SALMONELLA
Title: Salmonella
Written By: _mixed_media_
Timeline: post-Season 3, non-specific
Rating: PG
Summary: Brian gets sick.
Author Notes: It’s crackfic, basically.
When Brian wakes up feeling queasy one Tuesday, he doesn’t think much of it.
“Hangover,” he mutters to himself, despite the nagging at the back of his head that he didn’t get trashed last night, because they had gone to the Novotny-Bruckner household for what was becoming a disturbing monthly ritual of dinner.
He groans as he sits up, causing Justin to stir. There are four - no, five - staircases leading out into the loft.
“What’s wrong?” Justin mumbles and lifts his head off the pillow to look at Brian. Brian just blinks, hoping that one of the lofts he’s currently looking at is his own.
“Fuck. I-I’m not sick, I don’t do sick-”
Justin rolls his eyes. “I’ll call Cynthia. Don’t get up.”
He brings Brian toast and orange juice, and Brian eyes his ass as he moves around the living room, collecting some papers and a board for Michael. Brian falls back into a doze, and only wakes up to Justin kissing his forehead goodbye as he heads out for a shift.
When Brian wakes up again, he’s not sure that he’s ever felt worse in his life. It seems to be nighttime all of a sudden, and Justin is curled up on the couch, rereading the fourth Harry Potter book. Brian attempts to make a noise, but has to do it again when Justin doesn’t respond right away. He finally looks up after Brian emits his third strangled gasp in fifteen seconds.
“You’re awake. Jesus, Brian. You slept all day.”
“Ungh, yeah,” Brian starts, but he can’t be bothered to finish, so he lies back down. Justin comes over and shakes him, now genuinely concerned.
“What hurts?” All Brian can do is glare at him with glassy eyes, sending him hate-rays that read What do you think, Sunshine? All he knows is that his head hurts like never before and the knots in his stomach are making him realize that maybe Melanie has a reason for acting like she does during that time of the month.
The next thing Brian knows, Justin is feeling his forehead and shoving something into his mouth.
“I think you need to see a doctor. Do you even have one?” He’s not really sure when Debbie dyed her hair blond and became a twenty-year-old boy.
Brian hates hospitals, but he goes to humor Justin.
*
“Hey, Brian!”
“Jesus Christ. This is just unfair.” Brian rubs the sleep out of his eyes, and shoots a glare at the orderly by the door, then at Justin, then at Michael, and finally at the person lying the bed next to him. “Why the fuck is he here?”
“Well, it seems that Ben’s tofu wasn’t exactly fresh - we’re thinking of suing the organic market, because he only bought it two days ago, but it also could have been the eggs, we’re really not sure-“
“The point, Mikey.”
“Well, Hunter got whatever salmonella strain was in there, too. And he wasn’t doing too well at home, so when Justin called and gave us the news, we brought him in, too.”
”HIV and all, you know,” Hunter interjects, smiling gleefully at Justin. Justin tries to give him a weak smile in return and wonders if Michael even knows what a salmonella strain is.
“Tell me his bed is just here because he’s waiting to go somewhere,” Brian mutters, glancing at the ceiling and firmly expecting that the littlest hustler will be on Neptune by the time he looks back.
It comes as quite a shock when he’s still there. Brian sincerely hopes that he’s dead, because he’s just not really looking forward to the afterlife if there is a hell worse than being forced to live in a room with Hunter Montgomery.
“Well, Brian, you see…”
It’s at this point that his apparently drug-addled mind realizes that Justin and Michael are standing with the orderly - across the room and quite, quite separated from Brian. And Hunter.
“…this particular case of salmonella is really rare, and it’s really bad, so they wanted to keep you quarantined for the next 24 hours.” Michael even looks contrite for a second, before returning his gaze to poor Hunter, who doesn’t look like he feels half as bad as Brian does.
Brian Kinney has rarely before felt this powerless. Not to mention betrayed, especially when he catches the look on Justin’s face and sees him trying to hide a giggle.
*
“Okay, we’ll be back tomorrow morning,” Justin says, giving a little wave and getting up from the chair he’s been sitting in.
“Justin!” Brian hisses, sitting up as far as his stomach will allow. Justin turns around at the door and looks slightly concerned.
“What?” He comes over to stand near the foot of Brian’s bed.
“You can’t leave me alone with him!”
“What do you want me to do, Brian? I can’t take you home until tomorrow, and I want to go to sleep.”
“He’s going to molest me in my sleep!” Brian shoots Hunter a dirty look and shudders.
“Brian. You’re over thirty years old-”
“Shut up, I am not.”
“The point is, you should be able to spend a night in the hospital, regardless of who is sharing your room, without complaining.”
“He is not normal!”
“Fine. Since you’re obviously twelve instead of thirty-nine,” Brian makes a sound of protest, but is cut off again, “I dare you to spend the night in this hospital, just so that you can get better, not so Hunter can molest you. Because he won’t, right, Hunter?”
“Mmm…what?” Hunter looks up from his Teen People that he was obviously not reading. “Oh, no. I’m going to sleep soon. I feel just terrible.” He nods several times and then yawns hugely.
All Brian can think as Justin walks out the door is that he may not be alive come morning. Whether that is because of this terrible disease or his roommate is anyone’s guess.
*
Brian wakes at one in the morning to a prickly feeling on the back of his neck. He looks over to Hunter’s bed, but doesn’t see anything besides a drooling blond teenager lying there, seemingly asleep.
He rolls his head over and stares at the ceiling, willing his eyes to close.
He wakes a little while later to find that Hunter is sitting in a chair next to Brian’s bed, staring at him. When Brian looks at him, he quickly stumbles up and begins to sleepwalk around the room, dragging his IV stand behind him.
Brian whimpers slightly. There is no way he’s going to fall asleep again tonight.
*
The next day, Justin returns with a sympathetic look. However, he also comes with flowers, so Brian knows he’s just making fun of him.
Michael comes in a few minutes after Justin with a puzzled expression on his face.
“Hunter, I just spoke with the doctor, and he said that there was some sort of mix-up with your bloodwork or paperwork or something. You don’t even have salmonella. Only Brian does.”
“Oh. Really?” Hunter looks slightly disappointed. “Am I just going to go home now?”
Brian sincerely hopes that he is not dreaming, and does a silent and motionless jig in his bed.
“Well, no. Since you’ve been in the quarantine section, you have to stay overnight again, just to make sure you’re not going to get sick later.”
Brian rings the button to call the nurse, and orders 24 hours’ worth of sleeping medicine. He stares at the woman so long that she follows the order without question.
*
The next morning, Justin signs the necessary paperwork to discharge Brian after he has been declared contagion-free.
Brian refuses the mandatory wheelchair and walks to the car under his own powers.
As they get in, he casually, but firmly, mentions to Justin, “Just to let you know, you are never to dare me to do anything again.”
Justin giggles as he starts the car and drives off.
Written By: _mixed_media_
Timeline: post-Season 3, non-specific
Rating: PG
Summary: Brian gets sick.
Author Notes: It’s crackfic, basically.
When Brian wakes up feeling queasy one Tuesday, he doesn’t think much of it.
“Hangover,” he mutters to himself, despite the nagging at the back of his head that he didn’t get trashed last night, because they had gone to the Novotny-Bruckner household for what was becoming a disturbing monthly ritual of dinner.
He groans as he sits up, causing Justin to stir. There are four - no, five - staircases leading out into the loft.
“What’s wrong?” Justin mumbles and lifts his head off the pillow to look at Brian. Brian just blinks, hoping that one of the lofts he’s currently looking at is his own.
“Fuck. I-I’m not sick, I don’t do sick-”
Justin rolls his eyes. “I’ll call Cynthia. Don’t get up.”
He brings Brian toast and orange juice, and Brian eyes his ass as he moves around the living room, collecting some papers and a board for Michael. Brian falls back into a doze, and only wakes up to Justin kissing his forehead goodbye as he heads out for a shift.
When Brian wakes up again, he’s not sure that he’s ever felt worse in his life. It seems to be nighttime all of a sudden, and Justin is curled up on the couch, rereading the fourth Harry Potter book. Brian attempts to make a noise, but has to do it again when Justin doesn’t respond right away. He finally looks up after Brian emits his third strangled gasp in fifteen seconds.
“You’re awake. Jesus, Brian. You slept all day.”
“Ungh, yeah,” Brian starts, but he can’t be bothered to finish, so he lies back down. Justin comes over and shakes him, now genuinely concerned.
“What hurts?” All Brian can do is glare at him with glassy eyes, sending him hate-rays that read What do you think, Sunshine? All he knows is that his head hurts like never before and the knots in his stomach are making him realize that maybe Melanie has a reason for acting like she does during that time of the month.
The next thing Brian knows, Justin is feeling his forehead and shoving something into his mouth.
“I think you need to see a doctor. Do you even have one?” He’s not really sure when Debbie dyed her hair blond and became a twenty-year-old boy.
Brian hates hospitals, but he goes to humor Justin.
*
“Hey, Brian!”
“Jesus Christ. This is just unfair.” Brian rubs the sleep out of his eyes, and shoots a glare at the orderly by the door, then at Justin, then at Michael, and finally at the person lying the bed next to him. “Why the fuck is he here?”
“Well, it seems that Ben’s tofu wasn’t exactly fresh - we’re thinking of suing the organic market, because he only bought it two days ago, but it also could have been the eggs, we’re really not sure-“
“The point, Mikey.”
“Well, Hunter got whatever salmonella strain was in there, too. And he wasn’t doing too well at home, so when Justin called and gave us the news, we brought him in, too.”
”HIV and all, you know,” Hunter interjects, smiling gleefully at Justin. Justin tries to give him a weak smile in return and wonders if Michael even knows what a salmonella strain is.
“Tell me his bed is just here because he’s waiting to go somewhere,” Brian mutters, glancing at the ceiling and firmly expecting that the littlest hustler will be on Neptune by the time he looks back.
It comes as quite a shock when he’s still there. Brian sincerely hopes that he’s dead, because he’s just not really looking forward to the afterlife if there is a hell worse than being forced to live in a room with Hunter Montgomery.
“Well, Brian, you see…”
It’s at this point that his apparently drug-addled mind realizes that Justin and Michael are standing with the orderly - across the room and quite, quite separated from Brian. And Hunter.
“…this particular case of salmonella is really rare, and it’s really bad, so they wanted to keep you quarantined for the next 24 hours.” Michael even looks contrite for a second, before returning his gaze to poor Hunter, who doesn’t look like he feels half as bad as Brian does.
Brian Kinney has rarely before felt this powerless. Not to mention betrayed, especially when he catches the look on Justin’s face and sees him trying to hide a giggle.
*
“Okay, we’ll be back tomorrow morning,” Justin says, giving a little wave and getting up from the chair he’s been sitting in.
“Justin!” Brian hisses, sitting up as far as his stomach will allow. Justin turns around at the door and looks slightly concerned.
“What?” He comes over to stand near the foot of Brian’s bed.
“You can’t leave me alone with him!”
“What do you want me to do, Brian? I can’t take you home until tomorrow, and I want to go to sleep.”
“He’s going to molest me in my sleep!” Brian shoots Hunter a dirty look and shudders.
“Brian. You’re over thirty years old-”
“Shut up, I am not.”
“The point is, you should be able to spend a night in the hospital, regardless of who is sharing your room, without complaining.”
“He is not normal!”
“Fine. Since you’re obviously twelve instead of thirty-nine,” Brian makes a sound of protest, but is cut off again, “I dare you to spend the night in this hospital, just so that you can get better, not so Hunter can molest you. Because he won’t, right, Hunter?”
“Mmm…what?” Hunter looks up from his Teen People that he was obviously not reading. “Oh, no. I’m going to sleep soon. I feel just terrible.” He nods several times and then yawns hugely.
All Brian can think as Justin walks out the door is that he may not be alive come morning. Whether that is because of this terrible disease or his roommate is anyone’s guess.
*
Brian wakes at one in the morning to a prickly feeling on the back of his neck. He looks over to Hunter’s bed, but doesn’t see anything besides a drooling blond teenager lying there, seemingly asleep.
He rolls his head over and stares at the ceiling, willing his eyes to close.
He wakes a little while later to find that Hunter is sitting in a chair next to Brian’s bed, staring at him. When Brian looks at him, he quickly stumbles up and begins to sleepwalk around the room, dragging his IV stand behind him.
Brian whimpers slightly. There is no way he’s going to fall asleep again tonight.
*
The next day, Justin returns with a sympathetic look. However, he also comes with flowers, so Brian knows he’s just making fun of him.
Michael comes in a few minutes after Justin with a puzzled expression on his face.
“Hunter, I just spoke with the doctor, and he said that there was some sort of mix-up with your bloodwork or paperwork or something. You don’t even have salmonella. Only Brian does.”
“Oh. Really?” Hunter looks slightly disappointed. “Am I just going to go home now?”
Brian sincerely hopes that he is not dreaming, and does a silent and motionless jig in his bed.
“Well, no. Since you’ve been in the quarantine section, you have to stay overnight again, just to make sure you’re not going to get sick later.”
Brian rings the button to call the nurse, and orders 24 hours’ worth of sleeping medicine. He stares at the woman so long that she follows the order without question.
*
The next morning, Justin signs the necessary paperwork to discharge Brian after he has been declared contagion-free.
Brian refuses the mandatory wheelchair and walks to the car under his own powers.
As they get in, he casually, but firmly, mentions to Justin, “Just to let you know, you are never to dare me to do anything again.”
Justin giggles as he starts the car and drives off.