[Fic] Hide and Seek

[danyellaskyler]

Title: Hide and Seek
Fandom: Naruto
Author: Danyella Skyler Silverfire
Website: Livejournal, Insanejournal, or Fanfiction.Net
Rating: R
Genre(s): Humor/Romance
Pairing(s): Kakashi/Iria (Read and find out)
Beta: Bronze Tigress
Summary: The ANBU got uppity and pissed off Iruka, who made a bet that he could hide in the village for one month without getting caught. Three days before the month of the bet starts, Iruka's cousin Iria comes back to Konoha and greatly confuses the issue as well as the citizens.
Warnings: Insanity, craziness, and someone actually managing to throw Kakashi for a loop for once. Not to mention the general abuse of ninjaness.
Disclaimer: Checks reality meter (it's remarkably Magic Eight Ball shaped). {{shake}}{{shake}} Do I own Naruto? Nope, still the right reality. Go eat a tuna sandwich instead. {{stares}} Damn.
Author's Note: I don't know where this came from, it just attacked me one day and I loved it and started writing it then. Then I hit writer's block about ten pages in and spent the next year struggling to finish it. Anyway, I find it funny and giggle whenever I reread it for brushing up on what I wrote, so I'm thinking others will like it too.
Renamed, because the title "The Iruka Bet" just annoyed me. I like this one better.
Word Count: 13,417


Hide and Seek

Setting the Scene

Now normally, a youngish unmarried woman is not safe to walk unescorted through a village full of soldiers. But as with most things, there are exceptions; ninja villages are some of these. Those young unmarried women are usually walking alone through the village for one very good reason: no one would be stupid enough to try anything or actually think they could get away with anything nefarious. Thus, the village was proud to boast a very expensive finishing school for young ladies within its town limits. But that has nothing to do with this story, so let's move on.

Konoha was in the middle of a rather annoying heat wave in early fall. It was hot, muggy, and there were giant monster mosquitoes escaping from the Forest of Death and attacking villagers. It had been a rather wet summer, so there were more blood suckers about than usual, although considering their size, they were easier to avoid. All in all, it was a rather typical September, right down to the proto-ninja chasing the aforementioned mosquitoes.

There was, however, one thing different this year: a certain set of jounin had finally pushed one Umino Iruka too far. The result was that Iruka had made a bet with the ANBU who had pushed him over the edge. Iruka would hide within the village limits for one month, and the ANBU would hunt him. Needless to say this was not helping the Godaime's gambling problem.

The terms of the bet were swiftly set; Iruka had a week in which to prepare for however he was going to hide before the hunt would start. Conveniently enough, one Umino Iria had just so happened to have returned to the village three days before the start of the hunt.

Iria is a rather... memorable woman, in more than just build. Not to mention, she's got an even more distinctive face than Iruka. She's five foot ten, has broad shoulders, dark overall coloring, and a loud personality.

Now that I've got the vagaries that would make her identical to Iruka out of the way, I'll get down to details. Her shoulders are a result of the fact that she is a swordswoman who favors heavier blades and as a result has built up quite a bit of muscle in her upper torso, adding to her already broad build.

Next item is her coloring. Iria is dark; however, unlike Iruka it's not a caramel dark, but more of an olive dark. Her hair is a coarse black that brushes her shoulders when its spikes aren't resisting gravity's efforts to get it to lie completely downwards. One of the major differences between Iria and Iruka though - other than gender - is the fact that unlike Iruka's own almost black eyes, Iria's are a startlingly clear and bright amethyst.

She like Iruka does have a distinctive facial scar, just more distinctive. Some time in the past decade something had clawed her across her nose and left cheek leaving three long, thick scars that almost reached the bottom of her jaw.

Iria tends to favor shirts that should more properly be on Ibiki or Asuma; not in design or color, but in sheer size. Dark red and brown shirts, occasionally with collars so wide that they show more than an ample amount of her modest bust. Or rather they would if she didn't have a penchant for wearing a tight tank top over her bra for "bouncing issues." Not that she would have had many anyway.

Uniform pants that have faded to a dark blue, due to repeated washings, and normal sandals complete her outfit. Her only apparent concession to femininity is a choker she always wears no matter what. She wears her hitai-ate loosely around her neck below the choker.

Physical aside, the major difference between Iria and Iruka is their personalities. Where Iruka's reserved, Iria's brash; he's cautious, she's reckless; he's polite, she's crass. Not all that similar at all, really.

Iruka always thought that Iria was the best prank he ever thought up.

Day One of Bet

Iria walked casually down the street with her hands deep in her pockets, whistling the theme song from the Icha Icha movie. Stopping on a corner, she looked around and found a mother holding her child's hand and glaring at her.

"Recognize the song, do you?" she asked, staring with her head tilted slightly as her bangs blew into her face.

The woman gasped and turned a bright red before turning and walking off down the street so fast her kid almost had to run to keep up.

Iria shrugged and looked around again before wandering off in another direction, whistling again. 'Such a nice day. I wonder if I should get some fireworks.' As she turned onto another street she was grabbed from behind by someone.

"That was rather stupid of you. I told you I would find you in a day," a deep voice growled in her ear.

Iria's eyebrow twitched in supreme annoyance before she went to elbow him in the throat only to have her arm caught. "What's your problem?" she demanded furiously.

"Drop the henge," the ANBU holding her arm ordered.

"Henge? I'll henge you!" she snarled, forming the hand of her captured arm into a seal.

"Hawk, look down," another man's even voice broke into their tense encounter.

Iria gave the ANBU, Hawk, a feral grin as he noticed that she was holding a knife in preparation to stab up into his heart from below his sternum. "I thought ANBU were supposed to be paranoid. The standards must be dropping atrociously low; although, I am really wondering about being accosted by my own village publicly."

"There's a bet," the second man informed her in the same bland tone.

"While that does explain the random accosting, it doesn't explain why you think I'm wearing a henge. I don't believe in using henge to cover scars; that's just vain."

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, Iruka," Hawk growled.

"Listen, Hawk, my name is Iria not Iruka, get it right. What's wrong with your eyes that you can't tell the difference between me and him? Notice the masculine frame of reference. I just got back three days ago, and this is the first time I've left my apartment. So let go, or you will find yourself with a permanent facial mold."

"That would be interesting to see." The bland tone had taken on an amused, curious edge.

"Let's just get this over with," Hawk said, letting go of Iria's arm and grabbing onto Iria's breasts.

Iria took a deep breath in shock - incidentally pushing her breasts deeper into the grabbing hands. 'Deep breath, control the rage. His hands are still on my breasts! KILL THE PERVERT!' Furious, Iria jumped forward, hands outstretched to act... or try to act as it turned out, as she was restrained from behind by the second man. She growled as she continued trying to lunge forward with killing intent and a feral snarl. 'Some things should just be done with your bare hands - including smiting!'

"What's your problem!?" Hawk demanded as he cringed up against the wall of the building behind him, while trying to hide the fact he was cringing.

"What do think my problem is? What I want to know is what your problem is!? You're not going to lose your virginity if that's your idea of showing interest!" Iria growled, lunging forward again with renewed vigor.

The second man had to readjust his grip as Iria almost managed to break loose. "If you really want revenge, try doing something he doesn't expect."

Iria's expression stilled suddenly, and before anyone knew what she was planning she had a hold of the second man's flak jacket and was throwing him at the ANBU, in a very basic over the shoulder throw. "Sometimes the basics are the best," Iria said smugly, eying the result.

The second man looked down at the unconscious Hawk and scratched the back of his head nervously. "Clever; using a Jounin's instincts as a weapon against another."

"Your attacking him by reflex was just a bonus." Iria looked closer at the man and leaned forward slightly. "Did you lose a fight in a bakery?"

"No... Why?" the man asked, confused.

"Because if you haven't, then you must be old to have hair that color."

"Umm... It's not that strange of a hair color around here. I'm only twenty-six."

"It isn't?" She looked up at the sky thoughtfully as she searched her memory. "Oh, right. How could I forget that? Oh well, smile and move on."

"You're... strange."

"Says the one that just knocked out an ANBU by reflex."

"It's not as surprising as you would think," was his dry response.

"I know. I just did it using you, didn't I?" Iria asked with a cocky grin.

"You remind me of someone."

"If you say Iruka I'm going to have to ask your intentions towards him."

He raised an eyebrow in question.

"Did a bird eat your eye or something?" Iria asked in a sudden shift in focus.

"Normal people don't ask."

"We just went over this."

"Right. Who are you if not Iruka?"

"You think I'm Iruka to? I don't look that manly, do I?" Iria asked as she looked down at herself. The baggy clothes, broad shoulders, and small breasts. "I suppose I can see it."

"Just a little."

"Just because I don't try to do all that froufrou stuff?"

"Partially; but that still doesn't say who you are, other than someone who bears a strong resemblance to Iruka."

"I thought you were supposed to introduce yourself first?"

"Hatake Kakashi."

"Are you sure?"

"What?"

"Wait a second." Iria reached into her belt pouch, pulled out her bingo book, and started swiftly flipping through. "Huh, you are. I always thought you'd be taller."

Kakashi blinked in surprise. "Eh?"

She tucked away the book again. "Well, since you haven't lived up to your reputation, I'm Umino Iria. Do you know a good place to get leeks?"

"Umm... what?"

"Leeks; like to make soup. You know, for dinner? That meal some people have towards the end of the day; usually after work."

"Actually..." Kakashi looked around thoughtfully before looking back at her. "No. I never buy leeks."

"Well, nice to meet you. Now I'm going to go look for leeks." Waving briefly with one hand, she turned and walked off, good mood returned.

Kakashi stood there in thoughtful silence before looking down at the unconscious Hawk. "I don't think that was Iruka. Not that I care to help with the bet. Strange woman; even by ninja standards."

If only Kakashi knew how true that was. But he didn't, so let's move on.

Day Four

Kakashi walked down the street on his way back from yet another day of boredom. Training had gone as planned... fortunately. With Naruto there's never a guarantee. He was sidetracked when he saw a small crowd gathered around a body on the sidewalk. That was actually unusual in Konoha - the crowd, not the body.

As he looked around a butcher he was surprised to see that it was Iria, and she was awake and lucid from what he could tell. Sliding through the crowd, he crouched down next to her head and leaned over, blocking her view.

"Hey, you're in my visual."

Kakashi twisted around and looked to where she had been then turned back. He informed her quite seriously, "There's nothing there."

"The clouds."

Kakashi twisted around again to stare at the surprisingly clear sky, that didn't even have a bird or insect obscuring the vast blueness. He turned back around and looked at her, confused. "What?"

"Well, you can't properly cloud gaze with clouds in the way."

Kakashi and the crowd stared at her in stunned silence. "What?"

"See? Right there is the scene described in Icha Icha Tactics, page 89, third paragraph." She pointed to a spot above a building down the street.

Turning, he followed her finger and stared hard at the empty sky before turning to the butcher. "The scary thing is I can see it." He frowned as his confusion deepened. "I wasn't aware that women normally admitted to reading Icha Icha."

"I've gotta be me, so I can admit to those things. Besides, I'm as normal as you."

"I'm not that normal."

"You're normal?" Iria looked at him in shocked surprise.

Kakashi barked out a startled laugh. "I suppose not at that."

"There is a frog eating ramen." She pointed at a spot of sky across the street, through an alleyway.

Kakashi stared down the alleyway seriously. "Okay, I can't see that one." He felt relief wash through him. 'I'm not as insane as I thought.'

"Well, that's just me." Iria shrugged and turned to look off in another direction.

"Excuse me, Miss?" one of the crowd asked tentatively now that Kakashi had proved she wasn't going to pull an Itachi or Orochimaru move and start randomly killing people.

"Yo?" Iria asked, looking at the speaker with clear amethyst eyes.

"Why are you cloud watching on the sidewalk?"

"Because we're in the middle of a heat wave and the ground heats up faster from body heat than pavement. So I'm lying in the shade on the pavement and have the illusion of being cool. Isn't a ninja's ability of self delusion a wonderful thing?" That last was said entirely too cheerfully with a very insane grin.

Kakashi looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before lying down on the sidewalk next to her. "Huh. It seems to work. I don't mind lying on the sidewalk staring at the sky if it cools me down."

"The ground's a little hard," someone said from where they had lain down.

"Obviously; it's cement," was the sarcastic reply.

Soon there were several people lying on the sidewalk in various modes of consciousness.

It was like that until a stray ninja found them and raised a panic, thinking that they had all been hit with some poison or ninjutsu.

As one of the civilians got up they accidentally kicked Iria in the thigh, causing her to snort and roll over towards Kakashi with an evil murmur of, "Roast chipmunk. Yum." She nuzzled against Kakashi's arm before giggling and chomping down on it.

Kakashi snapped awake with as little physical sign as possible to try and figure out what was biting him. The muffled evil giggles bothered him. They reminded him of one of his exes. Cautiously opening his eyes, he rolled his head to see that Iria had his right bicep in a death grip and was gnawing on his arm like it was particularly tough piece of jerky.

He reached over and hit Iria hard on the top of her head like he would a dog, startling her awake. She reflexively bit down, before consciousness returned and she let go to sit up and scratch at her prominent facial scar in embarrassment.

"Sorry." She frowned as she ran her tongue around in her mouth. "You need to wash your clothes."

"I have dogs."

"More so." She paused as she stared at a weed in the cement. "We're surrounded by irate ninja, aren't we?"

Kakashi looked around thoughtfully before answering, "Yes."

"It's probably my fault, huh?"

Kakashi looked around again, "Most likely, unless we missed something while we were napping."

"There's a medic-nin looming behind me, isn't there?"

Kakashi leaned over and looked behind her to stare at the angry medic-nin. "Yup."

"Right." Iria stood up and started dusting off her pants before placing her hands on the ground to kick the medic-nin in the stomach with both feet, flip forward to her feet, and run off, in a very spectacular act of cowardice.

"Interesting woman; I think she's crazier than me," Kakashi informed the gasping medic-nin in a friendly manner.

Day Six

Kakashi's next encounter with Iria was actually in one of the Jounin lounges. She was sitting on one of the couches reading - a normal enough activity in and of itself - except for the fact she was reading a pop-up book.

"I wasn't aware that there was a pop-up version of Icha Icha," Kakashi commented as he sat down across from her.

Iria looked up at him in surprise. "Eh? Oh, there isn't." She went back to moving the pop-up figures back and forth so that they were actually having a pop-up make out session.

Kakashi stared thoughtfully before finally asking the question that the situation demanded. "So where did you buy it?"

"Oh, I didn't buy it." Iria stopped playing with that page and moved on to the next one where they were actually having sex, from what Kakashi could see. She displayed admirable self-control when she made sure to carefully read what was on the page before playing with the pop-up.

Kakashi watched as he tried to figure out a question that would actually let him find out where he could get a copy for himself. As a collector, mind you.

At about that point, Raido wandered over with a cup of tea and sat himself next to Kakashi. As he took a drink he looked over at Iria, and started choking as he went red when he saw what she was doing.

"What the hell is that!?" Raido demanded as he got his breathing under control.

"A pop-up book," Kakashi answered blandly, giving Raido an incredulous look. 'I thought that was obvious.'

"Pop-up books don't have sex!" Raido said, pointing accusingly at Iria and said book.

"Then where do the baby pop-up books come from?" Iria asked in wide-eyed astonishment, as she sped up the motion of the pop-up figures.

"Raido, books don't have sex," Asuma said as he walked over. "What the hell is that!?" he demanded, his cigarette falling from his mouth as his jaw dropped when he spotted what Iria was doing. "Iria, you crazy bitch, where the hell did you get that?"

Iria looked up at him, all wide-eyed innocence. "I made it."

"Why?" he managed to choke out.

"Because it's like a movie only interactive; you can choose when they do it, and if you want you can skip that entire annoying plot." She gave them a rather lecherous grin as she made it look like they were approaching orgasm.

"I had hoped it was only a rumor that you were back in town," Asuma growled as he sat down next to her. "I thought you were only supposed to use your power for good."

"Where's the fun in that?" Iria gave him a mischievous grin before she started doing vocals for the pop-up.

Raido started choking again when she had the leading lady go, "Oh, Asuma... I mean Kenji!"

"Iria, I thought you said Asuma was too tall for you?" Genma asked as approached the group. "What the hell?"

"And... I'm done," Iria said, before stopping and closing the book with a snap.

"What the hell? I thought they were all confiscated," Genma said incredulously.

"No, those were the textbook pop-ups. This is one of my Icha Icha pop-ups," Iria said, flourishing the book cheerfully.

"Oh... Where do you find the time to make those?" Genma demanded.

Iria looked thoughtful. "I have... no idea. Anyway, this is book six for volume two of Icha Icha Paradise. It's hard to get a book that size down to a reasonable pop-up length. Size issues."

"Can I borrow it?" Genma enquired, smirking.

"Genma!" Asuma yelped. "You don't share porn like that. Let alone Iria porn."

"Sure. I have the entire book right here." Iria reached behind the couch, pulled over a bag, and plunked it heavily down on the table.

"Text book pop-ups?" Kakashi finally asked. It didn't make sense why a pop-up textbook would be confiscated.

"You know the advanced Sex Ed text books?" Genma asked.

"Ah. Say no more." Kakashi nodded as he prodded the bag with a foot.

"I don't see what was so wrong," Iria muttered with a pout.

"I'm not even going to comment," Asuma said dryly.

"So you're Iria?" Raido asked, leaning forward. "Genma's told me about you."

"I hope only dirty things." Iria gave him a toothy grin, before her expression blanked.

"What is it?" Raido asked, worried by the mood swing.

Iria's eyes flicked around briefly before coming to rest on Kakashi. "Anko's trying to court you, right?"

Asuma groaned and rubbed at his forehead. "Not this again."

Kakashi's eye flicked back and forth between Iria and Asuma. "I guess..."

Iria nodded decisively before flooring him. "I'll buy you dinner at a nice restaurant if you let me use you to one up Anko."

"Why?" Kakashi asked, curious.

"I need a reason?" Iria looked over at Asuma in shock. "Since when do I need a reason to one up Anko?"

"Iria... Don't get me involved again. The last time you involved me I ended up pole dancing, wearing only body paint and glitter. Dead drunk."

"And you looked so good like that."

Raido started choking again, causing Iria to look over at him worriedly.

"Are you bulimic?"

"Iria, it's tea," Genma gently pointed out.

"That's the worst kind of bulimia," Iria said solemnly.

Raido started laughing at the sheer weirdness that was Iria.

"What are you doing here?" Anko demanded as she stalked over to the little pop-up group.

"Leading a pop-up book appreciation society."

"I thought you had finally gotten those confiscated."

"Oh, I did. Thus the appreciation and not admiration part of the society."

"You are a pathetic cow of a woman."

"Does that mean I have four stomachs? 'Cause that sounds expensive. Just think of the surgery." Iria looked thoughtful as she counted something on her fingers.

"You get more insane all the time," Anko growled out.

"I think that means four boobs too. Wait, I already have those right now." Iria looked around at the guys. "One, two, three, four. Yup, four of them."

"You can't just randomly claim people as yours!" Anko snapped.

"You're just angry that I traded you to Kotetsu for that feather," Iria said fondly. Her tone made the people listening curious to know what she was so fond of.

"I am not! That was ten years ago, Iria."

"Well, you're kinda weird like that." Iria let out a disappointed sigh.

"I'm weird? What does that make you?" Anko yelped.

"Comfortable with my sexuality."

"Are you capable of carrying on a single conversation?"

"More than. I can carry on up to five at a time. Six if one's with you." Iria sounded pleased about that.

"You-!" Anko lunged forward only to be restrained by Genma.

"See? My boobs like me. Kakashi, want to play with my boobs?" the snarky and insane brunette asked, turning wide gem-toned eyes on the pale jounin.

Kakashi just lowered his face into his hand and started laughing.

"You're even stranger than Genma said," Raido said, eyeing her worriedly. "You're not going to light my uniform on fire are you?"

"No, I grew out of that phase of my pyromania. Maybe your underwear though," Iria said with a fond expression.

Raido eyed her distrustfully; he couldn't tell if she was serious or not. Genma's stories were not helping him here. From what he had been told, when you say right, she says fish. Genma claimed he hadn't had the opportunity to test that theory, though the concept appeared to be accurate enough.

"Iria, I think it's time to go get that dinner," Kakashi said once he could speak again.

"Eh? Oh, sure. Bye-bye the rest of my boobies. Anko." Iria jumped over the back of the couch and made for the door. "So I heard of this restaurant with good food and a floor show."

"Lead on, Hawk-killer."

"I thought that was you."

"It was a reflex that you used, so the kill is yours."

"That's so sweet. I'll have to get you a puppet."

"Puppet?" Kakashi asked as the door closed behind them.

Asuma sighed and lit a fresh cigarette. "This is going to be an interesting day. Kakashi's on a date, with Iria no less. Maybe Shikamaru will willingly run the obstacle course, and fully welcome in the apocalypse."

"They're dating?" Anko demanded with a slight twitch.

"How should I know?" Raido asked as he eyed his tea distrustfully. 'Tea always turns poisonous when it gets cold.' Shrugging, he downed the cold tea anyway; he might as well go out with a gasp instead of a scream.

'I can't believe I'm taking Kakashi on a date. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, that's right, one-upage.' Iria grumbled internally as she eyed the carriage that had just passed in front of them. "Wonder whose daughter that was."

"What?"

"The bitch training grounds."

"The higher class one or the lower class one?"

"The one where they train them to be proper well-bred whores."

"Ah yes, from the school the ANBU guard."

"Yup. You ever been in there?"

"Men aren't allowed on the grounds."

"I reiterate."

"I've never had the need."

"Yeah, me either." Iria stretched her arms over her head as she walked on. "Nice bath house though. Not to mention they have a pretty good porn highway going."

"Porn highway?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, look, we're here." Iria made a grand gesture at a modest restaurant that stood between a law office and fire house.

"Strange placement."

"The restaurant was here first; the fire house moved in next door after the tenth grease fire in a week at one of the tables, and the law office a year later to deal with the incurred law suits," Iria recited from a restaurant manual that, from what she could tell, was twenty years out of date. It was a good deal in the book shop that morning, though.

"And it's still open?" Kakashi asked, eying the building with renewed paranoia and distrust.

"Well, it wasn't like anyone gets hurt there more often than other restaurants; they just have problems with clumsiness. Thus the floorshow; it's a gimmick that no other restaurant has managed to steal with any success."

"So, you've eaten here before, Iria?"

"Nope!" With a cheerful grin she opened the door and preceded Kakashi into the restaurant, 'The Graceful Muse.' "Heard it's good though, just cheap flatware."

"Just where did you hear this?" Kakashi asked as he looked around at the modest, mostly civilian frequented restaurant.

"Sandaime. Yes, table for two and a half," Iria said to the hostess that approached them.

"And a half?" the hostess asked, confused.

"My invisible Iruka," was the immediate and unflinching explanation. 'I love getting that look. It makes this entire thing worth it.'

"Right, follow me please. Will a booth be alright?"

"That's fine. Does a mouth appear on the mold or something?"

"What?" the hostess asked, more confused, and maybe a little scared.

"I was asking Kakashi. I need to know how he's going to eat, so I know what to order him. I'm paying, you know." Iria gave the hostess and Kakashi a wide, mischievous smile.

The hostess returned the smile with a slightly nervous look before handing Iria the menus and hurrying off.

Kakashi sat himself in one of the seats and lowered his head into crossed arms on the table and started laughing. After a few minutes he gathered himself and looked up. "I can eat just fine. I do have a face you know."

"Really? I thought you were some sort of plant. I might not be able to eat as much as I thought." Iria frowned at the menu. "Damn."

"I'm not a plant. What made you think I had a mold?"

"The black stuff on your face. I thought it was some sort of weird facial mold you got from not taking proper care of yourself and everyone was just too polite to say anything."

Kakashi looked at Iria blankly before saying, "You're so full of shit."

"Thank you. Not many people say such nice things to me after such a brief acquaintance."

"Unless I'm misleading someone or making excuses to my personal demons, I don't lie," Kakashi said very blandly.

"Yeah, that's why I don't have a genin team. Well, that and that damn unfair council mandate." Iria got this evil grin as she held up one fist, "But one day! Yes, one day, I will find a way around that!"

Using Iria's distraction, Kakashi lowered his mask and started to browse the menu. As he was reaching for his glass of water Kakashi felt his companion staring at him. Looking up he saw the strange amethyst eyes staring at him with a perturbed expression. "What?"

"What's that?" Iria asked pointing at his cheek.

"My face?"

"What does your face have to do with anything? I'm talking about that... thing!" Reaching across the table, Iria grabbed Kakashi's face and turned it to look over his shoulder.

"What the hell?" Kakashi twisted around to get a better look at... something, whatever it was... metallic. "Where the hell did that come from? And how didn't I notice it?"

"That's not important. What is it is what should be asked." Iria looked around before calling for the waitress.

Day Seven

"So it turned out that the original owners had hired some waitresses that hadn't passed the final genin exams, and when one of the cooks had been getting something, the waitress had caused an actual fire in a large empty pot. Somehow the grill and some other things had gotten fused with it when they had messed up a jutsu trying to put out the fire. So now the waitresses are not allowed to cover for the cook; only the hostess, if necessary."

"That's... strange," Gai commented.

"Indeed." Kakashi was silent for a moment before picking up the thread of his story again. "So anyway, she ordered for us, didn't even let me order my own food; and while we were sitting there waiting trying to think of something non-threatening to say, she noticed that there was this guy getting a blowjob at another table."

Gai looked at Kakashi, confused. "How do you know this?"

"She told me. Loudly. Well, not really loudly, more like she didn't even bother to lower her voice. So I'm sitting there listening to her give a running commentary in the same volume to an enthralled audience. I wouldn't have known she wasn't kidding until the couple was leaving. When they stood up to go they got applause from the other patrons. As it turned out though, Iria knew the woman that had given the man the blowjob. She stopped by our table to talk to Iria briefly."

Gai gave Kakashi a perturbed look. "She seems to know a lot of people."

"You have no idea. You know that story about that jounin that had been sent to get someone for the Hokage a few years back and had been hit upside the head with a freshly used dildo? Turns out that was Iria, and the woman at the restaurant had been the one she had been with."

"You're sure?"

"The woman said that's why they broke up, Iria just confirmed it. I've learned its better not to ask Iria to explain how she knows people. Like she told me, smile and move on; it's safer for what's left of my sanity."

"Smile and move on?"

"Yeah, so moving on; the woman's boyfriend quickly dragged her off, leaving us in peace for a little bit. Then Iria said the weirdest thing that caused our waitress to trip, end up somersaulting through the waitress station across the other aisle, behind the bar, and into the kitchen. All without dropping the dishes she had been carrying." Kakashi paused and smirked at the memory.

Gai looked over at Kakashi expectantly, "What did she say to cause that?"

"That the Hokage had groped her again yesterday."

"Eh? You sure she didn't mean Jiraiya-san?" Gai asked, frowning in confusion.

"No, she said the Hokage. After she explained it to me it actually made sense. That is what really worries me; if you ask her to explain something it actually makes sense in its own way."

"Well, what did she mean by that, then?"

"Well, according to her, the ANBU are the hand of the Hokage, and when she got groped by another ANBU thinking she was Iruka there were... lamp posts."

"Lamp posts?"

"And sticky tape."

"Ah... do I want to know?"

"That's what I asked, and it turns out it wasn't what I thought. You know, she has major anger issues. As demonstrated by what she did to the second ANBU; but I'll spare you the trauma for now."

The two jounin settled more comfortably as they allowed their eavesdropping students to continue with their training. All in all, it was a wonderful exercise in split attention fighting if nothing else.

Day Nine

Iruka leaned back on his futon and sighed as he swung his feet up to rest on the wall. "This is just messed up. I mean, I don't even like him."

Kurenai hummed from where she was poking through the fridge. "Then why are you having a problem?"

"Because I'm starting to like that white haired freak," Iruka crossed his arms and legs to accent his point. "I mean, he's an ass, so why do I keep spending time with him?"

"You were warned that this would affect your emotions you know," Kotetsu put in from where he was sitting on the counter on the opposite wall from the bed. "Why do you rent such a small place anyway, Iruka?"

"Because I'm almost never here as Iria, and it has great soundproofing." Iruka shrugged. "And don't call me that right now. Never know who might be listening."

"Whatever. It'll be nice for Mom to finally stop harping on me to get you pregnant," Kotetsu said with a shudder.

"Yeah, well, it's your fault I came up with 'Umino Iria' anyway. You could have just told your mom you were gay."

"Hey, it came in handy," Kotetsu defended.

"That's not the point. The point is that your mom is annoying with her obsession with getting a grandchild from me." Iruka shuddered. "I told her last time she asked that I was physically incapable of bearing a child."

"Which is true," Kurenai pointed out.

"She said there are ways around that," Iruka added on sourly.

Kotetsu shuddered. "My mom is a scary woman."

"Correction; your mom is a very scary former ANBU medic-nin who really likes me in drag for some reason," Iruka grumbled.

"It's your own fault, Iruka," Kurenai pointed out as she pulled out of the fridge with a can of tea. "I mean, you did come up with the whole Iria thing so you and Kotetsu could date publicly." She hopped up onto the counter next to Kotetsu and looked down at Iruka. "Your sensei and Sandaime-sama just decided to make use of the disguise."

"Look at it this way, Iruka, when you go public about the whole Iria-is-Iruka thing at the end of the month you can finally take on a genin team. I mean, the mandate applies only to Umino Iria, not Umino Iruka."

Iruka brightened at that. "True. It'll be nice to teach on a more personal basis anyway."

"You know the ANBU are probably going to cry foul over Iruka technically being a Jounin," Kurenai pointed out, bemused.

"I'm not even sure how I earned the rank. And they can take it up with the Hokage; they won't have a leg to stand on anyway. My rank had nothing to do with the bet, just my ability to hide." Iruka crossed his arms over his chest. "This still doesn't help me with my problem, though. I don't want to like Kakashi."

"I think he'll be good for you." Kurenai said before taking a drink from her can.

Iruka gave her an appalled glare. "The only thing restraining me from attacking you is three generations of friendship."

"I'm serious. He seems to enjoy his sojourns into 'Iria's World' and you got along as Iruka."

"He pisses me off."

"Sounds more like you want him to piss you off," Kotetsu piped in.

"Shut it." Iruka suddenly flipped to his feet and gave them a cheerful grin. "So are we going to lunch? Or going to stay here and perform the acrobatics that is home cooking?"

Kotetsu laughed before jumping down from the counter. "I think we'll eat out. I don't want to make Izumo jealous of our culinary endeavors."

Kurenai grinned as she tossed her empty can into the trash and followed the other two out of the closet fondly referred to as an apartment. "So, Iria, are you taking over Iruka's prank?"

"Aa, considering everything is already prepared, they agreed I could do it when I sub next week."

Day Ten

"The main problem I see here," Kakashi drawled sourly, "is that I smell alcohol on none of you." Kakashi sighed and rubbed his temple. 'I hadn't known it was possible to get a drunk and disorderly without the use of alcohol. I'm... impressed and more than a little perturbed.'

Iria tittered from her place amongst the heavily bound trio. "We're special that way."

"Yeah, special." Kotetsu giggled as Kurenai's jittering moved her two more inches to the left. "Why are you vibrating?"

"We're not. You are," Asuma ground out, taking a long drag off his new cigarette. "I really have no idea how you three do this stuff."

"Was it sugar?" Kakashi leaned forward as he eyed them clinically. "I think I've seen Naruto like this once... only not as bad."

"Come a little closer and I'll bite you." Iria bared her teeth in a leer.

"Promise?" Kakashi asked with a grin.

The three prisoners actually stopped moving to stare at him, making Kakashi feel vindicated - right up until the other two turned to look at Iria.

"We were right!" Kotetsu howled gleefully. "It's perfect! I'm a genius!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Iria snarled before chomping onto Kotetsu's neck - not the shoulder, the neck.

Kotetsu yelped in surprise and pain. "I thought we broke up! Bitch! I'll dye it!"

Iria snarled loudly and dug in for the long haul.

Izumo sighed, "He still has scars from dating her. I still want to know why he has scars in her molar pattern on his ankle."

Kurenai grinned as she spun onto her back and kicked the other two with her bound legs repeatedly.

"Why isn't Kurenai speaking?" Kakashi asked, starting to get disturbed by her silence in light of the other two's noise.

"That might have something to do with the feathers sticking out of her mouth," Izumo pointed out calmly.

"I was trying to ignore that. Why are you so calm?" Kakashi asked, eyeing the other two men.

"This happens at least once every time Iria visits." Asuma carefully put out his cigarette on the armor of the ANBU standing right behind him. "You get used to it. Speaking of calm, why are you?"

Kakashi just shrugged.

"Maybe they're right," Izumo muttered, eyeing Kakashi sidelong.

"I think that Naruto has me well inoculated against loud crazies."

"Well, he is like a younger, calmer version of Iria," Izumo nodded thoughtfully. "What?" he asked, noticing the weird looks he was getting. "Oh, less angry, though the Uchiha might make up for that. It's like two halves of Iria with all her worst traits... And that Haruno girl getting everything left over." Izumo paused with a look of dawning horror. "Oh my god! Your team is Iria split into pieces! I'm so sorry."

Asuma choked on his cigarette. "He's right. I had a mission with her once when she was sixteen. And no more shall ever be said about it due to a council mandate." The last part was said with relish.

"How many council mandates does she have?" Kakashi asked, surprised.

"I don't know, but I know she's got a couple techniques she came up with on the forbidden scrolls, and according to rumor she's working on getting another one," Izumo scratched his neck thoughtfully, accidentally baring a hickey.

"Not to mention that she's banned from three different countries," Asuma added on. "And must you and Kotetsu advertise?"

"What?" Izumo looked confused before realization dawned. "That wasn't Kotetsu. It was the leech over there."

"Blood!" Iria yelled from where she was now tangled up with Kurenai. "I don't see you that way Kure-chan."

Kurenai spat feathers at Iria in reply.

"I liked the hot springs. Why do girls have all the best hot springs?" Kotetsu asked. "And my being gay should make me allowed in there. It's not like I'm going to molest the headmistress like Iria did."

Iria started snickering again. "High class whores, I told you. I mean, headmistress. I wish I had one of those. Do you think she gives good head?"

"I don't want to know," Kotetsu protested.

"The old prune's probably had a lot of practice," Kurenai put in, speaking for the first time.

"Like I said." Iria grinned up at the gathered audience. "My boobies."

"I didn't touch your boobies," Kotetsu protested, "And you can tell my mother that."

"My hands are kinda attached to your boobies." Kurenai flexed her hands. "Did you get a new bra?"

"Yes, no, wrong boobies. Where are my other two boobies?"

"The police didn't call them so they're probably still working," Kakashi explained.

"The police called my boobies? Good police. Can you not squeeze that tight Kure-chan? I think you might break something."

"Break something?" Kurenai asked, confused.

"Woo, I didn't know you felt that way!" Kotetsu called from where he was now hanging from the ceiling. "Don't break her heart."

"She won't break my heart, though she might break the vial."

"What vial?"

"The antidote."

"You have an antidote?"

"Yup, for the Uchiha angst; you know it's highly contagious." Iria nodded solemnly, though it was somewhat ruined by her twitching.

Kurenai giggled as she shifted slightly, "Flour."

The other two broke out into loud cackles interspersed with repeats of the word.

Kakashi looked over at Asuma, confused. "Flour?" Iria had mentioned it before in response to his asking if she was afraid of anything, but she couldn't tell him more for fear of execution from three of the ninja villages. He still wasn't sure which three, but maybe Asuma would know and tell him, seeing as how he seemed to be old friends with the cheerfully crazed one.

Asuma shrugged. "I have no idea; but considering how amusing they find it, it's a bad thing."

Izumo sighed, "Let's separate them and take them home. That should take care of some of the problems."

"Where does Iria live?" Kakashi asked as he squatted down to undo the ropes tying her to the other woman.

Iria giggled and nuzzled against Kakashi's knee. "A closet."

"...Asuma?"

Asuma nodded and scribbled down the address on a piece of paper then handed it to Kakashi. "She is right. It's a closet."

Kakashi looked down at the address and arched an eyebrow. "Indeed." Pocketing the paper he went back to freeing a still cackling Iria. "I'll ask for the story when you're calmer."

Day Thirteen

"So," Kakashi asked curiously. "Why are we having popsicles here? Not much of a view." 'Here' was sitting on top of a power pole above a busy street with buildings blocking any view they would have had.

"There's a reason." Iria hummed as she ate more of her popsicle.

Kakashi was silent for a moment, thoughtfully eying the roving crowds below them. "So what's the reason?"

"Finish your treat first." Iria continued humming distractedly as she looked around.

Kakashi sighed and went back to his own popsicle, still slightly disturbed by the fruit chunks in it. All in all, this date was rather disappointing so far. He'd expected more from an actual date than popsicles on top of a power pole. Not even anything to really look at.

"Done," Iria broke into his thoughts. Looking over at her he saw her throw her Popsicle stick at a mosquito that had flown up to bother them. "Now to the fun part of the date."

"Fun part?" Kakashi asked, slurping down the last of his own pineapple popsicle.

"Yup." Iria reached down with her foot and pulled up a bag. "You ever use these?" She pulled out a... thing... with a thing.

"A paintball gun?" Kakashi felt that things were about to get interesting. Hopefully they wouldn't get arrested.

"Here's yours and the list of points. We start when you're done reading." Iria handed over Kakashi's gun and a sheaf of papers. "Extra ammo bags and CO2 cartridges are distributed throughout this district. And now for my disguise." Iria poofed and in her place sat a pale, angry, temperamental blonde nine-year-old boy with this generally untrustworthy air about him.

He looked exactly like what Kakashi's nightmares told him that Team 7's unholy love child would look like. Right down to the fox tail. "You do realize that makes you very conspicuous, don't you?"

"That's the point. I'm so conspicuous I'm inconspicuous. It's worked before." Iria grinned at him before blowing a raspberry. "Start reading."

Kakashi sighed and went over the papers. Reaching the end, he just had to ask, "What if you knock off a mask without breaking it or harming the ANBU?"

Iria's eyes widened. "Triple points!" she said, with undue relish.

"Right then." Kakashi henged himself into a creepy little red haired girl wearing a shirt so big it might as well be a dress and a creepily wide smile. "Until one of us gets caught?"

"Physically."

"Apprehended then."

"You're such a stiff."

"I'd be burned and buried if I was."

"You just made it worse."

"I know."

"I knew there was a reason I didn't date your type."

"I have a type?" Kakashi asked, slightly disappointed.

"Yeah, me."

Kakashi snickered and the two disguised upper level ninja proceeded to thoroughly abuse their position and abilities as well as the district.

Day Fourteen

"I think I'm in love," Kakashi finished off.

"With Tsunade?" Gai asked, confused.

"No, Iria. It was when I didn't mind the spanking that I realized I must be in love with Iria. She squalled like a wet cat during her turn." Kakashi sighed in remembrance. "And Tsunade was so covered in paint, it's no wonder she was so mad at us. Although I'm not sure she knows it was us."

"Reason you're not sitting today?"

"Yeah. So should I ask her out on another date?"

"...I don't know. This might get dangerous for the village. You did mention that she has several council mandates against her."

"Yet she's still not missing-nin. It only makes my respect for her grow. It's also nice to know that there is actually something she fears. All I know about what caused the fear is 'flour' and a list of names of people that would go after her if it is ever mentioned, other than 'flour'." Kakashi paused thoughtfully. "Though I'm really wondering how she got three separate Kages with one incident. But I don't feel like dying yet."

"So there's actually some form of reprisal she fears?"

"Apparently. It's oddly comforting in a completely disturbing way." Kakashi scratched his jaw thoughtfully. "I don't think I've ever been so... amused," he frowned, "yet highly disturbed. It's just like I'd never dared to hope it would be."

"What?"

"Dating. I think I might marry her, if I can get her past that whole 'she doesn't want to like me' thing."

"She doesn't like you?"

"No, she doesn't want to like me. I think she might anyway."

"Well, I know I've never seen you so happy."

"I'm happy?" Kakashi paused and thought it over and was surprised to discover, "I am happy."

"I'll get you a beautiful wedding present."

"I never said whether or not I would succeed in that endeavor. She's kinda off, you know. She might do something that finally pushes the council over the edge about her actions and they declare her... expendable."

"Or she might decide to do something strange and retire."

"Or that, but it'll be interesting to see what she does either way."

The two men stood in silence for several minutes watching their teams pretend to train while eavesdropping.

"She kidnapped Pakkun." He pouted slightly at the memory.

"What?"

"She said she needed someone with good taste to shop with."

Gai was silent for a moment before replying, "Smart woman."

"Hey!"

Day Seventeen

Iria smirked as she exited the Academy behind the students. Running her eyes over the crowd she felt her smirk widen. 'This is going to be good.'

Waiting for the opportune moment, she hummed softly as she kicked a ball back to some rampaging proto-nin, knocking one over when it hit him in the chest, and causing him to roll backwards several feet. The kid, displaying he had a bright future ahead of him, got up giggling like the mad little creature he was.

Spying what she was looking for, Iria did a quick series of seals before pulling out a tube and hitting Konohamaru square between the shoulder blades with a spitball.

Upon impact, the spitball suddenly expanded to the size of Chouji when he was performing his meat tank attack. Then the real fun began. The giant sticky white ball began to roll around with a now screaming Konohamaru stuck to it, picking up more screaming passengers as it went. When it rolled into a corner it paused, still spinning, and it was almost like the horror was over.

Then the ball launched into the air and into the general village, screaming passengers included.

Iria stood in the doorway of the school smirking at the chaos that she had started.

"You are one demented bitch," an amused voice commented from next to her.

Iria looked over at the teacher and her smirk grew into a demented grin. "But you like me anyway."

The man grinned back. "You coming to the roof to watch your handiwork?"

"Of course, I love seeing the fallout from what I've let loose," Iria commented before jumping up to the roof of the Academy to join the others that had already gathered to watch.

Gai was walking down the street enjoying the beauty of the day. The sun was shining brightly, the birds were singing, the monster mosquitoes were buzzing, the Academy students were screaming in horror, the...

Gai stopped and traced the sound. He furrowed his brows as he heard the screaming grow louder and a crowd burst into sight down the street, in a panicked riot much like a festival three years previous when someone summoned and let loose an entire herd of pissed off bulls upon the unsuspecting crowds.

Gai swiftly discovered what the cause was: a ball, apparently made up of screaming people, turned the corner and headed right for him.

In a moment of shock Gai instinctively kicked the ball that was about to roll him over, only to have it roll over him anyway, adding him to its ever growing writhing bulk.

Day Twenty

Team 7 was startled from their training by a sudden blare of loud, angry music and a downpour of a lot of confetti as Iria appeared in a not-so-typical poof. "Yes! I am that sexy!"

Kakashi straightened from his slouch and eyed his kinda-girlfriend worriedly. "What did you do?"

"Nothing that can be proven. By the way, if anyone asks, I was with you yesterday, around five, gambling in the morgue," Iria added on, with a worrisome grin.

"We were doing that," Kakashi pointed out.

"Exactly. I was helping you understand the underneath of the hospital. So I had absolutely nothing to do with whatever the cops try to pin on me. Or Anko for that matter. Though, Kurenai might. She's cunning like that."

"Uh-huh..." Kakashi nodded slowly and eyed his team, which was torn between backing slowly away from the crazy chick, and edging closer to eavesdrop on Kakashi and his girlfriend. "So other than implausible deniability, why'd you come see me?"

"Oh right, that. I might have lost your dog," Iria threw out, as if it wasn't anything to worry about.

"Pakkun?" Kakashi almost shivered at the sudden overwhelming feeling of dread he felt.

"Yeah. It's a long story, but it all boils down to you, me, Team 7, and a tub of chocolate pudding as part of a rescue operation. Thus why I'm here, and why I haven't kidnapped you already."

"Why don't you tell me part of that long story?"

"We don't have the time for me to explain why I was gambling in a brothel."

Kakashi frowned as his worry grew.

"Brothel?" Naruto asked, confused.

"That's where we're heading. Don't tell your parents. They'll be mad I took you there first."

Sasuke frowned in confusion. Iria had subbed for his academy class a few times; she knew he and Naruto were orphans, but Sakura... Sasuke turned his head slowly and eyed his pink haired teammate.

Iria walked down the street next to Kakashi, who was cuddling a pouting Pakkun.

"That really wasn't necessary," Pakkun reassured a fussing former ANBU captain.

"You would have become a pampered lap dog if you stayed there," Kakashi grumbled sourly.

"Maybe I wanted to be."

"You would have gotten fat," Iria pointed out cheerfully as she started digging through the bag the Madam had given her on the way out. "Looks like they gave you some nice going away gifts."

Pakkun sighed. "Maybe I'll go back there for visits."

"Just don't stay there," Kakashi ordered.

"Fine, fine, just don't squeeze so tight."

Iria hummed thoughtfully, "Ya know, I got this feeling we forgot something."

"It'll come to you," Kakashi reassured.

"Yeah, I guess. So, wanna go prank the ANBU headquarters?" Iria asked cheerfully.

Rest of it