So... advice.
There's been... a lot of stuff lately. Lots of little stuff adding up to making Danii a giant mess of twitch. I've had moodswings, antisocialswings (where I just... don't want to deal with ANYONE or like... a small cadre of people who are well aware that I'm going to be insane for a bit and they know and they don't care), and complete failure of creativity on more than one occasion.
Thing is, I'm an RPer. And RP is, at it's heart, cooperative. I've put up sort of 'sorry I'm so absent' messages (one which, for reasons I'll get back to) I haven't even gone back to to thank everyone who's expressed sympathy or given me hugs or anything that I really want to do because people are awesome and wonderful and I really really really appreciate it. But I just...
I can't. And this is feeling, in this one particular portion of my life especially, like my final semester at college where I just had absolutely no focus for anything and would stare at blank pages where my senior paper should be. The one where I was hiding in my room, avoiding my friends, where I didn't check my phone messages because there'd be guilt at the phonecalls I'd avoided and I Couldn't Deal With It. I'm not going to go into it too far because, well, one, it's embarrassing and two, it's kind of something I don't want to think about too much. But I feel like that. I feel like it's twisted in my head that I was kind of glad for internet outtages and stuff to do because of the storm this weekend because that meant there was Good Reason for me to hole up and be totally antisocial.
I can't even check my RP email address. I look at the growing number there and all I can think is the number of things I need to get to and the stuff I should have posted to and the people who I've made a commitment to and I click Anything Else. But RP is cooperative. But I'm physically afraid of checking my email which, dude, if you think it feels silly to hear, imagine writing it. I feel like a total pansy, especially considering some of the things friends/people I know/people I care about are going through right now.
But RP is my hobby. It should not add to my anxiety.
But RP is cooperative, which means 1. that I shouldn't be a part if I can't keep up with my commitments but also 2. I'll leave a huge hole in things if I put things down for a bit.
So I'm in this really unfortunate place where the codependency issues are kicking up like wild and my whole 'trying to get over the codependency issues' are raring up going 'YOU HAVE TO FIX YOURSELF FIRST' and then this fun part where I'm terrified that everyone is going to be mad at me and the realistic part that knows they won't be (well, somewhat annoyed and frustrated but not MAD, hopefully) and then the part that misses playing because it IS fun and wonderful and I enjoy it and everyone I play with but I CAN'T and that's maddening on its own, that I can't even do my own fricking hobby. ASIDE from expectations, there's that.
But I guess what I'm getting down to is that I need advice. From friends, from people I play with, from whoever wants to chime in. I don't know what to do. There's a vague plan to see if the vacation next week cools my brain off enough to get my head together, but that's about all I've got.
Entry unlocked so anyone who wants can read and tag.
Thing is, I'm an RPer. And RP is, at it's heart, cooperative. I've put up sort of 'sorry I'm so absent' messages (one which, for reasons I'll get back to) I haven't even gone back to to thank everyone who's expressed sympathy or given me hugs or anything that I really want to do because people are awesome and wonderful and I really really really appreciate it. But I just...
I can't. And this is feeling, in this one particular portion of my life especially, like my final semester at college where I just had absolutely no focus for anything and would stare at blank pages where my senior paper should be. The one where I was hiding in my room, avoiding my friends, where I didn't check my phone messages because there'd be guilt at the phonecalls I'd avoided and I Couldn't Deal With It. I'm not going to go into it too far because, well, one, it's embarrassing and two, it's kind of something I don't want to think about too much. But I feel like that. I feel like it's twisted in my head that I was kind of glad for internet outtages and stuff to do because of the storm this weekend because that meant there was Good Reason for me to hole up and be totally antisocial.
I can't even check my RP email address. I look at the growing number there and all I can think is the number of things I need to get to and the stuff I should have posted to and the people who I've made a commitment to and I click Anything Else. But RP is cooperative. But I'm physically afraid of checking my email which, dude, if you think it feels silly to hear, imagine writing it. I feel like a total pansy, especially considering some of the things friends/people I know/people I care about are going through right now.
But RP is my hobby. It should not add to my anxiety.
But RP is cooperative, which means 1. that I shouldn't be a part if I can't keep up with my commitments but also 2. I'll leave a huge hole in things if I put things down for a bit.
So I'm in this really unfortunate place where the codependency issues are kicking up like wild and my whole 'trying to get over the codependency issues' are raring up going 'YOU HAVE TO FIX YOURSELF FIRST' and then this fun part where I'm terrified that everyone is going to be mad at me and the realistic part that knows they won't be (well, somewhat annoyed and frustrated but not MAD, hopefully) and then the part that misses playing because it IS fun and wonderful and I enjoy it and everyone I play with but I CAN'T and that's maddening on its own, that I can't even do my own fricking hobby. ASIDE from expectations, there's that.
But I guess what I'm getting down to is that I need advice. From friends, from people I play with, from whoever wants to chime in. I don't know what to do. There's a vague plan to see if the vacation next week cools my brain off enough to get my head together, but that's about all I've got.
Entry unlocked so anyone who wants can read and tag.