Vibes
Does anyone else feel like they don’t belong when they’re with family?
A part of me knows my parents have love for me, but I just never feel like I’m really part of a fully “accepted” family relationship. I get the feeling that I’m “dealt with” and they find me to be annoying or overwhelming. Or may just not positive enough to be part of the group. That I’m “welcome” because that’s what they feel they need to do for me. That I’m invited to Sunday dinner just so they can feel good that they put it out there. I try to connect but end up feeling like I don’t belong. Like I don’t really have their support. That I’m just “there” but they would rather my brothers be there. My brothers who they seem to feel are better people to connect to. I know that it’s likely my fault, but how do you really express something you don’t feel? (Welcome.) I become negative and I share my honest opinion, but I know that by that time I’ve outstayed my welcome. My mom laughs, and part of me feels she agrees, but she doesn’t deal well with the truth when it comes to family. They like to turn a blind eye. My dad deals with anxiety too so at some point we all drive him crazy. I just feel so stressed out when I’m here and I don’t feel like it brings the best out of me. If I’m being honest... I wonder what my purpose even is. I struggle with relationships and connecting these days.
On a positive note.... I went to mass today and the homily was exactly what I needed. It was pretty much about mindfulness. It was about being present, and really noticing things. About really acknowledging the people and places around us. Including the homeless. To really giving them respect by at least saying hi and acknowledging their existence. People deserve to feel acknowledged instead of invisible. It will drive them to feel good, and therefore let them feel they too have a purpose. It’s funny how sometimes church really brings out the best in you.