(no subject)
Title: The Most Secret Art
Fandom: Bandom
Pairings: Gen-ish, pre-Brendon/Ryan/Jon/Spencer
Word count: 5926
Warnings: Slavery, references to sex slavery, sexual abuse and underage.
Summary: Brendon is sure he can figure out what the best friend-making strategy is. It's actually doing it that will be a challenge.
Author's notes: This was written for the 'lost childhood' square for hc_bingo
One day, Brendon heads to the factory floor for work, and when he gets there he finds Spencer and Ray with the guy who’s supposed to be filling in. Spencer is vibrating with an excitement that Brendon isn’t used to seeing from people who aren’t him. He grabs Brendon’s forearms and shakes them rapidly.
“Ryan!” he says. “Ryan! Ryan!”
“Huh?” Brendon asks, because he’s a little slow to catch on.
“Ryan is here!” Spencer says, and then Brendon understands.
Spencer talks about Ryan a lot. When Spencer was younger, he’d been a domestic slave, and one day the master bought a bedslave. The bedslave was Ryan, and he became Spencer’s closest friend. Later, they had been sold and Spencer hadn’t seen Ryan for a long time, but had never forgotten about him. Seeing Spencer now, seeing how excited and happy he is, Brendon realises for the first time how much Spencer has missed Ryan.
They get to work, but Spencer is hardly concentrating at all and twice Brendon barely manages to stop him from stapling his own thumbs together. When it’s time for their ten minute break, Spencer insists on racing back to the temporary quarters to see Ryan again.
Brendon offers to go with him, but Spencer shakes his head and says, “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry about it,” and Brendon is sensitive enough to realise that maybe Spencer wants a few minutes alone with his friend.
After that, Ryan apparently starts a shift with the next crew over, and Spencer drives everyone up the wall trying to swap things around so he can take his breaks at the same time as Ryan. Eventually Frank rolls his eyes and gives in, because they can all see how much this means to Spencer.
The second their shift is over Spencer is at Ray to get Ryan moved into their quarters permanently. After all the excitement and anticipation, Brendon isn’t sure exactly what he’s expecting when he finally meets Ryan for the first time.
Ryan, as it turns out, is kind of amazing. He’s very thin, with a sharply angled jaw, and he’s tense as he stands in the doorway while Spencer points out everything of interest in the quarters. Brendon’s been anxious to meet him, because Ryan is obviously important to Spencer, and what’s important to Spencer is important to Brendon. So he goes up to Ryan and says, “Hey, I’m Brendon!” He tries to tone it down a little bit, because he knows he can come on strong to people sometimes. But he wants to make sure Ryan knows he’s welcome, as well. It’s hard to find the right balance.
Ryan just says, “Uh, hi.” He doesn’t look at Brendon or take the hand that he’s offered to shake. Ryan is obviously more of an understated kind of guy. Brendon can deal with that. He tries to slouch against the wall in a way that looks sort of natural, and says, “Cool shirt.” He’s trying for the same detached tone Ryan was using, but instead it comes out sounding insincere, almost snide. He winces, but Ryan doesn’t seem to notice. He doesn’t react at all. Spencer gives him a look, but Spencer looks at everyone like that, so Brendon’s not too worried.
After that, they have to sort out a room for Ryan. Spencer obviously wants Ryan to share his room. He’s been sharing with Brendon since he came to the factory months earlier, but Brendon can adjust. He offers to take the empty spot in Ray’s room, but Ray looks sort of pained at the suggestion and then Frank says he’ll share with Ray, and Brendon can share with Bob. Everyone’s happy.
Brendon goes to move his things and Spencer hustles Ryan into the room to get him settled in. Brendon tries not to feel too much like he’s being unceremoniously discarded. Spencer’s just excited, he knows that, and Ryan is clearly not comfortable with so many people being around. It makes sense that he wants to give Ryan a chance to take everything in. It’s not that Spencer suddenly wants to not be friends any more.
The best thing for Brendon to do, then, would obviously be to chill out and give Spencer and Ryan some space. It’s ten am by the time all the arrangements are made with the rooms, and Brendon should be tired. He is tired, really, it’s just that he’s a bit too wound up for sleeping. He lies in his new bed for an hour or so, listening to Bob snore and wondering what Ryan and Spencer are doing. He doesn’t fall asleep, though, and he gets hungry, so eventually he gets up and goes to the kitchen to get some cereal.
It’s quiet in the living area and Brendon puts the TV on at a low volume and watches some cartoons. He gets bored after about twenty minutes, which is what usually happens, and he starts looking around for something else to do.
When Brendon looks behind him, though, he sees Ryan standing against the wall, where he can see both Brendon and the television screen.
“Hey!” Brendon exclaims, because he’s forgotten everything he’d observed about Ryan when they met a few hours earlier. Ryan looks startled but manages a nod. “You wanna watch anything?” Brendon asks, holding up the remote control. Ryan shrugs, and gives the remote a curious glance, which Brendon takes as his cue to explain how it works. He shows Ryan how to change channels and turn the set on and off, and then he tries to get Ryan to take the remote and try it for himself.
“That’s okay,” says Ryan, huddling back against the wall. “I never really watch TV anyway. I don’t think there’s any show I want to watch.”
“Are you sure?” Brendon asks. “On Thursdays they’re playing this series about sharks. Sharks! It’s awesome. I’m usually sleeping when it’s on, but. Well. Not today.”
“I’m sure,” Ryan says quietly. “I’m gonna go back to bed now.” He turns and heads back down the hall, and Brendon is slightly disappointed. He flicks the TV on and finds the shark documentary, but it’s a lot less appealing now that Ryan’s left. It’s because Brendon’s overdoing it again. He knows that he gets on everyone’s nerves from time to time. Usually he can control himself better. It’s just that he very much wants Ryan to like him. Unfortunately, wanting that seems to bring out the exact behaviours which will make Ryan not like him. It’s a paradox.
Brendon sadly contemplates this for around fifteen minutes, which is about all the sad contemplation he can take in one sitting. After that he starts looking around for something else to do.
There’s not really a lot to do. The quarters are comfortable and Brendon’s never been any other place that provides non-telekinetic televisions for its slaves. He’s not complaining. But he’s found that there’s only so much TV a person can watch before it gets old.
He reads books sometimes. There’s a little room set up like a library closer to the factory floor, and they’re all allowed to borrow whatever books they want. Brendon’s borrowed and read quite a few books, but often he’s too restless to read, and now is one of those times.
Sometimes, there are classes. Lessons in basic things like reading and simple math. Spencer goes to them, because he never learned how to read when he was young. Sometimes Brendon goes along too, because he hasn’t been to school since he was ten. The classes are a lot more fun than he remembers school being, but Brendon thinks it’s really Spencer and his other friends that make it fun.
Brendon thinks that with all the time he’s got to himself, while everyone else is sleeping, he should be able to come up with a foolproof plan to make Ryan like him. He thinks of a heap of ridiculous and over the top schemes, but he can at least recognize when his imagination is running away with him, and rein it in. In the end, he figures a simple plan is the way to go. He’s not going to get Ryan to like him by acting like his usual self. He’s got to try to act like the adult he supposedly is. That means no goofing around. No playing up his klutziness to make Spencer laugh. No rambling. No climbing all over everyone on the sofa. No stupid jokes. He’s going to be mature, sensible, and generally like the sort of person Ryan, or anyone else, would not be embarrassed to know.
************
The problem with this plan is that those are all things that Brendon tries to do most of the time anyway, and he never quite manages to succeed. He tends to resolve anew every few days to act like less of a child and be a bit easier for everyone to get along with, but there’s never much time that passes before he notices Ray rolling his eyes or William shaking his head, and realises that he’d accidentally created a mess in the kitchen when he hadn’t even been cooking anything, or derailed a conversation onto some topic no one else cared about. This time, though, he’s determined to make it work.
He manages to keep it up for about a day. This is largely because he spends a lot of time by himself; more than usual. Spencer’s still busy with Ryan, and Brendon’s trying to give them time. He could hang out with Jon instead, but Jon has a lot of friends besides Brendon and Spencer, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect Jon to neglect them just so he could entertain Brendon. So Brendon is quiet for most of the day, but the problem is he’s not getting to know Ryan, and that’s not helping with the plan.
So, after their shift, Spencer heads off to a class, and Ryan goes with him. Brendon tags along, because he hasn’t been to one in a while and it’s a good excuse to hang out with Spencer and Ryan without being obvious about it.
An old guy named Jacob runs the writing classes. He passes around some copies of books for them to share, and everyone pairs up. Spencer pairs up with Ryan, of course. It’s fine; Brendon looks around but Jon hasn’t come with them today, and there’s an odd number of people in the group, so he winds up without a partner. That could work. Brendon looks back to Spencer, wondering if he can persuade him to make it a group of three.
“Got a book to yourself,” Spencer observes with a smile. “Lucky you.”
Well, that’s fine then. Brendon nods and opens up his book, trying not to let his hurt show. He knows it’s stupid to feel that way. It’s obvious to everyone that Ryan’s not okay and Spencer is incredibly protective of him. It’s not that Spencer doesn’t trust Brendon, exactly, it’s just that he’s not sure yet if he can trust Brendon not to hurt Ryan. He doesn’t trust anyone to not hurt Ryan.
Jacob gets them to take turns reading aloud. It’s a very mixed group; some of them, like Brendon, can read quite well. Others, like Spencer, are still slow and struggle with difficult words. Usually Brendon helps him, but today Ryan does, so he can obviously read. Brendon wonders whether Jacob will ask Ryan to read and what Spencer will do if he does. He’s sort of intrigued by the impending standoff, but it doesn’t eventuate. Jacob gets Spencer to read a page, and then he tilts his head towards Ryan, still looking at Spencer. Spencer nudges Ryan’s shoulder, and Ryan reads the next page in a clear voice. He speaks softly, in a monotone, but he doesn’t stumble once.
It’s Brendon’s turn after that, so he begins to read, adopting a different ridiculous voice for each character and cramming as much drama into his reading as he can. A few of the other voids chuckle as they listen; Spencer would normally laugh, but today he just frowns and looks disapproving. Ryan doesn’t react at all beyond a faint quirk of his lips. Brendon finishes the page and wonders why Spencer is so serious. Maybe he thinks Brendon was making fun of Ryan’s lack of inflection. He wasn’t; he just thought it would be funny. Then Brendon realizes that he’s completely lost track of his plan, and he’s so frustrated with himself that he doesn’t pay attention to anything else for the rest of the lesson.
When the lesson ends, Spencer and Ryan disappear. Literally.
Okay, not literally. They don’t fade away before Brendon’s eyes or anything. But he can’t find them anywhere, so Brendon decides to stay in the quarters and practice being less of an idiot.
He sits in the living area and reads a newspaper, because that is something that grown-ups seem to enjoy. Ray walks in and does a double-take, which Brendon thinks is slightly unwarranted, but whatever.
“Anything interesting?” Ray asks.
“No,” Brendon sighs. Reading the news would suck a lot less if anything cool was happening.
“Is everything okay?” Ray says next. Brendon is maybe more surprised than he should be. Ray’s a good guy; he cares about everyone getting along, and Andy asked him to keep an eye on things. Ray’s not the sort of person to take responsibility like that lightly.
That doesn’t mean Brendon’s going to go confiding in him, though. He and Ray just don’t talk all that much. Brendon just smiles and nods. While Ray doesn’t look totally satisfied with this, he does let it go.
Over the next few days, Brendon makes no progress getting Ryan to like him. When they sit around as a group during the day, Brendon tries to include Ryan in the conversation, but he never replies and always looks uncomfortable, so eventually Brendon stops trying. He’s still working on the new personality he’s been trying to adopt. It doesn’t seem to be making much of an impression. Everyone seems to have noticed what he’s doing, except for Ryan. Brendon can feel everyone’s eyes on him when he has to pinch the skin between his fingers to keep himself still, or when he has to quickly pull out a notebook to write down the monologue which is just bursting to come out of his mouth.
Ryan, on the other hand, only seems to notice Brendon when he screws up, and accidentally launches the book Jon’s trying to read across the room while trying to demonstrate how to do a somersault onto the sofa. He catches Ryan watching him then, with a raised eyebrow and a little smirk on his lips. Brendon blushes and glares at Ryan. He can’t help it; it’s really embarrassing, and the knowledge that Ryan is inwardly laughing at him makes it worse. Ryan notices his glare and quickly looks away; Spencer notices the two of them and glares back at Brendon, but he’s Spencer and so he is much, much better at it.
Everyone seems content to watch Brendon make a fool of himself, except for Ray who was too busy worrying about… Brendon isn’t sure exactly what, except that it’s his fault. Eventually, after a particularly bad day, when Ryan had walked into the kitchen, seen Brendon and walked out again in a very obvious way, William intervenes.
“Listen, Brendon,” he says seriously. “I know you mean well, but you’ve got to give Ryan more space.”
Brendon listens intently, because William was a bedslave once, before he wound up at Aeon. If anyone knows what’s going on in Ryan’s head, it will be him.
William looks at him sort of expectantly, so Brendon says honestly, “I just want him to like me.”
William nods. “Sure.” He tilts his head at Brendon. “But Ryan… he isn’t even sure if he’s safe here or not. You’ve got to wait.”
“No one here’s going to hurt him,” Brendon says, surprised.
“He doesn’t know that,” says William. “Bedslaves… don’t usually have other slaves around they can trust. Ryan’s probably used to being on his own, not having people he can rely on.”
Brendon took that in and felt bad for Ryan. Even when things had been bad for him, he’d always known that there was a certain amount of solidarity between slaves. He’d never been totally alone.
“I want to be the sort of person he can trust,” Brendon says, surprising himself.
William looks at him with a sharper gaze than Brendon is used to. “You are,” he said. “You don’t have to change yourself to be trustworthy, you know that don’t you?”
Brendon laughed nervously. “Sure,” he says. “Who’s more trustworthy than a freak with a five second attention span?”
That was a little melodramatic, even for Brendon, so he waves off William’s concern and goes to distract himself by cleaning the bathroom. They really don’t clean it as often as they should, so there’s probably a good couple hours of work in it, enough to dissuade anyone from hanging around and asking annoying questions.
He takes William’s advice seriously, though, and swaps with Jon so that he’s not taking breaks with Spencer and Ryan anymore. Ryan doesn’t seem to notice, and while Spencer definitely does, Brendon hopes that if he pretends everything is normal, eventually it will be.
In the morning, they’re all heading back to their quarters to sleep and Spencer actually leaves Ryan’s side for five minutes to talk to Brendon. When Brendon sees Spencer in front of him and automatically looks around for Ryan, he realizes how long it’s been since he’s seen Spencer by himself, and how much he misses just being able to hang out with his friend.
“You’re acting weird,” says Spencer. He never beats around the bush.
“I’m not,” says Brendon automatically, but Spencer just gives him a look until he caves. “I think I annoy Ryan,” he admits eventually, “And I don’t want to be a pain or anything, but I keep screwing it up. I thought it might be better if I backed off a bit.”
Spencer looks at him like he’s speaking a foreign language. “Don’t be stupid,” he says. “Ryan thinks you don’t like him.” Brendon opens his mouth to dispute that, but Spencer just carries on. “I was worried you were angry with me.”
“Why?”
“Because. I know, since Ryan got here, I’ve been sort of ignoring everyone else. I’ve been a shitty friend.”
“No!” says Brendon at once. “Ryan needs you, you’re looking out for him.” It really hadn’t occurred to Brendon to resent the way Spencer’s attention had been monopolized. He’d been a bit sad about it, hurt, maybe, if he let himself admit it. But he’d never thought it was anything other than Spencer doing what he needed to.
That talk lifted Brendon’s spirits considerably, and when he woke up in the afternoon and Spencer suggested making fettuccine with pumpkin and chili sauce, Brendon happily jumped in, helping to chop and stir. Everything was going smoother, and the more time which passed without mishap, the more excited Brendon got about it. He bounced to the fridge and back to get some garlic, playfully bumping into Jon as he returned. He passed Spencer the onion he’d chopped and ruffled his hair while Spencer cursed at him. And then he walked around the bench to where Ryan was sitting on a stool and watching them. He leaned up against Ryan’s side and put a hand on his shoulder, not realizing until Ryan cringed away that he’d crossed a line.
Brendon stepped away at once, stammering apologies when he saw how much he’d freaked Ryan out. It didn’t help, and Spencer was enormously pissed. Ryan just sat there, huddled and… and shaking. Shit.
Spencer hustled Ryan out of the room, shooting a death glare over his shoulder as he did so. Brendon stood in the middle of the kitchen, his shoulders tight, fully aware that everyone was looking at him and waiting to see what he would do. He thought if he waited too long, he might do something (more) humiliating, like cry, so he turned the other direction and walked away.
There were courtyards all up and down the section of the building which contained the living quarters, to allow natural light into the rooms. Their quarters had a garden on one side and some basketball hoops on the other. Brendon’s favourite, though, was a courtyard which contained a lawn area and a few trees. It was small and the trees only little, but there was at least the illusion of open space, and there wasn’t usually anyone else there. It was a good place to pace or run laps without annoying anyone, and that was what Brendon did until he was too tired to think anymore.
Working that night was agonizing. It was much like the night before, but worse because Spencer was consciously, and obviously, keeping himself between Brendon and Ryan. Every so often, Jon would look around, catch Brendon’s eye and give him a sympathetic glance. It was nice of him, but it really didn’t make Brendon feel any better. Ryan didn’t look up from the work table at all, and Brendon tried to do the same, to focus on just getting his work done, but he couldn’t just shut off his awareness of everyone else in the room.
He had more or less abandoned his Get-Ryan-to-Like-Me plan, and now he was operating on more of a Hope-Ryan-Forgets-I-Exist plan. He spent the next day sleeping, or trying to sleep but actually tossing and turning, and then reading in his room. It was early evening when someone appeared in his doorway.
Brendon looked up from his book and his jaw dropped. The last person he’d been expecting to see at his door was Ryan, but there he was.
“Uh… hi?” Brendon said intelligently.
Ryan sort of nodded at him, but didn’t respond in any other way. He stepped into the room and his eyes flicked up to meet Brendon’s for a second, before dropping back to somewhere around chin level.
Brendon licked his lips and wondered what to do. Having Ryan approach him like this would have delighted him a couple of days ago. On the other hand, Ryan wasn’t saying or doing anything, and Brendon had no idea what he was supposed to do.
Brendon sat up and Ryan took a step closer to the bed. His hands clenched and unclenched, and finally he spoke.
“Uh,” said Ryan. “Spencer is kind of pissed at me that we’re not friends.”
“Wha… huh?” Brendon must have heard that wrong. “I don’t think Spencer is mad at you.”
Ryan seemed to consider that for maybe three seconds. “No, he is,” he said decisively. “He wants all of us to get along, and I’m all. You know, stupid.”
Brendon opened his mouth to protest that, but got distracted when Ryan sat beside him on the bed. He perched on the edge like a bird about to take off, like he was ready to spring away any second. Then he put one hand on Brendon’s knee.
“Um, Ryan?”
“You want me, right? I can tell.”
Brendon froze halfway through shaking his head. A denial froze in his throat. It hadn’t occurred to him to think of Ryan that way. Sure, he was good looking, Brendon couldn’t help but notice it. But he’d also clearly been through some horrendous shit, and Brendon hadn’t allowed himself to even consider whether there might be anything more to his attraction.
Brendon was still trying to find an appropriate way to put all that into words when Ryan grabbed his shoulders and pressed their lips together. He sat frozen through the kiss for the first few seconds, then gently pulled away.
“What… are you doing?” he asked finally, not being able to phrase his question any more eloquently than that.
Ryan just looked confused. “Spencer wants us to get along,” he said. “You like me. I want to make Spencer happy.”
That gave Brendon the jolt he needed to get up and step away from Ryan. “No,” he said. “No, no no no no.”
Ryan just looked mad at Brendon’s lack of cooperation. “Spencer’s going to be pissed,” he said.
“I really don’t think he will be,” Brendon said. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a freak. I know I’m not the easiest guy to get along with. But I really don’t think Spencer would be happy with us having sex. I mean, not if you’re just doing it because you think you have to. I mean. What?”
From Ryan’s confused expression, that little speech had made as much sense to him as it had to Brendon. “We have to have sex,” he said insistently, “Or Spencer will be sad.”
God, he hadn’t noticed it before what with the whole Ryan not talking to him thing, but the kid was messed up. “Don’t!” said Brendon when Ryan stepped towards him again. “Stop there! I don’t… I don’t really understand what’s going on here, but we’re not having sex. Just. No.”
“No?” Ryan asked, saying the word softly like he’d never heard it before. “You don’t want to be friends?”
What the fuck? Brendon was trying to think of some intelligent response to that, but all he managed was opening and closing his mouth a bunch of times. Before he could attempt anything more than that, Ryan had turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.
Brendon collapsed onto his bed, feeling cold and shaky. “Aw, geez,” he mumbled.
It took a few minutes of unfocused mental babbling before Brendon had collected himself enough to do anything. He wandered out of his room with only the vaguest of intentions to go somewhere he could freak out in private. Ray hurried past as he was standing there, though, and that distracted him.
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
“Yep,” Ray replied. Brendon noticed that he seemed kind of worked up about something, but was still too wound up to give any deep thought to it. “Where are you going?” he asked as he found himself following Ray.
“Somewhere I can be alone,” Ray said.
That sounded perfect. It was exactly what Brendon wanted, as well. “Mind if I come with you?” he asked, not waiting for Ray to reply before falling into step beside him.
Brendon thought Ray wasn’t all that happy about having him tag along. He felt slightly bad about it, up until Ray led them into a small room which was full of musical instruments. Brendon felt his jaw drop. He hadn’t known there was anything like this in the factory. It was amazing.
There was also another man in the room, and Brendon would have felt a little bad for basically ignoring him, but he didn’t because music.
Some of the instruments he’d played before. Years ago, he’d tried every instrument he could find at his school and in the back of the church hall. Some he’d actually had lessons on, others he’d just messed around with. There were instruments here that he’d never even seen before, and he was overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of trying them out. But he forgot about that when he spotted the piano.
The piano was the first instrument he’d learned, and the one he’d been best at. He wasn’t sure if it was his favourite, but it was familiar and comforting and reminded him of being free. He sat down on the stool and touched the keys with shaky fingers, reluctant to try playing anything in case it turned out he couldn’t.
It was okay, though. He remembered a lot. Not everything, but enough that he played for a long time before running out of things to do. Then he unearthed a box full of sheet music and he was in heaven all over again. His music reading was rusty, but he tried everything he thought he could manage and then started in on the other instruments in the room.
Eventually, he came out of his trance and realized that Ray and the other guy - Mikey - were still sitting in the room, engaged in a serious discussion. Ray looked up when Brendon stopped playing, fixing him with an unreadable look.
“We have to go and talk to Schecter,” he said, getting to his feet and pulling Mikey up too.
Brendon frowned, puzzled and curious. It had to be getting close to midnight, and Schecter was sure to be asleep. But if Ray said he needed to go see him right then, that was what he was going to do. Brendon wasn’t about to interfere. He watched them leave, and continued exploring the music room.
He didn’t want to leave, but eventually he got tired. It was one of their nights off, and it would be a shame to waste it by not catching up on any sleep. Assuming he was able to get to sleep.
Brendon hoped that it was late enough that everyone would be sleeping once he got back to the quarters. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Since they had been working night shifts for several weeks, everyone was accustomed to nocturnal hours, and most of the crew was still awake. Brendon skulked to his room, hoping to escape notice. It took a long time for him to fall asleep, but eventually he managed it.
In the morning, things appeared to have happened. Mikey was hanging out on the couch in the living area, looking awkward, and Gabe appeared to be on the receiving end of some sort of sendoff.
“They’re moving him out to do some other job,” Jon explained when he saw Brendon’s curious look. “Mikey’s taking his spot.”
That was sort of unusual. “Doesn’t Mikey already have a crew?” Brendon asked.
Jon shrugged. “Apparently Andrew’s crew is getting split up,” he said. “They’re shifting everyone around, and we’re getting Mikey.”
Brendon nodded, wondering what had happened to cause that. Jon must not know, or he would have said.
He started towards the couch, meaning to welcome Mikey, but halfway there he noticed that Ryan was sitting next to him, and they were talking. He turned on his heel and headed back to his room, hoping that no one had noticed.
Jon had, of course, the observant bastard. “Everything okay?” he asked as Brendon hurried past. His expression was sympathetic, and Brendon hated him for it.
“Everything’s fine,” he said over his shoulder. “I have to go.”
He was resting in his room - resting, not hiding, when Jon appeared at the door. “Hey, Jon,” said Brendon, trying for casual. “What’s up?”
“What happened between you and Ryan?” Jon asked.
“What? Huh? What are you talking about?” Brendon babbled. He could feel his face heating up. Oh, god, he couldn’t tell Jon. Jon would tell Spencer, and Spencer would murder him.
“Everyone knows something happened,” Jon said. “But Ryan won’t talk about it. Spencer’s been pissy all day because of it.”
“Nothing happened,” said Brendon, aiming for convincing but hitting desperate instead.
“Uh huh,” says Jon, sounding completely unconvinced. He steps into the room and sits on Bob’s bed, leaning back against the wall. “Did he crack on to you?”
“What? No!” Brendon shrieks.
Jon nods sagely. “Thought so,” he says.
“He didn’t, Jon, are you even listening?”
“It was pretty obvious,” Jon goes on as though he hasn’t spoken. “The way you two have been acting. It would be cute, if it wasn’t so pathetic.”
“You’re a jerk,” Brendon says weakly. Jon obviously isn’t going to let him deny everything, because he is a jerk. “Don’t try to help, or anything. Just sit there and make jokes. I’ll be fine.”
“Aw, Bren.” Jon smiles at him fondly. “Don’t worry, it’s all gonna be okay.”
Brendon looks back at him skeptically. “Yeah?” he asks. “I think, when Spencer finds out, it’s going to be really not okay. But thanks for trying.”
Jon is still smiling but his eyes are more serious as he says, “Geez, what did you do? Must have been something special.”
“No, not… I didn’t do anything, exactly. Ryan kissed me, and I stopped him. But he said I’d been looking at him like, I dunno. Like I wanted him. I made him feel like he had to.”
“No, Brendon, no.” Smile completely gone now, Jon moves across to sit beside Brendon on his bed. “Look, Ryan, he… he’s kinda fucked up, right? I mean, that’s not your fault.”
“Sure, but, I keep screwing things up with him. Like the day before yesterday, when I touched him. I should be more careful.”
“Okay,” Jon said slowly, “But it’s still not your fault. Sure, Ryan was upset, and Spencer kind of overreacted, but they understand that you didn’t mean to upset him. It’s not that big a deal.”
“It is,” Brendon argues. He doesn’t really want to sit in his room spewing out all his self pity and insecurity onto Jon, but it’s getting harder and harder to hold back. “I fuck everything up, all the time. I make people hate me.”
“So…” Jon looks at him for a moment. “So, you make one mistake, and then you can’t have friends anymore?”
Brendon doesn’t bother replying to that, because the way Jon said it, it’s clear he thinks that’s stupid. It’s the way it’s always been for Brendon, though. Slaves could never really expect to be forgiven for their mistakes. They weren’t supposed to make mistakes. If they did, they caused problems for their masters and fellow slaves. Before he’d been a slave, it hadn’t really been any different. His actions, his behavior, reflected on his parents, and if he did something wrong it made them look bad. He’d always tried, but he hadn’t been able to avoid disappointing them over and over. Losing Ryan’s friendship doesn’t bother him so much, because they weren’t ever really friends at all. It was more like losing the potential of friendship. Spencer, on the other hand, has been his friend for nearly a year. Spencer has put up with all his annoying habits, for all that time. But this is too big.
Jon reads more from his silence than Brendon intends to give away. “God, Brendon,” he says, reaching out. “Come here.” He pulls Brendon into a hug, and Brendon lets himself slouch limply against Jon’s side. “No one hates you, dumbass,” he says in a falsely light voice. “Except maybe you. You should cut that out.”
Brendon lets out a watery sounding chuckle, and Jon clutches him tighter. “We are going to go out and get dinner soon,” says Jon. “And then I’ll show you that things are not nearly as bad as you thing they are. Spencer just wants Ryan to be okay, and the two of you to get along. And Ryan really likes you. He just doesn’t know how to show that, except for what he did yesterday. So we’ll have to teach him. Me and Spencer. And you two, but you’ve got to stop worrying so much about pleasing everyone, all the time. Tom pisses me off sometimes, but I’m still friends with him right? And Spencer sure gets annoyed with Ryan sometimes, but he hasn’t stopped being Ryan’s friend, right?”
“That’s different,” says Brendon, because it has to be.
“No, it’s not,” Jon says easily. “I’ll show you. I’ll show you.”
Fandom: Bandom
Pairings: Gen-ish, pre-Brendon/Ryan/Jon/Spencer
Word count: 5926
Warnings: Slavery, references to sex slavery, sexual abuse and underage.
Summary: Brendon is sure he can figure out what the best friend-making strategy is. It's actually doing it that will be a challenge.
Author's notes: This was written for the 'lost childhood' square for hc_bingo
One day, Brendon heads to the factory floor for work, and when he gets there he finds Spencer and Ray with the guy who’s supposed to be filling in. Spencer is vibrating with an excitement that Brendon isn’t used to seeing from people who aren’t him. He grabs Brendon’s forearms and shakes them rapidly.
“Ryan!” he says. “Ryan! Ryan!”
“Huh?” Brendon asks, because he’s a little slow to catch on.
“Ryan is here!” Spencer says, and then Brendon understands.
Spencer talks about Ryan a lot. When Spencer was younger, he’d been a domestic slave, and one day the master bought a bedslave. The bedslave was Ryan, and he became Spencer’s closest friend. Later, they had been sold and Spencer hadn’t seen Ryan for a long time, but had never forgotten about him. Seeing Spencer now, seeing how excited and happy he is, Brendon realises for the first time how much Spencer has missed Ryan.
They get to work, but Spencer is hardly concentrating at all and twice Brendon barely manages to stop him from stapling his own thumbs together. When it’s time for their ten minute break, Spencer insists on racing back to the temporary quarters to see Ryan again.
Brendon offers to go with him, but Spencer shakes his head and says, “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry about it,” and Brendon is sensitive enough to realise that maybe Spencer wants a few minutes alone with his friend.
After that, Ryan apparently starts a shift with the next crew over, and Spencer drives everyone up the wall trying to swap things around so he can take his breaks at the same time as Ryan. Eventually Frank rolls his eyes and gives in, because they can all see how much this means to Spencer.
The second their shift is over Spencer is at Ray to get Ryan moved into their quarters permanently. After all the excitement and anticipation, Brendon isn’t sure exactly what he’s expecting when he finally meets Ryan for the first time.
Ryan, as it turns out, is kind of amazing. He’s very thin, with a sharply angled jaw, and he’s tense as he stands in the doorway while Spencer points out everything of interest in the quarters. Brendon’s been anxious to meet him, because Ryan is obviously important to Spencer, and what’s important to Spencer is important to Brendon. So he goes up to Ryan and says, “Hey, I’m Brendon!” He tries to tone it down a little bit, because he knows he can come on strong to people sometimes. But he wants to make sure Ryan knows he’s welcome, as well. It’s hard to find the right balance.
Ryan just says, “Uh, hi.” He doesn’t look at Brendon or take the hand that he’s offered to shake. Ryan is obviously more of an understated kind of guy. Brendon can deal with that. He tries to slouch against the wall in a way that looks sort of natural, and says, “Cool shirt.” He’s trying for the same detached tone Ryan was using, but instead it comes out sounding insincere, almost snide. He winces, but Ryan doesn’t seem to notice. He doesn’t react at all. Spencer gives him a look, but Spencer looks at everyone like that, so Brendon’s not too worried.
After that, they have to sort out a room for Ryan. Spencer obviously wants Ryan to share his room. He’s been sharing with Brendon since he came to the factory months earlier, but Brendon can adjust. He offers to take the empty spot in Ray’s room, but Ray looks sort of pained at the suggestion and then Frank says he’ll share with Ray, and Brendon can share with Bob. Everyone’s happy.
Brendon goes to move his things and Spencer hustles Ryan into the room to get him settled in. Brendon tries not to feel too much like he’s being unceremoniously discarded. Spencer’s just excited, he knows that, and Ryan is clearly not comfortable with so many people being around. It makes sense that he wants to give Ryan a chance to take everything in. It’s not that Spencer suddenly wants to not be friends any more.
The best thing for Brendon to do, then, would obviously be to chill out and give Spencer and Ryan some space. It’s ten am by the time all the arrangements are made with the rooms, and Brendon should be tired. He is tired, really, it’s just that he’s a bit too wound up for sleeping. He lies in his new bed for an hour or so, listening to Bob snore and wondering what Ryan and Spencer are doing. He doesn’t fall asleep, though, and he gets hungry, so eventually he gets up and goes to the kitchen to get some cereal.
It’s quiet in the living area and Brendon puts the TV on at a low volume and watches some cartoons. He gets bored after about twenty minutes, which is what usually happens, and he starts looking around for something else to do.
When Brendon looks behind him, though, he sees Ryan standing against the wall, where he can see both Brendon and the television screen.
“Hey!” Brendon exclaims, because he’s forgotten everything he’d observed about Ryan when they met a few hours earlier. Ryan looks startled but manages a nod. “You wanna watch anything?” Brendon asks, holding up the remote control. Ryan shrugs, and gives the remote a curious glance, which Brendon takes as his cue to explain how it works. He shows Ryan how to change channels and turn the set on and off, and then he tries to get Ryan to take the remote and try it for himself.
“That’s okay,” says Ryan, huddling back against the wall. “I never really watch TV anyway. I don’t think there’s any show I want to watch.”
“Are you sure?” Brendon asks. “On Thursdays they’re playing this series about sharks. Sharks! It’s awesome. I’m usually sleeping when it’s on, but. Well. Not today.”
“I’m sure,” Ryan says quietly. “I’m gonna go back to bed now.” He turns and heads back down the hall, and Brendon is slightly disappointed. He flicks the TV on and finds the shark documentary, but it’s a lot less appealing now that Ryan’s left. It’s because Brendon’s overdoing it again. He knows that he gets on everyone’s nerves from time to time. Usually he can control himself better. It’s just that he very much wants Ryan to like him. Unfortunately, wanting that seems to bring out the exact behaviours which will make Ryan not like him. It’s a paradox.
Brendon sadly contemplates this for around fifteen minutes, which is about all the sad contemplation he can take in one sitting. After that he starts looking around for something else to do.
There’s not really a lot to do. The quarters are comfortable and Brendon’s never been any other place that provides non-telekinetic televisions for its slaves. He’s not complaining. But he’s found that there’s only so much TV a person can watch before it gets old.
He reads books sometimes. There’s a little room set up like a library closer to the factory floor, and they’re all allowed to borrow whatever books they want. Brendon’s borrowed and read quite a few books, but often he’s too restless to read, and now is one of those times.
Sometimes, there are classes. Lessons in basic things like reading and simple math. Spencer goes to them, because he never learned how to read when he was young. Sometimes Brendon goes along too, because he hasn’t been to school since he was ten. The classes are a lot more fun than he remembers school being, but Brendon thinks it’s really Spencer and his other friends that make it fun.
Brendon thinks that with all the time he’s got to himself, while everyone else is sleeping, he should be able to come up with a foolproof plan to make Ryan like him. He thinks of a heap of ridiculous and over the top schemes, but he can at least recognize when his imagination is running away with him, and rein it in. In the end, he figures a simple plan is the way to go. He’s not going to get Ryan to like him by acting like his usual self. He’s got to try to act like the adult he supposedly is. That means no goofing around. No playing up his klutziness to make Spencer laugh. No rambling. No climbing all over everyone on the sofa. No stupid jokes. He’s going to be mature, sensible, and generally like the sort of person Ryan, or anyone else, would not be embarrassed to know.
************
The problem with this plan is that those are all things that Brendon tries to do most of the time anyway, and he never quite manages to succeed. He tends to resolve anew every few days to act like less of a child and be a bit easier for everyone to get along with, but there’s never much time that passes before he notices Ray rolling his eyes or William shaking his head, and realises that he’d accidentally created a mess in the kitchen when he hadn’t even been cooking anything, or derailed a conversation onto some topic no one else cared about. This time, though, he’s determined to make it work.
He manages to keep it up for about a day. This is largely because he spends a lot of time by himself; more than usual. Spencer’s still busy with Ryan, and Brendon’s trying to give them time. He could hang out with Jon instead, but Jon has a lot of friends besides Brendon and Spencer, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect Jon to neglect them just so he could entertain Brendon. So Brendon is quiet for most of the day, but the problem is he’s not getting to know Ryan, and that’s not helping with the plan.
So, after their shift, Spencer heads off to a class, and Ryan goes with him. Brendon tags along, because he hasn’t been to one in a while and it’s a good excuse to hang out with Spencer and Ryan without being obvious about it.
An old guy named Jacob runs the writing classes. He passes around some copies of books for them to share, and everyone pairs up. Spencer pairs up with Ryan, of course. It’s fine; Brendon looks around but Jon hasn’t come with them today, and there’s an odd number of people in the group, so he winds up without a partner. That could work. Brendon looks back to Spencer, wondering if he can persuade him to make it a group of three.
“Got a book to yourself,” Spencer observes with a smile. “Lucky you.”
Well, that’s fine then. Brendon nods and opens up his book, trying not to let his hurt show. He knows it’s stupid to feel that way. It’s obvious to everyone that Ryan’s not okay and Spencer is incredibly protective of him. It’s not that Spencer doesn’t trust Brendon, exactly, it’s just that he’s not sure yet if he can trust Brendon not to hurt Ryan. He doesn’t trust anyone to not hurt Ryan.
Jacob gets them to take turns reading aloud. It’s a very mixed group; some of them, like Brendon, can read quite well. Others, like Spencer, are still slow and struggle with difficult words. Usually Brendon helps him, but today Ryan does, so he can obviously read. Brendon wonders whether Jacob will ask Ryan to read and what Spencer will do if he does. He’s sort of intrigued by the impending standoff, but it doesn’t eventuate. Jacob gets Spencer to read a page, and then he tilts his head towards Ryan, still looking at Spencer. Spencer nudges Ryan’s shoulder, and Ryan reads the next page in a clear voice. He speaks softly, in a monotone, but he doesn’t stumble once.
It’s Brendon’s turn after that, so he begins to read, adopting a different ridiculous voice for each character and cramming as much drama into his reading as he can. A few of the other voids chuckle as they listen; Spencer would normally laugh, but today he just frowns and looks disapproving. Ryan doesn’t react at all beyond a faint quirk of his lips. Brendon finishes the page and wonders why Spencer is so serious. Maybe he thinks Brendon was making fun of Ryan’s lack of inflection. He wasn’t; he just thought it would be funny. Then Brendon realizes that he’s completely lost track of his plan, and he’s so frustrated with himself that he doesn’t pay attention to anything else for the rest of the lesson.
When the lesson ends, Spencer and Ryan disappear. Literally.
Okay, not literally. They don’t fade away before Brendon’s eyes or anything. But he can’t find them anywhere, so Brendon decides to stay in the quarters and practice being less of an idiot.
He sits in the living area and reads a newspaper, because that is something that grown-ups seem to enjoy. Ray walks in and does a double-take, which Brendon thinks is slightly unwarranted, but whatever.
“Anything interesting?” Ray asks.
“No,” Brendon sighs. Reading the news would suck a lot less if anything cool was happening.
“Is everything okay?” Ray says next. Brendon is maybe more surprised than he should be. Ray’s a good guy; he cares about everyone getting along, and Andy asked him to keep an eye on things. Ray’s not the sort of person to take responsibility like that lightly.
That doesn’t mean Brendon’s going to go confiding in him, though. He and Ray just don’t talk all that much. Brendon just smiles and nods. While Ray doesn’t look totally satisfied with this, he does let it go.
Over the next few days, Brendon makes no progress getting Ryan to like him. When they sit around as a group during the day, Brendon tries to include Ryan in the conversation, but he never replies and always looks uncomfortable, so eventually Brendon stops trying. He’s still working on the new personality he’s been trying to adopt. It doesn’t seem to be making much of an impression. Everyone seems to have noticed what he’s doing, except for Ryan. Brendon can feel everyone’s eyes on him when he has to pinch the skin between his fingers to keep himself still, or when he has to quickly pull out a notebook to write down the monologue which is just bursting to come out of his mouth.
Ryan, on the other hand, only seems to notice Brendon when he screws up, and accidentally launches the book Jon’s trying to read across the room while trying to demonstrate how to do a somersault onto the sofa. He catches Ryan watching him then, with a raised eyebrow and a little smirk on his lips. Brendon blushes and glares at Ryan. He can’t help it; it’s really embarrassing, and the knowledge that Ryan is inwardly laughing at him makes it worse. Ryan notices his glare and quickly looks away; Spencer notices the two of them and glares back at Brendon, but he’s Spencer and so he is much, much better at it.
Everyone seems content to watch Brendon make a fool of himself, except for Ray who was too busy worrying about… Brendon isn’t sure exactly what, except that it’s his fault. Eventually, after a particularly bad day, when Ryan had walked into the kitchen, seen Brendon and walked out again in a very obvious way, William intervenes.
“Listen, Brendon,” he says seriously. “I know you mean well, but you’ve got to give Ryan more space.”
Brendon listens intently, because William was a bedslave once, before he wound up at Aeon. If anyone knows what’s going on in Ryan’s head, it will be him.
William looks at him sort of expectantly, so Brendon says honestly, “I just want him to like me.”
William nods. “Sure.” He tilts his head at Brendon. “But Ryan… he isn’t even sure if he’s safe here or not. You’ve got to wait.”
“No one here’s going to hurt him,” Brendon says, surprised.
“He doesn’t know that,” says William. “Bedslaves… don’t usually have other slaves around they can trust. Ryan’s probably used to being on his own, not having people he can rely on.”
Brendon took that in and felt bad for Ryan. Even when things had been bad for him, he’d always known that there was a certain amount of solidarity between slaves. He’d never been totally alone.
“I want to be the sort of person he can trust,” Brendon says, surprising himself.
William looks at him with a sharper gaze than Brendon is used to. “You are,” he said. “You don’t have to change yourself to be trustworthy, you know that don’t you?”
Brendon laughed nervously. “Sure,” he says. “Who’s more trustworthy than a freak with a five second attention span?”
That was a little melodramatic, even for Brendon, so he waves off William’s concern and goes to distract himself by cleaning the bathroom. They really don’t clean it as often as they should, so there’s probably a good couple hours of work in it, enough to dissuade anyone from hanging around and asking annoying questions.
He takes William’s advice seriously, though, and swaps with Jon so that he’s not taking breaks with Spencer and Ryan anymore. Ryan doesn’t seem to notice, and while Spencer definitely does, Brendon hopes that if he pretends everything is normal, eventually it will be.
In the morning, they’re all heading back to their quarters to sleep and Spencer actually leaves Ryan’s side for five minutes to talk to Brendon. When Brendon sees Spencer in front of him and automatically looks around for Ryan, he realizes how long it’s been since he’s seen Spencer by himself, and how much he misses just being able to hang out with his friend.
“You’re acting weird,” says Spencer. He never beats around the bush.
“I’m not,” says Brendon automatically, but Spencer just gives him a look until he caves. “I think I annoy Ryan,” he admits eventually, “And I don’t want to be a pain or anything, but I keep screwing it up. I thought it might be better if I backed off a bit.”
Spencer looks at him like he’s speaking a foreign language. “Don’t be stupid,” he says. “Ryan thinks you don’t like him.” Brendon opens his mouth to dispute that, but Spencer just carries on. “I was worried you were angry with me.”
“Why?”
“Because. I know, since Ryan got here, I’ve been sort of ignoring everyone else. I’ve been a shitty friend.”
“No!” says Brendon at once. “Ryan needs you, you’re looking out for him.” It really hadn’t occurred to Brendon to resent the way Spencer’s attention had been monopolized. He’d been a bit sad about it, hurt, maybe, if he let himself admit it. But he’d never thought it was anything other than Spencer doing what he needed to.
That talk lifted Brendon’s spirits considerably, and when he woke up in the afternoon and Spencer suggested making fettuccine with pumpkin and chili sauce, Brendon happily jumped in, helping to chop and stir. Everything was going smoother, and the more time which passed without mishap, the more excited Brendon got about it. He bounced to the fridge and back to get some garlic, playfully bumping into Jon as he returned. He passed Spencer the onion he’d chopped and ruffled his hair while Spencer cursed at him. And then he walked around the bench to where Ryan was sitting on a stool and watching them. He leaned up against Ryan’s side and put a hand on his shoulder, not realizing until Ryan cringed away that he’d crossed a line.
Brendon stepped away at once, stammering apologies when he saw how much he’d freaked Ryan out. It didn’t help, and Spencer was enormously pissed. Ryan just sat there, huddled and… and shaking. Shit.
Spencer hustled Ryan out of the room, shooting a death glare over his shoulder as he did so. Brendon stood in the middle of the kitchen, his shoulders tight, fully aware that everyone was looking at him and waiting to see what he would do. He thought if he waited too long, he might do something (more) humiliating, like cry, so he turned the other direction and walked away.
There were courtyards all up and down the section of the building which contained the living quarters, to allow natural light into the rooms. Their quarters had a garden on one side and some basketball hoops on the other. Brendon’s favourite, though, was a courtyard which contained a lawn area and a few trees. It was small and the trees only little, but there was at least the illusion of open space, and there wasn’t usually anyone else there. It was a good place to pace or run laps without annoying anyone, and that was what Brendon did until he was too tired to think anymore.
Working that night was agonizing. It was much like the night before, but worse because Spencer was consciously, and obviously, keeping himself between Brendon and Ryan. Every so often, Jon would look around, catch Brendon’s eye and give him a sympathetic glance. It was nice of him, but it really didn’t make Brendon feel any better. Ryan didn’t look up from the work table at all, and Brendon tried to do the same, to focus on just getting his work done, but he couldn’t just shut off his awareness of everyone else in the room.
He had more or less abandoned his Get-Ryan-to-Like-Me plan, and now he was operating on more of a Hope-Ryan-Forgets-I-Exist plan. He spent the next day sleeping, or trying to sleep but actually tossing and turning, and then reading in his room. It was early evening when someone appeared in his doorway.
Brendon looked up from his book and his jaw dropped. The last person he’d been expecting to see at his door was Ryan, but there he was.
“Uh… hi?” Brendon said intelligently.
Ryan sort of nodded at him, but didn’t respond in any other way. He stepped into the room and his eyes flicked up to meet Brendon’s for a second, before dropping back to somewhere around chin level.
Brendon licked his lips and wondered what to do. Having Ryan approach him like this would have delighted him a couple of days ago. On the other hand, Ryan wasn’t saying or doing anything, and Brendon had no idea what he was supposed to do.
Brendon sat up and Ryan took a step closer to the bed. His hands clenched and unclenched, and finally he spoke.
“Uh,” said Ryan. “Spencer is kind of pissed at me that we’re not friends.”
“Wha… huh?” Brendon must have heard that wrong. “I don’t think Spencer is mad at you.”
Ryan seemed to consider that for maybe three seconds. “No, he is,” he said decisively. “He wants all of us to get along, and I’m all. You know, stupid.”
Brendon opened his mouth to protest that, but got distracted when Ryan sat beside him on the bed. He perched on the edge like a bird about to take off, like he was ready to spring away any second. Then he put one hand on Brendon’s knee.
“Um, Ryan?”
“You want me, right? I can tell.”
Brendon froze halfway through shaking his head. A denial froze in his throat. It hadn’t occurred to him to think of Ryan that way. Sure, he was good looking, Brendon couldn’t help but notice it. But he’d also clearly been through some horrendous shit, and Brendon hadn’t allowed himself to even consider whether there might be anything more to his attraction.
Brendon was still trying to find an appropriate way to put all that into words when Ryan grabbed his shoulders and pressed their lips together. He sat frozen through the kiss for the first few seconds, then gently pulled away.
“What… are you doing?” he asked finally, not being able to phrase his question any more eloquently than that.
Ryan just looked confused. “Spencer wants us to get along,” he said. “You like me. I want to make Spencer happy.”
That gave Brendon the jolt he needed to get up and step away from Ryan. “No,” he said. “No, no no no no.”
Ryan just looked mad at Brendon’s lack of cooperation. “Spencer’s going to be pissed,” he said.
“I really don’t think he will be,” Brendon said. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a freak. I know I’m not the easiest guy to get along with. But I really don’t think Spencer would be happy with us having sex. I mean, not if you’re just doing it because you think you have to. I mean. What?”
From Ryan’s confused expression, that little speech had made as much sense to him as it had to Brendon. “We have to have sex,” he said insistently, “Or Spencer will be sad.”
God, he hadn’t noticed it before what with the whole Ryan not talking to him thing, but the kid was messed up. “Don’t!” said Brendon when Ryan stepped towards him again. “Stop there! I don’t… I don’t really understand what’s going on here, but we’re not having sex. Just. No.”
“No?” Ryan asked, saying the word softly like he’d never heard it before. “You don’t want to be friends?”
What the fuck? Brendon was trying to think of some intelligent response to that, but all he managed was opening and closing his mouth a bunch of times. Before he could attempt anything more than that, Ryan had turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.
Brendon collapsed onto his bed, feeling cold and shaky. “Aw, geez,” he mumbled.
It took a few minutes of unfocused mental babbling before Brendon had collected himself enough to do anything. He wandered out of his room with only the vaguest of intentions to go somewhere he could freak out in private. Ray hurried past as he was standing there, though, and that distracted him.
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
“Yep,” Ray replied. Brendon noticed that he seemed kind of worked up about something, but was still too wound up to give any deep thought to it. “Where are you going?” he asked as he found himself following Ray.
“Somewhere I can be alone,” Ray said.
That sounded perfect. It was exactly what Brendon wanted, as well. “Mind if I come with you?” he asked, not waiting for Ray to reply before falling into step beside him.
Brendon thought Ray wasn’t all that happy about having him tag along. He felt slightly bad about it, up until Ray led them into a small room which was full of musical instruments. Brendon felt his jaw drop. He hadn’t known there was anything like this in the factory. It was amazing.
There was also another man in the room, and Brendon would have felt a little bad for basically ignoring him, but he didn’t because music.
Some of the instruments he’d played before. Years ago, he’d tried every instrument he could find at his school and in the back of the church hall. Some he’d actually had lessons on, others he’d just messed around with. There were instruments here that he’d never even seen before, and he was overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of trying them out. But he forgot about that when he spotted the piano.
The piano was the first instrument he’d learned, and the one he’d been best at. He wasn’t sure if it was his favourite, but it was familiar and comforting and reminded him of being free. He sat down on the stool and touched the keys with shaky fingers, reluctant to try playing anything in case it turned out he couldn’t.
It was okay, though. He remembered a lot. Not everything, but enough that he played for a long time before running out of things to do. Then he unearthed a box full of sheet music and he was in heaven all over again. His music reading was rusty, but he tried everything he thought he could manage and then started in on the other instruments in the room.
Eventually, he came out of his trance and realized that Ray and the other guy - Mikey - were still sitting in the room, engaged in a serious discussion. Ray looked up when Brendon stopped playing, fixing him with an unreadable look.
“We have to go and talk to Schecter,” he said, getting to his feet and pulling Mikey up too.
Brendon frowned, puzzled and curious. It had to be getting close to midnight, and Schecter was sure to be asleep. But if Ray said he needed to go see him right then, that was what he was going to do. Brendon wasn’t about to interfere. He watched them leave, and continued exploring the music room.
He didn’t want to leave, but eventually he got tired. It was one of their nights off, and it would be a shame to waste it by not catching up on any sleep. Assuming he was able to get to sleep.
Brendon hoped that it was late enough that everyone would be sleeping once he got back to the quarters. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Since they had been working night shifts for several weeks, everyone was accustomed to nocturnal hours, and most of the crew was still awake. Brendon skulked to his room, hoping to escape notice. It took a long time for him to fall asleep, but eventually he managed it.
In the morning, things appeared to have happened. Mikey was hanging out on the couch in the living area, looking awkward, and Gabe appeared to be on the receiving end of some sort of sendoff.
“They’re moving him out to do some other job,” Jon explained when he saw Brendon’s curious look. “Mikey’s taking his spot.”
That was sort of unusual. “Doesn’t Mikey already have a crew?” Brendon asked.
Jon shrugged. “Apparently Andrew’s crew is getting split up,” he said. “They’re shifting everyone around, and we’re getting Mikey.”
Brendon nodded, wondering what had happened to cause that. Jon must not know, or he would have said.
He started towards the couch, meaning to welcome Mikey, but halfway there he noticed that Ryan was sitting next to him, and they were talking. He turned on his heel and headed back to his room, hoping that no one had noticed.
Jon had, of course, the observant bastard. “Everything okay?” he asked as Brendon hurried past. His expression was sympathetic, and Brendon hated him for it.
“Everything’s fine,” he said over his shoulder. “I have to go.”
He was resting in his room - resting, not hiding, when Jon appeared at the door. “Hey, Jon,” said Brendon, trying for casual. “What’s up?”
“What happened between you and Ryan?” Jon asked.
“What? Huh? What are you talking about?” Brendon babbled. He could feel his face heating up. Oh, god, he couldn’t tell Jon. Jon would tell Spencer, and Spencer would murder him.
“Everyone knows something happened,” Jon said. “But Ryan won’t talk about it. Spencer’s been pissy all day because of it.”
“Nothing happened,” said Brendon, aiming for convincing but hitting desperate instead.
“Uh huh,” says Jon, sounding completely unconvinced. He steps into the room and sits on Bob’s bed, leaning back against the wall. “Did he crack on to you?”
“What? No!” Brendon shrieks.
Jon nods sagely. “Thought so,” he says.
“He didn’t, Jon, are you even listening?”
“It was pretty obvious,” Jon goes on as though he hasn’t spoken. “The way you two have been acting. It would be cute, if it wasn’t so pathetic.”
“You’re a jerk,” Brendon says weakly. Jon obviously isn’t going to let him deny everything, because he is a jerk. “Don’t try to help, or anything. Just sit there and make jokes. I’ll be fine.”
“Aw, Bren.” Jon smiles at him fondly. “Don’t worry, it’s all gonna be okay.”
Brendon looks back at him skeptically. “Yeah?” he asks. “I think, when Spencer finds out, it’s going to be really not okay. But thanks for trying.”
Jon is still smiling but his eyes are more serious as he says, “Geez, what did you do? Must have been something special.”
“No, not… I didn’t do anything, exactly. Ryan kissed me, and I stopped him. But he said I’d been looking at him like, I dunno. Like I wanted him. I made him feel like he had to.”
“No, Brendon, no.” Smile completely gone now, Jon moves across to sit beside Brendon on his bed. “Look, Ryan, he… he’s kinda fucked up, right? I mean, that’s not your fault.”
“Sure, but, I keep screwing things up with him. Like the day before yesterday, when I touched him. I should be more careful.”
“Okay,” Jon said slowly, “But it’s still not your fault. Sure, Ryan was upset, and Spencer kind of overreacted, but they understand that you didn’t mean to upset him. It’s not that big a deal.”
“It is,” Brendon argues. He doesn’t really want to sit in his room spewing out all his self pity and insecurity onto Jon, but it’s getting harder and harder to hold back. “I fuck everything up, all the time. I make people hate me.”
“So…” Jon looks at him for a moment. “So, you make one mistake, and then you can’t have friends anymore?”
Brendon doesn’t bother replying to that, because the way Jon said it, it’s clear he thinks that’s stupid. It’s the way it’s always been for Brendon, though. Slaves could never really expect to be forgiven for their mistakes. They weren’t supposed to make mistakes. If they did, they caused problems for their masters and fellow slaves. Before he’d been a slave, it hadn’t really been any different. His actions, his behavior, reflected on his parents, and if he did something wrong it made them look bad. He’d always tried, but he hadn’t been able to avoid disappointing them over and over. Losing Ryan’s friendship doesn’t bother him so much, because they weren’t ever really friends at all. It was more like losing the potential of friendship. Spencer, on the other hand, has been his friend for nearly a year. Spencer has put up with all his annoying habits, for all that time. But this is too big.
Jon reads more from his silence than Brendon intends to give away. “God, Brendon,” he says, reaching out. “Come here.” He pulls Brendon into a hug, and Brendon lets himself slouch limply against Jon’s side. “No one hates you, dumbass,” he says in a falsely light voice. “Except maybe you. You should cut that out.”
Brendon lets out a watery sounding chuckle, and Jon clutches him tighter. “We are going to go out and get dinner soon,” says Jon. “And then I’ll show you that things are not nearly as bad as you thing they are. Spencer just wants Ryan to be okay, and the two of you to get along. And Ryan really likes you. He just doesn’t know how to show that, except for what he did yesterday. So we’ll have to teach him. Me and Spencer. And you two, but you’ve got to stop worrying so much about pleasing everyone, all the time. Tom pisses me off sometimes, but I’m still friends with him right? And Spencer sure gets annoyed with Ryan sometimes, but he hasn’t stopped being Ryan’s friend, right?”
“That’s different,” says Brendon, because it has to be.
“No, it’s not,” Jon says easily. “I’ll show you. I’ll show you.”