(no subject)
So instead of falling asleep, I started watching the show, Californication, on Netflix.
Excellent show.
But it's about a writer.
And now I'm awake again.
So I shall endeavor to continue to write, until I run out of steam.
I had a point I was going to make earlier, but now it seems less important.
I should write more than one sentence at a time.
Patterns I notice about my writing that distract. Oh well.
Lara seems to have ceased talking to me again. I've tried over the past few days to say "hello" but apparently that is not good enough. My best guess right now is that she's waiting for an apology or perhaps just expecting "futile effort."
Not gonna happen.
I dislike mentioning people by name in this journal, or any of my other writing, because it seems unfair. It's like having a conversation with them, but not giving them the opportunity to talk back. Cheap.
But Lara does it all the time to me, so I shall continue.
As near as I can tell, she's upset with me for two reasons, both related, in her head, to me not "keeping my promises," which has been her theme as of late.
Here's what happened according to the narrative in my head, as well as my interpretation of text messages that were exchanged.
Lara found an image and corresponding web page that she knew her ex boyfriend would like. They are not remotely on speaking terms, but she was desperate for him to see this web page for reasons that I can only speculate upon, but are likely beyond my understanding. So instead of e-mailing it to him herself, and violating their non-speaking agreement, she decided to ask me to send it to him. As per usual, I have difficulty with my own boundaries with regards to her, and just have a general problem with saying "no," so I agreed to do so. I don't think I ever actually gave my word, but she took it as such, and I didn't correct her, so I was obligated to do so. I sent him a message on facebook, and then as far as I was concerned, my job was done. In the text message conversation in which I agreed to send the message for her, she went on about how I was supposed to make sure he saw it and ask him about it and etc. none of which I agreed to, but all of which she assumed I would follow through on. At this point, I imagine Lara's thinking "well duh, stupid." And anyone else who has read this far is thinking "Oh Daniel..." Needless to say, I have not, and will not harass someone who clearly has no interest in talking to me, into viewing an image and then reporting back his impression, so I can then report that back to Lara. I have no idea what the actual correct action to take in this matter is.
Offense the second. I agreed, a week or so ago, to take care of her roommate's dog for a few hours while she was doing house-work and he was out of town on vacation. I then learned that she had ulterior motives in me coming over to watch the dog, but I promised I wouldn't discuss exactly what the motives were, so we'll leave it at that. Still I'd say I would take care of the dog, and I do try at least to follow through on my commitments. Then, Friday, I got a text early in the morning from Lara, asking me to take care of the dog for the weekend because she was going to drive up to Canada to kill/maim/hurt or whatever said bothersome ex because he had failed to call her on her birthday, and then when I said I would not take care of the dog, she said I had promised to do so. I pointed out that I had agreed to take care of the dog for a few hours, which did not translate to two days. The truth is if she had a good reason for me to take care of the dog for the weekend, I probably would have. But driving up to be crazy to her ex was not a good reason, and refusing to take care of the dog was pretty much my way of forcing her to stay in the country.
Oh Daniel, indeed.
I've now made several attempts through various media to contact her, none of which have proved sufficient. I imagine she expects groveling.
She keeps saying she wants me to be closer and more open with her. To be her best friend. I want to. I really do. But I can't when she gets angry and storms off for days or weeks at a time. Then gets mad at me for not chasing after her. I can't do it. But I keep trying.
I saw her almost every day this past week. It was nice. I enjoy hanging out with her, despite the mountain of tension that's always there whenever we do. Each time we do spend time with her, it's weighed down by the tension and frustration of all the times we don't, and I keep feeling like if she'd just stick to it a little longer, if she's let the weight ease up a little, we could move past it and normalize somehow. But it doesn't happen.
At this point, if she's read through this far, she'd probably come to the conclusion that I'm an arrogant and selfish bastard, and that she's seen all the evidence she needs to prove that I hate her and don't care about her.
I'm probably wrong about everything. Completely wrong. Somehow I always am.
There are massive pauses in writing between each line now. Each break in this represents a large amount of sitting, staring at the screen, or flipping through iTunes to find the right song. Currently it's a song from the Defying Gravity soundtrack, which was something I pieced together by scouring the internet for Lara's Christmas present last year. It really doesn't seem like it was almost a year when I was working on it. All of these still seem like new songs on my computer. There are many Bill Evans songs on this computer, which I like and find annoying at the same time. When the mood suits, Bill Evans is still perfect. When I want singing, there's too much goddamn Bill Evans.
Abby is reliable (now she is at least... not so much at the start) and goes along with pretty much everything and likes sleeping over. She likes being with me and touches me. She is almost everything that Lara is not. Which is unfortunate for her, if she really is a rebound girlfriend.
A rebound from a relationship that never happened. A lost love. Sad.
I hope she isn't. She deserves more. How much is it me wanting to be the one who provides that for her. I think I can prove to her that she can trust people. That she can count on someone. That she deserves love and adoration. How much if that desire is just my own ego. My own save-the-world knight-and-shining-armor complex still kicking around there?
Probably a lot.
But I do like her. I tell her all the time. I'm really quite disgusting about it. I don't think she trusts it.
She is currently ill and was enslaved until late at work tonight, and must be in school early in the morning tomorrow, so she is not here right now, and I am not there. There's a big (okay, a small) Abby-shaped hole in my world right now. (It's small because she's incredibly short, not because I don't care that much. Yes, I enjoy making fun of her for being short so much that I'm even doing so in a place she'll hopefully never read it.)
I don't think I miss people right. I think I've done too many long-distance relationships in my life, and spent too long alone, that I want desperately for her to be here, but there's the inner retard voice (thanks Titus) in my head that's telling me that this is normal and I shouldn't expect anything else. I think something's distorted in that.
I spent an awful lot of time with Lara this week. When I first start hanging out with her, a lot of it's faith. Everything feels kind of stiff, and I just have faith that it'll be better. When I touch her, it isn't all the way there. It's like what I imagine comforting someone as a priest would be like. You're trying your hardest to be there, to connect, to have a compassionate heart, but there's still a lack of familiarity to the whole thing. Then my faith proves fruitful. She starts to feel like she's mine again.
Though I guess she never was. That was all just hope.
Walking on a fine line made of fragile heart strings.
Then she's gone.
What am I to do.
I haven't written anything I felt proud of in a long time. Maybe ever. I should like to do so. To know what it's like. To feel like I made something entertaining and valuable.
Excellent show.
But it's about a writer.
And now I'm awake again.
So I shall endeavor to continue to write, until I run out of steam.
I had a point I was going to make earlier, but now it seems less important.
I should write more than one sentence at a time.
Patterns I notice about my writing that distract. Oh well.
Lara seems to have ceased talking to me again. I've tried over the past few days to say "hello" but apparently that is not good enough. My best guess right now is that she's waiting for an apology or perhaps just expecting "futile effort."
Not gonna happen.
I dislike mentioning people by name in this journal, or any of my other writing, because it seems unfair. It's like having a conversation with them, but not giving them the opportunity to talk back. Cheap.
But Lara does it all the time to me, so I shall continue.
As near as I can tell, she's upset with me for two reasons, both related, in her head, to me not "keeping my promises," which has been her theme as of late.
Here's what happened according to the narrative in my head, as well as my interpretation of text messages that were exchanged.
Lara found an image and corresponding web page that she knew her ex boyfriend would like. They are not remotely on speaking terms, but she was desperate for him to see this web page for reasons that I can only speculate upon, but are likely beyond my understanding. So instead of e-mailing it to him herself, and violating their non-speaking agreement, she decided to ask me to send it to him. As per usual, I have difficulty with my own boundaries with regards to her, and just have a general problem with saying "no," so I agreed to do so. I don't think I ever actually gave my word, but she took it as such, and I didn't correct her, so I was obligated to do so. I sent him a message on facebook, and then as far as I was concerned, my job was done. In the text message conversation in which I agreed to send the message for her, she went on about how I was supposed to make sure he saw it and ask him about it and etc. none of which I agreed to, but all of which she assumed I would follow through on. At this point, I imagine Lara's thinking "well duh, stupid." And anyone else who has read this far is thinking "Oh Daniel..." Needless to say, I have not, and will not harass someone who clearly has no interest in talking to me, into viewing an image and then reporting back his impression, so I can then report that back to Lara. I have no idea what the actual correct action to take in this matter is.
Offense the second. I agreed, a week or so ago, to take care of her roommate's dog for a few hours while she was doing house-work and he was out of town on vacation. I then learned that she had ulterior motives in me coming over to watch the dog, but I promised I wouldn't discuss exactly what the motives were, so we'll leave it at that. Still I'd say I would take care of the dog, and I do try at least to follow through on my commitments. Then, Friday, I got a text early in the morning from Lara, asking me to take care of the dog for the weekend because she was going to drive up to Canada to kill/maim/hurt or whatever said bothersome ex because he had failed to call her on her birthday, and then when I said I would not take care of the dog, she said I had promised to do so. I pointed out that I had agreed to take care of the dog for a few hours, which did not translate to two days. The truth is if she had a good reason for me to take care of the dog for the weekend, I probably would have. But driving up to be crazy to her ex was not a good reason, and refusing to take care of the dog was pretty much my way of forcing her to stay in the country.
Oh Daniel, indeed.
I've now made several attempts through various media to contact her, none of which have proved sufficient. I imagine she expects groveling.
She keeps saying she wants me to be closer and more open with her. To be her best friend. I want to. I really do. But I can't when she gets angry and storms off for days or weeks at a time. Then gets mad at me for not chasing after her. I can't do it. But I keep trying.
I saw her almost every day this past week. It was nice. I enjoy hanging out with her, despite the mountain of tension that's always there whenever we do. Each time we do spend time with her, it's weighed down by the tension and frustration of all the times we don't, and I keep feeling like if she'd just stick to it a little longer, if she's let the weight ease up a little, we could move past it and normalize somehow. But it doesn't happen.
At this point, if she's read through this far, she'd probably come to the conclusion that I'm an arrogant and selfish bastard, and that she's seen all the evidence she needs to prove that I hate her and don't care about her.
I'm probably wrong about everything. Completely wrong. Somehow I always am.
There are massive pauses in writing between each line now. Each break in this represents a large amount of sitting, staring at the screen, or flipping through iTunes to find the right song. Currently it's a song from the Defying Gravity soundtrack, which was something I pieced together by scouring the internet for Lara's Christmas present last year. It really doesn't seem like it was almost a year when I was working on it. All of these still seem like new songs on my computer. There are many Bill Evans songs on this computer, which I like and find annoying at the same time. When the mood suits, Bill Evans is still perfect. When I want singing, there's too much goddamn Bill Evans.
Abby is reliable (now she is at least... not so much at the start) and goes along with pretty much everything and likes sleeping over. She likes being with me and touches me. She is almost everything that Lara is not. Which is unfortunate for her, if she really is a rebound girlfriend.
A rebound from a relationship that never happened. A lost love. Sad.
I hope she isn't. She deserves more. How much is it me wanting to be the one who provides that for her. I think I can prove to her that she can trust people. That she can count on someone. That she deserves love and adoration. How much if that desire is just my own ego. My own save-the-world knight-and-shining-armor complex still kicking around there?
Probably a lot.
But I do like her. I tell her all the time. I'm really quite disgusting about it. I don't think she trusts it.
She is currently ill and was enslaved until late at work tonight, and must be in school early in the morning tomorrow, so she is not here right now, and I am not there. There's a big (okay, a small) Abby-shaped hole in my world right now. (It's small because she's incredibly short, not because I don't care that much. Yes, I enjoy making fun of her for being short so much that I'm even doing so in a place she'll hopefully never read it.)
I don't think I miss people right. I think I've done too many long-distance relationships in my life, and spent too long alone, that I want desperately for her to be here, but there's the inner retard voice (thanks Titus) in my head that's telling me that this is normal and I shouldn't expect anything else. I think something's distorted in that.
I spent an awful lot of time with Lara this week. When I first start hanging out with her, a lot of it's faith. Everything feels kind of stiff, and I just have faith that it'll be better. When I touch her, it isn't all the way there. It's like what I imagine comforting someone as a priest would be like. You're trying your hardest to be there, to connect, to have a compassionate heart, but there's still a lack of familiarity to the whole thing. Then my faith proves fruitful. She starts to feel like she's mine again.
Though I guess she never was. That was all just hope.
Walking on a fine line made of fragile heart strings.
Then she's gone.
What am I to do.
I haven't written anything I felt proud of in a long time. Maybe ever. I should like to do so. To know what it's like. To feel like I made something entertaining and valuable.