Amends Part 1/2

[daniomalley22]

Title: Amends
Fandom: CWRPS
Pairing: J2
Word Count: 18K
Warning: Bullying, homophobia.
Summary: Jensen's pretty happy with his life. He likes his job and he doesn't have to deal with people he doesn't like. Sure, his friends (okay, his one friend) and family seem to worry that Jensen must be lonely, but he's really fine. Really.

Everything changes when Jensen's mom signs him up for a make over on a reality TV show hosted by his childhood friend Jared, not knowing that Jared is also the one that made his life miserable as a teenager. But Jensen's over all that now, and it's only one week, anyway. He'll be fine.

And if he tells himself enough times, it will become true.

Author's notes: Thanks to birddi for her fantastic art, which was such a wonderful inspiration. Thanks also to sylvia_locust for betaing this, being endlessly patient with me and holding my hand through this whole thing. You are a star! Thanks finally to the mods for running this challenge and making it such a fun experience.
Written for spn-reversebang. Using this to fill the 'atonement' square on my hc_bingo card.
Also posted to dreamwidth here
Thanks to the awesome deadflowers5, a PDF is now available.

Usually, Jensen tried to avoid watching The Ugly Duckling, but every so often, morbid curiosity won over and he found himself tuning in for a few minutes. One night when he was feeling particularly spiteful and morose, he flicked the channel over just as Jared Padalecki was listening to one of that week's victims share a story about being dumped by a boyfriend because she wouldn't go on a diet more restrictive than Atkins. Jensen sneered as Jared struggled to arrange his ridiculously perfect features into a passable facsimile of concern and patted the woman on the arm with one hand.

"I'm so sorry that that happened to you, Chelsea," he crooned. "If you only take one thing away from this experience, I hope it's knowing that you are a beautiful and worthwhile person, and that you deserve to be around other people who recognise that."

"Pfffft," Jensen scoffed in his seat. "If he really knew anything about self-worth, he wouldn't be selling his for a reality TV contract."

Danneel nodded sagely from her armchair, well used to this routine of Jensen's after years of friendship. "Dignity just doesn't fetch what it used to."

On the screen Jared and the show's stylist were going through another participant’s wardrobe and dividing the contents into piles to keep, donate and throw away. The 'keep' pile consisted of two pairs of pants and a single tie.

"Wouldn't it be hilarious if one of these people told him to fuck off with his trendy clothes and refused to throw their stuff away?" Jensen asked. Danneel hummed noncommittally, which was a signal she was about to suggest changing the channel.

"And then maybe they could punch him in the face. All the stylists and contestants could point and laugh," Jensen continued wistfully.

"Okay, I think that's enough for tonight," Danneel said. "Where's the remote? We’ve got cable; one of these channels has to be showing reruns ofThe Big Bang Theory."

On the TV, The Ugly Duckling went to a commercial break, and an ad came on asking for potential contestants to send their applications in for a chance to receive a life changing makeover. Jensen grimaced and grabbed the remote, glad that he wasn't one of the poor saps who thought their life could be fixed by a cheap haircut and some skinny jeans. He put Jared out of his mind for the rest of the evening, busy laughing at Sheldon's attempts to learn to drive.

**********************

Things didn't go to hell until a week later. Jensen went to work and came home again. He spent his evenings playing computer games and watching TV with Danneel. On Friday night he accepted an invitation to have dinner at his parents' home, and made a chocolate pudding to bring for dessert.

Donna had made a chicken lasagne, which was one of Jensen's favourite foods ever, and he found it easy to talk to his parents as he always did. He was thinking that a dinner at home with them had been a really nice idea when Donna dropped her bombshell.

"Jensen," she said, "I've done something, and I don't want you to get all worked up about it."

Of course, the first thing Jensen did after hearing those words was start to get worked up. What had his mother done? It sounded sort of ominous. She must be worried that he wasn't going to take it well, if she felt the need to preface it with a disclaimer like that. So when she continued, Jensen was already predisposed to react badly.

"I'm sure you know that show they have on TTL, The Ugly Duckling," she began.

"Oh, God," Jensen groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Now, don't be like that, darling. Of course," she continued, leaning forward and putting a hand on Jensen's arm. "You know that your father and I don't think you're an ugly duckling. Far from it; you're a very handsome young man. But darling, I just wish that you'd let the rest of the world see that now and then. You go to work, and the rest of the time, you hide yourself away in your apartment, and you don't give anyone a chance to get to know you."

"I like it that way!" Jensen protested. "I don't want to get to know other people! Other people suck!"

"Sweetie, I know you don't mean that. You've got a lot to offer the world, and what you deserve is to have people around you who appreciate that."

Jensen groaned and fought back the urge to vomit. "Please stop quoting Jared Padalecki at me."

"Honestly, Jensen, I don't know what happened between you two. You used to be such good friends. And besides, I think maybe you could learn a thing or two by listening to him."

"I doubt that very much," Jensen said. "Does he know how to repair a broken modem using only scotch tape? I don't think so. Does he know how to design a CPU that runs twice as fast but only takes up half the space? No. No he does not. There is not a thing Jared Padalecki knows that I want to learn."

Donna looked at him, her eyes sad while her mouth turned down in an expression of extreme disappointment. Jensen sighed. She was going to bring out the big guns, he knew it, and he was going to give in.

"Please don't be angry at me, Jensen," she said softly. "Sometimes, I think about you and how lonely you must be, and it just makes me feel terrible. I worry about you, you know. Your father and I won't be here forever, and I'd just like to know that when that time comes, you'll have other people around who you can lean on. Not just Danneel. I love her like a daughter, but you can't expect her to keep being your entire social life. I just want you to try putting yourself out there a bit more."

"Why didn't you just sign me up for a dating website, then?" Jensen asked desperately, because even going on the blind date from hell would be better than this.

"I considered it, but those places are full of such strange people. One of those websites had a form where you could fill out your favourite sexual positions." Donna's face screwed up with distaste, and Jensen wondered how much he'd have to drink to permanently wipe this entire conversation from his memory. "And Jared's always been such a nice boy, so I'm sure his little TV show will help you so much."

Jensen felt his resolve crumble and cursed himself for not being more of a heartless bastard. The problem with Donna was that she really did mean well, and she believed everything she was saying. Jensen was sure she lay awake at night fretting over his terminal bachelorhood and worrying that once she and Alan were no longer capable of nagging him into engaging occasionally with the outside world, he'd hide in his home until archaeologists found his fossilised corpse millennia later. He usually didn't have much trouble telling people to go to hell, but it was different with his parents, who had always supported him. Like he always did, he found himself wanting to avoid hurting them in any way.

Which was how he ended up agreeing to a TV makeover.

****************

At the start of third grade, Jensen's teacher had them studying dinosaurs, which was interesting and all, but seriously hindered Jensen's ambitions to one day be a rocket scientist. He'd pointed this out to Mrs. Johnson, but she hadn't really cared. Jensen had a lot of trouble getting people to appreciate his life goals.

So during class time Jensen would finish his work as quickly as he could to free up time to daydream about planets and spaceships. He got by with his schoolwork on the minimum amount of effort possible. That sort of thing might be alright for his classmates, who were going to be palaeontologists or firemen or whatever, but he already knew what he was going to do with his life. One such day, he'd finished drawing a stegosaurus and was adding a spaceship in the background.

"I'm not sure there would have been a spaceship there, Jensen," his teacher suggested, but Jensen was ready for this.

"It's aliens. They're looking for intelligent life, but there’s only dinosaurs, so they go away. They’ll come back in a few million years."

After that, Mrs Johnson wandered off, and Jensen happily continued his drawing. Around the classroom, other students with less lofty ambitions were colouring their dinosaurs with biologically unlikely colour combinations and illustrating gruesome battles between carnivores and herbivores. Looking around, Jensen spotted one kid who had drawn a Tyrannosaurus Rex which had picked up a person and was trying to eat him, except that his arms were too short to put the human in his mouth. A thought bubble over its head read ‘Sooo... hungry...’ Jensen giggled and the other kid looked over at him and smiled. Jensen blinked.

The other kid was named Jared. Jensen knew that because Mrs Johnson had made them play all these 'getting to know you' games in the first week of school. It hadn't helped all that much; he still wasn't really friendly with any of his classmates. The kids he'd really got along with from the year before had wound up in other classes, and Jared was someone new. Jensen didn't usually like new people, but now he thought Jared might be someone he'd like to get to know.

Rather than finishing his spaceship, Jensen used the remaining class time to contemplate the best strategy for making a friend. It was a little awkward. Jared wasn't sitting close enough for Jensen to whisper to him, and he'd get in trouble if he talked too loud. If he waited for recess, Jared might go out of the room before Jensen could talk to him and their tentative bond would be broken before it was realised. He could approach Mrs Johnson for a special exemption to the no-talking rule due to extenuating and time-sensitive circumstances, but he doubted that would work. Adults very rarely seemed to understand the importance of such matters.

Having dismissed all these options, Jensen took a blank page from the back of his workbook and started drafting a letter. He tried to remember what he'd learned about making friends. Give a compliment, share a little about himself, show that they had something in common. He thought for a minute or two and eventually wrote,

'Dear Jared P.
'I really like you alot. You're funny and nice. I hope to be your friend. I like rockets. And icecream. Vanilla is my favorite. You have a shirt with a rocket on it. Do you want to be a astronaut?
'From: Jensen A.
'If you want to be friends circle yes or no.
'Yes No'

Jensen folded up the note and glanced around the room to determine the whereabouts of Mrs Johnson. Being caught passing a note was far more serious than getting in trouble for talking, and Jensen wasn't going to let anything interfere with his awesome plan. He waited until Benny in the back row asked for help with his work, knowing that the teacher would be helping him for some time. He hefted the note cautiously in his hand, waited for just the right moment, and launched it into the air. It went up in a gentle curve, sailing across the aisle towards Jared's desk. He was sure it was just about to land perfectly when the bell rang. Twenty-eight children stood up together and raced for the door, and in the excitement Jensen never managed to see if Jared had caught the note or not. He looked over at Jared's desk, but it wasn't there. It wasn't on the floor nearby, either, so Jared probably had it. But he wasn't here anymore.

Jensen went to recess feeling dejected. He had cupcakes, which were normally his favourite, but he didn't even feel like eating. His mood didn't improve until the bell went and he trudged back into class.

A folded square of paper was sitting on his desk. It was his note, and someone had taken a red pen and circled the word 'yes'.

***************

Donna's guilt trip was very effective, so when TTL called Jensen, he co-operated, giving his details and agreeing to participate in filming. He was committing to one week of filming, scheduled to fit around his work commitments but expected to require around twenty hours of his time. That amount of time seemed ridiculous to Jensen; he would only appear in one week's worth of episodes, after all, and each week Jared 'made over' three people. If the time was averaged out between the three of them, for all five of a week's episodes, Jensen wouldn't even appear on TV for a full hour. But apparently, that was how things worked in TV.

Once he thought about it, Jensen decided he could cope. Twenty hours. That was less than a day. And it wasn't like Jared could do anything awful to him in front of the cameras.

If only he could convince himself that was true.

When they'd said twenty hours of filming, Jensen hadn't realised how much other stuff was going to be involved. A camera crew arrived in a van before Jensen was even home from work; Danneel had to let them in. They wandered all over the apartment setting up cameras and extra lights, because apparently the lights they already had didn't cut it. Jensen looked on as this continued, feeling bemused. He backed away from the chaos, reaching the front hallway, and there Jared ambushed him.

"Hi, Jensen," he said, sounding friendly enough. Jensen was startled. He'd been hoping that he'd see Jared coming; hadn't been too keen on the idea of Jared sneaking up on him unawares.

"Hey," he said neutrally. Jared looked good, Jensen supposed. Well, he looked just like he did on TV, but somehow even better. Jensen felt irrationally resentful. He'd been hoping that there might be some flaw, some blemish that he could focus on when Jared started dissecting his appearance, but there wasn't.

"Um." Jared hesitated, seeming lost for words. It was ridiculous, Jensen thought. There was no reason Jared should have trouble coming up with something to say. What did he have to be nervous about?

"I'm really glad that you applied to be on the show," Jared said, speaking quickly. From the living room, one of the camera crew called out to Jared and he shouted back, "Yeah, just a minute Dave!" He looked back to Jensen. "Um," he said again. "Yeah. I'm just... it's nice to get the chance to see you again."

"Yeah," Jensen said, sneering a little. He wished he could make himself say something like, "Too bad it's not mutual," but it was a lot harder to say that sort of thing when the person was standing right there.

"Listen, I wanted to say something, before we started," Jared added. "I wanted to say... I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for being so horrible to you, when we were in school. I shouldn’t have... done any of that. I owe you an apology. So, I'm sorry."

"Oh," said Jensen, for lack of a better response. That was not what he'd expected Jared to say. He'd daydreamed about Jared saying or making some big apologetic gesture, but figured he was more likely to either pretend they'd never met before, or go back to treating Jensen like something he'd scraped off his shoe. Just like he'd done when they were younger.

"I just didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, while we were filming," Jared added. "To get the most out of the show, you've got to let go and let yourself experience it." Jared had slipped back into his TV host voice a little, drawing out and emphasising some of the words in a way he probably thought sounded deep. Jensen tried to mentally distance himself from Jared a little. This public persona Jared had was completely foreign to him.

"Come on," Jared said. "They're ready for us in your kitchen. We'll go in and I'll do an interview. In the first episode, we introduce everyone and get a bit of a biography on each of you. So I'll get you to tell a bit about yourself, what you like, what you do. Anything that you really want to change - you know, things you’d like to work on while you’re on the show. And then, usually, we do a bit of hairstyling." As he talked, Jared had led them to the kitchen and invited Jensen to seat himself in one of his own chairs. Jensen sat down and his gaze was immediately drawn to the camera which was positioned a few feet away.

"Don't look at the camera," Jared said. "Just pretend it's not there."

"Sure," Jensen said. "Piece of cake." His voice was heavy with sarcasm and Jared laughed.

"We're rolling," said the cameraman, the one named Dave.

"Okay," said Jared briskly. "Jensen, I'd like you to introduce yourself - just say your name, how old you are, and what you do for a living. Something like that."

"Right," said Jensen uncertainly. "Uh, my name is Jensen Ackles. I'm twenty-eight, and I'm a computer hardware designer."

"Good," said Jared. "But let's run that again, okay? Give your first name only, not your last."

In total, Jensen had to introduce himself six times before Jared was happy. If the whole thing went like this, no wonder it took them twenty hours to get enough footage. So much for ‘reality’ TV. But once the introduction was sorted out, Jared jumped straight in with some questions, and things picked up.

He asked about why Jensen had chosen to apply for The Ugly Duckling, and Jensen explained the story about his mother, although he was careful not to say what he really thought about it all. Jared continued that topic for a while, asking questions about Jensen's family. It was weird to answer them, to tell Jared things about his family that Jensen knew he already knew, but Jensen was trying pretty hard to ignore the weirdness of the entire experience, so he didn't dwell on it.

Jared asked about his job, and Jensen talked about designing computer parts.

"Do you take a lot of pride in what you do?" Jared asked.

Jensen answered immediately, "Yeah!" because if he didn't feel that way about his job, he wouldn't be doing it. "In April, I helped design a more efficient naturally cooling aspirated system," he said eagerly, because that was one of his proudest moments.

"Oh," said Jared, looking confused. "That's, um... that's really awesome." He stopped and shook his head. "Sorry Dave," he said. "Keep rolling... Wow!" he said, now looking back at Jensen and suddenly looking far more animated. "What an accomplishment!"

"It was," Jensen agreed, feeling defensive. Non-computer techs didn't get it. They didn't understand the difference effective cooling made to computer performance and they had no understanding of how much time and work it had taken to achieve. That particular project had earned Jensen a 4% pay raise and moved him from his cubicle to an actual office with a door which closed. But all someone like Jared would understand was that it hadn't had anything to do with facebook or porn.

"It sounds like you've got a lot of very specialised knowledge," Jared continued smoothly. "Are you very picky about the sort of computers you use at home? Do you modify them yourself?"

Slightly mollified, Jensen talked a little bit about some of the ways he'd upgraded his home computer, making sure to dumb it down for the audience - and Jared. He looked suitably impressed for a short while, but after a few minutes his eyes started to glaze over and Jensen trailed off.

"And what do you do when you're not working?" was Jared's next question. Jensen was reluctant to disclose his enjoyment of World of Warcraft or building model spaceships. He wasn't ashamed of liking that stuff, but he didn't want Jared and his assistants to see that as another of his flaws to be fixed. Instead he talked about his favourite books, mostly hard sci-fi.

Next, Jared asked him about his social life, and Jensen felt himself clamming up. Jared glanced at the camera and then back again, saying, "You can tell us as much or as little as you like. Just something that gives an idea of what types of friendships you have, what you like doing socially. You don't have to tell everything."

"Danneel is my best friend, she has been for a long time," Jensen said, trying to keep his words free of emphasis. Before Danneel, he'd had Jared. He knew the remark wouldn't go unnoticed by Jared, but he didn't care. "She's a great friend, the best I could hope for," he added. Jared shifted a little in his seat, but Jensen realised that if he didn't know him, he'd never have noticed how uncomfortable Jared was. "I don't really know a whole lot of other people," he admitted softly. "There's the people I work with, and some friends of my brother's and sister's. I'm not very close to any of them. Sometimes it's hard for me to get along with other people," he added. It felt strange to speak so honestly in front of Jared. When he'd agreed to the show, Jensen had had fantasies of showing off his wonderful life and making Jared jealous. That hadn't happened, but on the other hand Jensen couldn’t deny that he was enjoying making Jared feel guilty.

Jared paused for some time, and Jensen was sure it was because he'd figured out the next logical question and didn't want to ask it. "Why do you suppose that is?" he asked finally.

"I had a rough time as a kid," Jensen said, the words coming so easily he was shocked. "Other kids my age didn't really get me. They picked on me. I guess I could be a pretty annoying kid," he added thoughtfully, then shook his head. He wasn't going to sit here and justify the way he'd been treated. "It kind of fucked with my head, actually." He stopped after the curse, looking over to Jared to see if that was something he shouldn't say. Jared didn't react, however, so he went on. "I don't trust people as easily as I used to."

Jared hesitated again, uncomfortably long, and at last he said, “Has that affected your romantic relationships?”

Jensen grimaced. He didn’t want to talk about this. “I suppose so,” he said grudgingly. “It’s not like I meet a lot of people, so no, I don’t date much.”

“Is that something you’d like to change? Find more opportunities to meet gu... uh, girls?”

“I’m gay,” Jensen said through gritted teeth, hating Jared for pretending he didn’t know that already.

“Oh,” said Jared. “Well, that’s fine. So am I.”

“I know.” The hypocritical dickbag. “I’ve seen you on TV.”

“Oh.” Jared looked surprised, like the idea that Jensen might watch him on TV had never crossed his mind. He gave his head a slight shake and moved on. "What is it you'd like to get from being on The Ugly Duckling?"

Jensen was stumped. He hadn't thought about the whole situation as anything other than something he had to survive. "Uh, well..." he said, stalling for time, "I guess..." Crap, he just had to make something up, whether he meant it or not. "I'd like to learn something new... none of this stuff really comes naturally to me." He tried to think of something to add, but Jared seemed satisfied with that.

"That's great, Jensen," he said. "I think we've got enough for the interview. Jensen, I'm going to introduce you to our hairstylist, Katie."

One of the people who had been hovering around and dashing back and forth doing... Jensen wasn’t sure what, exactly, stepped forward and held out one hand. She was a very pretty young woman with long blonde hair; standing next to her made Jensen feel like an oaf.

"Come into the living room with me, Jensen, and we'll talk about what we might do with your hair. Have you ever considered bleaching it?"

"No!" Jensen exclaimed, horrified.

"Hmmm," said Katie thoughtfully, her eyes fixed on Jensen's hair rather than his face.

"While you two do that, I'm going to have a short interview with Danneel, if she doesn't mind," said Jared.

"Really?" said Jensen, momentarily distracted from the threat of peroxide. "Danneel?"

"Oh, yeah, we always interview friends and family," said Jared cheerfully. "I talked to your parents earlier today."

"Huh," said Jensen.

"Once I'm done here, we'll all go to Katie's studio and she'll colour your hair and get you some products to use," Jared added.

Jensen nodded automatically as Katie guided him out of the room with one hand on his arm. His mom and dad had probably been thrilled to see Jared. They'd loved him when he was a kid and had never been able to understand why he'd suddenly stopped coming around. Jensen had never found a way to tell them that Jared had changed, that he didn't even act like the same person anymore, that he'd become mean and even cruel.

Jared had probably enjoyed the hell out of interviewing his parents, but Jensen would bet he wouldn't have as much fun with Danneel. He'd told her more about Jared than he'd ever shared with his parents, and while she mostly tried to distract him and calm him down when he got worked up, Jensen didn't think she'd warm up to Jared all that easily as a result. He would have enjoyed staying to watch, but he could always ask her about it later.

It was quiet in the living room, and Jensen realised that Katie had asked him a question and he'd totally missed it. "I'm sorry?" he said, feeling himself blush.

"I asked if you've ever had your hair coloured before," Katie repeated.

"Oh. No, never. I've never really bothered with anything like that. Even when I go to the hairdresser, I just get them to cut it short so it doesn't get in the way. I don't think about my hair much."

"That explains a lot," Katie said darkly. Jensen shrugged awkwardly and looked away. "Okay then," she said. "Let me have a look at you." She made Jensen move closer to the window and turn this way and that, tutting over his hair and teasing the strands with her fingers. Jensen wasn't sure what could possibly be so interesting about his hair, but after what seemed like an eternity Jared yelled to them from the living room, and Katie led him out to the car.

As they drove to the studio, with Jensen sandwiched in the middle of the backseat between Jared and Katie, she described what she was planning for Jensen's hair. Dave filmed them from the front passenger seat.

"Not a full colour," she said, "Jensen's got a really nice natural shade, but I'm thinking some highlights would do wonders, and I took the liberty of throwing away Jensen's shampoo before we left."

"Hey!" Jensen protested. He hadn't noticed that; she must have gone into the bathroom while he was being interviewed.

"I'm going to give you some proper shampoo and conditioner, which I expect you to use every day," Katie said firmly.

At the studio, Katie put a sheet over Jensen's shoulders and wet his hair in a basin. "Any allergies I should know about?" she asked, and Jensen shook his head. She washed his hair with some strongly scented shampoo and towelled it dry, before bringing out an array of different hair swatches and asking him to determine which colour he liked best. They all looked virtually identical to Jensen, so he dithered until Katie narrowed it down. When they were down to two options he selected one at random. Katie gave him a sceptical glance and went to mix up the dye.

His hair came out of it all looking... well, not that different, Jensen didn't think. When he turned his head in the mirror, he could see the highlights, and he supposed it looked pretty good. Katie had dried his hair and it sat oddly, fluffier and straighter than normal. Jensen tried to part it and slick it back like he always did, but it insisted on going every which way.

"After you've washed it tomorrow morning you'll be able to style it as you normally do," Katie said. "Do you usually use a hairdryer?"

"Only when the glue isn't drying fast enough on my model spaceships," said Jensen.

"Of course," said Katie, rolling her eyes. She snapped open a plastic bag and started loading it with bottles. “This is your new shampoo and conditioner,” she said. “They contain a dandruff treatment and moisturiser. Use them each day until I tell you otherwise. If you’re going to use gel,” here she paused and cast a sceptical eye over Jensen’s hair. “On the off chance you decide to use gel, use this,” she held up a jar, “And this only. And here is a new comb. Throw your old one away.”

“But...”

“No. Throw it away. Use the good comb, Jensen, don’t make me cross.”

Jensen met Katie’s eyes for a second and meekly agreed. He was relieved to make his getaway from the studio and return home.

************

After Jared had replied ‘yes’ to Jensen’s friendship inquiry, they had become more or less inseparable. Jared had heaps of great ideas and was a lot of fun to be around; sometimes they hung out together at Jensen’s house playing Atari or pretending they were astronauts fighting aliens on Mars. Other days they rode their bikes to the park and Jared tried to teach Jensen how to play baseball, or basketball, or football. Jensen wasn’t very good at any of them, but somehow it was fun anyway to play with Jared. He never laughed or made fun of Jensen’s clumsiness.

After a few years, they moved on to middle school together. The new school was a lot bigger than their old elementary school, and there were new people everywhere. Jensen stood back and watched from the sidelines as the other kids interacted in some complicated social rite whose rules he couldn’t understand. Jared, on the other hand, took to the new environment like it was designed especially for him. Within a couple of days, he had an entire group of new friends. Jensen was jealous, but Jared took him around and introduced him to all of them as “My best friend Jensen, he’s really smart and one day he’s going to explore alien planets.” By the time Jared was done, all his friends were Jensen’s friends as well. That was why Jared was the best.

As Jared’s best friend, Jensen went along to watch his baseball games. Jared was the best player on the team, and Jensen cheered as he scored a touchdown or something by hitting the ball really hard. Jared started to run and Jensen cheered him on.

“Go, Jared, go!” he yelled, jumping up and down on the spot.

Jared’s dad was really excited by the game too. “Go on!” he screamed. “Faster! Run faster, Jared!”

Jensen kept cheering and Jared ran around the diamond, reaching third base and stopping.

“Yes!” Jensen cried.

“Don’t stop there!” Jared’s dad yelled. “You’ve got time - keep running!” But the other team had the ball and Jared didn’t move. His dad turned and took a couple of steps away. Jensen waved to Jared, who waved back while the next batter stepped up to the plate. Jared’s dad came back to the edge of the field and stood watching with his arms crossed.

The game went on and Jared’s team lost, which was a total travesty Jensen thought. They were clearly the better team. But it still meant they had come second in the tournament and everyone on the team received a medal on a red ribbon. Jensen went out for ice-cream with Jared’s family and tried to listen quietly while Jared’s dad explained how Jared could bat better, even though it was really boring. It was still an awesome day, because he got to spend it with Jared. When Jensen looked at him, Jared suddenly seemed different somehow, not in a way that he could explain, but in a way that made his heart beat funny and his stomach feel weird.

Jensen didn’t quite understand what was going on, but he figured it only made sense that Jared made him feel something different to other people. After all, he was the funniest, nicest best kid at school. It was impossible to imagine him ever doing something mean or being not awesome in some way. Jensen still couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be Jared’s best friend.

*****************

Jared didn’t come back until Friday; he’d explained that he needed to get footage of the other subjects for that week and so Jensen had a few days to relax. But the next step would be the wardrobe, and Jensen wasn’t really looking forward to it.

When Jared arrived at the end of the week, he had someone new with him.

“This is Sam,” he said. “Sam, this is Jensen. Sam is our stylist, she’s going to advise you on your wardrobe.”

Jensen had seen Sam on the show. She’d always struck him as very intimidating, and was a big part of the reason why he’d been dreading this so much. Well, aside from Jared himself, of course.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said unconvincingly, and Sam just nodded at him.

“Before we get started,” she said, “I’ve got some questions for you.”

“Okay,” said Jensen nervously.

“Is this,” she indicated his clothing with a wave, “A good example of an everyday outfit for you?”

“Uh...” Jensen looked down at what he was wearing. A white button down shirt with a striped tie over navy pants and black shoes. “I guess?”

“Hmm,” said Sam. Jensen held his tongue with some difficulty and waited for her to elaborate. “This is a workday for you, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“So, does your office require you to adhere to a dress code? I want to make sure we don’t outfit you in a way that’s not appropriate to your work.”

“Oh. Uh, I don’t think there’s a dress code, actually.”

“Well, is this a typical outfit for your office culture? Does it fit in with what your co-workers tend to wear?”

Jensen paused, trying to visualise some of his co-workers in their typical outfits. He was dismayed to find the images coming out blurry and indistinct. He had no idea if his usual work clothes had much in common with theirs, or what other things he might wear without sticking out. But that didn’t seem like the sort of thing he could admit in front of Sam and Jared, while he was being filmed. This was the sort of thing he should know, right? It was surely the sort of thing any normal person would know.

“Well,” he said uncertainly, “There’s, uh, Pete, he wears, um...” he waved one hand vaguely. “Black. He wears a lot of... black. And then, um, James... er.” He remembered that James tended to wear faded t-shirts over ratty jeans, and he didn’t think that was the sort of thing Sam was going to dress him in.

“Okay, let’s not worry too much about that, then,” said Sam. “How do you prefer to dress on the weekends?”

“Um...” Jensen looked down at himself again. “Well, I usually don’t wear a tie.”

“Ah.” Sam’s face remained carefully blank, but Jensen was sure she was silently evaluating and judging him. “Well. Do you think I could see your wardrobe now?”

Once in Jensen’s bedroom, Sam threw his closet doors open and flicked through the clothing hanging up.

“Are you particularly attached to any of this?” she asked, frowning over a pair of pants that Jensen didn’t wear anymore but which he’d decided to keep in case he ever wanted to paint something.

“Well...” Jensen looked through the closet and took out a couple of things, like the shirt he’d been given for Christmas the year before and his favourite pair of shoes. “I guess there’s not a whole lot,” he said, realising with some surprise that it was really true. He had a few t-shirts in the dresser that he didn’t want to get rid of, but aside from that he didn’t exactly have any real attachment to any of his clothes. He wasn’t sure why that came as a surprise; after all, he put more thought into choosing a parking space than he did into getting dressed in the morning. But surely his clothes should mean something, his style of dress should communicate some kind of statement about the sort of person he was, something that he should be reluctant to let go of. Instead, he just felt indifferent.

“I don’t see the point of keeping any of this, then,” Sam said, sweeping every article out of the closet and arranging them on the bed. She gave his dresser drawers the same treatment, and as she stacked the clothes up, she asked Jensen what colours he liked, whether he preferred his clothes fitted or loose, and other questions that he had trouble answering because he’d never before considered things like whether he liked long sleeves or short. Long sleeves were more professional, right? The idea that it could be a preference had never really occurred to him.

By the end of the night, Jared had taken an entire page of notes on Jensen’s wardrobe, Sam’s suggestions for him and his answers to her questions. “We’ll pick you up tomorrow morning at 8:30,” Jared said. “Make sure you’re ready. And wear comfortable shoes. We’re going shopping.” He grinned hugely at Jensen, like the idea of going shopping was actually exciting to him.

“Sounds awesome,” Jensen managed, wondering to himself how he was going to survive an entire day like this.

*******************

When Jensen got to eighth grade and the other boys in his class started flirting with the girls and talking about kissing them and doing other stuff, Jensen realised he didn’t want to have a girlfriend. He didn’t want to take a girl on a date or try to get a kiss. He wanted to do all that stuff, but with Jared.

The realisation shook him at first. He didn’t know anyone who was gay and most of what he knew came from jokes his classmates liked to make, but his parents had always spoken up against homophobia so he felt comfortable enough to talk to them about it. He didn’t tell them he liked Jared because that realisation still felt too new and personal, but he told them everything else and they supported him.

He didn’t rush into it, but after thinking about it for a while Jensen figured he could probably tell Jared the truth and see if he felt the same way. After all, there was nothing about Jared that wasn’t awesome. Jensen had always told Jared everything, and Jared had never used it against him or reacted badly. Besides, sometimes they had sleepovers and stayed up all night talking about stuff. Sometimes the pretty girls at school asked Jared to go with them to movies or Pizza Hut, and Jared would turn them down because he and Jensen already had plans. Jensen thought there might be a chance that maybe Jared liked him too.

Jensen should have realised that it was a bad idea the second he grabbed Jared after school one day and asked to talk, and Jared made an excuse and tried to leave. He’d been acting weird all day, but Jensen didn’t pay attention to that, too nervous over his impending announcement.

He stammered and mumbled for about five minutes until Jared just looked really confused. Finally, he simply blurted out, “Jared, I like you. I more than friends like you, you know?”

Since, in the previous five minutes of conversation, Jared had formed the impression that Jensen needed a kidney transplant, and then that he was about to go on the run from the mob, Jensen was prepared for Jared to need a few minutes to catch up. He didn’t, though; Jared got what he meant straight away. And he didn’t like it.

“Ugh,” he said, standing up and stepping away from Jensen. “What are you saying? I didn’t know you were, you know... like that.”

“Like what?” Jensen asked. This wasn’t turning out like he’d hoped at all.

“You’re a fairy,” Jared hissed. “I thought my Dad was wrong about you, but - no! You don’t touch me!” he snapped, because Jensen had taken a step towards Jared, hands up, trying to placate him.

“Jared...” Jensen said, already wondering if he could pretend the whole thing was a joke. Judging by Jared’s face, probably not.

“Keep away from me, Jensen!” Jared yelled, lifting his hands up. “You’re a freak!”

Jensen, shaken by this abrupt disruption to years of friendship, didn’t move away but instead froze on the spot. It happened that at that moment a group of kids Jensen vaguely knew came out of the school after some activity or another. Jared put his hands to Jensen’s shoulders and shoved him forcefully away. “Get away from me! What’s wrong with you?”

Jensen stumbled back and took a moment to steady himself on his feet before turning and running away. Behind him he could hear the other kids asking Jared “What happened?” and “What did he do?” but he didn’t stop to hear what Jared said.

Although he’d tried many times, Jensen had never managed to forget that Jared was his best friend for five years, and he’d never forgotten the day that changed.

**************

Jensen woke up the next morning and dressed in the few items of clothes which had escaped Sam’s ruthless cull. He dutifully washed his hair with the shampoo Katie had instructed him to use, even though he couldn’t tell if it made any difference, and was ready to go well before the time Jared had said he would arrive. He was nervous; that was why. He’d slept little and got through his morning routines way faster than usual because he couldn’t stand still.

He knew that Jared and Sam would both be tagging along today, along with the usual camera crew. But in addition, he would be meeting the two other subjects that were getting makeovers. Jensen coped well enough with meeting new people when he had to; he got by alright at work and everything, but this was an unusual situation. It was stupid to be so worried. He had no reason to think that anything was going to go wrong or that anyone would give him a hard time, but he couldn’t help expecting the worst.

Finally, he heard a knock at the door and went to answer it, feeling his heart beat faster. He willed himself to calm down as he pulled the door open. Jared was standing on the other side.

“Hey, Jensen,” he said with a broad grin. “You ready for today?”

Everyone else had to be waiting downstairs in the van, because Jared was alone. They hadn’t really been alone together since that first day when Jared had apologised to him. It hadn’t really occurred to Jensen before, but now he had the opportunity, he wanted to ask Jared why. Why had he changed so suddenly, why had he reacted so badly to what Jensen had said? If he’d wanted to, Jensen would have pretended it had never happened. He wanted to know why; he’d always wanted to know why. If he asked Jared, though, it would be like admitting that he still cared. It would be giving Jared power over him. He wasn’t going to do that.

“As ready as I’ll ever be?” he said, trying but failing to keep the question out of his voice.

“That’s good,” Jared answered, but his smile dimmed. “I’ve been wanting to ask...” he said, “Is everything going okay? For you? Has any of this been... helpful, at all?”

Jensen tried to come up with a flippant reply, but it was difficult, because he could hear in Jared’s voice that he really wanted to know. They weren’t being filmed, this wasn’t a question Jared was asking to get a good line from Jensen that could be sliced up and tacked in between commercials. Jensen hadn’t realised he still had that, still had the ability to know when Jared was being sincere. He didn’t like it all that much; it made it seem like Jared hadn’t changed as much as Jensen knew he had.

“I don’t know,” he hedged as they walked slowly to the elevator. “It’s been interesting. And it’s not like I don’t want to look good. But I can’t really see how this is going to make a big difference for me. I’ll still...” He clamped his mouth shut after realising that he was about to admit that, even if he was dressed like a film star, he was always going to be a socially awkward loser. It didn’t matter how nice Jared was acting, he wasn’t going to say something as completely revealing as that.

He didn’t speak after that, and the uncomfortable silence lasted until they reached the van. Jared opened the door and ushered Jensen inside.

“Well, everyone, this is Jensen,” he said brightly. “Jensen, meet this week’s other ducklings, Genevieve and Richard.”

Ducklings? Jensen thought incredulously. Was that really how the show referred to them? Yes, he thought, recalling the snippets he’d seen of other episodes. It was. He mocked Jared in his head for saying something so cheesy with no apparent irony. Jensen nodded a greeting to his fellow reality TV stars, trying to get himself quickly settled into his seat so that everyone would stop looking at him. Genevieve said, “Hey,” and seemed content to leave it at that, but Richard was a bit chattier.

“Jensen,” he said. “That’s a bit of an unusual name.”

“I guess so,” Jensen answered, shrugging. He knew it wasn’t that common, but it was just his name. He’d always had it. If his name were Richard, he wouldn’t go around pointing out that other people’s names were weird.

“What do you do with yourself, Jensen?”

This Richard guy sure was nosy. “I design parts for computers,” Jensen said.

“That’s awesome!” said Richard. “I bet you never have to deal with tech support, then?”

“Uh, well actually...” Jensen said uneasily. It was true, he kept his personal computer running by himself, but working in the computer hardware department meant spending a lot of time with tech support. Richard wasn’t really listening though, and instead had looked over to Genevieve.

“Gen here teaches middle school,” he said.

“Oh,” said Jensen. It was quiet in the van, and he felt like he should maybe add something more, but he couldn’t think of anything. That’s nice? What’s it like? He wondered how long Genevieve had been a teacher. She didn’t look very old. Some of the eighth graders were probably taller than she was.

“So, what subjects do you teach?” Richard asked after a minute.

“Math, and history,” she answered.

“I bet you never get dates wrong!” Richard said, and Gen laughed.

Jensen wanted to kick both of them, because they were talking to one another and enjoying themselves and they made it seem easy. He looked away, out of the window, but as he glanced over he realised that Jared was watching him, a slight furrow in his brow. Jensen scowled and turned to look out the opposite window, even though it meant turning his body awkwardly.

Once the van reached the mall, Sam led the way out and they followed her to their first destination. They drew a lot of glances, being followed by a cameraman and having Sam and Jared with them, both of whom were quite well known. Jensen couldn’t help but notice people pointing at them and whispering to one another, and it made him feel uneasy, even though he knew they were just curious and nothing more.

Sam stopped at a store selling women’s clothing, and she led Gen inside to start trying things on.

“Will they be long?” Jensen wondered, remembering days of being dragged along shopping with his mother and sister.

“We’re on a tight schedule,” Jared answered. “They’ll be about forty-five minutes. We can go get some coffee or something while we wait.”

That sounded like a great idea to Jensen, since it was barely nine am on a Saturday morning, which was far too early. They got coffee from the food court and wandered around the mall, Jared and Richard chatting away like they’d been friends for years.

Once Sam was satisfied with Gen’s haul of new clothes, she led them to a menswear store, and Jensen and Richard were ushered inside.

“Good luck,” Gen wished them, in a way that made sweat break out on Jensen’s palms.

It wasn’t so bad, actually. He and Richard followed Sam around the store while she pulled things off the racks and asked if they were something either of them would consider wearing. Before too long, they had both accumulated a huge stack of clothes that Sam insisted they try on.

The trying things on part was kind of tedious. Jensen got tired of doing up buttons and straightening seams. Sam made him show her what each item looked like when he was wearing it, and would then give either a headshake or a nod of approval. After that, she made him try on the clothes which had made the cut in different combinations, and then she got him to narrow it down to the clothes he did and didn’t like. That was the hardest part; most of the clothes Jensen had no particular opinion about, but that didn’t seem to be enough for Sam. He felt like he was supposed to be reacting to his favourite clothes with squeals of glee.

“Is it comfortable, Jensen?” she asked finally in exasperation. Jensen had to nod at that and admit that the clothes were, indeed, comfortable.

“That’ll do, then,” she sighed, and went to bother Richard.

They were in that store for an hour, and after that Sam took them to a shoe store. That was kind of fun. A pair of bright red sneakers caught his eye, and while Sam shook her head at him, she got him to try them on. After that, Jensen figured they were close to done, but he turned out to be wrong. They paused for lunch in the food court, but after that was another five hours of trying on clothes and shoes. Jared revealed that he’d made an appointment for Jensen with an optometrist so he could get contact lenses and some new frames for his glasses. Their last stop was a store where Sam took Gen to look at handbags, and as soon as they were gone Richard collapsed onto a bench seat. Jensen sat beside him with relief.

“That was intense,” Richard sighed.

“Mm,” Jensen agreed. “I never knew choosing a tie could be so complicated.”

They sat in exhausted silence while they waited. Jared looked every bit as fresh and energetic as he had standing at Jensen’s front door that morning. Jensen kind of resented him for it.

At last Sam and Gen came out with two new bags and Jared herded them all back to the van. Jensen felt like he could have fallen asleep in his seat, but Jared was bugging all of them with questions about the day - what they thought of their new clothes and what they wanted to try first and whether they were looking forward to the party tomorrow night.

Jensen smothered a groan when that got mentioned. He’d been happy enough just to get through the shopping trip, but he still had another full day to survive. They were going to be picked up at ten in the morning and taken to the studio to get haircuts from Katie, have Sam choose their outfits and get their makeovers completed. That evening, there would be a party where every person they knew was supposed to come and marvel over their transformation. It sounded like torture to Jensen.

Once the van dropped him off Jensen stretched out on his couch, too tired to move. Danneel was kind enough to share her dinner of macaroni and cheese, and found something mindless on TV to watch while they ate. It wasn’t until they’d finished eating and washed the dishes that Danneel asked,

“Was it as terrible as you were expecting?”

“I’m exhausted,” Jensen said. “But I got through it. Now I just have to survive tomorrow.”

“Yeah, speaking of which,” Danneel said, “Am I invited to your big fancy debut?”

“Please don’t call it that,” Jensen said. “And I hope you’ll be there. Someone’s gotta help me get through the night.”

“Well, when you put it like that, I guess I have to go. Maybe you can help me figure out what to wear with your new fashion sense. I’d hate to make you look bad by wearing stripes with polka dots, or whatever.”

“Why? Would that not be good?” Jensen asked.

Danneel laughed and shook her head. “Jensen. It’s nice to know that, even after your remarkable transformation, you’re still the same guy deep down.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

Danneel laughed briefly before becoming more serious. “So, I take it Jared’s been behaving himself? You haven’t been complaining about him nearly as much as I would have expected.”

“He’s been fine.” Jensen examined Danneel’s face. “You wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, would you? You never did tell me what you said when he interviewed you.”

“And I’m not going to. You’ll have to wait and see.” Jensen huffed, and Danneel laughed at him. “Besides,” she went on, “I didn’t say much at all. I think, if Jared’s being nice to you, maybe... well, maybe he’s changed.”

“Maybe,” said Jensen, unconvinced.

“I mean, I know he was an asshole teenager and he made your life hell, but people can change.”

Jensen shook his head. “It’s not even that he did anything terrible to me,” he said. “Sure, there was that time in gym he deliberately knocked me over, and once he broke my calculator and pretended it was an accident. But most of the really shitty stuff was other kids, not him. He didn’t ever tell anyone I was gay, and he could have. If he had, I think that would have been... not good.” He met Danneel’s gaze and saw her looking back at him sadly. “It was just that - he helped me fit in. When we were friends, the other kids left me alone... he got them to like me. I don’t know how.” Jensen gave a nasty little laugh. “I was a stuck up little know-it-all.”

“Don’t say that about yourself.”

“But once we stopped being friends, it was like being thrown to the wolves. The things he said about me turned all the other kids against me, and he never stood up for me. He joined in, helped them along.” As Jensen brought his memories more clearly to the surface, he could feel his eyes prickling and his throat closing up. “So, maybe he has changed, and that’s great. It’s wonderful that everything worked out for him.”

Danneel chewed her lip as she considered what to say. “What would make it better, then?” she asked. “Knowing that he felt terrible and really hated himself because of what he did?”

Jensen hesitated. “I used to think that,” he said. “I thought it would be great if he realised how... how hard he made things for me. And if he felt really bad about it.” He turned away from Danneel and picked up the newspaper, holding it in front of his face for show. “But after all this, I think maybe he does actually feel really badly about it. And I still don’t feel any better.”

“That hardly seems fair,” Danneel said thoughtfully.

“I know, right?” Jensen snapped, throwing the paper down onto the table. “This sucks. I still feel like crap, and Jared still feels shitty even though he’s got the perfect life. I’d prefer it if he’d go back to being an asshole.” He realised as he was saying it that he really meant it, even though it didn’t make sense.

“You do?” Danneel asked, astonished. “Why?”

That was harder to figure out, but Jensen wanted to know too. “Because...” He thought back over the way Jared had acted towards him this week. “He’s being nice and acting like he wants to be friends, but... I can’t trust him. And I don’t want to be his friend if I can’t trust him, and I can’t tell him that I feel that way because I don’t want him to know that I care that much. It’s all his fault. If he wasn’t acting like a decent person I wouldn’t have to worry about this so much.”

Danneel nodded. “Yes. Clearly, by being nice to you, he’s actually being meaner than if he were actually being mean.”

Jensen glared. “You’re making fun of me.”

Danneel tried to look serious, but she couldn’t quite pull it off. “You’ve only got to put up with him for one more day,” she said consolingly. “And after that you’ll never have to see him again. You can do it.”

“Yeah,” Jensen replied. “I can do it.” But what Danneel had said stuck with him. Tomorrow could be the last time he ever saw Jared, ever. It could be his last chance to get the answers he still wanted. And if he wasn’t going to ever see Jared again, it didn’t matter if he revealed a bit of himself to do it.

Part Two