But getting back to college it had seemed like their public declaration had invited in every public opinion in the whole place. There was nowhere they could go that they wouldn’t be interrupted by someone with a question, or a comment, or a joke. Everyone, and she meant everyone, said “Hi!” to her now, or “How’s it going?”, or “You two are hot.”, or “Can I join you?”. It was surprising, and then it was annoying. She had enjoyed her anonymity before, had enjoyed being someone not easily approachable. She had enjoyed her fucking privacy.
The summer had been an entirely different story, of course. She had loved every minute of it, because it had just been the two of them, spending hours in the sunshine. She loved Emily because they could be silent together, if she didn’t feel like talking. They could make out for hours and hours, and barely say a word. Or, if she was feeling sporadically passionate, Emily would freely debate with her over almost any topic she fancied, and most of the time she didn’t even feel in the slightest that Emily was letting her win.
Katie hadn’t even presented much resistance after her public humiliation. It had seemed since their brief fight that Katie didn’t really have much anger left toward her, at least, and instead focused it on Effy when she returned from fuck knows where. The thing about Effy though, which Freddie had learned and yet also hadn’t fucking learned, was the more emotion you threw at her the more unresponsive she became.
They had all gone out for Cook’s birthday, even Katie who had declared that no anorexic psycho bitch from hell was going to stop her hanging out with her own fucking friends, and had shown up staunchly prepared to have a wonderful time. Naomi and Emily had arrived a little late because getting ready had resulted in a challenge of whether or not they could have sex in the fifteen minutes they had until they were meant to meet everyone.
They had ended up at a popular club filled with classmates, and Cook had acquired a mix of cocaine, MDMA and speed that had burned everyone’s nostrils till they’d gone numb. Naomi would admit, under pressure, that the drugs had made her feel overtly aggressive, and could in part be blamed for her outburst, but the sick feeling in her stomach whenever she was in public with Emily now had been building since college had began again.
They were on the dance floor, her and Emily, dancing energetically against each other. Naomi kept seeing people watching them, talking to themselves, pointing, laughing. She was convinced everyone was talking about them, and she was also convinced it was a bad thing.
“I need a fag!” She yelled against Emily’s ear, who grabbed her face in her hands and kissed her. Naomi pulled her head away, after a moment, turning toward the door and using it as a focus to get through all the fucking bodies in her way.
She fumbled with her lighter when she was outside, lighting her cigarette and smoking furiously for a few moments. A boy she recognised from somewhere (Psychology maybe?) stumbled toward her.
“Hey, hey you’re the dyke. Fuck, girl, you two are just. Are just.” He rested his hand on the wall just behind her head, and leaned into her. “So fucking hot. I think it would be, no I know, it would be fucking magic to join you two. Fucking magic.”
“For fuck’s sake, leave me alone!” She said, and then shoved against his chest with all the aggression she could muster, and he tripped over his own feet and hit his head against the gutter.
“Fuck!” He put his hand to the back of his head, pulled it back with the slightest smear of blood on them. “Bitch! Fucking bitch!” He scrambled to his feet. Stumbled away from her, as she began to shake.
Emily walked over to her then, missing the whole thing, smiling at her. “All I want to do,” She said as she approached. “Is take you back to your place and fuck you stupid.” Emily ran her hand along Naomi’s stomach. Naomi hit her hand away.
“For fuck’s sake Ems, we’re on the fucking street, can’t you control yourself? Fuck!” Naomi flicked her cigarette away as Emily took a step back.
“What? Are you alright?” Emily’s eyes were wounded, and Naomi couldn’t look at them, but forced herself to anyway.
“No, I’m not fucking alright. I’m sick of everyone thinking it’s okay to talk to me about something that isn’t even their fucking business, alright? It’s just too fucking much.” Emily tried to reach for her, but she shook her off and threw her hands up. “I can’t fucking do this right now. I can’t fucking, just, I liked when no one knew me, alright, I liked having privacy because, because,” She was rambling, high as a fucking kite, walking backwards to god knows where. “I like being alone and I don’t like everyone thinking they know me and I can’t do this. No longer doing this. Because I actually physically just can’t.”
Naomi had woken up on her own doorstep. Had remembered walking home and letting herself in, grabbing her mum’s bottle of Jack Daniels and taking it to the park near her house, and drinking and smoking furiously on a swing until the sun had started to rise, and she’d suddenly burst into tears and cried until she’d thrown up.
Scattered didn’t even begin to cover it. Apologies were useless, and the damage control involved would take too much self sacrifice and back tracking. Avoidance was easier, and she pretended it hadn’t bothered her that Emily, for once, hadn’t pushed.
*****
Effy gyrated against her thigh as Cook ran his hands over her stomach, and fuck if she wasn’t enjoying the whole situation. She had gotten what she wanted, breaking up with Emily. She had slipped back into Do Not Approach mode, she had become untouchable again. It didn’t matter that being at Effy’s, surrounded by people, made her feel better than she had since summer. It didn’t matter that at the back of her mind she wondered why Emily wasn’t there, or that the thought made her stomach drop just slightly, and it was more than she’d felt in months.
Effy leaned into her, stuck her tongue out with another pill on it, raised an eyebrow at her in challenge, and Naomi opened her mouth. Effy was in and out, depositing the pill and withdrawing with a smirk. Naomi swallowed, felt Cook’s lips on her neck, didn’t care that it felt sloppy and wrong.
Effy moved away from them, and Pandora came into view, dancing and laughing with Thomas. It made Naomi ache slightly, which was alarming enough, to watch them. The four of them had hung out over the summer sometimes, each in their own couple bliss, the only ones in the group who didn’t seem to be sulking over something. Naomi remembered the smug feeling that being in love had brought. For the briefest moment, she frowned and allowed herself to wonder how Thomas and Pandora had lasted and her and Emily hadn’t. That wasn’t fair.
She saw Emily then, dancing with Freddie, a hip flask of vodka in her hands, her head thrown back and her eyes closed. He was behind her, and Effy was dancing in front. Naomi watched as Effy got Emily’s attention, reaching in and depositing a pill in the same way she had with Naomi. As Effy pulled back, Emily grinned and pulled her in, kissing her quickly before they started laughing against each other.
“What the fuck?” She heard herself say, and stepped away from Cook, who shrugged and latched onto someone else. She stepped back until she was out of the throng of dancers, and stumbled through Effy’s house until she found the living room. “Fuck.” She said, feeling waves of drugs and emotion running over her skin. There was an ache in her chest, and she fucking hated it. She’d done well to feel as little as possible, and it was like her heart had been split open and all the liquid feeling was pouring all over her.
“Hiding?” Katie asked from the doorway, and Naomi looked at her, feeling her eyes straining to focus.
“It’s what I do.” She heard herself mumble. Katie sat beside her on the lounge.
“Listen, I never liked you, yeah? Still don’t, really. You’re shit at basic human behaviour, including being able to dress yourself properly, and you fucking acted like a tit to my sister.” Katie was here, talking to her, on the lounge, without violence. What?
Naomi rolled her head toward Katie. “You love her more than me, remember.” Naomi smirked, knowing it looked as ugly as it felt.
“Fucking whatever, either do something about it or fuck off and don’t come back. I don’t know what your problem is, other than being a miserable, colourblind arsehole, but you hurt Emily and you have to face it.” Katie grabbed Naomi’s wrist, squeezing.
“Or what, you’ll strangle me till I hit you with a rock?” Naomi winced as Katie squeezed tighter.
“Just fucking grow a pair, Naomi.” Katie let her go, and stood up. She straightened her skirt, and Naomi hated that Katie had the higher moral ground in this, that Naomi was acting like a twat and knew it.
Naomi stood, wobbily, deciding she needed another drink before the second pill hit her. She made her way back outside, saw Katie talking to Emily out of the corner of her eye, but continued resolutely to the bottle of vodka still on the grass where they had been sitting before. She threw herself down next to it, crossing her legs and unscrewing the top, swigging once, then twice, and sighing deeply. JJ was unsuccessfully attempting to seduce a group of girls with setting his hand on fire, but his lighter wouldn’t catch, and most of them looked bored.
Naomi felt sorry for him, for just a moment, before remembering that those hands had been on her ex girlfriend once, and she was shit at the whole ‘forgive and forget’ thing anyway.
Cook was aggressively dry humping a brunette in the corner and Naomi snorted. “That was quick.” She said to no one, having another drink. Pandora and Thomas were slow dancing, kissing, smiling shyly at each other, and a whole bunch of other sappy shit she didn’t want to look at, so she pointedly looked away. Effy had a boy and a girl on either side of her, dancing, and Freddie was moodily sat in the corner of the yard with a massive spliff he didn’t seem to be sharing with anyone. “Waste.” Naomi said, getting to her feet, stumbling past Katie and Emily, the latter turning to look at her briefly as she passed, painfully, before Naomi plonked down next to Freddie.
“Alright, Naomi?” Freddie asked, not taking his eyes off Effy. He passed her the spliff.
“Alright, Fred?” She replied, taking a long drag, exhaling a jet stream of smoke and watching it dissipate.
“Not really, honestly.” He said, looking at her for a second.
“It’s a bit like that these days.” She said, inhaling and exhaling again before passing the spliff back.
“Yeah, well, not by choice.” He inhaled for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “I’ve shagged four girls in the last two months, yeah? Beautiful girls, lovely.” Naomi smirked at him, and he blinked. “Brilliant personalities.” He winked at her. “But I can’t get her,” He gestured toward Effy. “Out of my fucking mind.”
“Well, she’s completely unattainable. Makes her irresistible.” Naomi nodded, taking the spliff back. Ha! How was this for being social, JJ?
“Is that why you do it?” Freddie asked, raising his eyebrows as she coughed in shock.
“Do what?” She asked, handing the spliff back, drawing her knees into her chest. “I don’t know what…” She began.
“Make yourself unattainable.” Freddie cut her off. “Drives Emily mad you know.”
Naomi opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Does every fucking thing have to revolve around her?”
Freddie shrugged. Gave her the spliff, and stood up. “Going for a piss.” He smiled easily at her, loping off toward the house.
Naomi sighed, fingered the filter of the spliff in her hand. She looked around at the other party goers, noticing a couple of them waving and leaving already. She wondered for a moment if she should leave as well, cut her losses, retreat and try and go to sleep. But fuck her eyes were open, and she was buzzing quite strongly, and the thought of sleep was awful. She looked over at Katie and Emily, who were still talking, and Emily turned and stared right at her.
Naomi was not romantic. She thought things like hearts, flowers and endlessness was soppy shit designed by corporations pushing excessive consumerism, or was simply a mask for the biological and evolutionary urge to procreate. Or, that’s what she said when asked. It would have to be the drugs, she thought, making her think that her heart actually skipped a fucking beat when Emily looked at her. Or heart disease. Possibly. She tried to smile at Emily, tried not to remember that for the last couple of months she had done nothing but ignore her.
To her surprise, Emily walked over to her and sat down. Naomi offered her the spliff. “So.” Emily said, taking the longest drag Naomi had ever seen her take.
“Have you been here all night?” Naomi asked her, resting her head on the top of her knees and hugging them closer. Emily didn’t look at her.
“Yeah.” Emily exhaled. “Haven’t seen you around in a while.”
Naomi closed her eyes, opening them when Emily handed the spliff back. Naomi had an awful urge to offer a blowback, but didn’t. “I haven’t really been feeling, er, social I guess.” Fucking JJ.
“That much has been apparent.” Emily looked at her then, without the open adoration she used to. Naomi suddenly missed it. “I’m seeing someone.” Emily muttered, shrugging, looking away from Naomi.
“Oh.” Was all Naomi could say. “Who?”
“A girl. Obviously. Samantha. She isn’t here.” Emily said, as Naomi looked around suddenly. “She’s in France.”
“Oh.” Naomi had lost all sense of vocabulary. “Well.”
“You still want to be by yourself?” Emily asked, starting to play with the grass around her in a direct imitation of her sister.
Naomi felt the spliff bringing on the second pill, felt her mind tilt sideways and slip onto the grass, her heart spilling into her mouth. “No.” She said quietly. “I just wanted…” But she didn’t know what she’d wanted, ever.
Emily sighed, stubbed out the smouldering roach, turned to look at her. “What happened?”
“I don’t know…” Naomi began, trailing off, wishing she was anywhere but where she was. And also, not wanting to be anywhere else. Always the same fucking dilemma. “I lost my mind a bit, I think. Took it out on you. Should’ve been a tad more delicate, perhaps.”
“Right.” Emily said, looking at her sharply. “Breaking up with me sober, in private, rather than off your tits outside a club everyone ever that we know is in, so I don’t have to walk in crying and not knowing what the fuck was going on. That might’ve been more fucking delicate.”
“No. No.” Naomi said, reaching out and grabbing Emily’s hand. “Talking to you about feeling so fucking violated by strangers, and not breaking up with you. Or something to that effect.” One thing Naomi did hate about ecstasy was how much it made her fucking talk. “You made me happy, Ems. Everything else made me shit.”
Emily took a shaky breath, looked at their clasped hands. “I want to say this is too little, too late.” Emily said softly. “But I can’t.” She took her hand from Naomi’s, ran her hands through her hair. “We need to talk sober. You’re fucking high as anything, and fuck knows I am as well.”
Emily stood up, reached her hand out toward Naomi, pulled her up. “I usually hate dancing.” Naomi said, not knowing what else to say.
“Promise me you’ll talk to me, sometime. It’s not that fucking hard.” Emily tugged her toward the dancing bodies. Naomi tripped slightly, fell into Emily, their faces only barely apart.
“It is, though.” Naomi whispered, as Emily wrapped her arms around her waist. They both seemed to realise at the same time how close they were, and Emily pulled her arms back, licked her lips, and seemed to shake herself.
“Sorry. Old habits, well, you know.” Emily attempted a smile, and Naomi attempted to smile back.
Naomi realised she was dancing, or well, swaying on the spot, and Emily had started to as well. The music was pumping across the grass, and it was good though Naomi knew, deep down somewhere, it was shit music. Not the stuff she was usually into. But fucking amazing for a dance. Not that she danced, on principle, but she definitely did on E.
Naomi shut her eyes, tilted her head back, completely stopped caring that there were people around her. For once.
*****
Naomi must have danced for hours, she thought, when she opened her eyes and saw they’d been joined by Thomas, Pandora, Effy, JJ, Freddie and even Katie. They all had the same looks on their faces, lost in the moment, pilling off their chops, and she started to laugh. Emily had gazed at her dreamily for just a moment, before starting to laugh too, and turning to Katie. Katie giggled, accidently snorted, and then burst into laughter as Cook came bounding out of the house, and tackled Freddie to the ground.
“Fuck!” Naomi managed to say, falling over.
“Amazing, right?” Effy spoke to the sky, laughing and spreading her arms out.
“Absofuckinglutely darlin’!” Cook yelled, straddling Freddie and ignoring his swatting hands. Freddie was too weak with laughter to push Cook off him, attempting to knock him off by thrusting his hips up. “Cheeky tiger!” Cook laughed.
“Get off me you twat!” Freddie called out.
Naomi crawled over to the vodka bottle, and emptied it down her throat. Emily followed her with Effy, who sat down next to her and lit a cigarette. Naomi blinked her eyes, looking around at the remnants of the party.
“Hang on, where is everyone?” Naomi frowned, seeing that the group was all that was left.
Effy shrugged. “Only had drugs for us. It’s late.”
“Lame.” Emily said forcefully, out of nowhere. Naomi giggled.
“Weak.” Naomi agreed.
“Poor.” Katie crawled over to them. “I can’t fucking stand up anymore.” She lay down in front of Emily, put her head in her sister’s lap. Emily grinned and leaned back.
Pandora was singing loudly, spinning around in place. Thomas stumbled over to them, smiling.
“I must take her home. She is too ecstatic.” He said, touching each of them on the head.
Naomi grinned up at him. “You’re lovely.” She said, and Katie snorted again.
“Naomi gives a compliment. Call the fucking press.” Emily flicked her sister in the forehead as Katie started laughing again. “Ow! Cunt!”
“Language, Katiekins. My virgin ears can’t bear such vile words.” Naomi grinned as Effy rolled her eyes.
“Virgin my arse.” Emily said loudly, and then blushed.
JJ walked over to them then, giving up on separating Freddie and Cook, who still hadn’t climbed off.
“This fell out of Fred’s pocket and, well, I thought perhaps you’d like it more than I would, being that I don’t do drugs and obviously you all have and it is awfully late so I’m off home.” JJ stopped for a moment, smiling at Naomi and handing the spliff to her. “Can you tell Freddie and Cook that I left without them because I’ve become an independent person lately, or a more independent person than I was before, and I am perfectly able to decide when I should go home. And that I can stop myself talking whenever I want to. Such as now.” JJ frowned slightly, and Effy waved him off.
JJ walked off toward the house, waving again before disappearing through it. Emily shivered suddenly. Effy looked at her for a moment before standing up.
“Come on.” She said, and Naomi wasn’t sure who she was talking to, though Emily was standing and attempting to convince Katie that it was a good idea to stand up too.
“Just stand up, Katie. For fuck’s sake. You can’t just lie on the ground. You’ll freeze.” Emily pulled at her twin’s arm, as Katie shook her head.
“The fuck I will. This jacket is made from actual leopard, Ems. It’s so warm. It soaked up all the heat in Africa and now it’s wrapped around me. Christ. It’s amazing.”
Emily looked at her for help for a moment, and Naomi lurched forward and grabbed Katie’s other arm.
“Come on Cruella De Ville, time to go inside.”
Navigating the three of them up the stairs took far longer than it should’ve, Naomi thought, throwing Katie onto Effy’s bed as Effy looked on amused.
“She had three.” Effy said, lighting a cigarette and sitting on her windowsill.
Katie raised a fist into the air, prostrate on the bed. “Fierce!” She said, as Emily tried to shush her.
“So you two are friends again?” Naomi asked, lighting her own cigarette and leaning against the window opposite Effy.
“Something like that.” Effy looked over at Katie, for a moment her eyes softened. “We had to keep hating each other, or move past it.” Effy took a deep drag.
“You moved past it, then?” Naomi looked over as Emily pushed Katie’s fringe off her forehead, talking to her quietly.
Effy just smirked. “It’s good you came.”
Naomi bit her lip slightly. “You were quite forceful with your invitation.”
“That’s not why you came.” Effy exhaled, still smirking, because of course she just knew fucking everything. “You came,” Effy said, stubbing out her cigarette. “Because of the photo.”
Naomi blinked. “What? That was you?”
Effy shrugged. “More my influence.”
“Why?” Naomi cocked her head to the side.
“Why not?” Effy replied, turning to Emily. “Ems have a fag, I’ll look after her.”
Emily looked up, and Naomi looked away. Effy moved next to Katie, and began to rub her back as Katie rolled away from her.
“Alright.” Emily said slowly, as Katie gave her a thumbs up.
Naomi kept her focus on the smoke she was exhaling, watched it rise toward the sky before getting swept away. She could see Emily lighting a cigarette next to her, and leaning against the other side of the window frame.
“So tell me about Samantha.” Naomi attempted to sound bright, but it fell a little flat.
Emily shrugged. “Met her at a club, she was just visiting though. Lives in France. Is in France.” Emily exhaled, reached up to tuck her fringe behind her ear. “We email sometimes.”
Naomi snorted, and then giggled. Emily looked at her sharply, then tried desperately not to smile.
“It’s not exactly romance.” Emily said, and then laughed as Naomi snorted again.
“Not exactly leaving someone a photograph in their locker, is it?” Naomi’s laughter died down. Shit. She bit her lip. She was never taking pills again. Or no, that was silly, pills were brilliant. Hang on, what had she said?
Emily was staring through Effy’s window. “You’re probably the love of my teenage life, Naomi. Do you know that?” Emily wouldn’t look at her, kept smoking and staring outside.
“Oh.” Was all she could manage to say.
She watched Emily frown, and start to stub out her cigarette, muttering. “Fucking idiot.”
“I mean, I think I do know that,” Naomi said quickly. “I do, Ems. You’re probably mine too. Or something.” Fucking drugs! “Christ! I mean. Look. We should talk when we’re sober, like you suggested and that will be the conversation that we should use. For this. And not this one.” Naomi was vehemently opposed to rambling. Usually. Shit.
Emily smiled at her, all of a sudden, the way she used to. “Sober up, then.” She said, and then her jaw twitched and she shook her head slightly. “Actually, I should probably sober up too.”
Naomi nodded. “I think it might be home time.” She stood awkwardly for a moment, watching through Effy’s window as the first glimpses of sunlight crept into the sky.
Emily nodded too, and went over to the bed where Katie was rambling about the merits of true love and friendship to Effy.
“Like, cos you know it too babes, that love is just like, a heart explosion, and the pieces fall around us in like, this fucking top notch shower of just, fucking, amazing,” Katie gestured her hands in front of her, and Naomi blinked when she realised Effy was spooning her from behind.
“Mmhmm,” Effy hummed. “Go on.”
“Katie, come on, we’ve got to go.” Emily reached out and touched Katie’s forehead as Effy smirked behind her.
“No we don’t, Ems, me and Ef are talking about fucking just life and did you know Ems that love is like a heart explosion, did you know that?” Katie was grinning, her jaw still moving even though she wasn’t talking anymore.
“You go. I’ll make sure she comes down alright.” Effy said, smiling at Emily. Emily smiled back, and Naomi was struck by how much she’d missed, isolating herself.
“Thanks, Ef.” Emily said, and kissed Katie on the forehead.
“Right, well, thanks for everything. See you Monday.” Naomi said awkwardly, and Effy winked at her.
They both walked downstairs, found their bags in the empty backyard, and barely wondered where Freddie and Cook had gone. Or cared, really, thought Naomi.
“I can’t believe the sun is coming up.” Naomi said quietly as they walked side by side, far enough away from each other not to touch.
“Yeah.” Emily bit her lip. “I can’t believe you came. Tonight.” Emily sighed.
Naomi wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Well, it was eventful.” She shrugged, attempted a smile.
“Mm. Well. I don’t think I want to go home.” Emily stopped walking, and when Naomi turned around she was met with an intense look from Emily that, once, meant something else.
“We could go to the park near my house?” Naomi wasn’t sure if that’s what Emily had meant, though Emily gave her a small smile in reply, and Naomi felt like she’d actually said something right.
They walked most of the way in silence, until Emily slapped her on the arse and ran off laughing into the park, and Naomi squealed and gave chase, throwing her bag onto the ground and following Emily as she ran toward the swings.
“Truce! Truce!” Emily called out as she sat on a swing, and panted trying to catch her breath.
Naomi stopped, put her hands on her hips and bent over. “I have got to stop smoking.” She panted. “Fine. Truce. For now, Fitch.” She smirked at Emily, and sat in the swing next to her.
They were both silent for a moment, smiling at the ground.
“I bet I can swing higher than you can.” Emily said suddenly.
“Fuck off.” Naomi said back, and pushed herself as far backwards as she could, before lifting her feet and swinging forward.
The sun rose as they swung higher and higher, and Naomi realised she was laughing the entire time. Why had she ended this? She slowed herself down until she was just sat on the swing and no longer moving. Emily noticed, and slowed herself down as well.
“This is where I came.” Naomi said suddenly, squinting into the morning sunlight. “After Cook’s.” She didn’t look at Emily.
“Oh.” Was all Emily said, and Naomi missed the laughter.
“I drank myself stupid, and wept until I vomited.” Naomi snorted at herself. “Pathetic, really.” She glanced at Emily, who had turned to look at her with an inscrutable look on her face.
“I went back into the club, burst into tears, and drank so much they ended up throwing us all out. Got a bit out of control, I think. I don’t really remember.” Emily sighed, and looked at her own hands. “Katie says I was vomiting in my sleep, she had to roll me over in case I, I don’t know, had a rockstar death or something.”
“Jesus.” Naomi whispered. “I am so sorry, Ems.”
Emily shrugged, sniffled slightly. “Fucking drugs. I promised myself I wouldn’t tell you that.” She chuckled. “What are you sorry for?”
Naomi took a deep breath. “Everything, really. But listen, this sun is fucking too bright and, well, do you want to crash at mine? I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be arsed walking all the way to your house and, well, yeah.” Naomi raised her eyebrows at Emily, as Emily rubbed her eyes, and then licked her lips.
“Yeah. I do.”
They walked silently back to Naomi’s, close enough to keep brushing their hands together and be able to call it an accident, if pressed.
Naomi fumbled through her bag for her keys, and then slowly opened the door. She gestured toward Emily, and they snuck through the house until Naomi got to her bedroom door and accidently kicked it with her foot. She started giggling, and Emily rolled her eyes and started giggling as well.
They fell through the door, and Naomi quickly shut it before throwing her bag onto the floor and clambering onto her bed.
“Shit!” She said. “Not that mum would care, probably. Still.” She smiled at Emily, as alarm bells went off in her skull since Emily was in her room, and they were both on drugs, and Emily was looking at her in that intense way, that used to mean ‘Sex. Now.’ and she forced herself not to freak out, took a deep breath. “So.”
Emily sat on the edge of her bed, played with the hem of her own t-shirt, then turned until she was sitting cross legged and stared at Naomi.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t handle it.” Emily took a deep breath. “But I don’t think it was fair for you just to end it, while on drugs, and then refuse to talk to me when you weren’t.”
Naomi blinked. “I’m not sober yet.”
Emily waved her hand. “I don’t care at the moment. You probably won’t open up if you are anyway.”
Naomi bit her lip, then shrugged. “Fair enough.” Naomi scooted forwards, took Emily’s hands in her own. “Right. Well. I acted like a tit, and I’m sorry.”
Emily nodded slightly. “And?”
Naomi bit her lip. “Did you not notice that everyone knew what we were doing, all the time, and everyone thought it was okay to just, I don’t know, mention it at every possibility?”
Emily frowned. “Naomi, it’s what people do. They’re arseholes.” Emily shrugged.
Naomi rolled her eyes to look at her ceiling for a moment. She looked at Emily again. “It was just a bit much, that’s all.”
“Yeah and you should’ve talked to me about it instead of blaming me.” Emily’s eyes were all of a sudden shiny, and Naomi wasn’t sure what she’d do if Emily started to cry.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I just, I felt stupid afterwards, and there wasn’t anything we could do to change it so, I just. Fuck, I don’t know.” Naomi felt a tear slip onto her cheek, and wiped it away quickly. “Shit.”
Emily reached out a hand and touched her cheek. “Why do you always give up so quickly? It’s fucking frustrating, yeah?” Emily gave her a small smile.
“Because it’s easy? Because ‘Uncaring Bitch’ can also be pronounced ‘Naomi Campbell’?” Naomi shrugged, leaned into Emily’s hand.
“Liar.” Emily said, and leant toward her. “I think you care too much.”
Naomi was pretty sure it wasn’t just the drugs making the kiss unfuckingbelievably good. Or well, maybe, since there wasn’t any tongue. It was just pressure, just lips caught between lips, pressed so close she could feel Emily’s chest against hers, could feel the shuddering breaths as they both struggled to keep breathing because this felt like, well, not too much, Naomi thought. Not too much. But it felt like a lot. Like a lot more than it had ever been before.
Emily pushed her onto her back, or she pulled Emily with her as she lay down, she wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter. She wrapped her arms around Emily’s back as Emily cradled her face with both hands. She turned her body, felt Emily drop onto the mattress. They lay on their sides, their lips pressed together, and it could’ve been an hour, or five minutes, or days, or weeks, before they fell asleep without letting go.
*****
Naomi’s eyes cracked open as she stretched, feeling her neck pop and a headache at her temples begin. She looked at her ceiling, wondered what the time was. Felt her mind grasp onto last night, and she smiled.
“Fucking eventful.” She mumbled, remembering the pills and the dancing. Remembered talking to Freddie, and smoking in Effy’s room. Remembered walking to the park, and sitting on the swings, and coming back to her house with… “Emily.” She breathed, turning quickly and seeing her still asleep beside her.
She turned back, ignoring her protesting muscles which must’ve meant she’d slept like that for hours, and reached out to touch Emily’s face. Emily stirred slightly, opening her eyes and blinking in shock at seeing Naomi.
“Oh. Hi.” Emily managed to rasp out, before starting to cough. “Shit.” Emily caught Naomi’s hand, which was still caressing her face, and held it.
“Can I ask you something, Ems?” Naomi said softly, and Emily looked at her seriously, gave the slightest of nods, as if she was afraid of the question.
“Are Katie and Effy fucking, or what?” Naomi raised her eyebrows, as Emily burst out laughing, and coughing. “No, seriously, what exactly did I miss?”
Emily shook her head, still laughing. “Fuck!” She managed to take control of herself, and stopped. “Naomi. What the fuck?”
“I’m serious!” Naomi bit her lip. “Did you not see them cuddling? What the shit was that? Last I saw them, they hated each other. And now they’re spooning!” Naomi giggled as Emily pulled a disgusted face.
“No, Naomi! They are not shagging!” Emily shook her head. “I am fairly certain they sorted out their differences by, uh, talking or something.” Emily looked at her, and Naomi gave her a pointed look in return.
“Uhuh.” Naomi raised an eyebrow.
“No. Just no. Katie isn’t. Effy isn’t. I’ve been hanging around them since you fucked off and they don’t. I mean, they couldn’t be. I mean.” Emily frowned, and rolled onto her back. “No fucking way.”
Naomi shrugged, and tugged on Emily’s hand since Emily hadn’t let go.
“So I think I might be sober.” Naomi said, unintentionally batting her eyelashes at Emily.
“Don’t even think for a second that I’m going to forget the awful horror you just put in my brain.” Emily glared at her for a minute, before bursting into a smile. “I can’t believe I’m in your room again.”
Naomi pulled Emily’s hand to her chest, and held it there. “I, Naomi Campbell, apologise to you, Emily Fitch, for being a coward.”
Emily gaped at her. “Wait, wait, can you say that again? And can I borrow your video camera?” But Emily was smiling, from her lips to her eyes.
“Mmm.” Naomi deliberated, bringing Emily’s hand up to kiss her knuckles. “No.” She winked at Emily then. “Come on, I need some breakfast. Like, right fucking now.”
They still held hands as they walked into the kitchen, and only grudgingly let go when it turned out cutlery was a necessity. There were, of course, a thousand niggling thoughts in Naomi’s mind, most of them telling her that things wouldn’t change, and again she wouldn’t be able to deal with them, and Emily wouldn’t always take her back, and she was destined for more heartache, because that’s what you signed yourself up for with love. Eventual heartache. Inevitable misery, and loneliness.
Naomi took a sip of orange juice, and told herself to shut the fuck up. For once.
Rating: R probably, lots of swearing and drug use. Standard.
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Katie/Effy (if you look really closely, and have Katie/Effy goggles welded to your face)
Word Count: 7, 832
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. The Skins cast, drugs, shitty music, breakfast. None of it. Just borrowing and returning slightly used.
Summary: Set after the summer, everyone's back at college. Effy is having a party, convinces Naomi to come even though Naomi has retreated into self imposed isolation, again, after cocking things up with Emily, again.
N.B. Thanks to the icon making talents of thebishopfiles
“Mine. Tonight.” Effy had cornered her after Politics, the slightest smile on her lips and, Naomi noticed, she didn’t blink once during the entire exchange.
“Yeah, alright.” Naomi shrugged, doing her best not to look as awkward as this was making her feel. There were still people in the classroom, and Naomi was half leaning back onto the desk behind her, someone still gathering their belongings off it, as Effy stood in front of her just slightly too close for comfort.
But what wasn’t too close for comfort, really, Naomi thought. She rolled her eyes.
“Should I bring anything, then?” Naomi adjusted her shoulder strap, grasping her bag a little too tightly against her.
Effy raised her eyebrow. “No.” She took a step toward Naomi, reached out a hand and pushed a few blonde strands off Naomi’s forehead. “See you tonight.” She said, and brushed past her.
Naomi frowned slightly, mindful of the looks being thrown her way by classmates who couldn’t mind their own business. “What?” She said at a small group of girls, whispering to themselves as they took their time to leave.
“Nothing.” One of them said, and the others giggled.
“Dyke.” One of them spat out, suddenly, and they all dissolved into laughter.
Naomi looked at them, her eyes narrowing. “Fucking real mature.” She said, and stalked into the hall. There were people everywhere, and she shouldered her way to her locker, resting her head on it briefly before sighing and twisting her combination into the lock. A picture was resting on the books inside, her own face gazing back at her from it. She picked it up, looked around her wondering where it had come from, though no one was paying any attention to her, too busy at their own lockers, laughing and throwing pens and bits of paper at each other. She saw Freddie laughing with JJ, who had managed to set his own hand on fire and was waving it around before clapping his hands together and putting it out. Freddie applauded, along with Thomas and Pandora who were standing near them, and JJ bowed. Naomi shook her head, turning back to the photo.
She was outside, the sun shining just behind her head, making her hair look almost white. A breeze had blown through just before the photo had been snapped, and bits of her hair had flown up around her head and into her face. Her eyes gazed out between the strands, ridiculously light and filled with laughter, though her mouth was only just slightly upturned into a smile. Underneath her face, across the top of her shirt, where the photo cut off, was scrawled ‘Happiness, remember?’ in permanent marker. She fingered the edge of the photo for a moment, biting her lip, remembering where the photo had been taken, and who had been behind the lens, pressing the capture button.
“Fucking stalker.” She murmured, pushing the photo into the back of her locker, trying to forget it was there.
It occurred to her, later at home, that she should have just thrown it into the nearest bin. Of course she hadn’t, she thought as she spooned vegetable soup into her mouth and half heartedly read her Politics textbook. Of course she hadn’t, she just fucking loved being reminded how miserable she was.
*****
She had stood outside of Effy’s house, clutching a bottle of vodka and a six pack of alcopops, for at least ten minutes before knocking on the already open door, and following the music into the yard. There were about twenty people sprawled throughout the yard, and the smell of spliff in the air was almost stronger than the cologne pouring off JJ.
Effy had smirked when she’d seen Naomi, sauntering over to her and taking the alcohol out of her hands and putting them on the grass at Naomi’s feet. “Hi.” Naomi had said, not quite smiling, and Effy had grabbed her hands and pulled her into the small throng of people dancing in the middle of the group. Naomi, painfully sober, had excused herself for the bathroom as Effy laughed at her, the bitch, and handed her a small pill.
“Live a little.” Effy had said, already turning to the boy dancing against her back. Naomi had seen the look on Freddie’s face for just an instant, across the yard, before going back into the house for the bathroom.
Naomi looked at the little pill in the middle of her hand, feeling suddenly prudish. She’d done drugs before, many drugs actually, though felt as hesitant as she usually did these days. After all, she became someone else entirely on the fucking things, didn’t she? Dancing, which she did not do in any other circumstance; sex with fucking anyone who offered, it seemed; not to mention the euphoria which, thanks, she couldn’t bring herself to reconcile with her sober self. Happiness, even artificial, hadn’t been appealing in a long time.
Fuck it, though. She tipped her hand up, catching the falling pill with her mouth, and swallowing with a handful of water from the bathroom tap. She splashed a little water on her face too, for good measure, and forced herself to look in the mirror. She sighed. Bags under her eyes, a pimple forming on her chin. Involuntarily her mind flashed back to the picture in her locker, couldn’t help but make a comparison to how she looked now.
“Fucking shit.” She murmured, as knocking began against the door. “Occupied.” She yelled out.
“Fucking hurry, yeah?” Cook yelled back, and Naomi, irritated, opened the door and pushed past him and a young blonde. “Naomi!” Cook grabbed her, picked her up. “Naomi!” He cried out again, laughing. He put her down and quickly kissed her cheek. “Love you, girl.” He said and winked, before being half dragged into the bathroom by the blonde girl.
It wasn’t even ten yet, Naomi thought, finding her way back to the yard. Pandora stumbled toward her with the bottle of vodka she’d brought.
“Naomi hi!” Pandora tipped the bottle back, handing it to Naomi when she was done. “Come sit with us!”
Pandora grabbed her hand, as Naomi tipped the bottle against her lips and drank until she felt sick.
She was dragged over to where Freddie, JJ, Thomas and Katie were sitting, the former staring almost obsessively at Effy as she danced with her head tipped toward the stars and her eyes closed.
“Hey.” Katie said, surprising her. “Sit down, yeah.” Even patted the fucking ground near her. Naomi just stared at her for a moment, feeling the vodka burning her stomach, and a sudden light headedness overtake her. She sat down, though had no idea why. “How you’ve been?” Katie asked her, and Naomi wondered if the pill had kicked in yet and whether this was actually happening.
“Fine.” She said, and noticed Katie tearing at little clumps of grass around her, ripping them out of the ground and throwing them. “You?”
“Fine, yeah.” Katie said too quickly, looking behind Naomi’s head, at Effy quickly, and then smiling, or really grimacing, back at Naomi.
“Naomi! I haven’t seen you since Cook’s birthday which was, now I think about it, months ago now and, actually obviously I’ve seen you at college but what I mean is I haven’t seen you in a social sense since Cook’s, though I suppose one could argue that seeing you at college is seeing you in a social sense being that social can simply mean within society as opposed to…” Freddie had gently nudged JJ in the shoulder, rolling his eyes and drinking from the beer bottle in his hand, smiling affectionately back at JJ as he swallowed. “Sorry. Right. I just mean that I missed you.” JJ blinked in surprise at himself. “Not in a romantic sense, not that you aren’t attractive because I do find you very attractive but, wait, I mean not that I would want to, you know, because even though I find it very enjoyable I know that Emily is actually who you would rather…”
JJ clamped his own hands over his mouth suddenly as Katie threw grass at him, calling him a “Useless cockfuck!” and Naomi realised all of a sudden everyone was looking at her.
She slowly tipped the vodka bottle against her mouth, swallowing as she looked at each of them until they looked away. Freddie reached into his pocket, pulled out a spliff the size of a cigar, and lit it. He took a few deep drags, before reaching across the group and handing it to Naomi with a wink.
“Cheers.” She said, and smoked until Katie took it out of her hands with force.
“Puff puff pass, arsehole.” Katie smirked, and Naomi found herself smirking back. When the fuck had that changed?
Pandora and Thomas had gotten up and joined the dancing, and Naomi began to feel the beginnings of the ecstasy hit her. She knew this because quite suddenly she loved this song, though she’d never heard it before, and her head was actually fucking bopping along to it. She felt hands under her armpits, lifting her up, and heard Cook’s voice laughing in her ear. He smelled like alcohol, spliff, and sex and she leaned her head back on his shoulder as he lifted her and dragged her back into the dancing bodies, which had doubled in size since she’d arrived. She let herself sway to the music, let Cook continue to have his arms around her, felt him dancing against her back and didn’t fucking care. Effy came toward them, reaching around her and putting her hands on Cook’s waist, dancing against Naomi’s front. Naomi laughed, actually laughed, and only let herself realise for a small moment that she couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed.
*****
Cook’s birthday had been the night she’d broken up with Emily. They hadn’t been back at college for very long, and the summer felt like it had happened years ago rather than a few weeks when Naomi realised she couldn’t do it any longer. Couldn’t be in a relationship, not to mention in such a public relationship that everyone seemed to have some kind of invested interest in. That hadn’t been her fault, though, it had been Emily’s. Emily for declaring her big gay self in front of most of the bloody college, and then telling everyone that she had big gay feelings for Naomi, that she loved her.
Yes it had been sweet, and yes Naomi had realised that maybe she had big gay inclinations of her own. But getting back to college it had seemed like their public declaration had invited in every public opinion in the whole place. There was nowhere they could go that they wouldn’t be interrupted by someone with a question, or a comment, or a joke. Everyone, and she meant everyone, said “Hi!” to her now, or “How’s it going?”, or “You two are hot.”, or “Can I join you?”. It was surprising, and then it was annoying. She had enjoyed her anonymity before, had enjoyed being someone not easily approachable. She had enjoyed her fucking privacy.
The summer had been an entirely different story, of course. She had loved every minute of it, because it had just been the two of them, spending hours in the sunshine. She loved Emily because they could be silent together, if she didn’t feel like talking. They could make out for hours and hours, and barely say a word. Or, if she was feeling sporadically passionate, Emily would freely debate with her over almost any topic she fancied, and most of the time she didn’t even feel in the slightest that Emily was letting her win.
Katie hadn’t even presented much resistance after her public humiliation. It had seemed since their brief fight that Katie didn’t really have much anger left toward her, at least, and instead focused it on Effy when she returned from fuck knows where. The thing about Effy though, which Freddie had learned and yet also hadn’t fucking learned, was the more emotion you threw at her the more unresponsive she became.
They had all gone out for Cook’s birthday, even Katie who had declared that no anorexic psycho bitch from hell was going to stop her hanging out with her own fucking friends, and had shown up staunchly prepared to have a wonderful time. Naomi and Emily had arrived a little late because getting ready had resulted in a challenge of whether or not they could have sex in the fifteen minutes they had until they were meant to meet everyone.
They had ended up at a popular club filled with classmates, and Cook had acquired a mix of cocaine, MDMA and speed that had burned everyone’s nostrils till they’d gone numb. Naomi would admit, under pressure, that the drugs had made her feel overtly aggressive, and could in part be blamed for her outburst, but the sick feeling in her stomach whenever she was in public with Emily now had been building since college had began again.
They were on the dance floor, her and Emily, dancing energetically against each other. Naomi kept seeing people watching them, talking to themselves, pointing, laughing. She was convinced everyone was talking about them, and she was also convinced it was a bad thing.
“I need a fag!” She yelled against Emily’s ear, who grabbed her face in her hands and kissed her. Naomi pulled her head away, after a moment, turning toward the door and using it as a focus to get through all the fucking bodies in her way.
She fumbled with her lighter when she was outside, lighting her cigarette and smoking furiously for a few moments. A boy she recognised from somewhere (Psychology maybe?) stumbled toward her.
“Hey, hey you’re the dyke. Fuck, girl, you two are just. Are just.” He rested his hand on the wall just behind her head, and leaned into her. “So fucking hot. I think it would be, no I know, it would be fucking magic to join you two. Fucking magic.”
“For fuck’s sake, leave me alone!” She said, and then shoved against his chest with all the aggression she could muster, and he tripped over his own feet and hit his head against the gutter.
“Fuck!” He put his hand to the back of his head, pulled it back with the slightest smear of blood on them. “Bitch! Fucking bitch!” He scrambled to his feet. Stumbled away from her, as she began to shake.
Emily walked over to her then, missing the whole thing, smiling at her. “All I want to do,” She said as she approached. “Is take you back to your place and fuck you stupid.” Emily ran her hand along Naomi’s stomach. Naomi hit her hand away.
“For fuck’s sake Ems, we’re on the fucking street, can’t you control yourself? Fuck!” Naomi flicked her cigarette away as Emily took a step back.
“What? Are you alright?” Emily’s eyes were wounded, and Naomi couldn’t look at them, but forced herself to anyway.
“No, I’m not fucking alright. I’m sick of everyone thinking it’s okay to talk to me about something that isn’t even their fucking business, alright? It’s just too fucking much.” Emily tried to reach for her, but she shook her off and threw her hands up. “I can’t fucking do this right now. I can’t fucking, just, I liked when no one knew me, alright, I liked having privacy because, because,” She was rambling, high as a fucking kite, walking backwards to god knows where. “I like being alone and I don’t like everyone thinking they know me and I can’t do this. No longer doing this. Because I actually physically just can’t.”
Naomi had woken up on her own doorstep. Had remembered walking home and letting herself in, grabbing her mum’s bottle of Jack Daniels and taking it to the park near her house, and drinking and smoking furiously on a swing until the sun had started to rise, and she’d suddenly burst into tears and cried until she’d thrown up.
Scattered didn’t even begin to cover it. Apologies were useless, and the damage control involved would take too much self sacrifice and back tracking. Avoidance was easier, and she pretended it hadn’t bothered her that Emily, for once, hadn’t pushed.
*****
Effy gyrated against her thigh as Cook ran his hands over her stomach, and fuck if she wasn’t enjoying the whole situation. She had gotten what she wanted, breaking up with Emily. She had slipped back into Do Not Approach mode, she had become untouchable again. It didn’t matter that being at Effy’s, surrounded by people, made her feel better than she had since summer. It didn’t matter that at the back of her mind she wondered why Emily wasn’t there, or that the thought made her stomach drop just slightly, and it was more than she’d felt in months.
Effy leaned into her, stuck her tongue out with another pill on it, raised an eyebrow at her in challenge, and Naomi opened her mouth. Effy was in and out, depositing the pill and withdrawing with a smirk. Naomi swallowed, felt Cook’s lips on her neck, didn’t care that it felt sloppy and wrong.
Effy moved away from them, and Pandora came into view, dancing and laughing with Thomas. It made Naomi ache slightly, which was alarming enough, to watch them. The four of them had hung out over the summer sometimes, each in their own couple bliss, the only ones in the group who didn’t seem to be sulking over something. Naomi remembered the smug feeling that being in love had brought. For the briefest moment, she frowned and allowed herself to wonder how Thomas and Pandora had lasted and her and Emily hadn’t. That wasn’t fair.
She saw Emily then, dancing with Freddie, a hip flask of vodka in her hands, her head thrown back and her eyes closed. He was behind her, and Effy was dancing in front. Naomi watched as Effy got Emily’s attention, reaching in and depositing a pill in the same way she had with Naomi. As Effy pulled back, Emily grinned and pulled her in, kissing her quickly before they started laughing against each other.
“What the fuck?” She heard herself say, and stepped away from Cook, who shrugged and latched onto someone else. She stepped back until she was out of the throng of dancers, and stumbled through Effy’s house until she found the living room. “Fuck.” She said, feeling waves of drugs and emotion running over her skin. There was an ache in her chest, and she fucking hated it. She’d done well to feel as little as possible, and it was like her heart had been split open and all the liquid feeling was pouring all over her.
“Hiding?” Katie asked from the doorway, and Naomi looked at her, feeling her eyes straining to focus.
“It’s what I do.” She heard herself mumble. Katie sat beside her on the lounge.
“Listen, I never liked you, yeah? Still don’t, really. You’re shit at basic human behaviour, including being able to dress yourself properly, and you fucking acted like a tit to my sister.” Katie was here, talking to her, on the lounge, without violence. What?
Naomi rolled her head toward Katie. “You love her more than me, remember.” Naomi smirked, knowing it looked as ugly as it felt.
“Fucking whatever, either do something about it or fuck off and don’t come back. I don’t know what your problem is, other than being a miserable, colourblind arsehole, but you hurt Emily and you have to face it.” Katie grabbed Naomi’s wrist, squeezing.
“Or what, you’ll strangle me till I hit you with a rock?” Naomi winced as Katie squeezed tighter.
“Just fucking grow a pair, Naomi.” Katie let her go, and stood up. She straightened her skirt, and Naomi hated that Katie had the higher moral ground in this, that Naomi was acting like a twat and knew it.
Naomi stood, wobbily, deciding she needed another drink before the second pill hit her. She made her way back outside, saw Katie talking to Emily out of the corner of her eye, but continued resolutely to the bottle of vodka still on the grass where they had been sitting before. She threw herself down next to it, crossing her legs and unscrewing the top, swigging once, then twice, and sighing deeply. JJ was unsuccessfully attempting to seduce a group of girls with setting his hand on fire, but his lighter wouldn’t catch, and most of them looked bored.
Naomi felt sorry for him, for just a moment, before remembering that those hands had been on her ex girlfriend once, and she was shit at the whole ‘forgive and forget’ thing anyway.
Cook was aggressively dry humping a brunette in the corner and Naomi snorted. “That was quick.” She said to no one, having another drink. Pandora and Thomas were slow dancing, kissing, smiling shyly at each other, and a whole bunch of other sappy shit she didn’t want to look at, so she pointedly looked away. Effy had a boy and a girl on either side of her, dancing, and Freddie was moodily sat in the corner of the yard with a massive spliff he didn’t seem to be sharing with anyone. “Waste.” Naomi said, getting to her feet, stumbling past Katie and Emily, the latter turning to look at her briefly as she passed, painfully, before Naomi plonked down next to Freddie.
“Alright, Naomi?” Freddie asked, not taking his eyes off Effy. He passed her the spliff.
“Alright, Fred?” She replied, taking a long drag, exhaling a jet stream of smoke and watching it dissipate.
“Not really, honestly.” He said, looking at her for a second.
“It’s a bit like that these days.” She said, inhaling and exhaling again before passing the spliff back.
“Yeah, well, not by choice.” He inhaled for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “I’ve shagged four girls in the last two months, yeah? Beautiful girls, lovely.” Naomi smirked at him, and he blinked. “Brilliant personalities.” He winked at her. “But I can’t get her,” He gestured toward Effy. “Out of my fucking mind.”
“Well, she’s completely unattainable. Makes her irresistible.” Naomi nodded, taking the spliff back. Ha! How was this for being social, JJ?
“Is that why you do it?” Freddie asked, raising his eyebrows as she coughed in shock.
“Do what?” She asked, handing the spliff back, drawing her knees into her chest. “I don’t know what…” She began.
“Make yourself unattainable.” Freddie cut her off. “Drives Emily mad you know.”
Naomi opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Does every fucking thing have to revolve around her?”
Freddie shrugged. Gave her the spliff, and stood up. “Going for a piss.” He smiled easily at her, loping off toward the house.
Naomi sighed, fingered the filter of the spliff in her hand. She looked around at the other party goers, noticing a couple of them waving and leaving already. She wondered for a moment if she should leave as well, cut her losses, retreat and try and go to sleep. But fuck her eyes were open, and she was buzzing quite strongly, and the thought of sleep was awful. She looked over at Katie and Emily, who were still talking, and Emily turned and stared right at her.
Naomi was not romantic. She thought things like hearts, flowers and endlessness was soppy shit designed by corporations pushing excessive consumerism, or was simply a mask for the biological and evolutionary urge to procreate. Or, that’s what she said when asked. It would have to be the drugs, she thought, making her think that her heart actually skipped a fucking beat when Emily looked at her. Or heart disease. Possibly. She tried to smile at Emily, tried not to remember that for the last couple of months she had done nothing but ignore her.
To her surprise, Emily walked over to her and sat down. Naomi offered her the spliff. “So.” Emily said, taking the longest drag Naomi had ever seen her take.
“Have you been here all night?” Naomi asked her, resting her head on the top of her knees and hugging them closer. Emily didn’t look at her.
“Yeah.” Emily exhaled. “Haven’t seen you around in a while.”
Naomi closed her eyes, opening them when Emily handed the spliff back. Naomi had an awful urge to offer a blowback, but didn’t. “I haven’t really been feeling, er, social I guess.” Fucking JJ.
“That much has been apparent.” Emily looked at her then, without the open adoration she used to. Naomi suddenly missed it. “I’m seeing someone.” Emily muttered, shrugging, looking away from Naomi.
“Oh.” Was all Naomi could say. “Who?”
“A girl. Obviously. Samantha. She isn’t here.” Emily said, as Naomi looked around suddenly. “She’s in France.”
“Oh.” Naomi had lost all sense of vocabulary. “Well.”
“You still want to be by yourself?” Emily asked, starting to play with the grass around her in a direct imitation of her sister.
Naomi felt the spliff bringing on the second pill, felt her mind tilt sideways and slip onto the grass, her heart spilling into her mouth. “No.” She said quietly. “I just wanted…” But she didn’t know what she’d wanted, ever.
Emily sighed, stubbed out the smouldering roach, turned to look at her. “What happened?”
“I don’t know…” Naomi began, trailing off, wishing she was anywhere but where she was. And also, not wanting to be anywhere else. Always the same fucking dilemma. “I lost my mind a bit, I think. Took it out on you. Should’ve been a tad more delicate, perhaps.”
“Right.” Emily said, looking at her sharply. “Breaking up with me sober, in private, rather than off your tits outside a club everyone ever that we know is in, so I don’t have to walk in crying and not knowing what the fuck was going on. That might’ve been more fucking delicate.”
“No. No.” Naomi said, reaching out and grabbing Emily’s hand. “Talking to you about feeling so fucking violated by strangers, and not breaking up with you. Or something to that effect.” One thing Naomi did hate about ecstasy was how much it made her fucking talk. “You made me happy, Ems. Everything else made me shit.”
Emily took a shaky breath, looked at their clasped hands. “I want to say this is too little, too late.” Emily said softly. “But I can’t.” She took her hand from Naomi’s, ran her hands through her hair. “We need to talk sober. You’re fucking high as anything, and fuck knows I am as well.”
Emily stood up, reached her hand out toward Naomi, pulled her up. “I usually hate dancing.” Naomi said, not knowing what else to say.
“Promise me you’ll talk to me, sometime. It’s not that fucking hard.” Emily tugged her toward the dancing bodies. Naomi tripped slightly, fell into Emily, their faces only barely apart.
“It is, though.” Naomi whispered, as Emily wrapped her arms around her waist. They both seemed to realise at the same time how close they were, and Emily pulled her arms back, licked her lips, and seemed to shake herself.
“Sorry. Old habits, well, you know.” Emily attempted a smile, and Naomi attempted to smile back.
Naomi realised she was dancing, or well, swaying on the spot, and Emily had started to as well. The music was pumping across the grass, and it was good though Naomi knew, deep down somewhere, it was shit music. Not the stuff she was usually into. But fucking amazing for a dance. Not that she danced, on principle, but she definitely did on E.
Naomi shut her eyes, tilted her head back, completely stopped caring that there were people around her. For once.
*****
Naomi must have danced for hours, she thought, when she opened her eyes and saw they’d been joined by Thomas, Pandora, Effy, JJ, Freddie and even Katie. They all had the same looks on their faces, lost in the moment, pilling off their chops, and she started to laugh. Emily had gazed at her dreamily for just a moment, before starting to laugh too, and turning to Katie. Katie giggled, accidently snorted, and then burst into laughter as Cook came bounding out of the house, and tackled Freddie to the ground.
“Fuck!” Naomi managed to say, falling over.
“Amazing, right?” Effy spoke to the sky, laughing and spreading her arms out.
“Absofuckinglutely darlin’!” Cook yelled, straddling Freddie and ignoring his swatting hands. Freddie was too weak with laughter to push Cook off him, attempting to knock him off by thrusting his hips up. “Cheeky tiger!” Cook laughed.
“Get off me you twat!” Freddie called out.
Naomi crawled over to the vodka bottle, and emptied it down her throat. Emily followed her with Effy, who sat down next to her and lit a cigarette. Naomi blinked her eyes, looking around at the remnants of the party.
“Hang on, where is everyone?” Naomi frowned, seeing that the group was all that was left.
Effy shrugged. “Only had drugs for us. It’s late.”
“Lame.” Emily said forcefully, out of nowhere. Naomi giggled.
“Weak.” Naomi agreed.
“Poor.” Katie crawled over to them. “I can’t fucking stand up anymore.” She lay down in front of Emily, put her head in her sister’s lap. Emily grinned and leaned back.
Pandora was singing loudly, spinning around in place. Thomas stumbled over to them, smiling.
“I must take her home. She is too ecstatic.” He said, touching each of them on the head.
Naomi grinned up at him. “You’re lovely.” She said, and Katie snorted again.
“Naomi gives a compliment. Call the fucking press.” Emily flicked her sister in the forehead as Katie started laughing again. “Ow! Cunt!”
“Language, Katiekins. My virgin ears can’t bear such vile words.” Naomi grinned as Effy rolled her eyes.
“Virgin my arse.” Emily said loudly, and then blushed.
JJ walked over to them then, giving up on separating Freddie and Cook, who still hadn’t climbed off.
“This fell out of Fred’s pocket and, well, I thought perhaps you’d like it more than I would, being that I don’t do drugs and obviously you all have and it is awfully late so I’m off home.” JJ stopped for a moment, smiling at Naomi and handing the spliff to her. “Can you tell Freddie and Cook that I left without them because I’ve become an independent person lately, or a more independent person than I was before, and I am perfectly able to decide when I should go home. And that I can stop myself talking whenever I want to. Such as now.” JJ frowned slightly, and Effy waved him off.
JJ walked off toward the house, waving again before disappearing through it. Emily shivered suddenly. Effy looked at her for a moment before standing up.
“Come on.” She said, and Naomi wasn’t sure who she was talking to, though Emily was standing and attempting to convince Katie that it was a good idea to stand up too.
“Just stand up, Katie. For fuck’s sake. You can’t just lie on the ground. You’ll freeze.” Emily pulled at her twin’s arm, as Katie shook her head.
“The fuck I will. This jacket is made from actual leopard, Ems. It’s so warm. It soaked up all the heat in Africa and now it’s wrapped around me. Christ. It’s amazing.”
Emily looked at her for help for a moment, and Naomi lurched forward and grabbed Katie’s other arm.
“Come on Cruella De Ville, time to go inside.”
Navigating the three of them up the stairs took far longer than it should’ve, Naomi thought, throwing Katie onto Effy’s bed as Effy looked on amused.
“She had three.” Effy said, lighting a cigarette and sitting on her windowsill.
Katie raised a fist into the air, prostrate on the bed. “Fierce!” She said, as Emily tried to shush her.
“So you two are friends again?” Naomi asked, lighting her own cigarette and leaning against the window opposite Effy.
“Something like that.” Effy looked over at Katie, for a moment her eyes softened. “We had to keep hating each other, or move past it.” Effy took a deep drag.
“You moved past it, then?” Naomi looked over as Emily pushed Katie’s fringe off her forehead, talking to her quietly.
Effy just smirked. “It’s good you came.”
Naomi bit her lip slightly. “You were quite forceful with your invitation.”
“That’s not why you came.” Effy exhaled, still smirking, because of course she just knew fucking everything. “You came,” Effy said, stubbing out her cigarette. “Because of the photo.”
Naomi blinked. “What? That was you?”
Effy shrugged. “More my influence.”
“Why?” Naomi cocked her head to the side.
“Why not?” Effy replied, turning to Emily. “Ems have a fag, I’ll look after her.”
Emily looked up, and Naomi looked away. Effy moved next to Katie, and began to rub her back as Katie rolled away from her.
“Alright.” Emily said slowly, as Katie gave her a thumbs up.
Naomi kept her focus on the smoke she was exhaling, watched it rise toward the sky before getting swept away. She could see Emily lighting a cigarette next to her, and leaning against the other side of the window frame.
“So tell me about Samantha.” Naomi attempted to sound bright, but it fell a little flat.
Emily shrugged. “Met her at a club, she was just visiting though. Lives in France. Is in France.” Emily exhaled, reached up to tuck her fringe behind her ear. “We email sometimes.”
Naomi snorted, and then giggled. Emily looked at her sharply, then tried desperately not to smile.
“It’s not exactly romance.” Emily said, and then laughed as Naomi snorted again.
“Not exactly leaving someone a photograph in their locker, is it?” Naomi’s laughter died down. Shit. She bit her lip. She was never taking pills again. Or no, that was silly, pills were brilliant. Hang on, what had she said?
Emily was staring through Effy’s window. “You’re probably the love of my teenage life, Naomi. Do you know that?” Emily wouldn’t look at her, kept smoking and staring outside.
“Oh.” Was all she could manage to say.
She watched Emily frown, and start to stub out her cigarette, muttering. “Fucking idiot.”
“I mean, I think I do know that,” Naomi said quickly. “I do, Ems. You’re probably mine too. Or something.” Fucking drugs! “Christ! I mean. Look. We should talk when we’re sober, like you suggested and that will be the conversation that we should use. For this. And not this one.” Naomi was vehemently opposed to rambling. Usually. Shit.
Emily smiled at her, all of a sudden, the way she used to. “Sober up, then.” She said, and then her jaw twitched and she shook her head slightly. “Actually, I should probably sober up too.”
Naomi nodded. “I think it might be home time.” She stood awkwardly for a moment, watching through Effy’s window as the first glimpses of sunlight crept into the sky.
Emily nodded too, and went over to the bed where Katie was rambling about the merits of true love and friendship to Effy.
“Like, cos you know it too babes, that love is just like, a heart explosion, and the pieces fall around us in like, this fucking top notch shower of just, fucking, amazing,” Katie gestured her hands in front of her, and Naomi blinked when she realised Effy was spooning her from behind.
“Mmhmm,” Effy hummed. “Go on.”
“Katie, come on, we’ve got to go.” Emily reached out and touched Katie’s forehead as Effy smirked behind her.
“No we don’t, Ems, me and Ef are talking about fucking just life and did you know Ems that love is like a heart explosion, did you know that?” Katie was grinning, her jaw still moving even though she wasn’t talking anymore.
“You go. I’ll make sure she comes down alright.” Effy said, smiling at Emily. Emily smiled back, and Naomi was struck by how much she’d missed, isolating herself.
“Thanks, Ef.” Emily said, and kissed Katie on the forehead.
“Right, well, thanks for everything. See you Monday.” Naomi said awkwardly, and Effy winked at her.
They both walked downstairs, found their bags in the empty backyard, and barely wondered where Freddie and Cook had gone. Or cared, really, thought Naomi.
“I can’t believe the sun is coming up.” Naomi said quietly as they walked side by side, far enough away from each other not to touch.
“Yeah.” Emily bit her lip. “I can’t believe you came. Tonight.” Emily sighed.
Naomi wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Well, it was eventful.” She shrugged, attempted a smile.
“Mm. Well. I don’t think I want to go home.” Emily stopped walking, and when Naomi turned around she was met with an intense look from Emily that, once, meant something else.
“We could go to the park near my house?” Naomi wasn’t sure if that’s what Emily had meant, though Emily gave her a small smile in reply, and Naomi felt like she’d actually said something right.
They walked most of the way in silence, until Emily slapped her on the arse and ran off laughing into the park, and Naomi squealed and gave chase, throwing her bag onto the ground and following Emily as she ran toward the swings.
“Truce! Truce!” Emily called out as she sat on a swing, and panted trying to catch her breath.
Naomi stopped, put her hands on her hips and bent over. “I have got to stop smoking.” She panted. “Fine. Truce. For now, Fitch.” She smirked at Emily, and sat in the swing next to her.
They were both silent for a moment, smiling at the ground.
“I bet I can swing higher than you can.” Emily said suddenly.
“Fuck off.” Naomi said back, and pushed herself as far backwards as she could, before lifting her feet and swinging forward.
The sun rose as they swung higher and higher, and Naomi realised she was laughing the entire time. Why had she ended this? She slowed herself down until she was just sat on the swing and no longer moving. Emily noticed, and slowed herself down as well.
“This is where I came.” Naomi said suddenly, squinting into the morning sunlight. “After Cook’s.” She didn’t look at Emily.
“Oh.” Was all Emily said, and Naomi missed the laughter.
“I drank myself stupid, and wept until I vomited.” Naomi snorted at herself. “Pathetic, really.” She glanced at Emily, who had turned to look at her with an inscrutable look on her face.
“I went back into the club, burst into tears, and drank so much they ended up throwing us all out. Got a bit out of control, I think. I don’t really remember.” Emily sighed, and looked at her own hands. “Katie says I was vomiting in my sleep, she had to roll me over in case I, I don’t know, had a rockstar death or something.”
“Jesus.” Naomi whispered. “I am so sorry, Ems.”
Emily shrugged, sniffled slightly. “Fucking drugs. I promised myself I wouldn’t tell you that.” She chuckled. “What are you sorry for?”
Naomi took a deep breath. “Everything, really. But listen, this sun is fucking too bright and, well, do you want to crash at mine? I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be arsed walking all the way to your house and, well, yeah.” Naomi raised her eyebrows at Emily, as Emily rubbed her eyes, and then licked her lips.
“Yeah. I do.”
They walked silently back to Naomi’s, close enough to keep brushing their hands together and be able to call it an accident, if pressed.
Naomi fumbled through her bag for her keys, and then slowly opened the door. She gestured toward Emily, and they snuck through the house until Naomi got to her bedroom door and accidently kicked it with her foot. She started giggling, and Emily rolled her eyes and started giggling as well.
They fell through the door, and Naomi quickly shut it before throwing her bag onto the floor and clambering onto her bed.
“Shit!” She said. “Not that mum would care, probably. Still.” She smiled at Emily, as alarm bells went off in her skull since Emily was in her room, and they were both on drugs, and Emily was looking at her in that intense way, that used to mean ‘Sex. Now.’ and she forced herself not to freak out, took a deep breath. “So.”
Emily sat on the edge of her bed, played with the hem of her own t-shirt, then turned until she was sitting cross legged and stared at Naomi.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t handle it.” Emily took a deep breath. “But I don’t think it was fair for you just to end it, while on drugs, and then refuse to talk to me when you weren’t.”
Naomi blinked. “I’m not sober yet.”
Emily waved her hand. “I don’t care at the moment. You probably won’t open up if you are anyway.”
Naomi bit her lip, then shrugged. “Fair enough.” Naomi scooted forwards, took Emily’s hands in her own. “Right. Well. I acted like a tit, and I’m sorry.”
Emily nodded slightly. “And?”
Naomi bit her lip. “Did you not notice that everyone knew what we were doing, all the time, and everyone thought it was okay to just, I don’t know, mention it at every possibility?”
Emily frowned. “Naomi, it’s what people do. They’re arseholes.” Emily shrugged.
Naomi rolled her eyes to look at her ceiling for a moment. She looked at Emily again. “It was just a bit much, that’s all.”
“Yeah and you should’ve talked to me about it instead of blaming me.” Emily’s eyes were all of a sudden shiny, and Naomi wasn’t sure what she’d do if Emily started to cry.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I just, I felt stupid afterwards, and there wasn’t anything we could do to change it so, I just. Fuck, I don’t know.” Naomi felt a tear slip onto her cheek, and wiped it away quickly. “Shit.”
Emily reached out a hand and touched her cheek. “Why do you always give up so quickly? It’s fucking frustrating, yeah?” Emily gave her a small smile.
“Because it’s easy? Because ‘Uncaring Bitch’ can also be pronounced ‘Naomi Campbell’?” Naomi shrugged, leaned into Emily’s hand.
“Liar.” Emily said, and leant toward her. “I think you care too much.”
Naomi was pretty sure it wasn’t just the drugs making the kiss unfuckingbelievably good. Or well, maybe, since there wasn’t any tongue. It was just pressure, just lips caught between lips, pressed so close she could feel Emily’s chest against hers, could feel the shuddering breaths as they both struggled to keep breathing because this felt like, well, not too much, Naomi thought. Not too much. But it felt like a lot. Like a lot more than it had ever been before.
Emily pushed her onto her back, or she pulled Emily with her as she lay down, she wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter. She wrapped her arms around Emily’s back as Emily cradled her face with both hands. She turned her body, felt Emily drop onto the mattress. They lay on their sides, their lips pressed together, and it could’ve been an hour, or five minutes, or days, or weeks, before they fell asleep without letting go.
*****
Naomi’s eyes cracked open as she stretched, feeling her neck pop and a headache at her temples begin. She looked at her ceiling, wondered what the time was. Felt her mind grasp onto last night, and she smiled.
“Fucking eventful.” She mumbled, remembering the pills and the dancing. Remembered talking to Freddie, and smoking in Effy’s room. Remembered walking to the park, and sitting on the swings, and coming back to her house with… “Emily.” She breathed, turning quickly and seeing her still asleep beside her.
She turned back, ignoring her protesting muscles which must’ve meant she’d slept like that for hours, and reached out to touch Emily’s face. Emily stirred slightly, opening her eyes and blinking in shock at seeing Naomi.
“Oh. Hi.” Emily managed to rasp out, before starting to cough. “Shit.” Emily caught Naomi’s hand, which was still caressing her face, and held it.
“Can I ask you something, Ems?” Naomi said softly, and Emily looked at her seriously, gave the slightest of nods, as if she was afraid of the question.
“Are Katie and Effy fucking, or what?” Naomi raised her eyebrows, as Emily burst out laughing, and coughing. “No, seriously, what exactly did I miss?”
Emily shook her head, still laughing. “Fuck!” She managed to take control of herself, and stopped. “Naomi. What the fuck?”
“I’m serious!” Naomi bit her lip. “Did you not see them cuddling? What the shit was that? Last I saw them, they hated each other. And now they’re spooning!” Naomi giggled as Emily pulled a disgusted face.
“No, Naomi! They are not shagging!” Emily shook her head. “I am fairly certain they sorted out their differences by, uh, talking or something.” Emily looked at her, and Naomi gave her a pointed look in return.
“Uhuh.” Naomi raised an eyebrow.
“No. Just no. Katie isn’t. Effy isn’t. I’ve been hanging around them since you fucked off and they don’t. I mean, they couldn’t be. I mean.” Emily frowned, and rolled onto her back. “No fucking way.”
Naomi shrugged, and tugged on Emily’s hand since Emily hadn’t let go.
“So I think I might be sober.” Naomi said, unintentionally batting her eyelashes at Emily.
“Don’t even think for a second that I’m going to forget the awful horror you just put in my brain.” Emily glared at her for a minute, before bursting into a smile. “I can’t believe I’m in your room again.”
Naomi pulled Emily’s hand to her chest, and held it there. “I, Naomi Campbell, apologise to you, Emily Fitch, for being a coward.”
Emily gaped at her. “Wait, wait, can you say that again? And can I borrow your video camera?” But Emily was smiling, from her lips to her eyes.
“Mmm.” Naomi deliberated, bringing Emily’s hand up to kiss her knuckles. “No.” She winked at Emily then. “Come on, I need some breakfast. Like, right fucking now.”
They still held hands as they walked into the kitchen, and only grudgingly let go when it turned out cutlery was a necessity. There were, of course, a thousand niggling thoughts in Naomi’s mind, most of them telling her that things wouldn’t change, and again she wouldn’t be able to deal with them, and Emily wouldn’t always take her back, and she was destined for more heartache, because that’s what you signed yourself up for with love. Eventual heartache. Inevitable misery, and loneliness.
Naomi took a sip of orange juice, and told herself to shut the fuck up. For once.