Everything's rubbish

[daresbalat]

That's why I've not written anything in ages. I'm really really poorly, I barely get out the house due to tiredness, I feel like there's no-one there for me, noone ever rings me or anything. I've got constant aches and I sleep for 12 hours a day, all I do is play Regnum for hours on end. I'm still waiting to hear about my PhD and now won't hear until the middle of August, far too late to get somewhere nice to live. I wrote a polemic about my frustrations with Leeds and that's made me even more upset. A total of 3 people from Leeds have initiated any kind of contact with me since I left. I don't like inviting myself to things because I feel like I'm constantly imposing, and I don't have the strength to do anything that's more than a 20 minute walk away anyway. I really hate the vacuousness and club-oriented culture in Nottingham and how noone really seems to give a shit about people. Despite this I have so much love in my heart but right now I feel back how I did when I was 18 and just relied on myself for everything. Except now I feel actively spurned rather than just misunderstood. I lietrally can't go a day without a drink although I know it's what makes me feel worse. My brain is complete mush and I can't even concentrate on reading a book for more than about half an hour. I've done about 10 hours productive work in the last month. I'm sick of setting myself pitifully small targets and then not even managing them. Most of all I hate talking about it and hate being a drain on people.

For the first time in my life I'm seriously considering anti depressants. Has anyone had much luck with st. john's wort?

Well that's about 2 months rant condensed into one post. Sorry.

Thanks to BTD and radiotoothurty for inviting me to things even if it didn't work out though. It's appreciated.