(no subject)
I can't seem to grow up.
I'm depressed right now, for a variety of reasons.
I can't write. I'm trying to write an essay for my class. I'm trying to figure out a way to make the essay meaningful to me, in the hopes that it will make the essay come easier. But it's not working. It's a stupid essay and I don't want to write it.
I've started the essay several times. I have two sentences right now. I'm gonna end up throwing them out.
I used to be able to write. In high school I could write a solid essay in 2 hours. Now I can't write shit. Each time I sit down to do so, it's a complete battle.
This seems to be my life.
I can distract myself with instant gratification provided by books and movies and video games and pornography. Mindlessness.
In Tonglen practice, you're supposed to find compassion for others by having compassion for yourself, and you're supposed to have compassion for yourself by having compassion for others. This makes perfect sense to me. It echos "Love Thy Neighbor as You Love Thyself."
It's that equation I've talked about before. If you love yourself too much and don't have love for others, you eventually become unhappy. If you love everyone else but don't love yourself, you eventually burn out. If you maintain a balance between these two, they grow together.
I don't know how to love myself, because I don't fucking know who I am.
In Tonglen, we're taught that the part of you that you're trying to protect is who you are. The part that is tender when people poke it, is who you are. I don't know what I'm trying to protect, and everything always hurts constantly.
So where in that do I find who I am?
I did some soul-searching a while ago, and came up with an abundance of soul and a scarcity of dharma, so I figured I had been given the opportunity to make one up. To start with my own clean canvas. So I said priest, because I want to be one. I thought then that once I had decided on this life path, that things would then move forward accordingly.
I should be energized by my soul, by my true nature, poking through.
Instead I still constantly feel like I'm trying to fight my way through a mattress.
I've tried praying to God for energy, for some way through this, and it never comes. I've tried drinking and energy drinks and eating fruit, and nothing ever comes.
Instead I'm floundering around at the age of 26, repeating all the same mistakes, all the same patterns I've made my entire life, fully aware that they're the same patterns, but completely incapable of seeing the lessons I should be learning, other than "you shouldn't do that."
I should have been writing my essay all day, and I've been thinking about it constantly, struggling to come up with something tangible to write. Even a line to start with or a line to write towards. Instead I've been playing a stupid boat game on my phone, watching Star Wars, thinking about my thoughts on sex in regards to spirituality, thinking about Lara, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This is even less coherent than most of my entries. I guess I might as well just use it to speak whatever pops in my mind... well... like I have been so far.
Eh, I can't handle all this self-loathing. I give up for now.
I'm depressed right now, for a variety of reasons.
I can't write. I'm trying to write an essay for my class. I'm trying to figure out a way to make the essay meaningful to me, in the hopes that it will make the essay come easier. But it's not working. It's a stupid essay and I don't want to write it.
I've started the essay several times. I have two sentences right now. I'm gonna end up throwing them out.
I used to be able to write. In high school I could write a solid essay in 2 hours. Now I can't write shit. Each time I sit down to do so, it's a complete battle.
This seems to be my life.
I can distract myself with instant gratification provided by books and movies and video games and pornography. Mindlessness.
In Tonglen practice, you're supposed to find compassion for others by having compassion for yourself, and you're supposed to have compassion for yourself by having compassion for others. This makes perfect sense to me. It echos "Love Thy Neighbor as You Love Thyself."
It's that equation I've talked about before. If you love yourself too much and don't have love for others, you eventually become unhappy. If you love everyone else but don't love yourself, you eventually burn out. If you maintain a balance between these two, they grow together.
I don't know how to love myself, because I don't fucking know who I am.
In Tonglen, we're taught that the part of you that you're trying to protect is who you are. The part that is tender when people poke it, is who you are. I don't know what I'm trying to protect, and everything always hurts constantly.
So where in that do I find who I am?
I did some soul-searching a while ago, and came up with an abundance of soul and a scarcity of dharma, so I figured I had been given the opportunity to make one up. To start with my own clean canvas. So I said priest, because I want to be one. I thought then that once I had decided on this life path, that things would then move forward accordingly.
I should be energized by my soul, by my true nature, poking through.
Instead I still constantly feel like I'm trying to fight my way through a mattress.
I've tried praying to God for energy, for some way through this, and it never comes. I've tried drinking and energy drinks and eating fruit, and nothing ever comes.
Instead I'm floundering around at the age of 26, repeating all the same mistakes, all the same patterns I've made my entire life, fully aware that they're the same patterns, but completely incapable of seeing the lessons I should be learning, other than "you shouldn't do that."
I should have been writing my essay all day, and I've been thinking about it constantly, struggling to come up with something tangible to write. Even a line to start with or a line to write towards. Instead I've been playing a stupid boat game on my phone, watching Star Wars, thinking about my thoughts on sex in regards to spirituality, thinking about Lara, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This is even less coherent than most of my entries. I guess I might as well just use it to speak whatever pops in my mind... well... like I have been so far.
Eh, I can't handle all this self-loathing. I give up for now.